Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Therapists

<< < (8/12) > >>

Meh:
When did depression even become part of people's common vocab I wonder? Seems like few generations ago it would just be considered some kind of hardship/missfortune etc... not it's own problem. I think its BS. and I blame it on the dumb drug companies for brainwashing everybody. I've already been through all this on this board before was all dramatically communicated with me feeling like I wanted to vomit up a lot of anti-depressants all over the F'ing place. BECAUSE those therapists never even helped me to identify any real problems that caused the down-ness. It could have helped me if I had identified some of my issues earlier and that may have occured if a lazy therapist didn't just say after the first sesssion...take some pills!

I just told the therapist that very bluntly "I'm not depressed....I'M discouraged" I had to say it to her twice because she didn't even hear me the first time I said it because she was reacting to me and not even listening. I'm clear very clear. I may not know what I need, or what the solution is but I'm pretty clear about my feelings.

It's absolutely the truth that I believe that I am in fact discouraged but I refuse to take on the term and label of depressed any
longer. I just don't even agree with her methodology.

It's kind of idiotic, she asked me "if there are things that I used to do that I enjoyed that I'm not doing any longer". UH, YEAH DUH!
Hike, bike, snowshoe, paint, go to classes, get pay checks. COME ON!!!!

It's scripted and formulaic, this therapy and its in a low income community health clinic so of course I'm not going to get any real help there I would have to pay for an independent therapist probably.  I AM! I don't trust her and she doesnt get it.

Meh:
I have that bouncing screen thing going on here.

She said that she just wanted to reflect back to me that I'm closed off and basically I'm resistant and difficult. But I have the right to tell her that I can't stand the term depression. Anyways she then said that she thought we were getting hung up on the terminology. Terminology is important because there is a difference between telling somebody they are depressed compared to what I would say about myself: DISCOURAGED.

They lead to different paths. Depressed = more therapy, pills, something intrinsically wrong with patient (these things are not positive)

Discouraged = Needs A life change that is encouraging

Hopalong:
I agree with you Boat. I love the fire in you to name your own truth.

I wonder if you could be both depressed and discouraged?

I'm glad you told her twice.

Still, she is not the enemy and it's better to be arguing a bit with a well-intentioned at least decent humdrum therapist than not be talking to anybody at ALL... Try to look for whatever small ways she DOES hear you. See if some more conversations over time with her begin to get a little easier. See if you can imagine her as an ally, rather than someone you have to obey. And see if some small good moments or small helpful realizations might come out of it anyway, despite the built-in limitations. See if some of those are enough to still feel you're moving forward (and while you seek out supplemental support of all sorts...don't forget all those types of free groups...)

I wish you could also find the finest shrink in town and work out a barter. You garden for a couple hours in exchange for one therapy appt. Go to office after office with a flyer and hang around until you can introduce yourself to the shrink, one at a time, hand them your flyer, look 'em in the eye and say, "I would really appreciate if you would respond to this offer because I really need skilled therapy now. And I am a very good gardener." Meet 10 of them, one will say yes.
I love your clarity about your feelings. I was telling a friend tonight about the stream of labels and acronymns I've had in my life: anxiety disorder, panic attacks, clinical depression, and now ADD. And I was laughing and saying, you know, I could care less. Bring them on! 100 years from now I'd be wearing the XYZ label or maybe the antidisestablishmentarianismissionessioniciety label. I truly don't care! I do not feel bad about myself for being what I am! It's about as relevant to my worth and value as the shape of my nose.

And human language is always approximate and mental health diagnoses and poet's descriptions are too. It's just language. All that matters is loving yourself.

I think you are doing that. Step by step. It's all steps.

I am sorry you're discouraged Boat but fwiw, I really do sense some big digging going on in you, some earth moving.

There is hope. Remember how many gardens start with what looks like an impossibly stony field.

love to you,
Hops

Meh:
I know you are trying to help Hops but...

Nope, I'm not going to beg for therapy. Therapy just has limitations. Some people just have messed up lives and they don't excel beyond it. I just come here to vent not because I think the solution is here.

No I'm not both depressed and discouraged. Some guys marketed this whole idea to the extreme- the ones all sitting around in their business office wanting to sell Prozac to as many people as they could. I worked in health care.
Pharmacy = drug dealers run by big business.

monkeys used in medical experiments who have had their bodies messed up and have been in captivity for too long, well they are diagnosed with depression. There was nothing wrong with those monkeys to start with there was never a chemical imbalance in their brain when they were normal before the experiments. The title of depression infers that there is a defect in a person's brain chemistry or some crap like that. Unless the worlds foremost expert does a scan on my brain and does a urine test or whatever they do these days...IM not buying it. Its the wimp out explanation and there is no concrete evidence. Sorry but I need evidence at this point in my life before I'm going to just fall into a trap of believing somebody just because. People who are depressed they don't try to restore back to a better state. They are forever depressed, upping the dosage on their pills and crap. FORGET IT!

Yep, the therapist confirmed that it was ridiculous that my mother would suggest to me that I should become a nun as a solution.
That felt sort of good. Somebody else confirming that my mother is monstrously crazy.

I want to erase any damage, I do want to roll back time and make up for everything that seems to cause grief just from feeling how deeply (I missed out).    

I should be married, I should have a career, I should have a life. If I did maybe I wouldn't ever write on this board at all, maybe I wouldn't answer my mothers phone calls at all there would be no reason to, I would have a version of family that didn't include her.

Somehow its really not about my mother at all anymore because however she did screw me up, well the damage is done. It just doesn't help that she tells me I should join a convent. She is just retarded. Excuse the lang. I think she got it from a story about a great grandparent who was in an orphanage and then became a nun because that was common back then...

But then that would mean she is likening herself to an orphanage and me an orphan.

Heck if this was just a few decades ago somebody would be trying to give me a lobotomy.

sKePTiKal:
Hey... thought I'd let you know I more than kinda related to this:


--- Quote ---She said that she just wanted to reflect back to me that I'm closed off and basically I'm resistant and difficult.
--- End quote ---

This was one my own "symptoms" and you're absolutely right: there is a REAL reason for it. And yep; it sure 'nuff does LOOK LIKE depression on the surface - but it sure as hell isn't. But what's a T to do? When faced with a "no win" situation in a client, who's been facing it on their own long enough to want help... but doesn't know how to do what the T is trained to expect from a patient??

No one's fault, really. And not totally an impossible situation, either. And I guess you can butt heads, until someone "gives"... and that's one way to get past this. (But, a brand-new T might not have the experience or cohones to stand her ground against you; you've had a lot more practice being you the way you are - chuckle!) Or ... and this might be something to try... try writing to your T. I'm suggesting this, because a) - there's absolutely no misunderstanding you when you write; you're clear as day... and b) - I don't think you're closed off, resistant or difficult when you write. On the contrary - I feel I'm getting to know you! And I like what I know, so far.

You know how some people learn better by just listening? better than by reading? or how some people have to write something down to be able to remember it? Well - what I figured out about my own "symptoms" similar to yours above - was that it was way easier for me to write than talk to someone especially if the topic was intensely emotional. I literally get verbally "all choked up" - and my frustration level goes up accordingly - when I'm not able to make myself understood to another person, or they're choosing not to hear me, or I haven't found the right words to make it clear as day -- because I'm distracted by own emotions. I literally don't express myself verbally - the way I write here. Inhibition and being ignored and/or put down & criticized and shamed/humiliated does that to a person. It also sometimes manifests as "difficult", "resistant" ... because of frustration and anger and "closed" because of grief, loss, distrust... or in my case, fear.

I really think Dr. G was ahead of the curve, when he provided the board for us to write like this. He caught on... that for whatever complicated reason or theory born of working with people who were the "collateral damage" of PD parents... that we were FINALLY able to get off our chests (and backs...) the horrendously heavy burdens we lugged around that kept us "stuck" in our lives and rebuild new lives for ourselves... he caught on that writing worked better for some people, than talking.

I don't think you're depressed. You tend to find the simple good in each day - the sun and breeze, funny little animals - and that disqualifies you. Depression is Flat-Land; it's only 15 shades of grey (not 256); depression doesn't WANT to change or make things better - it doesn't believe that even exists. You know it exists and you want to start getting there for yourself. What helps, when one is in that spot, is a lot of validation - cheerleaders, people encouraging you when you run into the inevitable struggles this involves, people who can help you navigate those, and people who will applaud and celebrate with you each successful step you take... until you learn how to do this, yourself. (Coz Mama sure as hell didn't teach you this...)

I know you can do this, Star. It's not gonna happen overnight - it's not possible to just be teleported into that (wishes notwithstanding). It's a hundred, a thousand, itty-bitty steps and decisions and taking chances that makes up a long journey, right? And step one is the most important (but you've already taken that one).

I've often thought... that maybe a life coach would be more useful to you than a T. Someone who does have a T background (so she "gets" why it's foreign or difficult for you), but who's focus is: what can we improve about practical daily life first... to enable you to get to another "place" emotionally where you can seriously tackle the bigger things on your list? It's not like you're not able to work a lot of it out on your own - you've proven that here. But you're also starting to figure out that there are things you might need help with -- better help than is available to you right now and that you need to do some other things first... to make that possible.

What I'm saying is: you're already in the process of doing this - mentally, emotionally preparing yourself and making choices - and you simply need that partner in 3-D to help you with the practical stuff that "mama never showed you". If your current T can't do this or help you... maybe you to ADD someone else to the mix (not just replace)... and then save the T-work for those kinds of things. And maybe this T just isn't a good fit for you, too. You'll sure know, when it's "right".

You're already making changes; getting clearer for yourself. You're already doing what you know you want and need to do. You don't want to go back to the very beginning and start all over -- and you really don't need to. There isn't anything wrong with you that can't be put right - with a kind, patient, encouraging, creative-thinking partner or two.

I'd be willing to bet on your success.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page