Listening Partnerships

[illudere]

Is anyone familiar with the child rearing principles from Hand In Hand Parenting? After my very first post here early this year, a number of folks commented on my anger, more like rage.  I took what y'all noted and started looking for therapists.  Larry Cohen of "Playful Parenting" mentioned the organization, and I had three months of consultation with them, I have to say the principles were really helpful and relieving actually.  Amazing to see the closeness with my daughter after getting her to release her issues. 

One of their strategies for being an affective parent is forming listening partnerships as a way for parents to get their own issues out of the way, make space in their heads to better deal with their kids.  They have a booklet on what Listening Partnerships are all about, sort of like therapy, but you exchange times so both people get to work on their own issues.  And the goal of facilitating has nothing to do the "therapist -parent" and their agenda, you do what is necessary to get the "client - child" to pop their hurts. 

Phoenix Rising: you mentioned crying in another post, Crying (besides laughter, physical struggle, and shaking) is one of the best ways of releasing hurts. 

With my time zone and lack of local Hand In Hand community its been darned near impossible to find suitable people to form partnerships with, so I have no first hand experience if talking it out in the manner they suggest helps.  My HIH consultant was great but I didn't feel comfortable role playing with her, talking to her as if she was my mommy. 

I imagine these principles would help with voicelessness. 

-illudere

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Illudere...

This sounds like a really great thing to practice (as needed) with your D. As a child, what I wouldn't have given to have my mother even grudgingly agree to do this!! Just that simple experience of being heard (without the reflex consequence of being dismissed, told I was wrong for feeling that way, or just wrong - period) would've let me feel like a real person who mattered; it would've given me more confidence within my self - to just grow into my Self.

I think you'll find there's quite a bit of that going on here. We listen to each other, mostly. Some people are more geared to comforting others... some are great at providing perspective... some of us (ahem, yours truly) have irresistable urges to suggest advice, solutions, and analyze the life out of situations. I'm going to venture to say, that some of us are even "online friends" now because we have actually connected with other through the reciprocal listening... and deeper interactions.

New friends, always welcome!

[Hopalong]

Hi Illudere,
Sounds very interesting...my only pause was trying to imagine you in a mutual mirroring or time-swapping kind of communication with a four year old, and the focus being on her "popping her issues". Sounds maybe a little overwhelming for her, if one wants her to just be a relaxed, natural child. And you don't want her to be "parentified" -- feeling responsible for doing these exercises "right" so Mommy can be okay now. (I mention parentification because I was guilty of it without knowing it--treating my child too much as my equal, not enough as the little one. Hindsight's horrible.)

But as far as YOU getting to release your feelings in a safe space, and be heard, it sounds as though you've done a wonderful job of taking your anger issues seriously and taking steps to get some help and practice that will let YOU rule your mind, rather than just your emotions ruling it. I am very impressed with that and it's also the sign of a loving parent...one who will not avoid the difficult thing of accountability. Bravo.

My vote would be for pretty mainstream anger management and parenting classes (something recommended by a local mental health organization), simply because there's so much research and practice and development behind them. But maybe Hand in Hand is an organization that isn't radical or experimental. I am allergic to forms of therapy and healing that involve a whole new set of special "insider" jargon. And also worry about gestalt types of techniques in unskilled hands.

All that said, I'll suggest to you anyway a group I have briefly participated in, even though I don't feel entirely comfortable with them. Because I know some wonderful people who love it, and do well with it, and are healthy members of a positive community. It's called RC, or re-evaluation counseling, or co-counseling. Personally, I am completely comfortable saying it has cultish origins and some of its theories are hogwash. But if you can literally tell yourself, I do NOT have to swallow all this organization's theory or jargon to benefit from the human experience I can have within the group--I recommend it simply for the "sessions" -- which involve deep expression of emotion in deep safety, and equal time sharing. It would give you that space. (Just don't go whole-hog to every single workshop, weekend, etc., etc, which they have no limit to. Bring your adult mind with you, cherish your skepticism, but be open to the people.)

I would definitely not recommend involving your child, but it would be a safe place for you to be heard and held. They're not afraid of anger. Or noise. Or snot.

And the more you release somewhere else, the less your child will have to deal with (even if she swallows it).

with love,
Hops

[illudere]

Hi sorry I wasn't clear about the partnership, it would be between adults, friend/ stranger similarly inclined and I guess it would help if situations are somehow connected, ie. folks with different aged children would have different concerns than ones closer in age.  The HIH organization/ principles  seem to make so much intuitive sense, especially the bit about forming a specific kind of theraputic tie without the hierarchy involved with a therapist as well as an exchange happening. I am not affiliated with them, just found something that resonated and helped bring me closer to my daughter.  I am talking to a therapist, and have been looking for partnerships to work on my child specific concerns. One of the things I learned via HIH was restimulation. Reliving same issues I went through at my daughters specific age. 

Hops I actually started to post a response to your recent thread about your daughter, but really didn't feel qualified to post so hence I started this thread.  Something to think about, what were you going through at the same age as your daughter?   

I-phone is a pain to type on and edit,  I'll write more later. 

-illudere