Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

New thread for flirting, opposite sex relationship stuff

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Meh:
I already have a slip of paper, I took it to church with me and prayed about it, feeling it out to see if I should even be focusing on something like this and I think yes I should allow space in my life for this possibility . All it says is careful, thoughtful, kind, generous, understanding, faithful. 5 descriptions--I wanted to leave a lot of room for a real person instead of an ideal

When I was younger there was no space in my life for the other and I was not brave enough to look at my own emotions that came up. I was terrified of men when I was younger. I could not handle somebody getting close to me. Honestly I could not handle intimacy and I don't even specifically mean like sexual intimacy...I mean like emotional intimacy I could not handle other's strong emotions I don't know why. Maybe its a nar-trait or something. Anywho. I'm admitting to myself the difficulty that I have.

Meh:
So worried about being lovable and good enough that I forget to ask myself is this person deserving of me? Does this person deserve my time and energy?

How much time and effort is too much/ too little to give in the start?
--------------
So many people talk about the important of honesty their relationships. I mean like everybody says this. IT makes me wonder has every person experienced a lot of dishonesty in the past. Is dishonesty rampant???

Just wondering.

Other question: Are people learning social behavior from each other or are they on some level taking out on others the exact same thing that has been done to themselves. The past couple guys I had flirtations with I noticed that they behaved towards me in the same way that they had described women behaving towards them(the guy). To my mind I think "If someone did this to you and you didn't like it so much, then why are you doing it to me now?".

Is it some attempt to get even, acting out, leveling their own playing field-elevating their own self esteem again or are they just acting out a social behavior that they have learned. I wonder.

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Boat - I do think you're diving right down to the pearl - the straight route.

So I just wanna respond on one thing right now. That is the perception you've stated that "normal" people are somehow inherently lovable... and you're not... because to you - it appears so easy and natural for them. "Appears" is the key word, here.

Don't make the mistake of believing what people - couples - show to the outside world as being their honest reality. It's never quite as easy and perfect as it appears. There is a lot of compromise, give and take, loving someone in spite of their unlovable traits. I don't know how many times I've seen "perfect couples" crash & burn in the most spectacular way. And other couples last... together... their whole lives.

Don't make the make the mistake of attributing more goodness or lovableness to others, than you would yourself. The answer to the question of why you're not in a relationship like that, doesn't have anything to do with your inherent lovable self. You're on the right track, asking if someone is a person you want to spend time with; be around. Then, ask... how do you feel when you're around and with them? If you're people watching some day, it might be fun to ask yourself if that person - or that one - is someone you might feel comfortable and happy around... just to try to get an idea of what attracts you; what you "like" in other people.

One of the things that is horribly frustrating and maddening, is that there isn't any recipe that is consistently applicable to any two given people... a one size fits all recommendation or absolute rules... about relationships. I've noticed, that even among the same two people - over time - what "works" in the relationship necessarily changes, too. A relationship - the thing that exists between two people - has a life of it's own and each person contributes to that relationship, nurtures it, collaborates within it... while each person continues to exist as a separate independent, whole person.

Paradox in that, is that it's usually really hard to define what "works", simply because it's always changing; fluid. That's where the "magic" part comes in for me. I don't know what other word works as well as magic... chemistry is close... but it's the combination of two whole people that creates something real between them... than holds them together.

Meh:
And now we are back to mysticism.  :lol:

(just call me smart @ss)

Meh:
Extention of Ego and Social Status...that is part of dating also. I'm not going to do anything to elevate a mans social status if that is what he is needing. I'm probably not going to boost a guys ego either. I just want somebody who enjoys being with me and doesnt need a lot of ego and social status boosting. IS this unreasonable I ask myself because we are all social beings to degrees. I don't know its cloudy.

I want to feel like it's (us) instead of (all of us). I don't want to feel like I am dating a guys friends and family and co-workers also. ??

IS DATING CONFUSING FOR EVERYBODY?? Is confusion about dating a bad sign? Does confusing ever even out into something that makes sense in a crazy way or does confusion = failure, no relationship is going to occur out of it??

Where is my therapist!!!  :)

Is it all suppose to feel smooth and like it makes sense? I'm too old to be confused right!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.futurescopes.com/finding-date/689/finding-and-dating-men-looking-long-term-relationship-or-marriage

Relationship Advice Articles. I like reading this stuff but it all makes my head spin. If I composed an encylopedia of this stuff and were to study it like a student it wouldn't help it all.
This article says finding a man ready to commit is like finding the Loch Ness Creature. But who even wants the Loch Ness monster?
Is a man worth it? I mean love is worth it yes....but is a man worth it...I think no. --I don't understand this conflict

I don't think I even want somebody ready to commit that would freak me out. I just want love and respect. But if somebody is not ready to commit that probably means they are not ready to love and respect......Eh???
Relationships are not conceptual are they? A person can use the terms love and respect but those ideas whereas (what word)
are just IDEAS mental formations thoughts....I think dating happens outside the realm of thoughts and our minds even though the minds are involved. DATING is a complicated social interaction right!!!! Like negotiating political peace or something, takes charm and smarts and diplomacy and bribes and promises and contracts, treaty, trade of goods. It's like a FULL TIME JOB for the people who can do it right.
I'm just going to try to do the things I like to do.

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