Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
update - NC broken but will be maintained
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on May 18, 2012, 07:31:08 PM ---Had a blowout with my NMother this morning. I really dug into with the insults and for the first time ever, I told her what I really thought of her which is that she is a selfish whore, yep, I said it, I said that she married my Dad for his money and never cared about us kids, as is evident with the abusive treatment and neglect she's shown over the years. Argument started because I am starting my own business venture and we already have financial ties that need to be changed and she started in with the undermining and insults, she thinks what I am doing is a scam and that Im not qualified etc. This coming from a 75 year old woman who has not worked since 1968, when I was born. She married my Dad and had children which she clearly never wanted to avoid having to work. Dad became a very successful physician and we inherited nothing when he died in 2000. She's been living quite well of his money for 12 years now and during that time, has lied to us over the years about her financial situation while undercutting us kids (42 and 44) so that we remain close to her.
I was wrong in what I said, I mean in the sense that it was cruel, but I meant it and I feel its true. She never got the education she wanted, so she controlled and manipulated us to have one, discouraged my dating life and sabotaged numerous of my relationships and derailed my plans to own a home. Anyway, I still have a lot of resentment with her that comes out in these arguments although I feel so much better afterwards. She cant hurt me anymore than she already has, there is no chance of us ever having a normal relationship and I dont care to, so I just say.do what I feel. She incredibly uncaring and completely emotionally immature. There were a couple of areas where I should not have said anything, but not sorry that I did.
Ugh. Nice way to start the weekend.
--- End quote ---
Given what she did to y'all....she deserved it!
Ales2:
Since late March, I've been trying to forgive her and move on in my life, I was hoping that I had devoted six weeks to reading books and attending a couple of seminars, so the blow up was a real set-back for me and I feel bad about it. Not because of what I said, b/c that is true, even though books I've read say that asking for help to change your feelings can bring new levels of forgiveness and healing. I just feel bad because I thought I had developed more maturity and self control. Feelings justified, reaction was not.
I suppose I could also be cynical here - if she feels hurt (which she must since she hung up on me) she can blame herself, this is what NMothering taught me. Not a very mature attitude of course, but true.
In the practical sense, though, its stressing how important it is that I make better decisions, ones that promote NC, specifically, getting away from the financial bind I am in. Involving her in my new business venture out of necessity is NOT a good idea. I would be undermining myself by making this choice.
T really does suck, it was his suggestion that I talk with her.
Ales2:
Now I am thinking I was wrong about the Tist. The confrontation happened because I refused to gloss over the issues, be passive and take an easy NO. I assert myself and push for the answers, and explain my feelings, even if it was not entirely constructive and I hurt her feelings (In the past, I always backed down before doing this but allowed her to hurt me). In the past, I just avoided the confrontation and this made no progress in what I was pursuing or in being more assertive with others as well. He was right to say "talk to her" - its just another very negative experience I had that I learned I can get through (aside from feeling a little bad a bout it) even if it appears to have made it worse.
I thought his advice was bad, I think remaining NC is very important - but I can see that there is something to learn in not avoiding her either.
The end conclusion about not involving her in the business I think is still the correct decision, but not out of avoidance, out of knowledge that asserting myself wont work with her. Does that make any sense at all? In other words, dont divorce as a passive avoidance tactic, try to work it out, and divorce if it cant be worked out.
Twoapenny:
Hi Ales,
I found that talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall. In a 'normal' situation it's best to talk - sometimes other people don't know you're bothered by something they're doing and will try and do something about a problem if you let them know there is one. With my family, there is an expected code of behaviour and if you don't adhere to that, you're out. I tried repeatedly to talk to my mum and wrote letters trying to explain how I felt - basically asking her to see things from my point of view - and it just made her more angry and ramp up the behaviour. In the end, NC was the only way I could preserve my sanity. It was just too tiring to have to keep doing her dance. At least now you can say you tried. I blew up at my mum last year for the first time in my life and I loved it - it was the first time I hadn't felt scared of her and I let her have it. No, it isn't mature, or sensible, or what the books tell you to do, but you're human and you can't be expected to deliver your painful feelings in a neat and tidy way every time. Try not to give yourself a hard time over it. Regardless of whether or not she deserved it, you have probably got some stuff out of your system and, personally, I don't see why they should get away without a good tongue lashing after all the years of emotional abuse. It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing.
Ales2:
Thanks two for your post. I agree with you completely. Just to be a little more clear - when she doesnt understand something, rather than admit she doesn't know the answer and doesn't understand something, she can't be honest about who she is, so she will throw out a comment to undermine me and take the attention off her and put it on me. Its all comes back to me being incompetent and unworthy. It took me YEARS to see that dynamic at work and how it affects all aspects of my life. SHe will also lie, present false facts and compare me to someone else to make me feel bad and inferior. My cousin for example is 28 and bought a home. The truth is her parents don't believe in renting so they took out a home equity loan to help with a down payment. I've been renting for over 20 years now, looking at why others who are my equals buy homes and feeling inferior because Nmom doesn't believe in helping kids owning homes and verbally discouraged me at 39, when I told her I had lost 40k which was my down payment, her response was "what do you need a home for". Instead of saying, "you are smart and can do it yourself" she will compare us, demean us and belittle us. Her response to my cousins new home was that she works harder than me (an attempt to make me feel inferior), and that quite simply is not true. I've worked full time for over 20 years and saved money several times over and my cousin got her masters at 26 and has been working full time for only two years in elementary education, recently got married and bought the home. There was barely enough time to afford both the home and the wedding - she got both financial help and encouragement. I got neither. Parents are not required to help their children and can simply decline, but to lie, demean and belittle and then manipulate to get us to remain close is abusive. She has done something liek this in regards to my job, finances, friends, relationships, everything is a manipulation with her.
You are right about not giving myself a hard time over it - I'm an adult and I know I am smarter than that, but without making excuses, my buttons got pushed. On the other hand, I always took the high road in the past, but ignoring it and letting it go, when in fact it affected me deeply, so can't apologize for the raw emotions behind what I said. I do feel better for being assertive about her undermining and my feelings towards her.
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