Wail o' the week

[lighter]

Oh, Hops, I'm smiling ear to ear for you: )

Just remember, and I'm a little late posting this, but.....

if a man trys to change your NO into a YES,  he doesn't respect your boundaries or preferences.

Trying to change your mind is a red flag, and worth paying attention to.

lighter

[Meh]

Pur....Puuurrrrrrrr.

Nice Hops! Very nice, I'm glad you had an enjoyable evening eating pasta with a sexy actor.....Very very good.
 

[Hopalong]

Wisdom welcomed, Lighter...thank you. No turning Nos into Yeses. nonononononono

((((((((Bones))))))) -- I am telepathically sending you his little brother.

xxoo

Hops

[BonesMS]

Wisdom welcomed, Lighter...thank you. No turning Nos into Yeses. nonononononono

((((((((Bones))))))) -- I am telepathically sending you his little brother.

xxoo

Hops

Thanks, Hops!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

I just realized, PR, that what I'm describing is the lack of flirting.
I didn't want to flirt. I laughed and smiled and he did too, but it
was because we were enjoying a pretty animated discussion. He was
telling his life story though...and it wasn't a comical one. So laughs were
brief. But the storytelling, and the listening, were good. He talked a good
deal and I encouraged him to -- twice he mentioned that he didn't want
it to be all about him. That showed consciousness of not wanting to be a
monologuist (and from the other stuff he'd said he's clearly figured out that
he is, can be, was for a long time...self absorbed). I told enough of my story,
much as I wanted to.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... (she says, chewing on the pencil)....

You're absolutely right! Flirting might come later; might not... and it sounds like you enjoyed yourself and him. That's really all that's important, right? Talking... this is what we do in 1st grade... telling our life stories and what we've learned... at our age... getting to know if Mr. Interesting "does" as he "says he is"... and us, too.

Sweater sounds perfect!! I used to love oversized, chunky knit fishermen's sweaters. And you know, I'll bet you made a striking 1st impression.

[Meh]

Hows dating Hops?

[Hopalong]

It's not happening...I'm swamped in work. And my D is coming. And I'm behind on paperwork.
My job is consuming.

I am verrrrry ambivalent.

Or rather, maybe it'll happen again but the amount of time I have to focus on it is pretty limited.
So I'm not expected any momentum or regularity to it. Dating isn't an active verb in my life so much
as something that happens now and then.

(Actor has said he's having surgery and will be out of touch. I found that odd and do not care.)

Someone else has written, again a bit oddly -- like, do you want to meet and see what there is between us?
I perceive no "between us" (he's only chatted about weather and horses) but might as well say okay to meet.

Thanks for the reminder. It feels like work!

Hops

[Meh]

I know, I do this too Hops. It feels like I have to have energy to date, sometimes the activity of dating is energizing also!
Me too I'm ambivalent about people. I sort of like and dislike being ambivalent...Its nice to just be on the fence sometimes.
At least I tell myself I have the right to be ambivalent no matter what the other person says because I have the RIGHT to feel things out as much as the guy does.

It is work.

It's not happening...I'm swamped in work. And my D is coming. And I'm behind on paperwork.
My job is consuming.

I am verrrrry ambivalent.

Or rather, maybe it'll happen again but the amount of time I have to focus on it is pretty limited.
So I'm not expected any momentum or regularity to it. Dating isn't an active verb in my life so much
as something that happens now and then.

(Actor has said he's having surgery and will be out of touch. I found that odd and do not care.)

Someone else has written, again a bit oddly -- like, do you want to meet and see what there is between us?
I perceive no "between us" (he's only chatted about weather and horses) but might as well say okay to meet.

Thanks for the reminder. It feels like work!

Hops

[Ales2]

A little dating story for you. I'm 43, never married, no kids. Single, live with 2 adorable kitties (one 14yrs, one 2 1/2).

Met a guy, originally for business reasons, through a friend on facebook. Guy was interested asked me out, by im on facebook. I agreed to a date, then thought it over and he's really not my type. Overweight, 46, divorced, smoked cigars, drinks too much, talks too much and a namedropper. Not at all my time. I prefer a healthy, thoughtful, solid fit guy.

Anyway, we made a date, I prayed he'd cancel. When the day came, he had not called to finalize plans, so I called, but was already annoyed at his lack of follow thru. Low and behold, he canceled. I was relieved. Why did he cancel?  He spent the night in jail, because he got a DUI. NOT KIDDING. My intuition was correct, sadly.

Weeks past, he was sick and had not rescheduled. I wondered if he would or possibly, if that story could be a lie. So, I immed - he didnt answer my questions (odd and rude) and asked if I was "around on friday". I said yes, and before i knew it another date was made. This morning, I had already decided I wanted to cancel and seeign a friend get engaged last nite was a sign to me that I would not date any maybe's.  I have no interest in this guy and he is wormy, asks me out via im, doesn't make it clear its a date, wants me to meet him there and he'll "be with friends".
Anyway, so today comes along and I send him a note canceling, suddenly, then its a DATE and he tries to be cute. I wonder what he put his wife through...

The point is - I foolishly made a date with someone completely wrong for me, not once, but twice, No harm done really,  I should have said NO the first time!

[Hopalong]

Know what I noticed, Ales?

Never mind your faltering action the first time, the SECOND time you did cancel!

That's just as good as having done it the first time.
Doesn't matter when one "gets it" -- you're getting it!

I have a little shopworn anecdote about how for so many many years whenever I thought
of the expression "Two steps forward, one step back" about myself...the only word I ever
heard, deep within, was "back."

IOW, I gave myself no credit for the actual math, which was that I'd moved FORWARD.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

"Two steps forward, one step back" about myself...the only word I ever
heard, deep within, was "back."

Funny how this happens, when all your life, you've only heard the "back" from the people who matter to you... and never ever got the pat on the head or recognition for the forward. After a while, you feel as if the forward is a hallucination or a dream... and only the "back" is real. One starts to expect this...

Even funnier... I mean odd-funny... is why is it, that so many of us simply accept that interpretation from others and don't believe in, don't trust our own perceptions, intuitions, and rational brains. Why don't we ever challenge that? with those significant other people in our lives, that is. I think a lot of us have "given ourselves permission" to this in work and other social situations... why are some people harder for us to take on?

[Hopalong]

thoughtful query, PR...

I think for me self-doubt was crippling because I assimilated such a toxic sense of shame from
early religious training. Guilt and sin and fear just permeated, even wordlessly, something I
inherited (more from my mother's side, which was toxic evangelical with incest) ... about God,
being good.

So in any struggle to think something against the "herd" (if you can call a bland kindly
mainstream denomination a herd) -- I heard my own idiosyncratic and rebeilllious thoughts
and then I "heard" bellows of judgment, damnation and all that. Not actual bellows or in
in my actual church, but coming somehow from my intuition of my mother's fears.
I didn't undersand what they were about but I think that's why it was so hard to trust
my own girl-self.

It took me so many decades to work out that I passionately believe in original INNOCENCE.
I think that new belief was the bare beginning of the long slow climb to better (hardly perfect)
mental health.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I passionately believe in original INNOCENCE.

Me too, Hops.

And I'm pretty sure that's the source of my dogged persistence to find solutions; fix things and people - and refusal to let things go - and not just accept that "this is the way things are". I subject myself to the "IF ONLY's" a lot. And boy, is this misunderstood!
LOL....

[Meh]

Two steps forward, one step back" about myself...the only word I ever
heard, deep within, was "back."
Hops

Currently I'm on a kick on reading about relationships. I'm ashamed to even check them out from the library I kind of hold the books sideways so nobody will see the titled...goofball that I am. I noticed that sometimes I'm just so horrified by what I don't know of relationship to others, HOW much families LOVE one another, HOW much some people WORK at relationship, and how weird it is to even approach these topics when I have a blankness, a void, a scratching around in the dark to figure something out that is foreign. So for me the two steps forward...its like one step is survival and faith, and the other step is Total ignorance because THERE is so much I don't know about life and how to live. Things that others can take for granted about life and family and relation is Mystery to me.

[Hopalong]

one step is survival and faith, and the other step is Total ignorance because THERE is so much I don't know about life and how to live

I cannot believe I'm giving math-based 'advice' -- take with barrel o' salt, considering the source...but...

Boat/Tree/Starlight:

1 step forward = survival and faith
1 step forward = total ignorance openness/willingness to discover (seriously, those are also a fair translation of "ignorance")
-------------------------
2 forward
- 1 step mistakes, bad luck, necessary corrections
-------------------------
1 step forward

I think your two 1-steps minus one 1-step add up to FORWARD.
(Particularly since what you call ignorance is reported in the same post in which you describe your very persistent decision to learn...self-help books are a sign of HEALING! Just to be reading them is absolutely awesome. Do you know how many people never even TRY?)

hugs
Hops