Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
Hopalong:
No worries, PR! Head in sunshine!
I just notice (not meaning to blast you) how many people suggest I "do" or "acquire" or "achieve" things re. D that essentially add up to taking charge of her in a way this momma just can't do with a 31 y/o as stubborn as she is strong (and weak). If that makes any sense.
It's been a high-wire act to get her as much help/info as I've done so far, and those were received because she really asked for them. IOW, books, money,lnks to resources where she's going to wind up, in-person support for the move. In terms of actual medical involvement, though, which a new evaluation/2nd-opinion workup would be, that is an adulthood/privacy thing. If she became so far gone that she were needing medical care against her will, I'd take those steps. Short of that, though, she is still a free adult.
I've noticed she's pretty quiet and calm in the last couple days, seems deeply tired but peaceably resting. From the shambles of her old apt. to the calm and relative order here...I hope it helps her. Soon, missing the kitty will overpower the yearning to rest and she'll be off again. For now, though, I'm glad she's sheltered here.
(That may change at any moment if her mood turns!)
Thanks for listening, and for thinking.
I'm off for more Mr. Rogers coaching from T this morning. :)
love,
Hops
Hopalong:
Hi everyone,
Been hard to mention this. This month marks 3 years since my D has spoken to me. Has broken my heart, and I'm still trying to recover, find my own health. I did decide that despite her rejection, I should aim for happiness (or as much as I can).
But I am a changed human being by this loss.
One other thing, apart from your generous hearts and amazing minds, helped: Dr. Joshua Coleman, his book When Parents Hurt and his webinars--I took one series, and corresponded with him some. We even talked about co-authoring a book about this "silent epidemic" but I'm not sure I could bear it. I sent him a poem I wrote and he published it in his newsletter to that community (parents rejected by adult children).
love,
Hops
sea storm:
Dearest Hops,
I read this whole thread of yours. I gasped at the pain of what you have been going through and it is so difficult and no black and white solutions. One thing I have learned is that being lost in empathy doesn't help. My sister has bipolar disorder complete with psychosis and many of the behaviours that you describe. Right now she is relatively stable as far as I know. I talk to her everyday nearly.
Because she is dead set against medication of any kind i am left holding the bag. She has NO idea the impact of her illness has on either her son or me. She continues to be in denial or to seek out professional help because professionals are all disappointing and inept. She doesn't have a diagnosis either. She believes that friends can help her through the downs and the rages with love. Except the friends have been used and hurt too much and there is no one left. Since she has alienated them she needs to lash out at someone and that has been me. I tried to be sister Theresa and it was not helpful for her or me.
She lives in the kind of jumble jungle you describe your daughter living in. Ankle deep in dust bunnies, newspapers, old flowers etc. She can't initiate a clean up as this is part of her illness.On the other hand she does work from home and mobilizes for that. She is able to be nice to our rich nasty aunt who has helped her financially big time. What I am saying is that she has learned some behaviours such as helplessness. She has learned that it is ok to vent her anger with some people who love her. She believes that she is entitled to her anger. There things are not part of the illness. It is just bad behaviour.
I know about listening on the phone for hours. Listening until the bone marrow is sucked out of your bones. And I HAVE to agree or she will go ballistic. Everything that happens to her is someone else's fault. She has no insight into how difficult, demanding and angry she is. Ok. So I was just fed up with her denial about medication. We are in our sixties and she is still making excuses. i know she loves the highs and does not want to trade them for anything. Anyway I knew she was going delusional and had a crush on a famous composer and was insinuating herself into his life and I thought oh no not again. Imagining internet intrigues and romance. She was reading the riot act to her friends and then emailing them incessantly about how cruel and useless they are for rejecting her. ehe started to do this to me and I said no more. I blocked her. I said I couldn't stand it anymore. Just simple. I can't take it. Go ahead and take care of your illness any way you want but leave me out of it.
I thought she might jump off a bridge or something worse. But I am too tired to care anymore. She is in denial. Until she gets treatment I can't be there for her. For HER sake as well as mine. I am part of the pattern of denial. I think she milks this too. Who wouldn't. Anyone in denial has to have hostages.
I am telling you this because your daughter is torturing you. Torture by not getting medical help. I have read about Manic depression until I am blue in the face. Yes, it can take time to find the perfect dose. However, that sounds fishy to me. I take medication for depression and there is some tweaking. That is different than not taking medication. Having a doctor give out meds is not so great an idea. I wonder if she takes the SSRI s.
It is a lot like loving an alcoholic who keeps drinking. Even if they stop they are still disordered in their thinking and need intensive intervention. No one can make an alcoholic stop drinking and many have gone insane trying. No one can make someone with Bipolar admit they have a problem. All the planning, organization, prioritizing, networking etc that you are doing for her is not making her stronger or helping even though you have to do it to save your own life. Your daughter's illness is killing you faster than it is killing her. I feel like a rat saying this but this is what I have learned.
My mother loved my sister and stood by her through several psychotic episodes: going to stay for weeks to look afer sister's son and trying with everything she has to help. Part of my sister's illness is the belief that my mother was a MONSTER. I have since learned that women who are manic often have this passionate hatred for their mothers. God that hurt my mom. I saw it happen where my mom would try to make it work and one tiny piece was out of place and my sister would go on for HOURS about how evil my mom was. I hope you are not the recipient of this kind of poison. Now I know that NO ONE deserves this. It is not like the PEOPle of the LIE. You know,where some parents are undermining their child to the point of driving them mad or wanting to kill themselves.
If you have a mentally ill child that is what is going on. It is DISORDERED thinking and they can't be un disordered unless they have medication. All else is for naught.
My concern is for you, Hops. This is way too demanding of you and no one can take this much. Something isn't right about this. And that something is denial. \
I think too much of you not to be honest with you. I am so happy that you took some time to take care of yourself.
Lot and lots of light and love to you dear Hops.
Sea storm
sea storm:
Dearest Hops,
You have shared you experience of being banished by your daughter and said that it was like being rent in two and how unbearably painful it was and still is. Listening to the lengths you go to to understand and deeply care for your daughter, I have rarely heard a more of a more committed and loving parent. It seems such a cruel twist of fate that you have a daughter who is determined to scorn you. Walking over shards of broken glass is not enough to assuage her contempt. This has taken years off your life I am sure.
This is not your fault. You are a very good mother. You can't fix this one unless she wants help. So far she will bite your hand down to the bone if you try to help too much. Maybe you can't do it. Maybe it can't be done. She still thinks she can join her friends in Miami and have a great life. This is really reaching ....... She makes decisions on what is best for her cat. Try to stand back a little while you put more energy into yourself. This is all very amped up, frantic and desperate. She needs professional help. There is just no way around that. If she won't go, you will end up getting sucked down the bunny hole trying to do patch up on a very leaky ship that has left the dock. She has a right to be free. Free to make decisions and have the consequences. You are afraid she will kill herself but something tells me that she is very good at mobilizing the kind of help she wants.
Mr Rogers: " Get help, sometimes we need experts"
Keep writing please. I think you need support for this hell you are going through
Lots of love,
Sea storm
Hopalong:
Sea, thank you so much. You are right on all counts and it's affirming to read.
I must apologize to you, though, for doing something so confusing as reviving this thread from 2011.
So much of the acute crisis that I described earlier in this thread is long over.
The current status is that she now lives in NC, she hasn't spoken to me for three years.
As far as I understand (a few crumbs of info shared by her stepmom, until my D walled her off too)--
she has some medication, and some treatment. As far as we can tell she's living in an old friend's
basement. She is, or has been for a very long time, unemployed, and was on food stamps.
She is obsessed with a violent sport and tweets about being it's "biggest fan" and has gotten
a few hundred people to follow her on Twitter. (It's such a clear and heartbreaking reference
to missing her dead father, who loved wrestling/boxing, etc--but this sport is way worse.) But
that's one place she's getting attention.
In her real day to day life, I think she's managing to just...not drown. But I can't say she's
not taking medication or seeing a counselor. Far as I know, she DOES want help and did
seek it. No way to know how effective or consistent it is--but I can't conclude anything,
since she's been completely no-contact with me for three years.
I'm so sorry for the confusion but I soaked up your support anyway, which is very healing.
My poem was about my grief over her estrangement. I had another big wave of it last
week and it took me a while to recognize the anniversary reaction. It was June, three
years ago, that she last communicated with me.
Love and thanks,
Hops
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