Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Wail o' the week

(1/12) > >>

Hopalong:
I'm okay, really. I just was thinking yesterday that how I was feeling at the end of the isolated painful workweek (politics and exclusion at work, boys' club expanding with another young man...boss manipulating the devotees, just trying to hold my balance...feeling older and less secure, but I think it's okay)...anyway, how I was feeling as I drove home in the dark was just a yearning to speak my feelings -- just the feelings -- and I did, partly, on the phone with a friend last night, and thought I'd do it more with my friends here. Take a Tums if you read on as this is just pure complaining (no grace to it).

D:
I feel so sad and lonely without word from my D. I feel partly that it's my fault because I was an enmeshing over-involved, clueless, double-divorced and either depressed-withdrawn or emotionally engulfing mother (read a description of 'closet N' and felt HORRIBLE, so bells were ringing) ... and the other part is I just ache from the sadness of her circumstances. I know she is afraid and angry and depressed and feeling more awful than I can imagine. And I am not the one who can comfort her, and her way of coping and healing is to be so LC with me. And it's okay. I even approve. I understand what's happening. It's just hard. I think because of the holidays -- didn't hear a word from her on Tgiving or Xmas, she doesn't return calls. I did hear from her by email 8 days ago, but that was just because she wanted to track a package I'd sent her. I also sent her money and food, etc. (Piece of me is hurt she never says thank you. But that's not giving unconditionally so I shut that up.) Part of the sadness is ... no family. She's it. He's dead (her Dad), I'm alone, and she's my only child. So there that is. (I will grow around this, build PHamily, and it even may be different one day. But that's the loss I feel.) When I'm feeling most self-pitying, I fear for my old age...either being abandoned by her, or worse (abused or exploited, if she hasn't become well and gotten back in touch with values). But I'm only 61, there's plenty of time for growth in us both.

Me:
I don't function right. I don't exercise every day. I don't eat well consistently. I need to fight hard to get a grip on rebuilding my health. My strength has tanked in the last few years. I often feel frail and weak, physically. I know this can be changed. I worry that I lack the will to do it. That's partly grief over D. And the feeling of isolation in the job. Sort of waves of "give up" come over me, too often.

Home:
My housemate has introduced a girlfriend I dislike. She just appeared and she's manipulative and my radar went off, to the point of paranoia. Part of it's because my tenant/housemate has always been responsible and considerate but impulsive, always falling in love and getting into sketchy relationships. I respect her boundaries a lot and because of the space, we've functioned extremely well in the same building but only a few minutes of interaction in the kitchen now and then--not even every day. The new person just appeared and has been staying here for days, and my housemate didn't discuss it with me in advance, so I felt my privacy was invaded. (Not that new person DID anything...it was just that my housemate went off to her job and left this other person here all day. My private papers etc are all out in the open in my space, and I just don't know anything about the person and whether she'd snoop. So I go off not feeling entirely secure about home.) I'm going to talk to housemate about it this week...she's been avoiding me.

Self care:
Finances is part of this, and taking care of the house. I'm way behind on both. When I come home, I immediately start escaping into bed, TV, laptop and/or reading. I do this all week long. I never, ever, do anything in the evenings to move my life forward. Partly I'm tired, partly I just want to escape. It ain't good.

NOT a wail:
I'm having my usual year-end resolve (spurt of interest) in dating, and have 2 dates set up. No thrills, just a sense that this is another piece of "practice" I should probably do. Normally, I do it a bit in the New Year and give it up.

That's it, dears. Think a whole lot of it comes down to discipline, rebellion, immaturity (at 61!) and such.

It would be just fine with me if anybody wailed about anything here...

xo
Hops

Meh:
Sigh, I'm reading Hops  8)


"Got to Kick up darkness till it bleeds daylight" --From song "Lovers in a dangerous time"

I like this, I don't know what the wailing wall is exactly but really every town should have a place to go to just for wailing.

I bet that you are not motivated to "move your life forward" because you don't see or believe there is anything in the future. Well at least that is what gets me. When I realized that hey maybe someday I will go to Hawaii (not too far fetched) I remembered what it felt like to have something to look forward for, to have little dreams, little "wants". maybe we have to play around to find something that inspires the mind enough to care to get through the doldrums and mundane tasks.

Sounds like you are de-energized and uninspired. I know how that is.

KayZee:
Oh Hops,

I don't think you have to worry one bit about being a Closet-N Mom.  There's no such thing as a perfect parent.  In the short time I've been on this board, your warmth and empathy has helped me on many a horrible day and I've watched it help many others too.  It is very clear to me that you are a caring, compassionate good enough mother, who's done her best to help her D but also respected her independence and given her space.  It sounds to me like you're feeling the frustration that comes with trying to help someone who refuses to acknowledge she needs help/won't help herself.  And that is supremely frustrating; it's maddening.  She's bound to come around eventually.  And if she doesn't, she's missing out.  Just keep being the lovely, genuine woman and mother you already are.

Have fun on your dates.  And send updates!  Practice, indeed.  But sometimes, when you least expect it....something much much more.

lots of love, Kay x

sKePTiKal:
Hi Hops! I've been hoping you'd post an update along these lines... I've been wondering how the you - who isn't just a role or relationship or function is.

I'm hoping you get to some peace soon, on the D situation. There is no "right" way to be in a relationship... and relationships necessarily change - up & down - close and distanced. I hope that in accepting the reality you could've done some things differently, you're not blaming yourself. After all, your D isn't totally helpless and without some accountability, too. She seems quite bright, despite the MI issues. Continuums... most of the time we're somewhere in the middle, right?

As to health improvement - well, I'm in the same canoe with you... someone was talking in their posts about motivation and I think for me, this is the real issue... and not so much will or determination or persistance. I know I can be an overbearing juggernaut when I'm totally clear about what I want and when I think what I want is worth it; worth fighting my way through my own bad habits and emotional sludge to get to. I wonder sometimes, how much those old N-patterns of relating affect this in us survivors? If, perchance, we absolutely "need" that dysfunctional relationship... a negative simuli... to activate those feelings, strength, and brain circuits?? You know: like a dare - OH... you'll never do that... you can't do that...   A close friend reminded me of the god-awful effects of doublebinds on our motivation, too. She's pretty heavy but otherwise also pretty physically fit. She made a bet with someone that she'd lose enough weight to be bikini slim by spring. Her mom constantly carped at her about losing weight, too... and now that she's watching portions and not eating emotionally... her mom is carping at her about how she doesn't eat enough to stay alive. She feels like there's no "win result"... no atta girl... no matter what she does. But I think we decided that SHE COULD JUST MAKE UP HER OWN and not depend on or care about getting it from mom. Why does this have to come from someone else, for us to think it's important enough to commit to???? (see above; it's what we learned - the "way it was" - with our Ns)

I think we're going to go for a bike ride this morning... which ought to make me realize just how much I've been "giving up" on this front; escaping, too. That's OK, though. Because here's the deal, Hopsy-m'dear... sometimes we have to hibernate; slow everything down like this and pull the cotton wool around us into a cocoon... to get through losses, grief, and even simple drastic change. It's OK that we do this... for a while. It's only when I start hearing the old abusive tapes in my head, that I haven't justified my existence on the planet because I didn't do this, that or the other things... while I'm craving that cocoon, with every fiber in my being... that I'm just totally messed up, miserable, and I start up the old dysfunctional scripts again... like a hamster who's programmed to run a wheel - even when no wheel is there. Then, I tend to cling & hide in the cocoon. So I make it a present moment cocoon... accept it fully and feel how much I needed it... tell the old tapes to piss off... and usually the next day, I feel as though I have more energy again. I think we've "needed" that cocoon for a long time... and that it's somehow related to the motivation above... and while life doesn't give us days on end to cocoon all at once... there's nothing wrong about making time for it each day or once a week... or whatever. The reason why we need the cocoon isn't always obvious.

"Shoulds" are one of the most evil, manipulative and unfair things about how we think, as people, sometimes. I mean who died & made whomever pronounced the "should", Queen??? Shoulds aren't very damn creative, either!! Now, the thought of a rebellious Hops... that's got my creative juices going! I wonder.... what is she like?? I kinda think that rebellion against that's been bad in our lives... is a GOOD thing, don't you?

Maybe I'll join up the disobedient daughters...

Meh:
Heya Hops, Yes, Good luck on your dates!!!!

That inspires me a bit. Where did you meet these guys that you want to date?? What are they like? Hum  :D

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page