Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Boat that Rocks on November 28, 2011, 07:41:38 PM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on November 27, 2011, 07:47:55 AM ---I'm not quite sure which is worse... a sober N, an dry-drunk N, or an intoxicated N whose brain is fried and scrambled on alcohol and/or drugs.
Bones
--- End quote ---
Uhhhggg....feeling dizzy
Now I can clearly see how unclear it really is. God help me.
I never saw it that way before Bones, clearly points out the necessity to somehow not get involved with them too deep.
~~Maybe writing here on the board, ruminating and regurgitating puts psychological space between us and them? What choice do we have, just pushing it out of mind doesn't help, Well maybe sometimes it does but somehow it resurfaces always.
~~Ya know, I'm really struggling with this simplicity vs. Complexity thing. I mean I'm not going to get a PhD in Psychology so I am asking myself just how many layers of "complexity" am I going to entertain, you know the feeling that every end of a string is tied onto another string and pull that one up and then at the bottom of that is another and another. And does this bring us out of the dark and into the light I just don't know.
--- End quote ---
Sorry about the dizziness. If I was able to spot a warning sign, glad to be able to help.
Bones
Hopalong:
I think some things we can't think our way to the answers to.
(Ironically, I think that.)
I think (again, hah) the solution is in a feeling space.
For me, it's in safe community (for me, the UU church) where I plant the seat of my pants on the seat of the pew or in the seat of a chair in some meeting or other, week after week and year after year, because it reminds me that I am most safe as part of a larger organism...a sort of Gaia view. My drastic individuality and dramatic pain (it's real, but it's dramatic) recedes at least for a couple of experiences a week, when I'm in a group setting (within that overall-safe-for-me community).
It seems to be the thing that settles me down, beyond analysis.
It's not about having an answer as much as it is about having a place.
I don't even care if I'm right. It could be a placebo effect. This sense of being part of something.
It still makes it easier to be a speck on a star...
xo
Hops
Meh:
Really Hops, that is quite profound: I think some things we can't think our way to the answers to.
Hops, that is really awesome your church group provides such a sense of wellbeing for you.
Earlier this evening I went to my Buddhist group, sometimes it helps a bit so I go, any little bit that helps I will seek it.
I'm just especially frazzled though so it didn't help a whole lot. I was feeling quite angry when I went. I don't think it gives me the same amount of reassurance as your group does but a lot of that probably has to do with having faith that has been developed over the years.
I'm finding that in my hard-time Buddhism just isn't quite doing it for me for some reason.
Hopefully at some point I will be more settled and have a "place", I can see the value of finding and attending a church regularly.
It's probably especially powerful to be able to go back to the same church year after year because you have plenty of time to get to know people.
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 28, 2011, 09:41:20 PM ---I think some things we can't think our way to the answers to.
(Ironically, I think that.)
I think (again, hah) the solution is in a feeling space.
For me, it's in safe community (for me, the UU church) where I plant the seat of my pants on the seat of the pew or in the seat of a chair in some meeting or other, week after week and year after year, because it reminds me that I am most safe as part of a larger organism...a sort of Gaia view. My drastic individuality and dramatic pain (it's real, but it's dramatic) recedes at least for a couple of experiences a week, when I'm in a group setting (within that overall-safe-for-me community).
It seems to be the thing that settles me down, beyond analysis.
It's not about having an answer as much as it is about having a place.
I don't even care if I'm right. It could be a placebo effect. This sense of being part of something.
It still makes it easier to be a speck on a star...
xo
Hops
--- End quote ---
Meh:
Sorry Debkor, The article is a good reference about the subject. Thank you.
I mean yes I do think I have gained more awareness from reading info I guess the main thing is it scares me and disappoints me to know that I can not FIX it and it will not just go away. If one can't FIX it or make anything better then why make the tremendous effort to understand it. Sometimes I just feel left behind in the dust in life and that I will never catch up (or just missing out on life) because of this mess.
Doesn't the non-fixability of these relationships put a person into perpetual and continual and everlasting grief that will not resolve?
I just want to ask God "When is it going to get better"?
sKePTiKal:
Boat, sometimes you just need to go smell the Christmas trees or sit in the sun and feel the breeze on your face. A "time-out" from trying to "figure it all out". Go pretend all this crap doesn't exist - just for 10 minutes or so. It'll help the dizziness.
Here's the thing: you are right. You can't fix the the Ns; you can't fix the relationships. I'd like to stop wars and redesign how Congress works - but I can't. What we can fix - is US. I think it's sort the last, lowest N-trick - that we spend so much time trying to understand them (not possible) - that we put off the stuff we can fix, about our selves.
Yes, it helps to do the research, the reading... to try to understand the he said/she said drama & dynamics. It's not the answer.
Yes, it helps to have a place like Hops does - or your Buddhist group - just a community to BElong in. It's not a substitute.
Yes, it helps to move the work to the "feeling" self sometimes... I believe it can "think" too - but in emotional "words"... and get out of our heads sometimes. We need both - thinking & feeling - to work creatively, collaboratively, in the same direction together... so that we're not constantly pulled in 2 directions at once.
River's "Self in Exile" explanation makes sense to me... but I have to try to put my understanding into my words and terminology. And the one thing I have to remind myself of, a lot - it that it's not an on/off state - is/isn't. It's a continuum... so that, at any given moment I can be more/less - to some degree - my whole self. And I think this is true of everyone - and I mean absolutely everyone who's not certifiable, all the time.
As to addictions & N - my Nmom doesn't even drink coffee or tea. The only thing she's really addicted to is projection of parts of herself (that she can't stand and may very well be delusional) onto people around her, people that's she's already made crazy with gaslighting, frustration, and never being satisfied. Then, they get to be the REASON (blame) for why she's unhappy. (repeat ad nauseum) It's not possible - at all - to make her aware that she does this; that's how deep her denial is.
The only solution for me, is to focus on something other than her 'coz I don't understand "crazy" - focus on the people around me now; the me I am now - in other words, STEP AWAY FROM THE NUTJOB!! Breathe some fresh air. Just BE.
OnlyMe - hello! We can change what we believe, thankfully! I used to believe I was going marry one of the Monkees, too. LOL!!! It's so "wrong" in the natural order of things... to tell a child they're expected to give their life for the parent. Doesn't get much more N than that, does it?
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