Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 26, 2024, 05:27:05 PM
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Yeah, I'm kinda late getting this started. My excuses are multitude! <wink>
I've been doing the rip van winkle thing again... literally sleeping a lot and not spending a lot of time thinking about much of anything. Reading trash novels, watching tv... Hol is going through some intense emotial whiplash stuff lately which has required a good bit of my participation in listening to her. It's not all about S either. But she did announce the other day, she's done sifting through all her old stuff with an agonizingly fine tooth comb.
Her solar system went on the fritz a few weeks ago. After finding and bringing in a tech that specializes in her equipment, getting the generator guy out TWICE... with no success getting the genny to power up her batteries... solar guy said have the propane company come out & check pressure in the lines & regulator. One regulator was replaced today & genny fired right up. She heats with wood so that wasn't a problem and during the days she got enough solar charge, that if she turned everything off at night - she had power in the morning to make coffee & get a shower. She is now a LOT more educated in system now! So much for avoiding power outages off-grid... LOL.
But that issue got her pretty unsettled and freaked out. I'm hearing a lot about her trying to down-regulate her emotional state lately. And like it or not, some of this may be hormonal dysregulation due to menopause.
B is still "on hold" with the docs, this time waiting on a referral to a urologist to prove he doesn't have prostate issues, before surgeon attempts to relocate stimulator leads. (Fingers crossed this possible! It's much less invasive than having this one removed and the normal spinal one implanted - IF that's even possible with a specialist surgeon and all his back issues.) He got set up for pump refills with home infusion - and his nurse is a real trip! Way too perky & chatty... but a real nice girl. Local even. She was out yesterday to program the pump bolus - a controller that will let him boost his normal dose up to 3 times a day, a specified amount. It was enough to last about 3-4 hours and then it just goes away. He's clearly feeling better today - and maybe some of that is being able to control the pain relief himself. At this point, the stimulator is turned off and will stay off due to the side effects - so I've been trying to find anything I can to help give him even 10 minutes of relief. Heating pad, capsaisin, and so far what's helping the most is a nerve tonic tincture. I've got a list of herbs to acquire for teas & tinctures and Hol had a lot of skullcap to share. I've got some growing too.
I don't know if he's staying until after his April appts or not. He hasn't said anything one way or the other.
I've been mudding drywall in the studio and sponging and putting the next layer on, etc. Purging a lot of the craft stuff I've stored for 20-30 years. Hol's friend Jess took some home for her little girl. I really have the urge to clear a LOT of stuff out right now, and need to when we start work on the ceiling so there's less to work around. I know we're building woodsheds this spring/summer and the driveway needs many trucks of gravel. But other than planting that's all I know of for new projects. Maybe a delivery drop box at the gate for UPS/FedEx... since they notified us of delays due to "impassible driveway". Funny - we got in/out just fine. <shrug>
I'm getting a first-hand education in the psych impacts of chronic pain. How it affects mood, drains away resilience and objectivity... so many aspects I can observe. But I almost never see him just give up. He has his normal household jobs and no matter what, he does those. When he's got the extra relief - he keeps going on the rest of the vehicles and projects. We've burned a lot of wood this winter. Didn't NEED to, but it is cozy and the heat helps with the relief.
Business stuff is going well and new Prez is beginning to think of what ELSE we could make with our machinery - while the retired Prez (who is the machining/computer design whiz) is working 3 days a week on updating some of our capabilities. He's always done custom, one-off designs for certain customers. New bookkeeper got a big raise & bonus the end of the year - she is doing a bang up job with the software and finding all kinds of ways to cut expenses too. We're going to have to start planning to replace equipment soon.
Kitties are well & keeping us highly entertained. B has bought himself a tool, with which to make "fun money" sharpening knives & scissors. It's also a good distraction from pain to focus like that. And he doesn't want to be completely dependent on me. The usual guy mentality.
So, it's been a quiet time around here and just not a lot to say. He and I are still learning the finer points about each other and when he feels better, I feel better too. It's difficult not being able to help much... and I miss the B that isn't completely focused on bearing up under the pain. It's been a long slog through "the system" with him - 6-7 years at least. But he's been doing this over 30 years. The plan is, once the stimulator is resolved - then we can find out what's going on with his Navy retirement pay. Get his move finished up, etc.
I take breaks from him, sometimes just to shift out of the space where everything hurts & depressingly takes so long to get "fixed". But we don't get on each other's nerves on a day to day basis or argue that much. Then, it's usually he doesn't need to do something all by himself - when Hol is bored to tears and needs something to do and wants to learn from him. Their work styles are total opposites. She charges in and gets at it; he knows he has to pace himself and thinks about things first almost as much as I do.
So this spring should go a little easier than the past couple years. It's been a lot of fun driving Rudi again! Almost 20 years old and still only 25K miles on him. He got new shorter shoes before the snow hit, too. Makes it easier for both of us getting in/out.
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That's a BIG update, Amber. Lots going on for you guys.
First, I want to say I'm impressed, as always, with how well you guys cope with B's ongoing pain. I have a high tolerance,but ongoing pain is a whole'nuther ballgame for me. I went a day without pain meds after 2nd C section.... that empty needle wiggling around in my spine was the worst part. A man of action, with that level of patience and restraint, is astonishing, IMO.
Second........ I'm glad you continue making time to decompress and remain/get back to level. That's a good thing. For you, Hol. B....kitties, the farm and doggies.
I had goosebumps when I read Hol's desire to stop sifting through her old issues and self regulate more efficiently. She's noticing what's going on in her internal world.... sounds like.... and she wants to feel better. Is she seeing a Therapist? I hope she will if she's open to it and sorry to read she's having so much trouble at her hut. Those kinds of mechanical things overwhelm me too. Right now there's no power in the front room at the island cottage.... and it's not in the electric panels. It's beyond me and feels like a HUGE unsolvable problem bc I don't know who I can call to resolve it. I do notice it's screwed up whether I fret or find my joy. Sounds like Hol's figuring that out too.
It's wonderful to read business is going well. I look forward to hearing what else you guys end up making with your equipment!
About your driveway being "impassable"..... I imagine delivery drivers sometimes end up stuck or take more time turning around bc they fear getting stuck and just can't or won't take the time/chance with all the driveways they have to drive in a day. I brought my Christmas tree up a mountain, to feed goats, yesterday and their drive was breaking off at the edges and muddy enough to challenge my Yukon..... it's been wet here. It made me nervous and what the heck is up with ZERO street signs in the mountains? Not to mention.... there's only room for 1 car to pass? What the heck to people do in the snow, when they can't see where the road drops off?!?!
The mail box at the end of the drive sounds good to me, in other words.
I hope your tonics and herbs continue helping B and maybe Hol, if you have something for her hormone shifts. This too shall pass.
Can't wait to hear about your garden and, of course, progress with health issues.
Lighter
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For some time now, most of my "journal" posts have been about things & people in the external world. The projects, drama, observations... but that doesn't mean there hasn't been activity internally. That activity has simply been slow, quiet and very very gradual, with only glimpses of difference or change disconnected from the possibility of a narrative description.
So, lately, there's been a shift from "other focus" - back into some personal things that perhaps have lingered in a less affective dormant form while I made external changes. Dramatically illustrated by my dream-life, in fact. Intense, strange, symbolic stuff that - to conscious mind - comes out of the blue. But emotionally, they seem important in ways I don't see right now. Could just be the chile relleno I had for lunch, too.... shrug... but it sure doesn't feel that way.
First one, was situated in some kind of monastic or convent type estate. I was being pursued by something that I perceived was malevolent; harmful to me. Not a specific creature or being; more of a force of nature. I was wearing some midnight blue gown; no weapons; no outerwear to protect from the chilly wet night. I took a turn, at speed, running right into the arms of some tall but strong, maternal figure who wrapped me in a deep crimson cloak. Said to not be afraid that she/they would hide and protect me. /end scene
Well, that woke me up! No one currently in my life of that stature or gravitas. But I did get the sense of my old tai chi teacher. And nothing currently "threatening me" in my awake-life either. So I shook it off and went back to sleep.
Next dream continued the theme - the setting this time, was the home of an old, old acquaintaince from the 70s. Strong, solitary, maternal; retired professional figure skater - and she had performed some chunks of her own tai chi routine for us in real life. There were many people in her home; a communal situation; and I was trying to find some square feet upon which to claim "my space" and find a role within the greater, constantly changing crowd of people. In this dream, lots of people challenging my existence in that space at all - so struggle and conflict. And TEA. LOL.
Yeah, that one woke me up too. I hadn't thought of her in decades and I'm sure she passed on long ago. But again, there was the sense of being accepted into the protection of a secret group of "wise women". From some personal threat I am consciously unaware of. GO FIGURE.
Again, last night with the dreams... this time the old farmhouse we rented while I went to college. It still stands, Hol & I drove past it. The kitchen was original 1700s cabin (which I loved) and I was in my bedroom above it. Looking around at how the house had changed since 1990. More rooms added - someone living in my old studio room; a warren of tunnels, secret hallways & doors... all kinds of art & music students using the house as a home base. Yet my bedroom was spartan. Mattress on the floor and familiar views out all 3 windows; same trees. Both (adult) Holly & Amy came up the kitchen stairs and started trying to get me to leave that space - where I was content, safe, welcome and comfortable. Then we explored the house.... and couldn't find our way out. I've had this dream about that house at least a dozen times before. The people mostly unknown to me; strangers. So I don't think there is anything being messaged about me, to me... rather it's something about the house itself. <wide eyes> Wondering... pondering...
I've had similar dreams over the past couple years about the beach house - I usually see it in the dream empty. No furniture people or activity. The pool is covered always in that dream. The poolhouse - the space of so many memories - is dark & quiet. In real life, it was bright, full of tacky geegaws, & full of music and people.
Yeah, I know the Jungian symbolism of the "house" in dreams. No, I don't think there is anything left over, unprocessed, from all the previous work I've done. This feels "new". I have noticed about myself, the past couple years, that I was keeping my attention firmly planted in the external world - other-oriented and dealing with physical expressions of me. Like redesigning the studio. I haven't felt interested; no pull from - the shadow work or the void & veil. That seemed like it was closed for the time being. A "gone fishin'" sign on the door so long, I wondered if I just imagined it all. Astrology stuff was "another language" that I couldn't understand. I unsubscribed my last tarot reader because nothing she was reading was relatable to me.
Now, it seems to be opening up again in the "old reliable" form of dreams. I learned awhile back, that asking "why" and trying to analyze this kind of thing was a total waste of time. I'm better off "winging it" and accepting the happy accidents that occur along the way. And they ARE there. It's not like I move from being in one world or the other; rather when that side is active I'm partly in both. At the same time.
We think we have a local fisher cat which has been reducing the flock of ducks & geese; mostly just kills them - doesn't eat them. Ducks are all gone; I counted only 10 geese yesterday. Hol surmises that when all the birds are gone, S will be too. (I'm not so sure...)
B is happily adapting to having his bolus active - to boost pain relief temporarily - and trying to learn the best time to use it. He's been getting 4-5 hrs of sheer relief, followed by a distinct crash back into the chronic pain for a couple hours - followed by an echo of the relief for another long stretch of time. We've got the referral now for the urologist - and are completely on our own selecting one. I dunno what he's going to test for, since the stimulator has been off the symptoms haven't reoccurred. As I documented. But of course, we can't be believed; there just has to be something else going on with him. The tech for the device looked absolutely devastated suggesting he just leave it off until we go thru the silly process of more tests to prove it's not prostate issues or something else causing the symptoms, that it is just like said - the electrical signal from the leads directly to those S1 & S2 nerves. S I G H.
I am spending part of the morning & afternoon picking out one of 30 different shades of white to combine with the paint colors I picked out for the studio. Ceiling will be white. LOL. 30! I've got one more window to sponge and then I get the second coat of mud on. Already have primer for the drywall. Got exterior paint for the doors to match siding & trim... waiting on deck sealer... and waiting on weather. Meanwhile there are all kinds of "relocation of stuff" tasks to complete to prepare for the next phase of updating.
OH! and last weekend the new prez recommended we upgrade some equipment at the shop. It's a good investment I believe and is one step closer to making sure the kids receive a competitive company when we turn shares over. Bro & I quickly came to a decision to proceed. A big change from where we started working together. In fact, he was more on top of things than I was! That was a shocker. But a welcome one.
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What a rich and absorbing update in your last two posts, Amber!
I'm glad there's forward motion on B's pain. But I couldn't refrain from a tiny bit of dream pondering -- so I asked myself, in what way is Amber feeling "invaded"? My heart pinged at you missing the B he was before the pain got so intractable. And how deeply and tightly you are wrapped up by the nonstop necessity of staying tuned into him. There's vulnerability in those dream stories, perhaps a need for respite and refuge.
Has anything changed in what you need, so you don't get swamped by it all?
All in all, though, sounds to me as though diving within, heading for the treasures of subconscious territory, is a natural reaction to so much focus on Others. B, Hol and S. Unavoidable so much of the time.
For me, it's slowly become clear that despite my whining and wishing otherwise, being alone most of the time is a source of strength. Very bizarre to discover my introverted side the last several years. For writing, for resting, for calming dem nerves.
Here's to all of us protecting ourselves from Too Much. I've revisited those feelings lately with D's I presume temporary reappearance, and remember how Too Much felt all those years.
hugs
Hops
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Hi, Amber:
Another detailed update.... very interesting read and a break in the day. I'm struggling to put pinch pleats back into a very wide drapery panel..... SO THICK AND DIFFICULT!
About the dream with you in a blue dress, exposed to the cold wet.... and then a protective presense shows up with a red cape to embrace and keep you safe. My first thought was.... you're both people.... and maybe you're unconscious belief system is shifting into conscious belief regarding your ability to protect and keep yourself safe? I'm curious what you're thinking about the dream as time passes.
The farm house dream, where you're feeling safe and comfy in your old room.... then your adult children come in and insist you move out of the cozy space and you can't get out of the house at all. First thought.... Hol's been criticizing your choices for years and you've been paiently resisting and finding your own way..... but the energetic bond is there and her words maybe get in, at points. If one buys into negative voices, even a tiny bit, they have power in our lives, IME Do her words block your serenity and prevent you from resting comfortably.... keep you feeling at the edge, unable to fully embrace the head space and full belief in what you need and entitlement to simply choose it without question..... can you shake the feelings of obligation, if that's what the dream was about?
It's possible you feel tethered by your DD's beliefs in ways impacting your ability to fully choose yourself and your needs.... even if you aren't aware? Maybe? Not sure. Just my two cents.
About B's struggle with pain and the slow moving medical complex...... I feel weakness and despair in the left side of my back and chest when imagining the minutes and hours without the pump turned on. I'm going to pray the urology appt quickly clarifies whatever the medical complex needs in order to move forward.
On the bright side... it seems the tech is competent and interested in moving forward with haste. I hope you guys navigate the next set of chalenges quickly to get B's device online consistently.
Question......
and this isn't a nice thing to write.....
what if the birds go away in the next week or so?
What if the fisher cat has help taking the bird flock to zero,. just to see what S does?
Not saying the birds have to actually die.... Just saying it might lead to the clarity Hol seems to think it will.
Lighter
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Well, B has a large live trap that he's going to show Hol how to setup & use, today. As for "what S does", she and I disagree over her "strategy" (I say, it's her decision and she's been overly patient already; make the decision SHE wants). She has decided to see if in the next month, IF he can positively participate in a) the tasks necessary around here and b) relationship with her - instead of being so self-absorbed he can't even follow her dog training protocols with Kiri. After 5 years of the same behavior, I can predict the outcome with about 70% accuracy.
Case in point: yesterday B, Hol & I dove on a specific task - cleaning out a small shed and redistributing items to where they'll be needed/used. As she said WHY she was helping and that she was coming up... he said he was getting ready to take a bath or he'd come help too. <rolleyes out my ass> We were done in an hour, then Hol & B moved a lot of lumber we saved from deck rebuild to barn until we're ready to put up woodsheds. I went up to studio to work on drywall.
B is going to reorganize the studio garage for his purposes, and we need to take the drop ceiling down, to see the plumbing situation for the upstairs remodel. So, this way, the bird food can be stored in the shed in mouse-resistant bins - and there won't be any meeses running around his delicate precision instruments in the garage. Or my fabric upstairs.
As for the dreams, I'm waiting to see what else is delivered. Nothing last night. They certainly seem useful and don't portend anything negative. Could just be a "long time no see" kind of thing.
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I'm hearing the various groundhogs didn't see their shadow today. Time to get muscles loosened up, and some strength training... coz spring she be a'comin' early! (They hope.)
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Hol can't see S in her life is a choice.....for whatever reason, she can't. Not yet.
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Woke up to Christmas this morning, Hops! 5 inches of wet snow turned this place into a winter wonderland; a currier & ives print. It's not going to last long then, the battle of the "muddy girls" (jeeps) begins. Altho, I'm planning to finish up as much as I can getting my tax docs to the CPA, some housework & making dark chocolate & cherry brownies for Valentine's Day goodies.
B's been here since Thanksgiving. We've had a fire in the stove every night. The bolus (morphine pump booster) has been helping him a lot. He boosts it once in the morning and right before bed (only allowed 1 every 8 hrs) so he's been moving easier through the work days and sleeping better at night. We still have the usual crap with the doctors, but it's been easier to get him to shift focus to stuff we're doing around here. He does things, especially in the kitchen, differently than I do. But it's been pretty easy to adapt to that or just insist on the little things I want "my way". We are getting more "fun things" in our routine too... just little mundane things that are local, that please us. He saw a promo for an estate jewelry show in town that we went to. Prices were a tad high for things, really. I did see a pair of heavy lapis earrings that interested me; big oval drops - that would probably hurt to wear, especially at that price. What decided me against, was the wire fastened in the front. (Maybe 20s style?) While we were there, he snuck around and bought me an affordable bracelet instead. <swoon; it's those kinds of things out of the blue that keeps me enchanted with him>
Yeah, he's a packrat; he's messy (but does clean up after himself); and somedays just hard-headed stubborn negative jackass. But he's MY jackass. None of that ever lasts a whole day either. I irritate him too, interrupting his process with things I think need to happen RIGHT NOW. LOLOL. And I know Hol is a little jealous. We can spend the whole weekend at home just hanging out together, doing our own things and talking most of the day... and no drama occurs. She does say that we're still in the "new relationship" phase... but he's been moving in since 2019 (I know, right??? 6 years?? REALLY???) and we're spending more and more time together, contently. WHATEVER.
Given his last 2 marriages, I can see him wanting to drag his feet. And he knows I have residual fears from going through losing Mike (despite me still cussin' M's packrat gene; NO I still haven't used up a lot of the stuff he bought in bulk). But we do talk - about almost everything - easily. There have been a couple things he didn't want to bring up but did just spit out... and we're past those things. So everything's just fine between us.
Hol's been getting more girlfriend time, and I think that's having a relief-effect for her. Last one, was a spur of the moment sleepover - which meant we had to take care of the dogs, since S was working. I told her she deserved a night off & to enjoy herself - which she did.
I'm really antsy to get started on spring stuff: seeds mostly - but our nights are still way too cool, even with grow lights. I might chance some herbs in the next week or so and use a space heater. We'll see. Having someone to plan with is a lot more fun. Hol is too bossy & critical and only she does it the right way. SIGH. I can't stand that but she'll get it out of her system pretty soon, I hope.
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I'm so happy he makes gestures like that, Amber. You deserve them -- a lot.
Sounds like you both are dealing with the gritty parts of the nitty very well. And happy V-day to you both!
One thing I noticed with ExH #2, who had intense chronic pain from the rods in his spine and nerve damage (nothing like B's) ... was that his sense of humor was almost all physical. Goofy dancing, etc. So when the pain surged and he had to hold himself very still to cope, that was torture. His life as a monumental sculptor before his accident involved dancing up and down massive granite pieces moved by crane and banging chisels into rock or holding heavy grinders aloft for hours, etc.
It's always amazed me how busy and physically productive B sounds, given the pain. I guess at this point in life I feel that admiration about nearly everybody I know! But y'all both take the proverbial cake. And overall, you report very little irritability and anger between you, which is awesome considering the amount of work you engage in and obstacles he carries.
Do you think B would unconsciously wait on a proposal because he loves you so much he wants your lives to be totally sorted, etc? Or fears burdening you? Six years is a long time if that's one dream you may hold in your heart.
I'm touched that you still miss Mike sometimes. You think keeping whatever it is that he buys in bulk around is about that? Is whatever it is useful to you?
hugs
Hops
PS Oh yes I'm jealous of that fat snowfall you got! Here it's been flip-flopping between spring and some unnamed uneasy season that doesn't belong. Don't envy you future mud struggles though. Is the road up graveled?
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No, the road and driveway aren't gravelled; plenty of shale down - but eventually that powders down. Planning to add gravel this spring. More snow expected tomorrow overnight.
Mike bought useful things - like vacumn sealer bag rolls. Many things I haven't kept but I EVENTUALLY use up stuff. Most of the non-useful stuff did NOT make the move - LOL.
Not waiting on a proposal; we agreed early on it would be a legal mess for us to marry. He did agree that we could have a norse ceremony, if I chose - when all the medical is done. I'm content being his shield maiden.
Moving and especially being busy with his hands takes his mind off the pain. It's still there but because he has a task, the attention shift acts like insulation - to a greater/lesser degree. It's important for him to keep the parts that are working - working & strong; it's how he compensates for the lack of spine mobility. Remember, he's been in the military since he was 17; until just a few years ago. "Rub a little dirt on it" and "suck it up buttercup" sum up the mentality that's permanently conditioned into him. The docs told him in '94 he wouldn't walk again because he only has sensation partway down his thighs. He put in the work and I can't keep up with him some days. Especially in the woods!
Of course, he's prone to despressive cycles and there is PTSD about doctors - given his mistreatment. Little by little, he's been receptive to my ideas that "the past doesn't predict the future"... and there is a chance - if you let it - to be different "this time". Just that little bit of reframing helps him break out of the "I'm doomed" cycle.
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Hmmm, what's Amber been doing?
Carrying around an adorable duck who thinks she's Mama. I'm jealous.
Chasing B through the woods.
Explaining to Knuckles that being named after a knucklehead is a compliment.
Baking stuff. Getting excited about studio.
Worrying about but also getting calmer in regard to Hol and S.
Enjoying the sunshine and the snow when it comes.
Sleeping well?
hugs
Hops
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Just livin' life Hops. We have a big list upcoming in the spring, so lots of discussion/planning.
The geese continue to get picked off, one by one. B's noticed the remaining ones have been actively shunning one - either an agressive drake or ? There are too many drakes, Hol sez. S was going to cull some, but hasn't to date. Oh, and S is talking trading in the room he rents in the city for a basement apartment, with yard so he can take his dog with him. It's no big deal to Hol.
She's been ordering parts for the '77 Pontiac Catalina that she & Knuckles drove across the country. She & B are conspiring to transform it into the ultimate hot rod muscle car sleeper... LOL. Woodsheds are still on both our lists; Hol wants to fence a bit of her place to move the birds down there & have a good place to contain Kiri outside. Dog WILL run and refuses to learn boundaries. But she hasn't harassed the neighbor for a few weeks, since S hasn't been home as much. <rolleyes> Dog is easier to train than he is. But they ARE getting along better when he's here, than previously.
Hol & I both got bit by the interior design fairy and have been letting ourselves get swept completely away. She's sending me links for vintage french bars & worktables & fanciful wing chairs... and still trying to dial in her hut's storage & functional space too. So, we've been having fun letting the imagination run completely wild with ideas; sharing links back & forth to our "finds" while we toil away on the drywall situation. I'm finally ready to prime around the windows; she just started mudding/taping the cracks in the ceiling. B is going to install a ceiling fan out there for us and we have screen doors to rehang. When the temp warms up, I have pressure washing of the new siding & deck to do... paint exteriors of doors... and seal the deck.
There's furniture to donate/sell... clutter to either dispose or hide... and then we'll be ready to take down old kitchen cabinets (and fill those holes)... demo a vanity that's been located outside our bathroom out there... same for shower in bathroom... and choose some really pretty glam accoutrements for the new "powder room". My plan is to buy/build basically a "tiny house kitchen" to provide the basics for drinks & snacks while working or hanging out with the ladies. B gets a presence in there as well... his framed collectible motorcycle posters go up on the art "feature wall", too.
There's a plan; but there is deliberately NO DEADLINE. We have pluimbing work to complete downstairs for services upstairs first...and other things will always have priority. I've ordered replacement cushions for front porch furniture, and B & I keep discussing how to screen it in and block the wind in the winter out here. Or maybe we'll do that out back, with a summer kitchen/sun room combo...
B is doing OK. Some days better than others. The medical side of things is moving G L A C I A L L Y, so we're making a list of all the things OTC, easy things he can do that helps relieve the pain. Focus on what we CAN do, not what we can't or can't speed up. Plenty of other stuff to keep his hands & mind busy in the meantime. We're definitely supporting our local businesses - two places now, we go for lunch "treats". There's another new cafe that'll be openin soon in town too. The couple have been vloging building their house (in the next county) and reno'ing the cafe on YTube.
Knuckles is just being the bestest dawg... he's calmed down a little, and Hol's training technique works great with him. He listens to voice commands now. She's got a bigger job with Kiri, who's still a "puppy" - even though she is the biggest of the 3 dogs - bigger than the chocolate lab! But she has more of the Irish Setter build than Pyrenees and the Pyrenees stubbornness.
So we're all just toodling along. Feb has been a lot of "clean up" of little things we've been too busy with more important stuff to take care of. There is a big spring cleaning weekend in my near future, I think... and lots of planting of aloe & lavender that I've overwintered inside.
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Quickie update:
Still plugging away on studio interior. It's AMAZING how much better the ceiling looks with the seams taped & mudded. I think Hol & I agreed on paint colors; just two now so walls & ceiling are merely backdrop. A light peachy pink, white ceiling & trim.
She found me the most amazing vintage French workbench/storage unit. But it's 11 ft long and over $4K with shipping from France another $5K. But I'm not spending that kind of moolah. On the other hand, she has a friend (cabinet maker) that can build it custom out of birch plywood and put a nice wood top on 2- 5 ft long units. I'll paint the base black.
Found the ideal sewing table - on sale even. Shipping is gonna be a bit tricky, but it does come flat packed so it will be safe until we're done painting. The old desk I used before is already out of the room.
It's been rainy and we can't do much outside yet, can ya tell? <big grin>
B is still here but if he gets time between all the med appts he might go get another load. He's gonna start the ceiling fan install (in studio) today.
So, just same old same old... but progress!
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The studio sounds FANTASTIC!
Love the color, the perfect workbench, everything.
That's exciting. I'm imagining how much joy and purpose it'll bring you.
Even more than carrying a friendly duck.
hugs
Hops
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I think I know now, what the energy increase is on the studio project - it's a collaboration between Hol & I, though she's insisting she willing to make my vision/decisions "so". But she's had a LOT of input on the paint color and various "accoutrements" going into the room. The collab is forcing me to communicate the vague ideas that are morphing into decisions to her, too.
The initial contact with woodworker on the workbenches has begun. His prices are reasonable for bespoke cabinets! But it will take quite a bit of time. I need to spend some time on the plumbing rework DOWNSTAIRS with B. We need a longer bracket to mount ceiling fan. I'll just purchase bathroom vanity and my "tiny" kitchen and bar - but I need to see if my bookmarks are still good. We're tossing around doing concrete counter top, because it'll be easy to form in a sink drainboard. I'm going to need a VERY large rug, too. I saw something online recently about custom sized rugs and my local flooring place now has bound carpet too. I need matching blinds for the new windows & trim. Hol had suggested glass & brass wall shelves... but while the one she showed me is perfectly Toulouse-Lautrec, it's just a tad "girly" for me. I might have to look for something more substantial than that.
Meanwhile, I've distracted myself from ordering this year's herb plants and I really need to get that order in, they ship in April. And I'm in suspense about how much my taxes are gonna be so, I'm scared to order TOO much until I know what that amount is going to be. B needs a steel wheelbarrow, too... sigh.
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Updates, Amber?
Plants, countertops?
Cabinet decisions?
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Too cold for seed starting, still! Feels like 20 out there this morning and the 20-30 mph wind is blowing a skiff of snow!!
I got a first coat of paint on the outside of the back door at studio, but it's VERY streaky for some reason. Definitely needs a second coat, but it has to warm up first - and when it does, it's expected to rain. Waiting on Hol to finish ceiling sanding so we can prime - and she's had a series of "pet adventures" over the weekend and now has company... so waiting on her.
B's been on wood duty again. Big tree came down across the road to the highway. But that gave him a chance to ask neighbor about taking down a few more before they fall. He's got his appts squared away to go get another load.
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Moving so many agendas ahead by increments dependant on other people's actions.
I'm paying such close attention to other people's words, deeds and alignment of same.
Not to judge. Only to adjust my big girl panties and get on with acceptance, action and what comes next.
Lighter
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It's all sort of a sort of juggling shitshow, Lighter. I don't plan anyone's choice of what to do with their time; they do. With S getting an apartment now in NoVa, and working more days than not again - Hol has had his dog get a deer jaw stuck in his mouth and he needed sedated to not reflexively bite whomever was trying to help him and then, outside kitties on a week long walkabout, come back having injuries from tangling with either feral cats or "nature". There's always a minor vehicle issue to deal with around here...
and weather too. We've had extremely low humidity this week and high winds. (My equipment shed cover is shredding.) Last night, brushfires kept our volunteer fire depts hopping and they evacuated a community about 20 miles north of us. Hol still has a facebook account, so she was seeing the reports online (sadly, the ONLY source of county info online these days).
B's been cooking dinner lately; insisting on it. We're busy all day until later in the afternoon when we knock off, reconoitre, and plan out the next day's tentative outline. Knowing full well, that no plan survives contact with the next day's reality. Hol's probably not getting back to work in the studio until next Monday - she's headed up to B'more to watch a friend's play and hang with her ladies. She's been busy all week with friends who came out here to visit with her and help out another friend who's bought a second property not too far from here. I have outside doors to paint, as weather permits,in the meantime and B is gearing up, clearing up & organizing in prep for returning in a month with the next load.
So yeah, I still need to get seeds started and he wants to roto-till the garden Friday, if the spot is dry enough. It might not be. I did get more herb plants ordered. And I'll need another truckload of mushroom compost & topsoil this year - but the nursery isn't really open yet. Then I need to get reacquainted with the bobcat. I need to order gravel for the driveway, but first Hol needs some work or advice on drainage around her house.
I'm having two cabinets built in the style of a vintage "work table" that Hol found online and my sewing cabinet is here for the studio. Cabinets are a simple black carcass with one shelf and sliding doors, wood top. We have old cabinets to repurpose or burn when weather permits and sofas to swap. I'd love to clear more out of that room before we paint and repair/add trim but I don't see it happening.
Tuesday, B woke up and was just SURE it was Thursday and that was important for some reason. Then, Wed. I did the same thing. Today is Thursday... Hol's gone over the mountain today, B's feeling all the trees he had to cut out of the road, drag another one back up the hill today and I have just remembered that I need to do spring cleaning.... and don't feel like it. Maybe we'll just have "Sunday" today and not do anything, except piddle with stuff we want to do.
New keyboard I got for the ipad is making me crazy - a kazillion glitchy little things with it and I'm tired of trying to put up with it. Sometimes it works just fine and other days like today, it has a mind (an insane one) of it's own. Keeps typing html for emoticons all by itself!!! SIGH.
We try not to judge each other and accept other people's strengths and struggles around here, Lighter. It's the only way all this stuff can happen and keep moving forward without resentment. Yeah, there are disagreements. Yeah, we have feelings. No, we don't let them get in the way of using our brains to find solutions and let things go and move on.
I WOULD like B to get one of the 4 wheelers running so I can have the ranger back, though. LOL.
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Sounds like one of those crunch times, Amber.
And sounds like you're navigating it well.
Keeping track of Hol and S and B is a lot.
For me, lazy and anxious, every day is Sunday. Barring some appointments.
Despite my own busier activities, I feel retirement in my bones and am so grateful for that freedom.
I think it's because I spent so many many years working for da man.
I think if you didn't find joy, as Lighter does, in complex, long-term projects and preparations, you would be living in a condo somewhere, disconnected from nature, not enjoying your compound/studio/gardens dreams.
As long as they bring joy they are probably extending your life.
But how many "loads" does B have to go fetch before he fully lives with you?
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I don't pay very close attention to what everyone else is doing or when - or I wouldn't be able to do a thing myself! Sometimes, they work together... and sometimes one will work with me... to make a job shorter.
B does things "like I do" - his way. So I can trust him to ride off & do. Hol is KINDA learning about how collaboration works now... so I'm forgiving when she does "her way" because it's "the best way". And of course, she makes a lot of assumptions that aren't accurate. As long as the end result is what we discussed, I just have to "give" leeway and let it be. B tends to do more when he works with Hol, than she would like - because she wants to do it herself, under supervision. And in a way, he has as much trouble saying things in a way she can understand - same as I do. We see it in our heads, but it just doesn't translate well, verbally.
We are just about out of open space - for the moment - for B to bring everything here all at once. And I have a hard time letting him out of my sight, because he forgets to eat and rest before he puts himself out of commission for a few days. Right now, his timetable is managed by his dr appts/tests etc. So, when he goes back to get another load - he's scrapping, trashing, selling things that he doesn't need or plan to use anymore. And that stuff takes more time than he has, before he has to be back. Yeah, appts can be changed - but without a functioning stimulator sans side effects - he doesn't want to push anything back. And he MUST be here for the pump fill. It's not like he can just go to Jiffy Lube and say "fill 'er up". LOL. Time, place, technician are all highly controlled for morphine and synthetic morphine. Also, 30 years in the same place - and closed businesses - has accumulated into a massive amount of "stuff". I know it's emotionally difficult to part with some things (I'm STILL working on that) and it's physically exhausting too.
So it takes him as long as it takes. He has been spending months at a time here and only going back for a month to pack up more stuff... he won't be able to bring the mill this return trip; too much weight to rush that. Too dangerous to half-ass it.
This doesn't trouble me AT ALL. And I kinda enjoy having a break from all the running around to appts.
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I get it. His trips back to get stuff give you a much needed break from it all.
I dunno if I could handle a FT relationship so can imagine how much adjusting you've done...even though you love him and love sharing your life. Sometimes it's gotta be Amber time.
Hope you enjoy it every day.
hugs
Hops
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Part of it, is my finally acquiring a sense of independence. B has taken on, without me even asking, a lot of the things I would normally do. Hol is also, stepping up and doing. That is very welcome, but then leaves me wondering what I'm good for sometimes. So, in those moments, I flail a bit. Being totally alone means I can breathe into the relying just on myself space again.
B also sees/does the things that don't make it onto my radar priority list, but I know need to be addressed. So there really IS less on the list. But then, between these two people that i'm interacting with on THEIR schedule, sometimes I'm not seeking/getting my own quiet downtime. I've been working on that a couple different ways.
Lest any of this sound like a complaint or serious issue... it's just something I'm aware of and am dealing with. Yesterday was the first day I drove by myself in months! Because the jeep has smaller tires, it's not as easy to see now, pulling out on the highway... so I had a little anxiety over that. And remembered: so, roll the window down so you can HEAR too... breathe; be patient... and pounce on the accelerator when you DO pull out. This old lady still throws gravel - LOL.
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You sound so good, Amber!
Paying attention to your needs and time spent with others/spent alone to recharge.
You're restoring balance....
no.
You're mindfully crafting balance in your life.
I hope it feels empowering for you. It's ok to not know the shape of things all the time.
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Well, some days it's not worth the effort to try to know the "shape of things" current or future. By the time I figure it out, it's already changed again anyway! LOL.
We're talking a good bit about change here. I can practically smell the influence of change these days. It's invigorating to me - even knowing that it's the full yin/yang energy. ALWAYS. But it's an opportunity to exercise creativity and the challenges that do come, are chances to apply that creativity in solutions. Change makes me feel alive and useful because I tend to embrace it and flow with it, rather resist it, force it into a status quo pattern or feel afraid of it.
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That's fantastic to read, Amber.
And inspiring.
I can "see" you sniffing the spring air, alert to all the signs of the mountains waking up around you. What a beautiful season and place to experience it. Been there.
hugs
Hops
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LOL... it's still snowing out in the ski areas southwest of us. And it's been too cold to start any seeds here (at night). I don't have heat in the barn. But I can maybe get some things started this weekend. And I really need to get the plants I overwintered, outside soon.
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Very busy day today... more studio work & checking in with Hol.
Thursday night she finally admitted to herself that she's miserable IN her relationship with S and is finally allowing the grief over the potential breakup in. Tough night for all of us - B drove her home from the studio. S had left early to go get Beeb settled in the new apartment before needing to go to work. All while saying he'd be home Sunday - and not adequately assuring her of any commitment here, to the place or to their relationship. Methinks he believes he can waltz back in Sunday and things will have blown over & continue on as before.
Methinks Hol isn't having that. Not now. Patience has blown away in this wind. And she misses the dog more than S.
So, that's our little melodrama around here, for now.
Taxes were kinder to me than they have been recently... so big push onwards on studio and stuff we need around here. Maybe even a smaller version of the rug I found, that is absolutely PERFECT for the space - albeit I won't get as large a one made per Hol's estimated size which was ungodly expensive.
B's got a pump fill early next week - then he's gone with the wind for 3-4 weeks.
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Wow. Is S entitled enough to try to keep Hol's dog? Or is it a co-dog? Hope not.
I'm glad you're feeling good. Or better. Or spring-focused. Or all of those.
I was just thinking about your UID...you really are the Captain of your mountain.
hugs
Hops
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Beeb is S's dog. But Beeb loves it here since he's good and gets to do all the disgusting things dogs love to do. Roll in dead animals, bring back carcasses, etc.
She is an anxious ball of anxiety, speculation, analysis, and her own imagination right now. Doing her best to keep a lid on it and making personal decisions about how she wants to handle things. I don't think she's quite realized yet, that this is what it's like when you're doing all the work (even of breaking up) yourself. He replies with "I don't know" when she asks direct questions about it - and then accuses her of being mean to him - when she tells him how SHE feels. (She volunteered using all "I" statements, btw.) He doesn't even want to make a commitment to understanding what a commitment IS... what it means in terms of respect and consideration for another and putting in time/effort to better his own situation.
I've come to that description, after listening to her repeatedly unroll her hamster wheel stereoscope mental loops over & over. Working in the studio has been her only escape to focus and the satisfaction of "progress". Of being able to "effect" change. She's been reaching out to all her friends for support a lot, lately. But I'm still the most available person to her. She has a hard time being in the hut and we are in the midst of days of rain right now. Her old coping mechanisms are surfacing too.
So, with B trying to finish up all the things he can before he makes another short trip away for a load, I've been spending more time with her, again. And B is feeling left out some, too. So, I'm juggling as best I can. And it's causing me to clam up and do some deep rethinking about things... maybe selling the business (big step I can't make by myself)... other things. The other night it felt like everything I'd worked to build was crashing, falling apart, disappearing. Not a good feeling. And not entirely true, either.
I have another contractor coming out next week for estimate/advice on the drainage around Hol's place and getting gravel on the road. She needs a fence for Kiri, too. The only time Kiri runs off and annoys the neighbor is when S is home because he leaves her out and doesn't supervise her. Because he doesn't see Kiri - she doesn't exist to him. I think Hol is kinda secretly worried that S is the same way with her.
So, I suppose it's natural to be a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Cure for that is B & I going out to procure his birthday present and mail some stuff at the PO. A quiet day - sans no OPPs - for us. He picks up his rental on Thursday. Hair cut today. Cheesecake for him to take with... tomorrow.
S came home Sunday and will be gone again Wed or Thurs. My guess is he's still not going to address Hol's questions or acknowledge her feelings. It's been quiet, so I'm pretty sure he slept most of yesterday. She has a kitty to take back to vet today. There was a kerfluffle of cats out in the woods and moonie got the worst of it.
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Oof. This sounds prescient and premonitory.
Because he doesn't see Kiri - she doesn't exist to him. I think Hol is kinda secretly worried that S is the same way with her.
But how good it would be for H to connect the dots...sounds like she's on her way. She deserves someone who appreciates her strength but doesn't take advantage of her vulnerability.
Brava!
hugs
Hops
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I think she knows she deserves better, Hops. She is working hard at not being swept away by her anxiety or emotions. I have to be a little careful not to "advise" her on ways to think about his behavior... or even offer my honest opinion, in some cases.
At this point, I'm just trying to help her keep it together, keeping her focused on doing stuff - with the weather being biblically wet (as in, I NEED an ARK!!) - we haven't been able to do much outside yet. So studio interior it is....
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I wish Hol could see S without seeing herself or taking anything personally. He's doing what he does....I don't think he'd do anything differently if Hol wasn't in his picture.
Taking his actions and words personally seems to create a lot of sadness and conflict for Hol.
Needing him to have more, say more, be more is the crux, me'thinks.
Sorry she's struggling.
Lighter
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Since B has gone for another load, we talked again last night. Or argued, is more like it.
She totally gets that she can end all this, on her own via her decision BUT is still refusing to do so. That makes my head spin, exorcist-style. Finally I said, if you're NOT trying to control his behavior and yet after 5 years you think he will still change to suit you, then all you end up with is the same misery and something (one) else to take care of - at his convenience. And I left before I could say any more.
It bothers the hell out of me, that she seems to fear that letting him go or demanding he leave means no one else will ever love her (and it can be argued that the lack of respect and consideration for her feelings ISN'T love). And of course, she blames me for modelling this behavior for her. SIGH. I suppose that's why she latches on to the first guy to take an interest in her, repeatedly. She does tend to stack up resentments once in a settled relationship, even though the patterns & behaviors were right there in front of her plain to see. All while saying she just wants him to be happy and do what he wants to do... pretty much creating her own double bind.
I think I'm going to stop being so available to her microscopic detail pseudo-analysis sessions. We have LOTS of farm stuff to talk about and do. But those conversations are consistently hijacked for the same hamster-wheel loop.
I desperately need a break from it.
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I often think about how I get the most distressed when somebody I care about is affected by something I have struggled with in myself (too many times). I think what you said to her is the unvarnished truth. But has she gone to therapy to place this deep struggle within where it belongs? Or is she gravitating back into the familiarity of fight with and/or blame my mother because that takes my mind off the work I have to do on me.
What would happen within you, not Hol, if you rewrite this to be about you, not Hol?
if you're NOT trying to control her behavior and yet after 5 years you think she will still change to suit you, then all you end up with is the same misery...
I don't think I've ever heard you in more misery and emotional pain than back a ways, when you struggled with her over and over and over. At the same time, it devolved into big fights and her disrespect, entitledness and expectations and (NOT my favorite) blame of you. Anything she could throw at you or the wall, because she couldn't face herself when she repeatedly turned it into YOUR problem.
Dunno if I expressed this very clearly, but it instantly jumped out at me. Hol can blame you, blame S, fight with you, fight with S, but as long as either Hol OR you are wrapped up in the blame-fight-react trap you've been in before, no change will happen.
IMO, it's completely HER problem, and this is that old cycle of you becoming therapist and winding up sucking mud yourself. I don't fear it's going to be a long cycle this time...you have learned so much by learning to step back. And GOOD for you for recognizing it more quickly this time. Made me happy (at first) to read this:
I think I'm going to stop being so available to her microscopic detail pseudo-analysis sessions. We have LOTS of farm stuff to talk about and do. But those conversations are consistently hijacked for the same hamster-wheel loop.
I desperately need a break from it.
Maybe it's going to take a pretty simple conversation with Hol, soon. Ex: "You know I love you and get hooked by your distress. I've learned that it's really not good for me to climb into conversations about you and S. A good therapist, even online, is what can help you -- and I hope you'll find one. But I'm gong to steer clear of these analysis sessions, because they wind up damaging both of us. Love you." Sumpin' like that.
Too much advice from me today, as I majored in doing all the unhealthy things I could see so clearly in others. Draining, exhausting and painful. In one relationship, with Poet, we've actually gotten to the miraculous stage where we monitor ourselves for unsolicited advice-giving. I'm better at it now, and when she is highly distressed or agitated about something (usually her partner) have reduced myself to saying sympathetically, "Gosh. What do you think you're going to do?" and then shoving a metaphorical sock in my mouth.
What do you think you're going to do?
hugs
Hops
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Oh... it's not as if she REALLY BELIEVES the blame is mine Hops. Things get said in the heat of the moment and I know they're rubbish; and they still hurt. Apologies often follow.
And I'm pretty restrained on the advice side of things - only SHE can make those decisions. But she is a verbal processor and MUST talk out all the stuff in her head. My job is to just listen and when she poses a question, my usual preface is that it's what I think; what I do; what my opinion is. All of that is "take it or leave it", doesn't matter to me except for expressing my wish to not see her cycle back into the same misery trap over & over.
It's been an insanely frantic morning here; with deliveries and moving studio stuff. I'm just having a bit of a sit down before I go run some necessary errands.
OH... and next week, Hol's drainage issues will be amended and we'll get 14 dump truck loads of gravel on the drive. It's 2-3 miles long. VERY nice young man with his own company and Hol's eyes lit up like lighthouse beacons meeting him. Said he was very cute but likely too young for her to chase; she noticed he didn't have a ring on - which for tradesmen is just a way to protect their hands. We giggled silly giggles over how smitten she was. He on the other hand, was very professional and all business. Liked having what he calls an easy job.
She has another friend here helping to move a sofa from the studio that's going to auction. And another will be coming out to complete the greenhouse with her. So, she's already replacing S, practically speaking. Oh, and the ladies will be here for Walpurgisnacht... altho S will be noticeably absent; AGAIN.
So YEAH, Hol's been driving herself nutz being way too much in her head. It's good to see her moving/doing again. Fingers crossed her situation resolves one way or another without me.
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Two phrases come to mind, regarding Hol.
"What are you gonna do about that?"
and ....
"Let me know how that works out for you."
Not saying it's easy to stay mum when a child is struggling. Just saying it takes us out of the equation if we (yes, the royal, Hops) step out of the way so all the child sees is themself with nothing else to push against besides their issues.
You can't solve Hol's problems, Amber and I know you know that.
You aren't abandoning her if you allow her to have her problems fully, on her own, IME. You're opening up space for her to identify options and realize her power, IMo.
I think that hits people hard .... that helpful chemical dump accompanying the realization no one will save us, so we better save ourselves, IME.
Really feeling the responsibility settle on one's shoulders, bc no one else is stepping up to carry an ounce of it feels......
very real, IME.
Sobering.....focused..... seriously in need of resolution.
It's raining here now and I want to check on all the new transplants. I hope you find joy and focus on your stuff, Amber.
I'm trying to take my own advice regarding a struggling DD today. I've been distracted....changing travel plans ...trying to position myself, but it's not easy.
And so....into the rain I go, hoping peace and clarity fill and keep me calm.....at a flexible, but consistent distance so DD finds she can trust and count on herself.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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In this episode of the young(ish) and anxious...
Holly's drama factory has spawned yet another "threat" to worry about. An old friend who's actively turned threatening and refusing to accept her rejection of his persistent advances. Both B and I have offered her practical steps to take to protect herself. She may call another friend of hers, who has strong law enforcement contacts. This is on top of the S issues, trying to maintain a social life and getting things done in the studio, plants in the ground, dogs cared for.
I think she's pushing herself to a breaking point. I haven't seen her actually RELAX in weeks. And she's nitpickingly critical - and desperately clinging to trying to control for every variable in the universe while holding herself blameless. To the point of hurting my feelings pretty intensely a couple days ago. Despite her claims to the contrary, I think she's completely losing her shit. Hopefully, it's just temporary.
I'm hanging in there - but have been VERY busy what with deliveries, swapping items in the studio, planning/ordering and trying to cope with her verbal processing sessions. But my list of to-dos is only growing as the mountain turns green... the house needs to continue getting a spring clean... and I need to remember to eat. New contractor is supposed to start today - he promised; he said he's be here Monday and I have a job that NEEDS to get done that will interfere with his work.
I got a LOVELY assortment of more medicinal herb plants from Richter's (in Canada) again. I really need to get them in the ground and start working outside while Hol finishes the ceiling. First batch of seeds needs tending today, finish laundry... start working on beds & plant the onions/garlic. I'm late getting those in but it's been wet and I even got chilly enough I had a fire going a week ago.
SO busy this time of year! I'm trying to stay focused on the to-dos and NOT navel-gaze over the same ground that HAS solutions but no one seems to want to go there. So, I'm going to carve out my own path and let Hol flail a bit more. FFS, she's old enough to be able to sort all this out and take care of herself better than this. She doesn't need a mommy. She knows this - and despite me shifting out of that mode, to more friend mode of interaction - anything I say or do for her CAN trigger a resentment reaction.
B has his own drama factory "back at the ranch". He said he's packing light and leaving as soon as he can for the next month's appts. We aren't talking as much as either of us likes. But the connection is still strong and clear. He's definitely a rock... with feelings too! LOL. A rare gem.
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Well now, the mysteries are cleared up.
S invited Hol down to see a movie and go to dinner, Sunday while I kept two of the dogs; she brought Beeb home for a vet appt this week. Monday early, she texted she was on her way back - way early for a "romantic overnight" ya know. One look at her face, and I knew what happened. I'd actually had a premonition of it too.
He has a new hiking "friend" - M - that he wants to pursue more of a friends with benefits situation with. But he ALSO wants to come out & spend the same quality of time here with Hol, that he has for 5 years. Hol understands somewhat the "non-manogamous" lifestyle, intellectually. But clearly, she's not cut out for that and wants an engaged, active partner. Good thing we're under a burn ban still or she woulda had a huge bonfire already.
I think she understands now, about her choice Lighter. She spent 6 hrs with me yesterday verbally processing all her feelings and beginning to wrap her head around this. She is still having to guess at just what S really wants, and is hanging onto the POSSIBILITY (however slim) that he'll come dragging himself back here, a changed man. She knows it's a longshot. He's told her he isn't happy here - feels lazy & incompetent. She insists he's the only one who can change that. He said she isn't "fun" - because she's working herself to death on the projects she wants to develop out here. Likes sharing that with her friends. I don't think he's on the friend list even, any more - despite her claims otherwise. She understands she's been used as a stepping stone to his "new life".
So, this morning she's in a whole new world and has an opportunity to not make the same mistakes again. Thing is, he sold her on essential green man, homesteader lifestyle - only to wind up in a basement apartment in the DC suburbs. Not even enough yard for his dog. He made a lot noise signifying nothing REAL about his ability or desire to actually make the effort required. He just wants to surf from one temporary hedonistic high to another with no accountability. I don't find this a redeeming characteristic - especially as judgemental as he is about others. (He's still afraid of B - despite how much B has helped out & fixed the things S broke.) Hol is still insisting that S is a good person... sigh. If he is such a good person, why didn't care enough about what SHE was feeling and needing help with?
Whatever. OPPs. But I think she's past the stage where the facts were smacking in the face to the point that she now has to corral some of her feelings into a new direction. She does need to come to terms with her hopelessness about meeting someone new and better suited. And the tendency to blame herself (where does she get that, I wonder?) for why he couldn't/wouldn't do more.
We have a little bit of priming left to do in the studio, then we can start painting. Work is good for her. Contractor's are about done with driveway; much nicer than the neglected country road in TO the driveway. Most of the cabinet stuff is here now. Custom cabinets won't be ready till June.
Contractor is here, checking progress. Maybe getting his check too. Didn't take the whole 5 days he estimated. We're definitely offering him a couple more jobs! All veterans and they don't dilly-dally.
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WELL. She certainly processed all her feelings about S in record time. I guess all the pre-grieving she did does have a use. She's back centered & grounded and now the topic is how she can get away to do things she's interested in with other people, as a way to meet someone new.
This weekend she'll have her group of lady friends out for Beltane fire. Studio is ready to paint, too.
Contractor is DONE with driveway, two days early and a grand under the estimate. But he'll be back to build a couple projects - fence and equipment shed - so she can check out all his guys. LOLOL. I am really impressed with this guy; younger guy - Hol thought he was VERY attractive, jumping right to, to get things done and doing math in his head. I definitely like him and how he operates/does business. He was recommended by the biggest, oldest commercial site prep company in the city over the mountain and is a local guy to me. And he likes our place.
B will be home Monday. He can help me with the garden, I need to get some stuff planted NOW.
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Whoosh! And, gee willikers.
Dunno if I "disapprove" of open relationships or just think they're deeply unrealistic, and except for a few, usually wind up in HURT. I might've once viewed it differently, when I still had hormones. Of course it'd be nice if Hol fully freed herself, but her path may be rocky to give her strong muscles for the future.
I'm bemused. There are humans, including attractive intelligent male ones, in the town near y'all. There must be a few peaceful pubs. But finding some group activity there would be a more practical way to connect. Volunteer for something local if she's willing. That's what I'd do in her lonely shoes. She doesn't have to give up the city and work connections, but maybe find some local ways to connect to the social web.
Sounds like she works like an engine just like her Mom. I personally think you both work too much, and perhaps that's one observation S made of Hol that could be fair to ponder. But what floats one boat sinks another and you two are sorta Amazons and seem to be happiest when pushing to the limit. Lighter is too.
I've completely lost track of what full productivity looks like, but I've turned out to feel happier the less that's on my plate. As Stanley Kunitz once said to me, "Carpenters at work look busy; poets at work look abstracted." (Probably told this one here sometime already.) But I'm at peace with the abstraction, which gets nothing done that's externally practical or productive.
Hearing about your absolutely whirlwind lives is fascinating and engaging to me.
I wish you happy-busy, same to Hol, and loved seeing your comment on B, too.
Hugs,
Hops
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Yeah, I think her BRAIN thinks this non-manogamy is something she SHOULD agree with. She's not entirely sure about that, as regards her feelings. My observation is that everyone actually defines that philosophy differently; we used to call that "playing the field", right? Secondly, what she WANTS from a partner is a solid, show up & help out type with some skills... that she can also enjoy spending time with and have fun adventures with. I mean, don't we all want that? In some way shape or form?
So she's willing to simply add more friends to her circle for now. And I think that's wise on her part. We started talking about the benefits I found in being alone. The thing I wasn't - much or often - was lonely. I enjoyed my solitude a great deal. She's definitely seeing the opportunities for her to explore and grow in this new phase. And she's seeing through the bit of manipulation S is trying to run in having his freedom yet still enjoy all the privileges he had before. She's not finding it an attractive arrangement - it means he'll be less engaged & present here than he was when he WAS here. She's exhaustively analyzing what she wants to do about this; how she really feels.
Working physically, for both of us, is a way to turn off the hamster wheel thought loops. Being IN our bodies and feeling that, feeling competent and safe there... is good stuff for how both she and I are built. It's taken me some time to be ABLE to do that again, but it's been worth it. She intends to also sign up for tai chi again. It's a chance to meet people and it's another good tool for quieting the mind. Connecting with one's self. She's realizing that she can help out & give more to her lady friends too. Whether just babysitting kids or connecting and supporting them. Through those local friends - she can go out more and meet people. Just because we live rural doesn't mean that's a hopeless cause. It takes a bit of coordination, support and planning but it IS doable.
So, I need to give her some space now that I know she's not going to fall apart emotionally and make some reckless impulsive decisions. Let her chew on this some more. I need to do MY stuff, with/without her help. There's no absolute deadlines, except for the planting.
B is so anxious he even packed his phone already! Heard it vibrating and had to repack that ruck. LOLOLOL.
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Good riddance to S..... when and if Hol accepts his proposed arrangement to give much less. Ptooh. I can't see her making peace with that, particularly as it takes up space for something and someone new.
I do have to say..... I appreciate S' honesty. He didn't have to tell the truth. He did. That's information Hol can't ignore or explain away. Whatever unconscious belief systems are behind her willingness to accept so little from S can be discovered and sorted, it's hoped. Maybe all her busy-ness can be stilled for a while...... to just feel what's real and follow the feelings where they live.
Is the bonfire done? I would have like to participate from afar.
Lighter
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Oh, there will be more fire. We have a massive amount of cardboard from recent studio purchases and old cabinets that won't be reused.
And maybe a few other things, if Hol gets tired of waiting for him to decide if he's in or out of their relationship. Like I said, she doesn't really "feel" this non-manogamy thing. Her girlfriends shared their experiences with her and I think that helped. She's planning on working on herself with the extra time she has now.
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The end of a thing that doesn't work can feel like a tragedy.... a terrible loss,, ime. Until clarity lands and it's just the end of a broken thing.....clearing space for something new.
I hope grieving and time lead Hol into curiosity for what comes next.
I hope it's not fear and regret. Those are old things. We've all had enough of them.
Hol is closing ranks with friends. There's joy in that. There's choice.
I look forward to the bonfires to come.
Lighter
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Well, we'll see how she does.
I'm so tired of talking about Steve, it's just not funny. She's so obsessed, it's like she can't think of anything else. The friends help her process it a little more. I'm going to try to find a distraction for her... Friend Deb is coming out this weekend, so that should help.
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Well, I guess facing and feeling the hard facts vs the fantasy she held on to, too long, kicked her better judgement into gear. I noticed the contractor coming in early yesterday and when I asked how she was feeling that morning, got told contractor's estimates for two small projects to help her manage the two remaining dogs and life there mostly by herself. She paid deposits; I'll cover the balance (I own that parcel.) So, she'll get to watch men work...
Next week, her buddy and maybe a friend are coming out to help her finish the god-forsaken greenhouse. 2-3 weeks from now, she's been asked to help organize a white water raft trip near here by another very solid (and single, she thinks) friend. The group going is her core group of solid friends.
Then too - she got some closure; certainty about situation from S. FINALLY. That also helped. She's got the first coat of paint on ceiling in studio (while we dropped B's rental yesterday). It's going to need a second coat and she's trying to get some pink on at least two walls today. She realized - in passing - she can move her bed back to where she has the best view now and still have room to walk. She's packing up & storing S's stuff for him to take with him next time and do with as he pleases. So, she's shifting into notcing the silver linings in this situation. FINALLY. The intense feelings are receding, for now.
Over time, she'll realize on her own, how much of an obstacle S was to her, and her project of making her house a home. The rest of us around her have seen it for awhile. Some tried to tell her. But she had developed a narrative fantasy about the "relationship" - which consisted of her giving and him taking, without ever giving back and even engaging with her less & less to the point of not at all, about anything in her life - the house, property, dogs, "adventures"... and she's been grumbling about him and frustrated the whole 5 years. The one grudge I know kept haunting her, was that he refused to visit her in jail. (He didn't "like jails". ) <rolleyes> That DUI was directly related to the fact that S had frustrated the crap out of her and she went to visit a friend and blow off steam - getting carried away. I remember cautioning her when she left the house!
I ain't buying even his self-description. He's more of a serial monogamist; after using up all the patience, good graces of his partner, and then being asked for just the basics of any normal relationship... repeatedly, he'll search for and find someone else to leech off of. Never ever having said more than 5 words about his past. This generation's penchant for staying friends with ex's means Hol has met and talked to 3 of them. Same pattern. But of course, Hol was recently bouncing back from the Bovie mess of 9 years and understandably WANTED to be charmed into feeling part of a couple. And yes, I TRIED then, to point out what his actions were reading ilke, to me. To prevent this from happening, hopefully. She wasn't having it. Nor from her friends who tried.
Everything else he did say about himself was some made-up pretend fairy tale meant to "buy" himself out of actually doing what he said he liked to do. The "green man" moved to the suburbs into a small apartment with no yard. Living in the woods is just too much work for someone who would rather just play on his phone all day and be fed & picked up after like a 14 yr old boy. The "lie" got twisted into Hol's fantasy of him.
At 46, you'd think Mom wouldn't have to help her with this kind of thing. But she is rather isolated out here, compared to living in town. There isn't anyone else right here. So, it's a good thing she's been putting energy into developing her network of ladies and other friends and has been getting out to do things in other places. SAFELY, I might add.
Anyway, she's getting there, but Mom is already flat out RELIEVED that he's gone so we don't have to deal with this crap any longer. And if S just abandons his "stuff" out here... another pattern... Hol is not opposed to a really BIG bonfire. If feels like we can finally live our lives (B & I) without some new drama hanging over our heads to help Hol process. And maybe now we can get back to collaborating on studio.... and talk about SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE but S!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I'm exhausted!
So Monday, contractor will start building a gated fence around the Hut, so we can keep Kiri, the pup, contained and Hol wll have an easier time training her to voice commands. She's a smart dog; already knows some of the commands it took Knuckles 3-4 years to learn. At the same time, another team will start a pole barn behind her garage for equipment storage & wood oollection. This summer, B & I will clear a space next to the studio to build our own wood shed & wood processing "yard".
/end of the S saga & moving on... full speed ahead!
<BIG SMILES!!!!>
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I hear the relief and letting go....that's so good for all of you.
Hol does have access to an online therapist, who could help her stop relying on you as the safe, constant, no-consequence place to DUMP. For so long she allowed herself to depend intensely on you to sort out her own emotional and relationship life. She'll feel much more positive about herself once she has longer periods of independent practice (hopefully also in teamwork with a T) in discovering layers and recognizing indicators (of posers, narcissists, the selfish, and whatnot) and the red flags in hindsight. She can find nuances, too.
I'm glad she clarified her "open" relationship, meaning "the door's open and don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out." His entitlement was so off the charts.
I picked through the wreckage of two marriages for a long time after each. But I kept the pattern going: falling for men I could weave into my FANTASY of what would happen. Still did it on the cusp of 70, with M. Now I feel no fear of that mistake. Bit late in life for the penny to drop, but it done dropped!
I think Hol's smarter than that, and it'll be interesting to see her experiments and directions and adventures and retreats and learnings. But now you can watch from the comfort and closeness of being with B, dreaming your own separate dreams.
Pupper is chewing on my feet. My feet are not used to this. LOL
hugs
Hops
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I hope S is ready to move on. He might feel a certain way about losing the home, companionship and security of Hol always being there.
Hopefully, anger kicks in to carry Hol through and out.
I'd give S a date to get his things then use cleansing fire to finish that chapter. I dislike people using things to control. Hol will figure it out.
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I am having a LOT more questions about the competency of these pain mgmt docs come up.
We waited two months for urology appt on the surgeon's recommendation to eliminate the possibility there was another health issue causing the retention problems that are clearly caused by the stimulator and the leads being where they are. Urology doc was smart, funny & drop-dead tv doc gorgeous... that appt was Thursday last.
Yesterday, back to surgeon, to make a decsion where to go from here with stimulator. After 6 months of having a device that doesn't provide any relief and only makes things worse... he finally admitted that the device tech has tried everything and it's not going to work; they have no records that these things cause these symptoms - even though I FOUND documentation from an Oxford study that it does in fact, occur. So we agreed to another trial of a stimulator at two different spinal locations higher up. That all has to be approved - again - via the federal insurance and includes another psych eval to see if B's parience has completely run out this year and if he's likely to sue the docs or worse. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. OH, and no offer of any Rx to help manage the spasms/pain either. What do they expect a normal person in constant daily pain to react like? Of course B's pissed! And slightly depressed too.
The new trial is to determine if there's enough relief at those spinal locations to warrant attempting to remove/implant a new one. Then the insurance will have to approve the actual surgery. In B's experience, that's taken as long as 6 mos to a year, for approvals. He has a new team; they've appeared to be more competent & responsive. But it still leaves us in limbo about what might happen when. SIGH.
One new wrinkle in S-saga: apparently new girlfriend didn't work out. LOL. Talk about counting your chickens... I have yet to actually talk to Hol this week so I don't have a clue what's going on yet. I don't think she's going to continue the relationship in any form, except friendship, given what she's said previously. Be interesting to see how committed she is to that decision. She's busy this week with contractors and her friends that are helping with greenhouse.
We're busy getting ready to make a quick road trip over the weekend and I am just drained from the last months supporting Hol. Even though I'm driving, it'll help (I know the route well & B gets lost easily). We're going past a few reasonably close woodsy getaway areas we can investigate later. I need more than a few days to take care of my stuff around here and figure out what's going on with my seeds - very bad germination rate this year. I need to plant the baby herbs, too or repot them in my bigger pots. Probably a good idea to do laundry too. LOL.
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I'm so sorry about B's situation, Skep. It's very easy to see why people end up self medicating with drink or drugs. Intolerable situation to create for a person, and then to act surprised when they become frustrated. Personally i see large scale abuse across public sector institutions that mirrors what many of us have experienced within our own families. Unacceptable.
As for S - I think a nice little spot for him under a patio somewhere would be my inclination :) Lol x
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We all are aware enough of our shadows out here, that this solution has been suggested (in mostly jest) more than once Tupp!
But, she's wedded to the idea that he is free to choose as he likes - and only he has to live with the consequences of his choice. She'll get over this and move on. And deal with the feelings in herself that have come up as a result of this situation. So she doesn't repeat her mistakes.
My lips are sealed and I'm minding my own business, unless she says something about herself that is definitely untrue and needs to be corrected. Lordy, does she have some good people as friends helping in that realm too!
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Part of me is chanting....
"BURN HIS STUFF! BURN HIS STUFF!" But that's just bc I'm well over Hol giving up any more time or space in her life to him and his things.
Or maybe I miss bonfires.
Lighter
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It's a beautiful moment when any woman who's been taken for granted, toyed with, ignored when she expresses her needs, had her dreams dismissed -- has that interior "click" that says, NO.
NO this is not good enough. NO I don't have to settle. NO I'm not happy. NO I deserve love, commitment and partnership.
I'm glad for Hol and for you, because watching her not value herself all this time has been so hard for you.
Here's to Hol, and to her allowing for the possibility of good things happening. Ditto how wonderful her friends must be.
About B, I'm just so sad for him. I have back pain that's a half of a one on his scale of 10, and it undermines my spirit at times. I can't imagine how much fortitude that man has in his soul. (Or how lucky he is to be with you.)
hugs
Hops
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Lighter - I had to laugh at the "burn his stuff" chant. My inclination is to vigorously join in! But, one of the contractor crews that built her hut will at least come get S's old car (that he started to work on & gave it up; not running). Greenhouse is finally closed in thanks to help from a couple friends last week.
Hops - "the power of no" is spot on! I can see her beginning to master this finally. Of course she signed up for a couple dating apps... met one local guy she's actually talking to and may meet up with. They have some things in common - he has a sailboat, that's a liveaboard; but he's taking a year off to help out his mom. This one is at least new friend material, but there might be some chemistry there too. He's a little older than her, but that's GOOD.
Then, I watched the whole story of a new guy trying to chat her up. Guy around S's age - 5 years younger than her. He obviously thought he was god's gift to women, and was clearly only interested in one thing. Didn't care to know anything at all about her... and thought he was so impressive she would swoon under his charms. Her last message before blocking him was "good luck & goodbye". All in the space of a couple hours. So I feel assured she isn't going to repeat her previous mistakes. She visited an old friend at her GF's house on Sunday; going camping/rafting with her core buddies in a couple weeks too.
She has tried to continue communicating with S - with the same results. So resignation and acceptance is settling into her mindset. If what he says is true, he needs a period of intense therapy. Otherwise, it sounds like a convenient, inarguable excuse. Either way - it ISN'T possible (and HASN'T BEEN) to have a relationship with someone like that. Much less, trust that her needs will recognized and met. So, she is looking out for and protecting herself. Current contractor projects will make her life 100% easier; more peace of mind.
B & I took a short road trip over the weekend. I drove since I knew the ins/outs of the route and even just driving was a welcome break for me. There were some less than pleasant aspects to the trip - but we're no worse for wear. He's a good road trip buddy, even when just riding shotgun. I was reminded how much out of step I am, in cities now. It's an alien environment for both of us and neither of us relax while there. But the drive is my old route north back "home" and to the shop in MI. So he got to see the mountain part of that trip.
When we got back I came out & sat on the porch in the dark and could just feel this place wrapping it's welcoming protection and care around me again. There's just such good energy here and while it's hard physical work caring for the place - our philosophy is less "making it so" and stewardship instead.
Studio project is demoted to less pressing right now. Both Hol & I need to plant (weather still isn't very good for it) and she has the two support projects going on at her place. But she got the pale pink on the walls and the ceiling done; still has one more patch to deal with over new windows. The color is WAYYY better than I hoped it would be; depending on the light it shifts peachy, instead of rose. And it's pale enough that it's just a hint of color that's cozy; not a statement... so functioning as a neutral. Still have trim to cut & put up and painting trim is next step. Going to clear out a lot of the cardboard & trash; and start putting things against walls again. Then we're on to plumbing and mini-kitchen cabinets. Bathroom will be last.
I have to re-order the bar that was damaged in shipping and get a vanity ordered. B has work to do in the garage downstairs... with help from both of us. Then he can get another workspace for himself set up... and we can decide which tools we're going to keep/sell... making more space in there. I *think* B will be able to get completely moved by this fall. TBD.
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(tiny chant)
::burn his stuff....::
I'm all for B moving full time to the farm. Finally🪺