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Mothering Again, con't.

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Hopalong:
PR, this is absolutely spot-on, I believe, and a pretty amazing summary. Thank you.
I'm actually going to share this with my T.


--- Quote ---I'm getting the sense that the most important thing to her is how she feels in any particular moment. And she's hoping that the good feelings last - all by themselves - and only then, will she be able to really address the basic life issues she's facing. And when they don't last, she then feels beset by the weight of the multiple of problems and they are enlarged with the lack of the positive input (at that very moment that is)... and she seeks that caring/positive input again, with all those hopes attached to the search... etc. And it's unimportant to make contact or connect - when she's already getting that positive attention...
--- End quote ---

As to hair...my hair is better known than I am!
It's my favorite (by genetic luck) feature. Long, wavy, fairly thick, pure white.
(Little kids now and then ask, can I touch it?) Men like it, women like it.
And it also suits my general message to the culture, which is...unprintable.... :lol:

love, and thanks again for the real insight about my D...

Hops
I wouldn't color it again.

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops - about the hair. Mine isn't quite as luxurious and for some reason, it's "technicolor" in the back - much of the original hue is hanging on in that section - so it kinda looks as if I experimented; it didn't go well; and I made no effort to "fix" it. I'm still on the fence, for a lot of reasons; not least is that fussing so much over how I look still seems so danged irrelevant compared to the bigger needs of life.

I wish I could've put the words together faster about the pattern I saw. I hope, for your sake, that I'm wrong too! My mom is still clearly "like that"; I learned it was perfectly normal and the "right way" to be (despite how much it felt wrong to me; it just didn't fit me); and my Ds will occasionally slip into that subtle undertow. I've worked my way out of that mindset - to my immense relief - even tho I still carry the mental habits and scars of the effects; I've worked with my Ds to see that there are alternatives... and learn how to make those changes on their own... but with my mom, it's something deeper... something more than simply a maladaption to life or a habit, strategy of being that could be changed with enough help and desire.

There's a huge difference between adopting an ill-fitting "way of being" to adjust to temporary life circumstances, to survive... and someone who's bio make up & development experiences create a situation that they can't begin to address without outside assistance. I couldn't begin to know where your D falls in that range - but I'm hoping that it's toward the side, where an AHA moment will start opening the doors for her, to better coping skils and real change.

It's pure torture for moms to watch the forever little ones go through this, I know. It's just as bad as the days/nights of a colicky infant who simply can't be rocked to sleep for more than 5 minutes at a time... and not knowing the exact magic mom thing to do, to make it "all better". Just because we're not able to find that "all better" every single time, doesn't make us bad moms; we're trying! It's almost as if the infant won't accept that; won't really HEAR us (maybe can't coz they're crying so hard?)... and open up to the added resources & comfort... and finally rest. So, both mom & infant get worked up into a spiraling tizzy all the way to exhaustion.

To me, that's a feedback loop - and it's not one of my favorite ones. These aren't nearly as strong, powerful, or all-encompassing as they look. It does take time however, to find just the right place to disrupt the process without causing even more distress. And that's only one way to look at it... what I like about this way of looking at it, is that it lowers the emotional intensity a lot... avoids the blame cycle... and points out where things aren't "hopeless".... it almost suggests the places that could interrupt the spiralling out of control repetition. You might be able to be aware of and take advantage of those points; your D probably not so much until you've practiced together, with you leading the way. Maybe.

Here's HOPING!

Hopalong:
One revelatory thing for me, too, is that it really doesn't matter what word salad -- up to and including any letter of the alphabet -- can be applied, or temporarily applied, or permanently applied, to my D --

Feeling her jeopardy crystallizes my love for her, and makes it simpler.

I love her with all my heart. I always will.
But that doesn't preclude the requirement to develop healthier responses, as best I can.

The enabling and codependency and learning all I can about healthy responses parts are my homework...and I have a feeling I'll get better at those with time.

Last few days I've been socializing and enjoying my own life.
Hadn't realized how enormously weary I was, the "just fun" things have been a lift.

Went to see "Parade" -- very heavy musical -- with a gaggle from church last night, enjoyed it.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Excellent, Hops!

So glad you found relief and re-creation! I've come to look for those "time-outs" as welcome things; not the "jeez, do I have to"s of years gone by... precisely because they remind me that there is more to life than just one topic! Amazingly, those moments seem to help find solutions to those problems... in undefinable ways, too. I think those of us with a hint of obsessiveness, need to be dragged away from our focus on a problem... to find perspective. (speaking for myself, anyway!) We get so close to the details - all we're seeing is trees and not forest.

One last thought on your D... you know how we own our respective stories? have shifted from living the scripts daily to it being a more thankfully "historical" part of our lives? I think our Ds are still in the first stage of this - they're still living the drama and it's still surprising and threatening and unintelligible much of the time. It is a sigh of relief, all the way down to my toes, when my Ds show signs of moving through this stage - and on to the next... and they're doing it "all by themselves" sans mom's input. It relieves me of the decision to dive right into... what I feel I've just finally crawled out of. (and I would "go back in" in a heartbeat if there was no other choice... sigh.)

sKePTiKal:
Hey Hops!

have things smoothed out re: your D's situation? It's been a while since the last "update" and I was wondering how she was doing and how you're holding up.

(((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))

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