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my daughter's dilemma

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Hopalong:
Sea, what a great comfort to hear this from you.
I know you've been through a similar fire...now I'm thinking of it as a kiln.

Your progress is just amazing.
You have earned your beautiful, protective glaze.

Wow.

Thank you, so much. This really lifted me.

xo
Hops

sea storm:
Hi Hops,

Really good to hear from you too. It is baffling to me that your daughter keeps beating you up verbally and with actions. You are just never good enough in her mind. I recognize this movie as it is similar to mine. This might sound odd but has anyone tried to poison your daughter against you? When they are little they can be influenced this way. It never occurred to me that my ex would do that or that his new wife would do that but that is what happened. Part of it anyway. My part was probably acting the role of the "crazy woman" when he would come to pick her up and I would not let her go. So he looked cool and my daughter was screaming to go with him but I would not let her get in a car with a drunk.  That sort of thing.

Just a little vignette to explain how things slide of the rails.
Christmas has come and gone. My daughter and I were getting close again but then she started in on me and I forgot to put up my protective shield and her contempt came through again. I have to back off and let people who do care about me become more of the centre of my life. They were there but if my daughter beckons they become invisible to me. This is not working.

You are a lovely person Hops. Many time you have given me kindness, love, and courage.  Remember NO ONE gets to take that from you. 

Many blessings to you. I was away for awhile over the holidays. I stayed with my sister and we got along for the first time in decades. I refused to rise to the bait. instead I would recognize it and deep breathe and reject the anger in my head. I would say. Thanks for the offer of anger but not today. No thanks.  It was hard on my sister and she broke down and started to talk about her fears.

Tryng to survive the alienation of  my daughter has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I want so much to heal it.I have made mistakes with her along the way.

I really can''t fix my child's life. I can't offer help unless it is clearly asked for. I can't make her love me.
It is a fire, Hops. I don't want to stick my hand in the fire again.   

You are just wonderful. Let yourself thrive. Plant yourself in a field where you can bloom. ( sorry to be so bossy).
I know from working with families if you try to help them and lend a hand when they are in crisis and they don't want your help, watch out because they will try to bite your hand off.

My beloved child is going to learn her lessons the hard way. It is hard watching this. I am not good at it. But I had better learn.

Much love to you Hops and to all the other parents who suffer and are hurt by their children.

Sea storm

sunblue:
Gosh Hops...I'm so sorry for your situation.  I don't know all the details of your family but it sounds like your daughter is taking out a lot (unfairly) on you.  I can only imagine the pain that causes.  I'm wondering what would happen if you withdrew for a time.....would she try to make amends, or try to do better?  I think those who have been the victims of Ns tend to be more giving, vulnerable and generous in spirit which sometimes makes them the target of those who think they can take advantage.

I hope you can spend the rest of this holiday with people who don't treat you that way, but who recognize your special gifts.

sKePTiKal:
So, how are you getting along this week, Hops?

What's your news, what have you been up to?

Hopalong:
Hi all (sorry PR, didn't see your 12/28 post):

D is arriving tonight for a visit of a week or possibly two. I have set a limit of Feb. 1st (have a possibly new tenant moving in then.)
She has some sort of appt. in her city Weds. (mentioned paperwork) so I'm pleased -- without knowing what it is, sounds like she's doing something, or has something in motion. Don't know anything about it though.

She is leaving her cat with me for a half-week. I said okay. I'm allergic but he'll be in a separate room. Poor kitty's been dragged from pillar to post and I'm fond of him. He'll be awfully lonely during the 2 middle days when one I'm gone 10 hours, and the next 12. I've asked her to wipe him down with a hot (nearly dry) washcloth twice a day, that's supposed to help keep down the dander.

Her tone's been fairly courteous with a few exceptions. Don't know if it's because she wants something or if she's really trying to get a grip and relate in a more adult way. I've been extremely anxious about her coming but I am also going to keep things calm and adult. I am not going to try to advise her or direct her but only talk to her like any other adult. Courteous, etc.

Main thing is to not permit anything abusive and take very clear care of myself and set boundaries. One idea I had, because her requesting money is inevitable, is to explain to her that since I need help with the house because it will be showing again to buyers starting next month, if she needs a small amount of financial help, I'll ask her to earn it by helping me here. I am skeptical that she will, but we'll see.

Wish us luck. If we could have a visit that's basically peaceful and polite, that would be wonderful. I have no craving for emotional intimacy with her and feel it's better for us to try to be less reactive and less involved. Love's there, but I need no drama.

I am hoping the abusiveness was a function of her illness and that after these sobering months living on couches, she may be motivated to be civil and a bit more considerate.

Send light!
love,
Hops

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