Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => What Helps? => Topic started by: j_stice on November 15, 2005, 08:18:19 PM
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I have been dealing with the ongoing problem of a former girlfriend and have found it difficult to get over some of the things she did. Whilst we were dating she cheated on me frequently she even bragged about it, used to hit me in the nuts and claim it was a joke (or an instinct), insulted me to her family. Once we broke up (because I had difficulties handling it). She continued to call me and we got back together as friends, then she began the desire to re-enter a relationship. Which caused us to break off contact, she used to ring me whilst she was having sex or giving other guys oral sex (some of them I worked with). I have only recently gotten rid of the remnants of her things and tried to return it but was approached publicly at work and berated on "how I have been stalking her for the last couple years" and have suffered the public humiliation of this person revealing all of my deepest darkest secrets.
I have made no attempt to contact other than this occassion (which I told her I would do only to return her stuff) and am finding it difficult maintain a stable relationship because everytime I have had one I ended getting a call from her demanding I break up the relationship so I can be with her.
The last contact I had with this girl was in February this year when during a telephone conversation she insisted I jump on a plane and join her in the UK to try to re-establish the relationship. Prior to that there was a call in November 04 and her contact isn't frequent but is difficult for me to handle.
However, she has a trademark way of showing that she still can keep track of my because I receive calls with no response for approximately two minutes and only get a response after convincing her I know who it is and I convince her that whatever the value of her call she wouldn't have made it for no reason.
Some problems:
1- she has / had a partner at the time (I have no intention of getting back with her)
2- I have been trying to move on from her for a while (but am finding it hard considering the lack of personal space I am getting)
3- It has impacted on my work because she socialises and is dating/ living with one colleague and has active sought after others
4- I have lost friends as a result of the consistant fear and get anxious and nervous everytime the phone rings because I almost always fear the next abusive phone call
5- I have logged nuisance reports with my telecommunications provider and they can do little more
because of the lack of frequency
6- She has befriended members of my family and gets my contact details from them
7- I was forced to resign from one job, relocate on another
8- I was forced to move house to avoid her "visits" to see me
9- I disconnected my phones for 6 months but still got contact
Questions:
1- How do I re-establish my personal space without this constant fear?
2- How do I re-establish my professional career since the industry I work is small?
3- HOW DO I MOVE ON???
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It seems to me that she is criminally stalking you. I'd get a restraining order.
Gail
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My concern is that I then have to face her again and that is something I really don't want to do.
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Questions:
1- How do I re-establish my personal space without this constant fear?
I agree with Gail, get a restraining order. Document everything... have you got any friends you can call as witnesses? (I was a witness when a similiar kind of thing happened to a friend of mine) Ok, you have to face her again, but isn't it better to face her once, when you expect that you will see her so can prepare for it. I feel this will help you put what boundary YOU want in place.
2- How do I re-establish my professional career since the industry I work is small?
I don't really know enough about what has happened to your professional career to answer this, but I feel an option might be to get out there and re-connect with the industry. Any kind of PR do's? Hard to say as I don't know what industry you work in.
3- HOW DO I MOVE ON???
I feel that the only way you'll be able to move on is when you've got this girl out of your life once and for good. Then you can re-evaluate your life, have time to repair the damage she has done, get your strength back and most of all, get your life back.
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The problem is I am being actively prevented from doing this by HER friends some of whom I work with!
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The problem is I am being actively prevented from doing this by HER friends some of whom I work with!
I'm sorry but I don't quite understand this.... you said on your previous e-mail that you were forced to resign from one job because of her and relocate to another... how can you work with her friends?
I'd like to ask you this also, from your questions I feel I can tell what you'd like to achieve, which is personal space and a chance to move on, is that correct?... so..... What do you think you can do to change your situation to achieve this?
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I was forced to leave one of my jobs because she had made "visits" to my employer when I wasn't there, I also do some volunteer work and have been forced to change where I do my volunteer work. I have been approached by one of her "friends" that I used to work with before I moved to another office.
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I appreciate how tough that must be and am sorry that you had to go through it... Have you thought about my second question at all....
I'd like to ask you this also, from your questions I feel I can tell what you'd like to achieve, which is personal space and a chance to move on, is that correct?... so..... What do you think you can do to change your situation to achieve this?
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I appreciate how tough that must be and am sorry that you had to go through it... Have you thought about my second question at all....
I'd like to ask you this also, from your questions I feel I can tell what you'd like to achieve, which is personal space and a chance to move on, is that correct?... so..... What do you think you can do to change your situation to achieve this?
A couple things break the problem into levels and address this accordingly.
(1) Start Therapy and continued until each of the stages is complete
(2) Any person who has direct contact with her I disassociate myself (and filter my calls and e-mails a little beter)
(3) Get a good support network in place to assist the therapy
Other than that I am a little short in the ideas department! But I am aiming to have a sincere, honest, faithful and normal relationship. So if you have any ideas please feel free make suggestions.
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j_stice hon, good for you for seeing the benefits of starting therapy. When do you start? I feel this will be good for you.
Also there may be groups in your area where you can meet others who have been through this kind of thing also, which could help in getting a good support network behind you.
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Hi j,
I believe you should write down everything that has occured. You should also collect all documentary evidence of what has occured. You should keep contemporaneous notes of everything that occurs in the future. You should then hire a lawyer to send her a letter telling her that if the harrassment doesn't stop you will file suit against her. If you are credible and acquire the evidence you could wipe her out in court. She will have to consider this, and may just leave you alone or she may bluff you into following through. Therefore you have to be commited to seeing it through to the end, at least to a restraining order or permanent injunction.
Right now you are on defense, reacting to every little thing she does. It is not possible to live like that, especially with someone who obviously is not going to give up voluntarily.
I know you don't want to face her but at some point, when you have a mad dog chasing you, you have to turn around and kill it. Otherwise it just keeps biting your arse all the way down the road.
Look at your user name. If you want some justice you're going to have to take it, because she isn't going to hand it to you. She doesn't sound like she is going to leave you alone.
Maybe therapy is all you need. For me, putting an end to blatantly illegal behavior would be better therapy than lying on a couch paying some guy to doodle on his note pad while you spill your guts. No offense Doc G. :P
mud
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Hey mudpuppy,
I already started that path and it both made things better and worse. I reported her calls as nuisance calls to my telephone provider and she received those dirty threatening letters and has had problems getting a phone service for a while, the problem is should I waste the rest of my life documenting these incidents and driving myself insane over it (I tried that for over two years). Or maybe the better approach would be just to remove myself from anything to do with her (including the people around her). I have began to say my goodbyes to those I cared about as I began the journey to move on and have been given an opportunity to spend some time away from everything going on here. However the ways of dealing with this have been laid out mostly by others (continuing a charade using a combination of lies and denial of any knowledge of it) and I have been left responding to these. Something I am not likely to do as I will soon have nothing to do with them.
Moving on for me means re-establishing my self in the right social setting, connecting with people I know have similar interests and will look out for me both now and in the future and finding the right relationship. I believe that approaching her just opens new wounds and the pursuit of the threat of legal action or dealing with it through a lawyer / solicitor (where I am from) will just play into the her hands and / or the hands of those around her. The real benefit of me joining this website is to have allowed me to connect with others who have lived and survived similar traumatic situations to tell me that I am not alone with the problems that I have been dealing with.
Yes paying a therapist isn't a viable long term option but it is an option that allows me to put things in perspective and allows me the piece of mind to know that I have a trained professional on side (as well as on-call if necessary). I know your right about the lawyer / solicitor letter but after nearly three years of living with this I guess the message has finally decided to sink in. That the battles have to stop because in the end there will be no real winner, the fact that this may be a little more complex with a little more factors to it just makes working through this a little harder. I think that just mentioning the way I feel and the fact that I want nothing more to do with her has helped because if she is as smart as I know she is, she realises that both of us moving on (seperately) is the best (and healthiest) thing.
In response to Healing and Helpful your earlier question, no I don't think there are any PR's that work in my kind of field I have tried to befriend a colleague of my earlier place of work to "test the water" (so to speak)and he wasn't interested in it either professionally or personally. Back to your other point about personal space I sort of believe one day at a time, one step at a time I reclaim my personal space. I was once told "it takes a lifetime to build a career and only one mistake to ruin it," well I can only hope that isn't the case. One of my wise (female) bosses inspired me using her own life as a comparison after this matter was brought up and told me that based on my situation it isn't the case.
I just want to say to everyone who has made a comment and suggestion thanks for your interest, I hope you continue to do so and I will attempt to respond to all of them. JEEZ YOU PEOPLE ARE GREAT!! :D
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Hi j_stice,
Well, if she'll let you go and leave you alone there is nothing wrong with just cutting her and her ilk out of your life.
My suggestion of going the legal route was only meant for the circumstance of her continuing to stalk you. From your original post it sounds as though she has already gone to some trouble to harrass you. I hope she will find someone new to torment.
You are fortunate in that she is not a blood family member. Its a little harder to get them out of our lives.
I think that just mentioning the way I feel and the fact that I want nothing more to do with her has helped because if she is as smart as I know she is, she realises that both of us moving on (seperately) is the best (and healthiest) thing.
Well if she's just a little selfish and maybe a little screwy then you're probably right. Just be on your guard, because if she actually has a personality disorder she may not care what is either the best or healthiest thing for both of you. She may decide to try and ruin your life and continue to do so for the forseeable future. I hope she's just selfish and kind of creepy. There are certainly more of them than PDs.
mud
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Hi mudpuppy,
Truth be know the conversation I had with her live in partner led me to believe that she had a personality disorder (he said she was seeking therapy) and would insure that she wouldn't contact me anymore (considering that there is free will this promise is unlikely to be kept). Also considering the fact she wasn't exactly honest with him about everything that was said to me, the frequency of the contacts and he wasn't exactly told about the previous conversations we had I doubt whether he can do much. All I believe I can do is wish her well in the world and keeping repeating the point I have said to her being "The best thing for both of us is to move on and wish eachother well." The blood relative component to this being my sister and her friendship with her, makes me believe that the dynamics of my family (and hopefully future family) will mean that contact with her will be restricted and I will have to work on improving my relationships with other members of my family to compensate (e.g. my mum etc.).
Thank you mudpuppy for your words of wisdom, I keep telling myself that this is a long journey and I need to take one step at a time. Pity the intial steps you take by yourself but with people like you giving me advise and good ideas I know I will survive and move on!
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Hi Justice,
I'm a little late to your thread, but I just wanted to say that you sound very traumatised. The first thing you need to do is deal with that trauma. Otherwise you cannot make the best deicisions, or even if you do, you can't implement properly if you are at your wits' end.
She sounds like a horrible person. Others will catch on to her and you will be able to establish your career again.
Wishing you luck and healing.
Plucky
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Hi Plucky,
I know your right the problem is that the damage is done and it will again be a time issue to try to repair the damage. I think I am just a little frustrated with what has been done and annoyed that she both has no remorse and / or no intention of letting me be! I am trying to be the bigger person but I get the impression that the deceit and treachery will continue unabated. I hope the trip I intend to take will give me new perspective!
Thanks for your advise
j_stice
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Hi justice,
I was wondering where your thread went! I forgot it was over here.
How was your trip?
Part of getting over the trauma, which preferably you can safely do with a therapist, is letting go of the disbelief (denial) and the wish that things were different. She is what she is, you cannot change her, you can only change you and how you feel. I feel bad for you but believe me, it is worse to be someone like her.
I hope things are going better for you.
Plucky
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Hi Plucky and everyone else who has been reading this thread,
Unfortunately my trip hasn't begun yet mainly due to other family members' relying on my to help them (so I had to delay it). As such I felt obliged to help them out, probably the wrong thing to do but I guess you live and learn.
Plucky: Belive it or not I am not denying that she had the ability to do these things to me nor am I denying the fact that I can change her. But my concerns were more about how could I have let myself believe her and not trust my instincts. Unfortunately, over time and therapy I have been able to realise that she has NO remorse for what happens and wishes to continue with this charade of baseless allegations, nuisance calls, insults and harrassment for a while. Fortunately, I have been assembling some worthwhile support networks to try to confront this issue (and the issues that have resulted stemming from this relationship). Nope this is not one of those "A-team" type groups with some smart talking "Mr. T" like character (in case anyone was wondering it was an early 80's tv show). Instead, thanks to other and listening to the survival stories of others and consulting with my support network I have been able to start looking at re-establishing my boundaries and my life. Regardless of what happens I know it isn't going to be easy but having people who support me helps.
The strange thing is the constant blame game and allegations for the failures and short-comings of what has and is happening, whilst I am learning to care less about it, it still is tough to make sure I am properly able to continue my moving on! I guess after hearing about it for a while from her, others (from her indirectly) as well as from others who I considered to be close to me, I have learned to distance myself from her, her comments and the person who I originally fell madly in love. It was a Jekyl and Hyde personality, whose personal interest took precedence over anything important to me or anything from me.
I did learn one other thing, maybe if I wish her all the best in her endeavours and continue to take the right steps to having a decent, loving and caring relationship, I can categorise this experience as a character building and learning experience so it isn't a total loss.
Thanks for your interest Plucky,
j_stice
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My father's old girlfriend acted like that with me, after he died. She was a schizophrenic (had been hospitalized) and tried to use the child they had to keep me in the relationship, she was also stalking me and two of my male friends and harassing us all at work. They called the police and got a restraining order and I moved, because I felt in danger. The question is not whether or not you should get away but how far you can get and how fast. There is no reason for you to have any further contact with her or her friends, dump her clothes off to charity or a friends, if you have to, and avoid her COMPLETELY from now on. Do not compromise. You owe her nothing. (The child turned out to be pretty scary and unstable, too, so saving myself was the right choice.)
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>>maybe if I wish her all the best in her endeavours<<
That might work with a balanced person or if you get stuck talking to her, for some reason, but it's best to avoid altogether, I think. You have no guilt, here, so don't let anyone try to use that to manipulate you or draw you back in. Good luck!
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Thanks it is actually quite funny that after all this time and all this distance that I still feel she won't give up the games oh well some poeple never change!