Oh my, NLS... yes, when people don't think about what is coming out of their mouths, they say some really stupid things that they don't really mean!! (me included) I can see where you might think she's an expert on relationships and "how to get one"...
But, I would disagree with your friend about a.) being hot ALWAYS works and b.) that this would be a relationship you would want. Hops is better at explaining the social pressure behind all this, that I am. I found out through experience that this is just an opt-repeated myth. Yeah, I can look back to my 20s, when I was 5-7 and 110 lbs, and think that I was "hot". I was also overwhelmingly insecure about how I looked, didn't know thing one about makeup or hair, and always felt I looked like a hooker when I dressed up... so the options were, don't dress up or try to play the part and be outrageously flirtatious. And while there were a couple of guys who saw through this disguise, the playacting and hiding the real me... for the most part this only attracted guys who were incapable of relationships... or such jerks, with real and sometimes serious "problems"... well, hail... that didn't "work" at all! LOL... I ran as fast as I could.
Through my Ds, and my new exploration of having a social life... I'm meeting a lot of younger guys now. Guys with real jobs, careers, who've already given up their crazed 20s, the world is my oyster, wreck havoc and plunder and pillage days. They know, that sometimes, "pretty is as pretty does" - that the outside doesn't always accurately reflect what is inside - and they've had their egos slammed against a wall, run over & left for dead, set on fire and run over again. They've been deeply hurt, in other words. And they're very, very cautious now... because they want the same thing women want: someone to care about them, their feelings, to be a partner in life, someone to comfort, protect, and nurture... who will return the favor. Really, I'm impressed with the "quality" of guys I'm meeting... oh - and they still like to have fun, but within reason. I didn't find these guys back when I thought I was "hot".
They know not to judge a book by its cover because it's fallen on their foot and broken bones - and sometimes left them poorer, financially and spiritually. They don't value "hot" nearly as much, as someone with character, a life of her own that's interesting and intersects with their interests, they want some someone with some depth, who can collaborate, communicate, and who is going in the same direction that they are. That said, attractive doesn't hurt - but it's not "the" most important thing. Love does funny things to perception, and how people rate physical appearance... and I find that "generous perception" remains, long after middle age sets in. It's funny how these guys will describe their ideal woman as "the girl next door" - someone who's pretty and takes care of her appearance, but who isn't just that; there's way more to her than the "outside".
There seem to be a lot of different - and different kinds - of reasons women will latch onto the idea of and turn into a need, being in a relationship. Not all of them are "bad", to my way of thinking... or selfish & self-interested, at the expense of a guy. Not everyone is made in such a way, that they can live alone - be without a relationship - for a long time. Maybe it's biological thing, too. It really helps to know what your need is and to review that every so often, even if it's not something you discuss with a current "guy". If it's a guy who's mostly "right"... you could probably talk to him about it, without setting off his "break up" alarms. His perception could be very helpful to you, again - if it's a guy who's mostly "right" for you and whom you trust.
One mistake I made, that sabotaged my relationships/marriages, was that I unconsciously expected the guys to fill that hole of the mom I wished I'd had... my "ideal" mom. Big mistake!
I wasn't aware, at the time, that this is what I was doing or needing. That came only years later and with the help of T. What's wrong about it, is that a romantic relationship is different from the mother-child relationship by miles and miles. Apples & oranges. Not only that - but guess how many guys could live up to that need I had of the "ideal mom"?? In typical beat head on brick wall style, I kept trying... and always, I would realize that damn hole just wasn't getting filled by this particular guy... and then I was on the search for the next one. Once I started to realize my expectations weren't fair or suited to the type of relationship... things got easier. Guys have "radar" for this kind of thing, too - especially if they've been hurt before. They'll run before you do, if there is the slightest evidence that some unconscious scripting of the present, is going on.
The other problem connected to the above attempt to find someone to fill the role of "ideal mom"... is that, well - my real mom scared me so badly that she caused serious emotional issues for me. I can't relax, can't let down my guard, can't enjoy a relationship... as long as it's bearing any resemblance to a mother-child relationship, where I'm not the mom or where boundaries aren't clear and respected. My poor patient hubby has been waiting years for me to finally figure this out, you know? Giving me my space... though he's not shy about telling me, in many ways, that he doesn't like it and it's not fair. He's right - it's not. (I do have to make this up to him, you know? I owe him.) Yet somehow, we still work well together.
Clear up your relationship with your mom - get those boundaries in place and make no exceptions!! - and I think you'll find that you'll also see the guys and those kinds of relationships in a whole different light. It will get easier, if you have the "mom" problem solved first.
</end mommy-lecture>
** My Ds & I have always called this kind of historical example, experiential lessons & advice "mommy-lectures". I try to be as honest as I can about me... and if I'm not, they're allowed to tell me so! and also question my logic, premises, etc. They are allowed to flat-out disagree, too. This kind of "socratic method" of letting them be adults and choose for themselves, is finally turning out well - for them. And it lets us both recognize that we can love each other and still different people who believe and choose to do, differently. It is one of the characteristics I would design into my "ideal mom", if I could.
