Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Therapists

<< < (2/12) > >>

sKePTiKal:
'morning...

I'm not a night-owl, Boat... or I'd have been glad to chat with you last night. I've actually been feeling pretty needy myself, lately. But not as able to come right out & say it, like you do.

Hops makes a good point about how different carpenters use tools. And that really, you are your own therapist. LOL, I felt like I was paying my T to pretend to be my friend... to listen to me talk, to ask questions... but she never ever promised to do more than "help" me; "fixing" me just wasn't part of the deal. She also kept asking (in the beginning) about what I wanted - and ya know, I still don't walk around with any sense of an "I want..." list in my head! Me, want? What a foreign concept!! Now, need - that's a whole 'nother thing.

Except for the first couple sessions, she never took notes. She always wrote after the session. Of course, I showed up the first appt, with the introduction to Twiggy's story all written out for her; typed. Up to where my memory shut off. Occasionally, I did read her bits of my journal - as I came to realizations or had amazingly "telling" dreams... because I write more clearly than I speak. Verbally, I'm a babbling idiot. I'm better than I used to be - but when talking about personal things or things with a strong emotion connected to them - well, you know how cryptic I can be sometimes? Like I'm talking in code? Yeah. It takes someone like a T, to be able to understand what I'm trying to say - as I'm choking on the exact words.

But here's the deal - it wasn't any particular technique that helped me. It was simply the routine of showing up, talking, letting her suggest things and discussing them. It was feeling like I was connected to this other person and we were working together on a goal, that was the important part of the process. Yes, scientifically speaking CBT teaches us how to "think" differently. But again - that distracts from the important part of the process - which is, that over time one starts to FEEL differently. And after a couple years of this, "therapy" began to be a DIY project... except - and this was a huge exception for me - I needed the support I've received over the years, here on the board. It's like a was a wobbly kitten - I was up on my legs but had no idea how they worked. I needed tons of encouragement to counteract my learned patterns of putting myself down; feeling hopeless and helpless - even like I was a fake. (and gee... I'm still here - what does that tell ya?)

In some ways - therapy wasn't that much different than learning tai chi. There was a lot to keep my "monkey mind" busy - while the important stuff was happening at a completely different level. I needed my teacher's input; I needed and enjoyed the connection with my class mates. It was the practice, day in and day out, that was the important "work", too.

I wouldn't get too hung up on type of therapy; and if your T is doing something that bothers you - let him/her know, OK? I had to do a whole lot of different kind of healing, before CBT even worked for me... I just wasn't that integrated - me & my unconscious feral cat self - initially, for it to work. It even backfired a lot of the time - so we did different things. But every tiny little step added up to a whole journey.

Meh:
Having a cup of coffee, reading bits and chunks, have country music on radio going it's Keith Urban "Someday Baby" oh and Jason Aldean. Just noticed that some new person moved around all the stuff in the fridge and squished all my space out but what's new--Feh.

Thinking about the hypnosis Hops. I never knew that you had that done. Couple of evenings ago I listened to a radio broadcast about hypnosis, I guess I don't really understand it and is scares me a little bit like surgery scares people.

I hate love songs, isn't this some kind of torture and brainwashing for those of us who are the "others".

Today I'm inbetween considering a late night knitting project or doing something wreckless. I wanna run away. There is really nothing to run away from besides social workers and therapists that say the same ol same ol...and no where to run to just an unfamiliar landscape that I can momentarily be sentimental and excited about. I ask myself again "Who the h@ll am I?"
Maybe I should take that question to the therapist.

Meh:
Okay, what is the point of therapy. If we have a problem or are struggling we are told to "go see a therapist". But the point of therapy is not to fix us or the problem?

Supposed to be some kind of self awareness so we can make different decisions or some junkola like that in response to our problems.

No amount of therapy is going to make me more "lovable". I will just be better able to spout out some kind of psycho babble.

Therapist number nine pointed out that I said that I had a hard time in the past articulating myself and that she thought I was doing a pretty good job at articulating now (I think she is trying to point out that previous therapy WAS beneficial to me). But that isn't due to the previous 8 therapists it's due to my past work where I worked with people who had PhD's, its due to a communication class I took and it's also due to my rambling on this board..because eventually I figure out something about myself.

Meh:
Heya Bones and Hops and Phoenix, Thanks for the conversation. I read what you wrote, takes me a long time to digest it all.

It felt affirming to know that others out there have frustrations and uncertainty with the therapeutic process also. And also knowing that we go into therapists very raw and sensitive- Phoenix.

Bones, Thank you for pointing out the--one size does not fit all----piece. One size fits all approaches almost demonstrates a lack of thoughtfulness in some ways.

Also Hops the way you point out the expectations for a SUPER Therapist to the rescue....its so true.

Meh:
When I respond to myself 4 times I guess it's "all about me in my world" self absorbed. But I need to say something else and I can't make my boxes bigger, one big box is not working because of the jumping screen thing.

I'm supposed to string together bad low paying temporary jobs in lieu of a career. I'm also supposed to live in a low-income housing project with weirdo men in lieu of some place I actually want to be. I'm just supposed to adapt. This is part of the reason why I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. People are telling me to just do and just be what I don't want to be...a welfare loser.

There was more than one thing going on when I lost my stable good paying job and ended up here and one of the things was a frustration with my own loneliness and autonomy and pointlessness of not being a point in a constellation. Even if I have a career which is nice doesn't mean that I feel like I belong to somebody and somewhere. I don't feel like I belong in church when I go (And I have been going) or when I volunteer I don't completely feel like that is my place. Where and when am I going to belong I ask myself. In the past I never allowed myself to even say these feelings. They were too personal, being to prideful to just say this stuff. I think I need to admit it to myself though, not admitting it to myself if part of the barrier to having it probably. I want to be excited about something in the future. Something to look forward to, I don't SEE that and it's true I'm not motivated. Those A-hole social workers say I'm supposed to act like I'm motivated still. I was but I'm not anymore. I'm pissed and tired of the conversation with the housing person I don't know what to say to her anymore. I don't like her. Sometimes she puts out this energy like I'm a bad child. I will just take a high road, just tell her that I'm talking to a therapist about all of it. ---pshhh aww

These stupid social workers and therapists, I just need to get out of this trap. Its all intrusive, people who cant help and dont care as long as they get their paycheck, but im supposed to play along and report to them like a little kid telling their teacher "yes mam I did my homework"...just like  you told me to.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page