Guess I'm going to have to give up . . . going NC . . . I think

[Redhead Erin]

It seems like such a small thing, really. 

The last straw was today, I went to drop off my son to spend a few hours with Madame Puppet Master (N-mother) and then my husband was supposed to pick up kiddo and take her grocery shopping.  It was arranged a couple weeks ago because she no longer drives and needs help getting to the store. 

(I should mention that this was arranged during a different visit, which was spurred by another one of her fake "emergencies".)

But when I got there, it wasn't good enough (yeah big surprise) that Ted was going to take her shopping, it had to be ME, because she had plans with friends and it might be too late if she waited for Ted.

The fact that I had plans meant nothing to her.

So, patsy that I am, I took her.  Of course there was bribe money involved.

This made me late for work.  Being late for work meant I had ato stay later to make up the lost time.  Being late meant I missed the rush and missed out on money.

Staying late made me late for hockey lessons.  Being late for hockey and the attendant irritation caused me to lace up my skates too tight and put myself in intense pain. Of course I got nothing out of the half lesson I did get to. 

Not to mention what I did to my diet today.

And that was the last straw.

I am done being yanked around like a puppet.  I thought I could continue to be a good daughter, keeping myself safely insulated from her psychotic nature, indefinitely.  I can't.  Her incredible self-involvement seeps out of  her and ruins everything it touches. 


I can't take being around her.  Every time I see her, I find myself eating my heart out-literally.  I have lots of food issues. I need to get tpat tehm, and I cant do it, as long as she is in my life. 

Being around her makes me feel selfish and unworthy for wanting the simplest things--like time to exercise or be alone with my family. 

After I come from her house, I always feel somewhat self-destructive.  I have incredible urges to hurt myself in some bizarre, subtle way.  For example, I have urges to eat or drink to excess (Very self destructive, especially considering my hitory of food and weight, and the fact taht I am a model and dancer, my income and marketability depending on my appearance). After I leave her house, I feel I do not deserve time for myself, for simple things like exercise or reading for pleasure or working on my website. When I am in her house, I do nothing but eat, the whole time I am there.  Then I feel guilty and stupid and fat, and want to punish my fat self for eating.  Then I dont feel like I deserve food.

So I'm done.  I don't need my one or two days a week with my husband sabotaged by her constant demands to be entertained. I don't need to interrupt my son's home-school schedule for fake emergencies.  There was a small amount of money involved, but you know what? I'd rather take a couple more days a month at work and earn the money the easy way than have to put up with her any longer.

I feel like a truly horrible person.  I accepted her money and gifts for a long time, trying to stick it out and have some kind of relationship with her. I can't keep doing it, though.  I should do it, for the financial gain of my family. I should be able to make it work. 

But....I can't.  I have tired, and tried, and tried.  every time I try to be nice, she takes advantage.  Nothing we ever do is ever enough.  She always wants more.  I have been late to work so many times because of her, and I even lost one pretty good job from being always so late.  When we go over to her house, she never wants us to leave. then she whines about how she worries about me driving home so late.  (Well, jeeze, if I had left 2 hours ago like I wanted to. . . ) If she wants to see me, she is relentless. If I tell her no, I don't want to go out to dinner, she comes up with a fake medical emergency. If I show up fo rthat, suddenly she feels better and wants to go out for dinner! 

We have known for some time that this is what is happening, but we have just put up with it.  We have tried setting limits and boundaries, devsiing plans and strategies, and nothing works.  It always ends up the same way.  My day gets ruined (and sometimes the next 2 or 3 days in the aftermath), my family suffers, and I end up feeling miserable and hurting myself.

I'm so done.

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hear ya!!!!!  And you're NOT alone!

Bones

[fraidycat]

I'm so happy for you! She is really playing you Erin, my nmom used to try keep me dependent on her too then I realized she was just holding my head under water. You can do so much more for yourself without her restrictions than she has ever done for you. Good luck and DON'T back down!

[Redhead Erin]

Much to my sorrow, I am backing down.  I'm not greedy, just broke, and the cash I get from her (bribe money I guess) improves my family's standard of living a little.  Most notably, she pays my son's college fund.  ANd, since I have no savings any more (5 years of economic "downturn" or whatever you want to call it have wiped me out) se really is my emergency fund.  She likes to throw money around, I and I admit to taking advantage of this. It may be unethical, but it beats driving a car with no brakes or telling my kid he should get good grades because a full schollarship is his only hope of a decent education.

Hopefully, things will turn around soon.  I am working on capturing an elusive HAMP-ster (Home Affordabe Mortgage Program loan restructuring) but until that happens, I really shouldn't go on with no safety net at all.  In the meantime, I will just have to hold on.

I'm glad I have you guys. 

[BonesMS]

Much to my sorrow, I am backing down.  I'm not greedy, just broke, and the cash I get from her (bribe money I guess) improves my family's standard of living a little.  Most notably, she pays my son's college fund.  ANd, since I have no savings any more (5 years of economic "downturn" or whatever you want to call it have wiped me out) se really is my emergency fund.  She likes to throw money around, I and I admit to taking advantage of this. It may be unethical, but it beats driving a car with no brakes or telling my kid he should get good grades because a full schollarship is his only hope of a decent education.

Hopefully, things will turn around soon.  I am working on capturing an elusive HAMP-ster (Home Affordabe Mortgage Program loan restructuring) but until that happens, I really shouldn't go on with no safety net at all.  In the meantime, I will just have to hold on.

I'm glad I have you guys. 

Morning, Erin.

I understand where you are coming from.  At the same time, I will ask a difficult question....what if the NQueen #$%^ dies tomorrow and her money suddenly stops?  Do you have a game plan for that eventuality?  Just a thought or two.

Bones

[Redhead Erin]

The best thing that could happen is that she would die tomorrow.  Then I would have her house and her trust fund. I would be able to afford therapy for any residual guilt issues.

In this case, the golden eggs really are inside the goose.  I wish I could get to them sooner.

[sKePTiKal]

uhhhh... you're absolutely SURE about that?

N's are famous for changing wills and trusts for almost no reason and not breathing a word to anyone. I'm just saying, I wouldn't be counting on it... I'd still be busting my butt to be free and clear of what makes me crazy... and to claim what I know without a doubt, was mine. All by myself, without outside help.

I really needed that "exercise" for ME and then later, when the unexpected windfall hit... I was to keep my head about me a lot better. (It was still a lot of work, let me tell you!! Even when you have "people" to take care of a lot of the details for you...)

[Redhead Erin]

Im not really sure about anything.  I know she isn't the Mrs.- Got-Rocks she pretends to be, but I think she is functioning under the delusion that I am still the loving daughter she wants me to be.   As far as I can tell, that delusion includes keeping me in her will. 

I will get an answer about my mortgage restructuring the first week in November.  If the answer is what it should be ( a new payment of about $500 less per month) I will be able to walk away from her.  If not, I will have to hire a layer and start all over again.  As long as I am saddled with this mess, it helps to have her on my side.

[Nonameanymore]

Hi again Erin,

I felt that way about NM and money too although she made sure that whatever I did get before I went NC, I had to repay with my blood (long story and irrelevant). I understand that her money is tied to your way of living and your son's future but maybe you can and I am sure will,l find a way not to depend on her in the future so you can go NC.
Two years ago and while we were on year 14th of being NC, 'somehow' she found out I was back in Greece and broke and notified me that she deposited 5000 euros in my account. I didn't take the money because I would have been signing a life sentence (this doesn't mean that this is what you should do) but somehow as time passed, I found out that there were ways I can live without needing her money. I am sure you do need the money but maybe it's because she convinced you that you cannot survive without her money? Through gaslighting? Manipulation?

Hope it all goes well
Rania

[Redhead Erin]

Nope.  Just basic math.  We are in a horrible situation with our mortgage (partially but not entirely our fault) and there just is not enough cash to go around.  There is a program now that is supposed to  help homeowners change the terms of their mortgage so that the payments are more manageable.  I know I qualify for this, and the payments are supposed to be $500-$600 less a month than we are paying now.  So I am just holding on until that comes through.

In the meantime, I am gathering my strength and getting ready to call it quits and NC, or at least LC.  I went NC once before, for about 3 years, but it was easier b/c I was living in Germany at the time.