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Mothering Again, con't.

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Hopalong:

--- Quote ---I really do think she's like many of us here... looking for that explanation that makes it OK to be her... and to marshall the rest of her skills, talents, energy to deal with boring stuff like rent, food, gas, electric.
--- End quote ---

Truly, she is. We're all in the same human boat. And her process of de-enmeshing, individuating better, setting boundaries -- I am utterly on board.

The crisis now isn't my wanting to cling, it's that she's really ill. I've been educating myself on bipolar and if (I don't know!) this is a true bipolar crisis--it's not about maturation or processes or "learning" or identity processing...it's about her possibly being in an acute situation because she is unwell. She's down to $300 and has no income, and no plan, and an angry landlord who may be about to evict her. (She's meeting with him now.) I couldn't reach her last night. Wrote my T, who gives good advice...he suggested I call the local emergency services, describe her situation/symptoms as best I can and see what they advise. Bottom line, they think if I haven't heard from her by tonight I should contact someone in the area to go check on her (I would first try the remote church contact I have; then I do have one phone number of her acquaintances in the area). Last resort, ask the police to check on her.

Any confrontation or intervention or "calling in the cowboys" will mean a complete challenge to and possible rupture in our relationship, so I'm thinking very cautiously and want to err on the side of NOT intervening. But, the challenge is, I must keep separate my respect for her autonomy and the actual "medicalness" of what she's going through. The only information I have is my best observations of how she's been sounding on the phone. Up, down, crashed, manic, panicked, or, now...silent. It's hard to know and I can't be a professional and assess it that way.

According to bipolar crisis info from the NAMI and similar orgs, her literally not being able to take care of her life, clean her apartment, make decisions to get unstuck--and that she really isn't being adequately treated (has a phone-in SSRI from a shrink she can no longer afford to see since she's left school, and the school T she did have she believes hasn't helped her at all)--all add up to suggesting a hospitalization (voluntary would be ideal) to get her stabilized and doing better.

I literally can't imagine how she'd respond to that suggestion, but probably with horror, fear and rage. She is just now coming around to accepting how serious the diagnosis is...I realize she's been in denial about its impact for a very long time. Probably isn't a coincidence that she decided to tell me about it a few months ago. She's asked for books and has started wanting to talk about it...but my comments must be VERY calm and limited when she brings it up.

The toughest thing to bear is that my anxiety about her spiraled, too, and one recent evening I had to tell her I really wouldn't be able to do a good job listening that evening. I am trying so hard to be calm and unreactive every time I hear from her. That is what she needs. But it triggers me too, so though I help her some, I do an uneven job of it.

Anyway...that's the update as of now.

If anybody's reading this--send her white light as she's right now in conversation with her pissed-off landlord. He happens to be a physician (an eye dr.) so my prayer is that she'll tell him more about herself, and that he'll be kind.

love,
Hops

Hopalong:
Oh for god's sake.

While I'm utterly panicking, talking to MH professionals, imagining the worst...

She had an out-of-town friend stop by (very kind friend) who helped her clean up her apartment, move furniture, and throw out tons of stuff.

So while I'm imagining her crashed and endangered, she's redecorating. Her phone was on vibrate.

She blew off her meeting with the landlord. "I don't want to think about that now."

Anyway, I'm drained. I know her next crash will come, and she still has no plan.

But she sure was cheerful (maybe manic, I don't know--).

If my hair wasn't white last week, it'd have turned.

Thanks for listening, none of it wasted...the issue is not going anywhere but she's clearly okay for today.

love,
Hops

lighter:
Whew.  Glad your daughter was having a positive day, even if you weren't, Hops.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thanks, all, Lighter and TT...

And TT, me too!

love and gratitude,

Hops

sKePTiKal:
OY VEY, Hops... !!!!

Time for you to take a time-out from the problem, probably... I'm sending you visions of a nature meditation retreat, a lonnng massage, yummy foods and a down feather bed.... and perhaps, an attentive and attractive pool boy, too. Yes, white light to D too... but with a different result in mind.

I thought I saw a feedback loop, in your Ds behavior... with one small (but vital) glitch. That mutually assured dependence, consists of someone caring for/about her - giving her that input... so that she can feel OK about herself, safe enough to give herself one thing at a time (even tho that one thing seems irrelevant to the urgency of circumstances) - like a nap. The problem or glitch comes in... that she isn't - for whatever reason - able to convert that positive input into being able to provide it to herself. Right now, I'm getting the sense that the most important thing to her is how she feels in any particular moment. And she's hoping that the good feelings last - all by themselves - and only then, will she be able to really address the basic life issues she's facing. And when they don't last, she then feels beset by the weight of the multiple of problems and they are enlarged with the lack of the positive input (at that very moment that is)... and she seeks that caring/positive input again, with all those hopes attached to the search... etc. And it's unimportant to make contact or connect - when she's already getting that positive attention...

this is only one explanation, and being at a remove from it, I can't vouch for the probability of it being accurate. But it is what was connecting with me, in your descriptions. It scared me to death - for your sake - because it's incredibly slippery to find any sure handholds on it... from the outside. Here's hoping your D can find a handle from the inside... and learn to tame this enough that she can start putting the normal, mundane stuff (to her) together, and relieve you from this level of justified anxiety about her. For you, it's like pissing in the wind... because any and everything you do has no lasting effect, to the good. She's still a long way from that problem on HER priority fix-it list.

And it appears that this is how she's relating to everyone - not just you, dear. It's not the same as co-dependence.... the origins/thought processes/etc are different... but you might be able to use techniques from there... to help a little, in this situation.

AFTER you've had a break from it.

<total aside> OH... and there's a fix for white hair! LOL... mine looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket or was literally scared to death; looks really odd with youthful freckles... so I'm thinkin' it might be time to gradually add back in some color, subtly. The Albert Einstein or Annie Lennox look just doesn't reflect the me inside, you know? I want something warmer, more normal; more "incognito". </total aside>

Hugs...

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