Therapists

[BonesMS]

I often leave therapy feeling confused. I'm noticing this.

I don't like it, I want to be focused or motivated or excited or to feel understood, or to feel like I don't have to be overwhelmed with grief. Want to feel like solutions are within my grasp. Want to feel like I have something to look forward to that is why I go to therapy.

I do not go to therapy to feel confused. And if I feel confused then maybe there is something about what the therapist is doing that is NOT working for me???

Maybe I will go back one more time and explain to her that I feel confused and that I would like referrals to private therapists.

The problem is I don't have a strong framework or structure in my life. It's like the therapist wants me to use some sort of framework and structure that is indwelling? My own internal compass is broken. The therapist can keep on telling me "read your compass"  "read your compass"......It's bothering me. This is NOT helping.

In other words, we need to have therapists HEAR us instead of trying to force us into their "pigeon holes" for their comfort.

Bones

[Hopalong]

I think it's great you've identified that you feel confused.

Maybe that's something to "sit with" in the company of the T; ask her/him to help you work with this feeling and see what may be beneath it.

Instead of asking them to "turn off" the feeling of confusion, because you want to have a different feeling.

Probably, starting where you are...including feeling the feeling you are having...is how you're ultimately going to find the gate.

Confusion's uncomfortable and scary, particularly when you're motivated to change and worried whether you can. Just take a feeling out of the bag that's on your lap in that moment and name it, give it a chance to teach you....

It's not so much the person (T) who will teach you, but the feelings you examine in the safe company of this person. Who, we hope, will now and then have a comment or suggestion that really is helpful. If s/he goes too fast, say so...

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I hear ya Boat!

My evil twin suggests that you do tell the therapist that you're feeling more confused, because if you had an inner compass - you'd already be listening to it and acting on those suggestions... instead of going to therapy! What kind of crap is an inner compass, anyway? Has he/she been watching too many Jack Sparrow movies? What in the world does he/she mean by "inner compass"???? Words and meanings were extremely important to me, in therapy -- and even now, I keep finding ones that meant one thing "back then"... that really don't mean that, in the dictionary or in reality.

That said - I also left many a session feeling worse than I walked in; confused sometimes - mostly scared out of my imitation tough girl panties. Some of the work I did, I can only describe as having to enter, travel through to the exit, some really awful places... and at my age, it was pretty clear I wasn't able to go there and survive, by myself. The purpose of the therapy - and the therapist - was to hold my hand while I did walk through - or carefully navigate a large boat that needed plenty of water through the shoals and sandbars of the Graveyard of the Atlantic; Blackbeard didn't make it outta here. My T was my navigator; first mate too... but I was at the helm, the captain... making those directional decisions... and it seemed like my first chance to "command" my own ship so of course, I didn't want to crash into the rocks or get taken out by a kraken... it was my first chance in life to BE my own compass and decide which direction was my "mission"...

So I'm gonna try to guess what is meant by "inner compass"... it's a direction-finder, right? And "inner" implies it's something within you that has a real attraction to, a strong preference or orientation to... a specific direction... or that you know exactly where you want to go... where you want to end up.

SOME of us don't really have one - at least, we haven't been introduced to it or know it well. Or it's "broken"... or the hand that was watching it and calling out headings got thrown overboard last week... or we're in a place where "magnetic north" is disrupted and the ole' reliable compass is spinning around, just as confused as the rest of our self is. Sounds like a really bad spot to be in - dangerous and uncomfortable and each second is unpredictable - even as you realize the ship isn't really going anywhere except in circles. Eventually, you'll need to resupply the ship.

So, if your "navigator" is experienced - you navigate by the stars, the sun, and "dead reckoning" -- landmarks, as you hug the relative safety and real dangers of the coast. If you're already out to sea... follow the birds... the ones that have to nest on land... sit at anchor long enough to automatically "feel" east & west as the sun comes up & goes down and then you'll know north & south too --- even when your compass isn't working.

ALL a compass can do, is tell you where the cardinal directions are located. It can't decide which direction to go in... it won't speak to you, the secrets of your heart (except in Jack Sparrow movies)... and the compass only "gets you where you want to go", if you know where you're going in the first place... and also, it helps a lot to know where ARE at the moment, too. Because knowing which ocean you're in makes a world of difference, if you can't see land, doesn't it? The "captain" decides... chooses the heading, the speed, which sails... and hopefully, the crew agrees with the captain and cooperates.

Anyway, if the ship is sinking or you're afraid you're going to be lost forever... this particular analogy or metaphor gets irritating. Plainly speaking, there is always an "inner voice" or "inner self" that sometimes - not always - knows the answers, the direction to go in... sometimes it's smarter than our normal self; sometimes NOT. That kinda depends on who and what type of who, that inner self is... sometimes, it's an inner child... sometimes it's an inner "mother"... the kind we WISHED we had, and just positively KNOW exists - even if ours didn't know the dictionary meaning of the word.

One of the goals of therapy, is to make sure that your day-to-day self and that inner self are playing nice together; cooperating - there's no mutiny... someone IS watching and calling out the compass headings as one makes way. And, in my experience at least, I felt a whole lot worse - before I felt better. Like I had to have a major bone rebroken and reset properly to walk. (Peglegs are kinda out of fashion these days... except for the hi-tech substitutes - those are kinda cool)

It occurred to me, reading what you said about what you wanted:

Maybe you want more than a navigator on your "crew"... or maybe the therapist is only helpful for the dad issue, right now. It sounds to me... that one of the things you want (and I'm getting used to being wrong - no harm in telling me, either!) is a good friend... or a mom-friend... to help you find the realistic, practical hope (not the "ideal" ones) that exists where you are right at the moment, to help you FEEL better about what you can do, right now, to change the circumstances of your life. Encouragement, motivation, and ideas... another brain with differences from yours... compatible with yours, tho... to help you decide and organize a plan - the "how to" get the compass working again... and know where you want your travels to take you: specifically. That might take yet another crew member, to deal with those practical details... maybe a life coach?

That can be difficult for all of us, at different times. You know that thread "Things Mama never told us"? Well, one of the things I find I never learned... was my own way of making decisions: setting a goal, committing to it, laying out that plan... and going through it. And that was partly because I had no IDEA what I wanted... or even IF I wanted anything. My inner self had been keeping all that extremely "need to know" and top secret. Sure, I could do this at work... and was good at it**. But for myself and my life? It didn't exist in the realm of possibility. So, at 55.... I'm finally working out how to apply what I know from work, to myself.

** Why was it easier to do at work? Because someone else decided the goal; set the agenda... just like my over-controlling Nmom did with my "me"...  it's the height of irony for me, as I'm reading & digesting this book on willpower & self-control to realize that it's not self-control, determination or perseverance that I lack... no, growing up in a wack FOO helps one gain black-belt mastery of those techniques... but one doesn't gain any experience at all in the choosing or deciding area. And I can be overwhelmed by more than 3 choices, easily... and then I just "don't choose"... because at that point, I just don't have the energy to be able to tell which one I want. I give up... and let the winds blow my boat around where ever... even if it crashes apart and sinks.

Maybe there's something in this ramble that'll give you some ideas, Boat. Just turn up your music and drown out what doesn't apply.

[Hopalong]

Boat, I wanted to add that I do understand why you may have felt some despair at being assigned a fresh-out-of-school therapist.

If it continues to not be helpful to meet with this T, can you request an older person with more experience?

It is not a "bad" thing to want to talk things over with someone who's lived longer, and you can ask in a way that doesn't criticize the current one.

Good health professionals are not offended by a request for a second opinion, etc. Our family once transferred from one doc to another in the very same office (the first one actually being our next-door neighbor) and nobody sulked.

Hops

[Meh]

Today, when I went in to see the female therapist that I have been going to, I guess maybe this is the 3 or 4th time. Pretty much I sort of argued with her and she kind of engaged into the argument which probably wasn't a great thing.

She had me fill out paper work, one of those forms where I rate my own "depression"/"anxiety". She looked at the form and she was pointing out that I'm somewhat (depressed). I took exception to this term because I told her the very first appointment and I'm sure she has forgotten by now that I just don't believe in depression like it's promoted in pop culture. Its a meaningless catchall term for anybody who is down. So I understand they want to monitor somebody's progress and see if the person improves BUT I hate the term.

I was about ready to get up and walk out of her office mid session but I didn't. We ended up setting up another appointment but discussed the possibility of referral, I've been trying to get her to tell me more about WHO is available so I can have some say in who sees me. I still don't get how many therapists are in there network of people, I don't think its too many but previously they made it sound as if there are people in the community. I'm burnt out on everything even therapy. Maybe therapy just doesn't work for me.

[Meh]

When did depression even become part of people's common vocab I wonder? Seems like few generations ago it would just be considered some kind of hardship/missfortune etc... not it's own problem. I think its BS. and I blame it on the dumb drug companies for brainwashing everybody. I've already been through all this on this board before was all dramatically communicated with me feeling like I wanted to vomit up a lot of anti-depressants all over the F'ing place. BECAUSE those therapists never even helped me to identify any real problems that caused the down-ness. It could have helped me if I had identified some of my issues earlier and that may have occured if a lazy therapist didn't just say after the first sesssion...take some pills!

I just told the therapist that very bluntly "I'm not depressed....I'M discouraged" I had to say it to her twice because she didn't even hear me the first time I said it because she was reacting to me and not even listening. I'm clear very clear. I may not know what I need, or what the solution is but I'm pretty clear about my feelings.

It's absolutely the truth that I believe that I am in fact discouraged but I refuse to take on the term and label of depressed any
longer. I just don't even agree with her methodology.

It's kind of idiotic, she asked me "if there are things that I used to do that I enjoyed that I'm not doing any longer". UH, YEAH DUH!
Hike, bike, snowshoe, paint, go to classes, get pay checks. COME ON!!!!

It's scripted and formulaic, this therapy and its in a low income community health clinic so of course I'm not going to get any real help there I would have to pay for an independent therapist probably.  I AM! I don't trust her and she doesnt get it.

[Meh]

I have that bouncing screen thing going on here.

She said that she just wanted to reflect back to me that I'm closed off and basically I'm resistant and difficult. But I have the right to tell her that I can't stand the term depression. Anyways she then said that she thought we were getting hung up on the terminology. Terminology is important because there is a difference between telling somebody they are depressed compared to what I would say about myself: DISCOURAGED.

They lead to different paths. Depressed = more therapy, pills, something intrinsically wrong with patient (these things are not positive)

Discouraged = Needs A life change that is encouraging

[Hopalong]

I agree with you Boat. I love the fire in you to name your own truth.

I wonder if you could be both depressed and discouraged?

I'm glad you told her twice.

Still, she is not the enemy and it's better to be arguing a bit with a well-intentioned at least decent humdrum therapist than not be talking to anybody at ALL... Try to look for whatever small ways she DOES hear you. See if some more conversations over time with her begin to get a little easier. See if you can imagine her as an ally, rather than someone you have to obey. And see if some small good moments or small helpful realizations might come out of it anyway, despite the built-in limitations. See if some of those are enough to still feel you're moving forward (and while you seek out supplemental support of all sorts...don't forget all those types of free groups...)

I wish you could also find the finest shrink in town and work out a barter. You garden for a couple hours in exchange for one therapy appt. Go to office after office with a flyer and hang around until you can introduce yourself to the shrink, one at a time, hand them your flyer, look 'em in the eye and say, "I would really appreciate if you would respond to this offer because I really need skilled therapy now. And I am a very good gardener." Meet 10 of them, one will say yes.
I love your clarity about your feelings. I was telling a friend tonight about the stream of labels and acronymns I've had in my life: anxiety disorder, panic attacks, clinical depression, and now ADD. And I was laughing and saying, you know, I could care less. Bring them on! 100 years from now I'd be wearing the XYZ label or maybe the antidisestablishmentarianismissionessioniciety label. I truly don't care! I do not feel bad about myself for being what I am! It's about as relevant to my worth and value as the shape of my nose.

And human language is always approximate and mental health diagnoses and poet's descriptions are too. It's just language. All that matters is loving yourself.

I think you are doing that. Step by step. It's all steps.

I am sorry you're discouraged Boat but fwiw, I really do sense some big digging going on in you, some earth moving.

There is hope. Remember how many gardens start with what looks like an impossibly stony field.

love to you,
Hops

[Meh]

I know you are trying to help Hops but...

Nope, I'm not going to beg for therapy. Therapy just has limitations. Some people just have messed up lives and they don't excel beyond it. I just come here to vent not because I think the solution is here.

No I'm not both depressed and discouraged. Some guys marketed this whole idea to the extreme- the ones all sitting around in their business office wanting to sell Prozac to as many people as they could. I worked in health care.
Pharmacy = drug dealers run by big business.

monkeys used in medical experiments who have had their bodies messed up and have been in captivity for too long, well they are diagnosed with depression. There was nothing wrong with those monkeys to start with there was never a chemical imbalance in their brain when they were normal before the experiments. The title of depression infers that there is a defect in a person's brain chemistry or some crap like that. Unless the worlds foremost expert does a scan on my brain and does a urine test or whatever they do these days...IM not buying it. Its the wimp out explanation and there is no concrete evidence. Sorry but I need evidence at this point in my life before I'm going to just fall into a trap of believing somebody just because. People who are depressed they don't try to restore back to a better state. They are forever depressed, upping the dosage on their pills and crap. FORGET IT!

Yep, the therapist confirmed that it was ridiculous that my mother would suggest to me that I should become a nun as a solution.
That felt sort of good. Somebody else confirming that my mother is monstrously crazy.

I want to erase any damage, I do want to roll back time and make up for everything that seems to cause grief just from feeling how deeply (I missed out).    

I should be married, I should have a career, I should have a life. If I did maybe I wouldn't ever write on this board at all, maybe I wouldn't answer my mothers phone calls at all there would be no reason to, I would have a version of family that didn't include her.

Somehow its really not about my mother at all anymore because however she did screw me up, well the damage is done. It just doesn't help that she tells me I should join a convent. She is just retarded. Excuse the lang. I think she got it from a story about a great grandparent who was in an orphanage and then became a nun because that was common back then...

But then that would mean she is likening herself to an orphanage and me an orphan.

Heck if this was just a few decades ago somebody would be trying to give me a lobotomy.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey... thought I'd let you know I more than kinda related to this:

She said that she just wanted to reflect back to me that I'm closed off and basically I'm resistant and difficult.

This was one my own "symptoms" and you're absolutely right: there is a REAL reason for it. And yep; it sure 'nuff does LOOK LIKE depression on the surface - but it sure as hell isn't. But what's a T to do? When faced with a "no win" situation in a client, who's been facing it on their own long enough to want help... but doesn't know how to do what the T is trained to expect from a patient??

No one's fault, really. And not totally an impossible situation, either. And I guess you can butt heads, until someone "gives"... and that's one way to get past this. (But, a brand-new T might not have the experience or cohones to stand her ground against you; you've had a lot more practice being you the way you are - chuckle!) Or ... and this might be something to try... try writing to your T. I'm suggesting this, because a) - there's absolutely no misunderstanding you when you write; you're clear as day... and b) - I don't think you're closed off, resistant or difficult when you write. On the contrary - I feel I'm getting to know you! And I like what I know, so far.

You know how some people learn better by just listening? better than by reading? or how some people have to write something down to be able to remember it? Well - what I figured out about my own "symptoms" similar to yours above - was that it was way easier for me to write than talk to someone especially if the topic was intensely emotional. I literally get verbally "all choked up" - and my frustration level goes up accordingly - when I'm not able to make myself understood to another person, or they're choosing not to hear me, or I haven't found the right words to make it clear as day -- because I'm distracted by own emotions. I literally don't express myself verbally - the way I write here. Inhibition and being ignored and/or put down & criticized and shamed/humiliated does that to a person. It also sometimes manifests as "difficult", "resistant" ... because of frustration and anger and "closed" because of grief, loss, distrust... or in my case, fear.

I really think Dr. G was ahead of the curve, when he provided the board for us to write like this. He caught on... that for whatever complicated reason or theory born of working with people who were the "collateral damage" of PD parents... that we were FINALLY able to get off our chests (and backs...) the horrendously heavy burdens we lugged around that kept us "stuck" in our lives and rebuild new lives for ourselves... he caught on that writing worked better for some people, than talking.

I don't think you're depressed. You tend to find the simple good in each day - the sun and breeze, funny little animals - and that disqualifies you. Depression is Flat-Land; it's only 15 shades of grey (not 256); depression doesn't WANT to change or make things better - it doesn't believe that even exists. You know it exists and you want to start getting there for yourself. What helps, when one is in that spot, is a lot of validation - cheerleaders, people encouraging you when you run into the inevitable struggles this involves, people who can help you navigate those, and people who will applaud and celebrate with you each successful step you take... until you learn how to do this, yourself. (Coz Mama sure as hell didn't teach you this...)

I know you can do this, Star. It's not gonna happen overnight - it's not possible to just be teleported into that (wishes notwithstanding). It's a hundred, a thousand, itty-bitty steps and decisions and taking chances that makes up a long journey, right? And step one is the most important (but you've already taken that one).

I've often thought... that maybe a life coach would be more useful to you than a T. Someone who does have a T background (so she "gets" why it's foreign or difficult for you), but who's focus is: what can we improve about practical daily life first... to enable you to get to another "place" emotionally where you can seriously tackle the bigger things on your list? It's not like you're not able to work a lot of it out on your own - you've proven that here. But you're also starting to figure out that there are things you might need help with -- better help than is available to you right now and that you need to do some other things first... to make that possible.

What I'm saying is: you're already in the process of doing this - mentally, emotionally preparing yourself and making choices - and you simply need that partner in 3-D to help you with the practical stuff that "mama never showed you". If your current T can't do this or help you... maybe you to ADD someone else to the mix (not just replace)... and then save the T-work for those kinds of things. And maybe this T just isn't a good fit for you, too. You'll sure know, when it's "right".

You're already making changes; getting clearer for yourself. You're already doing what you know you want and need to do. You don't want to go back to the very beginning and start all over -- and you really don't need to. There isn't anything wrong with you that can't be put right - with a kind, patient, encouraging, creative-thinking partner or two.

I'd be willing to bet on your success.

[Hopalong]

What she said.

I'm sorry, Boat. I didn't mean to override your experience or suggest anything humiliating.

I am in wanna-fix-it mode or just wanna-help mode and sometimes one just wants to be heard.

I hear you.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

No biggie Hops.   

[Meh]

Can I make up a new diagnosis: "lost soul" syndrome.

I think there is some piece of me not having a strong sense of self and belonging and also some lack of whole life plan. I don't have a plan for my life, I never did. I had short term strategic ideas that I often did accomplish but sticking that into a big picture of who I am supposed to be has always been very hard. I think I'm more susceptible to others advice and opinion and suggestions. Most people can shrug this stuff off especially if they have a bigger life plan that is already in place. Heck never mind I don't know.

I'm in my 30's, Clearly it is sinking in hard that I didn't belong to a family when I was a kid growing and it also looks that way as an adult too at this point...and if feels very very lonely. Not that it's my whole issue but I think it's nagging at my soul. I just feel greif for what I didn't have and won't ever have. I'm not going to make up stories about how any job so so fullfilling that it makes up for a lack of personal life or something.

Part of the problem me going into the therapist is I have a hard time explaining everthing to her, I wish she was just vulcan. It frustrates me that I have to explain things to her, I mean I know thats the only way she would know, the thought of it just makes me feel tired. Like my muscles go weak when I think of how to tell her everything thats weighing on my soul.
I also just feel like I don't trust her.

In theory I was just supposed to be in some sort of slump but not a permanent life style change.

I've lost view of the bigger picture in life, I'm aware that the larger picture is there. I've been focusing on the little things, going to the foodbank and making meals, and doing my dumb temp jobs. It's hard to accept that this is supposed to be an opportunity.

I get a lot of pleasure out of making my meals, I figure it's the one nice thing I can do for myself and it gives me the opportunity to do something with my hands.

I'm aware that little decisions in my life had more to do with dumb good luck or dumb bad luck that propelled me forward. Smart people know that, they know how essential it is to get going on a good path rather then a bad path. I know these things intuitively but fall short at the whole plan part, and it's not even the whole plan that I struggle with, its a vague not knowing of somethings. Just lacking ever having enough direction maybe.

Afraid of the path that ends up in "Gee I didn't know this was going to happen".

[sKePTiKal]

I like that... "lost soul syndrome"!  Good words, because if you can sum it up like that - your soul is no longer lost (to you). You - your conscious mind - now sees it, recognizes it, and can protect it with different things than when you were a child. It's super progress, too. It might take awhile to get to know how these two parts of yourself intersect, overlap, and learn how to work together and protect each other. But that is more of a playful adventure... than dangerous journey.

This image of you swimming to the surface through the depths of water, like a mermaid who's been changed to a human who needs air to breathe... comes to mind. And perhaps, that's because the toxic parts of your grieving are diminishing... it's done; drained of intensity... (PERHAPS... it's able to continue on auto-pilot while you enjoy breathing fresh air??)  eh! whaddooIknow? Could be; schmood be... but if it's so, you need to know that you'll probably always a tad sensitive to the loss you're grieving -- which qualifies you to be be a gen-u-wine member of the human race -- it's what the poets mean by "human condition".

I have to take issue with the basic premise, though, behind what you said here:

I'm aware that little decisions in my life had more to do with dumb good luck or dumb bad luck that propelled me forward. Smart people know that, they know how essential it is to get going on a good path rather then a bad path. I know these things intuitively but fall short at the whole plan part, and it's not even the whole plan that I struggle with, its a vague not knowing of somethings. Just lacking ever having enough direction maybe.

Afraid of the path that ends up in "Gee I didn't know this was going to happen".

LIFE HAPPENS while we're making plans, you know? And while I have a lengthy, complete "mommy-lecture" for you on the nature of Shoulds vs. Real-life... for now, I'll just say that if life always went according to some plan for everyone it would be so boring I couldn't stand it. The Should-Idea that one person turns into a life-path... doesn't always fit... isn't always right... for the next person. And that Life-Path... a person is allowed to change their minds about it, you know? And about success/failure on that life-path?? Ya gotta remember that appearances can be deceiving and some people put more energy into keeping up appearances, than working the path.

So it's a lot messier than it sounds. But it doesn't have to be. Just pick out the pieces (from the available should-ideas) that you know have to be there: you have to live somewhere, right? How much money do you need to live? So... that amount of money is the first criteria you need to meet, when looking for a job. After just those 3 things: everything else is options, personal expression - the "I likes/dislikes" of personal preference - and those dream-list things that feed the soul... whether that's travel, music, relationships.... whatever. I know, you already know this. I'm preaching to the choir.

But forgive yourself, already, for taking a "time-out" from life to find your own soul. Not everyone does this; not everyone CAN do this... and from here on out, things will be easier. Different some undescribable way. Give yourself some well-deserved pats on the back, a couple hugs  (from me), and figure out what you want to choose, design or do first and remember to give yourself some slack, be patient, and enjoy the adventure.

[Meh]

The Should-Idea that one person turns into a life-path... doesn't always fit... isn't always right... for the next person. And that Life-Path... a person is allowed to change their minds about it, you know? And about success/failure on that life-path??

I don't think it's helpful for me to go through everything that you guys write and then for me to counter-talk about what I really meant or what I'm getting at. This is a big part of why I just have some posts that I lock and only write back to myself.

When I wrote the prior comment above I already had the running self dialogue to myself: "Don't compare myself to others". "Not everybody is married and has a career and a family"..Blah blah,  "we aren't all on the same path"... "life isn't formulaic"...

I already said these things to myself because they must be very common automatic pilot statements.... and I wrote the comment anyways because I haven't had a lot of success with relationships in my personal life and it really is an issue that I need to work on. I'm not comfortable anylonger at this point in my life with the emotionally stunted/damaged/black sheep whatever...term...way that I have lived....this has been an expression flowering out of the neglect and lack of parenting/mentoring and generally slipping through the cracks...way that I have been living that is not working.

I know what I'm trying to say even if I didn't say it very well.

I'm very challenged in relating to others in personal relationships and it's not an area of my life I wish to ignore. Also if I'm slowly missing out on ever being a part of a family in anyway whatsoever because I just ran out of time and I was too damaged....well for me personally there is a huge grief and loss in that. A grief that seems to be a continuum flowing from my past and replaying itself out into my present. I really don't give a rat's @ss what popular culture says about who people should be or who they don't have to be.

I know that I have missed out and I know that I need to be a part of something and that I need a reason to live and I need to be building my own life. Its a piece of what I need to be pretty serious about to even feel motivated to get my cr@p together. I often feel like I don't belong in the world and that there is no place for me here. After looking into this, I found that there were different parts to it and part of it is related to my personal relationships. --And I'm not talking about saying hi to a neighbor or waving to a garbage man, or volunteering to pick up after other people's children, or talking to a student, or speaking to my mother....most people find a real framework of significant people in their lives and right now I have none. I'm not saying that I expect my life to look like other people's blah blah...but I need to give myself the opportunity to see myself as a g@d-dang grown up with my own life.

I don't want to find out that I missed out on life over and over again just because I was too F'ed up to figure it out.


 

Well heck, I guess really I need to say is that I don't expect anybody to understand my whole unique situation. Part of the thing is I have a hard time articulating my personal circumstances sometimes even though I do a lot of it on here. There literally was no space for me growing up. My parents didn't really talk to me a lot about me or about my life or about what I would do. When I need to say things things for myself at this age not only is it somehow strenuous to get it out of my mind in a coherent meaningful way but also figuring out the emotions along with it and also trying to figure out my identity in this context. Well anyways it may not make
sense to you but its part of what I do here when I write.

I get frustrated when I have to talk about the larger picture of my life because I'm reinventing the wheel out of thin air.
Jumping screen need new box.

I'll write more, I just need to say it, to clarify to feel like I have the right to even want a life for myself. Maybe it also helps me to go into a therapist and have something sort of figured out what to say to her otherwise I struggle when I am sitting there, frustrated that I have to take the time to explain things to her. Going to go get some exercise now before my brain implodes, going to a museum, going to come back and make some dinner, try my best to fill out some lame-@ss paper work my therapist gave me, and resubmit some resumes for secretarial jobs that I can't seem to get because the people getting them now are college graduates. Who knew that one would have to go through 4 years of college just to be able to answer a telephone and stamp and staple papers together. There are jobs that I did 10 years ago. Wait....it's because I'm not supposed to be applying for these jobs I'm supposed to have a real career....

Yeah I'm a "smart-@ss" I know. It's because I'm frustrated beyond what you even understand.
I have a dumb housing director telling me that I can't go to school- and even a person can't be a student while in certain types of low-income housing situations..--then I have my dumb therapist who's husband helped support her while she went back to school trying to "challenge my beliefs about going back to school" and "she was the first person in her family to graduate from college"....yeah yeah yeah. I'm tired of it the inconsistency and all of it. She doesn't really get that sometimes I can't even afford tooth paste. It's true. I have at times received charity toothpaste and charity toothbrushes at the same time I still have to pay rent to stay here. And I'm really SICK OF IT!.