Junked

[nolongeraslave]

Ready to delete. The person I knows I post on these forums!

[Hopalong]

Do you need to be on your own for a time, as you get stronger?

You have struggled to breathe on your own and to be your own advocate because of your mother's and culture's dominance.

Is it possible to accept a boyfriend "letting you" or "not letting you" go, stay home, cook, call, not call, write for support online or not?

Isn't that the same struggle? Who tells you what to do?

Who should it be? That is your deepest question, I believe.

You are fighting to learn how to think and to decide for yourself...perhaps focusing on healing yourself and defining your own life is the most important thing.

Cary Tennis has a column today on www.salon.com about a conflict between a young Indian woman and her mother -- extremely compassionate and wise (about them both).

I thought of you immediately.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

NLS -

wait a bit! See what comes up and out in the couples counseling before deciding, is my advice. Give him (and yourself and the relationship) a chance. Patience sometimes really does pay off. He sounds like he does care about you and while he may not understand exactly how to "help" you... he's trying. Sure... he might be clumsy, push your buttons, and even frighten you sometimes with wondering if you really know him... but he's trying and willing to work it out. That counts for a lot, in his plus column.

There are places on the journey to autonomy - independence of self - where I became very sensitive to being dependent on anyone, for anything. I was judging myself... but blaming others, too. There was the problem of thinking everyone other than me knew more, had better judgement than I did, too. And with everything else I was trying to work on, it felt like too much and just not worth it some days to interact with my hubs and who he is. My instinct was to run as far as I could - now. It was something that required constant adjustment in my relationship with hubs... and we are still adjusting.

Hubs likes to tease me and he makes justifiable comments about "how I am" too that bothers him... but he's only trying to get me out of my withdrawn, introspective shell and pay attention to and be "with" him - "play with him". I've jumped him over and over again... because of the fact that I "hear" criticism in his teasing, I don't "need it", and it pushes my buttons -- which could be dangerous for him, because I will fight back. Each and every time, I explain to him why it hurts... and I'm not able to dish back witty repartee. And he gets it, he really does... but he keeps trying to give me the chance to play - to feel secure enough in myself, to be present enough - to be able to "dish it" and be - here - now with him... and just dance our dance without the old patterns of the past intruding. And he's right - sometimes I'm just not being fair to him, while I'm trying to care for myself.

Most men don't have that kind of patience. When you fiind one that keeps trying to help - even if he's doing the wrong things - well, he's rare. Maybe in the long run it won't work out... but it's sure worth the risk to let yourself get to the "long run" before deciding that. And if he's willing to understand and change and give you your space... and room to change too... and if you can even talk about and explain your feelings to each other... honey, he's worth considering a keeper!

But that's just my opinion - and I don't know you or him. So I'm just sharing my experience and doing some "maybe-supposing" while defending the boyfriend with you, because it seems like you haven't made up your mind... and I hear some self-doubt or thinking that perhaps your friends know more about what works for you, what you need and want - than you do. What would it hurt to simply wait and see how things turn out in counselling before deciding? (And if I'm wrong with my supposing, you know what to do with my suggestion - kick it to the curb!!)

[Hopalong]

You have. You've dealt with a lot worse.

I think you're coming up so much stronger...so much more YOU in there.

Here's the column, and the letters at the end are sometimes even more revelatory:
http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/

hugs,
Hops

[BonesMS]

I edited this post, but I'm going to put it back again. I don't know what the hell is going on. Things were going so well for 11 months.  He was understanding of my family's history. He said he was proud of what I overcame. He told me I was beautiful, nice and smart. He always wanted to hang out with me and didn't ignore me.

Things didn't work out with my roommate, so I moved in with my boyfriend until I could get my own place. Ever since moving in with him last month, things went sour. There were a few incidences where he said I was acting dumb, retarded and like an idiot. I get panic attacks sometimes, and he gets frustrated with them.  He went from being empathic to not being supportive at all about my mental health. He wants me to "snap out of it" and says I'm not trying hard enough. He gets mad and says "You choose to feel this way."   I feel as if he's dictating to me how I should feel.   He says he can read me like a book, and that I don't even realize that I'm depressed. He accuses me of being brainwashed by others. I tell him this isn't true, but he insists that he's right. 

He demands that I be angry at my parents and hate their guts. He doesn't want me to call my step-dad "dad." He demanded that I should give him my phone, so I don't call my step-dad on father's day.  He once grabbed my lipstick out of my hand when I wanted to take it with me. He didn't let me exericse, because he says I'm too obsessed with losing weight. He didn't let me cook, because he says I'm too fixated on cooking and am trying to impress other people.

He doesn't want me posting on these forums, because he thinks they will make me more depressed. I tell him they make me feel better, and he thinks that he knows what's best for me.   He doesn't want me on facebook or on sexual abuse survivor groups.

Lastly, when I confront him and tell him how I feel-He doesn't take responsibility.  He denies it and says that I'm looking for imaginary red flags. He says I'm making things up.

Sounds like gas-lighting to me.  I'm seeing red flags regarding his attempts at controlling what you think, feel, say, opinions, etc.  Just my perspective.

[BonesMS]

I put the post up, and I'm back to square one. He said a couple of times that he would go to couples' counseling, and now he's refusing to go. He thinks it won't help  and that we're adults that can figure it out.

This morning, he tried to finger me when I was asleep. I yelled stop it, because I felt so startled. I had a rough night where I had flashbacks of my step-dad and other stuff.  He got mad and said I'm acting so weird and distant.  I asked him "What am I doing, because I think I'm acting fine."  He says I cringe everytime he tries to touch me.  Well, if there's relationship problems, that disrupts the intimacy.  Especially when you're being called dumb, retarded and having your feelings dismissed.  

I don't cringe when he tries to touch me, even though he feels I am. I tried to hold his hand, and he backed off. He gets mad at me for the same things he does.  In his eyes, it's okay for him to do as he pleases. If I do the same thing, it's not okay.  he's entitled to say whatever he wants, blame me and hold it against me. I'm not allowed to do this.

He tells me to snap out of it and get over things, but he will bring up comments that I made 6 months ago. He reminds me very much of my ex, even though he says he's nothing like my ex.   He says that my depression is what ruined the relationship.

I'm so angry at why the hell do I keep attracting these men? I try to be nice. I try to be sweet. I worked out my issues in therapy with my parents. I know that I need to be careful in dating.  Why is this happening again? I thought this was a good person, but he's turning into something else.

Based on my perspective, N's have the uncanny knack to fool others until they can reel us in.  They don't like being called on their bullsh*t when they get caught so they try to flip it back.  You are GROWING IN WISDOM and you are able to recognize it and set boundaries!  As for his fingering you while you were asleep!!!!     HE HAD NO RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU WITHOUT YOUR BEING AWAKE AND CONSENTING!!!!!  He's lucky he didn't find himself knocked to the floor with a black eye!  GEEZ!!!!!

[sKePTiKal]

Well, without taking back what I said in my first post, I can't help agreeing with Bones:

He's lucky he didn't find himself knocked to the floor with a black eye!  GEEZ!!!!!

I've got pretty fast reflexes and have had to repeatedly warn Hubs, that it's quite possible I'll react without pre-meditation and he'll get hurt, if he tries to touch me without warning. A few close calls made him aware that I wasn't kidding and wasn't making it up, either. The whole issue of sex is a can o' worms for anyone who went through an assault or abuse. Yes, I do cringe when touched; at least wince... and the "why" is real complicated, even for me to understand - much less explain. That said, there are ways to get past that. One thing that helps, is if I take the initiative. The other is to not let "that part of my mind" take over from my body-mind-emotion feedback and sensation, in the present moment. I check in with my boundaries, too and try to head off at the pass, any over-zealous boundary guards, once I've made my decision.

Speaking of boundaries. It sounds as though BF thinks that since you moved in you're not supposed to have any boundaries. And you're not all comfortable with that. You don't have to be. You can still live there and have your own space, maintain some boundaries. That's necessary in a healthy relationship. (There'd be a lot of injured husbands otherwise!!) I'd certainly inform him of some reasonable ones you think will help you feel more comfortable being there. And if possible be open to compromise or negotiation, just remember it's absolutely normal to "want what you want"... OK? And without that, you may not feel comfortable enough to stay. If he can't respect your boundaries - especially after knowing the reasons why - he's opening the door wide for you to walk through, sweetie. Take him up on the offer and good riddance, right? No beating up on yourself just because HE'S the jerk, you know?

[Hopalong]

My friends say it's good I recognized the signs in just one month of living with him and getting out ASAP

Your friends are right. It is good. Not only that, it's BIG. It's huge!

One habit from being physically OR mentally abused is to tirelessly minimize what's good and strong and growing
and learning and changing in yourself, and let the mistakes (that are natural to any human being as they navigate
their life lessons) become massive, eternal, unchanging, everywhere, the-only-thing-to-focus-on.

Pooey. I think you're really choosing a new path and that this awareness is absolutely a fantastic piece of news.

How many people figure this out after years of marriage? Trapped? With multiple kids and no work?

GOOD job, NLAS. You'll work out the transition, and you DO have time to build your independent life.
Which you can share with someone else one day. Have faith that the future is wide and open.

Kudos to you for this healthy decision.

Hops