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The Nothingness Relationship

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sfalken:
There is just nothing but nothing but nothing.

It was in the end, too difficult for my own well being and anxiety level, to be completely NC with my parents. So I began a process of what a counselor suggested as 'detaching with love'. Extending a very long olive branch so to speak, to relieve the stress, and to be able to focus on my life again and my family, while moving toward a permanent, healthier distance.

My 24yr old cousin died earlier this year, and through her funeral, I spoke with my mother, and we've seen them face to face a couple of times since then. All at her behest. He appears not to care. My mother, empty at the core, makes brazen attempts to force my wife and I to come deeper into her web again during conversation, and to entangle the children into her image. My father, who wounded me mortally a year and a half ago with a letter that, was the final step in destroying our relationship in my opinion, sits there and makes a little small talk toward my wife, like nothing happened, and while he speaks to me a little, its easy to see that he doesn't care. He doesn't care if I exist - or if I ever did. Its about him, and 'his wife'.

Its as if his eyes have grown dark. Even though I see my mother as the center of their collective narcissism, I somehow don't blame her as much because she is so mentally handicapped by her condition. I can blow off her stupid comments, and disingenuous words. But him, no I have a harder time with that. I hold him accountable. Yet he sits there silent and arrogant as they come, while looking on the outside like a great and respectable person to others, I know him too well. I remember a time when there was still a light in his eyes, and he seemed to understand, but, not anymore. Just an empty, cold hearted shell of a person I once knew. He has, in a way, become her. He has taken on the role of the core Narcissist - for lack of my own understanding of how to rightly explain it.

I feel abandoned, and betrayed. I know the situation in my conscious mind, but in my subconscious, I have not fully grasped it I guess. There is still that part of me waiting - no matter how much they - and he - have wounded me - and my family, for them to come around. But theres just nothing, and they won't. Just empty words from her, and a blank stare from him.

Its a sad state to exist in, and I often wonder how their last days will play out, and how we will all interact in the minutes, or years to come.

It's about learning to exist in this big grey nothing of a relationship, and to be ok with it.

teartracks:





--- Quote ---So I began a process of what a counselor suggested as 'detaching with love'. Extending a very long olive branch so to speak, to relieve the stress, and to be able to focus on my life again and my family, while moving toward a permanent, healthier distance.
--- End quote ---

I hear the pain in your 'voice'.   It would be easier if something inward was released to hasten the detaching.  Instead, it's as if a slow moving pulley has been chained to the heart slowly grinding away day after day, year after year, pull, pull, pull.  Maybe it moves slow because if the detaching were done in an instant, it might kill us?  I've detached from my immediate family and to be honest, it appears they have detached from me.  It took a while to come to where we are now.  It is less painful, but it's not how family should be.  I know that, but I don't think they know it.  I think they detached because it's more convenient than working at finding what is at the heart of the matter.

Don't give up.  I think your counselor's idea of 'detaching with love' is right - it sure isn't easy though.

tt

sKePTiKal:
OUCH.  (((((Sfalken)))))


"Detach with love" is what my T recommended, too. I don't know that I've accomplished this yet. There aren't any one size fits all steps to this process. No way to really measure it either. It's a tough road; especially when the situation is LC vs NC. But it's not complete nothingness for me. In the process, I've sort of found my self - and while that never makes up for the great, tragic, devastating loss of what we hope for in our primary relationships with our parents - it helps us make other healthy connections with people.

You sorta have to just let your parents be who they are - exactly as they are - while still keeping up your boundaries, and finding out what else there is "out there in the world" that's different, is nurturing, and filling up some those empty places in yourself. You're not just allowed to you know; you really will heal from that.

How've you been doing, otherwise? You haven't posted in a while.

Hopalong:
Hi SFalken,

I think as you continue healing (bravo to you for entering counseling, huge bravo) -- over time, the part of you that is about your parents becomes smaller. There may always be scar tissue there, but your healing and renewing self grows larger, grows around it.

Life itself, love of others, doing activities that have meaning...all of those things nourish your becoming whole.

Have faith that it won't always be this acute.

Try to be curious...even if you lose that for a while from depression, it can begin again.

Hops

finding peace:
Hi SF,

What you write resonates so much with me.

One of the first things you wrote:


--- Quote ---It was in the end, too difficult for my own well being and anxiety level, to be completely NC with my parents.
--- End quote ---

Personally, I tried and tried and tried limited contact for years, and it didn’t matter.

I was finally able to detach with love (from a very long distance …NC). 

Can I ask a question?  If it is too personal, please don’t feel you have to respond.

What makes it too difficult for your well-being and anxiety level to not walk away?

With love,
Peace

PS. Tic tac toe (sorry if I am wrong, but your name  remindes me of a great movie) – no matter how many times, anyone who plays that game knows you can never win.

Sometimes standing down is all we can do, and it is best for us, and ultimately best for them; although, they may not have the wherewithal to deal or even understand.

With much  love Peace (and unless I have misunderstood your name - aka joshua)  - Peace to you.

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