the aftermath of no contact

[fraidycat]

Hi, I haven't been here in a while its nice to be back. I am struggling right now, after years of no contact with my abusive biological family members I am having a strong urge to confront them and let them know just how much their twisted lies, slander, games and abandonment has affected me (or just tell them off!) & I really don't know why! I know it won't help them understand or change and there is no way I would let them back in my life but I think it would be a relief to get it off my chest. Any advice or experiences with this?

[SilverLining]

Hi FC.   I have the urge to tell off the FOO every so often.  I try to just let the feeling pass without getting too stuck on it.   I don't believe it would do any good to play it out in the "real world".   Conflict is another way of getting caught up in the situation and staying attached.   Indifference to the whole thing is my goal.   

It's a challenge, but I believe with practice these ghost urges from the past gradually lose their power.   

Writing these things out on paper also seems to be a help.  That seems to make it more "real" without the complications of getting into a messy conflict with abusive others.   

[BonesMS]

Writing it out on paper would be better than contacting these Narcissistic Whack-jobs!  No matter what could be said, they would NEVER hear any of it as they live in their own sick and twisted little world!

[Guest]

Ditto SL and Bones!

[lighter]

You could start an UNSENT LETTER thread, Fraidy.
lighter

[fraidycat]

Thanks everyone, I agree with everything said. I know it wouldn't get through to them because the truth doesn't matter to any of them. Sometimes I wish I could tell them off to their faces anyway for my own sense justice and resolution. I know better though! A letter might help me get it out of my system...Thank you

[sKePTiKal]

Hi 'fraidycat!

The one thing I would advise you to do, is to definitely purge those angry feelings - get it ALL out of your system, no matter how long it takes or how you choose to do it. Those are toxic-angry feelings... and like some disease... they could take down your mental/emotional "immune system". Writing is an excellent way to do this.... don't be afraid to repeat yourself in writing... what you write doesn't have to make a lick o' sense to anyone but you - say it any way it comes out... and you might be amazed at just what exact words do finally come out.

Another thing I liked, is to find a soundproofed room and bang out loud chords on a piano... make a BIG NOISE... until I was ready for some quiet.

Digging in the dirt, pulling weeds, cutting down trees (or pruning), moving rocks... anything that physically uses a lot of energy helped too - and if it helped clean or tidy up my own space - so much the better. Even "therapeutic" housework helps me get past those old angry feelings, when they come up.

[fraidycat]

Your right! I guess I didn't realize that what I was feeling was anger and a lot of resentment. Purging those feelings in private instead of slinging them back is healthier and more productive...even if they do deserve it! There are so many great quotes in the heartfelt responses here, everyone has been so helpful! Thank you all.

Fraidy

[finding peace]

Dear Kitten,

This is one of the most frustrating … banging the head against the wall …. feeling(s) … I have had that infuriated me prior to NC, and ultimately drove me to NC, and still infuriates me even though I went NC.

I WANTED/NEEDED to be heard…

Essence of voicelessness, eh?

What I wanted/needed to hear…“You are right … I was wrong to do what I did.”

It will never happen.  And if it did happen, I wouldn’t trust it anyway …

If this happened, it would only occur because they wanted something from me.

I don’t know if your situation is the same…

I never, in their mind, will be “right”  – for whatever reason in their mind, they need to be right, and in their mind, they need me to be “wrong.”

No grey areas where we might have both been wrong or right.

But, they don’t have the capacity to hear our needs … they are overwhelmed by what they need and can’t hear anything else.

Can’t fight it, all I can do is walk away.

To counter it, I take a look around at where I am in the here and now, and focus on the peace that has come from NC rather than the frustration I have had in the past at not being heard.

It isn’t always easy, but I remind myself – that was the past – I am no longer there - thank god!

Peace 

[fraidycat]

Amen, finding peace!  Everything you've said resonates. I can't change them or the past but I can move on knowing that the worst is behind me. They will never be able to do that because they are stuck in there own selfishness.

[Hopalong]

You don't sound "Fraidy" any more to me...

Kudos on your calm and your claiming your own life!

Hops

[SilverLining]

Hi FP.   Everything in your post is spot on.  I especially like this line: 

But, they don’t have the capacity to hear our needs … they are overwhelmed by what they need and can’t hear anything else.

The N's I deal with can sometimes appear to not be overwhelmed by their own needs, for a moment or two.   But it never lasts for long.    And if they seem to be attending to someone else's needs, there is always an expected payoff.   One minute of superficial attention given to someone else is paid off with an expected hour of attention to them.   Because we are so used to this kind of arrangement, it's easy to get sucked in by the minute of attention, and then drained dry by the hour we have to give them back. 

[fraidycat]

Silver that was my experience too. If they sacrifice a drop of attention or effort it needs to be replaced by a quart, you can't win. That quote and so many others  spoke to me in this thread. 

"Conflict is another way of getting caught up in the situation"...SL

"Indifference is the goal"...SL

"Ghost urges from the past gradually lose there power"...SL

"They can't hear you...narcissistic whack-jobs live in their own little sick and twisted world"...Bones (lol! I know!)

"I get the urge to tell off those who refuse to take the time out and gain understanding from both sides, they are not capable"...teartracks

"Purge those angry feelings they are toxic and could take you down"...PhoenixRising

And everything in findingpeace's post...

Just to name a few & it's not word for word but this has helped me so much.

Fraidy

[finding peace]

Yes SL and Kitty,

Thank you.

IME, it doesn’t end with a quart; in some cases if you don’t walk away, you get drained dry.  I was very close to that point when I went NC.

I have always been a fighter; I have never, ever in my life backed down from a fight.

I did so with them, it was very hard.

I don’t like to quit, and that is what it felt like. 

But in quitting I have learned that I inadvertently won.

I may not have the championship belt that everyone else sees, but I have peace.

Trying to fight with people like this is impossible.

I have won by quitting (taking myself out of their stratosphere).  Hard for me to swallow, but it is what it is.

Love to you both,
Peace

[sKePTiKal]

FP:

the martial arts masters all make sure their students learn the most important technique (I'll paraphrase):

know when to run like hell because you can't win or don't even get in that situation

LOL...