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Mothering Again, con't.

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lighter:
Hops:

There will be sweet and sour in giving up "things" for your daughter.

Less to weigh her down, worry about and tend.

Sometimes feeling lighter has it's own rewards.

Maybe having the things she cherishes most, uncluttered and close at hand, will make it easier for her to focus?

Not sure, but..... I found a good deal of peace in paring down my own belongings in recent years.

About your losing it at the storage facility...... a bait and switch is alarming on your best day.

On that day, it was another traumatic crisis on top of crisis.

The managers certainly aren't asking for compliments when they offer one thing, then pull the rug out from under customers.

Did transferring your agression help you feel any better?

I certainly hope it did.

(((Hops))) 
Lighter

Izzy_*now*:
Dear Hops,

I am so sorry to hear about D.'s condition. It is heartbreaking. Is there Medication for bi-polar?

And she is coming to love with you again? Her deterioration sounds terrible!

Wishing all good things for both of you.

Lovve
Skits.

Hopalong:
Yes...there's Rx. But according to the books we're both reading, it's often a very long slog to get it adjusted for the individual. Some need just SSRIs, some also need mood stablilizers, but it's often a whole lot of trying different combos and doses to get it right. Can take several years to get it working right. The biggest need is a very skilled and consistent treatment plan with MDs (and a therapist) who really understand bipolar, which ain't easy. Much less with no money to pay for it. I've gotten her the info on local resources for mental health support in her college town, including some free support groups, etc., and unfortunately she'll have to make do with whatever health care she can cobble together. Some do have sliding scale. I've encouraged her to tap the church pastoral care folks, go to support groups, do everything she can to put together a whole "village" of support for getting herself stable. Anyone with bipolar really needs a team, to get their lives working again. (And sometimes I comfort myself by reading those ubiquitous lists of very successful or accomplished people who have the same diagnosis...she's not doomed, it's just her own particular challenge to deal with. Tough one, but not impossible. She's smart, and is absorbing info about BP.)

Her lifestyle--drastic risks and moving all the time and unemployment and having no insurance--some of which are results of bipolar itself--are just as big risks to her mental health as not having the proper Rx cocktail yet. She may have ADD too (that's common). She really needs (and has begun to UNDERSTAND she needs, which is really good) a more structured, simpler and stable life. Glam-dreams and fast paced socializing in Miami were feeding the unstable part of her. I'm hoping time in her old college town, which is less fast paced and full of kind folks she's known a lot longer...will help. I hope. Depends how much "walking on the wild side" she's ready to give up for now. According to the books, that's a common BP syndrome.

She's called several times from the road and seems to be coping okay. I'm sure now she'll make it. I think the crash will come after the funeral's over and her brothers are gone their separate ways again. For right now, though, she sounds okay. Big whew, and one day at a time. I borrowed clothes for her from a friend her size for the funeral, she's just hauling laundry...got her new underwear, etc. She'll get through all of that and then, I just don't know. I go back to work Monday and will be pretty consumed with that...high pitched time at my job these days.

The plan is NOT to have her live with me again. Just stay a week or so to rest. She's beyond exhausted. Sounds wicked but I'm relieved that she's leaving her beloved cat with a friend in her college town...because I know that she will be "pulled" to get back to him. And I don't think either of us would cope well with her remaining here...and that understanding is clear between us. I'm trying to sell the house--and after the misery of her previous year here, we both know it's not a good idea except for visits. I don't think "couch surfing" with her friends is going to be particularly good for her condition either, except in one way -- she'll get sick of it, and that should motivate her to find employment so she can afford to move somewhere where she can stay a while. She's decided (healthfully, and I'm glad of it) that she no longer wants to live alone. So she'll be looking for a housemate situation. This will be good because it's cheaper, and also because I don't think she wants to sign a lease right now. As long as she picks a stable and good person to live with--have no idea. Neither does she right now. (Having at the last moment avoided actual eviction, she still has good rental references--but she's finally recognizing that she can't afford to live in her own separate place either financially OR emotionally).

She has ideas of returning to Miami by end of year to move in with 2 girls she knows. Nice enough but I think kind of party animals, and that's not best for her either. But she is in charge of those decisions, not me... I think she realizes (faintly) how unlikely it is that she'll have the money or a job lined up by then. She does know even if she goes back down there that first she'll have to earn enough money for a flight and a UHaul. I can't subsidize it any more (though I'm paying the storage unit and her cell phone). Or, if she winds up getting a job in a whole new location, she'll still have to make the Miami trip to fetch those boxes of books etc. that we stored.

Hi Lighter--being aggressive to the indifferent storage employees didn't really help. As I left one said she was sorry and I said I didn't hold anyone individually at fault. What was sort of good was that as I was crying, my D came to sit by me and I said "sobbed"--I don't like being put in the position of forcing you to leave behind even more (since I couldn't afford the larger unit) because you're already having to give up so much. And I think she could see that was heartfelt love, me grieving for her ordeal, because afterward she put her arms around me and just wanted to hold me for a while.

Thank you, PR and TT -- for the love and prayers and good energy. Maybe you're why she sounds like she's doing well on the road right now!

much love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, Hops... we can keep up the light-sending. It sounds like this is going to be a bit a long haul - and I don't mean just the drive from FL. That said, you sure sound good about it - keeping the positives in front of you right alongside the real ????s and unknowns too. You're absolutely right - in the long run - she may very well stabilize and function just fine, learning along the way what works to keep her that way. Like the rest of us "beginners"... she'll make mistakes too and that's when she'll need you to push her toward realizing what she learned and that it's OK she made a mistake, and it's time to try again.

Going to FL, from this mom's point of view... is gonna be a stretch for her, especially if she wants to tackle her BP, get a job, find a place to live, etc. THERE. I think I'd help her keep that wish alive, though... allowing her to keep it, but also keep my fingers crossed (and casually, nonchalantly) point out all the advantages, fun, security, connections of being in the general vicinity of her old friends and yourself. Just so she doesn't discount being there and over-expect some glorious heaven, back in FL.

You're a good mama, you know that? I sure hope your D knows it!  ;)

Hopalong:
Thanks PR...you really touched me by calling me a good mother.

I will do my best to influence in honest ways, if asked...but one new thing I've learned is I don't get to "push" or "allow" anything.  :P

Just have to stay in charge of my own limits.

My T offered me a great image that's both funny and really helpful -- when I've run various "how do I say this to her?" scenarios past him, he says when I talk to her I should keep the goal simple:

Sound like Mr. Rogers.

Funny but in a way he was exactly right...that's all she can take in from me at this point.

xo
Hops

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