Hi Dr. G:
Thank you for sharing this "passage" of your life. Like others here, it prompted memories and thoughts. I can clearly identify with the story. There were two aspects of your story which I found especially inspiring. I think it must have provided some measure of comfort (however small) that your mother was able to share (or at least infer) during her last days the kind of impact that a history of family suicide had on her life. Perhaps it added a level of understanding to you about your life...perhaps not. But it is the kind of honest conversation that rarely occurs when dealing with N parents. The second was the fact that somehow you were still able to find and maintain attachments in your life. That is huge.
I identified clearly with your story. There was suicide in my family history as well...not to mention depression My uncle committed suicide but no one spoked about it. At the time, my uncle's teen daughters blamed my dad for not doing more. Much later in llife, they had an honest conversation with my dad, who had said he tried talking to my uncle about getting help. But I'm not sure how hard he worked at it. My family, on both sides, has a history of turning the other way, keeping secrets and generally ignoring issues that are really important.
I have been suicidal in my life as well. I know in my heart that I'm capable of it. When I am sinking to that level, I try to do things to keep myself safe----like coming to this board and either sharing or lurking. There was a time I came close. I was online trying to explain how I was feeling on a forum....(not one like this). One of the online members (who was young and did not understand either suicide or depression) called the police. I found two local police at my door, which my N mom answered. The police checked my computer and asked if I was feeling suicidal. When they left, my Nmom responded with such anger at me. She screamed, "Whatever it is, just fix it!" It was all about her being humiliated by the local police visit. She, I know, would never ever have the conversation with me that yours had with you.
I, too, experience a deep sense of empathy and sensitivity.....especially for painful events or about people who are suffering. I suppose it is just who I am. It is good and bad. It makes me more compassionate....but it also tends to make me more vulnerable to situations where people take advantage of it. No one in my family, as far as I could tell, inherited this "empathy or sensitivity" gene, nor my predisposition to depression.
I see myself often, figuratively, of the situation you described of someone standing on the roof of a high-rise building contemplating jumping. I experienced that same feeling even as I read your description of the event. I understand that feeling even as I grieve it.
In the end, it is a gift to be able to pass on to others the willingness to talk openly about this deep sense of despair we feel. It is only now, after many years of struggling, that I understand this kind of despair is not felt by everyone...in fact, by relatively few people. As such, others are often incapable of understanding. For those who do, like those who come to this board, it is such a comfort to be able to share our common understanding.
Thanks for sharing your "passage".
