What can I do?

[Lupita]

I finally broke up with him one month ago. He did not call me at all, thank God. But I saw him at the dance last week. He asked me to dance and I said no. I saw him last night and he asked me to dance again three times and I said no the three times. He was so upset, that he came to a group of people I was talking to and he said good night to everybody before leaving except me.
Hopefully he wont want to dance with me anymore. But he is so mad that I don’t know what is he going to do now. He has caused me so much pain and so much damage that I do not want to be close to him.
I have the feeling that something is going on in the tango environment because I catch people looking at me in a way that they know something that I do not and they laugh. I suspect that M’s friends made a video of me mocking me and put it in the internet. I do not know how to stop something I do not know because I have asked a woman that I thought was my friend and she told me why don’t you ask M. I said because we do not talk anymore. She did not tell me anything. She said, if somebody laughs at me I would not care any less. That was all. But the feeling of I am being mocked does not go away, not in the dance, because in the dance I am having a good time because I love dancing, but after the dance. The next day when I start analizing what was going on. Maybe I should not analize what was going on but just accept the fact that I was one of the women who most danced and people who sit the only thing they do is talk about those who are dancing.
A group of women reject me but they are M’s friends. I don’t know what M told them. Every time I try to get a new friend M dances with her, his female friends invite her to the group and I end up alone again. Last night I was with one lady that moved to another table because I was dancing too much and she was not. Hope I do not lose her friendship. I don’t understand why I cannot make friends. M really screwed me. I don’t want to leave tango, I love dancing tango.
The facts, I went there, I was welcomed by the owner of the studio, she even asked me to go buy ice for her, I loved doing her a favor, I had several men who danced with me. I danced without stop for three hours.
It is just to know that M is doing something and the rejection of these women and thinking that they could do something really bad to me.
How can I get out of this ngithmare? I want to tango. Maybe I should rest from tango a little, just a month or something like that? What do y

[Hopalong]

How can I get out of this ngithmare? I want to tango. Maybe I should rest from tango a little, just a month or something like that?

Lupita, that's your own wise inner friend talking, I think.

You know what this friend thinks -- I agree with her.

I wish for you the strength to let your inner friend have more space to speak.
I'm so glad she's gotten strong enough to show up...

that's a GOOD thing!

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Hopalong, I do not understand what you are saying. Are you saying that I should get out of tango? rest a little?

It is unfair that I have to leave with the tail between my legs because of a son of a b*&ch.

Men like dancing with me.

What is wrong with this picture?

My mistake of getting involved with a man that is poison and a scorpion and knowing that I still fell in love with him? Is that it? Am I paying the consequences of my weaknesses?

[Lupita]

I wish it was not my fault, but I have to take responsibility. I chose to get involved with a man despite many red flags. I prefered bad company rather than being alone. Now I am alone and with a lot of trouble in my beloved hobby.

Maybe God does not want me to dance tango. In church they say that tango is sinful. But it is so beautiful, the kinestetix sensations of the movements are so hypnotic and wonderful. I really do nto want to stop but something tells me that I should find anothe hobby that causes me less stress.

If I could just control my mind and do not give a sh*t to what people say! That would be the solution. Not to care.

[Hopalong]

Tango IS lovely. Romantic, dramatic, exaggerated, hypnotic, dark, thrilling, illusory.
In my opinion, the social and seductive side of it undermines your character and your resolve to become emotionally healthy. It is the wrong dance for you at this chapter of your life.

It is not right for you to sacrifice your wellness for a dance. Any dance.

That's why I suggested a while ago that, because you love movement, you are a good person, and you are creative and want to interact, you might explore some of the OTHER ways you could experience the joy of movement, dance, contact...without the seduction atmosphere that is so destructive for you.

It is the core of tango -- all sex, all attraction and repulsion, and I think at THIS stage in your life, it is toxic for you.

Meanwhile, think of all the other ways you could be experiencing new joys in movement!

Yoga
Tai chi
Hiking
Nature exploration
Running by the sea
Teaching dance to children
Visiting old people, helping them dance

Why not decide to do those things for 2 years? You can still meet people and explore in groups. But without the sexual massive charge that is inevitable with tango, and which is truly destablizing for you. You confuse the partner in the drama of the dance and all those come-hither, go-away, acceptance and rejection sub-dramas that are constantly played out there. It is like pouring gasoline on the embers of your insecurities. While you are trying to heal them, you keep setting them aflame.

You have wounds around relationship, Lup. You need to treat them with care, consciousness, not recklessness. You deserve peace as well as friendship. Most of all, you deserve your OWN friendship.

As your own, caring and concerned friend, who wants to reduce your suffering and teach you new ways of being happy in the world...what do you tell yourself?

You don't have to renounce tango permanently. But you could choose to give yourself a chance for a real amount of time to stop being hypnotized by a ritual that prevents you from seeing clearly about relationships, and people, and yourself.

I sound like an old Puritan, but I think sacrificing tango for a time would be like giving oxygen to new, healthier parts of yourself.

love to you,
Hops

[lighter]

Hey Lupe:

I wish you could just ignore the girls, and M and anyone who's behaving badly.

Being social with the director sounds positive.

Having girl, and guy friends, is acceptable. Do you get along with the guys you dance with?

You don't have to have girlfriends at class if they're a complete PITA, ya know?

Maybe make a deal with yourself......

the next 3 times I go to dance class I will ignore the sophomoric behavior of M, and his little toadies.

I will dance like it's the last time I'll get to dance on this earth, and THAT will be my focus.

If I can't focus on the positive, and learn to cope with/ignore the negative, then I'll take a break, and see how I feel about it.

It sounds like your face is pressed up against the glass, and you can't get a good look at what's going on.

Rise above.  Breath.  Remove the emotion.  Look down on your situation from a mile away.

Now..... what advice would you give to someone who's in your situation?

Someone who loves to dance: )

Lighter

[lighter]

Lupe?

You OK?

[Lupita]

Thank you for asking. Sometimes I think nobody cares.
Guess what, I did not go to tango this weekend thinking that I would have peace. I went to a meditation group and a discussion after the meditation. the Book reading was nice and the meditation also. But during the discussion a woman dedicated to correct every single of my comments and wanted to be on top of me. I had a baad time during the discussion. So, i have a bad time even in a meditation with "good" people. I went to my cultish friends where I get free classes of meditation and they were opset when I said I love chicken. They are opposed to sex and deisres. Desires give you pain. It is true but I am not ready to give up all in my life. I like excitement adne xcitement gives you pain. Also they corrected my dressing and my way of sitting/ So, I have a bad time even with saitns that give up their time for free.

What is wrong with me!!!!!!!!

The good think is that I did not wake up sad, and I did not wake up with fear. I get fear in Tango because of M's friends and M's precense. I should not get fear from such people. But i know that I lost my last job because fo them. M's best friend work in human resources, a woman, where the school depended on. I am in a regular school  now and hope he cannot interfere with that. I do not talk to him, and rejected him for dancing fifteen days ago.

I have 6 week without M. I am starting my 7th week without M. It is like alcoholics and say I have been seven weeks without a drink. I am not alcoholik but I ma loveholic.

So, my point, I am improving. But I want to be independednt from other's people opinions.

Anyway, Lighter, thank you for asking. I wish I could talk to you on the phone and hear a human voice. I need  three D friend. A real freind. I ahve not been able to fijnd a friend in three D.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Lupe -

About eating chicken, sitting "correctly" and wearing the "right" clothes... sigh... you have just encountered spiritual one-ups-manship. It's a form of spiritual pride... and duh! that kind of criticism just isn't helpful to anyone - not even the person spitting it out. If you can ignore it and still continue... you'll still find some benefits in the meditation itself.

About 3-D friends... I think you HAVE one who is always with you. She's YOU. I know that's not what you meant. But, think about it... if you can be friends with yourself first... it'll be easier to attract and be friends with someone else, right? You might need some boundaries even with the bestest of friends... and even with yourself. I've found that can be true, sometimes for me: I need some boundaries about how much I allow myself to criticize and beat up on myself, emotionally. Boundaries aren't seamless stainless steel fences... they have gates and I have the key - I can invite people or keep people out. Boundaries matter for some things and not others... and the things they matter for, change with different situations and different people and even different times in our lives. We're just people - no one gets it right the first time, every time. We trust and get disappointed - even threatened. We fear anything that looks like some awfulness we experienced before and do our best to avoid it. But we keep trying... because there are good people out there. Because we're working at being better people too... we try to help others when we can.... or think we can.

I know it feels kinda like an uphill battle... and sometimes you feel like you'll slide back down 15 steps for each one you take forward and up. But it's OK. It's all learning and progress (even the sliding back...). If you are isolated and don't share some of your feelings, sure you're gonna feel like no one cares. But now, that's not really true either is it? We care, right? Have you ever posted and never got a single reply?

It's OK Lupe. It's gonna be all right. You're doing real good!

[lighter]

I sent you a message, Lupita.

I'm so proud of you for adding the meditation class.

I agree with Amber..... you'll get something out of it, if you continue.

You can also take what you like from it, and practice at home or the beach (which sounds really good too.)

The journey continues: )

Lighter