Mothering Again, con't.

[Hopalong]

Held my first Covenant Group (of this church year) tonight and it really soothed my soul. Or heart, whatev.

I think because pandemic time has squeezed people so hard, kind of down to their truest truths, all six women were open, deeply authentic, and shared really meaningful stuff about themselves. It was lovely. And surprising.

I found myself sharing my D story (brief, truthful, neither sugarcoated nor dramatic) as part of the Who Am I? section. And yet I still laughed, felt love and connection and nothing other than present to each of them. For me, this was a New Moment.

It was so good to be real, unafraid, and open. Even on Zoom! It showed me that D story or not, I am still so healed compared to where I once was, and life still brings me joy, and new people to love will appear as long as I breathe.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I don't know if it's Covid or healing or practice and comfort sensing the sharp and tender internal spaces, but I'm glad you're connecting deeply with your Covenant Group. 

The beach has always been a healing place to spend time for me, Hops. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Opened a stray email...I still get the newsletter from Dr. Jonathan Coleman (the estrangement specialist, among other things) and liked this that he just sent:

"They Should Be Apologizing - to Me!"

I get it.
In a fair world they would.
They would see that all of the hard work raising them, sacrificing for them, helping them, worrying about them and supporting them would mean more than it apparently does.
 
At least it would mean enough for them to apologize for all of the ways that this estrangement has broken your heart, caused you to unfairly question your value as a parent, let alone as a person.
 
How it has made it harder for you to focus on all of the other things in your life that need your focus - deserve your focus.

They should apologize to you for the estrangement resulting in the need for you to visit therapists, attend webinars, read books, go [online] to desperately try to find a solution when all of this could be ended with a simple phone call or two, a visit, or a few therapy sessions.

But, it's not fair and it may never be.
 
That's your mistake.
 
Thinking that it should be fair.

[lighter]

Wowsers, Hops.

So true.  The words
"fair and just...."
they're only words.

Adjusting expectations and releasing outcome is so difficult, but a tremendous relief.  At least when I manage them, on and off.  Just practicing.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Condensed version:

After 11 years (10? 12? stopped keeping track) I heard from my D. She has lost her 2 front teeth and is desperate enough to deal with it. Has no money, so she created a new GoFundMe. Her update there was extremely detailed and I believe she is honest (gives evidence of everything) and I decided to pay for it. The image of her was heartrending (the gaps where her front teeth have crumbled away). She gave way TMI but included that somebody on Zoom said she looks "scary" and another said she looks "like a thug." I can imagine how crushing that's been. She's already completely altered by the steroid weight (Addison's disease). It is so very sad.

Also, she mentioned that she's living in a motel. (Got kicked out of the friend's basement thing, don't know why.) I'm assuming this is from a homeless benefit. She is looking for work, completed a program called Women to Work. Trying.

She IS desperate or would not have reached out to me. First it was getting a group email that likely went to all people who'd donated previously for medical. Next it was a copy of that sent to me and my SIL (who hasn't contacted me since the stuff with Nbro so that's another sign of desperation). Didn't reply to either. Finally got a direct email to me only: "Please help." I know it's real and my emergency fund will cover it.

Talked it over with my T and am at peace with doing it. Emailed D that I will, need the address, she replied with it. Called her dentist, sending deposit for the work tomorrow. Feel at peace and have no magical thinking, expectations or fantasies about reuniting.

But it's ironic that I replied (T's advice): Will not be able to help with future financial needs so this is a one-time thing. It's possible because of you taking me to that Dave Ramsey course years ago.

She replied immediately: So if you can help other one-times, here's my Paypal, etc. Almost made me laugh. What I said (one-time thing) sailed right by. But that's my boundary. I'm a different person than I was. Different mother. No dreams.

Complex series of feelings the last two days. But all in all, from my end, it's good.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops..... I was so worried about you in the beginning of your post. 

Then....
I was relieved for your DD's sake......
 the necessary dental work commencing.....
 I felt it, physically. 

Now....
at the end of your post.....
your grace and strength.....
hard won.....
 are apparent. 

I'm not worried about you.
I'm inspired by you, ((Hops.))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

(((Lighter))), that was beyond kind.

Thank you.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

So my D has been sending me emails. When I see her name I catch my breath and still can't quite believe it. I'm keeping my responses civil and kind but dry. A bit distant. I worry about the one-step-back that's likely on the way.

In two messages, she said kind words to me. One about the stroke and several "thank you very much" messages after I committed to pay for her  dental work.

In my first response, per T's advice I said "this will be a one-time thing, and I can't help you with future financial requests." D responded instantly with alternate ways to send her money (Paypal, etc). Then a couple pleasant emails. Then another request for money or array of my give-more menu offerings (Amazon wishlist, online fundraiser, etc).

Yesterday came one titled "Urgent Winter and Health Care Needs" and it was more shopping lists, money sending apps. She began it with "as I work to fend off potential homelessness..." etc. It hooked me in the chest and then I remembered. I have to say I'm also sad that she still seems to have no awareness of how her pattern affects me. True and piteous stories of her situation with never a single apology or acknowledgement of the years of deepest hurt on my end. What troubles me is I have felt waves of manipulation coming and that actually scares me.

To be overdramatic, I fear that the money I just gave her was like blood in the water. I'm only getting older and it's important not to be vulnerable to anyone who ignores boundaries I set, or even comes into my life to "take over" with an eye on the house. She knows I've left it to her but I hope she's not in a grifter rush.

Can't say I blame her. Her life IS precarious and she's had great misery. I just don't want to get wound up in a web of re$cue rescue rescue rescue that leaves me unable to stay connected to my arduously-reclaimed capacity for happiness.

So I reminded her: The dental was a one-time thing and I can't help further. She replied INSTANTLY well when you can help, please donate here etc, repeating the links and I just felt pressured AND guilty for not whipping out my checkbook. What I have saved is just to help me survive retirement. I gave her my whole emergency fund a month back and told her then "one time thing".

So I responded, "I ask that you not keep pitching me for more money" and so far, no response. Maybe she'll shut and lock the door again (her walkout so many years ago was the first time I said No more money; so I guess the only reason I got some kind words this time was that--I'd just given her thousands. Maybe she has a little nostalgia too, but I don't really know).

My goal for seeing T today is to work on how to stay in my own life, not get caught up with hers. I noticed that in the last week or so since hearing from her, I've gone back to major all-night insomnia, poor eating and generally ... not taking care of me.

Dunno if I'm scared, callous, rebrokenhearted, or what. I'm doing okay and do not regret paying for her dental job. I also don't expect her to be a different person than she was those years ago. But I think I was hoping. She did change a bit in that she contacted me at all and spoke civilly. Her tone in the first one was accusatory but also not rational. "I know you have my birth certificate, you took it, etc." I'd replied just "Our memories differ" and offered to get her certififed copies. She calmed down after that first one and said thank you.

Enough, Hops. I'll get past it and she will probably return to NC. I feel guilt that I'd almost welcome it.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Huh. I've got to get better at telling the difference between rational concern/fear and irrational negativity.

She didn't respond to me saying "No [more pitching me for money]" with anger or coldness. She just wrote again later repeating "thank you" to tell me she has her first procedure in the dental series today. And hinting that she's dreading it.

I wrote back I'm very glad it's happening, her restored smile will be worth it, and she will figure out what works for her to stay calm (suggested headphones).

She wrote again repeating how traumatic the whole thing has been since the accident when she was 11. I know that's true; she was traumatized by the blow itself, the veneers, but espeically having good teeth ground down to anchor the new teeth. She perseverates on "I'm upset they destroyed good teeth to build the new ones."

I can understand that because I felt exactly the same when they made me bridges to fill the gap where I had only baby teeth.

Anyhow, that felt better and more normal. I really think when she fixates and repeats again and again, that could be part of her trifecta: bipolar, Aspergers and ADHD -- just don't know which one.

Anyway, I feel better that she didn't respond to my No the way she did before.

hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

I can't imagine how many emotions and unspoken needs you keep safe behind your boundaries, Hops.  I think your boundaries will kepe you safe, even if they flex and almost break..... as long as you come back to them.... I think they'll see you through.  Believing you can hold them... I believe you can..... do you believe you can? 

  I think your strenth with boundaries is your DD's best chance to stop repeating mistakes/self sabotage, generally.  If things go back to what they were.... everyone knows where that leads, so the choice is easier if you agree to only do things that build DD up and help her get better, rather than remain mired or harmful to you and herself. 

Extending the dental care is a selfless act of loving intention disrupting DD's narrative of blaming you.  She might be grateful.  I believe she is, but the distance between you, created by her..... will have to be spanned by DD. 

It's outside your control and I hope you go back to being present with the joy in your life.  Tidying your home.  Snuggling with Pooch.
 Chats with your church family..... the ritual of writing...the warmth of your firepit and travel to visit cherished friends. 

They're always available to you, as is worry and fear. 

((((Hops))))  You're doing your best and that's all you can do.  Worrying won't help anything, but proper rest, avoiding survival mode and turning towards joy makes can make all the difference, IME.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

The most important lesson I can share, is to focus on the concrete; on what is - and don't let your imagination try to connect any dots, explain things, or try to mind-read or speculate. I think you're doing that, Hops. (None of us ever master that, btw...)

Stick with the present and don't drift into future possibilities. It will be what it will be.

Within that structure, you can probably be pretty safe in sitting with whatever feelings or intuitions you have.

[lighter]

How're you doing, Hops?

You doing OK?

[Hopalong]

Pretty well, Lighter, no small thanks to you and Amber.
What you both have said has been so bolstering.

I'm still hearing brief updates from D, one with a pic of her with the temporary teeth. She's become stunningly overweight but I think it's her response to the steroids and maybe comfort eating too. Won't get involved in any advice, natch, but I'm sad for her. Her smile looks real and complete and I could see how happy it's making her.

Overall I'm doing minimal but nice responses. Not asking questions or trying to get closer. I remain ambivalent but not angry. Just wary, and still caring. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I'm working at focusing on my own life again. The organizing is slow but steady and every little area restored to sanity lifts my spirits. Long way to go, particuarly with the paperwork, but so it is. Leaving that for last since that's where my anxiety is headquartered. Once I'm enjoying the rest of my home in serenity it'll feel less threatening to tackle paper management. It's a huge pileup. Later. Later.

Friends are good. I've distanced myself from rant-friend and am getting closer to some others. All good! Writing a good deal, and start an in-person poetry workhop in a week or so. Gave a lay "sermon" that was a joyful experience. Prolly told y'all that already.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Reading about your DD's smile makes my heart glad, Hops.

 You,
honoring yourself and holding boundaries,
 makes it soar! 

Not gonna lie.... emotions sound complicated, but you're creating new ways of being. 

There are no perfect choices and no mistakes. 

Just noticing what's there, sans judgment. 

My T would say "sitting in gentle awareness."  Yup yup yup.

  That's the most loving thing you can do for your child, ((Hops.))

Honor yourself and model self care, above all, bc you wish those things for her.

You're a good Mother, ((Hops.))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((((Lighter))))))). I know I was or always tried to be.
It's not "active mothering" now and that's what's sanest. Likely for us both.

I want to make ongoing decisions to never go back to the 24/7 anguish.
I am a different mother now.

Nature and fortune hand us random results sometimes, accepting them is the job.

hugs
Hops