Author Topic: Setting boundaries  (Read 8568 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2011, 08:34:06 AM »
I think anybody, including me, would benefit from reading this...

That said, finding 2-D GROUP CLASSES or a WORKSHOP in the techniques is life changing...

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9778&cn=353

xo
Hops
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Redhead Erin

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #16 on: November 10, 2011, 07:45:20 PM »
Do you know, I have not heard from her all week.  See, she really has no use for me if I am off duty from my part-time job as her taxi driver. It's nice to know I cna do lessons with my kid tomorrow, go to work, and go to the gym, without worrying about who needs groceries or what is going to happen next. 

As a side note, my last eating binge subsided about a day after I last saw her, and things have been smooth ever since (except for all that halloween candy lying around, just calling my name.)

Hopalong

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2011, 08:16:02 AM »
That's great, Erin, glad you're having a hiatus.

Halloween candy cannot live with me. Off to the food bank with it.

BTW, if you could possible find some Assertiveness Training in 3-D (I think I typed 2-D before somewhere) ... it's awesome to practice it. It's even FUN.

You are thus better prepared for future need....

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Redhead Erin

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2011, 10:10:05 AM »
I've done a lot of that kind of thing.  taking THE CLASSES AND oops applying it in real life are somewhat different.  I actually am very assertive in my ordinary and working life.  It is only NM who throws me for a loop. 

That is part of what drives me so crazy about being around her.  Its as if, as soon as I get in her presence, 25 years of therapy and life experience just go right out the window and I am back to being her subservient little doormat.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2011, 10:07:35 AM »
Quote
It is only NM who throws me for a loop.

Well, then! I think you've just discovered what I call a "golden nugget" of self-knowledge. Pirate booty!

It might not apply to you... but, for me, the explanation of this was that there was the "real mom" - who she really is; and the "mom in my head" - what I expected (and really wanted) a mom to be like. Once I realized that "real mom" wasn't ever going to realize that I had needs or care about me and those needs... she sort of lost the aura of special mom-power that I wanted to assign to the mom in my head. She became just another person - albeit living in her own version of reality! - and I didn't have to keep up the act that we had some special mom-daughter relationship anymore. Including letting her affect me so much, emotionally... or driving me totally crazy.

It's not perfect; or absolute; she can still surprise me - blindside me if I forget to pay attention.
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Redhead Erin

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #20 on: November 12, 2011, 11:14:22 AM »
I think part of the issue with mine is, she can pull stuff on me that no one else is in a position to do.  There is only one old, feeble, pathetic woman who raised me.  Therefore she is the only one who can lay on the guilt like she does.  "after all I have done for you" just doesn't make sense for anyone else.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #21 on: November 13, 2011, 08:23:45 AM »
Blech! "after all I've done for you"...
like the dentist?

Guilty thoughts/feelings in reaction to guilt-trips are excellent fertilizer for growth, if you start to question and talk back to them.
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BonesMS

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2011, 11:20:37 AM »
That old excuse from NWomb-Donors...."After all I've done for you...." REALLY, REALLY IRRITATES!!

Heard that identical line thrown at my NGCB because he DARED to announce he was leaving home and moving in with a roommate!  The NWomb-Donor tried everything in her power to FORCE him to give up his plans to have a life INDEPENDENT of HER and stay with HER FOREVER!  When that didn't work, then she tried to suck me into the middle of her sh*t!!  (I was only 16!)  I swear, it felt like watching a toddler throw a tantrum!!!!
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Hopalong

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2011, 01:55:10 PM »
Quote
Guilty thoughts/feelings in reaction to guilt-trips are excellent fertilizer for growth, if you start to question and talk back to them

Hear, hear!

Thanks, PR...

xo
Hops
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Redhead Erin

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #24 on: November 23, 2011, 09:59:21 AM »
Haha, PR--Yeah, exactly like the dentist!  :lol:

We have not heard from her in like 2 weeks.  My SIL invited her for Thanksgiving, so I had Ted call her--no answer.  Sometimes she will not answer when I cal, but it has been a long time not to hear form her . . . Ted will try to call her again today, and if he doesn't get an answer, we are going to call the police fore a well-being check. Because I am NOT going to be manipulated into driving all the way to her house just to knock on her door.

However, I am worried about her dog. 

BonesMS

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #25 on: November 23, 2011, 01:42:03 PM »
Haha, PR--Yeah, exactly like the dentist!  :lol:

We have not heard from her in like 2 weeks.  My SIL invited her for Thanksgiving, so I had Ted call her--no answer.  Sometimes she will not answer when I cal, but it has been a long time not to hear form her . . . Ted will try to call her again today, and if he doesn't get an answer, we are going to call the police fore a well-being check. Because I am NOT going to be manipulated into driving all the way to her house just to knock on her door.

However, I am worried about her dog. 

I don't blame you.  I think it's better to do a well-being check on the dog!

Bones
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #26 on: November 24, 2011, 10:59:42 AM »
Erin - What happened? My curiosity is driving me crazy! You OK?
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Redhead Erin

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #27 on: November 27, 2011, 05:59:58 AM »
So he got in touch with her--she chose to spend thanksgiving with her favorite child.  No skin off mine.  I got drunk with two of my cousins by marriage and we got Ted to take us to wal-mart for drunken christmas shopping!  Too much fun! 

Next day she called up wanting to know why we had not come over to her house for dessert (because we were having fun) and complaining that Ted had promised her we would go over there. (He didn't.)  So then she wanted me to drop everything and go out for dinner or whatever with her.  Sorry, ma, gotta work. Whatever.

She said the strangest thing to me--that she has already been invited to bro's inlaws house, and she didnt feel it was right to cancel at the lat minute because she had a better offer.  This made me laugh because of all the dozens of times I have had some activity all planned out or rearranged me life to tak eher to an appointment, then at the last minute she tells me she is going to ohio or going out got dinner with friends or got one of her friends to driver her .....

She does this every year on Thanksgiving, my birthday, and mothers day.  She spends the holiday with bro-whatever and then immediately calls me up and wants to spend time with me AT HER CONVENIENCE to make up the the actual holiday she didnt spend with me.  She ahs gone to Ohio (bro's house) at least the last two years on my birthday. Then she came back and demanded I allow her to take me out for my birthday dinner.  Forget it, Ma. My birthday was last week already.  The moment has passed, you know?


One incredibly weird thing is how little I apparently mean to her, in spite of the fact that she makes so much of it.  OTOH, my son means the world to me and I would never ever disregard his birthday or an important holiday because I had a better offer. Actually, there would be no better offer.  I'm not sure which is odder--the way she behaves or the wal after 42 years, I still am amazed/horrified/baffled/hurt by it.

BonesMS

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #28 on: November 27, 2011, 07:50:15 AM »
So he got in touch with her--she chose to spend thanksgiving with her favorite child.  No skin off mine.  I got drunk with two of my cousins by marriage and we got Ted to take us to wal-mart for drunken christmas shopping!  Too much fun! 

Next day she called up wanting to know why we had not come over to her house for dessert (because we were having fun) and complaining that Ted had promised her we would go over there. (He didn't.)  So then she wanted me to drop everything and go out for dinner or whatever with her.  Sorry, ma, gotta work. Whatever.

She said the strangest thing to me--that she has already been invited to bro's inlaws house, and she didnt feel it was right to cancel at the lat minute because she had a better offer.  This made me laugh because of all the dozens of times I have had some activity all planned out or rearranged me life to tak eher to an appointment, then at the last minute she tells me she is going to ohio or going out got dinner with friends or got one of her friends to driver her .....

She does this every year on Thanksgiving, my birthday, and mothers day.  She spends the holiday with bro-whatever and then immediately calls me up and wants to spend time with me AT HER CONVENIENCE to make up the the actual holiday she didnt spend with me.  She ahs gone to Ohio (bro's house) at least the last two years on my birthday. Then she came back and demanded I allow her to take me out for my birthday dinner.  Forget it, Ma. My birthday was last week already.  The moment has passed, you know?


One incredibly weird thing is how little I apparently mean to her, in spite of the fact that she makes so much of it.  OTOH, my son means the world to me and I would never ever disregard his birthday or an important holiday because I had a better offer. Actually, there would be no better offer.  I'm not sure which is odder--the way she behaves or the wal after 42 years, I still am amazed/horrified/baffled/hurt by it.

I would have been sorely tempted to quote her favorite line back at her:  "I got a BETTER offer"!

Bones
Back Off Bug-A-Loo!

sKePTiKal

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Re: Setting boundaries
« Reply #29 on: November 27, 2011, 10:25:27 AM »
Erin - at least she remembers it's your birthday eventually. Last year, my mom called me on the day... rattled on for an hour about herself, trashing my bro & SIL, same old broken record and NEVER even mentioned my birthday. This year, no call at all.

OH WELL. When I consider the source, it's not so breathtakingly painful. It's not like she's aware of what she's doing or that the thought of how I might feel about it ever had a chance to cross that mind. When I decided that I damn well did matter to me... I started to care less about mattering to her... & that started to reduce the chronic (and acute) pain.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.