Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
I know my periodic daughter posts must be tedious. Everybody here has it memorized! The "can she live with you?" was a new wrinkle, but I'm glad he wrote.
I remember you mentioned how tiring it is to hear from people stuck in a self-destructive loop, but I also know that this was probably the last boundary I'll have to set. Although I don't feel happy about it, it does feel like I did the right thing.
It's just like when somebody turns over a compost pile, when her crises and email campaigns hit my Inbox. Emotional worms!
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
This isn't a self destructive loop though, Hopsie, it's an ongoing situation which is a very different thing. Whether you have contact or not it doesn't change the emotional turmoil that comes with a situation like this. I've not spoken to my mum for years, you know all the stuff that went there, but I still think about her everyday. I think the thing that a lot of people don't realise is that no or low contact doesn't magically fix a situation, it just lessens the number of ways and times that you can get hurt. It doesn't stop it hurting, just means that you don't keep getting fresh ones on a daily basis.
I think there's a big difference between doing what you can - setting boundaries, helping/communicating when it's useful/necessary, trying to stick to your own lane and make sure you take care of yourself - and endlessly repeating the same pattern without changing anything or taking any action. It's 'repetition without any action' that I find tiring with some people I know, not hearing about a tough situation someone is experiencing and how they're getting through it. This is definitely the place to air those mother/daughter thoughts. It's hard not to respond to other people's cries for help but with everything else that's gone on it is the right thing to do. You've got to fasten your own life jacket first. xx
lighter:
Ugh....I sensed that gut punch all the way here, (((Hops.)))
"Can she live with you?"
She can, and has, but can't bc it creates an unsafe environment for you.
It would be unwise to dismiss the truth when you're mother's heart wails, ime. It wouldn't create safety for your DD. It would move you both into destructive and unsafe territory, imo.
Boundaries are stabilizing. They create safe space to be responsive in constructive ways, as with the dental care.
(((Hops)))
Hopalong:
Thanks, y'all.
Our lives would be a lot more peaceful (hers and mine) if they just created some safe, free housing for people who cannot afford or manage on their own. She has jumped through a lot of hoops and is resourceful enough to pursue public services. Now she's at an extended-stay hotel near the airport, I think it's the bottom rung for her, and she needs to secure the room for another month. Then there'll be another month, etc. Without transportation, it takes her half a day to take a bus to the library for an hour on a computer, so booking appointments and searching for some kind of employment is exhausting. She's on two dozen pills a day.
Now I'm fantasizing (only) that if I cut spending to the bone marrow maybe I could pay her housing for a while. But my experience of paying for her dental work, which I'm still glad I did, is that it was like a crack in the dam. She's been doing "emergency appeals" online and by email for years and years. Partly it's her own ADHD, which inspires profound disorganization and procrastination (you know I know). On top of bipolar, Asperger's, ADHD and Addisons disease....poor kid (at 43). She just doesn't have control of her thoughts to a degree that will get her out of this mess.
All her problems would be solved if I weren't here. Nope, I'm not suicidal. It's just a fact. She'll inherit this little house and whatever cash is left, if any. Security. I'm just wondering if she'll make it that long.
I really understand how much you've worried about Son, (((((Tupp))))). You've shown a level of resilience I can only aspire to.
Thanks for listening. I'm so grateful there's this safe space to let the uglies out.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 25, 2024, 12:23:48 PM ---Thanks, y'all.
Our lives would be a lot more peaceful (hers and mine) if they just created some safe, free housing for people who cannot afford or manage on their own. She has jumped through a lot of hoops and is resourceful enough to pursue public services. Now she's at an extended-stay hotel near the airport, I think it's the bottom rung for her, and she needs to secure the room for another month. Then there'll be another month, etc. Without transportation, it takes her half a day to take a bus to the library for an hour on a computer, so booking appointments and searching for some kind of employment is exhausting. She's on two dozen pills a day.
Now I'm fantasizing (only) that if I cut spending to the bone marrow maybe I could pay her housing for a while. But my experience of paying for her dental work, which I'm still glad I did, is that it was like a crack in the dam. She's been doing "emergency appeals" online and by email for years and years. Partly it's her own ADHD, which inspires profound disorganization and procrastination (you know I know). On top of bipolar, Asperger's, ADHD and Addisons disease....poor kid (at 43). She just doesn't have control of her thoughts to a degree that will get her out of this mess.
All her problems would be solved if I weren't here. Nope, I'm not suicidal. It's just a fact. She'll inherit this little house and whatever cash is left, if any. Security. I'm just wondering if she'll make it that long.
I really understand how much you've worried about Son, (((((Tupp))))). You've shown a level of resilience I can only aspire to.
Thanks for listening. I'm so grateful there's this safe space to let the uglies out.
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
You have the same level of resillience, Hops, it just shows in a different way. You've maintained a loving relationship with your D, but one that doesn't involve you enabling her in any way. You've weathered the pain and the heartache, got on with life without becoming bitter and cynical (that in itself is no mean feat) and you're practical about the reality of the situation going forward. Yes you could cut to the bone and help her again short term. But as you say, it's short term, what happens the next time, and the next, and the next? None of us have limitless supplies of anything. It's harder to say no because it is the sensible thing to do. Head over heart is always more difficult, in my opinion, especially with those we love.
I do agree with you completely about the need for safe, available housing for people with vulnerabilities. I've known so many people over the years who just can't cope and they expend so much time and energy meeting their most basic needs that they can never move forward. It seems to me it would be cheaper long term to provide the basics in certain situations and avoid the repeated crisis events that keep coming up.
Here's hoping something does come along that helps her with her current situation, Hopsie, but I think you've done the right and sensible thing xx
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