Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Sick father etc.
Meh:
Did the factory restore on my lap top and got the virus-protection stuff loaded again. Lost the Word program functionality, Oh well at least I can connect to my email again.
I went to the grief group therapy session, it was in a small stuffy room and I thought I might start having a panic attack because my throat felt tight and sort of like "oh god maybe I can't breathe in here"... It wasn't as lame as I was anticipating though. So far it's okay.
I'm going to be babysitting my mother's neurotic poodle, something I'm not looking forward to except for the fact that it will be a break from spending time with my schizophrenic roommate who forgets to take her medication.
Hum, what a toss up, spend a couple of nights at nar-mother's house where I am otherwise unwelcome because her poor poodle can't be left alone while she is at work or...spend time with a person who says she is from the stars and is putting everyone on edge with her unpredictable weirdness and anger. All of the kitchen knives have been removed by staff because this person had previously put a knife on top of a door-jam. Really this is suppose to be some kind of place for semi-functional people. There was some kind of mental health specialist who came by twice last week to talk to her and I think he was encourageing her to willingly go to another type of place better suited for CRAZY!. Fingers crossed that she will flip out on a staff person...she will be gone at that point.
Meh:
I feel like I'm always complaining or something on here. So I guess the more positive things are that I have been going on a lot of walks under the yellow and orange fall trees and have been enjoying that little bit of freedom and really fresh air.
I managed to stare at some construction workers for a while when I was taking a break having lunch.
I have been doing more yoga which is probably helping me to stay calm-ish. Have listened to music, sang while cooking breakfast.
Meh:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 09, 2011, 09:12:58 PM ---Hi Boat,
Would it help you to have a quiet visit to your father, without brother or anyone else knowing you're dropping by?
Just so it won't haint you later?
Or if it's better for you to keep that door closed, then I vote you feel good and confident that it's okay for you to decide that, too.
Supportively, no matter which way you go...
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops but now that I have initiated contact with brother and father I just want out of it. Released from the reigns. It's hard for some people to understand, I do experience emotional attachment around my father but not love. Or if it is a form of love it is a strange love. I'm not going to visit him it won't do anything for me. I haven't been particularly warm to him since I have talked to him, I have basically nagged him in a business-like way to follow-up with his doctors and case managers and I think maybe they get the idea that I'm not
Meh:
...not some kind of soft bosom that is going to wipe their snotty noses for them.... see my brother and father they don't have mommies or wives... AND I AM NOT WANTING TO DO THAT FOR THEM.
I'm working pretty hard on not being invisible to myself and having my own life.
I told my brother to consider taking my father to some kind of support group or to church. Oddly enough my brother said he would take him to church because my nephews like doing that I guess....?? Who knows.
My father was trying to initiate more conversation with me but I pretty much shut him down and kept if focused on nagging him to do his stuff. That is where I am at with it, do your stuff Dad and I will do my stuff...and don't you dare lay your stuff on me!...The conversations get into this crap about how I'm going to fail at everything I do and life is horrible....and I already know life is horrible he doesnt need to tell me :lol:
Part of me puts the middle finger up at him. I'm angry and resentful and that is not going to go away I don't want to make peace with it.
Hopalong:
I hear you, Boat...and bravo for this:
--- Quote ---I'm working pretty hard on not being invisible to myself and having my own life.
--- End quote ---
You just can't step into rescuing Cinderella-caregiver mode, you've got to care for yourself.
Hops
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