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Deconstructing Self-Harm

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Guest:
I see the EVIL in life as some kind of way of not looking at the problem of human STUPIDITY. Of course that 'problem' is my problem; because problems are what we construct out of nothing. :lol: Clever or wot? :|

sKePTiKal:
Sometimes, evil is just ignorance or stupidity Freshwater. You're right.

And sometimes it's just mean & cruel & vindictive beyond reason - for no reason whatsoever. Those of us who suffer from the latter can only suppose that the perpetrator does this to feel better within their own ego, because of their lack of empathy and humanity. Whatever the reason - it's not really "sane". There is no possibility of understanding it, for those of us who depended on people like this to "take care of us".

There is only letting it go and moving on. There is no other way that I've found - and I looked a long time.

I could not find a definition or a how-to for "letting go" that FELT right to me. I had no idea what this meant. Now, I have some idea of what it feels like but it's still mysterious and like some quantum physical element that won't stand still long enough for me to study it! But that's OK too. I like not knowing everything, these days - that means I can be pleasantly surprised, or can immerse myself in something more in depth than I previously had time for... mysteries are meant to be appreciated, not necessarily solved. Maybe they're meant to be "felt" more than thought about... hmmmm....

So - the "moving on" stage is going to be pleasantly different for me. My house is full of projects that I started, or thought about starting... things I postponed, for one reason or another. I have another house that I've completely neglected dealing with for a whole host of reasons and need to prepare to sell. My sewing room is about to bounce up into my field of view again - I made a first pass at organizing it (we'll have been here 2 yrs in Jan) - but it's now time to think about making again. I need cushions for the banquette in the kitchen and a dress for a wedding that will be attended heavily by a bunch of artists - young, vibrant, persistently cheerful artists. Hubbie needs help making workspace in his garages: a.) to finish moving utilitarian stuff from the old house and b.) to begin building a cedar kayak. Unless we get into welding and making metal sculpture... I have wood stuff to paint, refinish, customize... and I've hoarded some interesting canvases for certain ideas that couldn't push their way through my focus on the past - and just what it would take to let that "distraction" go permanently. I am making friends with someone at a fun boutique for women who love fashion but are a "certain age" - YES!!! They really do exist. I have a neighbor who can help me a bit with watercolor, I think... and hubs says the weather is getting cool enough to make some day trips in our mid-life crisis convertible. I want to explore the rest of North Carolina... especially the mountains... which I love as much as the oceanside. I miss dirt - even my herbs are having a tough time in the sand and drought here. And my business stuff is calming down to a manageable level... tinker here, tweak there kind of thing.

So far, I've solved my "brother" problem by essentially accepting that he is a stranger with absolutely no business experience and working with him that way. My mother is off limits for me; don't need that crap anymore and I couldn't care less if that hurts her feelings. When did she even show one iota of concern for mine? I have OTHER family. And I have Phamily, too.

It's time to go play. Thank you guys...

OnlyMe:
Dear PR,
Thank you for this thread...
It was as though I had written it myself.... I could hardly believe my eyes as I read your words....from the childhood pains to the hobby room and canvases waiting for you...  

I honour the way you have so clearly described everything, and am cheering you on your new healing path of letting go.  
I have been away for a while, but have come back... the "letting go" seems to be a never-ending journey, for me at least.
Each day, I struggle with knowing who I am... breaking the habits of ensuring NM is the one who shines.  
I, too, am just learning how to Play.  I, too, have an art room filled to overflowing with supplies and treasures waiting for me.  Playing, laughing, joy, fun were never allowed.  Nor was I allowed to waste my eyes on reading Fiction.  
Your thread is so timely.  I spent yesterday, a rainy day, in my little art room, clearing off some of my work surfaces, sorting and organizing things.... baby steps towards having "fun" and "play".... it felt so good.... and, another interesting thought, I have noticed that I always, and I can safely say 'always', sabotage my own feelings of fun or play, by distracting myself with some trivial chore.... so it takes all day to clear a small space, if I am enjoying playing.....

and yet, I watch my husband enjoy all his free time 'playing'... guilt free!  Guilt Free!  I keep asking him how he can do it guilt free, and he just smiles and says it is easy!
There is the difference between being raised in a loving family versus a toxic environment....

all this to say, Yes, time to Play.

sKePTiKal:
Thank you OnlyMe!

I relate to the organizing/cleaning "distraction" to "pay for" playtime. LOL!! I think this might've been one of my first "warning symptoms" (ignored at the time, of course).

It is interesting, being able to spot others "of us" as we go through life. The more I shed shame, and am able to talk about things... the more I find people who know exactly what I'm talking about... and before I know it, I'm hearing their story, too. Sadly, it's a lot of people... or maybe that's just "life". I don't know.

I do know, it's probably time for me to direct my attention and energy away from this intensive pursuit of "what happened"... and de-briefing myself (and you all) about it... and go make other things happen. Not that I'm going to up & disappear from here!! I still need a whole lotta reassurance & propping up as I encounter new things - I'm still not that great at doing this for myself, but I keep working on it. And I'm happy to be able to return the favor, when needed.

You really sound good these days, by the way. Real solid, in yourself. Good for you!

OnlyMe:
Hi PhoenixRising,
Well, if you feel it might be time to try your wings and soar free, then listen to your inner voice, knowing that you have this board as a big safety net, and a reassuring home base.

Over the years, I have steadily tried to come to terms with "what happened", and just when I think I have it all sorted out, I read something like this thread and have yet another giant "aha" moment, as more and more pieces fall into place.  This thread shed even more light into my understanding of why I do some of the things I do.  It also leads me to think that you have a really good perspective on the N situation, too, for I sensed a great strength and insight as I read it.

It takes a tremendous amount work to train ourselves new ways to take care of ourselves, and that we deserve to take care of ourselves, who knew?!   And it takes a tremendous amount of courage to essentially step out into the unknown, after a lifetime of being voiceless and invisible.  I have been taking baby steps... a few steps out, then one back again to safety.... and so on.  Also, I find there are good days and bad days, brave days and not-so-brave days.  At this moment, I feel like I have one foot on solid ground and the other on sinking sand.  This is good news, because in the past, I felt like I was up to my neck in the sinking sand, with my hand waving....for help if anyone could see it, and goodbye if no one did.....

I would like to say to you, that you sound really good these days, too.  Well done, PR.  
So far so good!
Thank you for your inspiration.

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