Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Father with cancer and narcissistic mother

<< < (6/13) > >>

Hopalong:
I agree with TT...if you step up to the point that you endanger your own health, that's no solution.

I sort of did (push myself past the healthy point), but I was driven by something else, too...
I had always yearned to be closer to my Dad but my Nmother's reflexive:
--jealousy (part of her Nism), and
--desire to keep us apart (unconscious but completely misplaced protectiveness--belatedly I understood it was because her own father was not trustworthy with daughters)

...had been successful. My Dad was a self-effacing man who would never have "stood up to" my mother to demand more time or more of a relationship with me. He wasn't that attuned to why she was so interfering and dominating. I felt grief and frustration at times over his distance (though I always knew he loved me).

So at the close of his life, being able to spend that time with him and make such a difference (and her, too) ... was very healing for me. It also solidified me as an adult in my own eyes. And gave me comfort afterward, knowing I had treated them as I believed.

Sorry to hijack, Lucky...keep posting about your own situation.
Every one is unique.

Hops

Lucky:
My father's condition is deteriorating and I feel terrible about it. Is it so that for "us" a very ill / terminal parent is worse than it is for others? Other people are acting a bit like it is the most normal thing and that one should really not be so upset about it. That is the impression I am getting anyway.
My hair has started to fall out like crazy again because of the stress.

Hopalong:
Aww, Lucky.
Of course you're not weird to feel so intensely about this.
You are facing a loss, and of the one parent who DID show you love, right?
That's a powerful loss. You will survive it, but you will feel its power.

I wonder if the stress you feel is wired to a part of you that feels you
ought to be able to FIX everything. Or if you're gripped by the fear of
the loss that is coming. It's the loss of control...?

We know death is inevitable, but maybe daughters of Nish mothers
feel not "normally" abandoned by the other (kinder) parent's death,
but terrifyingly abandoned. So reacting however you react, makes
perfect sense. Nobody else's business to judge it.

I do recommend one book to you, strongly. A sweet and easy
read that literally can help you profoundly. When Things Fall Apart
by Pema Chodron.

Keep on posting, vent that stress and fear here...it will help.

You have inner calm and inner strengths you haven't discovered.

(And...it doesn't matter what other people think, or what remarks
they make. You are entitled to your own experience and your own
feelings and your own reality. You may want to change your own
reality to help yourself feel better...and that's good. But not to
be more like others--to be more like your stronger self.)

love and comfort,
Hops

Lucky:
Yes, my father has always been the softer, more patient en kinder parent. The more sensitive one with regard to an other's feelings.
That might be the reason yes why this is affecting me much.

Lucky:
Thank you for your support Hopalong and Teartracks.
Maybe it is a bit of a control thing but is it not normal that one does not want to lose someone your love? Especially not in such a horrid way (wasting away, a lot of pain).

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page