Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Setting boundaries
Redhead Erin:
I have to make up some boundaries for dealing with her. I will probably change them, but I need to start somewhere.
First, I wnat to get in the right frame of mind with one of my favorite poems:
--- Quote ---Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by:Portia Nelson I
I
I walk down the street.
There is deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost … I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
--- End quote ---
Ok, I'm ready. In this case, the hole I keep falling in is having my life disrupted by her stupid attention-grabbing tactics. This is the first draft at LC which may eventually evolve into NC, depending.
Erin's rules for engagement:
1. I need at least a few days notice when making plans.
2. I need at least 24 hours notice when changing plans.
3. Plans with NM will not interfere with work or scheduled family time.
4. Plans will always involve agreed-upon financial compensation before I agree to them.
5. I will agree to NOTHING without first hanging up the phone and thinking carefully about it. I will consider the financial cost, intrusions into my work, family, or rest time, and as many other factors as I can think of before calling back, at me own leisure, with my decision.
6. Her emergencies are not my emergencies.
7. I reserve the right to cancel plans if she tries to change the rules at the last minute.
8. Visits will have a definite and pre-planned end time that will allow me to get wherever I need to go next (even home to bed) without rushing. I must remember to receive my compensation well before this time, and compose myself to leave at the time designated.
9. I will not lie to her or anyone. This means I will not have to tell her I love her.
BonesMS:
Sounds like a good plan to me!
If I may share one of my favorites: "Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on my part."
Bones
sKePTiKal:
"Rules of Engagement"! LOL... I get it.
ALL of these are good, reasonable expectations... and clearly define that separation boundary. I think maybe #5 might be the most valuable, tho. It was for me and one of the best results of practicing this, was that I taught myself to get out of the anger/outrage loop... (or at least, closer to getting out!!) You called her a puppet-master, I think, in your first post... well our "strings" turn out to our emotional equilibrium, I think. And for you - also precious time & energy that could be directed to other things that probably need some looking after and mothering... wife-ing... and being YOU.
It's kinda fun to watch the bewilderment on Nmom's face, when I don't react the way she's programmed me to react... when I'm not all upset and topsy-turvy and ready to chew nails in reaction to her. Even better! Propose an easy, rational solution... and watch how fast she changes the subject. For whatever reason, the contact she's always initiated is less frequent than ever. It would be egotistical, for me to think I finally "housebroke" her to my rules... but it's tempting! In reality, what has happened is that she's found someone else who has buttons that can be easily pushed - it's like an outlaw in a western, shooting bullets at someone's feet demanding "dance! Dance, fool, dance!" She only turns back to me, with the same warped need from a "relationship", when that person isn't readily available. I don't know what to call this... I just know it's a sick way to be.
I'm babbling, sorry! Look, I think you found a workable and suitable plan for yourself by talking it out. It's a great "recipe" that would work and could be customized, for quite a few of us. Keep us posted on how things get implemented - put into practice - your successes and the funny things that happen. There will be humor in practicing those rules of yours... tho' it may sometimes be pretty snarky humor.
Redhead Erin:
Well, she called today and I forgot to hang up before agreeing to anything. But She wants to go shopping again like before. So I told her it was inexcusable that she had changed all the plans at the last minute because her friends called. I told her I would need at least a few days notice before planning anything and a days notice before changing anything. I dodnt agree to much except that she would get to go shopping. But that is not enough--now she wants me to go out to breakfast with her! How freaking early does she think I can get up?? ANd even stranger, I have told her repeatedly that it takes 90 minutes to get to her house, but she for some reason thinks iI leave 45 minutes early, I can swing by her house on the way to work and go out for a meal. Thinking about this, I see why were were always late to stuff when I was a kid! SHe seems to have no concept of or regared for the way time works. OK. Enough for now. Sheesh! I have to go get ready to start my day. See ya!
ann3:
Hi Erin,
I see you're in the process of extricating yourself from the needy, demanding grip of an NM. Congratulations! Your freedom has already begun!!
I like the poem & I like your rules.
May I suggest a book on boundaries that really helped me? "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine.
Please prepare yourself for your NM's backlash when you begin enforcing your boundaries. Ns hate when others enforce boundaries. Please try to resist succumbing to your NM's possible (probable) attempts to re-control you thru her use of inflicting guilt & shame on you. Hopefully guilt & shame will no longer cause you to act like her puppet.
When dealing with needy & demanding Ns, I like to feel, to envision that I am releasing myself from their grip & I am releasing them to Gd: Let go & let Gd. I didn't make this person into an N, I can't change them, so I release them to Gd & I free myself. The N has a Higher Power & we ain't it! So, Let go & let Gd.
Also, making yourself unavailable to the N (including an NM) really works. Tell the N you're not available because: You're away on a vacation, busy at work etc. Caller id is essential: do not answer when they call & if you must, call back in a few days. Whenever possible, use email instead of the phone because email is more detaching. When on the phone w/ the N, limit the time of the call to 3 or 5 minutes. Remember: you're very busy & don't have time for the N. Also, try to limit your face to face interaction with NM.
In the big picture, I'm talking about limited contact, which I believe you previously mentioned.
Anyway, these things worked for me, hope they'll work for you.
Edit:
Erin, I see your NM is financially helping you due to the bad economy. Accepting $ from NMs may slow down your ability to fully enforce your boundaries. Maybe you could get a part time job else where or is there another way to earn $? Ns love to control others via $. But, even if NM is helping you, you still deserve to be treated w/ respect.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version