Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
KayZee:
NLS,
That line really resonates with me! I can't remember if my NM ever said it aloud or just implied it. Also, the related "No one will ever understand you as much as I do." Cue my own inner voice: WTF? But you don't understand me at all. That means no one in the world will ever really see or understand me. It will never get better than this. Kill me now!
At any rate, I think that statement reeks of engulfment!
Do you mind my asking if that sentiment played itself out in your romantic relationships? Like, did your NM generally approve/disapprove of your partners? Was she convinced that they loved you as much as "she did?"
My NM despised/bullied every partner I've ever had (including dear husband). It's, like, how dare I be more committed to anyone than her? She even gets jealous of the attention I give my children. It's sort of like she wants to be my husband. Twisted.
Anyway, if that sentiment felt inauthentic/abusive to you than it probably was. And it's very brave of you to suss that out.
lots of love, Kay
KayZee:
(I'm so sorry, I was posting just as you were posting your last reply)...
I want to add how sorry I am. You totally deserved a mom who protected you from all of that, helped you, heard you when you told her about your problems at school.
Actions count a lot more than words. It's all well and good for parents to say they love their children, but it doesn't count for much unless their actions line up. Without that, the words feel phony, empty.
I hear you. I totally relate. And I think it's very insightful and gutsy of you to call B.S. on your NM's claim.
Kay x
Guest:
NLAS
some people may be charmed by her, a few may not be. Those few are the ones to look out for, because they will look out for you.
I'd explain my point of view if I thought it would do any good. Mostly it wouldn't do any good and I know that. But I don't know, sometimes people exceed our expectations and surprise us in a good way.
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: nolongeraslave on November 20, 2011, 11:28:51 AM ---It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom. If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much." My mom does brag about me to others at work and presents herself as being very attached.
--- End quote ---
Hey NLAS. This comment really resonates with me. My mother has always been diligent with the presentation of herself to colleagues and so forth as a "loving" person. It's a smoke screen that helps keep other people from ever seeing into the reality of the situation. Another weird pattern in my FOO: I never once heard the word "love" until I was in my 20's. There wasn't so much as a kind word when I and the sibs were actually in the house. Then all of a sudden there was a strange shift in her behavior and she's talking about love and affection on a regular basis. I think of it as a hook to keep the offspring attached to the situation. It's easy to talk love when you don't really have to do anything to back it up. Put any expectation or pressure on her and she turns into a seething hateful monster.
nolongeraslave:
This is why they guilt me too. They say "Look at how other families treat their kids. We love you so much and these other families don't even tell their kids they love you."
The few people I"m close to know how toxic she is. I've learned who to tell and who not to tell.
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