Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The "Mama Never Told Me" Thread
teartracks:
My perfect morning ritual would look like this: Two hours. Weather like Hawaii, a porch swing looking out over a lovely garden, a gentle breeze (I guess that comes with Hawaii like weather?) Maybe a footstool. A decent side table or chest to store my writing stuff in. My Bible or favorite devotional book. Perfect quiet. No phone calls. No appointments. No talk. Lots of meditation. Dashing off a personal note to my family and friends. Ahhhhh
tt
sKePTiKal:
That's really good for a while, tt. "A while" being however long one continues to enjoy it and it serves one's goals. My "while" has been about 30 months, give or take the additional few years I actively journalled every day to unravel the knotted ball of my story and suppressed emotional reactions to events in the story... and figure out what "letting go" and "moving on" was; for me personally.
I didn't know how long my while was gonna be, when I gave my Self permission to do this. I purposely didn't look at any "shoulds" or guidelines or advice because I wanted what I wanted and the first time in my life, I could actually let myself have what I wanted.
And now, that I'm feeling restless again... instead of replacing that with some external obligation... I'm trying to design a "personal ritual" for myself that's more intentional - and incorporates some of those goals that have had to wait patiently on the back burner while whatever process or goal was served by that long "down time" finished up... maybe it never completely finishes up, ya know? But it's far enough along now, that I don't think I'll overtax or overwhelm that fragile, vulnerable bit of myself by adding in these other things. And I know better now, than to instantly decree milestones, instant changes, and superimpose the goal I have in mind... for the expectations I have for myself... right from the beginning.
And my original question comes from my ignorance of what other people do, like to do, or ask of themselves in these kinds of rituals. I need plain old info... the raw materials from which to create something.
teartracks:
PR,
I think being mindful of what is soothing, replenishing, restoring, uplifting, and permissible (self has said, yeah, that's a good idea, you have my permission), is what sets ritual apart from other elements of our routines like consciously being aware of what translates as work, social interaction, what is 'have to, because it's the right thing', and what makes us feel drained rather than energized. In other words, being conscious of what is routine and what is personal ritual(s) where we own it (the desirable rituals) and we identify all the elements of our day and how each makes us feel while doing them. If we have rituals that serve no purpose, then toss them. If we're spinning our wheels getting the necessary work related things done, then tweak the method or adopt another method. Make it a challenge.
I'm not forgetting that you are married and that marriage is at the top of things to nurture and keep healthy. It's just that for the latter to work best IMO, the others need to be nurtured, kept healthy and implemented without guilt.
That way, the marriage can be bathed with contentment.
Trying not to talk out of both sides of my mouth here :). It's all a challenge - I know...
tt
Meh:
"Mama never told me" could be "Mama never showed me"
Mama never told/showed me that I was somebody. I could have been a lamp perched on a table.
Mama never told/showed me follow through, that is if she said something...she often didn't really mean or do what she said she would do.
Mama did show me a lot of manipulation emotionally.
Mama never did tell me or show me how much serious work life really is AND that life is also supposed to be fun sometimes.
Mama did show me that I should be pleasant and "nice" for her and to her.
Mama never did show me that I should "build a life for myself".
Even at work I dedicated too much into the effort of the job not fully "getting" how it's not about the JOB, its about me.
Just not a solid firm sense of self.
Mama never showed me that I'm a part of "the family".
However, mama did show me what guilt and shame feel like.
Mama did demonstrate a lot of incompetence I don't know why. I struggled with riding a bike, driving a car was strange, she tried to teach me how to sew and gave me a broken sewing machine and then she got mad at me for complaining that she gave me something broken. Swimming-she just dropped me into the water to sink. God she stinks. I still don't fully get this piece of learned helplessness I want to understand this more.
Hopalong:
I am pretty dazzled by your investigations, Boat.
I do not think you are stuck in "learned helplessness."
You are correcting identifying how you learned it.
Once you recover from the anguish, grief and anger over how your mother didn't give you what you needed,
you will be free--as in, inner self actually open and free--to learn to acquire it for yourself. Never mind "belated."
One learns what one learns when one learns it...and if you accept that you have INHERENT worth and dignity
no matter where you are on the learning curve, the process can be a series of happy discoveries, even amid
various miseries.
I have faith in that, anyway.
Hops
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