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A Narcissist's Favorite Things?

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KayZee:
Hi everyone,

So I don't know whether this is therapeutic or not.  (I know part of recovering from an N parent is focusing on what you, the adult child, like and enjoy.)  Still, our preferences sometimes speak volumes about us and I find myself wondering what your N's favorite books, movies, songs etc are?  And whether these favorites are telling?

My NM loves the movie Mermaids, and totally doesn't get that Cher's character is psychologically damaging her children in it.  To NM, Mermaids is an ideal existence: stylish, sexy glamorous mother has two daughters who "adore" and "idolize" her and she doesn't even really have to share them with any sort of father figure.  NM thinks it's so wonderful and exotic that Cher's character only feeds her daughters hors d'oeuvres.  In my childhood house, snacks were revered and meals were looked down upon.  NM "doesn't enjoy cooking."  Why would she?  Cooking involves giving something to others: flavor, comfort, nourishment.  Also, NM has always envisioned herself as Cher.  This seems to be a lifelong thing, predating the births of my sister and me.

NM also loves the Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice," not surprising as her favorite past-time is nursing grudges.

When I was a kid, NM's favorite Christmas movie is that one with Dolly Parton in it.  What's it called?  Smokey Mountain Christmas?  Only, the weirdest part was, it was like NM identified with the witch instead of Dolly Parton.  The witch in it has this line: "And you will be mine forever!"  NM adopted this line and would say it on occasion, year round, to me.  It was always accompanied some teasing nastiness.

That makes me think of another one.  Seems like NM collected lines of dialogue from movie villains.  From the movie Annie, NM stole this line from Annie's evil foster mother: "You had better make it shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!"  NM would repeat this one whenever she was bossing me through some household chore.  If I was dusting the furniture, it was supposed to shine like the top of the Chrysler Building, etc.

Anyway, I'd love to hear your stories and experiences.

- Kay

JustKathy:

--- Quote ---Seems like NM collected lines of dialogue from movie villains.
--- End quote ---

My NM does this. She has no education to speak of (I don't think she even graduated HS), so everything she knows, she learned from television and movies. She would quote lines from movies as if they were her own original thoughts. I actually think she got reality confused with fiction and may have believed that they were her own thoughts. She also stole plots from TV shows and turned them into dramatic stories of things that happened to her in real life. It was not unusual to hear a story of a murder that happened in the neighbourhood, only to realize that she had stolen it from an episode of "Law and Order."

As for her favorite things, her movie and music choices were all things that made her look cultured and intellectual (they may not have been her true favourites, but she told everyone that to make her look educated). She hated popular music and would insist that we only listen to classical music growing up. I had to sneak records into my room if I wanted to listen to "evil" rock n' roll. She also had extreme hang-ups about things that are "dirty," meaning anything that had sex in it. She only watched Disney movies or "family" films. I think her favourite was probably "The Sound Of Music." Again, I'm not sure if she actually liked these movies or if she was just using them them to force "wholesome" entertainment down our throats. As for TV, again the snobbery. She's one of those who tells people, "I only watch PBS." Now, that said, I know she obsessively watches crime dramas (she once volunteered at the local police station and believed that she was a cop because she had a BADGE - look out, she was SOMEBODY). She doesn't admit to this though. She'll make a big production out of watching something educational, then run off to her room and watch CSI.

SilverLining:
I sure see a lot of my FOO in these comments.  My father doesn't pick up dialogue from movies, but he does co-opt lines from books and present them as if they are his own ideas and thoughts.  His favorite things are all "high brow" stuff.  He claims to watch only PBS, and only reads important or classic books.  He watches a lot of movies, but then claims to hate just about every one of them because they showed something he considers "unrealistic".  He gets a charge out of being a movie critic.  Movies are an easy thing to criticize without any fear of repercussion. 

In the last couple of years, he's suddenly become a self proclaimed expert on classical music, which is really kind of weird since he's also going deaf.   

My N grandfather operated the same way.  I remember him visiting one time when I was about 11 years old.  Instead of doing things  with his grandchildren, he sat in a chair and read "important" books.     
 

KayZee:
N-nastiness aside, it's kind of heartbreaking, isn't it?  That a person could have such scant self-worth (and so little idea how to relate to other people) that they'd spend their whole life quoting books and movies, never daring to go off-script?

My GC-sis has done the same thing since she was very small.  NM used to let 5-year-old GC spend six to eight hours a day in the basement alone, watching the same VHS tapes over and over and over again.  I suspect it turned into a kind of coping mechanism.  Grown GC-sis does the same thing today, watching box sets of Friends over and over, then working the cast's mannerisms and dialogue into her every day life. 

Silverlining, that makes me very sad to hear about your grandfather's visits.  Makes me wish I could shake these darn N's and say, "If you really want to impress little kids, don't sit around and read Tolstoy, get on the dang floor and PLAY WITH THEM!"

Kathy, your NM's failure to distinguish between real life and fantasy sounds terrifying.  Particularly the part about the badge!  Good lord!  My GC-sis is like this too; she hangs out with a lot of cops and sort of thinks/acts like she's one too.  Strange how they think aligning themselves with the law makes them above the law or something.

Anyway, thank you for the stories and the dash of humor.  These days I'm laughing to keep from crying/puking.

Kay x

SilverLining:

--- Quote from: KayZee on December 20, 2011, 02:03:18 PM ---

Silverlining, that makes me very sad to hear about your grandfather's visits.  Makes me wish I could shake these darn N's and say, "If you really want to impress little kids, don't sit around and read Tolstoy, get on the dang floor and PLAY WITH THEM!"


--- End quote ---

Hi KayZee.  That's it exactly.  I only saw my grandfather about 10 times in my life.  Seeing and interacting with the grandchildren wasn't a big concern, until he retired, moved off into the woods and started begging relatives to come visit and listen to his accumulated wisdom.   He sat in his chair for 20 years reading important books, then died unhappy and alone.   

Here's another question on the topic of likes and dislikes.  How many find their N's turn personal preferences and foibles into absolute standards of quality?  My father only likes high brow books, music, movies e.t.c..  And in a convenient self reinforcing loop, what he likes then gets defined as important and high quality.   He'll read a book, then push it on others.   If the other hasn't read it, well then they can't possibly understand the topic the way he does.   It's part of a complex game to keep his fragile sense of superiority intact. 

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