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Deconstructing Self-Harm

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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---Its a 'go mad or die' sort of option, ie take on someone elses disowned crazy destructive issues, or no relationship at all, which in the N paradigm is = to non existence. 
--- End quote ---

River posted the above the other day, and it so completely summed up the "original wound" that is the source of my own self-harm habits, I was stunned. I also happened to be processing the experience of coming 100% face to face with it, in myself, when I read it... so it was timely, too. My genius D pushed me right into the experience... and pulled me right back out again. She is stronger than I am... and strikes terror in grown men. A natural-born Amazon!  ;)  I'm very proud of her.

Anyway, there are a lot of "moving parts" in River's statement that bear close inspection and reflection. She concisely describes the kind of stuff I've now spent YEARS on. And as usual, I gotta lot to say, in explanation of what I see open before me now.

go mad or die - yep; that is exactly the choice I was presented with at 12, when wholly unprepared to responsibly make such a choice. I didn't understand AT THE TIME, that were other options - how could I, when I'd always been told exactly what I could/couldn't do, what was "right", what I felt, what I should even think? And if some other option crossed my path... it was automatically "bad" or "off limits" or "not what 'we' do... there was no possibility of rebellion or revolution or third choice - no "door number 3". No "self" boundaries allowed, you know... that would've been contrary to my "purpose" in life, the meaning of my existence which was:

take on someone elses disowned crazy destructive issues, or no relationship at all - it was my "job" and responsibility to solve those issues (not my own) for my mom... and for a time, my brother as well. That was the meaning and significance of my existence... and anything outside of that, for me, myself & I... was often secondary, considered shamefully selfish - a betrayal even. I learned quickly to hide any/all needs I might have and to appear to be as self-sufficient emotionally as possible. That's not really humanly possible unless one is seriously mentally ill - and I cracked often, BECAUSE I had such overwhelming needs... and I vented those taboo emotions... self-soothed... etc with things that would harm me simply because it wouldn't provoke that abandonment response or jealousy.

My mom is only able to feel a very small range of negative emotions without going completely nutz. I mean violently, insanely, irrational - she can instantly do a Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde transformation when in any environment where people are being emotionally expressive... and disagreeing with her view of reality. I allowed myself to be her "sock puppet" to protect my brother & I from these physically harmful rages and swallowed my own anger... and can not describe the primal anguish which I know is worse than death... to have one's own self so consumed, invalidated, DANGEROUS. It was dangerous to be me... to care for myself - because that brought ridicule and shame and flat out condemnation. I didn't know then, that this is an expression of jealousy and resentment.

This is how I came to make my biggest mistake in life - of believing that being "me" was bad and therefore seeking out ways to harm myself, or associate myself with "bad" things... so that my mom could feel better about herself and not jealous of me... and not be violent and abusive. I learned and completely believed that I too shameful to be my real self with people... and since I was either being the sock-puppet of her insanity... or experiencing that self-awareness of shame and anguish of being "not allowed", such as I am... I proposed to myself a long-term project of physical neglect, addiction, dissolution... hoping against hope that the final release from this agonizing purgatory would be over sooner rather than later. I fully expected to die before 30.

which in the N paradigm is = to non existence - This is the final, ultimate abandonment you know. In the N's mind, they can erase you from the earth... "I brought you into this life, I can take you out" is a statement of the belief in a righteous permission to do so, without criminality. Dealing with all of this - at the same time I was dealing with a very real attempt on my life via the rapist and my struggle to survive - then isolated from the people outside the FOO that I relied on for other perspectives and feedback on my own sanity -  is it any wonder that I took refuge in self-neglect, self-harm, self-deprecation, self-sabotage in order to survive?

Is it any wonder, that the old self-harm is still around even at this point of returning back up Alice's Wonderland tunnel with my "self" rebuilt? It's there "just in case", I think. A security blanket. It worked before, to protect me, right?? That kind of kid-logic needs to be over-written with new programming now. Line by line, until I disable the functional parts. Things might go a little haywire, for a bit... but that kind of chaos is normal in the creative process. And I have way more skills and understanding than I did back then... I'm not going to let "survivor guilt" keep me expecting the "other shoe to drop"... or worry that I'll be victimized again by the unified MomBro or one or the other.

I don't have to keep subjecting myself to mom's sockpuppet delusions about me anymore. She managed just fine, not talking to me for two weeks and I felt much better about myself, too. I'm tired of her monologues... the same repetitive crap. Do I really need a reminder these days, that the only time I exist to her is when she thinks she's dumping all her crap on me??? She doesn't even recognize me these days, in person. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't imagine not recognizing one of my Ds.

sigh. So fortunately, I now see that I have access to many more options that just "go mad or die". Which one I settle on, eventually, will be a matter of experimentation; trial and error and which one isn't all that special, as long as it works. I'm glad that piece of poison has worked it's way out!

SilverLining:

--- Quote from: PhoenixRising on August 17, 2011, 09:48:45 AM ---
My mom is only able to feel a very small range of negative emotions without going completely nutz. I mean violently, insanely, irrational - she can instantly do a Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde transformation when in any environment where people are being emotionally expressive... and disagreeing with her view of reality. I allowed myself to be her "sock puppet" to protect my brother & I from these physically harmful rages and swallowed my own anger... and can not describe the primal anguish which I know is worse than death... to have one's own self so consumed, invalidated, DANGEROUS. It was dangerous to be me... to care for myself - because that brought ridicule and shame and flat out condemnation. I didn't know then, that this is an expression of jealousy and resentment.


--- End quote ---

Hi PR.  Lots of great insights in all of your comments, but this one really jumped out at me since it's the same kind of stuff I've been dealing with over the past year.   My mother doesn't get physically abusive but she definitely does the Jekyll-Hyde flip when something pushes her buttons.   The latest "transformation" lasted for nearly 9 months.   In her younger days she was somewhat more in control, but the general process was the same.    I always had to tiptoe around her and fade into the woodwork in order to avoid potentially triggering one of her episodes.  And it appears she completely dissociates from these episodes after they are over.   There is never any apology or (expressed) recognition of what happened.   

Combine these tendencies of my mother with my semi autistic father and the voiceless FOO picture comes into focus for me.  There was no chance of getting any emotional validation or nurturance from the family.   I've also started to wonder if my mothers tendencies are part of what drove my father deeper into his autistic mode of relating.   

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---And it appears she completely dissociates from these episodes after they are over.   There is never any apology or (expressed) recognition of what happened.
--- End quote ---

That's because, for your mom it didn't happen SL. Whether that's outright denial, dissociation, whatever - it does not exist and did not happen. How convenient to not be responsible or accountable, eh? But for those who witness this -- there is the problem of cognitive dissonance. Two irreconcilable realities co-existing at the same time. Hers and mine. Which one is real? Or is one "real-er" than the other? Or, even more interesting to me at the time was the question of whether it might be possible that both are real - like a space/time warp - where two universes overlap and there was this gap in the continuum where the two realities collided...

oh, I have entertained and soothed my anguish with these kinds of mental gymnastics for a long time. Because, when one is dependent on a parent... one's greatest fear is abandonment. One can not accept that the parent is so seriously insane that they can deny what was witnessed, oneself. That's the same as abandonment. It's not a matter of interpretation or definition, either. The rain fell from the sky or it didn't. So, I "made do" with what I had... and to do so, I had to engage in my own version of denial... and put forth effort and ingenuity and deny my own needs or find substitutes for what I needed emotionally... all while protecting, covering up for, and controlling/containing my momster. Letting go of her and the twisted up form of relationship required to pretend we had a relationship... would have been abandonment of her and didn't fit with the "loyalty and fairness" ideas I'd been indoctrinated with. (Which by the way, were only one-way... it didn't work in reverse that I could expect to be treated that way.)

So, how is it possible to break down the boundary of self of an individual? Well, that cognitive dissonance and the predictable denial of my mom was like a bludgeon. A battering ram. Reinforced by her "rules"... the black and white thinking mantras of either/or and good/bad. And just when I thought I might be "safe".... Ka BLAMMM!  Thar she blows again. SHE was the "other shoe dropping" that I experienced -- even long after I'd moved far from her. And the old tapes in my head, the echoes of her craziness... were an internal drive to hurt myself, that I mistakenly thought was somehow another "me".

[deep breath.... let it go]

I'm done arguing with the old tapes in my head. It's time to delete the files, erase that part of the drive and start over. Otherwise, I'm only spinning digital wheels over the same old ground again and throwing sand that goes nowhere except to dig myself in even deeper.

I'm still "me" without the old tapes running in my head. And "me" can - and probably should change over time. It serves no useful purpose to remain engaged in what I know is a failed strategy - harming myself to get help, make my mom care about and for me, get her to even acknowledge my reality - doesn't work. I really don't need to hide anymore. She can't hurt me. I'm not dependent on her -- and haven't been since I was 18. Yet I've let her keep me tied to this inane insanity for 36 years and not lived life for myself, according to MY rules and values... always trying to stay up on that tightrope between universes/realities.

I was abandoned a long time ago. Just before my Grandma died, she was quite angry with my mom over several things. Mom's wilful neglect of me was one of those things. And when Grandma passed (I was 7), my mom was hospitalized for the nervous breakdown and was way worse when she finally came home. I've made this sick relationship with mom, the "tragedy of my life" - a greek tragedy - and it's just not worth it anymore. It's time for me to return the favor of abandonment and not subject myself to the crap that gets in the way of healing my self. Sorry mom, it's either me or you - and you've done zip to endear yourself to me all these years... just the same old, same old crap shovelled at me and I'm supposed to eat it for you. That doesn't help either one of us. You'll be just fine without me.

Life awaits.

God's sitting back, still giggling probably, at the silly human wasting time and energy and life moments. If he thinks I'm funny - just wait till Congress is back in session! They're way better at this, than I am.

Guest:
Well said PR, time to live your own life. I don't know how much contact you have/had with your Momster, but in a way I feel like I received some kind of 'gift' in the fact that mine really doesn't want to contact me or include me in her life. She tried in the past, in nuts ways, but not much. The NC working both ways has been a blessing. Oh and continues to be so I guess. I take it for granted now (without thought) that I won't see her again (refreshing). Now I can work on removing/limiting the contact with other disordered people.

sKePTiKal:
There are spiritual traditions that describe letting go, as the perceptual experience of an egg breaking over one's head... and the primal life force energy dripping, oozing down over and into one. This image has come back to me, as I try to find ways to describe what I experienced a week ago...

when the shell of dinosaur egg that I've spent 42 years years building around me, to protect me from more shaming was forcefully cracked and peeled away from inside and out. The shell was between my day-to-day "me" and my ability to directly feel my feelings. It was built, because of the no-win dangers of my life with mom if I dared feel my own feelings and SAY what I felt; own them... and just BE ME. Whatever that is... without designing it to please others... be "acceptable"... be "good enough"... be "liked"... or taken seriously. Recognized as an individual human being. Me.

When I described feeling like all my skin had been peeled away - that is what comes after the egg shell is all gone. It's not painful - all the time; there are still the echoes of the toxic demons receding back into hell. They know they've lost. It's certainly not a familiar experience! And there is a return of feelings that I thought didn't exist anymore for me and didn't know how to find. Navigating through my life this way, is going to take some getting used to. It's OK, though - I'm not afraid; not anxious or worried; not sad or embarrassed - shamed - anymore. I'm not dwelling in some secret grotto of loss and grief under a facade of change, either. And I'm not substituting self-harm for what I really need... as much anymore. I'm not confusing those needs with some perverse need to harm myself... to stay "safe" or feel connected or... all the dumb ways I was encouraged to be.

It's a golden piece of screwed-up kid-logic, that thinks that by hurting oneself, putting oneself down, the evil in life will feel better about itself... and go away. Or that one can become invisible and go un-noticed - be hidden. It worked well enough with my mom, to convince me that this might be a good way to "be". Bleck.

Just as it took a long time to become this way... it'll take some more time to add in new and better changes, every day. I know I need some more confidence about my ability to change my habits before taking on the nicodemon. But at least now, I FEEL that it is possible - that the power of my old resistance is already waning - because I've decoded the source of it and said:

Self, do you really want to be this way? Don't you feel a little foolish, persisting in perpetuating this insanity - when you don't need to anymore???? And then Self gets a hug... because I DO understand how this started and why... and self did the best and safest thing to survive at the time; she wasn't OLD ENOUGH to be expected to know all this - and yet she did remarkably well under very trying circumstances... it's OK now. It's OVER. You made it to safety.

Time to do something else while getting used to this new tactile, emotional space of feeling that (sorry mom...you were WRONG) doesn't prevent my brain working - at the same time.

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