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need quick advice

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sKePTiKal:
Wanna know a secret Ales?

I've got 16 journals that all pretty much say the same thing; written since 2004... what's that 7 years? And yes, I'm still struggling with self-sabotage and self-harm (including kicking myself - judging myself too harshly, and expecting way more out of myself than is reasonable for a human being). I still get disappointed in people that I trust... sometimes it's bad; sometimes it's a forgivable mistake but still makes me more wary - or tired & depressed about the human condition. At the moment, I'm not communicating real well with hubs... and feel pretty emotionally needy... it's coming out in physical ailments too... and I don't have a clue where THIS came from or what to do about it. Maybe it's a new inner self strategy to sabotage myself again...

... or maybe it's simply "growing pains"... emotional ones... as I get to used to and assimilate that 7 years worth of multiple (yet redundant) <sarcasm> "brilliant flashes of insight" </sarcasm> into my own dysfunctional state of being, that I came to in all those journals.

But hey! THAT'S ME... not YOU. Point being, there is no "normal" timeframe... no yardstick... no shoulds... about where you get to, when, in the recovery from abuse process. It's just so unfair and not really possible to compare ourselves to other people or some concept of "normal", for a lot of reasons. Because it takes a long time to completely rewire one's brain - and the method of rewiring is repetition - I believe (you don't have to) that's one of the reasons we "repeat" experiences in the healing process. The other reason for repeating experiences, that I'm currently exploring, is that we're "waking up" our emotions each time. Feeling them more and feeling different things. Some of those things are scary; many are good. Feeling feelings is a GOOD thing; it's how humans are designed to be... and I am just wacky enough to include all the negative feelings, too. Which leads me to my theory... (please bear with me; I'm "chatty" and in professor-mode this a.m.)...

Emotional pain, anxiety, depression (some of the time), anger, despair, self-pity, and what I'll call just general emotional agony and frustration... are all symptoms of a conflict in our being that grew in response to abusive FOOs in our development years. Sure, symptoms can be severe and require medical (Rx) intervention. That's not bad in and of itself. Each to his/her own, in their own needs and present moments. Like Hops has said... it can help one get to "another place" - another frame of mind - in which to address and deal with things more productively. But all it does is treat the symptoms, IMO, so that one can "carry on". It does NOT deal with or change the original source of the problem. It may, for some people, help them get to that frame of mind where they CAN begin to address the source of the problem.

I'm one who has bizarre reactions to drugs, so that wasn't an option for me. I knew and had to persuade the people trying to help me (MD, T) that it would only make things more complex, confusing, and essentially postpone doing what I needed to do - get to the source of why I was in this battle with myself and finally understand why I am this way... and be able to figure what in the world I could do about it. And perhaps making this choice, only made things harder on myself - it was certainly more painful - but looking back now, from this perspective, I see that being allowed to FEEL all my pain... all those awful emotions... was my "way out". To simply HEAR myself wail and rant and bitch and... well, HEAR MY SELF. To know "who I am". It was exactly what I was fighting to NOT do - resisting by clinging to avoidance of my pain and agony... trying to run away from it before I even knew what "it" was... so of course I was over-anxious... exhausted... because:

everywhere I went there "it" was.

I am better than I was. I have some control over my need to harm myself, kick myself, or even change my routines and habits. It's not a lot of control and I still have to put forth effort, focus, and concentration. I have to lecture myself sternly... to not treat myself exactly the way my mom did. I even woke hubs up the other night - talking in my sleep - while I was dreaming I was screaming at myself in a last-straw rage. All of this is part of the growth, development and re-wiring process. Even that dream was a positive development because I am angry with myself and I might as well SAY so and express the emotion and really FEEL it -- otherwise how will it ever change, diminish, or be let go??

Avoiding FEELING (anything & everything) is my problem... it was my response to my particular set of warped, sick, perverse family mind-games and abuse. And this caused the anxiety and depression symptoms I had; one feels even when one is trying not to (no, those feelings are not all gone... 'coz guess what? Even "normal" folk experience these feelings in response to real-life situations. Not to be confused with feeling those "symptoms" for no rational reason or way out of proportion to reality.) It also caused a form a paralysis in my life; where all this bad stuff happened to me and I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't know what to do about it... because I didn't know what I wanted; because I kept avoiding my feelings - including the good ones: fun, happy, want... need.

Well, hell. Enough about me and where I've been on the path! I wanted to post something yesterday because I HEARD the feelings in what you wrote, real clearly, Ales. And I heard you asking to be shown the way out, too. And I felt I wanted to reach out to you and pull you right out of that place to someplace a little more comfortable. But I wasn't sure I could explain at least my way out, clearly enough or that it was a good fit for you. If it's not - just move on and ignore what I wrote.

What I wanted to tell you (and all the rest is back story masquerading as preamble)... is that you need to cut yourself a break. If you're having a day when you're just not up to anything - THAT'S OK. Curl up on the couch and read a book or watch soaps or movies all day. Sometimes, all that frantic "doing" is only digging the exhaustion, frustration and anxiety hole deeper. Do whatever you FEEL like doing... go back to bed and pull the covers over your head... stay in your jammies all day and don't answer the door or the phone. Do whatever works for you to rest, relax, feel cozy and safe and taken care of. We are allowed to take a time-out from this work... we are allowed to take a whole day (or live large & take two days!) off... from all this... to be Scarlett O'Hara and say: "I'll think about this tomorrow..."

You are allowed to be... whatever you are... right this minute and if you're exasperated with it all, then take some time off from trying to fix it! Kick all the feelings of guilt, or shoulds, or "other people" to the curb with a resounding F-you! Anxiety about getting too comfy shows up? Set an alarm clock for as long a time ahead as you want or can, given your life obligations... and make a deal with yourself, that you'll re-assess where you are THEN, do what you have to do and if you need more time off - schedule it.

You are allowed to do this because it's called taking care of yourself. You will probably feel some things while you do this. Just feel them, OK? Then let it drift off... distract yourself... don't think about the feeling. Cry if you feel like it. Beat pillows if you feel angry. Yell at the tv... cheer... laugh... and give your brain a rest. Tomorrow will be better. Just hear your self. Write some more if you feel like it... see if the tone is different today.

It's OK, it's all right - even if it doesn't FEEL like it right now. You're doing all the right things and going in the right direction.

JEEZ... anyone wanna soapbox??? (sorry that was so long Ales... and I really hope it helps a little.)

Ales2:
Thank you both for your posts and insight. It was very helpful!

I went in for my check up today and as it turns out, the bad day last week was a PMS day, although my thoughts on the matter are the same, my anxiety level decreased over the week and I had a decent weekend. My check today indicates that the medication is working.

The things that still concern me are:

1.There is no substitute for family. The holidays are coming up and I might be alone again this year. Going to friends or events on the actual holidays makes me feel worse, so I avoid that. Ever year I say I will meet my match and well, 43 single christmases and no such luck. My dream of having my own family is fading very quickly. 

2. Still dont know how to attract different bosses or jobs or relationships, so keep repeating same dead ends. Not sure how this can or ever will change.

3. Productivity on the job search and writing is still not happening. This HAS to change if I am going to get anywhere, but #2 keeps paralyzing me.

Thats about it. I was skeptical that the medication would work, since I think its external stuff, not my brain chemistry, that is making me depressed. My last concern is:

4. I'll get relief from depression, but it will relapse by the holidays or worse, I will have a meltdown. I also have some concern that I only have four weeks left on medication, and I hope they can help me find another resource for medication, if I still need it,  when the study ends.

Thats it for now. Sorry I am not responding much to other people's posts these days, I'm just trying to focus on myself and keep my head up. All the best to everyone.

Hopalong:
As hard as that week was, Ales...

you hung in.

That's no small thing.

Courage.

(I know what you mean--I have to begin the anti-holiday battle soon too.)

love,
Hops

Ales2:
Thanks Hops.

The study coordinator was trying to get me to see that being NC was a success and requires courage, however I view it as a failure - in the sense of not getting along well with others.  It causes difficulty for me when others are quick to judge, suggesting that I am the sole problem and not acknowledging any accountability on her part. It should also be noted that in my case, NC is not the result of something that happened many years ago and I've just not been able to forgive, but a continuing, present day dysfunction and verbal abuse that continues to be destructive.

Ales2:
One of the weird paradoxes of anti-d's is that everyone tells us happiness or wellbeing is on the inside.  Taking medication seems to be seeking an outside source to change what is inside.  I cant quite wrap my head around that. Feels like I'm becoming nothing more than a drug addict, trying to medicate away the pain. Also, I wanted to ask the depression study coordinator if people who believe that external factors make them happy or well, are not likely to be helped from anti-d'd because they dont acknowledge the inner wellbeing?

I guess I will find out.

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