Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on April 05, 2021, 12:38:30 PM
-
I have to tell you, NRP is super sweet to DD18. When I saw NRP, with both girls, it was on a triage/emergency basis during the custody trial.....it was like boot camp. Zero coddling for me or the girls. NRP had no bedside manner, was super critical and could tell if I veered off course by a tic tac. She actually made me spit one out, in her hand, like I was a child, come to think of it. This 3rd appointment DD walked out of the office with yummy snack bars containing 4gr of sugar. DD obviously has more choice in foods.
What I want to say is....,I'm glad DD is having a better experience, but I couldn't look NRP in the eye the first visit. It reminded me of....never mind what it reminded me of. It's better.
Food is easier, bc I know what to buy and DD is 100% on board, which was a waiting game for her to ask for help. DD pancreas, gallbladder and adrenal system weren't online, bc of digestion issues we're addressing now. DD eating solid food 3x daily and her system beginning to function again with support of good food and 5 supplements.
I ordered one of the Whole 30 cookbooks for myself and a friend struggling with chronic fatigue. See? I didn't blather on there about HOW she GOT CF battling a sociopath ex in court for many years while asshat male Judges failed her till
ONE
DID
NOT.
I won't erase that. I SEE it, note it and breathe.....I want to change it. I AM changing it. Noticing is the first step.
So, eating 3 full protein/complex carb/good fat meals is doing its job. Breakfast sets up our adrenals and hormones for the day. Everything rolls out from there. Cravings have gone after 3 weeks, blessedly.
I gave up all dairy, which might be the hardest part for me. Monk fruit and whole leaf Stevia work as sweeteners. Gluten replacements already in place, but I'm baby stepping back to only 1 carb a week. It's happening naturally, bc cravings releasing their grip....tough tough first 2 weeks.
We bought a used Blentec blender for the lake (70.00)and like it better than the Vitamix at home. It has cycles to choose from, can't say enough about it. Much easier. Less fussing and struggling with buttons. DD18 makes shakes with ice, almond butter, vanilla, monkfruit sweetener, raw zucchini, raw egg, salt and Veg-E Complete Pro Vanilla protein powder from Standard Process and whatever sf nut/oat or flax milk she's feeling. We tried a different powder last week...it tasted like dried and powdered bile ducts, perhaps bonine. Blech.
It would be amazing if DD20 wanted to eat this way, bc we're lining up for a struggle back home. DD20 will have to keep her food in her room. I'm taking a small fridge home for her. Moving boxes of tile tweaked my shoulder again, 2hich is worrisome and slows my roll getting that fridge upstairs.
My cousin has a new Grandaughter. Just lovely and I'm keeping my silence as she struggles to feed and comfort a bf baby. Oy, it doesn't always have to be that hard, or dies it?
Dunno'mate. I'm shopping for larger shower bench tiles today. It is glorious outsude!
Lighter
-
I ordered wrong Whole 30 book. Need THE book and not a cookbook.
-
Good luck.
It will be interesting to see what cutting out dairy does. Probably better digestion if nothing else.
-
Thanks, Mouse.
Dairy always upset DD's stomach, but there are other problems now with digestion.
J added Bernadine back into mix of supplements bc of digestion distress. Gallbladder, pancreas and adrenal system are holding their own now.
I decided to see J again bc we drive 3.5 hours for one 15 minute appointment. I feel better than I have in 15 years, emotionally. Might as well tackle the physical.
Last night I ate what will be a last piece of fruit for a while....maybe forever. The last time I saw J she had me 100% off g/s/d, including all fruit. I was allowed 1 gf carb a week.
That looks a little crazy but my brain for cleared, my body changed in amazing and unexpected ways I didn't expect it even care about. My nose stopped running, but eating pristine us really really really hard. Particularly since the world is full of non food and people enjoying it all around.
And there are sticking points....
Loved whole milk in coffee. Now it's ghee and Stevia....coffee no longer a happy pleasure. It's sadness.
Having clean irganic protein on hand, in amounts making up for zero simple carb intake, is hard.
Eating that much protein is a chore, but the cravings leave pretty quick, ime.
Giving up the things I enjoyed....a tangerine for instance, which dd18 CAN have....I think I'm in a sort if mourning.
If anyone has a 100% monkfruit or whole leaf Stevia source, please hook me up.
Whole Foods us dropping prices on organic greens, btw.
An added stress is helping a GA friend eat clean, bc she asked and her health us critical at this point. DD and I leave J's office, drive to friend's (D's) house and I spend 2 hours cleaning, organizing and last night cooked a bug meatloaf and bone broth, leaving an organic rotisserie chicken in the fridge for quick meal prep.
And her fridge is stuffed with fresh produce. I was overwhelmed....did she buy a months worth of groceries at one go? I can't be there to do this for her, so things are whonkey. I think of things to tell her on 1.5 drive to lake, then forget in morning.
And things will calm down, I know. Routines will be shaped. Routines will be grappled with.
Everything moving in upward trajectory.
I want to share J's rule about NOT eating the same food 2x in a row. We're supposed to mix things up, which is another stucking point.
The journey continues and I'm not winching about this. I'm on board. Change isn't easy, that's all.
Lighter
So, I'm relieved on one hand and so so sad
-
Maybe I'm reading the labels wrong, CB. I'm not seeing whole leaf on packaging in our stores.
::heading to Amazon to look::
DD18 prefers the monk fruit, but that seems impossible to find 100% mf.
I'll check our local Co-Op. Thanks for your input, CB: )
Lighter
-
Dd18 doing well her food choices. I'm on second week and the cravings have gone. Mostly we're not hungry, but every once in a while WE ARE. Planning ahead is imperative or we're cooking 3 full meals every day.
Taste buds are changing. Food is different when the brain all but stops sugar seeking and sugar is in everything, often hidden.
I guess food feels kind of flat. Coming up with new ideas isn't easy. Eating zero simple carbs is an altered state of being, IME.
I'm sleeping better.
DD18's digestion keeps improving. Things were very scary for a while.
Nutritionist said I have an immune challenge....not a fire, but low coals smoldering....viral. Gallbladder and liver need support. Adrenals, of course, need support. The plan is pristine eating, supplements 3x a day and weekly appointments till balance is restored and body handles challenges on its own.
I'm walking minimum of 10 brisk minutes a day. DD joins half the time. Cold blasts of water in the shower. Daily one nostril breathing prescribed.....slowly breathing 10x through nostril with least air flow. It's really hard bc left nostril always mostly blocked. I had to build up to 10x. It feels like suffocating.
To bed now.
Lighter
-
DD18 is asleep. She went to bed early last night and got up at 7am. Her body is repairing itself as she sleeps. Her digestion continues to improve.
We don't limit the amount we can eat. What a strange landscape to find ourselves eating on schedule when we're not really hungry....trying to eat more instead of limit portions.
It's the upside down world.
We made "muffins" last night with
1 c coconut flour
1 tsp baking powder
12 whole eggs
8 Tbs melted ghee
4 Tbs canned coconut milk
2 TBS honey
Vanilla and salt to taste
We sifted the dry ingredients together then mixed lightly to incorporate ingredients, careful n9t to overmix.
The timing was about 15 minutes, bc recommended 20 burned the bottoms a bit.
I'll add more salt next time, but I have to tell you....
Muffin, any way you like it, warm, cold or room temp, is fantastic with coconut milk whipped cream. There's 1 gram sugar, not a good thing, but those bites are spectacular in the mouth, ime. Highly recommend if you like custard like cake tasting a bit like coconut. Last night I added raspberries, such a great.
The temp was 400 DEGREES! DD set the oven. If you add cinnamon it tastes like French toast muffins.
Recent meals include white chili with pork and plenty of fresh jalapenos with added pickled peppers.
Baked chicken breasts with crunchy almond and parm topping. We can have hard cheese bc dairy removed.
Baked chicken legs with ghee and dry bbq rub, yum. Will be making those different ways, bc easy to find irganic and so inexpensive. I can make a Sheetpan full for about 6.00, whoo hoo. Yummy leftovers.
We like sauteed greens with garlic. I mix leftovers into other things or have them later.....easier to cook more ahead to have on hand.
We enjoy curry chicken every week. Sometimes we make curry zucchini ahead to have on hand.
There's no rice or bread or pasta and, shockingly, we don't miss it. I think feeling full makes our brains feel obligated to eat the nutritional stuff, knowing there's no hunger or room for big carbs.
DD has been craving dark chocolate and I have not. Nutritionist said it's an indicator DD missing magnesium....maybe other things.
This is one of the big mysteries, bc DD typically hates chocolate of all kinds and I love it.
Upside down world.
Lighter
-
NRP told Jenna it will take her body 18months, not weeks, to heal her gut. Much longer for me, bc I'm not shooting all those growth hormones younger people have to spare. Week 1, DD's gallbladder, pancreas and adrenals weren't online. She wasn't digesting. Digestion threw everything off.
This put things in perspective, for me. This is getting off the Western treadmill of eating, to become sick so big pharm can treat my symptoms with drugs, creating more problems with symptoms to be treated with drugs, creating more symptoms till I die in a spiral if sickness and medical treatments isn't how I want to spend the years I have left.
I read over that paragraph and think...that's dramatic, but is it? Unfortunately, it's the norm in this culture. Not my opinion. That's how I see it.
Everything has sugar. We need a degree in chemistry to understand labels. We need a magnifying glass to SEE labels in some cases.
OK. DD supplements are standard Process
Berberine Active
Cholacol
Multizyme
Zypan
Choline
Garlic Forte just added to handle something bacterial....gallbladder related.
We're both on Adrenal Tonic Phytosynergist, double the recommended dose. DD18 just finished that and maybe one other thing....I'm on second week of Adrenal Tonic. Adrenals messed up, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER with therapy....I forget better isn't healed or normal. I don't really remember normal, truthfully.
I also take:
Antronex
Immuplex
Betafood
The Tonic ingredients are:
Rehmannia Root
Ashwaganda Root
Echinacea Root with purified water, alcohol
and maltodextrin.
My gallbladder and liver needed support. They improved, but adrenals took a dive, bc but I'm trying to work on that.
Lighter
-
I have some healthy anger coming up around eating "healthy"food, while omitting chemicals and inflammatory food stuffs being labeled "dieting", generally, in our culture.
It's negative and destined for failure if one shifts back to eating things considered "normal".
We're sheep? Maybe, but we're conditioned and programmed from birth. With man made baby formula and advertising.
Eating real food isn't dieting, but we single ourselves out as difficult, I know.
Hard to feed, eat with, be fed by. When we explain it, bc people ask, we're preaching crazy talk, bc they do
Not
Want
To
Hear
What
We're
Saying
About their food choices.
I don't want to say it, believe me. I'm tired of saying it and more tired of people having surgery, taking meds and spending their life savings in the final months of their lives.
And this is my thread, so I will go on about it a bit more.
I know I hurt my liver with meds to calm my shoulder injury. I'm tending to it now. Will take some time.
I know the majority around me will always see healthy food choices as dieting, a fad, stupid, elitist hippy dippy stuff...and May be a little scary, bc.....look at our society. There's undeniable truth about what we do to ourselves with food....just look around. Look at ourselves.
And I'm working on not feeling anger, though it's useful just now, imo.
I'm wirking my way towards acceptance and turning away from what's taking my attention, over and over.
I have other things I want to feel and do with that time.
Lighter
-
Whatever other people choose to eat, is their job to decide. You do you - and if that means you bring something you CAN eat with you to social gatherings, so be it. I've often eaten (not religiously) in alternative ways. "Diet" as a word, isn't accurate enough to explain to others because of the connotation with weight issues. No way that association is going to change quickly.
Other ways to express your food choices would be:
conscious eating
clean food philosophy
medicinal nutrition
I like that last one the best, because it means you've accepted that the food you eat contributes to your overall well-being; you are responsible to you for adopting that -- and in no way does it imply that others should eat this way; they are free to make their own choices without judgement against those choices. It also, I think, makes discussing commercial food and alternatives, a little easier without triggering people's auto-reflexes of defensiveness.
Do I see the parallel between my parsing & selection of words and how they're presented? OH YEAH. (The irony of this being a "voicelessness" board hasn't escaped me.) To my own ears, it's overly "precious" and self-effacing. But that's our world these days. Even just saying what personal choices you've made is often taken by others as a prescription for everyone to follow - or else. Annoys the hell outta me, but this too shall pass... and I have full permission from my self to blurt out the blunt truth (as I see it) without consideration of time, place, audience or "appropriateness". Knowing full well, I bear the brunt of any hurt feelings or consequences. The irrepressible "know it all" and "smartass" in me, simply can't be restrained ALL the time.
LOLOLOLOLOL. ;) So be angry; I'm OK with that. One of the reasons I hate being "out in the world" is because there are so few options for eating good clean food. McDonalds even found a way to over-process salads for cryin' out loud.
-
Really rough morning, but not with food. Applegate ham, Turkey and breakfast sausages are expensive, but easy quick meals, at least for me. I enjoy avocado, tomato and primal mayo wrapped up in ham...si quick. Has everything. No cooking.
Last night dd20 sat and talked with me as I happily munched down an entire package of ham like that. Perfectly ripe avocado and tomatoes....mixed greens already washed.
Dd20 said she'd likely want to eat the same thing when she gets home from work today. That would be great since she's been living in ramen noodles like a college student. It's devastating to her health.
We clean out fridges and freezers this weekend.
I decided to get rid of the non stick pans, which will serve several purposes.. decluttering, organizing and any health risks nonstick coatings pose. Anyone research nonstick coatings?
Amber, using terms like "prescriptive" eating appeals to me very much. No hoo hoo hippy in that to trigger people. My brother and his gf were super defensive about food after his gall bladder removal. My sister and I went a little frantic sending and making food...,trying to explain eating clean vs eating inflammatory foods. Even after sis and I stopped talking about it, brother and particularly gf just kept talking and talking about it. I wanted to stab my ears till so finally pointed out they were the only ones still talking about it. I knew I wasn't their mother. I agreed what they are was none of my business. I stopped short of apologizing for caring and going out of my way to do what I could....trying to help in my own way.
It's the same feeling I had when I tried to stop my father's brain surgery debacle. I so clearly SEE where it's leading. The consequences will affect my life too, but it's not my business.
CB, it IS hard raising kids around everyone else's kids whoofing down McDonald's and candy and cokes. It got better once we moved here, but it's exhausting. I would have had more grocery store breakdowns if I had diabetic children, I can tell you that.
Taking a break from cooking 3 meals a day is helping. If we can clean out freezers, begin stocking easy to heat leftovers and organizing the food and travel better....foid will get easier.
Thbanks for the input. It's helpful.
Lighter
-
Lighter, I personally don't offer advice or suggestions to the majority of people any more. I've found over the years that whatever the other person's situation is (and whatever it is that might help them) that if they want to find out or know about something, they'll ask or go looking for it. There are some people I know are open to it but I think most of us are on a path and other people offering information that involves change maybe feels more stressful? People who know me know my lifestyle and know which things I know plenty about, and they know I'm happy to help. So if someone asks, I'll say, but other than that I tend to not mention things - or I might mention once (if you want info about x then I've got some you can have) and I leave it there. One example is a friend of mine who had cancer a good while ago (ten years or so). I had a cancer scare when my son was young - pap smear result suggested cancer was present and urgent action was needed. I bought a nutrition book, ate everything it suggested and took large doses of the supplements they listed. I had further exploratory tests done a few weeks later and everything came back clear. The doctors were so surprised they thought there had been a mix up at the lab and sent everything back to be tested again. I don't know whether those large doses of vitamins cleared that cancer away or if it was a mistake and it wasn't there in the first place, but it didn't hurt me to take them so I'd do it again in the same situation, you know?
So when my friend got cancer I bought her that book, bought some of the supplements listed in it for her, kept sending her articles about don't eat this, don't touch that and so on. She ignored pretty much all of it, cut down on smoking and drinking but didn't stop, the cancer did go away but the treatment was aggressive and made her very ill. She has the cancer again now and I did send her some info about getting hold of cannabis to treat it (it's illegal here but there's a 'network' of people that grow and supply it for medical situations) but she's not gone down that road. It's unlikely she'll survive, even with treatment and if it were me I'd be rubbing bird poo in my eyes if there was some random chance it might help but she isn't and that's her choice. I think maybe that's the thing - other people's choices are theirs to make. It's hard but I think we can only walk our own path and other people have to walk theirs. i am liking the sound of avocado, tomato and ham wraps :) You're doing a grand job xx
-
So true, Tupp. We can't walk anyone else's path. No matter how badly we'd like to help.
Lighter
-
NRP listed coconut oil and ghee as safe for higher heat cooking. Olive oil for lower heats. Avocado oil good, forget what for.
Pretty much everything else is bad, so we threw out the grapeseed oil we'd been using for some high heat cooking.
By the time NRP explained Canola oil, from Canada, originally used for engines or something mechanical till someone got the idea CHEAP, let's sell it for cooking oil too...I was not ok.
When water came up, RO filters were, in her opinion, best. The expensive little Britta filters were "useless."
Before Covid I was schlepping 5g water bottles to fill with RO water, but switched to the Britta, bc I didn't have to leave the house to manage it.
For some reason, and partially bc I'm already stressed, and my brother had just asked why his kids, who eat junk, are healthy as horses while my kids aren't....
I just lost the thread of keeping myself together.
I reminded my brother, gently, in that earlier discussion his DD had seizure disorder and ADHD when she was very young and her Neuro doc finally admitted to my brother nutrition played a large part.
Brother drifted away from the subject at that point, but I was picturing my niece, blue, dead in his arms as far as he could tell, terrified......I was thinking about his son's skin problems, and then my brother's gallbladder surgery and fatty liver and how often I'm left standing there....truly horrified I'm"right" again came to mind. I'm so tired, bone deep, of being " right."
Then I had a flashback...
My brother didn't know I secured my father's MRIs from the hospital, made 2 appts with neurosurgeons and attempted to stop my father's brain surgery, bc it was likely to go worse than it actually did.
And there's something for my mindfulness thread, bc I have always neeeeded people around me to be OK, responsible, just.
So, yesterday when the NRP talked about the chemicals we shower with and drink and eat I was not ok.
I couldn't really form words. Or breathe. Pretty much all day.
She stopped the session and suggested I "see someone I can talk to" The despair dropped away for a moment. I've heard that so many times. Oh....and I'm supposed to breathe out of one nostril of my completely clogged up nose. I saw the humor...for a moment.
It's really difficult to eat clean, healthy food exclusively.
It's compounded by everyone I know and love, almost exclusively, eating chemicals and unbelievable amounts of sugar at every meal and snack.
All around me.
Sometimes smugly.
Maybe it's old trauma from Dad's brain debacle. Maybe I'll outlive my little brother and watch his likely BPD ex wife parent my now grown niece and nephew into....
See? I knew this belonged on the mindfulness thread.
I'm going to try breathing for a while.
Lighter
-
Aw, Lighter ((((((Lighter))))))))). It is hard to manage these big changes, new information, old stuff coming up, and then smug conversations with people eating burgers :) I think the thing with health is that so much is hidden, and we all start from different places. I remember moaning about people I knew (when I was seeing a nutritionist) who smoked, drank, ate loads of crap, while I was busy making beetroot and carrot juice at 5 in the morning and spending most of my day washing and prepping veggies and 'healthy' cakes for son. I said "it's not fair - we've got loads of health stuff to deal with and they don't have any health problems at all". She said, "they don't have health problems - yet". People can be literal ticking time bombs; we all know someone who just had a massive heart attack and dropped dead, despite never having had any heart problems that they knew of, and others who live a really healthy lifestyle in order to cope with trauma from childhood or rehabilitate after addiction and they still get ill - there can be so many factors, some within our control, some not. You're doing what's right for you, and that need to be responsible for everyone else can cause sooooo much stress. Maybe just take a break from people for a while, so you don't see others eating all that stuff and you can just focus on what you need to do. It's alright for it all to feel crappy for a while, under the duvet with ham and avocado is perfectly fine for a while xx
-
Food still a bit if trauma for me, but DD18 and I embrace the darkness with humor. She's also very compassionate with me and super supportive right now....watching for upset, which means I get things off my chest proactively and stopped stuffing stuff.
I'm a terrible liar with my face....just terrible in general with it. Lots of processing.
T texted with appointment.
Our stomachs have been very upset so more opportunity to chuckle at the darkness together with all the travel and juggling of people and tasks.
NRP very nice, and less judgy lately.
It helps.
Lighter
-
Lighter,
I think I'm not keeping up on your thread somehow! Who is NRP? And I didnt catch the part about the food trauma--is the new diet traumatizing, or is it something else?
Hope the tummy upset is a blip, or at least an expected consequence of all the food changes!
CB
-
Nutritional Response Practitioner..NRP, CB.
Food a trauma since DD20 dx'd with entire body infection in 2012? I think. High fasting insulin levels. Low stomach acid. Leaky gut syndrome. She had asthma and allergies from age 2. Weight gain from 3rd grade, which correlated to public school breakfasts and lunches, BUT also with visits to my In Laws in 2008 and I suspect MIL poisoned DD with heavy metals during one particular visit where DD went on visit without her younger sister AND came home calling me a liar, thief, murderer, saying Grandma told her she didn't have to listen to me anymore, she was getting a new mommy and daddy, etc. I think MIL was unstable before she lost her son. Afterwards, she was overtly unstable. Attorneys talked about FIL and MIL being crazy....."but MIL was really crazy." I'm deadly serious in that statement. Aside from everything you want to believe or what personal experience brings up.....my MIL is terrifyingly vengeful and thinks of my kids as extensions on ME. She's convinced herself her son isn't the father.....I think she did it so she could do what's she's done.
That's difficult to reconcile, bc...what sweet grandma would poison her own grandchildren, right? Emotionally and physically, right?
So, DD dx'd with Lymes and heavy metal levels off the chart. Obesity. An MD said heavy metals a part of why she gains weight like she does. We did oxygen chamber therapy. Chelation, nutritional response testing, supplements and zero g/s/d. I saw inflammation drop off DD and ME while we were eating more food....the food has proven to be the key, IME.
Eating that way, while dealing with organizing and serving g/s/d free meals, along with handfuls of supplements with 4th and 6th grade daughters, during custody trial in another State....4 hours away from my war room of legal documents, was trauma. Food was trauma, bc the girls were just kids struggling with it too, but DD20 was pre diabetic and NRP barking at me.....DD20's health was seriously compromised and scaring me badly....I was breaking doen in grocery stores looking for things we COULD eat while finding everything we couldn't....zero sugar on labels hard to find. DD20 was addicted to milk and cheese....she screamed and screamed and I clutched little boxes of single serve milk while trying to deal with the screaming in the middle of the trial prep paperwork and fact In Laws successfully bought off court appointed Therapist doing assessments on both girls and In Laws, but managed to make assessments all about ME, which meant I had to be assessed AND hire another T to come to our home and do assessment there and in the girls' school to combat the hit job assessments the incompetent T did in her office...
:: big breathe::.
It was terrifying and one if the hardest years of my life, so ya.....forcing us to eat clean oritien all day, with clean veggies and ONE carb a week with ONE meal was traumatic, bc it was part if a larger trauma.
I neeeeded to clear up brain for so I could get through the trial and 50 boxes of documents from 10 or so other trials we always won,or had reversed and ended up winning, but it was expensive and meant to Starve us out.
DD20 never looked better, btw, bc NRP knew what she was doing. I could think clearly and list 20lbs, unintentionally, bc NRP was goid at what she did, even if she was smacking me around emotionally a bit and scaring me about DD20's health.
Back to DD20's health.
I know this is a stretch and seems I,believable, but I suspect MIL of gaining access to heavy metals and Luke's disease with or without her MD sister's help through her job and access at the CDC.
The final piece of evidence was a letter written by MIL to the Assistant District Attorney stating her sister suggested MIL's son wasn't the father if Lighter's children. MIL offered her son's baby hair for DNA analysis to prove this was the case, which explains, in my mind, how MIL could do what she did.....she identified my children as extensions of ME. Nothing to do with her son, my husband, the girls obvious father i, that they look so much like him....it's uncanny.
Once my mother was dx'd with cancer I moved in with my disabled father and his caretaker who kept the house full of g/s/d and sabotaged me and the girls at every turn.
I was trying, and lisi,g the battle. Add feeding my mother and sf....both of them were losing weight in scary ways....I needed mom to eat something, even as she starved to death, bc the cancer was stealing all her nutrition and the chemo was killing her appetite.
I had 1 fruend doing the same g/s/d free food plan and her home was a refuge in a world of people scoffing down junk foid in front of us while scoffing at the idea if food being of any importance to health.
Truthfully, the legal made it easier to eat right, bc I had to think more clearly to survive and fight that trial, which lasted more much longer than both criminal trials put together, while crushing the girls with3 different psych evaluations during a summer we were supposed to travel to Canada for a vacation we'd never get.
By that third T's examination my youngest DD was barking "that's clasdified" at the T, and he told the Judge he I,derstoid it, the kids were being harmed by the evaluations,travel and threat if being taken away from their one present parent by grandparents who'd refused to see them for 2 years while claiming Lighter denied them all access to the girls, bc accysing Lighter if what they were doing, or what their son dud, was a strategy they employed regularly, and was effective till it was time to prove their case.
I ended up dusproving their negatives and paying lawyers to help,me,, which was the important thing for the In Laws....to starve us out, create fear and punish me for killing their son, which is logical until you're forced to prove the In Laws were engaged in illegal heinous fuckery against me AND the girls beginning 2 years prior to their son's death, which was the only reason my final, kick ads ex special forces attorney agreed to take my case at all......bc the vengeance began 2 years prior to ASPFh's death.
The in laws were allowed to bring cases they had no standing in....they won appeals, bc they were, for a time, sympathetic characters.
For all the above reasons, and bc my brother eats fast food g/s/d, drinks red bull mixed with vidka, still, after dd18 fatty liver and gallbladder removal.....with most if the world eating that way around us....while DD20 went from size 14/16 eating what I brought into house, to maybe size 22 or larger now, and DD18 spent 2 years dropping 1/3 if her body weight in an anorexic spiral.....
Food is a trauma.
I have a lot to talk about with T, yup yup yup.
It's all connected, CB and yes I k,or how whacky it is to read.
The thing is, I consistently tell only truths, even if I sometimes do it with emotion. I'm usually reporting facts, as they really are or report them sans any exaggeration.
That the truth is rotten often colors people's perceptions of me for saying terrible truths out loud, but those are likely understatement if the true facts involved.
It's a recurring fact my story checks out, over and over again, with zero lies, ever, while opposing side gets by with wild accusations I'm forced to disprove in court, over and over till the last Judge awardedme all my legal fees in that matter....should have been over 100k had my ATTIRNEYS not dropped several balls I asked them to carry.
People, esp my attorneys, always assumed everyone lies...including me. They're always stunned when the evidence unfolds and I was really understating and refusing to rmbellish. Not bc I'm pure or goid, but bc I'm driven to align my external workd with my internal world.
I needed and still maybe need people to see and I,fresh and the truths....perhaps judge me, bc that's who I am.
My dd's father and his father battled weight all their lives. My FIL, who is at least 80yo, eats 1 meal a day and jogs 2 miles in army boots to control his weight.
My ASPDh worked out 7 days a week and drank protein shakes while living on turkey, cheese, bread at dinner.
My dd20 has 30% more body fat bc she's female. I wanted her to have more than one meal a day and a lifetime of excersising like a maniac, which just makes her hungrier.
She can eat more, work out normally and be healthy, ime. She just has to stop eating things her brain lights up over. She needs to eat more food, but nutrition dense foods....and that is sad and hard and near impossible when most everyone eats g/s/d and her eating disorder T told her all foods are good foods. I thi,I that T was an anorexic doc, frankly....did far more harm to DD20 than good. That's when the real weight gain began, bc living on ramen is "good."
Makes me want to pull my hair out!
For f's sake. Sabotage.
I'll likely edit this rant, if you make through, so please don't quite me in rezponses.
I'm going to work on 3rd bed and bathroom layout now.
I'm not unhinged right now, but I notice holding my breath and feeling some frustration. I wonder how I drove across 3 States, while caring for 2 children, doing trial prep without my peripheral vision and all but blind in left eye with cataract, I truly do. My sister helped. That's how I did it. She helped me save myself over and over again at the expense if her own family.
Neeeeding professionals to do their damb jobs keeps poppi,g up for me, Tupp.
Being sabotaged by them, while paying them abd being badly threatened or harmed by them, is a sad reality, ime.
Almost zero accountability, screw not bein believed when tell I,g these stories. Matters not as long as I get it. Not everyone has the scope if experience to get it.
Still.....hiw will anything improve if there aren't any consequences for sabotage and dismal failure in jobs entailing large responsibility For care and protection of societies least powerful members?
Money talks.
Thank God enough good people stand up, for the right reasons with nothing to gain. Speaking generally, not specifically about my situatio.
There are people willing to stand up to power. That has to be enough for now.
I rabbit holed, CB, but food is scary and MIL fed my kids cheap donuts for breakfast while claiming I was killing the girls with food.....under oath. It was satisfying when my attorney asked permission to open cheap little cards and gifts MIL Schlepped into custody court to prove I was denying her access. Some of the packages had no a dress. Some required signatures at my mother's address where she lived part time. There were dollar store books and......
Wait for it.....
Candy followed by a lot of stuttering from MIL explaining why her feeding the girls junk wasn't " killing" them. Mind you, I was struggli,g with zero g/s/d while MIL makes wild accusation after wild made up stuff she's doing, herself. I was tending to the girls while In Laws tormented us in the courts and finally just admitted it in the end. It was veangence, ya the kids were harmed by their actions, so what? Very enlightening for everyone in the courtroom....only my family and friends. That kind of heinous fuckery doesn't call for supporters in the court room...witnesses, that is.
Food is hard right now, bc dd20 eating terrible inside our home. I can say....it is killing her.
My mother was starving to death with cancer at the start of that custody trial. I'd cook anything she wanted to get her to eat while My kids were in the basement playing games, eating healthy, taking supplements....me upstairs. It wasn't ideal. It felt very......hard.
It feels very hard now.
Lighter
-
I still pray, CB. More often for others, but it feels right when I do.
Thank you for the kind thoughts. If it doesn't read that way, I'm in a much better head space than I was.
I have strategies and tools, if only I could deploy them consistently.
This food thing is......I have niece's 21st birthday party coming up. Before that plan, before hard switch to pristine eating....food was problem with my brother at Christmas.
The holiday blew up and I was so sad I wouldn't get to spend time with niece and nephew baking and decorating gf Christmas cookies in a clean kitchen....fill it with more and new memories while sis and BIL visited from Canada. It was lining up, in my head, to be magical holiday, then poof. It went away.
And it's coming back up again. I can't trust myself not to burst out crying at the gathering WTH?
I know what to work on with T on Monday.
There also has to be rules around family discussions....no politics or religion. I know my brother feels he's saving us....his intentions are pure.
Well, I promise not to talk about food, even as we navigate awkward moments around skipping cake and bbq....I really love bbq.
I hope he can calm his nervous system enough to stop talking about politics. I see him try.
Focusing on kids and projects and the best of what we'll do with the time we have left is plenty enough, I think.
Lighter
-
Hops: I think people focusing on eating real food, sans chemicals etc are viewed as what you asked me about earlier. Didn't have time to respond.
We're viewed as having eating disorders, bc we aren't eating what " normal" people eat?
Maybe.
It sure is hard dropping all the addictive food choices shoved at me every time I turn around, I won't lie. Really hard.
Real food, sans chemicals, is pretty boring stuff, imo. My brain wants exciting foods!
Excluding ALL inflammatory foods might appear like a sickness if I didn't know how my body heals and changes....feels when I'm pristine with choices.
I'm not strictly pristine right now. It is....
a goal, to be sure.
Lighter
-
I hear you, ((((Lighter)))).
When I ran across the term orthorexia I didn't think of it as a critical judgement or a diagnostic or shaming label, just a new term I hadn't known about. It's true I thought of you, but just in hopes that if that sandal fits in your own view, the info (if new to you) might possibly wind up being helpful. (I spend way too much time in rabbit holes on the internet. And also way too much time trying to fix others.) FWIW, this is what I read: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia). One of those dire sites that spells out what might be wrong, not what's working well, of course.
I realize (really for the first time recently) how very significant the issue of eating disorders has been for you and your DDs, and am just getting my head around how incredibly scary and deeply difficult that must be. I am so sorry you've been carrying all this for so long. And I can imagine how desperate you must've been feeling for the right solutions, right diets, right foods, etc.
Sending you peace around all of it, as much as you can receive. You deserve not to live in such a fearful state. From any source. You've got trusted tools and practices that I hope will help you just as much as you've tried to share them to help others. I'm not suprised at all that it's hard to stay centered right now when you perceive your kids are endangered. I do agree with other posters that they must accept the torch of responsibility, and that it must pass to them. But from my experience with my own D, I sense how excruciating it can be to release a child to their own consequences. It's the biggest fear and pain I've ever had to process in my life. Years out, I know there was no other alternative. But...letting go. It's so hard.
big hugs and much comfort,
Hops
-
CB, thank you for your response. I feel validated and understood. Super grateful.
Hops, I spoke to my T this morning and have more clarity around what's mine to solve and what's not.
I've been carrying a lot and I'm still wrapping my head around parenting adults v children.
The girls are trying to do the same with reatd to embracing 100% responsibility for themselves.
When in doubt, I'm to dismiss the past and decide what's best for everyone in the present moment.
It's a variation of getting my nose off a Pebble.... to shift into expansive right brain choices.
About this orthorexia you speak of.....it's really sad....deeply....prifoundly sad one has to spend so much time learning to read food labels designed to trick and mislead......to hook everyone on foods jacked up with chemicals, additives and sugar for the sole purpose of exciting our brains so the population becomes addicted to inflammatory food like stuff. I'm hesitant to write foods, bc so much if it is harming the public's health while most docs play stupid, or truly are ignorant.
The idea of excluding so many food groups/chemicals/sugar IS viewed as a sickness.
If I hadn't felt, looked and functioned so much better without g/s/d I would have a difficult time believing/choosing/knowing these choices lead away from brain fog, obesity and havoc mit hormones.
It's huge, but it's hard, bc it's not normal to really pare down to nutritionally dense foods sans the monkeys with additives.
I know I look unhinged with food right now. It's really hard to give up all the foods I'm addicted to and choose my health 4 or 5 x a day.
It makesother people uncomfortable when they're aware I'm doing it.
So, ya.....in this culture I have orthorexia. What I don't have is a med cabinet with Rx's. If I have to choose, I have to choose health over food addictions and that's exactly what it feels like....breaking addictions.
At least I'm aware of my choices and likely consequences. IME Wester docs have failed us miserably. I guess they're failing themselves too. How can we expect them to do better when they aren't informed either.
I guess I'm not ready to stop ranting on the topic yet.
Still struggling. And really hungry at the moment.
Thanks for the article, Hops. Interesting rabbit hole. Made me think of me too!
Lighter
-
Rant away, Lighter! This culture deserves it.
I'm also disgusted by all the processed, chemicalized, nutrient-depleted .... errr... THINGS in packages that get disguised as food. When I worked at Rodale one of the first things they told us was, avoid things that come in boxes or bags (except brown rice). Or at least, READ the labels on the boxes, cans or bags. Then buy stuff dried.
Took a while but, like you, I finally twigged to the simplicity of healthy food.
I really liked what you said a while back about healthy food not exciting your taste buds overmuch. I get that. It's like packaged/processed/preserved foods have become TV for the mouth. Most of what we get if we respond to the marketing is sugar (soap operas), salt (violence and/or fake wrestling) and fat ("news"). No PBS....(well, except THEIR food shows are appetizing!).
M is entirely and completely about food satisfying intense mouth cravings, little more. He does wind up cooking fairly healthful food because of the Costa Rican influence, but considers regarding food mostly as about fuel/health over hedonism/partaaaay as failure of the imagination. (I think not imagining the health consequences realistically is a different failure.)
I hear you and I understand.
hugs
Hops
-
Lighter I was just reading your post (a few back now) about the court stuff, MIL, caring for both your girls, both parents and dealing with step-parents etc - and it made my blood run cold. There is so much similarity between what your MIL did and what my mum did and it's the cold hate that I think I found so hard to deal with. Why? So much hatred toward someone that you target their kids, create years of stress and tension, spend all that money! My God, the cost as well, none of it makes sense, plus they miss out on a relationship with their grandkids - and for what? To start a fight that they can't win, because I do think the truth comes out eventually, as frustrating as it is to be called a liar over and again when you speak it.
I know I have found most people just can't believe a grandma can behave in those ways. I think firstly because she's female (unusual for women; I think if it was an abusive husband people find that easier to get their heads around?). And also because they're older ladies, sweet, kind, gentle, knowledgeable. I know many people just didn't believe (still don't) all the things my mum has done over the years. It's a hard battle to break through. Makes sense that food is tangled up in so many ways now - bad memories, withdrawal (the chemicals are bad but they feel good; that's hard). All the extra work and I guess more frustration now because the girls are adults so you can't just put their lunch in front of them and that's what they have. Own choices to make. It's hard. But I hope it gets easier and I hope you are being kind to yourself when it's tough or if you crack and allow yourself something you shouldn't. I hope it all gets easier now xx xx xx
PS MIL is an arsehole! Lol xx
-
Lighter - you see why my garden is such a priority for me?
I'm fortunate to have had mostly good food influences in my life - including Twiggy's neighbor who shared the early Rodale stuff with me. My mom and Mike were the worst, diet wise. And that influence does corrupt - subtly - through "sharing" in a relationship.
I got some strange looks one time when I ordered (it was on the menu) and then ATE, a whole head of broccoli at a restaurant one time. It was really delish and I'd been starved for a simple prep of my fav vegemal. Ex#2 and I were planting, and eating organic before the magazine went yuppie in the 90s. He came from a Rudolf Steiner background, and some of the earliest organic/permaculture pioneers in the UK.
So, my philosophy is that food isn't just fuel or nutrition - it's medicine. And that led into the ongoing research into medicinal herbs. I have a hard time understanding that people would be so judgemental as to consider concern over one's food an eating disorder. In my world, even though the aspects vary a good bit, most people are looking for the best cleanest food, simply prepared, they can find.
OH.... I'm sure you already know... recipes from different cuisines can give your tastebuds that rush of intense flavor that satisfies cravings.
-
Amber:
I have 3 friends eating mostly clean g/s/d free. It's a relief to make plans with them, bc food is just food.
Sometimes I think the people resisting healthy food the most feel overwhelmed and maybe freaked out...a bit frightened food might BE as im0ortant as I'm treating it now.
Esp the people who eat fast food all the time, fed it to their children all their lives and are super busy....too busy to really stop, do the research and find other ways to eat, bc it IS difficult if you're starting from scratch.
I fed my girls organic baby food and breast milk. No juice. Lots if cow milk and water and I thought I was doing their little bodies goid as oldest began her love affair with cheese and rich, thick organic milk, which I love too, as my mother did.
I didn't understand eating popcorn and corn chips is like eating skittles. I can see it in my body after eating corn chips with wild abandon for a couple years.
Putting down all the foods creating inflammation, while feeding my body food as medicine means I eat more food and the inflammation melts off fast, like alchemy. It's not a diet, Darn it. It's what humans are meant to eat. I should eat this way for life and will try, but it feels like walking through a carnival, with a'll the exciting foods they offer, then choosing a bagged lunch of roast chicken, raw almonds, a handful of spinach and squirt of lime over and over again.
The reality isn't that austere, of coarse. I made Vietnamese Pork twice this week and served it over yummy salad of lettuce, cucumber, carrot, cilantro, basil and peanuts dressed with fish sauce, Stevia, lime juice and water, so good. I just had a ham roll up with spinach, jalapeno, tomatoes topped with a gooey egg....I feel it was enough. I'm satisfied.....for now.
Last night I woke up and ate half a yam. Went back for an entire mashed with ghee, Stevia, vanilla and cinnamon, btw. Later, maybe 1am. I ate a little package of gf crackers..... I was not thinking. I was reactive and felt sick afterwards, of course.
Food is medicine in my life. It could be medicine for DD20. She knows this, btw, but there's compulsion and dependence on food as comfort keeping her mired. I see her try. I see her start to make changes then get dragged back down again.
My brain knows and likes how junkfood tastes and feels....it feels like giving up an addiction, honestly. Easier when I'm feeling goid. Harder when I'm struggling, sick or reactive. I fight off compulsions almost daily....mostly I'm winning, but mostly doesn't seem to be good enough to restore health, ime.
My brain wants to bargain and find substitute carnival foods to ding all the bells and light up my mother board.
You're absolutely right about making interesting foods...Thai and Korean, Indian, Japanese.....sometimes everything gets an egg on top, but there's many steps involved. Drop the ball once, at any stage and things can go sideways easy, ime. Particularly if one isn't so busy they lack all time and opportunity.
Another reason eating pristine was easier in 2013....I was stuck in high or flight mode with no access to creative problem solving skills. It was survival....do or die, and yes I had control over what the girls are. I had tunnel vision.....there was no opportunity to yearn or hope. Only survival.
I see how I, now, let myself get frantic and frustrated with food. Other times I just take a big breath and focus on what I can do, then get busy doing it.
Food is medicine. I believe you. I've seen it with my own eyes....been restored by it. Torn myself down with careless choices.
Why is it so hard to consistently ignore the Carny food?!? Because my brain knows and loves it, that's why.
We're the richest country in the world and our health suffers bc of greed, corruption and......? Cowardice? Who made that insane food pyramid? Why don't mainstream doctors.....
::sigh::
Now THAT makes me feel hungry. Again. When people in positions of trust and authority fail, or sell us out for a dollar....it brings up reactivity for me.
Interesting.
Lighter
-
I'm feeling super validated and understood right now.
Thank you, CB, Tupp, Hops and Amber for showing me different perspectives.
Tupp: I've always believed and understood your struggle with your mum and the harm she's done. It's really difficult to go there, but once the evidence continues churning and slapping us around....it comes into focus and we can't afford to become confused about it anymore. Not while attempting to protect children and maybe it's bc we couldn't protect them we GOT IT completely.....sans the angst one normally feels without this much evidence.
No one wants to believe sweet old Grandmas do these things. We certainly didn't want to know either. We didn't get a choice. Couldn't afford to keep going all confused and ognirant once the kids were being harmed.
I'm glad so many people don't understand or believe it, bc they don't have the point of reference to make sense if it. So very glad.
I do wish Judges and Ts had enough education and competence to deal with it. They should be qualified and held accountable, but they aren't.
Instead they're paid to feel put upon/bitter/ understandably overwhelmed while often adding more damage, ime. It's a very rare thing to see a Judge get it 100% right, ime. I've seen it happen twice, if imperfectly. Judges with common sense AND enough information they couldn't get stupid and ignore the facts.
I do feel share certain tragedies and unlikely truths people go DIM thinking over...denial/ignorance/minimization. I've never felt I had to prove anything to you...I always feel, sadly, we've been carrying similar shields and wielding similar strategiescabd tools. Evidence is a weapon. Documenting is everything. Failure is terrifying to contemplate. I've believed every word you've shared about your struggles. Every one.
When I read your earlier post, about dropping everything except "good mother" actions, interests, measurable visible DOING...that struck a chord. I put down everything....for years....I posted very carefully here, afraid the In Laws would use it....stayed away from martial Arts and...I understand, Tupp. Where are we now the kids are of legal age? I guess we'll find out together.
Hops: Thank you for sharing your views and lessons with me. I might not always agree, but you make me question, think and verify. I find myself more centered, bc of our discussions. I know it costs you something to share some things. I'm grateful.
CB: I feel steadier bc you've shared your trials and tribulations with kids and food. I appreciate what feels like Amazon CB holding a lantern up the trail, showing me the path you've walked. It really helps.
Amber, you posted last, so I responded to you, at length, but thanks again for your views and shared wisdom.
Lighter
-
Anorexia hasn't let go of dd18. DD asked for help, embraced it, but certain things drag her back under. She dissociated. She recognizes it.
Social engagements. Time alone. She's angry with food too. Wants food to taste comforting....misses her "safe" foods...foods she always felt safe eating the last 2 years. All off the list.
Tonight was pretty awful after my niece's bd party, which was an enjoyable gathering. DD had a nice time. I did too.
DD didn't eat breakfast or lunch. She was super hungry on the drive home and going out of our way to find gas made the drive longer.
By the time we got home she'd been silent for an hour and a half. She watched me eat chicken and vegetables then explained she was starving. She wanted to eat, but couldn't. She looked....so....lost. I don't understand what shes5dealing with.
She took a time out, bc my trying to fix it wasn't helping. I did some laundry, then hear DD in the kitchen.....she'd been weeping for a while. Was on the verge and I just sat near her and listened.....I stopped trying to fix and I calmed myself down. It helped us both... a lot.
DD asked me what comfort food was. My answer wasn't her answer. She wanted her answer and it's always grilled cheese.
I heated the last Against The Grain gf roll, used parm cheese and ham.....she was comforted and took her supplements the first time that day.
Then she asked for chicken noodle soup. She chose gf penne pasta and I got out the bone broth we just made. She had 2 bowls.
This wasn't really comforting, bc she considers this binging and that throws her back into a spiral, but sha seemed to feel better. She's sleeping. I'm wide awake.
I have to keep breathing. Keep looking for the missing piece......dd has a T and nutritionist, but neither deals with anorexia.
DD is trying to gut her way through this, but she needs support from someone who deals with eating disorders, specifically.....that's how it looks to me.
The calmer I stay, the more quickly she'll askl for that help, think.
I find my face up against the glass....nose on the Pebble....catch it.....breathe....pull back.......become more present and responsive.....present and responsive is better than reactive and neeeeeding DD to be ok for me to be OK.
I imagine this will get easier with practice and focus.
I'm ready to go home for a while. Tomorrow.
Lighter
-
Lighter, I don't know anything about eating disorders but I have always associated the act of making food for other people as one of caring. As I read what you wrote I could only think that DD watching you put together a comfort food substitute for her - taking that time to find something that might fill the gap, without derailing the work and making the problems worse, putting it in front of her, sitting with her as she ate it - I can only imagine that the act itself would have been enormously comforting to her, even without the chemical hit she might be craving at the moment.
These sorts of things are so difficult to navigate through but can you imagine how much easier all of your struggles would have been if you'd had someone there to cook you healthy meals, drive you to places, talk through things that were troublesome, give you a hug and tell you that you're amazing, strong, loved, wanted, cherished? That level of comfort you give to your girls, along with the practical skills and just the investment you're willing to make in them - they may not be fully aware of it at the age they're at but it's setting them in such good stead for the future. They'll get there, Lighter, it might not be in a linear way, it might not be quick and it might seem a bit inelegant at times but they'll cross that finish line, because they've got you. xx xx
-
I can't imagine what it must be like to want to eat - and not be able to. To consider chicken soup and a sandwich "binging". That latter sounds like a distortion of perception, but I couldn't possibly know the why's of that. It maybe has to do with a one-time experience or off hand statement, when she was in a really sensitive receptive state?? Societal pressure??? (Just some ideas from recent convo's with Hol, who is getting self-conscious about being over 40.) I do know, that when I'm really stressed emotionally - I just don't eat. The smell, sight, taste of food makes me nauseous.
It has be torture for you Light. I get that part; watching Hol go through this latest maturing phase and some of the nasty judgemental stuff coming out of her mouth - side by side with the kindest more compassionate understanding - can make me crazy if I get too attached to picking an outcome I want for her. I have to remember not everything she SAYS is really what she FEELS; she knows that deep down... so I don't get the extra step/layer between real and interacting with people. But nothing she's going through is on a scale close to what your Ds are sorting out.
I've heard it said that eating disorders involve issues of control. But I don't know if that's still accepted or not. Seems too simplistic to me. Maybe feeling safe? Dunno.... maybe it's time to start trying to locate a T that specializes in eating disorders, if she's ready to work through that. At 18, I imagine there are lots of OTHER things way more interesting to her. But maybe this is awful enough for her that she'd be motivated to resolve it or at least learn how it works in her case.
-
I so agree with CB that releasing the fantasy that you can fix this, is the only path, and releasing it/them to a specialized professional (PsyD/PhD/MD professional, not just nutritionist) eating-disorder therapist (with you entirely hands-off and not asking) is essential.
Torture. So incredibly hard to accept your limits and let go. But it could heal all of you in time. Even if it won't, it releases you from the prison of the delusion that you can through sheer love and will and desperation, pull them back from the brink. You can pull YOU back from the brink, so their illness doesn't become yours, or yours theirs, or any combination. (Which is so very common.)
It reminds me of the "three C's" that someone told me about when I was fighting with all my soul to save my D, and had to release her outcome at the same depth:
I didn’t cause it – it is their private battle
I can’t control it – I have no power over an adult person's choices, even my child's
I can’t cure it – their illness may or may not resolve; I get neither credit nor blame
Feeling for you, Lighter.
hugs
Hops
-
I am profoundly grateful for every response.
Yesterday was recovery from travel in tandem with prepping 3 rooms for carpet removal and demolition.
And more travel.
I read your response, CB, while pumping gas in SC. There's still no gas in Asheville. DD20 won't have gas enough to get to work tomorrow if something doesn't open up.
I finished reading responses just now and....again.....I have such gratitude. There are no words to express the depth of validation and compassion I feel.
I'll take a break later and re read. You've all said things, in your own ways..... It helps me find perspective and calm.
Lighter
-
Once we got home.....I can't remember what day that was....Sunday? Yes. Sunday. We settled in to the house and it was a balm to all or our souls.
Youngest had huge burst of energy... she went straight to her room and began editing an organizing.
Oldest DD sought out time with me. She asked me to sleep in her bed with her when she was feeling ill from the J&J vaccine. I was happy to. Baby girl pug stayed in her bed, on the floor.... no whining. Everyone slept well.
I pulled myself out of the girls' problems and focused on myself, my jobs, my priorities.... it's difficult to switch away from the girls as priorities. I see that now. I see I'm not doing anyone any favors. It's time to let them grow up while expressing confidence in their ability to handle whatever comes their way.
After suggesting DD18 research a select an eating disorder T, she came to me a day later and said she'd been very busy doing just that. She didn't find anyone, however and talked about the things she finds difficult in the process. I didn't try to fix it for her. I didn't make any suggetions. I just repeated back what she said to me and asked her how she was going to figure it out. She's still figuring and I'm feeling so much better.....now.
Oldest is still making sad choices around food. I keep my mouth closed and focus on other things. Sometimes I talk about what I'm eating an why.... not often, but that's it.
I have a new tablet and keyboard so I'm finally able to post with more than my right index finger. Whoo hoo.
DD18 and I met with nuritionist this afternoon. Both our gallbladders and adrenals are ON. Our Sympathetic Nervous systems (SNS) are also ON. She said our stomachs took a hit, and we knew exactly why.....Thai meal last night.... so darned good. Nutritionist said our SNS might take a hit too,but maybe not.
All in all, I feel pretty good.More energy. Moving closer to fitting into my amazing jeans... again. I have to take them back to the tailor and have her sew them back together again. She used them for a pattern...... wasn't at all fruitful.
I'm not on a mission to lose weight, I realize. What I am is appalled that "eating" regular food does so much damage to my bodies ability to function......handle toxins, etc. I'm gf...... always. I don't eat much, if any, stupid fast food, yet my system is overwhelmed and taxed and unable to do perform.
I'm feeling less anger and mourning. Maybe I'm on the downhill slope. Things do seem to be easier, I will say that. Not sure how much is being home after you guys talked me out of my tree last week.
Maybe my brain has detoxed properly. I know I have to eat enough protein and fat to avoid sweet cravings. Salt cravings are usually stress related. I can add a little pink salt to my water to help that. I can add some grated apple to meatballs or grapes to chicken salad too...... I really enjoy chicken salad with lots of celery, Primal Kitchen regular mayo and grapes..... red grapes. I boil 2 chickens for an hour, take them out, pull meat off and slow cook the bones for 24 hours..... just under a simmer. If I boil them the bones break down and taste of liver, yuck.
I'm feeling less at the mercy of. The responses you wrote helped that happen.
Lighter
-
DD18 is on a chocolate kick. I mean.... dark chocolate. This child never ever liked chocolate, so it's kind of dsconcerting to watch her eat so much of it. Chocolate protein crackers, gf...... semi sweet baking chocolate......sugar free dark chocolate... she can't eat the 90%, but she likes everythig under that.
Nutritionis said it's a sign of deficiencies..... magnesium being a common one. Sure enough, magnesium tested strong so we added that and a good all around vitamin.
DD is eating every meal, joining in planning, shopping, cooking and general discussions...... she's engaged and on board, in other words. This means I'm doing really well and focusing on the lake renovation. I check in with her, but striing a balance concerns me. It takes energy and I'm really enjoying a recent uptick in energy. It's in my nature to go down rabbit holes, research bathtubs to death, then select the best choice with a decent shipping date, zero yellowing and fewer reviews of product arrriving damaged, etc. 90% research, 10% execution, in all things, if I can swing it. DD is more important than deep soaker tubs whick are tougher to find than you'd guess and more expensive than they should be, IMO.
Lighter
-
These sorts of things are so difficult to navigate through but can you imagine how much easier all of your struggles would have been if you'd had someone there to cook you healthy meals, drive you to places, talk through things that were troublesome, give you a hug and tell you that you're amazing, strong, loved, wanted, cherished? That level of comfort you give to your girls, along with the practical skills and just the investment you're willing to make in them - they may not be fully aware of it at the age they're at but it's setting them in such good stead for the future. They'll get there, Lighter, it might not be in a linear way, it might not be quick and it might seem a bit inelegant at times but they'll cross that finish line, because they've got you. xx xx
Tupp, thank you for that. It was really comforting to read.
Lghter
-
Amber, CB and Hops:
I don't understand the whys of anorexia either, but I do believe it's cultural, mostly. DD18 seems to believe that too. It also involves control an feeling unsafe. No doubt about that, IMO.
CB: I have such compassion for your struggle with the food and your childrens' mental health struggles. It feels like the struggle is IN my chest and heart, but it's inside my children. I'd carry them both, take their medicine and do their work if it would help them. I know it won't.
You're right, Hops.... I can't fix it myself. Running around trying is crazy making. It makes me less responsive. I'm trying really hard to gain some distance, breathe and focus on supporting, not fixing. Dropping delusion so I can see real strategies seems clear....now. It didn't last week.
Now.... breakfast. DD18 is having what she refers to as her OCD shower.
Lighter
-
Lighter, particularly with adult children, I'm coming to the conclusion that while Hol & my's relationship has left the parent-child era, some parts of that are going to linger; it's just built-in. We still do-se-do when one or both of us bump against it.
And most importantly, I've learned that to be of any use to her, while she's sorting out deeper self-issues or adult life challenges, I MUST take care of myself. Including protecting my energy, my head-heart space, and my physical energy. I have to be the best "me" I can be. And a good bit of that for me - is making sure I'm devoting at least an equal amount of energy to my inner work and the people and things I have going in MY life.
She displays the strong, overt "need to be needed" tendency; but she's also aware of it and trying to work through it, mostly on her own. Time apart, as opposed to covid enforced quarantine, is good for us. Making her own money again, is good for her self-respect - though she's immensely grateful I was in a position to financially get her through that year & a half employment drought. What she was going through when she landed here, was as deep & thorough as a mid-life crisis. She's rethought and refined just about everything she believed about herself. And that process continues - as she's realized that you don't just get to adulthood, and then you're as developed as you're ever going to be and life is perfect. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. She sees that as continuing to grow & learn. Some of her friends, have found this a really unpleasant, disillusioning reality.
It's - most of the time - pretty cool to watch her transform herself. Reversing her judgements & conclusions made in the throes of early adulthood chaos. She's even coming to peace with going from the "maid" stage - skipping "mother" - to "crone". And that transition hasn't been TOO ugly, though I know it was difficult for her. She's not there yet; too full of energy still for accomplishing things. It's just the items on the list have changed.
B and I have talked about this alot too; his D is 19. And he's been the over-protective and restrictive Daddy; making all her decisions for her. I've finally gotten through his instinct to keep her safe and doing the best she can do, to get him to see that creates more vulnerability and sends the message that he's not confident in her ability to take care of herself. Not all kids go through a rebellious stage; it's not in their nature. But he needs to completely let go of her choices - voice his opinion, sure; make suggestions, sure - but let go control. They learn fastest and more permanently if they are allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them. And even that philosophy isn't right for ALL kids, all the time.
He's doing a lot better with that now.
-
I'm glad you've got a keyboard, Lighter, I can't imagine typing all of that with one finger! Bless you. It is hard to step back from the kids being your priority, especially when you've had so much to cope with on your own as well. I think we often get into that 'I'll do everything' mode because we have to, but it's hard to know when and where that needs to stop (or reduce), especially when they're still dealing with problems of their own. I'm glad you're all getting there, in your own ways, doing the things you need to do xx
-
Tupp:
Making the kids our priority....that's a touchy one for me and I suspect for you. We didn't have a choice, for years. That's why our kids are doing as well as they are..... it had to be that way. I don't think it's possible to explain to people who didn't live that way, or experience it first hand for many years.
Now..... it's blurred. I see where self care and proper boundaries are better, more helpful, the right course to take.... now. Now that I have the time, energy and ability....... and the will to learn how..... the Will to unlearn how I've been living, which is tricky stuff, IME.
Amber: I suspect you're right about this being tricky stuff, without end, with adult children.
I just got off the phone with my brother and I noticed the general slide into the past legal troubles, mostly regarding real estate theft and getting screwed by a Trustee purchasing property through a straw man...I thought it was my FILagain, but it wasn't...... I wonder if brother had simply validated it for me, what happened is likely still happening behind closed doors with the good'ol boy system in place (as far as us being denied permits and anything else we rely on the county for) AND my In Laws working against us alwas...... would I, COULD I have risen above it and skipped the spiral? I feel pretty OK now,but there was mad pacing around the house as we spoke. I pace madly when I'm holding myself back, not speaking my truth, being marginalized, patted on the head....... and honestly....... the problem is how I handle it. Not that I'm marginalized or patted on the head. I know this is true.
I lived the truth. It's in my bones and nervous system. I don't have to have the understanding of those who don't get it, though frankly I don't understand how my brother could NOT get it. He just doesn't. He doesn't live under the same understanding bc he's never been crushed by it, held there, forced to fight through it with both hands tied behind his back, paying SO MUCH MONEY..... he's pretty much always fought on an even playing field and not been consistently stolen from for years while everyone patted him on the head an TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO LET IT HAPPEN.... it was good for him. It would end things sooner, even if it really meant 10 or 16 more court battles, sans the ability to use the hard won evidence given up at the last settlement agreement, weakening his ability to fight the next batch of battles, but hey..... it's a great reason to stay OUT of the court system, we both agree. I had no choice. I'm not sure he understands that completely.
OK, now I'm back in fight or flight,but I'm noticing it. Taking stock of it.... how it feels, what it would mean to shift back out again...... and be out from under the weight.
I was holding my breathe...... I have to really focus on breaathing now....... interesting.
The moss is moist and happy. Perfect to blow or vacuum twigs and small things from.
I think I'd like to go and do that for a while.
I have a sticking point that keeps me in the kitchen right now. DD18 shared her fear regarding the damage she may have done to her body.....functions.... digestion... going to the bathroom normally again, particularly damaging nerves. There's a name for it, but it's escaping me just now.
I read up on it last night and told her flat out she's going to do what is suggested to HEAL these problems...... including getting her heart rate up daily, eating flax and chia seeds, etc........ no more wishy washy letting her lead on this and I really do think she wants me to put my foot down.
I'm WITH her a lot. For a reason. I'll ask her what she thinks she should do, but I'm not letting her make choices that slow the healing process.......if you guessed she's wants to see a gastrointerologist... fears she needs to have some of her guts cut out BEFORE trying her hardest to heal herself with good food and choices..... you'd be right.
And that makes me angry.
Just like DD20 desiring to have gastric bypass surgery as a quick fix to her problems makes me angry.
There are no quick fixes. There's more damage and harming the body....... shoved down our throats as healing.
They can't wave a magic scalple and fix leaky gut, beaten down gut flora and organs saturated and overwhelmed with toxins.
I know how nutsy that looks to read.
I don't really care right now. I know it's the truth in my bones and mabe it's the girl's DNA......... their father and his father are more sensitive to food and insulin resistence and that's a tough thing I never had to deall with before I had kids.
The eating disorders complicates the simplicity of eating whole, clean foods. Oldest won't touch anything DD18 and I eat right now I watched DD18 speak to DD20 with compassion last night.... ask her to join us (like we're a cult) and DD20 had a big NO! push back response I ignored completely.... didn't comment or look up. Not once.
For F's sake...... there has got to be a lesson in all this for me. It seems like similar lessons just keep coming up, again and again.
And I need to change my responses.
::thinking about what it would look like to take myself completely out of the adult equation for the girls::.
To just let them go....
even as I plan to hold DD18's nose to the grindstone with regard to choices.....
I feel pushed and pulled to DO for DD18. She wants me to lead then she wants to be grown up then back again.
And I care.
Too much.
Now is the time for me to step back, forget the history, and figure out what's best for us all NOW.
I stretched and left my arms and one leg extended, tense.....thinking about the attorneys an Trustee who got away with stealing and almost stealing MORE from my children...... and I release the tension and dissect it in words.
It's a physical thing, but it's created by my thoughts. It shows up in my body immediately, which is alarming, but my nervous system is doing pretty good right now. Shifting down and out of fight or flight. I have the space to shift in and out of observer mode.
And I can't say there's only negative experience when I picture justice.... even some veangence.... holding the criminals accountable. It FEEEELS pretty good to experience that rush of anger.... beginning the process of finding other people the attorneys have cheated an stolen from as Trustees an pretend realtors/stawman buyers. THAT is NOW very familiar to me. I've proven it before, Iknow how to do it again.
But it's time I could spend with my family. Time I could spend in the moss. Time I could avoid being thwarted in the good'ol boy system where the bad guys always win, even if you prove your case an "win." I don't want to do that any more. I know that, but the point is.... there are things I get from going ro0und an round with those thoughts.
I haven't quite accepted, without reservation, the fact of letting go is better than hanging on in every single imaginative way.
Young Lighter will just have to trust me on this one. She's pretty sure veangence could feel better than choosing serenity and peace. I have to look at that with her.
My brother says "it's all behind you now....they can't hurt you now" and I know that's not real. And it's OK. I'll fight the dragons when I have to. Like I always have. The worst dragons are getting quite old, by now. The dragons in crime don't have the same committment or shame in getting caught, which they were...... they don't have the same grudges or feelings of entitlement..... or so I think.
Whatever it is..... it's time for leaning into the present. Letting the past go. No leaning into the future as way of BEING.
And so..... what is best for everyone now?
My lips purse and my head shakes back an forth as I ponder Western doctors........ which may be where this goes, but it feels very wrong in so many ways.
::going to grind flax and chia seeds for DD18 and myself::.
Lighter
-
Got a simple recipe for chia pudding, Lighter?
hugs
Hops
-
I'm afraid I've never made a chia seed pudding that didn't have the texture of a frog egg glob, Hops. I might work on a recipe tasting good enough to make the effort worthwhile, but I carmelized 12 lbs of organic meatballs last night. Filling the fridge and freezer with easy to grab protein is priority today. Aldi's dark chocolate, with almonds, in the purple wrapper is getting us through our sweets craving right now.
Update on NRP.....
Tested FINE on myself:
The chocolate flavored Sweet Leaf brand Sweetdrop stevia liquid, in the dropper bottle. I use these with 4th & HEART brand GHEE clarified Butter with Himalayan Pink Salt to bring back some comfort in dinking coffee AGAIN. I had to find a replacement for whole milk and plain stevia that DIDN'T leave me despairing. This is my go to combo.
BODYHEALTH PERECT GREENS Formula organic superfood powder. DD18 and I figured out lemon juice, lemon peel, a huge handful of Thai Basil and frozen blueberries, along with the PERFECT GREENS, ice and water make a fabulous warm weather icy drink. Maybe add a little stevia if it's too sour. SO GOOD!
ALDI's Dark chocolate with almonds (purple wrapper) they sell plain as well. A little piece of Laura Secord sugar free dark chocolate was in the bag, so I believe that tests OK too. The blue wrapper one.
Garlic Salt tested fine.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
TESTED BAD:
SIETE GRAIN FREE TORTILLA CHIPS, made from cassava. The ingredient list looks clean enough, but cassava turns to sugar in the body and NTP says cassava often raised in countries without quality control. OFF the table. Interesting to note there was a day we wouldn't touch these chips. NOW they seem like delicacies. I was really hoping they'd test OK. DRAT!
RUSSEL STOVER SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATEs with caramel and nuts tested like rat poison. They're SO GOOD tasting. Really bummed about that. I used to bring them to my type II diabetes father on holidays.
Paprika, which we love, tested poorly on both of us.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NRP said chocolate cravings can indicate Magnesium deficiency,which was the case for DD18 who's taken to snarfing down dark chocolate like crazy. This is alarming, bc she doesn't even like dark chocolate. When testing KREBS Magnesium Potassium Bioactive Mineral Complex on DD.... it wasn't what her body wanted. We already had this, so brought it.
Standard Process Magnesium Lactate Dietary Supplement was what her body wanted.
NRP prescribed Gymnema Supplement to curb the cravings for sweets. DD plans to take these at bedtime, bc they actually go very bitter in the mouth and render the tastebuds unable to taste sweet things. It works, bc we gave them to my friend and tried them a couple weeks ago.
I had a great appointment.... NRT said one more visit like that and I can move to every other week, instead of weekly visits.
I posted a bit about my general strength, energy levels, ability to think clearly improving a good deal. Also, my ability to remain level improved. Less or zero reactivity where there used to be a lot.
A very recent peaceful tranquility has decended on me. I'm curious about it lasting or shifting into something else.... going away, etc. No expectations. Only gratitude and amazement rigth now. I've never experienced anything like it.
::trying to close off open nostril an breathe through closed off nostril::
SO.
Noisy.
And I feel like I'm suffocating.
DD's system was switched at this appointment, so NRP took her through the one nostril breathing. I was sitting right there, so participated too. Again, so loud and NRP asked me to please stop...... and I did. It was somewhat embarrassing,but now she believes me when I tell her how difficult it is for me. NRP's other patients experiencing huge shifts in anxiety when practicing this for 10 super slow breaths. I will try more often.... see if I can't catch my nose at the right time, more often.
DD18 super messed up from Russell Stover Candies, but at least we know what's causing it. Have plan to address it. NRP assured DD her digestive tract and organs will heal, can be healed, but she must tend to them mindfully. Trying to reassure DD she can heal herself without Gastro doc.
I've shifted out of the whiney/angry/sobby state..... such a relief. I'm feeling strong, zero cravings, eating better is easier, become habit, I've found replacements for things I really missed. I've never had to feel all this before, bc I didn't have the bandwidth to do so last time I made these choices. I have full vision of the field and this is apparent all the time in my life. I wonder how Icould have evere allowed X, Yor Z to upset me. Just a new perspective I'm enjoying very much. It occurs to me THISmight be what sociopaths feel all the time..... just very level, no matter what.
Having meatballs made ahead, kept in fridge and freezer is very helpful. DD LOVES them. I combine turkey, beef and bison...garlic salt, a little oregano and garlic powder.... 2 eggs for 3 or 4 lb batches. Pepper. They're best when heated in a pan, like most things are.
Cooking a big pan of veggies ahead, to grab and go, is helpful. DD adores zucchini an English peas. I'll eat anything, in any state. Cold. Room temp. Warmed lovingly in a pan..... doesn't matter right now. I just want to keep moving forward.
I purchased little Japanese stackable food containers for all the travel we do..... ZOE's Kitchen has chicken and shrimp kebabs with veggies that do in a pinch, if we can find Zoe's. I'm not keen on purchasing roasted organic chickens and salads from the grocrey stores to eat while on the road, but if we skip lunch on the days we travel, end up feeling starved. Still figuring this out.
-
Thanks for taking the time to share all that, CB.
I think your point, about more complex carbs slowing down simple carb absorbtion, is important. I also think the almonds are what make the dark chocolate from Aldi's something my body can handle, at this time, if I chose to eat it.
I understand popcorn and chips equal eating skittles in the bloodstream...... that's why I'm trying to limit carbs to one, once a week.
It's likely I've been in ketosis, as you said. There's no way to drop this much inflammation and weight in this short time. Can't be, while I'm eating so much food. So much protein. So many greens and veggies. Making sure there's healthy fats included. I didn't stop eating fruit this time, however. I think that's why there's not more change in my body. I'm not really aware of my body, most of the time, so I don't notice increments. I don't weigh myself. What I do notice is how my clothing fits. I turn aroud, one day, and all tthe layers of dimples fell off while I wasn't paying attention so it still seems very mysterious to me.
NRP has us eating protein, fat and complex carbs...... lots. We need the carbs to break down into glucose to unlock the cells to take in the nutrition...... is how she explained it.
If we have spiked insulen levels, the cells can't open up to release the stored calories, is how I understand that process from DD20;s struggles with weight. Her fasting insulen levels were very high. I'm sure they still are. The processes are so complex. Well beyond my uderstanding. If my experience is any indicator, it's well beyond Western medicine doc's understanding too. Some are able to admit it. Some get defensive. I feel pretty done witth them, frankly.
I can say this "prescriptive" way of eating (thanks, Amber) is what will help DD20...... I don;t see any other way. None.
Everyone's body is sensitive, needful, deficient in unique ways. Things change, sometimes very quickly, Cutting out more inflammatory foods in the beginning, so the body can rest, heal and start handling toxins and processes again means adding foods back in is possible.
Making unhealthy choices on occassion doesn't overwhelm or shut down function as long as we're tending to our health when it's back online.
That's how I see this working for me both times I've taken it on and it's overwhelming each time.
I've just eaten a big plate of meatballs with zucchini, pea greens and gooy eggs...... I feel full, but not too full. When I eat cooked down cinnamon apples I feel sick afterwards. Eating good foods doesn't upset me or make me feel ill..... consistently, it's just eating and getting back to work or whatever I was doing. When I was eating simple carbs there was heartburn, feeling sick I was so full, inflammation and sometimes pain, depending on the carb. Wheat always leads to pain in several joints. When I was eating it daily it hurt the shoulder I popped out of joint in martial arts. Once in a while only hurts my big toes.
How much we eat, how often and depending on our ability to handle it...... everyone has different food prescriptions if food as medicine is a focus, IME.
My sister added wheat back into her diet without pain..... every once in a while. Her body can handle it. Mine can't. Not now, anyway. I removed gluten years ago, so I have replacements, don't yearn for it and am quite sure it still bothers me, bc I got stupid on the island over the home baked sweet bread popular with locals and tourists. Lots of sugar. Marvelous stuff, but strictly poison if you care about such things. It seems odd I'd DO that to myself, bc all the walking and working I was doing... I needed my body, out of pain. That's where being around people eating stupid really hurts. I bought the bread for DD18, then my brain pinged after having a bite and that lead to days of eating wheat bread without hesitation.
DD18 agrees.... we can't have inflammatory foods in the house or they will get eaten. That's admitting we're too weak to discipline ourslves consistently. We lack discipline. Discipline is lacking in our habits. Ouch. I don't like reading that. Darn those exciting foods.
I'm sure eating this way will get much easier than it is now. It's much easier than it was.
Lighter
-
CB:
It's been a while since DD20 has been to the doctor. She was working out regularly at a gym....loved her personal trainer, made an effort with food choices....I think not seeing much progress bummed her out then Covid shut down the gym. She's gained so much and the bypass surgery quacks convinced her she has no power to impact her own health and weight.....they can fix her with a surgery.
Her fasting insulin levels, 9 years ago were significantly elevated and she had a whole body infection....I assume it was Lyme's disease another doc found 6 years ago.
When DD20 went toTherapeutic Boarding School she snapped at me...
"Stop trying to fix me!". I was stunned. Shocked. Terribly conflicted and hurt, bc I had spent so much time and resources trying to solve the mysteries of her weight and underlying causes....very high heavy metal levels, leaky gut, low stomach acid so she wasn't digesting protein I was feeding her a lot of....I wanted her to eat, not restrict and work out like a maniac ( her father) to control her weight....she was 18 and I stepped back.
She's been to check ups with a regular MD practicing integrative medicine, but she believes the gastric bypass will change everything.
I don't go with her to doc appointments anymore.
When we all 3 saw the NRP, who's also a nurse practitioner, DD20 dropped so much inflammation, it was night and day. I wonder how things would have gone if my mother didn't fall ill, if we didn't move back to GA to be near her, if we didn't drop the NRP bc I was overwhelmed with the custody case and mom's cancer....I missed her first chemo bc of an 8 hour deposition of the..... doesn't matter now.
DD20 feels pretty distant right now. She doesn't want me meddling in her food, or telling her what to do.
I had no ability to balance anything but her healthcare, the girl's school and the legals while living under the legal siege so many years. I was tunnel visioned on DD20's physical health and the legals and school. That's it. My nose was on pebbles....I didn't laugh or dance with the girls. I was too tired and tormented to be the mom she had before. And she remembered who I'd been before. She was really awful to me, which was super difficult to have in my safe spaces. My MIL had a weekend of poisoning her mind when DD20 was 7yo and things really changed....I think that was a huge factor. DD18 began hating DD20....every day was battle after battle in the house....and outside. My relationship with DD 20 is complicated....even after she admitted to tormenting me for years on purpose..... she's very touchy....she'd say oppositional defiant, but only when she feels I'm overstepping.
DD20 needs to go to the dentist. I'll try to set up a regular physical....and maybe be there for her in a way she won't mind, if allowed. She should be handling these things on her own, but doesn't if left to herself with these appointments.
I'm curious about her fasting insulin levels and general health/ labs too. Last week she was looking over workplace insurance programs and deductibles.....so expensive.
That's a lot of information.
Lighter
-
Lighter,
I remember when my DD's distancing began, her focus grew ever more intense on removing me and my:
considerable research skills
health education background
deepening anxiety for her wellbeing
love as I expressed it
....to the point that ANY (from me):
advice
instruction
affection
research
appointment setting
appointment accompanying
interpreting of any medical issue of hers at any time
mentioning
recording
commenting
pressuring
obsessing over
worrying
...from her orbit. It took me a loooooong time to recognize (and for us, it was too late) how my anxiety over her wellbeing had turned me into an entire fleet of BlackHawks, hovering, terrified for her, and so forth. My fears were suffocating to her. I couldn't fully control my anxiety and to her, it was an acid drip.
So, forgive me, but I'd say -- bless the bypass. Support her in going through it. And if it isn't the magic cure and she regains? Then you can step alllllllllll the way back and watch her, as an adult woman, make her own realizations and decisions about how she's going to live. Or not.
The rub is:
--She may be one of many (50%) who do succeed and are transformed and filled with hope and sanity, given the kickstart of the bypass.
--She may be one of many (*50%) who revert and create a second obesity crisis for themselves after the bypass.
[*updated because of conclusions from a substantial study of stats:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18392907/ (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18392907/)]
The bottom line is:
You can't know or control the outcome. I'd donate a metaphorical toe to help you release the trying, because the trying might contribute to her giving up her essential discovery of full autonomy. You can push on doorframes until the house falls down, but this is still her path to trod.
I think the only peace is in releasing the outcome and letting go of the love-and-guilt-driven, frantic campaign to change it all for your DD20. And very very soon, for DD18 as well.
It's not your fault, whether you were a distracted imperfect mother or not. It's what has happened in DD20's (and DD18's) lives too, so only they can find their right ways through it.
Support is one thing. Supervision is another.
Adult children rebel, often in self-sabotaging ways, against supervision.
MUCH comfort, empathy, hope for you--
hugs,
Hops
-
Thank you, ((Hops.))
Sharing your experience really helps me pry my fingers off the steering wheel in DD20's life. Truly.
I'll try very hard to give advice ONLY when it's asked for.
I'll attempt to shift my focus TO MYSELF and my business.
I'll try to drop the guilt and story of the past to do what's best for everyone in the now.
Lighter
-
A big Yes.
And, she'll undergo this, too, which may help her in many ways:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3096263/ (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3096263/)
-
Can I just say as I'm reading all of this how beneficial it is to me to read these accounts of managing health problems of older children and the pitfalls you've all encountered. My son is still dependent in a lot of areas so we're not at that 'flying the nest/living their own life' stage yet, but it's very helpful to me to read how easy it is to step over that line just because you love them. And how badly they can take it, even though the intentions are nothing but good. Not easy to watch people mess up, especially when you can see it coming from a mile away. It's good for me to keep that in mind. I hope this all gets easier for you to navigate with your D, Lighter xx
-
Lighter - one thing I've recently tripped over, is that sometimes our kids take what we intend as simple motherly concern & care into their perception completely differently. For instance, not trusting them to be competent or adult in their understanding or actions. Even when that's been expressed in the midst of accolades of rising to a challenge not many people could tackle. (in this case, I understand there is some old experience still being untangled that doesn't have anything to do with the facts in that situation)
People absolutely have control over their perceptions and while we sometimes agree to share a certain perception or perspective or even interpretation of shared experience - quite often they vary a lot from person to person. May be the most important individualizing factor, for all I know. Those perceptions may only be relevant to someone's internal "reality" -- and outside people aren't really aware that this is the case.
So, there can be these kinds of very confusing conflicts. They aren't the sum total of that relationship - but it's related to that person's inner struggle and perhaps (in my case) being locked on like a heat-seeking weapon to my own perception/understanding of what I intended... and zero-awareness of how that person, in that moment, might perceive it. I shift in/out of that focus a lot, all the time... so I seldom notice when I'm not actively scanning for potential miscommunication. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to be able to do that.
It's not a big deal. And I seriously doubt it's something that can be permanently prevented or overcome. It's just something that happens between people. One small trill of notes in 2-3 measures of a symphony. But I do notice with adult children their perception of not just memories - but the actuality of the present moment - can be 180 degrees from what I'm aware of. Just for that moment; it's not necessarily a conclusion written in stone for all infinity.
It's just because we're all different people with a whole universe inside that isn't necessarily always shown on the outside.
-
Ah, crap. Now I'm wondering if I;m a covert N.
This morning I asked DD20 if she wanted to take the 11am dental tooth cleaning tomorrow morning..... I have an 8am. Sister has a 10am. We could have made the morning and lunch of it. The outlet mall is a few minutes away. There are things I need for the renovation. Sounded good to me.
I tried not to judge myself harshly. I came back and re read this thread. I tried to let the sting of DD20's barked "NO" not get to me, but it sort of did.
The fact she slept in my bed, with her pug....
the fact the dental receptionist phoned to verify appointment times, let me move DD18's appointment from 11 to 10, meant I had good information I shared with DD20 IF she was interested in getting back on track with the dentist.
That she didn't...... is about her. Nothing to do with me. I let it go.
At breakfast DD18 and I were at the dining room table eating our protein and fat.... yummy. DD20 squeezes in with her raw cookied dough and birthday cake icecream, her breakfast..... DD20 rarely eats with us in the same room.
DD 18 begins complaining. I note, calmly, it's not nice of her to do that then scoop up the pug and wash her in the kitchen sink, which changes the subject, bc DD18 has missed the pug so..... she's up and at the sink, snuggling the pug. Food doesn't come up again and I hear the girls leave in DD20's car without saying goodbye.
I'm glad they're sharing time together, but wonder about enabling behaviors as I feed, walk and dry baby girl pug after her bath. I've missed the pug too, after all. I need to get out an stretch my legs too, I tell myself.
I'm apparently aiming some of my maternal energy at the pug's nutritional needs.... bc.... I can't do that with DD20? Probably. I've put the pug on Dr. Mrty's freeze-dried raw food and daily pro biotics. I KNOW what it is, I do. I'm not judging it. Just trying to see it with clarity.
The girls pop in, DD18 grabs her supplements and invites me to dine at a new Indian restaurant downtown. I already have my second very large helping of organic chicken salad out, ready to go. I say I'm shopping tubs for the renovation... go have fun. I am and she does.
I have a question about the renovation....will post it on the Lake thread next.
So, the girls return from dinner.... DD20 pops into my bathroom as I ready my third very large helping of chicken salad today. Really sick of chicken salad, btw.
The pug scooches her bum on her bed, then on the rug, then in the bathroom with DD20.... I hear DD20 say, "Uh oh."
DD18 goes to the hallway where DD20 left the bathroom door wide open. DD20 orders her away, then me as I come up behind her to see if there's a problem...... well.
Back in the kitchen, tending to my dinner, DD18 and I watch the pug scooch her bum on the bare floor then the rug again. What little appetite I had evaporates and I KNOW DD20 won't make an appointment with the vet to deal with those pesky, overtly full anal glands.
I'm suddenly feeling very similar to when my father refused to get second and third opinions about delicate brain surgery.
If I didn't order his records, make 2 appointments with neuro docs, carry the 40lbs of MRIs.... you guys remember the story. It wouldn't have gotten done.
The same with the pug's arse...... if I don't make the appointment, it doesn't get done.
DD20 has taken the pug a time or two, after I've made the appointment, but she behaves as though it burns her to pick up the phone. Anxiety response. She might even scratch herself a bit if I push.
I'm frustrated bc some part of me is NOW wondering if I'm on the N spectrum.... manipulative, etc bc I asked DD20 if the pug scooched her arse in the bathroom, where she could see. DD20 said she did.
SOme very resistent part of me, the part refusing to let my father go into brain surgery without doing his due diligence...... said.....
"the pug needs her bum done" as DD20 walked by on her way upstairs.
See...... I'm really REALLY struggling with the scent of the pug's anal gland contents....not that she's leaking just now, but it's only a matter of hours.
I wasn't keep in the idea of watching my father learn to breathe, walk, talk and swallow again, but that's what I was going to have to do....it's what I DID DO. I bathed him plenty, fed him, popped pills into his mouth and let him yank on my neck to stand and sit down, even though he could do it on his own. He actually could walk a bit, but chose not to, bc he couldn't do it well.
So, how does that tie in with the pug's anal glands smearing HUGE foul fish stink that could knock a buzzard off a shite wagon all over the home I occupy?
I don't think I can make peace with it. No. I am CERTAIN I cannot.
I can leave the house tomorrow, after the dental stuff, and try not to think about the pug on the sofa, the floors, the rugs, perhaps my bed, bc DD20 likes to take over my room when I'm not here, but I doub't it's possible to stop thinking about it.
OK, the pug is sniffing her own bum. It's happening.
Calming self before going to speak to DD20 about the dog.
I don't want to ask her to move out.
I don't want to give her dog away, though someone asked to take her off our hands just today.
Logical consequences of not caring for an animal should be losing that animal, IMO, but I Iove the pug too. DD18 loves the pug too.
I can't force DD20 to care for her dog, and it IS her dog.
I could't force my father to put off a surgery that would paralyze him so he'd have to work to recover..... KNOWING he'd refuse to do that work, which he did.
And I live with...lived with the consequences....... it touches my life, touched my life. He failed and it was 4 women bathing him, feeding him, lifting him, ruining backs and allowing him to get away with not walking and doing rehab, but for learning to swallow so he could eat and drink scotch again. So. Sad.
I'm not going to speak to dd20 till you guys chime in.
WHY don't I know what to do?
Lighter
-
Couldn't wait.
I gathered myself, knocked on DD20's door and asked if she had a moment. She did. I very genty enquired if she was going to do something about the uncomfortable pug in the dining room....... DD20 said she would, but wasn't sure what.
Things are calm and respectful at this junction, btw.
I ask her if she's asking me for advice.
She says she thinks she is.
I ask her if she knows who the vet is. She does. She can find the number on their website.
I let her know her chances of getting an appointment first thing when they open will increase the odds pug is seen today. That's best case scenario.
I go back to my business and DD18 calls me into her room.
She asks if I want to try to express the pug's glands myself. I tell her that moment passed...... I'm going back to my responsibilities. Earlier I would have tried if someone had helped me. I've done it before. DD18 and I were both traumatized by the pug's screams and the smell.
DD18 wants to know what I plan to do about the pug, the but rubbing and the obvious problem with hygien it creates.
I say......
nothing.
I'm releasing, abdicating, withdrawing and going back to my floor plans.
She's horrified..... what about the smell? The floor? The TOWEL? She wants to know... she has expectations.
Normally this would put me, a bottle of alcohol and way to trap the pug somewhere easy to clean in motion...... barricade the sofa, bedroom, bathroom etc.
Not tonight.
My lower back is tightening up-, but I think I'm doing the right thing. If I could put a lock on my bedroom door I'd do that and leave tomorrow before DD20 wakes up.
::sigh::
Lighter
-
CB:
The Pug has been in her bed all evening. She'll sleep in DD20's room if I take her, and her bed, upstairs.
I'm going to trust DD20 to make an appointment first thing in the morning. Usually it's me doing it. Sometimes DD20 takes the dog in, but most of the time it's me.
I'm at least pretending I'll do nothing about it right now and throwing the ball into DD20's court. DD18 believes it. I think DD20 does too.
I'll be wrestling with myself in the morning...... wanting to call the vet first thing and nab an appointment, which is more likely the earlier the call is made.
Since I leave the house at 7:30 I'll have to trust DD20 will get up and act. She'll be asleep when I leave. So will the Pug.
I MIGHT make the appointmnt, then have the vet give DD20 THAT appointment if and when DD20 calls..... without telling her I did it myself first thing.
I want DD to feel the weight of caring for her dog........ I want her to begin carrying it.
It feels like an important game of chicken's going on here.
I hope I play well. I hope you do too.
Thanks again for your input, CB. It's helpful.
Lighter
-
Lighter - you need a break from your DD's lives. Both of them.
You need to simply have some quiet time by yourself; not working; just relaxing. The beauty of a hotel room in a lovely spalike location - and the anonymity that comes with it?? Minimum a week. Really.
You'll feel more solid in your self as a result.
-
That's what the NRP said, Amber.
-
((((((((Lighter))))))))) I know it's not exactly the same situation, but with myself and son, I was so scared they'd take him away from me that my parenting was tighter than a drum. There was not a crumb of any situation that anyone could get a hook into and starting ripping us apart. Every aspect of every minute of every day was accounted for, in my mind, and I was on top of every tiny little thing. There wasn't a hair on his head that I didn't know the specific length and location of. I'm guessing that it was similar for you. And I think when you've had to parent in that ultra perfect way, and document it extensively, and keep justifying it to x number of people, and had to keep fighting fabricated allegations within a system where people don't follow the rules, and they keep making up new ones if you get your head around the existing ones - I think it's hard to fight against that need to do everything, and not to make a mistake. And maybe hard to watch them make a mistake (or lots of mistakes) especially around health issues, or things that cause problems for everyone, like Pug needing the vet. I just want you to know that I think you're doing an amazing job of dealing with all these issues, old and new, and trying to redraw those boundaries and reassess the situation (especially against the backdrop of all these property renovations and crazy neighbours as well). I hope you can keep seeing how well you're doing and also, I think it's alright not to do it well sometimes? I know I have a really hard time accepting it's alright to f**k up from time to time. But I think it is. Maybe we all need to embrace the f**k up and actively work on doing it more often? Lol. I hope the paths all get clearer and that things settle down more for all of you. You deserve some fun and some really good stress free time xx
-
Tupp:
I'm trying to think of ways to take time off, but typically I see us traveling to places we have unfinished business... sort of killing 2 birds with one stone situations. I SEE myself doing that, but I can't go beyond it just yet.
::sigh::. I unloaded really heavy boxes of tile today. Helped load them last night. My back is feeling strong and healthy. I pay very close attention to how I lift, etc. THIS feels like old me. I like old me. I like being active and waiting for no man. I like teaching DD18 and accepting her help when she steps up, which happens more and more. She'll take a little time off to heal her health, which continues to improve.
We've both been moved to NRP appointments every other week, which leaves me feeling like I've been released from a fast moving river into a gentle pond. I'm just floating and gently spinning in place.... able to focus more on things before hustling everything into good enough order so we can mount up, drive for hours and begin again at another home.
DD18, Jenna's health improving is THE most important thing right now. It's everything. There is NOTHINGelse that matters so much as that and we discussed how she's feeling last night over a meal we've shared and loved most of her life. It's Salt and Pepper Squid and Chow Fun with snow pea leaves, carrots, baby bok choi and these really delicious tender shrimp. J ate SO MUCH last night. The last time we ate that meal together she could hardly eat anything... was really not able to eat any solid foods.
She's feeling better, healthier...... even if she's still wrestling with her body image and gaining healthy pounds..... she feels the gains. She celebrates them.
We talk about traveling to take care of unfinished business in Texas, GA and the island. Neither of us will go in this summer heat so we look to making plans NOW, around NRP appointments. By fall I hope both DD and I are able to move appointments with NRP to once a month, or so.
Food is neutral rigth now, at least for me. My brain's calmed down enough..... routines are in place enough..... I just move through my days repeating what's working without too much thinking about it. Very few sad moments come up, typically when watching stupid tv..... pictures of CAKE..... food I can't have anymore. That trips me up, but not badly.
Jenna and I spend more time making good choices together and less time plotting bad choices in detail then following through a small percentage of the time.
Today DD made a nutritional milkshake with chia seeds, flas, hamp seeds, blueberries and coconut oil. It came out thick, room temp and the color and texture of cement,wich reminded me of the volcanic ash we drank to pull toxins out of our bodies...... drinking mud was how it felt.
THIS drink was a pudding for me.... reminded me of pabum from babyhood, but with a bit of blueberry fruitiness the pabum never had. I felt good about it... almost finished an entire coffee cup full, in fact. Jenna..... not so much. She has no positive associations with it at all.
Because I feel it's good for her, I'll go blend hers up with ice, water and macha tea powder. I think she'll enjoy it that way.
Tupp... you were right about everthing y0u said....about parenting under fire in a system that's broken. It's not something you just get over. It's INSIDE us, something we peel away, slowly, layer by layer.... is how it feels.
And it's a few shuffes forward then a jump here and there with T. I'm trying to stop feelingn frustrated and judgmental about how it's going. It's going the way it needs to go and it's always OK. Even when I don't move forward, even when I fall backwards....it's OK. I'm learning. I'm noticing what's there. This has been really helpful in moving through it, IME.
I'm at peace with laying what feels like groundwork now.
Groundwork is getting the girls the help they need to overcome the heinous fuchery. It's getting them as healthy as they can be and teaching them to keep themselves healthy. THIS is everything. THISis the ground work I need to take care of, even if it appears to some I'm standing still...failing to do things as they'd DO them, etc.
I notice I have things I have to do every day. To feel OK. Before I begin things others w.ould identifyy as a priority. I have to sort, fix or clean something I notice or something in the kitchen or bathroom...... the side of a freezer where the cabinet was removed the day before and you can see 25 ears of disgusting brown stuff... what IS it? And it has to be cleaned before I can go out the door,and my ADD has me moving like an octopus for severalhours..... going from thing to thing to thing... getting SO MUCH DONE in those hours. Amazing and familiar, but it's neither to Jenna who just wants OUT the door. She's not built like me that way, but she does try to help, bc it gets us out the door sooner. She feels I need to revisit the way I move through the world. I agree. More serenity, less chaos would be nice.
Lighter
-
CB:
Oldest DD20 works full time at an eye care center. She's starting school in the fall to be an optomestrist. I believe she can finish a 4 year program in 2.5 years if she continues working at the eye clinic. It seems like a solid plan.
Youngest DD18 is taking a little time to heal her mind and body before jumping into University. That's OK by me. She's up for helping me while handling the anorexia. We aren't planning to travel to Galveston TX, South GA or the island during summer months, however. Will plan fall and winter trips. What part of TX do you live in, if you don't mind saying?
We're feeling safe, regarding the pandemic. All vacc'ed up and living pretty normally, even though our town has some pretty high numbers.... it's a tourist town.
Right now we're at the lake house...... I have to find a drain pipe in the yard and try to unplug it so the water in the basement can drain. There isn't much, but it's about 4 inches from a pile of big rugs, so...... will get on that when the day cools a bit.
Figuring out new bed and bathroom layouts, where electricity goes, etc..... not hard. Just has to be thought all the way through and clearly communicated before info needed.
We're going into larger town to pick up building supplies today. Maybe heading back home tomorrow.
We've been moved to every other week appointments with the Nutritional Response Practitioner, which is a relief.
When we go back to Atlanta, we'll plan to hit the GA Aquarium, Center for Puppetry arts (eek) and our favorite restaurant in the world... Canton Cooks. SO GOOD! Not healthfood, but we're being so careful right now..... a little bobble every now and again doesn't set us back enough to deter us and we work harder the rest of the time to eat pristine.
I hope your housing search turns up something unexpected and happy very soon.
Lighter
-
CB:
DD going to be an optometrist..... not osteo. She's not gettig paid much at all to work at the eye clinic. She wants to build a career, an perhaps a business. Will see.
I won't be going to Galveston in the summer months, for sure. Will wait for cooler weather. Same with the island....will likely go in January, after New Years. I'm honestly a little concerned about my ability to DO nothing while on the island. I feel like I'd have to at least paint the guest house interior..... at least. Maybe not. Will be making the most of time with the girls....learning to get our own fish and lobsters..... maybe spearfish a bit. I've never had time to do that..... have always felt unhappy about depending on others to fish for me, etc.
I believe we have a great Osteo program at a local University near us. Wouldn't it be amazing if one of the girls chose that?
The pug was cared just fine. DD18 and I took her in together. It's easier if one person has the towel and pug under control while someone else drives. I will say there was never any smell...before or after. I think the new food regime is helping with that.
Lighter
-
CB:
I can't keep orchids alive...... not past the stick phase, anyway. I wish I could, bc I love buying and looking at them. Just too sad to see them not come back once the blooms have fallen. Maybe there's a trick?
A solarium sounds like it might be your ticket. Sort of like a greenhouse you don't have to leave the house to access? I'm fond of little ferns by the sink, but they don't usually make it long either. I haven't figured out how to keep house plants going.
I have many tadpoles on the porch again this year. I'm not feeling up to caring for them. I'm afraid they're on their own. Will see how that goes. There are several sizes in 2 containers. The metal container has only one size....and not that many. I usually feed them and clean containers, bc I'm afraid they'll run out of oxygen.
This year there's a lot of plant material and algea in each container. Will be fun to see how quickly they go through it. At that point I already know I won't be able to resist feeding them frozen spinach and moving most of them to a tall garbage container full of rain water for them to grow in.
Well..... there it is. I'm as co dependent as ever.... just making noises to stop. I see that clearly now. I can't even picture putting myself first in my life.
I hope your house hunting goes well. Rooting for you, always: )
::looking for coffee cup..... again::.
I didn't realize you were taking the classes. My cousin's husband used to work in HR. He really really hated letting people go/firing them. It was excruciating for him. I hope whatever you choose holds your attention and some joy.
Lighter
-
No boot in the butt, CB. Sorry you've been in a spin, but its going to be unrelenting kindness to yourself gets you moving in the right feeling direction, IME. Why are we so very tough on ourselves?
As for the plants..... I think I'm under too many old oaks to get enough indirect light in the house to sustain plant life. I think. Not sure. Maybe I overwater. I once saw someone grow an orchid, bloom after bloom, and they weren't under any trees when they did it. I might try one more time..... bringing in the fertilizer..... to see what happens. They're so pretty.
The tadpoles worry me. I feel responsible for them.... agressive little voracious eaters. They're like little faery folk..... one day they magially turn into little jewel box green frogs...... so special. It's over so quickly. Like it never happened.
How's the house hunt going?
Lighter
-
Well,now I know why nana could keep that orchid alive. No trees on that end of the lake house. Mystery solved.
I thought it was just me, sabotaged by those Youtube vids and ice cube waterings; )
Lightr
-
For reasons I don't want to go into, I worked out a new meatball recipe this afternoon.
I just finished cooking them off on the stove top. Some of the larger ones were caramelized each side for 2 minutes then finished in a 400 degree oven while I continued frying the next batch. Pretty much a timer set at 2 minute increments moved me along without pause.
Ingredients
4 lbs ground turkey
5 lbs ground grass fed beef
1 lb ground pork
3 cups freshly shredded parm.... not necessary, turns out!
8 eggs
3/4 cup ground flax seed
3/4 cup ground chia seed
water added slowly to chia/flax/greens mixture to mimic bread soaked in milk
2 large clamshells mixed greens chopped
5 onions minced
8 cloves garlic minced
ghee for cooking
half cup MCT oil
I used garlic salt, pink salt, onion powder, curry powder, poultry seasoning, paprika and fresh ground pepper.... a little hot pepper for interest. I season as I go.... everything going in the pan gets seasoned.
Chop the onion small enough for meatballs and cook on mdm high heat in ghee. I chopped the garlic as onions cooked then chopped the greens when garlic cooked. It was almost a paste. Season as you go means you aren't guessing or trying to mix 10 lbs of meat at once.
Turn off heat and add the ground chia and flax seed to the greens and stir. Once it gets thick, add a cup of water at a time til it stops getting thick and stabilizes. I wanted it to be the consistency of bread mixed with milk to add moisture.
I like to make batches.... 5 lbs is about all you want to mix at a time, IME. Splitting the meat and greens in half, I mixed 2 big batches and cooked off a meatball of each to check seasoning. Getting the salt right is important.
If you're making larger meatballs, preheat oven to 400 and prepare a pan with parchment or foil.
2 minutes each side, on high heat, gives a lovely crust. If not cooked through I pop in the oven while the next batch cooks on stovetop.
The mixture is a bit on the wet side,but turns out so moist and flavorful.
I used a large spoon to drop whatever size meatball I wanted into the hot ghee, careful not the crowd the pan. Maybe 6 large meatballs or 9 smaller ones at a time.
High heat the entire time means you can't leave the stove till it's done.
I freeze 2 big bags of meatballs and put one in the fridge.
Next time I'll use more chia/flax/ greens/veggies. Maybe I'll add other veggies.
Making batches flavored with curry...... Vietnamese curry with cinammon and clove...... thai curry...... talian seasoning with parm cheese..... maybe some cajun flavors..... spicy ones....... to mix things up.
I can't think of any way to make these without meat, Hops.
Lighter
-
LOL, Lighter.
Wasn't imagining a meatballs recipe would be for me!
(And I don't cook anything complicated ever these days.)
I keep hard-boiled eggs in the fridge, use canned or frozen fish,
and beans/brown rice for protein.
Lots of greens in the garden now, so a big salad every day
is the goal. Biiiiig.
hugs
Hops
-
If you have snow pea leaves coming in..... pick and eat them! SO GOOD!
-
Last appt with NRP my stomach not functioning well, but everything else ok. Eating earlier in the day, by 6pm, should correct stomach imbalance. DD supportive.
DD18 a little mess bc of sugar....she ate granola bars and skipped meals the week before appt. She knows what she did. She asked for help getting back on track. DD understands how this works, how her choices impact her health and how to recover. It's interesting to watch her process and I let her own it for herself.
I realize the important piece, for me, is educating the girls. That's my job. What they do with that knowledge is theirs.
I've stopped....or.....my internal dialogue....my bemoaning lack of info re nutrition for girls when they were babies up....my lack of understanding healthy habits has quieted. Just stopped.
A lot of things stopped. Grudges. Racing mind around current stuff.....I know I'll handle it. I'll get to it. I've stopped fretting/worrying/resenting and life is better. Like my head's popped out of very humid hot sweaty clouds.
Lighter
-
In the pleased-with-simple department, I'm enjoying a new breakfast (for alternate, no-egg days):
Brown rice (cook a bunch, keeps for days)
Beans (dumped a can of mixed beans in the rice)
Goat cheese (half a disk, crumbled on top)
Nutritional yeast (liking that more and more)
It's savory, filling and good for me. Feel totally different afterward as compared to after eating toast or similar processed-grain stuff. Had avocado toast with a friend yesterday...skinny slice of that whole-grain-jammed funky German bread that comes in brick-shaped packages, sliced avocado, then a gooey softboiled egg. She brought the avocado and her own bread, I did the rest. Heaven.
Thatssit. Plus, Pooch likes cleaning the bowl...
hugs
Hops
-
Hops...
I love beans, legumes and rice but my body doesn't like them. Lentils and rice are my favorites. Add red wine vinegar, lemon and Nature's Seasons.....I could live on it.
So glad you're enjoying simple yummy foods.
Lighter
-
So....
NRP called.
I accepted Ed surprised and delighted. Chattered like a monkey about food.
NRP came to the point.....she saw friend's upcoming appt and removed it. She had 15 reasons why it "wasn't a good fit", but had made up all but 2. Guess it was her turn to chatter like a monkey.
The truth was....
The soup Nazi doesn't allow any dissenters in line. (Seinfeld reference) My friend is out.
No soup for you!!!!
NRP referred to as associate many miles closer to friend.....friend super happy about it.
I didn't tell her she was fired.
Lighter
-
Grilled a side of salmon last night. Topped it with Primal chipotle mayo mixed with whole grain mustard.....garlic salted fish before slathering up with thick layer of the stuff
10 minutes on high.....it was really good.
Lighter
-
Yesterday DD18 said her decision to see the NRP is saving her life. That's deeply frightening to hear and think about, but I'm grateful DD on board and helping herself. Seeking solutions.
Yesterday I made South Western chicken, Vietnamese curry chicken, dry stir fried beef with chili crisps and Korean cabbage....about 7 lbs bison meatballs heavy on caramelized onions/garlic/kale/fresh ground flax seed....lots of ghee and olive oil. Some with parm cheese. Some with poultry seasoning.
I was coated in grease when I finished finished caramelizing the last batch of very tender meatballs. This is an improved recipe in that we don't have to prepare complex carbs and fats. The balls have everything required in a meal.
This morning I heard the girls in the kitchen. Youngest said " there's so much food to choose from!."
That's how these changes work best. Taking the time and energy to develop or find recipes, plan, shop, prep, cook then clean. I still have to finish cleaning.....my way takes lots of time.
Last night oldest DD20 and I snuggled into a movie instead of cleaning kitchen. Vi showered and put in clean jammies while she chose the movie and set us up. We talked about her choices ...she considering ned school...eye doc or possibly surgeon. My brother is behind these considerations and I'm cool with whatever DD feels will bring her peace and joy. That sounds very happy dippy, but.....I really don't care if we have a "doctor in the family."
I'll support DD20's mission, whatever it is, but I want it to her her's, not someone else's, kwim?
I think my brother understands that, even though I recognize his drive for excellence and reaching long-term goals. DD can open her own business, employ eye doctors, salespeople and lab staff.....without 7 years of schooling. Becoming an optician with (3 year program) and necessary to have at least one optician on site in order to operate an eyeglass center, is one option open to her.
It will be interesting to see what she decides.
DD18 has an upcoming birthday and always makes an Alice in Wonderland sized fancy cake. We'll cheat this one special day then give the cake away to neighborhood movie night potluck......Princess Bride.
::Nod::.
I didn't choose it, but heartily approve of the choice.
Lighter
-
Maybe DD20 has inherited some of her mother's major drive, ambition and abilities, eh? Pass the popcorn and see what she chooses to do! She sounds very impressive.
Glad you're having these cozy moments.
I wish I had the energy to cook with as much care as you do, Lighter, even if it's a different menu.
M brought me half a watermelon and I had to wait for a neighbor's visit to get it cut into edible pieces (shoulder laughed at me). Very yummy, with a little goat cheese.
hugs
Hops
-
D D20 put in her notice at work yesterday. It was very hard on her. She cried.
She also spoke her piece and is willing to work till the end of the month, despite zero raise and a sloppy "review" by her new manager with zero power in the position.
And it was OK with DD. She's made peace, accepted the situation and turned toward medical school.
7 years if school.
Lighter
-
That's so exciting, Lighter!
You must be very proud.
She is a chip off the old block, Dr. DD....
:)
-
Update on DD19's eating disorder situation and treatment.
I tried to make an appointment with someone local and never got a call back. I'm sure this is one of the reasons I always answer my phone. That and the Airbnb guests....... I always feel I HAVE to have my phone near and answer it.
Anyhoo..... DD had her first appointment with a different T referred to me by my T after I litsed everything I coiuld think about to help find a good patient/T fit. Just zero BS, time to waste..... I let DD do the picking last time, and she basically picked them by funny names and many T's later chose the one with the best sense of humor, so..... the T had to have that, baseline, sense of humor.
She also needed to be immune to resistant, snarky, gnashing of teeth bc.... pain and that's how we handle it.
DD was a bit upset that I'd given ANY information about her and was upset the last time I saw her. I left the house.... so happy to just be away from her anger..... I felt hurt and knew she was doing her best, so distance was a good thing. Also, I didn't want her to transfr her upset to the T.
It appears she had a 90 minute appointment and set an hour long appointment herself, so it didn't go badly, IMO.
I'm keeping my mits off it, all of it... won't ask about it or nuthin.
That's my hopeful happy update on the DD19 ED front.
Lighter
-
We traveled 2 hours to see the NRP this afternoon and got there about half an hour early. NRP was in a really good mood. I went to the bathroom while DD19 hopped on the table. When I returned, NRP was testing DD with the different vials..... her stomach was off. Everything else was on....... wasn't chemicals.... it was parasites. Not the big egg layers. The little ones... active at night, which was creating sleep problems for DD.
Garlic Forte and extra Zypan was what DD's body wanted to fix her up.
I wanted to know what was going on with my shoulders and general falling apart physically when stressed. She said it was my stomach.... everything else was fine. Something I ate created the inflammation. NRP tested my shoulder with all my organs. She tested my shoulders every which way then tested to see what my body wanted to bring balance back and that was Cataplex A-C-P.... 10 a day, which surprised NRP, but that's what it was. That's what I'll take.
My friend got her dx back... NOT Cancer, YAY!!! The doc wants to cut her open an remove the mass as she feels it's pre cancerous. NRP said there's 10year old reseasrch showing the body encapsulates cancer cells and deals with it. Cutting into the encasulated mass will send those cells into the blood stream and entire system. My second H's grandfather had a cancerous mass removed and was dead within months. H said the air hit it and it went wild, growing out of control. His family felt it was a mistake to cut into it... expose it to air.... to expose it to the rest of the body system.
Does anyone here have information they don't mind sharing?
On the brighter side, DD felt really good after we saw NRP. Her mood was very low the entire drive. She's really struggling with depression and withdrawing from a vape pen...... not sleeping, as I mentioned. She seems to like her ED T..... not sure how much. I'm keeping my fingers off that relatinship anding her navigate it herself. DD says her regulular T siphons off the top layer of stuff that drive her to her darkest thoughts.
I don't feel that way about my T. I don't want to releaase enough pressure so I can go on. I want to attack the cause, get in there and wrestle it into submission. FORCEmyself to find, face and process the old stuff so I can be HERE now.
DD said she might be willing to give up her T and learn new coping strategies my T taught me IF I bribe her with Kitty slippers and toilet cover. Hmmmm....I think she's messing with me.
Lighter
-
Food a little harder this week bc current meatball batch is a little grainy....lacking fat.
I made 2 batches of organic checked legs. One on a red sauce and one roasted in hot chili crisp oil so there's plenty of food. Just....well. MY BRAIN IS BORED.
That's ok. I'm in the jeans I had made from my favorite jeans, ripped into a pattern. They're in the car headed to seamstress maybe today, bc they're next in line to be worn.
Will likely pick out similar fabric and have another 1 or 2 made plus a pattern.
Not sure I want to use same seamstress. Will see.
Lighter
-
https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/myths (https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/myths)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3724400/ (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3724400/)
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/treatment-types/surgery/risks-of-cancer-surgery.html (https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/treatment-types/surgery/risks-of-cancer-surgery.html)
-
Seeding.....
Spread through the blood ...
That's about all I need to know.
-
I dosed my chicken and kale with a Trinidadian hot sauce last night.
Boredom extinguished for a while.
-
I know if I were diagnosed with an operable malignancy, I would take the very small risk of "seeding" along with mostly-lifesaving surgery. Perspective.
Luck to your friend! I know it's hard to watch and worry.
hugs
Hops
-
Mostly-lifesaving surgery.
Mostly.
-
I will just say I wouldn't have surgery for any cancer.
I'd limit things creating the imbalance creating the cancer, but I wouldn't spend money on the medical complex. Nope nope nope.
If it became clear things were ending.....I'd might eat everything I craved and I'd crave things bc my taste wouldn't be shot to hell with chemo. It would be amazing to choose foods I love and just have them with my loved ones and commune...... I'd like to think I'd be genuinely upbeat. I think it's likely I would, but you never know till you're there, do you?
I've ever felt tighly tied to this earth, if you want the truth. I've never felt the need to live forever or leave my gene pool behind or create a dynasty..... nope.
Moving on has always felt likely to be a peaceful transition and rest.
I'm quite certain I'd do my best to be unafraid and seek out the joy in every moment. I feel as though I've waited my entire life to be present in moments I understand are limited and precious. As a child I understood that was something I lacked and desired. I'm hopeful I can find that state before any end of life situation arises, but I don't know.
I've had a few little mental twitches over burial choices recently, likely bc of mailers from funeral homes and that's OK.
I wish I could turn the farm acreage into green burial space, but that requires a local funeral home's participation...... I think... and I don't think I could do anything with it, but sell it, until my ILs and the crooked attorneys, bankers and boy's club pass on. Some of the crooked attorneys were quite young, but you never know when you'll find good people who do the right thing for the right reasons, even when they don't have to.
Maybe the monks running the green burial space on the other side of the State have the desire to branch out?
Lighter
-
So, I got a bit nonchalante with the food and falling off the wagon a bit with GOODIEGIRL chocolate mind sandwich cookies at a dollar a box...... SO GOOD.
Even if I make 12 lbs of meatballs..... we get sick of meatballs, kwim? I stop eating SO MUCH FOOD, when I'm not hungry, which is a problem.
I skip breakfast moreoften than not.
The last 2 days I've focused on eating enough fat and protein.... greens and veg..... and I've slept like the dead. Truly. Just.... slept and slept while bringing my thoughts back to the moment, over and over.
This is what happened. I was sort of stuck at a point..... weight staying pretty much the same. I didn't weigh myself when I was gaining and just letting it happen. I didn't judge it good or bad, but I did feel uncomfortable in my clothing and body. I allowed myself that honesty and owned it.
When I began eating right, not perfectly, I'd say I lost 35 lbs based on where I was when I last weighed myself...the fit of my clothing etc. Don't really care, but I want to document for myself in a way I can revisit.
So..... eating more the last 2 days, which is a good deal more than I've been eating, has done a few things.
1. Another layer has dropped off my midsection, despite weight staying about the same. I'm me again. My hands recognize my midsection..... it's a crazy sort of alchemy to eat SO MUCH FOOD and have things shift again. It's counterintuitive. It's a chemical reaction, not calories in calories out, which I've always known made no sense, but that's what the docs and nutritionists shove down our throats from birth and here we are. It's in our cells and difficult to shed, IME.
2. My digestion is perfectly normal.... comfortable.... easy and notihing I think about it's..... boring, really. Muscle Response Practitioner will tell us we're constipated if we're pooping once a day. It's likely most people feel once a day is doing pretty good and it sure beats every other day or 2 days, but it's not normal.
3. I can't say sleep is better, bc of work on my nervous system or coping strategies or coming back to the present, over and over or if it's good food choices, and tending to my adrenals or heart or stomach. I do feel it's a combination and I'm lucky to notice when shifts come up... internally or externally... and mark them here so I can go back and trace the journey.
I do feel deep sleep is necessary to heal the brain and body on a cellular level. I know it is. I woke up this morning and there was zero shoulder pain, zero popping, zero OUCHING over odd catching and cracking and it's just gone. Poof. Done. Over. Passed.
Just extraordinary to have something so debilitating come and go..... like..... it's someone eles's body, not mine. My hips are fine. My feet are fine. My knee hurts a little from dancing like a crazy woman for many many songs in the kitchen with DD21 who bopped along.... HAPPY!
And THAT bopping was bopping I've done before..... my younger, fit self bopped like that. I recognize I don't want to get old more quickly than I have to. The stretching..... the going into nature with baby girl pug.... the dancing...... I think esp the dancing has been restorative and familiar and DD21 recognizes THAT mother.
I recognize the ease in her body and the laughter when I'm my authentic best self...the self I was in early 2006 and before.
This has been an amazing journey. I'd say difficult, but I don't think it has to BE that.
As I said in another post......
before being referred to trauma informed T.....
I was in my own way.
I KNEW I was in my own way.
Understood it as truth, but didn't understand the mechanics of it. The reasons and ways to slip into the water (fig.) and restore homeostasis.
YG is mowing the under the power lines and I feel nothing.
Well..... I think a little gratitude seeped in. It's the same sort of gratitude I feel towards ASPDh...... for the time I had with our girls, when they were babies and toddlers and little children...... I was SO happy and I loved being a Mom. I truly did. I was 37 yo and confident enough to deal with an ASPD well enough to restore my serenity again and again.... even though with his chaos manufacture and confusing sabotage that made no sense and will never make sense...thanks to Brother Mud for explaining that during early days on this board.
I can feel gratitude for YG's help and refuse to let his behavior touch me... in any way. I choose how to respond, in my own time.
YG truly is NOTHING to me. He was never anything. He's always been what I assigned him to be in whatever story I told myself.
I get to choose.
I'm having a really good day!
Lighter
-
I have ABSOLUTE HISTORY running in the background. Right now they're talking about sugar's effect on dental health after it's introduction into Tudor households.
If anyone needs any proof sugar is bad for the body, in every way, feeding EVERYTHING bad in the body...... feel free to watch.
Sugar effects everything in the body.
Everything.
Plague
Fever
Consumption
Bad teeth are at the top of the list of problems suffered by the Tudors.
When my mother had a thermal scan, after cancer dx, there was a red line running from one of her molars to her left breast.... right to the cancer.
Teeth can be deadly. Infection can travel from infected teeth into the bloodstream a illustrated by my mother's scan. It's always been this way, yet Western medicine doesn't spend much time dealing with causes. IME, they've always been focused on treating symtoms.
I watched a program on mushrooms last night..... mushrooms are medicine, yup yup yup. Likely responsible for how quickly our brains grew yup yup yup.
Readying to head to the lake: )
Lighter
-
I had a really good appt with NRP.
DD..... better than expected, but back to weekly visits. Both our stomachs are the main focus, of course. I'm down to 6 Betafood, 2 Ashwa Ghanda and just 3 Zypan supp pills a day. SO much improvement...... I felt better, calmer, easier, happier and relaxed. NRP said she's honestly never seen me look like this before, ever. She just looked and looked and said I need to do more resting without strings... it's working for me. I also think I'm more productive, happier and creative when I do get busy. It's a balancing act now. Hopefully will become new habit, patterns and pathways soon. Just have to keep up and make good food choices.... get sleep..... it's a way of life to choose healthier things. I find I'm either doing it, or I'm not.
My nervous system is..... sort of talking to me. On the two drives to Altanta in past 24 hour.... I had that feeling I was going to pass out at the point I drove through an area of heavy construction...... trapped between big trucks and concrete wall...... so close.... so long and just thinking about feeling faint made me feel faint. I can conjure it. It's in my head this time... in my nervous system. I have work to do there.
With that said, I think the alcohol smell/needle thing is all in my mind as well.... of course it is. It's my pathways and I've done work on this before. I look forward to working on it some more.
It makes a difference to travel through most of the day with my PNS engaged...... getting more and more normal..... becoming more familiar..... I remember a time when that's how I lived. I'm there again. It's a good thing.
Lighter
-
Recent appointment went better than expected. Digestion and gut improved.
We did some one nostril breathing.....she rinded me to practice several times a day then pointed out my shallow normal breathing at the end of the appointment.
I mentioned gum and dental support.....I brush way too hard. Am told gums won't grow back. NRP gave me Bio-Dent supplement for that and Minchex for calming support.
I must chew the Bio-Dent. I gagged once in a Pho restaurant, which surprised me, bc it wasn't worse than the other , barnyard floor tasting chewable I'd taken.
It's the nerves....they make me gaggy when I normally don't gag. If I gag while brushing my teeth..... it's good information.
DD19 showed me a tick tock vid of a teen making fun of her mother gagging while brushing. I guess it's a thing.
-
Updating this thread as I haven;t in a while.
I gave up milk and began taking Cod Liver Oil to help with dairy cravings. 2 days later the cravings left, my painfully gooy left ear stopped popping and hurting and the inflammation began falling off again.
Clutching at better habits....... fewer processed carbs, more fresh veggies..... eating 3 good sized meals daily, instead of skipping breakfast dropped my inflammationa and weight again. It's like alchemy....... eating a lot more food only to turn it into health, energy and melting inflammation.... read that as fluff around my middle and just everywhere.
Calories in Calories out is just more Western medicine ignorance served with outrageous hubris. Just.....
the sky is blue,. the grass is green.
I still take the betafood, Zypan, recently prescribed 6 drenamin daily and I guess that's about it right now.
I know how to end the supplements and the nutrition appointments.
It's really really hard to BE in this world, around all the egregiously harmful but delicious food choices, ad campaigns, etc and make healthy choices consistently, but it's getting easier, bc I won't allow myself to fall into a diseases state, be drugged and cut up bc of those choices.
There have to be limits.
Wow..... acceptance is better.
Lighter
-
I see nutritionist today and spent evening and morning with my friend in Atlanta....who lost her h recently.
There was one moment on the phone where she was unhappy I was arriving later than she wanted to eat, but every other moment was....like cool fresh air. Like she released a tight knot or accepted something she'd resisted and her light flowed and there was joy and I was observing, sans judgment, just noticing and curious about my parts in whatever tensions we've experienced through the years.
She looks great, self care is important and it's obvious to see.
Zero alcohol.
Good food and conversations flowed....I brought warm Pho and cold garnishes. I'm so glad I didn't cancel this appointment, which should go well.
I need to make eating big b eakfast salads easier, bc I feel better all day.... it's a piece in inflammation and weight falling away, alchemy like magical no brainer discipline I can't understand NOT doing all the time as habit without fail.
I haven't changed enough old habits, but I'm working on it......I am.
A fundamental shift goes in and out of focus.
One would like to have it, but continue the old habits.... just not possible, though the mind pulls toward it, like a magnet.
Sometimes I catch it. Sometimes I slip back....2 forward. 1 back and it's ok.
Just noticing the process is interesting and hopeful where I used to feel badly and criticize myself.....feel hopeless when I failed.
I can hear personal tectonic plates moving about, internally.....and it puts a smile on my face I can't stop making.
Lighter
-
I love the idea of big breakfast salads, Lighter.
I do need protein mornings but can always add that.
I notice when I do my "shakes" that I feel much much better the first half of the day.
No granular knowledge behind this (though some general) but this grassy-tasting recipe is based on basic things I do know and some I just add for MORE VEGS. This is the latest one I made that I'll have alternate days for a week:
pea protein (5-6 heaping scoops)
banana, 1.5 to 2
froz. blueberries (loads) -- sometimes w/peaches
apple half (just have it on hand)
cup of celery/carrots (leftover crudites)
kefir (cup+, for probiotics)
froz. org. kale and/or spinach (1.5+ cup)
tumeric (blob)
red pepper flakes (judicious)
liquid organic stevia (8-10 drops)
All in my ancient Vitamix, which would give you rolling-pin juice if you put one in it -- amaaazing machine. Bought it for $200 about 40 years ago from a man at Rodale who'd tried to cure his wife of cancer with nutrition and couldn't. I was grateful and he was lovely. And I'm a big believer in the power of intense nutrition, just kind of sloppy in how I do it. Can't afford other supplement powders so it's just raw food.
I notice:
--my shakes are not delicious. They taste kind of grassy but nothing revolting or to choke on. I'm happy drinking them because I know how I'll feel 20-30 min. later. I freeze 4 and breakfast on one.
--every OTHER morning I have these shakes. The alternate bfast is two egg whites w/ one yolk (us. boiled). I make a simple sammich with a yolk divided into two pita half-pockets and the rest of the cooked egg white jammed in to fill. (Pooch gets other yolk.) Salt and pepper and I'm reluctant to admit it, but a fat coating of Veganese inside. Yummm.
I know I must be short on some stuff in the shakes but so feel when I stick to them every other day, I feel better. (I am happy when I wake up on "egg day."!)
Feel free to review my bfasts, I'm curious! And congrats on how your regimen is working for you. Bravo!
hugs
Hops
-
I'm drinking more shakes, rather than skipping breakfast entirely, Hops. Yours sound yummy and fruity.... I'm stepping around fruit mostly. All sugars are avoided, for the mist part.
Your post made me super hungry for a fried egg, which I'll have shortly. Yum. Been eating 2 soft boiled eggs on salad with turkey, pomegranate seeds, nuts, beets and fig balsamic vinegar....too much sugar, but I pick my battles.
I miss bread.....a little.
My appt with nutritionist was great.... I'm all 10s and pulled back to 3 supps. I'm afraid nutritionist and I had a "chat" she was upset over. I wasn't upset.
She feels our schools, vet services and all prison/justice systems are splendid....without fault besides "a few people dropping through the cracks."I can't agree and didn't, but really had no need for her to agree.
Her assistant was nodding as I spoke, btw. It's sad there's a chance she'll soup Nazi me out of her practice, but that's how she rolls.
I feel I'm doing ok if she cancels me. That's a relief. I've never had such a level appointment with her. I was so calm and relaxed.....we had a nice chat, actually.....DD wasn't there. It was just us two. Then she was talking about EFT, how she used to teach it. I loved that and wished our children could learn it in school.... that's where the wheels started falling off. I think any suggestion the US has room for any improvement is taken as unpatriotic rhetoric by her.
Not needing people to agree with me or get it or understand is.....coming up for me.
I think I just listened to my newly widowed friend and it was part of her feeling lighter and happier. Just to have someone listen w/o trying to inform or judge or change anything at all....is.... precious.
Lighter
And I realize,even if it's not ok.... it's ok.
-
Hey Lighter,
Just wanted to share that after the horrid panic bout (mid SLEEP!) last night (yay, Christmas) I went on a serious hunt for help that might not involve Rx. I sooo would prefer to avoid SSRIs if I can.
Ran into a supplement powder (myo inositol) that has had a FEW real (but really small) studies and one of its purported uses is for panic attack prevention. Got some, just downed it, and have to say the kicker was it's also recommended for winding down racing thoughts that prevent sleep.
Can you imagine? If this stuff (easy to take in water) calms anxiety and also helps sleep, with zero side effects, I'll be in hog heaven. I mean, it'd be a personal MIRACLE.
No idea yet whether it'll work (I'm starting with a dose way smaller than the clinical experiement mega-doses), and doubt it'd be useful for you (it's a form of sugar) but from the potions and powders department, I'm provisionally really hoping. A lot.
hugs
Hops
PS Cleverly, because this brain don't do no math, I took a double dose. Turns out 2 tbsp is the dose and I took 4. Whoo. (Aiming for 18 grams as in the studies but the algebra defeated me.) Worst thing that could happen is extra potty time tomorrow. TMI.
-
I wonder why doctors don't learn about supplements and Eastern medicine.... at least a little, just so they're not ignorant boars on the topic and maybe so their toolboxes are expanded and more helpful, proactive and less toxic.
Looking forward to how you respond to a normal sized dose, Hops.
Maybe take with food.
Lighter
-
Doesn't need to be taken with food, Lighter.
Didn't upset the stomach, just cleaned the pipes since I overdid it.
It melts easily in water and is just mildly sweet. No calories, no carbs. I think I'll just mix it in my usual water I sip while winding down. (Hah, winding down.)
I agree we need to educate our doctors better. I don't tend to hold them individually responsible for those gaps, as they're already overwhelmed trying to absorb so MUCH current science and tech in their training. But offering those who want it a more balanced training for less-complicated conditions that includes complementary approches sure would make sense. As long as we don't throw the science-baby out with the bathwater.
Some who specialize in Family Practive are doing better in that regard, I understand. When any doctor goes full-conventional OR full-never-conventional their patients are missing out, imo. Supplements aren't regulated so many manufacturers fill in with marketing where evidence (and purity) should be. Then again, the usual passing out pills and leaping to the knife IS regulated but so often can still do harm.
I couldn't be a scientist or a doc, that's for sure. And only reluctantly am a patient these days.
hugs
Hops
-
Hops:
I sure hope you get your dose right this evening and sleep like a babe.
You already know how I feel about small minded, ignorant, arrogant Western docs and how much harm I've seen them do so I won't go there in this thread.
Sleep well. Drink lots of water....maybe sprinkle a little pink salt into the glass to make sure your body can use it.
Lighter
-
Thanks, Lighter.
I don't think my body needs pink salt to make good use of water. What am I missing? We have great water in this area with so many mountains and a highly-rated public water system.
Nice news. I wrote my doc explaining about the inositol. He's known me for years and that I research everything (I turn down most prescriptions and he is always respectful of my thinking and decisions.) He emailed that he's interested in what I read about inositol and wanted to know where one gets it. (Told him the research is extremely scanty but did find that 18 grams of inositol was as effective against panic attacks as SSRIs, and also calms the brain for sleep. So I couldn't turn down a chance at a natural and harmless twofer if it works.) He got it. I asked him to let me know if he learns more about it. (I read more and inositol naturally affects serotonin in the brain, the same thing SSRIs target.)
I like the relationship. It's cooperative, respectful and supportive. I'll be sorry when he retires next year but have decided that what I will find then is a younger and female geriatrician, to guide me all the way through as necessary. (In addition to being my own advocate and researcher --plus taking the cafeteria approach to modalities-- as long as I am able.)
hugs and so far, I'm thrilled -- just had my SECOND normal night's sleep! I can't believe it but am feeling verrrrrrrry grateful.
Hops
-
That is amazing news, Hops. A second night's sleep!
How astonishing when something as simple as a supplement brings relief and healing in a day.
Lighter
-
I'm going to post about a lot of things on this thread...... mostly bc food is really vexing me right now.... shutting me down.... paralyzing me, upsetting me, making me angry and I feel helpless around it right now as food, as everything, is about profit at the expense of things I hold dear......and sometimes it's really hard to scrape my nose off certain pebbles. It just is. I'm on THAT food pebble right now, considering seeing my T about, but that's 100.00 to have her walk me through getting my nose OFF the pebble and shifting my focus to THIS moment, what's mine to handle, what's not (my dd's/FOO's/Friend's relationships with food) and DO WHAT I CAN IN THIS MOMENT, which brings me back to feeling paralyzed in the moment and it's a cycle.... a familiar cycle.
::I can do this I can do this::. and if I can't I'll make the appointment with my T, who's in another office and seeing clients face to face, which is very comforting and helpful BUT...... but but.
So, restoring choice, understanding what's there and accepting it, even if it's scary. Ya. That.
I'll post this here, even though it likely belongs elsewhere..... I've basically let the connections with all my neighbors go.... just dropped them, outside baking lovely little packages of gf brownie cookies and wrapping them beautifully..... I was unhappy to receive thank you calls...... I couldn't get off the phone quick enough and that's OK. I notice I have the old fear around not having social connection, but it's an echo of 2006 - 2014. It's not NOW or real or something I can't replace with things I find uplifting.... energizing....JOYFUL.
I want more joy. Less making do. Less negative energy.... wondering what the Yelly Neighbor said when Cowboy stops making eye contact, which he has..... I just dont want care anymore WHAT YG said or did or does and that translates into feeling less pressed in on, less viewed and judged and threatened in any way.
I can say..... I've noticed I just care nothing about YG or his gossiping and I might have ONE conversation with retired nurse neighbor about it....before putting it to bed...... but she gets it or she doesn't. She won't tell or gossip, as all the other neighbors would and if she did..... big whoop.
WOW.
THAT IS AMAZING to just not give a frog's fat ass about what YG said and who things what. Just..... retired nurse will GET it or she won't. I can return the tupperware to YG's wife or not. I can limit the time I waste worrying about not having social connection to these people and spend it on the people I find joyful...who build me up and make me laugh. OH TO LAUGH. It's amazing and it happens and if I'm honest..... maybe I've spent more time worrying about the neighbors and the YG than I have nurturing my amazing small friend group, darnit, THAT IS THE TRUTH.
And this.....
if I don't judge myself during paralysis and turmoil.... I free myself up to process the paralysis and turmoil and respond with discernment to CHANGE what I can change, make peace with what I can't and seek out what I want more of.
Noticing how my own thought patterns and habits keep me stuck....
noticing when I judge myself for it......
means I can do the work, get unstuck, grow and work through the next COW, bc there will always be COWs.
Doesn't mean I'm broken or unable to expand my window of resilience, for surely I'm growing and have more resilience if I'm able to be honest.
What it means is my default setting is to ASSUME I'm broken.... assume I'm unable to build resilience and that's just silly, bc the brain is absolutely capable of making those changes. Every brain can, incuding my own.
And that pattern of hitting old default settings, noticing them, steering over them and l getting on with what I DO want..... is everything.
Several times a day I NOTICE myself going down old pathways and anger pops up around it,.w hich is better than fear, IME. I resent the time and energy stolen by future fears and rumination of historic events I put down...... over a year ago.
Just noticing the space fear takes up in my brain is HUGE and I know it's important.
Every lesson shares a similar reactivity....... but remembering that reactivity, knowing it's not ME.... understanding I can put it down and pick up whatever I choose feels hopeful, but it's not yet second nature. Those pathways aren't all up and running, covered in fat and faster than lightening......
yet.
They get faster. They pop up more often and THAT's just what it is. It's not good or bad it's what's going on for me on this healing journey.
And the anger...... it's not AT ME, as it was when I started seeing my T. What a roller coaster ride.
It's at the reactive fear in my brain...... I'm ready to reep benefits of installing new hardware and pathways........ it's not anger at myself for failing, bc honestly.... this is the hardest work I've ever done in my life. I can feel my brain burning.... top right. It takes more energy to stop the old reactivity, which requires very few calories to run compared to higher brain functions..... it's anger at the reactivity still there..... and my slow response to it, even though there's improvement and that's another thing to accept.
These things happen in their own time, if I practice.... I get better at it, the brain installs new pathways and makes them faster according to my wrestling myself ONTO them, over and over, even when I fail, Ijust keep practicing and getting myself back on track and noticing without judging.
I should journal daily. Again.
OK, geusts just sent me a photo of their view through the Cottage window, which is the same view on my website..... just glorious... the Atlantic is that magical blend of blues the Bahamas offers. And I wanted to cry, bc that couple had to spend a night at a crappy Ft Lauderdale hotel (which I've had to do) then pray standby seats opened up on a really crappy airline known for delays and canceling flights over water on the runway and who knows what else..... THESE GUESTS MADE IT and I have to tell you. I noticed reactivity pop up for me, over and over, and I just put it away, over and over.
I accepted the 3 other guests weren't willing to jump through the hoops to make our Cottage happen. I accepted it was likely this couple wouldn't continue working to make this trip happen,bc it was one thing after another, as always when traveling to the island and I just let it be what it was. I didn't wring my hands or knash my teeth, which honestly.... I WOULD have without being able to stop it this time last year, likely.
What I really noticed...... my dropping the problems/putting them on the shelf, opened up more room for problem resolution. I didn't get bogged down with frustration or resentment or reminders of the contractor or anyone or anything negative...... my brain got right back on track without too much fuss and that's a GOOD THING!
My responses to the guests were all concise and helpful and didn't wonder down rabbit holes. The guests asks questions, I read them TWICE to discern what she needs to know and don't add to it.....I think I would have been anticipating problems and solving them into the future before, as was my habit out of necessity over the years.
That's not necessary any longer. I don't HAVE to do that and if I really ever do..... I've got all the answers and I can send them as needed.....not all up front, bc I feel obligated to be more than honest, more than forthcoming, more than helpful in every single way I possibly can be, bc that's where my worth is..... in my own head. I'm not responsible for everyone and everything all the time, but that's how I've been operating IN my head and that doesnt leave a lot of room for other things, IME.
So, ya.... this guest (2 of the orginal 5) and I had a different experience..... I was very mindful of my focus and the trip is working out,which is an absolute miracle and I'll take it as proof shifting focus to postive responsiveness beats the heck out of reactivity focused on the negative, yup yup yup.
Just...... amazing. I consider this manifesting something good and understanding the difference between manifesting what I'm leaving behind.... have I LEFT those things behind? I'm not sure, but I'm curious to see how this manifesting what I want works out for me.
It feeeeeeels like the old reactivity is smaller in my brain, taking up less space, utilizing fewer calories..... if that makes sense.
It's easier to spot it....like spotting a bit of pepper in a big bowl of salt.
And it's almost like....... a part of me I'm not real familiar with is the one zeroing on the old pathways....... and it's exciting, if a little scary, bc it's a sort of confrontation, isn't it? My allergy to conflict hasn't dissapeared, but it's less....... it feels distanced and farther away.....not so charged...... just...... a thumb jerk and the old reaction moves. No need for a crowd or fight about it...... no need to pin it down and pull it apart.... understand it and all it's moving pieces.... just..... thumb jerk.
I guess the anger is from the part of me feeling helpless and paralyzed and I can let her know it's not her job to DO anything, but rest and feel safe.... cared for...... whoever this new person is giving the reactivity the thumb..... she's got it covered and it's OK if sometimes we get down the road a bit farther than preferred with the reactiviy..... we SEE it. We respond. We restore balance and trust the balance will be there, even when COWs create bobbles, and they will. Over and over again.
I trust the COWs are opportunities to practice and not proof I'm broken and failing and a failure, bc that's not true.
OK, one thing I've also been struggling a bit with is my relationship to the Lake house renovation. I spent a lot of time honing the tools and pigments for tackling the huge kitchen cabinet piece of this distressed wood job.....and the plan feels very solid to me. I'm a thinker....I like to work things through on paper, then do many samples and I've done those things. I KNOW what damage I'm going to inflict on this super hard Oak wood. I know where the damage will be placed and the depth of it and the width of the marks.....the brown an black pigments and the sealants.... just as I figured out how to clean 30 years of cooking grime off them..... and I stopped worrying about breaking the doors in half, which has happened to me on other jobs, but it won't on THIS job and if it does....... it's just a door repair. Not the end of the world, not a failure, just a problem waiting for it's solution and I have that too.
So...... ya. The kitchen is lined up to be finished. I've decided not to paint all the upstairs doors black. There will be some painted doors, but they're not all going black, which I really liked, but the distressed wood is something my heart swoons over, even if it's more work for me. I adore it.
My youngest DD is trying to connect with me lately....... and there was a lot of frustration for her when trying to talk to me lately. I think her T is helping....... I can honestly say.... I think she wants to bash her head on the sidewalk if any old references of the PDs in our lives come up...... or PDs in general. She understands PDs perfectly well. She doesn't want to dwell or go down rabbit holes with me and that's timely,bc I don't want to either: )
So, more dancing in the kitchen (which still happens)...... and... as I write this a big truck just sprayed what's likely salt water onto our circle and road leading up to it. There's mostly slush at this point. DD21L will have an easier time getting in and out of the neighborhood and that feels really good. We're getting along just fine..... I've sent both girls links to a Cardiologist's Youtube talk about things they already know...... bless me for caring, but I know I have to step back and let them chart their own paths.
I'll try to chart just my own; )
Lighter
-
Things are better when I stop focusing on others. Not perfect but so much better.
DD21 and I built a glass cabinet yesterday. It was a lesson in patience and who we are under pressure. DD19 is patient, kind and did what she needed to get the job done. I let her lead bc they're her glass cases.
We drove 2 hours to save her $300.00 in shipping costs.....that included the cases being assembled, btw.
There were missing pieces DD had to order from Sweden to complete the second unit. She did that with patience and efficiency. No frustration outside my opening parts bags to identify all were there....she didn't trust that step.
We built one cabinet twice, bc ....a fraction of an inch error there was no escaping.....had to happen that way.
DD learned quickly how difficult DIY furniture is. Esp tall heavy pieces of glass with two people pushing and pulling at once from top to bottom.
I've pulled back from food worry. Girls do better when I do.
I realize I'm never going to be fixed. I learn new things, practice, get better at practicing, or forget. I learn from forgetting, then feel great about figuring it out more deeply....right before awareness of another sore/blind spot pops up.
I think any expectations I held around being "fixed" are turning into acceptance..... there will always be challenges and practicing mindfulness doesn't mean I won't get tipped into survival brain and I should expect it. Over and over. There truly is a COW of the week, every week and it's ok.
The guest at the cottage is lovely, but every day I get questions and reports challenging my serenity. Yesterday the wifi went out which means she's bored and struggling and I have the chance to learn all the puzzles I told her to find.....are gone. There's marker on the coffee table.....I walk her through steps anyone else might figure out and maybe the back and forth is a coping strategy for her.
I will go and write out updated instructions and information in the guest book, etc. Needs to be done, but I'm tuned into my reactivity and on top of it. Noticing my inclination to feel I've done something wrong and spin spin spin in that....blaming a bit.....trying to fix fix fix things I didn't cause and have no power to fix. I can calm it down pretty quickly....do what I can, then put it down....just do it without going back and forth, over and over with her till it's feeling solid.
THIS is everything, all of the time, regardless of the crisis.... I'm learning how to meet it, handle it and accept whatever it turned into as it is....without needing it to be something else. The lesson presents itself over and over.
My figuring this out impacts the relationships in my life positively.
My forgiving myself for forgetting or becoming overwhelmed is a huge part of growth or no growth. I have many opportunities daily to practice all of it and focus on any moment I judge negatively is like standing still..... remaining negative and judgy shuts growth down, but turns into lessons and more trust in the practices and myself.
I didn't realize how much judgment I have until I tried to put it down. The judgment slows everything down, but shows me the lessons again. It's not good or bad.
Lighter
-
guest at the cottage is lovely, but every day I get questions and reports challenging my serenity.
I noticed that you felt upset enough to worry/lose serenity over:
--wifi outage (after a storm?)
--puzzles
--marker on a coffee table
I'm not clear on whether "cottage" meant island or lake. But either way, presumably an adult who travels has enough inner resources to deal with things outside your/their control, including self-amusement w/o puzzles (books?) during a wifi outage, and deciding not to sweat something like marks on a table!
Very impressed about a glass cabinet. I was imagining Ikea assembly, which is as close as I allow myself to get to such things.
Great insights about reactivity and judgment, Lighter. Exhausting to have adrenalin surging over and over. You deserve to release things. Or maybe "respond and release" will take the place of "react." Sounds like big work and big progress.
hugs
Hops (also unfixed)
-
Hi, Hops:
it's the island cottage. The lake is still in a huge state of renovation..... no guests till the upstairs is finished, at least.
I'm pretty content to notice discomfort and distress over all the many things creating it for me. I've spent enough time at the cottage to understand feeling cut off and isolated there...... having nothing to take my attention off the work, but mostly my discomfort around asking others for help AND feeling I need to do more more more despite my ability to be somewhere to do it or make it happen,bc it's out of my control. I didn't tell you guys..... this kind, sweet, very dear guest asked me when the last time I'd visited the cottage was.... if I" didn't mind answering."
Ouch. It felt like a pinch to the back of the arm, if I'm being honest, bc I haven't been there since the week COVID made it's big arrival on the scene. I'm feeling whipped by urgency to GET TO THE ISLAND and touch up paint, clean marker off furniture, restock puzzles, replace slip covers, update information/directions/fluff PILLOWS! It's madness, but it's my madness and I'm amazed every time it comes up and I manage to DO what I can then put it on the shelf, over and over..... messy but ends up feeling so elegant when I succeed. It's exciting..... but messy. Hopeful, really.
I have a stack of items to bring to the cottage...... I'll get to it and do what I can, as I can. It's going to be OK. I know it is.
As for the kids, me and food...... I'm doing my thing. They're doing theirs. I'm notr fretting or worrying about them or their choices today and they seem to do better for it. DD21 making healthier choices and including sister's and my needs on some of her food choices at the grocery store. She's pleasant and engaging and offers up support when I least expect it. I assume I'll just keep hammering away at shifting away from being overwhelmed..... getting my nose off my pebbles.
I'll never have my nose off the pebbles for good and that's OK. It helps me to not feel defeated when it happens. It's another opportunity to practice, yup yup yup.
Respond and release sound really good together, Hops.
Lighter
-
The friend who lost her cool with the Nutritionist texted my sister and me today. She'd sent post op pics after her lumpectomy and details of finding her sister's friend deceased on his bathroom floor, naked and covered in vomit...... and more details sis and I just don't have the stomach for. I think some Southern women, used to getting along by being interesting and funny and a bit shocking, have a tolerance for the shocking I don't share.
And I put my feelings around that relationship in order, bc my firsnstinct was to feel guilty for not being in touch or touching base after her surgery....... but that passed. I wanted to help her, but I think I just put more pressure on her and wasn't helpful in useful ways that lasted.
In the meantime, I'm here for short bouts of texting updates with her..... we've known each other since high school...... it's a connection getting more rare these years.....and we've known each others stories, shared some of the harder things. She's been in Therapy and those discussions are the better discussions. I wish I cared more about the family history stuff she's doing for us, but I just don't.
-
I've been very busy in the kitchen recently. All three of our household LOVE the full fat OATLEY brand oat milk in the dark blue container. It's just lovely, even though the Rapeseed oil and sugar content is less than optimal. I'm hoping this is my jumping off point to stop needing any milk replacement.
Last night we made a tomato sauce. Orange lentils the day before yesterday an black lentils last night...... the orange lentils are a great replacement for potatoes or pasta, IMO. Very starchy and hold flavor beautifully. I cook down an onion and fresh tomatoes or canned then add whatever spices...... curry is really good with lentils. Sometimes I add lemon juice and red wine vinegar when I serve them.......really like the acid. The black lentils are nice when not overcooked.
Oldest DDL is off meat, but loving tofu and fish. I'm going to try to sneak tempeh in, since it's fermented tofu and supposed to be better for her. We made a crispy tofu, ground meat filling for dumplings wrapped in the round rice paper wrappers we typically make fresh rolls with. We made rather large square packages with double rice wrappings then pan fried on fairly low heat......the thin rice paper wants to burn easily. I find buying the smaller rice wrappers is better than purchasing the larger ones, for sure.
THESE DUMPLINGS WERE SO GOOD!!! They remind me of the footballs at a good dim sum restaurant, YUM. We ate them up in 2 days and were sad when they were gone. As the dumplings were also very greasy, I'm conflicted also, but it's difficult to stop eating them at the same time. They're very crispy super chewy out of the oil and very sticky when refrigerated. Not easy to eat, why do I love them so much!!?
I buy GF oyster and soy sauce, which has the same flavors as regular.
Now Liquid monk fruit sweetener from Whole Foods does the trick for me and seems to be all Monk fruit and not a blend.
Lots of pickled and beeted eggs on the menu lately...... almost soft boiled, but a bit over that. There's a farm nearby selling duck and chicken eggs I want to visit. The girls say they'd rather crush their ankles than go with me even though they have pigs and all kinds of birds and goats. DDJ says she'd have all those different kinds of poop on her shoes, which is enough to keep her home.
That's my food update.
Lighter
-
As I sit in a tub with eucalyptus, clove and peppermint essential oils I realized how I've been craving and eating things with warm spices like Vietnamese curry, pears with liverwurst and allspice and cinnamon in my beeted eggs.
This bath is SO amazing. The cloves and peppermint together.... so good.
Lighter
-
Penzeys has a curry blend called The Now Curry with tumeric, coriander, cumin, garlic, black pepper, fenugreek, cayenne, cinnamon, fennel, nutmeg, white pepper, cilantro, cloves, cardamom and ginger my buddy sent us at Christmas. Everyone in the house loved it in the orange lentil dish cooked down with onions and tomatoes.