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my daughter's dilemma

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Hopalong:
The reality of couch-surfing has sunk in. She has literally no money and has begun to feel very uncomfortable about her friends feeding her.

A few days ago she sent me an extremely nasty email about me being codependent, a child, and how she hates having to think about "my F-ing feelings" all the time.

Tonight she called and calmly talked about having no food, no money...but underneath I could hear that she's afraid.

I know she wants/needs money and I am heistating over my choices:
1) send another care box with bread and some snacks as I did two weeks ago
2) send a grocery card
3) send her links on local resources (which I've sent many times before)
4) do nothing, breathe, wait and see

I have written my T to ask his advice. My social worker friend (who is not a mother) is angry with my D and feels she should have to ASK for what she needs. For her, "tough love" comes easier.

My D mentioned coming back up here just to "chill" for a few days. There is no plan. Her foot is better but it sounds as though she's no closer to paid work. I can hear the fear and instability in her voice so don't know if she's in the same space she was in Florida, where she felt so anxious about job hunting that...she coudln't job hunt.

Her phone kept cutting off and she hasn't called me back.

For the last few days since her nasty emails I had just been contemplating the reality that at least now, my daughter hates me. And then -- she turns to me.

It is really really really hard to figure out what is the healthy and sane thing to do. But I do feel a little less reactive, a little less eager to rush in.

I HATE the fact of her suffering. But I'm not sure I have helped her by helping her. At the same time, I'm scared it's really her mental health disabling her, and perhaps having to go to soup kitchens, etc., will "motivate" her.

Is that fair, to a person in her situation? To me it seems cruel. (Her treatment of me has been pretty cruel too, but I can forgive it over and over. I just want to learn the right balance between being responsible for myself -- not accepting abuse -- but still being a good mother.)

TORTURE. Thanks for hearing me vent.

love,
Hops

Meh:
Wanted to let you know that I heard what you wrote, obviously I can relate somewhat from the perspective of your daughter. I'm not going to say much because I don't know what the best thing to say is, I'm so deep into the woods I can't see the mountain tops anymore myself.

"Foodstamps" help a bit, if she is not receiving it already it is one thing she might be able to do.

I hate to say that "soup kitchens" are a crutch or a lifeline but for me personally haven't been a motivational device.
I say that because since I have been in the downward spiral I have had paid jobs and volunteered etc. but it's still hard to piece it together enough to get me up and out. I have been to soup kitchens and there is no spark or some such thing there that facilitates the change IMO.

I'm sure your daughter's situation is unique to her though. Hopefully something will somehow shift for her.

  

teartracks:



Dear Hops,

Though your words are spoken in anguish, you are thinking comprehensively and clearly.

No hurt hurts quite so bad as when one's child is hurting  :(.  I'm so sorry your heart is aching.

Do you suppose an 'intervention' might help?

tt

debkor:
Hi Hops,

I don't believe your D hates you and I do believe the name calling, co-depenant, child, worrying about your F'ing feelings (are hers).  She sounds disappointed, defeated, scared, and angry. 

I'm a mom and I would send some food/or a gift card (for a supermarket where she lives).  That I couldn't stand/I don't like hunger(and it's my kid) that may be the only thing I would do.  Meanwhile as Boat wrote She can apply for *assistance* food stamps, medical, even cash.


(((Hops)))

Deb

 

BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))

My perspective may not be valid as I am not a parent.  At the same time, having worked with a crisis service center before I became too sick to work, I've learned that there are resources available for your D, if she is willing to reach out for them.  I understand your dilemma....you want to help your D and, at the same time, you do not want to enable her to continue her dysfunctional behaviors.  (I guess this is where Al-Anon for families would come in.)

This may be a difficult question to ask......what would your D do if you were PHYSICALLY and/or FINANCIALLY unable to do anything?  (Hypothetically, suppose you were in a hospital or a nursing home and had to depend on social services for your own medical needs/survival?)

I don't know what hotlines are available for you and/or your D.  Have you tried calling 2-1-1 to explore available resources?  Are there hypothermia shelters opening up in her region that she could go to and talk with the staff there?

If she were in my geographic area of the country, I would be referring her to the services and contact people that I know that are here.  (I had to do that with my cousin, who called me up demanding money.  Long story there.)  I guess my approach would be something akin to:  "Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to fish and you feed them for a lifetime."  My question for your D would be:  "Is she willing to learn to fish or does she simply want to sit back and keep screaming "GIMME!" until people around her get fed up with the attitude?

Just my 1/2 cent worth.  IMO.

Bones

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