Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I just found out....
sKePTiKal:
Man! That's great your hair is still this color. I look like I saw a ghost back when I was 12 and have been haunted by it, ever since! LOL... my first noticeable gray started when I was 17. If it were all consistently that color, I might be able to just roll with it... but the back of my head is still mostly the original color. So it's like a punk-rock hair-color experiment that went really bad when it grew out, you know? And then there's the mom-look-alike issue... that's just mostly more of an annoyance; an irritation and since no one around me where I live now has any idea what my mom looks like... well, I guess I think it shouldn't be a big deal. Some days, it isn't.
But the other thing, is that I used to FEEL old - not caring, giving up, doing my best imitation of being depressed, powerless & helpless (la-la-la... not speculating on whether it was real or not; it was temporary; that's all that matters now) and well, self-limiting. Because, mostly, my kids were grown... or supposedly didn't need a full-time mom anymore... my job was just a substitute for needing to be needed... (tho I still miss a lot of those relationships; I enjoyed the people) and I just didn't feel as if I deserved to really enjoy or "have a life" after being mom. I was sentencing myself to a premature decline, you know? Because I looked older than my real age, for one thing. Because I didn't have any built-in boundaries about self-harm, self-sabotage... because I'd been programmed to think there was something morally and socially "wrong" about immersing myself in "my" life - and finally being able to give it my undivided attention. All those things.
So, changing the hair color for me, is like changing a name. Or getting a tattoo! :shock: It's just a symbol of an inner change. A life milestone. My D still insists that one day, she's going to give me a tattoo... whether I want one or not!! Maybe I should swap her out as my HPOA, after my hubs... she could accomplish this goal while I'm incapacitated... LOL!!!!
Izzy_*now*:
hi PR
There are about 5 different natural colours --close to black underneath, med brown otherwise with highlights of blond and red, plus my gray.
I grew it long because I was in and out of bed so much I would have been styling it all the time. Most 'older women' go for short, but I am being my eccentric self. My mother's hair was also this colour brown with a little gray, when she died at 86, but she wore the "old lady's bob". She seldom smiled so her nouth was an arc downwards on both sides, I decided to wear a smile at all times. However when she had been "arranged" she looked 40.
I still feel young, as I just never 'grew up', I expect, yet I am a responsible adult (I think.)
Skits
sKePTiKal:
Then, you'll like some of hubs' sayings (we kinda wish he'd published these a long time ago, since we keep hearing them in weird places now!) -
Just because you grow old, doesn't mean you have to "grow up".
You don't have to stop playing... just because you're older; you get "old" when you stop playing.
Which must mean, I'm ancient! LOL... right now, I'm in another "git r done" phase... my "value" based on how much I accomplish... my enjoyment coming from the fruits of my labors. But I have learned - finally - to pace myself better.
Izzy_*now*:
Ah PR! old sayings, GREAT!
I can use all mine and no one has heard them before (well lots of them, not all.)
sea storm:
Hi Skits,
I like your new name and will try to get used to the change. There is something liberating about changing one's name. Especially if the old name is associated with feeling like an unloved wreckage on the road of life.
On the other hand it seems that you are jumping on the bandwagon and defining yourself as mentally ill. If the description of Schizoid PD is ok with you and helps you navigate your life then that is nice. However, it does seem a tad judgmental. A lot of feminist therapists are suspicious of the PD label as it is usually very wounded women who get labelled this by doctors who don't have the skills or time to deal with the underlying pain and the very real issues.
I must be schizoid too.......... I like to be alone now and I read and read.
Love,
Sea storm
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