Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 08, 2022, 09:21:29 AM
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It's been a little busier than usual around here. Buck rolled in Tuesday evening and the kids & dogs rolled out to spend some time away from here for her birthday. Thursday, we FINALLY got in to see an infectious disease Doc... and in the space of half an hour, he decided a plan of action... took swabs to test for exact bacteria (we get results next week)... and the contractor closed up as much of the metal shop as he had materials for. The garage doors should be here in a couple weeks; maybe even before B leaves for warmer climes again.
All the above, pushes the time of the final move a lot closer now. He only wants to move his big tools once, and I can't blame him. We have a followup with the spine doc on the 19th; and I'm guessing he'll make the referral to a surgeon then. So, the time between "visits" keeps shrinking.
Depending on which side of the house, we got between 8 and 12 inches of snow Thursday evening. Yesterday we made tracks in the driveway and shovelled decks. While they're gone it's my job to feed the flock of birds and I checked on her house too. It's the first time they've run the furnace much. Her kitties are inside. I made a fire around lunchtime and we just took half a "snow day" after the shovelling in zero degree temps.
Expecting some freezing rain tomorrow morning... so mostly indoor activities again today. It's about time for me to take down my Yule swags and turn them into bonfire starters. :D
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That's terrific news, Amber! So glad the doc appts are finally happening!! Whew hoo! YES!
I hope you and B settle into happy shared lives, the sooner the better😊
Lighter
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Incredible news, Amber. I'm so glad.
An actual infectious disease investigator, going to bat for B!
I'll bet this development is making every chore a little lighter, every weather challenge a little easier, every day a little better.
Thanks for the update!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks ladies.
There's not a whole lot of news around here. The snow has mostly melted but it's still cold & windy. We've been binging tv series, eating easy and filling hot meals, and sleeping. There are still things "on the list" to bring about a more concrete reality to B actually moving in... but none of it is urgent. He's been fixing little things around here; thinking of things he wants to/should be done. I'm in the rip van winkle season and not really thinking; resting - so not really feeling either... just coasting. Big accomplishment yesterday was sewing a button back on my barn coat. ;)
But we have one big spring project already "in progress" and that looks to be the timing too for B moving. We just haven't talked a lot about logistics yet.
I think we might build another fire tonight. Temp is sposed to feel below zero.
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Sounds peaceful and calm at the farm, Amber. I hope you enjoyed that fire. I'd have one burning every moment at the lake. We need to cut wood and I usually help split......none if our guys cut and dragged trees to the splitting shed, which is odd. I guess we spent our time picking up dead wood on the property, which was a terrible use if BIL's time and skill now that I think about it.
Darn. I'm sitting in Harbor Freight parking lot contemplating all things chain saw. I think I'll try to get boy help with cutting and moving trees, but I wish I knew how to properly/safely use a chainsaw and sharpen blades.
We had enough snow to knock down big branches in the yard. A chainsaw would really be helpful.
Lighter
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More snow on the way for us; prediction is 8" to a foot. Buck is thrilled.
We have a bit of running around to do, since it now looks as if the shop will be closed in next week. Doors arrive at contractor tomorrow (sposed to; anyway).
I'm trying to untangle a shipping nightmare with greenhouse people and looking at things online... no joy yet. I might just put Holly on that. Lately she's been bugging me about delegating stuff to her... and I think this is right up her alley -- and it's her greenhouse anyway.
Buck and I start the process of changing his vehicle info, ID, etc to up here.
It's CLOSE now. To the time he's going to be completely here, once & for all.
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Very exciting, Amber! Yes yes yes to giving Hol the greenhouse project, since it's hers.
I'm sure Hops us getting ready for snow too, as am I. We shopped for provisions today and put them away. Tomorrow I get both vehicles into the garage and don't a but more work on the yard.
What will you cook during snow in, Amber? Do you feel you'll lose power for a while?
Lighter
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You and Buck getting snowed in on the mountain, crackling fire in the hearth, something yummy wafting good smells from the kitchen, good music playing, the Big Decision clearly made, the boy's moving in for real...
I wish you two a happy, peaceful first together-snow-in, Amber! Smiling just contemplating your contentment.
Lighter, I don't prepare for snow. Sit indoors like a comatose rabbit and only stir myself if the heat goes off. I did though...stock batteries and food. All I need. One simple thing to do by Sunday is just put the windshield and rear window snow covers on my car (hate de-icing). Have crow-food at the ready by the door (peanuts in shell plus kitten chow...). One of them came back later on and cawed for a snack yesterday, made me happy. He or she got extra. By spring I hope we'll be friends!
Y'all stay warm and cozy. Amber you've got ole B, and Lighter, I hear pugs make excellent bed warmers...
I will be happy with another snow. I love the enforced stillness. Quiet everywhere.
hugs
Hops
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Hops:
My retired nurse neighbor presses me into service clearing driveways and the road with her snow blower when we have snow.
Even if it's going to melt, she wants everyone to be able to drive to the hospital in their own car, if needed. I adore her, but I might not be up to it this year. It's tough work. Cold work.
I'm happy to picture you warm and inside. I knowy youngest wants to do an outdoor photo shoot in the snow, which is fine. Walking through the snowy moon lit forest makes my heart happy and then there's sledding under the power lines.
Lighter
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Hops: from the radar picture, you'll be getting snow there withiin an hour or two. Later on it'll be one of those nasty mixes with the kitchen sink of precipitation in it to put a crust of ice on top. Hope you have slip on ice spikes if you have to take pooch out.
B and I have been in storm prep - and laying in stuff we need for projects around here - the past few days. Kids are doing the same and all the equipment to plow is readied. I would dearly love to be cozily snowed in and moving slow. I just don't see it happening though.
Yesterday evening, Hol txted that S is flying to Chicago Tues morning. His sister has had cancer and has decided to go into hospice. They'll need to be able to get out and we have miles of driveway when she drives him to airport. Ice and wind means we can expect to need the chainsaws too in places. Internet & power are iffy for me - but I'll be fine thanks to generator and an extensive movie library.
B's metal (my bionic man) & my sinuses have complicated everything - our body's response to the crazy barometer swings ahead of the storm. Today, the congestion seems a lot better but B said I coughed all night long. But we work pretty well together on things - even when we're in "diivide & conquer" mode - and have settled comfortably into the holding pattern until next week's appt. We're expecting the surgeon referral to be made on Wed - but then, we "wash, rinse, repeat" - while they decide IF they'll take him on, and WHEN they'll consult, and WHEN they'll do surgery and how long he needs to stay here to recuperate.
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Thanks, Light. For now, cozy and warm. Plenty o' food, batteries, and blankies. Thanks, Amber. Weathersplaining! LOL. I stay tuned in to forecasts, even hourly ones, know what's coming. The total of my other preparations involved turning my car around so it's in back-in position and putting the windshield and rear window covers (I hate chipping ice off car windows).
I watched new videos to refresh my memory of clay flower pot/tea light emergency heaters, and have set out what I'd use to make my own. Combo of tea lights, a steel colander, and pots. (But this idea's less complicated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-NTZOE0A90 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-NTZOE0A90).)
My bedroom is the smallest room in the house, so with blankies, a DIY heater if desperate, and Pooch, I'll be okay. (Window has to be cracked to prevent carbon monoxide buildup, though--so I'm not sure the heater will be worth doing. Depends on temp). My main hope though is that after all the debris/tree/line work the last storm necessitated, the power will stay on. Depends how heavy the ice gets.
Would it help you to take H and S to an airport hotel right now? I can't imagine navigating through ice later on on country roads to get them there. Of course if ice buildup's bad enough, they might be stuck at the airport for a while, but that's much less terrible than an accident. You've got to get back safely too.
I was also wondering if you could work a deal with B's surgeon (praying he gets the okay) to give you bionic sinuses? Seriously, the IF/WHEN/WHENs must be draining (unlike your sinuses--sorry!). That's still uncertainty to get through; I'm sorry you have so much of it. But it does sound like forward motion.
Stay safe, everybody. It's snowing very hard here and as ever, it's beautiful.
hugs
Hops
PS I read too fast; it's H who'd be driving S to airport over the icy roads. Yikes. Hope they'll figure out the safest alternatives, so you won't be worrying more.
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Well, it's warmed up - nightime lows in the 20s. B is still here. He has another appt on 2/3. Slowly but surely... getting to his objective. ;)
Hol retrieved her traveller sweetie from the airport just fine. She has friends over this weekend. Steve actually tolerated B helping Hol troubleshoot the propane heater in the garage and spoke about the farm with me, when we dropped in to say "hi". So, B & I were a bit surprised... but it was a good thing. Cozy and fun and easy.
One of Hol's friends and B get along like theives. Doesn't take long before they're off in a corner by themselves talking guy stuff. B and Steve plowed the drive... and B has been making himself useful all around. Thinks he'll be here another 2 weeks or so.
I'm still not into spring planning or planting-planning yet. Mentally, I'm just now getting my mental rest winter rest going. I need "all hands on deck" to see what all might be on the have-to list this next season... and with some finishing details on builldings still happening, B still in limbo about possible surgery and finishing moving here; and Hol & S still figuring out their space, their relationship, their lives... I just don't feel inclined to add anything else to think about to that "pot". The garage doors are in; because of the last snow they haven't been delivered or installed - and insulation (ceiling) and gutters still need to happen.
I have gotten a quote that'll curl your hair on replacing my old shingles with a metal roof. :wide eyed raised eyebrows: I knew the price of steel had doubled; and the roofer was suggesting ways to get another chunk of months or years out of the existing (he's a local guy and did a fab job on Hol's roofs)... but I'd like to get it done and over with before anything untoward happens. Keeping my fingers crossed my taxes don't go up too much this year and I can actually afford this.
There are some small, but needed utility structures we can build to protect the investment in wood and equipment. And we're still debating livestock beyond the bird flock.
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Amber, reading your updates tightened my lower back muscles. Whew boy...lots on your plate.
Question. If B has surgery, how far is that facility from you and what might that look like?
It was good read Hol and S have released the tension around B's arrival. I bet that feels like a cuddle by the fire.
Sorry the metal roof price is so high. Will insurance help if there's any " damage" from wind and hail identified?
How is the bird flick doing?
Lighter
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We're going to have more birds & goose/duck eggs than we can use at one time! Lots of "making baby bird" activity going on - even in the snow. There is no insurance claim on the roof; it's just old age - about 25 years old in harsh conditions. I expected the estimate to be higher than I thought a couple years ago and back then, was persuaded to wait. That wasn't the wisest choice but I had other priorities then.
The hospital is about half an hour from here. And the surgery is outpatient. Makes a person wonder what all the bureaucracy is about... but now, I'm thinking most of it is insurance related and who takes what insurance and who doesn't. And of course, every office uses a voice message system so you can't EVER get connected directly to an office mgr or doctor/nurse these days.
I've got my babe around for another 2 weeks then have to let him go again. Maybe for a week or two -- or longer. Just depends on finding a surgeon that takes his insurance and their appt schedule -- and the OR schedule.
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Do you pickle and beet your duck eggs? Make deviled eggs with caramelized mushrooms and thyme? Or just bake with them?
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I'm kinda weird. If all I had was duck & goose eggs, I'd eat them - but I actually prefer store bought chicken eggs. Hol uses 'em same way as other eggs for everything. They're slightly bigger so some adjustments in recipe are required.
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Are you going to raise chickens?
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We have 4 right now Lighter. 2 Roos... altho I've been hearing that one has a tentative date with the plucker. ;)
I might get chickens for us, in the future - but I'm still struggling with the commitment to livestock on a daily basis. B and I will talk about and decide. We need to talk about a lot of other things too as far as future. Right now we're just deciding things on the fly; winging it.
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As the low-rent queen of animal impulses, I vote: hold off until certain and count the time-sink of every chore.
I barely swerved to avoid adopting a domestic rabbit this week. Made myself read up a lot on how many precautions I'd need to avoid chewed-through wires and more, and decided against it. With regretful realism.
hugs
Hops
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Things can always change and morph into something else if you decide they aren't what you need them to be, Amber.
Do you ever think about raising goats or rabbits (sorry, Hops)?
I think you'd be organized enough, along with your co workers, to keep rabbits.
Lighter
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Feed, vet, housing, bedding, and mucking out.... in addition to weeding, starting, pruning, maintaining & harvesting. You need a working vaca, Lighter? :D
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MORE snow coming here!
Haven't left the house in two weeks.
Not going nuts. Have food.
As long as internet stays on, I'm good.
But this is something.
Whoo. I think.
hugs
Hops
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::covered in snow here too::..
The girls heard me shout NOOOOOOoooooo earlier and asked WHY I shouted.
I had to backtrack through the whole hour till I remembered looking out the window to the snow sticking and covering the ground.... THATs what made me yell NOOOOOOooooooo.
Lighter
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Another big Noooo!
I don't mind snow but had a new surprise...main sewer line clogged and as my washing machine was draining there was a tsunami backflow -- the toilet overflowed and the bathtub filled. Damn. And GROSS.
Plumber's coming Monday but the estimate is a big hit. My wallet is Noooo!-ing too.
But that's what a 1955 house does now and then...surprises. Ugh. I can't clean the tub well because of my back so the bathroom doesn't smell nice and looks worse. Guess plumbers have seen everything. Sigh.
But on Tuesday the cleaner comes back, thank god, and I'm paying her double as I know missing times was hard when she couldn't get out. When I get back that afternoon it'll feel like a miracle. Eyes on the prize.
Hang in everybody, when winter's over the reward comes! SPRING will still spring regardless of our woes, and nature will still give us beauty at every turn.
hugs
Hops
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Personally, I'm liking the snow. We only got a couple inches and with 4, soon to be 5, 4x4s here - and the equipment - getting around isn't a problem. I'd prefer NOT running out every couple days, but it hasn't worked that way lately. County won't even plow our road for this little. We had a carb-load dinner last night: meatloaf, stuffing & mashed taters/gravy. And I have an extensive library of movies to pick from - or we've been streaming some stuff too.
Helga is getting put back together in the studio garage, so I can't exactly set up to start seeds yet - giving me an excuse for why I'm not even thinking about it just yet.
Buck has one pre-surg appt on the 3rd; just normal protocol. And we're still waiting on them to find a surgeon and get that appt set up. Contractor didn't bring the shop doors this week - even tho Hol told him he could get his truck in. :(
So, we're still kinda stuck in limbo about planning.
Kitties are planning a revolution this morning; I'd best go feed them before they break something.
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Noooooo, Hops! I'm mortified with you and a huge tree just shook the ground somewhere nearby in this wind! I heard it go over..
Not happy with this at all
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Turns the tree fell on the retired ER nurse's garage, sending a big branch through her living room ceiling. She's fine, but her house is not.
Hops, how are you doing? Is the sewer line cleared out yet? When I lived North of here, the older sewer line in the house I rented was made of what looked like shingle matierial..... just a terrible choice. The plumber used a high pressure water jet to blow out and clear the problem, but the pipe itself was deteriorting.
Are you talking about the line from your house to the street as the "main" sewer line being clogged?
Lighter
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Yikes! So glad the nurse neighbor wasn't hurt. So scary to hear that thundering crash. Trees came down through so many houses here in a derecho years back.
I'm assuming the main pipe is what the business owner I described it to on the phone was saying. He couldn't come himself as he's committed to large projects, but the first person he referred me to is able to come Monday. (I didn't want to pay emergency fees for weekend service since the sinks and toilet are functioning okay for now.)
Most of the plumbing lines in my house have been updated since the 50s, but there's one that does worry me. For some reason, updating didn't include a ginormous cast iron circular porthole-looking thing where the indoor lines exit to head to the street (water main, hookup to city sewer, etc). It was fine at purchase 9-10 years ago, but this freeze might've done it in. Then again, one of my guys told me at the time it could continue to function way longer that one might expect.
But I don't have to diagnose it. Just manage the cost.
hugs
Hops
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Right after I bought this place - my first Feb. when it was this cold - my main septic line backed up. In the evening. My plumbers were here until 9 pm before they called in the "master waste line fixer". Around 11 pm, it was finally determined (via camera in the line) that I had a break that had frozen. Hence the backup. Had to have that section replaced and because code no longer allows that long a run of pipe - my guys added to clean outs to each shorter section of the run down hill to the septic tank.
The broken section? Someone had patched it with cardboard & duct tape. Made me wonder what other "abominations of common sense" would be discovered as I worked my way through updating all the systems. Gotta say - the furnace replacement is working extremely well compared to the old system. We still have a fire at night tho. Nothing is as comforting as radiant wood heat. I'm still collecting estimates for my roof replacement; waiting on cost of additional insulation and gutters at the moment. House is about 2000 sq ft but the roof has dormers and multiple angles/peaks on it. I should call him this week.
But it's tax season; and I have a lot of other "admin/mgmt" type stuff to do.... S's sister has died at 32; breast cancer... he went to see her a week ago; B is still trying to get a surgeon referral appt before he goes home next weekend... and Hol is bugging me about teaching her to read the business financial reports, without being patient enough to let me explain why something is/isn't important. It's winter; she's bored. But I think we got the greenhouse kit logistics worked out - I delegated that to her too and B helped work out a solution.
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Cardboard and duct tape.
::nodding::.
I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd be very concerned about other "repairs" made by the previous owner too.
Hops: The retired nurse was walking a dog about 20 feet from the tree when it went down. She heard it crack and felt the wind hit her as it fell. Scary and that was with another tree perhaps guiding it away from landing closer to her and the 5 lb dog.
The tree crew worked all morning with a wood chipper and crane....some nifty little tree moving mobile.... all the guys communicating like clockwork to efficiently and safely perform their jobs. It was loud but fascinating to watch.
How's your plumbing problem going?
Lighter
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Mine? Plumber came but can't snake it out until hard ice over (shallow) snow melts off my yard. He can't find or reach the cleanout. But I'm okay with slow flushing for now, knock wood. Gross, but I'll be in touch with him in a couple days to reschedule. Nice guy that knows his stuff, though dragging a 300-lb machine across snow isn't on at his age.
Cancelled cleaner AGAIN -- both unfortunate and a great relief. My house is a cluttered disaster so I welcome the delay. I can walk thru dust/dirt w/o distress, but decluttering surfaces enough for her to clean them is torture, after a few weeks not doing so well (anxiety wise, but that's for Mental Health thread). Feels better to take another week to get ready for her return. Right now can't use dishwasher, washing machine or shower, which will be notable in a few more days. For now will wash dishes in a pan, and throw the water outside. "Pits 'n bits" -- what a winter.
Pooch is fine and the crows are a bit more jovial; great optimism for that project!
Amber, I dunno how you juggle all that you juggle but it's really nice to read how steadily you plan, and prepare, and calendar, and keep your eyes way off the pebbles and on the horizon so your life with all its changes is still working, and from the sound of it, working well! All fingers/toes/hairs crossed the B. stuff is moving ahead.
I will be really happy to hear every update, because your mountain is a consoling and captivating space for my daydreams.
hugs
Hops
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Oh, drat. Hops...... what a mess to soldier through. You're doing so well with it!
The pug puked in my bed at 5am and I was dead set on mictro cleaning every inch of bedding and the floor and the washer's running and the sink is set up to receive said pug for a good dog washing session when seems recovered. Pug's nervously eyeing the towels under the kitchen sink as I write this. Inside I'm shivering in anticipation for the work you have ahead of you
Lighter
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Temps are warming up for a few days Hops. Maybe that'll speed your plumbing fix along. I'm hoping my snow melts too - but it'll be mud season. Again.
I guess I'm glad I APPEAR to be calm - LOL. I do try to organize, have a seasonal work calendar in my head and pre-stage for things as much as possible. I'm not really quite "all that". I can have nights of racing brain, still have unrealistic expectations about some things - or fantasize, the whole list of irrational anxieties... I just am not as "stuck" there as I was, once upon a time. I think, that working through being widowed at my own speed, my own way - and facing life alone (at least for a couple years) was the worst possible disaster I could imagine happening, and I still kinda landed on my feet. Meeoooow. It was actually a rewarding journey and I think opened up a crack in my "idea bank" of what could be possible. The "why NOT?" energy has kinda taken over.
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I am getting caught up on your discussions of chickens, home heating, snow and discoveries of poor repairs!
We have 13 hens in a coop W built 3 years ago. I love their eggs. We had a rooster, but he was unceremoniously dispatched after he tore most of the feathers from our hens that first year. Now when W enters the coop or the run several of the hens will stand at his feet, crouch down and squat until he picks them up or pets them. Apparently, W is the Rooster! :)
We are considering investing in an outdoor woodburning gassification unit to heat the house, garage, and water heater. It seems they can save about 60% of annual heating costs, the wood mess would stay outside, it would provide longer burn times, reduce our carbon footprint and get a 26% tax break for the cost of the unit and installation cost.
Four years ago, W bought a 1948 Harry Ferguson tractor. We decided it was time for a newer model. Last month we bought a 1970 White Oliver. We use it with various implements on the 3 point hitch for snow removal, making and maintaining our walking trails, hauling dirt, dispensing fence, grading the driveway, pulling out root etc.
We had tons of snow in December, and it has been especially cold this January into February. We are in the process of re-installing the Jodel wood stove on the sun porch. It was improperly vented to the same flu from the living room on the first floor as the wood furnace in the basement. We were getting a chimney stink when the wind blew a certain direction. When we first moved here W hired a chimney cleaner to come and do a more thorough inspection. We discovered the pipe was never installed all the way to the flu - it was discharging into the basement block wall ... amazing the house did not burn down or that people did not die from CO poisoning. We have discovered many things that were not right, safe, or repaired poorly. Always keeping us busy
Just sayin, I can relate to your life on the farm!
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Phyll - one of the trade-offs of that wood gasification strategy is that, like everything else, the cost of wood is going up. I have enough wooded land, that I can supply 3 wood stoves (and the occasional bonfire) out here... as long as we start to replant trees. We refuse to burn pine - which totally covers chimney pipes in creasote - so those are either used in permaculture or bonfires.
We're kinda at a resting plateau with projects out here. The kids will build a geodesic greenhouse this spring and mom is waiting to get Buck fixed up pain-wise and totally moved before endeavoring too much else. Roofer was here yesterday and he's going to order the steel so we can lock-in price against any unforeseen increases. Decreases will be deducted from my bill.
B & I are running out this morning to get two more bolts & washers - then Helga is ready to be inspected until I can get her re-registered as a farm use vehicle. It gives Hol something she's used to driving in the winter, since the Pontiac needs to be in the garage during the weather we're having - but Steve is still working on his Subaru commuter car.
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Lazy Monday (or "second Sunday", as we call it around here). Buck left yesterday, after a month here. He's absolutely spoiled me, fixing things and doing the little things for me in appreciation of the little things I do for him - pretty equal give & take. We seem to have begun settling in and it's like we've done this for years. So far so good, anyway.
The house seemed really empty yesterday without B and all his man "stuff". I kept busy; stopped trying to find things to take my mind off the quiet... and dropped in on Hol & her friend. (S is working half the country away on a couple jobs; back this week.) So there was some girl-time had. Think that helped me re-adjust to being solo again.... for however long it is this time.
It could be a very short time; or the way the system is slowed down - take a month or more till he gets an appt to continue jumping through the hoops prior to seeing a surgeon and getting a date for the pump implant. And it's not just medical care slowed down...
the roofer will order the steel for my roof replacement now - because it may be several months before it's delivered. He figures on doing the work this summer. Maybe the silly contractor can finish the metal shop by then... Buck's already moving some of his heavy tools in there... but we really need the doors installed. Then, B's druthers is full speed ahead on getting everything he's bringing - moved. And I'm good with that, too.
I don't know where I'm going to put it, but B keeps asking permission to obtain a pet dragon. LOLOLOLOL. Or put 'gators in the pond. And he's been bringing me rocks he wants to keep, from his collection. Latest one is obsidian, quartz & emerald that he found somewhere. Some are geodes.
We didn't get anymore snow, from that last storm... and the days are starting to gradually warm. I'm feeling kinda antsy for spring. But it's too soon to start seeds, because we can't chance planting until May. I have a lot of soil enrichment to take care of this year... once the ground thaws and the mud dries up. And I need to get started on that, asap. I could maybe prep my tools too.
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NOW... the time till Buck is here full-time is short.
He'll be back the end of Feb, for a surgeon consult on the 2nd. Garage doors for the shop & insulation are scheduled too. B has spent the past couple days getting all the bank & paperwork hoops to jump through when moving sorted out; a plan for switching things up here. He's going to try to get his hearing aids replaced - he swears he can hear a gnat fart with the current ones and background noise is so amplified he still has problems with hearing voices. LOL.
He makes me smile, he's so happy right now. I'm happy too - but BUSY.
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That's a cheerful update, Amber.
I notice you aren't mentioning B's ex and I hope that means he's not being bothered or harrassed by her. I assume his dd will always be a road his ex uses to gain access to him, but hope the dd feels she can step out of that terrible position. I hope she already has.
I'll uncross and recross everything for this next medical appointment for B.
Things feel like they're moving very fast suddenly!
Lighter
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Done and Dusted.
How could one possibly not be swooning, over the moon, deeply and unconditionally in love with a man who says something like, "I can hear a gnat fart" EVER?
I would be a goner.
I'm so happy he'll be with you FT soon, Amber.
Really SO happy for you!
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops... hugs back atcha.
I'm feeling really good about this and my fingers are crossed the pain issues/infection can be finally managed decently.
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Hops - after 3 years, we're kinda past the swoon-y stage of feelings. The R'ship/connection side of things still has those butterflies from time but most often I experience a deeper, calmer, more peaceful - "rightness". Others may see different things about us (and Hol is the most intrepid about making her perceptions known) but between he & I, things are more practical, pragmatic and simply going through life together.
Oh the Ex is still hanging around & being nosy Lighter. But bothering him less internally. I think he's finally decided he is long past feeling responsible for her current circumstances or her fate. Even though she created the whole situation to take advantage of what he could provide her - upon the current whim. I'm glad you brought that up - because I need to research some stuff about immigrants married with a green card. Just to get the ins & outs clearer in my head. Obviously, he was her sponsor. She won't naturalize and is dragging her feet while whining about wanting to go back "home" to live with her sister. Kinda nutsy, to me... but it explains a little of his "once burned, twice shy" characteristics that pop up from time to time (they don't move in and make a pest of themselves).
B is understandably impatient and irritated by any more - each & every - paperwork, bureaucratic, or just incompetent office help delay he encounters even in this new med system. He's been trying to fight his way through this for 5 years now. Then covid, which has made the situation worse in some ways. He wasn't doing too well attitude-wise about having any hope of resolving it when I butted into his self-talk back then. (Hol got it from somewhere ya know.)
The reality is he never had anyone advocate for him; stand with him as he tried to navigate all this; or care enough about how he felt about it all to listen to him grumble. He is a good bit ADD; and while he does have the ability to concentrate, focus, and stay on task... in those interactions with healthcare people he has so much at stake with outcomes that anxiety amplifies and enlarges every little thing to him. My role as shield maiden is to ask the question that flew out of his head, cover all the bases about how the "process" is going work (managing expectations), calendars, etc and keep him as calm as possible. Found out feeding him after a Dr. visit that hasn't gone well helps a lot.
Because the pain pump is a long-term "management" situation, involves narcotics (which invokes the whole opioid mess) even though it doesn't affect his brain directly (goes into spinal cord to soothe nerve endings)... taking a psych eval was part of the process. I didn't get asked to leave and I have to say the questionnaire wasn't exactly subtle. Not to mention how easily it could be gamed. (I used to write these kinds of things to collect info about my faculty's tech needs/wants.) B has already been assessed as not having an addictive personality. He's not a depressive. He's the furthest from suicidal as can be. And he's not even anti-social. This eval was the least messed up part of what he's been waiting for & going through as part of the process and we're a year into it now.
Going through something like this with him - before we were an "item", all throughout the beginning butterly stages of the relationship is a pretty interesting (and different) "getting to know you" gauntlet and not exactly romantic. But if there is a successful outcome, his quality of life becomes more pain-free than it's been and even if the pump only knocks it down by half - he will accept that. He's not the kind of person to sit around feeling sorry for himself. He'll go do what he can do, to keep part of his mind anyway - off obsessing on the pain. I've been able to see this obsession in real-time myself... and have some ability to interrupt that, shrink it down to size in the bigger picture; provide perspective. He has a willing apprentice now, in Hol, too. They've already done some things together.
So, we've kinda jumped past a lot of "new relationship" stuff. right to real life stuff - for now. And I think our age, and what we've both been through in our lives, has contributed this kind of "fast forward". There's no point in putting on any masks - we just went to warts & all. And still, there are enough fun romantic moments that come out of nowhere and cause many smiles. But it's the strong deep connection between us that's contributing to the visible speed of events now. We did all our "homework" the past 3 years. We balance each other making us more together - than apart.
Or so, today's words for trying to describe how this FEELS goes. I ain't much of a poet.
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I'm very happy to see you posting about feelings, Amber:)
Feelings and needs.....
the fruits and flowers of intimate connection when we can state and ask for them.
Poetry or no...... it's really heartwarming to read how things are going.
I'm so happy you and B are navigating the medical stuff well. Learning how to calm and soothe B, with B learning to accept being soothed and comforted......
that's the stuff of safety and longevity in relationships: )
Lighter
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Amber, thought you might find this as fascinating as I did. Really amazing. (It's a freebie, no subscription).
https://wapo.st/3LyI2km (https://wapo.st/3LyI2km)
hugs
Hops
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I'm familiar with the neolithic sites in Orkney. Not really chasing after any theories... but just curious about what is supposed about those people and their culture.
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Very quiet weekend here. It snowed again. Not very much... and its going to be 60-something later in the week, so I guess we're in the schizo phase of spring... LOL. Hol has company - so I actually got a peaceful quiet day to myself... with no one needing attention, no big project to work on. Whee! I did a little online shopping. More to do, too.
I'm still mentally composing the look/feel of my living room makeover. I found a rug I like, but after measuring again the size is just a teeny big too big. Everything has to be durable and easy to clean - with a man dragging man-dirt into the house, 2 more kitties coming... one outdoors, one indoors... and B's "stuff". He gets a shot of pain relief from the radiant woodstove... so we've been building fires upstairs instead of the smaller stove downstairs. Wood dirt is the WORST, and during the cold snap, I was cleaning on a daily basis.
Found a set of 5 herbal medicine books; each addresses a different area of health/body - there is even one on pain management/psychological issues - so I'm curious to see how in-depth the books are (supposedly includes dosing recommendations and describe strength of decoctions, infusions & tinctures). I took a quick dive into the certification onlne schools... and well, I'm self-taught in a lot of other subjects but I've bought very few actual reference books in recent years. So I thought I'd give these a shot. The next set will be the German Herbal references. Weirdly, I can read manuals and reference books; integrate - and then present in distilled fashion. Synthesizing the essential info, I guess.
I'm also starting to gather up the gardening essentials. It's almost time to start slow-growing herbs indoors, under lights. I have fertilizer ordered to be tilled into the garden... the traditional one's I used to spread twice a year at the first homestead, and some blood meal for the heirloom tomatoes. I can spread fertilizer, while it's still muddy... but it'll be late May/early June before I can work it into the soil. I'm going to need more seed pots - my old ones migrated to the Hut. But at least they're growing too - so we have redundant chances of getting a crop. Green house will get delivered middle of March. No idea how long that'll take to put up, but Hol assures me she and S are good at this kind of thing.
She finally has gutters on her garage; and the shop gutters are on. That just leaves garage doors & insulation in the shop. Doors are in; subcontractor has me on the schedule; just waiting now. After 2 winters with solar/batteries/generator backup... adding the garage electric into the system... her big rack of panels and chargers/inverters/batteries are pretty reliable. Road work is definitely on the agenda; along with an equipment shed, fence & coops at Hut pond for birds... when we get around to it. I'm going to plant a little differently this year, so we have things to can - get Hol up and running now that she's pretty much got her spaces dialed in. It was hard to find wide-mouth lids... but a friend in KY has cases on his shelf and sent me a dozen boxes. I've been seeing lids & rings - of all places in an upscale grocery over the mountain. I grab a couple boxes of those when I see them, and they're adding up. The jars have been more available & I stocked up again (third time in my life) pre-covid.
I'm gonna run out today and get a new faucet for the utility sink in studio garage (old one is leaking badly) - I need water for my seedlings down there. Hol got everything else plumbed back again. If y'all are looking for a good book on basic household DIY, Reader's Digest and Family Handyman magazines both published basic how-to books with good instructions & illustrations. Got mine on Amazon. I figure things out better reading rather than watching a youtube video; other people are different... and with a book on the shelf, one doesn't need to fret over losing bookmarks, or remembering what the vid was called.
Even with Buck around and claiming jobs like that for himself - I still want to do them; know HOW; and get some practice in. We're figuring that bit out. Many times, it's better to get out of his way & let him do it himself.
I know this SOUNDS like a lot going on - but day to day reality is nothing much is happening until it warms up and the ground thaws. And as far as my house makover stuff goes - what I brought from the beach has fit & served ME, pretty well... but now it needs to adapt again. I think I'm kinda waiting until ALL B's stuff is here before I commit to any new purchases, so mostly window shopping, measuring, visualizing... and thinking about letting things go that no longer serve: just take up space. I might MAKE some furniture; I have all the tools to do so... it's just going to require finally getting the barn, shop & garages organized.
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Amber:
What furniture will you make? Tables? Chairs? I think that would be very satisfying work.
Lighter
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Ah. The furniture making idea comes up on a regular basis because I can "see" what I want - I go shopping online, in person, look for artisans - and don't find what I see. Occasionally, a few years later - THERE it is. LOLOLOL.
But Hol & I have talked about this together. And it's still intriguing me. I'm a form follows function person, in design. Always have been. So think primitive, functional - and then the "purty" worked into the surface a little later. Both Hol & I are on the "less is more" path these days... expressing that differently. Style wise I'm leaning Industrial these days - with a whole lot of "Early Viking" touches. She's more modern - with a post-apocalyptic & shamanic twist.
So that's a future possibility, and maybe we only make stuff for US, to suit our unique spaces/wants. Who knows?
My favorite passed down heirlooms are a pair of handcarved, caned seat Oak chairs that made the trip to me, originating in Switerland. They even have turned spindles. It's kinda hard to imagine my ancerstors sitting on these kinda delicate things though; Grandma was 6 ft tall and 200 lbs. Thankfully, I got more my Dad's genetic make up, though I'm not gonna blow away anytime soon.
:D
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I once asked for a Viking hairdo with a bit of hippie mixed in......
I got something very tall.... very 1960's beauty queen.
::shaking head::.
When you describe your potential furniture projects...... I picture a big plank table with amazing wood......and maybe something functional to hold a coffee station....... no chairs.
Chairs seem harder.
Lighter
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Around here logs tend to function as seats, side tables... benches... (w/ a board of course)....
and yes, chairs - traditional chairs - are difficult to design & assemble. But there are easier ways. :D (she says hopefully...)
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Of course, hadda Google...
https://www.pinterest.com/marianneguymon/log-furniture/ (https://www.pinterest.com/marianneguymon/log-furniture/)
Only original thought I had is that you can make one slice of a lovely log beautiful just with sanding and finishing, and turn it into something special with LEGS.
Check out Etsy for gorgeous turned legs at a very reasonable price.
Have fun!
hugs
Hops
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That furniture link was very fairy magical, Hops. Makes me want to build little fairy houses in the woods with little children again.
Lighter
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Will miracles never cease?
The shop has garage doors on it now, so all closed in from the weather. Which means Buck can bring bigger tools next Saturday. Gutters, too. So insulating the ceiling is the last "big job". There are some electrical outlets that need to be wired in; the door knob on the walk-in door... then he & I will hang his big lights. 6 of them...
Hol & I are getting restless waiting for the weather to be nice enough, long enough... to get outside and back on those kinds of physical tasks. Yesterday & today have seemed like March - wind roared last night. I have to finish up some sewing (altering) for B, start some of the early crop seeds (fertilzer is already coming in) and make a batch o' cookies for B and straighten up the house. Cleaning isn't going to be the usual because it's MUD season - and no matter how often I clean Knuckles, Hol & B walk into the house with muddy shoes. SIGH. Hol's situation is even worse, poor thing - the dogs go out/in several times a day. Freddy's started finding mousies again, so they're waking up too.
Once B can start setting up the shop - he can move what he has stored in my barn - and Hol has a portable heater I can borrow to move seed starting out there from the studio garage - where we still have purging, organizing, Hol has some stuff to still move... and making decisions about what we'll keep. B and I have duplicates of some tools.
There has been talk about moving the fire pit and using the old space for a "hillbilly hot tub" - B says the best treatment for a lot of his back pain has been in a heated pool. Not surprising - he is part fish, I think.
Whee. Fingers crossed, the surgeon we're meeting with on the 3rd, can get an OR opening (since this is outpatient surgery) during this trip. Then B needs 10 days to heal up before they fill the pump. Being less in pain, should unleash his ability to accomplish more in one day than the average 40 yr old. I have to get in shape, just to keep up with him.
Then, things will start moving at warp-speed.
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Well, while y'all are doing all THAT sort of stuff,
I have been watching skateboarding bulldog videos.
(But I did schedule a nice young woman looking for short-term hourly to come work on the paperwork dragon with me tomorrow.)
Fingers crossed!
KUDOS on all you're accomplishing, seriously.
I'm awestruck.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, your plan to hire help with the pw dragon is just as exciting as Amber's the barn, shop, firepit, hot tub, mice and planting projects.
I'm over the moon for you......something like that can move everything forward and change perspective. So glad!
Lighter
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Aww thanks, ((((Lighter)))).
It really does help (with my brain)....to have help.
She sounds smart and good-natured and I look forward to it.
Two-three hours working together tomorrow, and again on
Monday if needed.
Costly but worth it!
hugs
Hops
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Oh good Hops! I'm glad you found someone to help. If I let that stack of paperwork accumulate I swear it grows into mammoth proportions, the longer I procrastinate. It breathes down my neck and won't let me sleep - or do anything else until I begin dealing with it.
Skateboarding bulldogs? :eyes wide open: Oh my. The things this pandemic has driven us to.
Any news on the dating front? Eye candy at least?
Lighter, are the girls continuing to recover solidly so you can go to the island and not worry? Sounds positively therapeutic: sun, sand & surf... but until B gets moved & fixed up, we can't think about running away for some play time. He still wants to teach me diving - and now that he's experienced my claustrophobia first-hand, knows it has to be in super clear water. But he hasn't been out west for years either... and I kinda have some rattling around thoughts about Wyoming and Montana.
But, I've been more & more in a simple joyful feeling space lately... that even mopping the mud off my floors sounds fun. I am truly a weirdo. Whatever y'all get up to doing this weekend - HAVE FUN!!!
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LOVE hearing you joyful, Amber! :)
Not dating; haven't since pandemic began. No point fighting through those obstacles. And I needed a fallow season. Might or might not start again in spring. I'm thinking, maybe not. Maybe just go take classes that appeal, do exercise, join Sr. Ctr, see whomever I happen to meet with an open mind. Will return to findageezer.com eventually if nothing else pans out. But less with goal in mind, more just...why not.
You are NOT a weirdo. You're actually sounding a whole lot more like realest Amber.
How good to read.
hugs
Hops
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The girls continue to feel better, Amber. Thanks for asking.
The island trip is still on. My brother is SO happy about the pizza oven and ice cream maker he's bringing. I'm excited he's creating new family rituals and yummy food from our childhoods. Oh.... homeade chocolate sauce, or what we call "dope." I hope we can find Grandma's recipe.
You're welcome to explore the cottage and crystal clear waters if you decide to go diving; ) Lord knows you and Buck would tackle a little project and I would appreciate the help.
Lighter
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Some good news!
So, B is cleared of infection allowing surgery to proceed. Surgeon did a pretty thorough exam to plan out location of devices. It can take up to a month for the approval/scheduling process to finally complete. Then at least a month for B to heal up enough to resume his aggressive work routines. It's taken a year to get to this point - but we're finally here!
I was silly giddy happy yesterday... and it feels like a huge load has lifted - for both of us.
OH... and I have a new kitty, courtesy of B. Black Jack is a few months younger than Stinker. Deep black, glossy, with big green eyes. One small white spot on his chest. And he's a singer. He is one of the friendlier ferals B has been feeding at his place.
I'm starting garden work the next few days.
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Really, really happy to hear about B, Amber!
It does seem like the hope at the end of a torturous pilgrimage
for the poor man. Just the idea of him being out of pain is dazzling.
I watched an astonishing NOVA on my PBS Passport stream last night,
about the advances in bionic limbs (based on new types of amputation
surgery that create a biological joint and preserve options in nerves that
the brain can simply pick up on to recreate proprioception, amazingly).
Bet he'd like it. Bet you both will be rolling in spring sensations soon!
And btw, BJack sounds awesome. And gorgeous.
hugs
Hops
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I'm relieved to see B's medical situation is moving along and in a good direction. YES!
Wonderful update, (((Amber and Buck.)))
Lighter
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Still waiting to hear what date surgery might be scheduled. B's gone back home with instructions to try to gain body fat... which is difficult when he's currently managing pain by concentration of his mind & movement of his body. He also can't eat large amounts at any given time without causing issues. The protein shakes upset his stomach.
He's also got a one-minded fire to get as much packed up to move as possible next trip. He'll need at least a month of carefully enforced "light duty" during recovery, so I'm stocking up on 2x4s to keep him still enough for the incisions to heal and the pump to firmly implant itself.
Spring is trying to sproing! The scattered clumps of Daffodils are up (I really need to order & plant more bulbs.) Helga the Beast of a Jeep has been reborn, and had a facelift. That's been B's project. She now sports a big winch on a new bumper and will have a reminder posted on the dash for Hol: trees don't move. LOLOLOLOLLOL.
Busy days around here, so I'm not "in my head" so much. Feeling good - although I still need to work on strength. Hol's got her weights set up in the Hut garage.... and has proposed I accept her offer of "personal training" advice. :rolleyes: There's a reason I would've been a really bad fit for the military; to wit, her brand of "encouragement" often has the opposite effect on me. I dunno if she'll have time though; greenhouse gets delivered this month.
New kitty Black Jack, is starting to settle in. Freddy still isn't impressed with him, but so far there haven't been any scuffles. Stinks & Jack are thick as thieves... and Stinks is over the moon to have a younger playmate. Being feral, Jack bonded to B - who can pet him and pick him up. So far, the closest Jack will get to me is a few feet away when I feed him - or playing with my feet under the covers of the bed. He can't go outside until he's neutered - and I can't make the appt until I know I can pick him up and get him in a crate.
And I just heard I'm dogsitting today for Knuckles.
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Awww, the menagerie sounds wonderful, Amber. Woofs and purrs (not to mention quacks and clucks...)
SO glad B is moving forward toward a new pain pump. He deserves that miracle. It's incomprehensible what he's had to go through to get it, but the tunnel light seems to be glowing brighter.
He is so very very lucky to have you tracking, supporting, planning. I hope he tells you so!
hugs
Hops
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If I don't post - you should assume No News = Good News.
Just been readjusting to being solo again, getting seeds started, thinking ahead... even though our priorities and "next things" are already mapped out and just "doing" - with plenty of downtime right now waiting on better weather on days I'm not committed to something else. It's still too wet to start digging dirt in the garden.
Life is good here - MOSTLY because none of us take the "stories with agendas or opinions and viewponts" as actual news anymore. And we aren't emotionally manipulated by most of those things either. We know human nature is the same as it ever was - no matter how effectively we try to grow and change for the better. It's a quieter life but we're used to making our own entertainment. Got Buck a chess set this year for his birthday.
I haven't had a lot of contact with B this week. He went home to a sewer disaster that was created by the county - who also tried to fine him for the situation. He's just been one foot in front of the other since getting home. I don't tug at him all day because my job is to get the shop finished and make room in the house for what he's bringing. I'm still trying to create trust between Jack kitty and myself - and I have been able to quickly pet him before he realizes it's me. LOLOL. I can also pick him up but I mostly just respect his space and talk to him all day. He's a very chatty kitty.
Hol & S are working on the foundation prep for the greenhouse and getting garden beds ready. She's still painting in the hut & garage... trying to get back into weight training... and looking forward to planting the trees outside that have been in her house all winter. Rick, my backhoe guy, plans to move south in June. He's been shoring up our miles of road and the backhoe has gotten a lot of maintenance done, courtesy of him and Buck. More to come - and it highlights the need for some kind of equipment shed storage for that investment. As much as we're doing around here the bobcat & hoe are absolutely necessary - and B is bringing more equipment.
Fickle March weather - today feels like another good day for a fire. But I will need to clean out the stove first.
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This sounds wise to me, Amber:
Life is good here - MOSTLY because none of us take the "stories with agendas or opinions and viewponts" as actual news anymore.
I do have the capacity to trust some people with well-earned perspective or wisdom that I know I do not have; nor do I have the experience or expertise to. I don't feel humiliated or devalued by that, just humbled in a positive way. I am willing to learn from ethical and educated (via common sense or "book learnin'") sources I scrutinize fairly well, I believe. Nobody's taking "authority" over my own mind and reasoning, but that doesn't make me unwilling to learn from others' reasoning. I learn a lot from YOU, for example, even where we differ.
This article gave me new insight about extremes on either end today: https://newsletters.theatlantic.com/the-third-rail/6234aa276c90860020516e75/republican-conspiracy-russia-ukraine (https://newsletters.theatlantic.com/the-third-rail/6234aa276c90860020516e75/republican-conspiracy-russia-ukraine)/
Every time I think about your life on the mountain (and your plans with Buck) I feel a glow in my chest, a whiff of vicarious happiness, and a sense that good things are happening in a beautiful, sheltered part of the world. I visit you in my imagination every time you report on the busy, productive things you are immersed in, and I love it! Thank you for sharing your plans and accomplishments so generously.
hugs
Hops
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Phew! A relatively quiet morning today. Up & down weather - Tuesday morning it was almost zero degrees... and I've been out barefoot this morning, it'll be 70 something today but wind is kicking up to gale force again. Out like a lion, I suppose.
I have a new weird idea floating around in my head, and given I only have my perspective on it thought I'd throw it out for feedback. After talking with my F2F folks around here, about how difficult our early lives have been - for various reasons - it SEEMS universally accepted/understood that the most uncomfortable, anxiety-motivating life conditions are when we are reasonably secure (in our homes, income, expected daily routines), and there are no major stressors or "projects" going on in our lives. When we've got nothing to really complain about, ya know? Emotionally pleasant times... no unfulfilled expectations... no regrets about the past - whether paths not taken, or those we did and struggled with. Maybe it's that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" phenomenon... but nowhere in nature does it always follow that bad things happen in equal proportion, or EVERY time, something good happens.
People also seem to handle that "fear of happiness/contentedness" differently. Some actively seek out external "causes" to become passionately involved in... even at the level of "OPP" (other people's problems). Some despair, and fall into a black hole of hopelessness/futility. Some simply seem adrift... vulnerable to whatever crosses their path that hooks their attention, even if it's only for a day. As if there is no coherent "self" with it's own interests, etc. to pursue, master... or just enjoy in gratitude & bliss.
And it manifests differently in the different stages of life, too. Hol & I have been talking about this more lately. She and I have a different (we think it's healthy) attitude about death... as in, it's an absolute given part of the cycle of life and fearing the unknowns of it instead of seeing it as an adventure of exploration & discovery doesn't really make a lot of sense. That's not to endorse a reckless disregard for life, mind you. But the idea that when we were born, we were already committed to dying, is just a part of nature and fearing or avoiding it at ALL costs doesn't always make sense. Worse is when someone subconsciously RESISTS the reality of that fact of life, methinks.
An obsession with that fear can turn into a dysfunctional passive life pattern - and I don't mean anti-socially; hermiting. To me, it's as if a person spends so much time, energy and financial resources on trying to guarantee their own security that there is simply no room anywhere in their consciousness or lives for any "nutritious" activities or interactions.
[Note: I acknowledge that fear of loss of others in our lives is a completely different animal. This idea of fear of happiness is almost linked somehow to the fear of the LOSS of it. So, if one is so afraid of feeling that happiness/contentedness that one shuts it off... and simultaneously, is fearful of losing it... it seems like one traps oneself in a self-destructive negative feedback loop. All the "if, thens" send that person from one uncomfortable state of the duality to the other... ad nauseum.]
Maybe I'm missing something, in that understanding. Maybe it's not quite ready "for primetime" - to express & share; maybe it's just PART of a bigger idea. I dunno. I can only see it from where I'm at - and other people will see it differently. So I thought we could throw our ideas at it like spaghetti at the wall... and maybe everyone move their ideas/understanding a little further down the path we're on.
Your turn! :D
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Those are such interesting, worthy speculations, Amber. And maybe not speculative but true according to physics or even metaphysics. Both of those are way above my pay grade but your post sparked a lot of thoughts and recognitions. Thanks!
Anxiety is so complicated. Sometimes when I was immersed in the extreme high stresses of various crises over the years, I'd be too numb to name it, but my body would still play it out. So though I did have moments of ecstasy, I mostly wouldn't often be happily distracted or immersed in a contented flow as you describe, but instead, marinating in adrenalin. Day to day, simple living and regular routines have always been a struggle because of the ADD, so the shame-cycles of that would spark new anxiety spurts. Tried meditation and anxiety would spike even more, though I still am certain meditation would be helpful if I could maintain the habit.
I think some of it, actually a lot of it, is not incorrect thinking or analyses but what my thoughts and feelings mean to me, looked at all together. Early inclinations and religious training supported my basic nature (like my father's) as mostly an empath. Just a jittery, poorly-regulated one. Codependency lurks just beyond the borders of loving and caring. But that doesn't make the loving and caring not worth risking. An impulse toward meaning gives purpose, even when one feels ineffective. As does love.
Sometimes I speculate that more of our feeling states and thinking patterns are biological than we understand. And others are flabbergastingly mysterious, for which I can only scrape up the word "spiritual." Experiencing hypnosis and having my life saved by it, was one crack in the universe that let in a different light. That deep life force I'd always thought of as an abstraction was palpable then, and it changed things. It was mystery and positive, not fearful.
Ime, anxiety seems like this:
panicky thought cycles
biological and chemical reactions to events or sensations
chickens and eggs arguing over which of these came first
I don't fear death itself. In some ways I look forward to it but that's just residual hope from early religion. Mainly, I think of it as something that nature knows how to do and I don't, so it's something I'll be able to submit to in trust. Just as babies submit to being shoved down the birth canal. When I watched my father's face transform to pure wonder as he died, it was comforting. I don't know if he went down the tunnel to an amazingly beautiful other dimension of energy that contains him still, or whether after a huge whoosh of last light and the brain bringing up deep beautiful stored memories or images, he winked out forever. (Hence, agnosticism.) And I never will know until I'm there myself. Meanwhile, instincts seem to urge us to keep living as long as we can.
I do fear loneliness and suffering before death. I am not afraid to go pretty deeply into where emotions can go as that leads to creativity at times, but I'm also a physical coward with a low pain threshold. I've spent so much time with the very old that I recognize that acute loneliness, neglect and suffering may become the norm for some of us. On the other hand, some very-old do seem more contented than folks a decade or two younger, and that's interesting. Maybe by then one is more at peace with the outcome and it just gets incorporated into the present.
One factor for me that may never change is that losing my only child (and family) changed my attitude toward fear of loss. She's not dead but I don't expect to ever see her again. For me, I don't expect to ever experience a greater loss (unless she died), so I doubt anything will possibly ever hurt as much. So I don't feel anxiety about that any more, as it proved something profound about releasing the outcome. Or accepting that the outcome is entirely out of our hands. When there's no choice, you do what you have to do as much as you are able. Or just keep breathing even if sometimes you'd rather feel nothing.
Although I'll grieve as I lose friends one day, I will be raw-heartbroken when Pooch goes. But my belief is that unconditional love is as close as the next animal or human (or cause) in need of it, though, and I'll always need someone to love.
Ramble, ramble.
Not a very coherent response to your very coherent essay, Amber, but I enjoyed it a lot. If I could start every day with a deep think like this, it'd be awesome. Must create a To Do list.
hugs
Hops
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To-do lists are almost irrelevant these days to me, Hops. I know to feed the cats or they'll pester me till I do. I reduced the size of lists to the 2x2 post it size. Then I lose the damn post-it! or something comes up that I need to address that makes me forget there's a list at all. My anxiety revolves mostly around things I can't control - and I finely defined the few things I WANT to control, or attempt to. There is a mostly physical anxiety I have in response to clutter - and it hardly needs "managing" because when it hits that threshold, I'm feeling it and can't escape it until I've put things away. My brain needs empty surfaces - walls or tabletops - to deeply relax.
I do keep "plannng" journals. I have one for the garden, one for the property in general and a design notebook for drawings & notes about the things I'm envisioning some day in the future. These only get updated once or twice a year and there are no dates -- it's becoming impossible to predict when, for instance, the steel for my roof replacement will arrive - so that the rest of the materials & the work can scheduled. We have agreed on a general target timeframe. When I'm inspired - or someone else has a good idea - those go in the planning notebooks.
So more often now, I "do" based on when I "know" it's time. The kids seedlings are a couple weeks ahead of mine - but I kinda knew spring and reliable consistent warm temps were going to happen a little later this year. I don't know how I know; I just know. Same thing happens with purging or organizing. Without any apparent stimulus - it's just "time" to tackle that one thing. Sometimes, it involves letting go of stuff that's all woven into my early life conditions.
That kind of stuff is less intellectually centered; more intuitive, I think. And that's a new (inner) landscape for me to live in. It probably comes from the solitude; B tends to support it most of the time. Holly, is slowly starting to understand - and deal with her own processes.
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I think it sounds like a beautiful way of entering, accepting and supporting your life, Amber.
I was actually cracking a joke about a To Do list...I haven't gotten even that together. Thought it was funny to think of a list that has at the top every day:
1) Deep Think.
You know, it's not a bad idea. I did The Artist's Way morning pages for a short time, and remember really enjoying it. And I haven't journaled, other than here, for many years. Maybe that would be a much better way to launch a day than hours of news, eh? I might try it. Baby steps.
I kept a huge journal/sketchbook for a long time when I was younger. From front to back, I wrote journal stuff. Oy, relationships, dramas, trying to sort out who I was. But from back to front, I wrote my dreams.
The process was so amazing. The physical act of using cursive and writing down anything at all that I remembered. Even a scrap of an image, a few words grabbed out of the dark before the light washed it away. Doing that every morning, with the journal in grabbing distance, and in a couple of weeks I was writing page after page like a complete movie. I found it amazing, just to open a door a crack and through the physical act of writing/recording, not thinking, finding a whole nether world of my mind. I think that's maybe a hint as to why hypnosis actually worked for me, years later.
It wasn't just that it released me from smoking. It was that I learned inner encounters are real. I was interested enough in my deep hidden self that I was able to call on it.
'Bout time I did that again, I think. Wish me luck.
And meantime, I will think of the planning notebooks with awe. Beautiful in a whole different way.
hugs
Hops
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I usually revisit those notebooks or update them, twice a year Hops. It's just a place to hold my ideas about this place - and not all of them get executed and definitely priorities change so much it's silly to think of them as a to-do list. Just like the great room redecoration project - it's in my head, measurements noted as to space... sketches... and it's just waiting for me to have the time to revisit and see if I still "want" to do that. The house functions pretty darn well with the pieces I brought from the beach.
I'm chomping at the bit to get out in the dirt - and the next couple days are gonna be warmer, so I might start with the kitchen beds & prune the raspberries. My seedlings are definitely looking for dirt. Kids are busy with vehicle maintenance and the greenhouse project; and I think I may have to give Hol a hand with the greenhouse. S is working a lot so isn't around.
B is still waiting to hear from surgeon; still waiting after a month of leaving messages for a call back. And this last round of steroid shots put him in the ER with a severe hypertensive reaction. It's taken him 3-4 days to recover from that. He already has two recommendations that the dosage is way too high and the frequency/number of shots is too much as well. I'm more than a little unclear how his insurance can all of a sudden insist he get these shots - or lose all his coverage. Sounds like blackmail - and if he's got two other docs saying it's unnecessary and even dangerous - then why let the doc coerce him into an appt he didn't ask for?? Just say NO, right?
But my insurance is mess too. I was going to completely lose my private insurance when I turned 65 - UNLESS I signed up for Medicare. I looked at every available option in the private market for my state and they all required medicare. Signing up was easy enough to do online. But then the big surprises started. My private premium dropped to about 1/3 of what I'd previously been paying; but Medicare more than made up the difference as my premium was adjusted upward to reflect my income. So not saving any money; it's kind of a wash. Until we get to Part D - which I just got billed for. I have Rx insurance from my private insurance who've partnered with Express Scripts. (Mind you - I don't take ANY rx's.) So this month's medicare billing has doubled for Part D and the mailings I've got come from 3 different offices and say 3 different things. Now, I can read and get to the bottomline of complex contracts. But these mailings are intentionally written to contradict themselves and confuse, as far as I can tell. I'll be working the phone today to try to get this sorted out.
I guess they think everyone 65 & older just sits around bored all day and have all the time in the world to untangle their web of BS. I got news for 'em. :rolleyes:
And of course, my taxes are more complicated this year, since my longtime investment advisor moved on to another bank... and we qualified for the covid "employee retention credit". It's potentially a big credit for each employee we kept and paid full wages even when we barely kept net income in the black.
Yeah, I got nothing to do all day long; days on end. :rolleyes:
If there wasn't a move on to stop taking cash patients at docs & hospitals, I'd be tempted to cancel all that insurance and just bank that money - it works out to about 15K annually - and I only use it for glasses every year. It just seems like all insurance is a racket; con game and when a catastrophic event does occur - there's a little clause in the fine print which lets the insurer off the hook for paying out anything; much less replacement value at today's inflated prices.
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I couldn't begin to explain how or why, but my neighbor is an expert in insurance stuff, and during the open enrollment period he walked me through how to save. The bottom line was that although we investigated whether I could do better on the "medicare advantage" piece (part of my state retiree benefits, I guess it's what they call a Medigap plan). It turned out that because of the stroke 3 yrs back, the best option (AARP's) would put me in "Tier 3" which had a WHOPPING premium. So I'm sticking with the state program for what I'm already paying. I don't THINK they can raise the rates....
However, he did save me a bunch over ExpressScripts. For me, Humana's Rx plan was the best option. All I need to do is switch pharmacies to one in their network. Slightly less convenient, but no big deal.
The whole thing is way way way too complicated but I'm glad I went through the motions.
Good luck with all this, and much much luck to B. I doubt it's blackmail or conspiracy, but hope he gets through that roadblock PDQ. What a disappointment.
Health care in this country is lacking in CARE.
hugs and support,
Hops
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This Country doesn't practice healthcare.
It's sick care.
$15K a year for glasses seems a bit steep, Amber.
Lighter
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LOLOLOLOL. No kidding Lighter! But just try to get any kind of dental or eye care if you DON'T have insurance. They look at you as if you aren't speaking English.
Hops, I don't get to shop for Rx insurance; it's the only option for maintaining my private insurance.
So in yesterday's mail I have 2 letters from Medicare, from 2 different locations on 2 different dates... each showing me a different income-adjusted premium. Those amounts differed from the current billing statement premium due... and the website's amount when I logged in. I tried calling the phone number on the back of the bill. When all their spiel about using the website finished I got transferred to what was supposed to be a human. And heard that all the reps were busy assisting others and to call back later. Click.
So I opened a chat online. And was told, that YES, my Rx insurance is provided by private insurer... and that YES, medicare CAN decide I need to pay the GOV more money for the privilege of having that included in my private premium. And of course, pay it to the GOV. Mind you - I'm not getting any better or more guaranteed benefits from paying more. And I MUST have a plan D option/medicare or cancel the private RX coverage... which means my private insurer will cancel ALL of my coverage with them.
Since when can the gov add a surcharge (in the hundreds of dollars, btw - it's more than my total private insurance premium) to a commercial retail product? So, while our situations are different, it appears B & I are in the same catch-22 loop on insurance. And why is there more than 1 office determining what my premiums are going to be - and dear godz, why aren't they the same amounts?
I wouldn't still be in business if I ran things this way. And the whole thing feels very much like a Nigerian prince email scam, if only I send $10k to his bank account... I'll be verified as a beneficiary on the inheritance of a great fortune. Since I can legitimately claim Mennonite connections, I may check into what they do for insurance. Maybe I will go completely (as much as possible) Amish.
This feels like gaslighting. Feels like dealing with massive cognitive dissonance again. Smells really N-ish to me and I promised myself never to do that again. I have too much other - much more fun - stuff to be getting on with!!
Got some seeds into the kitchen garden yesterday; last bit of the shop will get finished up this week or next. AND the first clutch of baby ducks/geese have hatched.
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ETA:
Found part of the problem. They are using my MAGI for 2019 - which even for that year is grossly high. Am in search of that tax return now. I think they don't realize I'm only a 50% owner; the amount they quoted sounds like net income for the company that year - but my brother and I don't receive all that in dividends.
Nevermind that 2020's covid sales meant our net income went in the toilet. Last year was only marginally better; we had a bigger cushion from simply breaking even.
I am going to appeal their decision on my adjusted premium, assuming I can find the MAGI number in the 100 pg tax return.
:rolleyes:
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Aaaannnnnnnddddddd... it's snowing again! But it will turn to rain later, dissolving the organic fertilizer I spread over the garden yesterday. I still want to spread my mushroom compost and mix in some (very well composted) wood chips before I plant. Which now looks like I'll be waiting till after the last frost date - May 15th - this year. I'm going to have to pinch some seedlings back.
New kitty Black Jack has bounced back well since his neuter appt. and has gotten a lot easier to handle & snuggle. I don't think he has much interest in going outside with the big boyz. But technically he shouldn't be out till the end of the week anyway. And I'll need to give him the tour around the decks.
Other than that, not much news to report here. I am trying to keep busy and working on organizing/decluttering.
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All the steps involved in gardening..... you're putting in the time and effort, Amber. Keep us updated.
Lighter
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I'm finally focusing a little, since taxes forced it. Mine are so simple they only took a couple hours. Free IRS file and paid $15 for the state, which I didn't even need to file. Couple years back I was paying an accountant $350, but since retirement things are simple enough for me to plug it all in. My goal next year is to NOT wait until 9pm the day it's due at midnight!
Love your garden step reports, Amber. Vicarious pleasure for me for sure. This year I'm putting the veggie beds to bed and letting the soil slumber in compost pyjamas. Bit sad about it but not too much. Once I get the medical go-ahead I hope to get back to it. Meanwhile, I can at least stick some flower seeds in my big patio pots. And I still have a plan for front-yard sunflowers for Ukraine. Ordered 20 packs of seeds and give them to everybody who wants to do it.
hugs
Hops
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Tired, but am making headway on the garden work, on schedule for a change. Fell on the bucket, trying to climb into the bobcat - nothing serious, a scratch no bruise - but oh, my OTHER muscles feel it. Today is my day to return to the beast - which I've forgotten how to drive - and get wood chips & mushroom compost spread. At least piled in the garden to spread - rain is coming in.
Sunday, S got back from work and Hol took off for a serious pay bump (she solved her vehicle issue and he bought a new commuter car)... so during this cold snap, he's working on the truck problem and getting his old car ready to sell. Greenhouse is just waiting for both of them to be home at the same time. B is dealing with the hold-up in getting a callback from people to move his surgery appt along... and trying to undo the effects of the last forced steroid shots while preparing for the next load to move. Another of his oldtime buddies stood him up after promising to come stay a couple days and help. :rolleyes:
My tax situation went from annoying to painful to my wallet. Turns out this fancy Covid employee retention credit is considered "income" by the IRS. That is so backwards and pretzel-logic it hurts my head to try to think of it. CPA promises this is going to result in some sort of refund... someday... but it depleted my "pin money" for projects and decorating ideas to dangerous levels. So I'm glad Hol is making NYC-level pay at least for these few days she's working. And S got a promotion too.
Next week, Mike's D turns 40, so Hol and I have a party to attend over the mountain. I hope we don't embarass her too much - being the red-headed stepfamily, LOLOLOLOL. Depending on the vibes, we may not stay long but we will make an entrance. Hol made a small casket from some of her scrap wood... as the "gift box". I think I'll paint "Its all downhill from here!" on it. :evil grin: Mike was (in)famous for his tacky joke gifts, so I think she'll get it. I've collected a lot of little "midlife" survival items for her... and a sash & tiara...
Pollen season is taking it's own sweet time arriving this year. There are candles on the pines, but they're not in full assault yet. Oaks haven't started at all. Next couple days, we have nights in the 30s again... so I still can't put my babies out in their summer habitat yet. That gives me time to finish getting the dirt amended (greensand and rock phosphate already spread and soaking in with the last snow) and tilled up. High tomorrow is gonna be in the 50s so I may move the babies inside tonight sans grow lights.
I'm watching way more YT than is good for me. And struggling with the various projects/maintenance around here that doesn't require throwing big money at it.
Feeling very alone (even tho S is here and now we talk some without tension/anxiety) with Hol & B gone. If it's gonna get done - I gotta do it. Still waiting on last contractor for the shop to get here and blow in insulation in the ceiling. Jack is helping some - he doesn't seem to want to be an outside kitty again. Freddy is still not accepting him - even though he was neutered a week ago. Weird cat behavior. Jack wants his playmate Stinks to come in -- and he's gone awol so far this morning. Stinks is now HUGE and strong as all get out. He was having a case of the zoomies outside yesterday and he MOVES fast.
But other than that, all is well on the farm. I think Hol will back later this week, and can give me a hand hitching up the cursed disc to blend in the compost in the garden.
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Can't imagine anything but happiness in Mike's D's heart to see you and H show up! And the gift box is great. Hope you have a great time.
Sorry for the currently lonely breeze, but when your loved ones get back it'll be balmly again.
So amazing to read about all the large volumes of good stuff you're able to add to your slice of earth-pie. Have to admit I envy it! A big bag of worm castings many years (and garden attempts) ago was the only earth-changing amendment I did. Plus some compost, too. But that year, with the worm stuff? Plants were leaping out of the dirt.
Taxes are such fun. I don't get if they needed to be withheld from employee paychecks or what. But it does remind me of my one tax scare years back. I'm glad it's a transient thing, and knowing you're secure in your life even if there's some belt-tightening necessary, is a good thing.
Does it call up any inner questions about the long term?
hugs
Hops
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No inner questions Hopsy. Just a resolve to use my brain & mouth to better purpose than I've done recently. I've become way too trusting of people I don't actually know, of late.
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Hear! Hear! To using Brazilian and mouth to better purpose!!
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Wot?
Brazilian?
I am confused?
:)
Hops
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That's one of the more humorous "autocorrect" typos I've seen in a while.... That's the first thing I turn off on a new device. I don't want suggestions; I don't want to be "told" how something is spelled -- I want to be able to do that MYSELF.
:P on "assistance devices" for healthy people.
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Heeee!
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Thought of you and the moss yesterday Lighter.
I have rocky spines of the bedrock sticking up all around my house and a random collection of boulders in one area that houses my firepit. Moss and lichens covering open dirt around most of those rocks... huge areas of lichens along the driveway... and it's all natural. Anyway, around the firepit area is where I wanted to establish an herb garden. The soil is horribly poor there and topsoil almost non-existent. It would be lovely to see large, tall clumps of bee balm, lavender, etc tucked between those boulders ya know? (Some good helpful flowers too.)
But that would mean burying the moss in topsoil to be able to plant. And now I'm torn. LOLOL. Maybe when B is here next time, I'll pick his brain some on my plans. I have the equipment to be able manage this without killing myself - and his efforts at cleaning up the woods that are encroaching are opening up new possibilities too. Hillsides require terraces or swales... and I need to be able to drive my "toys" to places to bring enough tools and conserve my energy for the actual work.
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Well, the farm is now baking in this heat. This afternoon I need to go water my seedlings after the sun starts to move around and plant a couple more herbs. Garden's still not ready. Hol & I managed to get the disc hitched up - then spent 2 hrs troubleshooting the wiring to the PTO and motor. So it's now dead where it sits until B gets here. The backhoe blew another hydraulic hose... I'm beginning to think it's user error. We've replaced 4 so far and since they need to be custom built they ain't cheap.
According to Medicare, my tax returns for subsequent years after 2019 weren't eligible to be considered a "loss of income due to circumstances beyond my control" due to covid, so my appeal on the premium adjustment was denied. It will flluctuate down next year. Then, I got a gigundus, outsized tax payment... that has depleted a lot of my savings. Good thing the metal shop is done though I haven't gotten the bill yet for the insulation. But the steel is ordered for this summer's roof replacement... and this is gonna be an expensive proposition; knew that up front - but it has to be done.
Helga needs a new exhaust before she can be inspected; B's work on it so far has REALLY improved it. Hol's car needs a tuneup and speedometer cable. Their truck had a coolant leak; Steve was able to fix that. Steve's new car supposedly had a transmission issue. Either he imagined it, being a new unfamiliar car, or again perhaps user error; or the issue was minor. And he still has to get the subaru driveable and sold. Mine still needs an oil pressure sensor and an oil change... but B's list is already pretty full. Hol can do her own car; she's pretty good at that and she's not sure about Helga's exhaust - because if it needs welding that's more B's specialty. I was going to trade in my daily jeep for something older and less techno-gizmos on it but given the good mileage it gets I'm hesitating. It'll be 10 years old next year. The rubicon is older than that and doesn't have 30k miles on it yet. But it's hardly fuel efficient.
Long story short... she found a tiller on craigslist; mom had the cash; and she brought it home that afternoon. So as soon as the temp drops to bearable, I'll be donning my overalls and playing dirt farmer - FINALLY. B is bringing 3 tillers; so I guess the kids will get this one.
Still no word on surgery/insurance approvals etc yet. It's almost June and that's stuck right where we were in March.
But he DID have to go get more steroid shots... which promptly caused his feet to erupt again and has upped his pain levels (which the shots are supposed to help) to the point, he finally found a TENS unit on Amazon that's helping as long as he runs it on high, for the maximum allowable time. He's definitely hoping to be here in a couple weeks, but I know he also tends to make sure he has a firm appt during his stay.
I warned ya I was gonna be busy! But I didn't think I would be so stressed & overwhelmed - feeling defeated - by all of it. Hol does her best to help - but both of them are working more now. S is working as much as he can, in case jobs all dry up again. Told him, it'd help if they both be home at the same time - he's developing gardens and permaculture spaces; Hol always has some project or other going on. She did get her trees planted. Their greenhouse kit is here and she just picked up the sheet metal that project needs.
We're just doing one thing at a time, until the "problem list" shrinks. Plugging along as best we can. We are planning a roast ourselves in the sun day with margaritas, though. Maybe more than one - Debbie will be here over the holiday. I'm in menu planning phase now... figure I'm making potato salad and burgers & dogs on the grill or firepit, one day. And then easy meals without a lot of time prepping. I need to pick a day to defrost my freezer, too. It got iced up a few years back - before the generator - when we had no power for 4 days. Exciting, huh? :D
I kinda miss my pool for "days off". Hol has a big stock tank that she's plumbing with a drain to collect/reuse water on her flower beds. Maybe I'll borrow her truck and get one for up here too.
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Hey, Amber:
I have to admit your post exhausted me just to read all the parts and pieces and repairs and jobs and planting and murder of moss or not murdering moss....maybe just shovel it up with a layer of whatever it's growing on and place it BACK on top of whatever soil you put down to grow the helpful plants? just a suggestion as it seems to want to grow where it's at, but lady, you have your hands full and what I wanted to read most from you just wasn't there.
Wasn't there in any way...... the medical stuff set up and under way for B...... just not there and it's a disgrace.... we should do better by our Vets.
Take care of yourself and your body, while you still can. I know you're pretty careful, so that's all I'll say about that.
Lighter
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Well, I'll get a little R&R next weekend. My friend Debbie is coming out for a change of scenery.
I simply can't fight or think or care about the things I can't control anymore. Like the medicare & tax things; I was ballistic... and then just shut it all down and accepted the situation. It is what it is. As long as I can keep minding "my own garden"... and finding the things I want to do -- or just NOT DO, coz I have that choice too -- then I have nothing to complain about.
Buck will be here; appt or no. We have plans to deal with the possibility there will be no surgery. I don't often let myself pine for him, but I do miss him. And vice versa. We speak frequently. He's busy. I'm busy. And since he's the expert at working through the bureaucratic tangles... I'm only focusing on things I can do to help, in the meantime.
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Until it cools off, I get to wash pollen off car & ranger... and play plumber. I have a couple leaky toilets. Joy.
Jack is starting to want to be outside more now.
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B will be here next week; needs a blood test and something else minor before surgery on the 24th. Then he's here for a month recuperating, under my watchful eye.
Hol & I got the brassicas planted; it's getting ready to rain - but I'll get tomatos and peppers in next then till more garden for some feed corn, beans, squash... etc.
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Sorry for the last really quick update. He hit me with that first thing in the morning and I was kinda in shock. Seems too fast, as hard as it's been to jump through all the hoops in front of him, to get healthcare at all. And I started running through the list of everything I needed to do before he got here... and it's truly not that much. Tomatos & peppers will go in tomorrow when it's cooler. Shopping run today and maybe later in the week too.
This is the long visit. Doc wants him to rest up 30 days, to let the pump heal in adequately before going back to his normal level of physical activity; which puts some younger men to shame. So my job is to ride herd on him & the squirrels in his brain. LOL. Then, he figures there are 2 more trips before he's done going back & forth. If this one is successful, and actually starts dripping the pain relief to his destroyed nerves... it won't be long.
I've been trying to get my metabolism rev'd up a little, with the necessary work around here. That kills two birds at one time. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with him - and my neuro pathways for energy are all associated with stress. So, trying to tweak that back toward balance. Trying to figure out better food for lunches too. But that's been a struggle for awhile. At least it's salad season and I make good potato and pasta salad.
Hol seems to be a bit of a mess; emotionally/mentally. But that's partly something she knows is difficult for her -- unstructured time fuels overthinking & picking flies outta shit. Magnifying little "problems" and imagining slights.... she does much better with clear goals & deadlines and is learning to create those for herself. It's not like she doesn't have big important things to "do". It's not like she's deeply unhappy being here. But she can easily talk herself into believing some of the fantasies (or old wound-fueled narratives) in her head. I'm managing to refute the untrue things while basically letting her figure this out herself.
I know it must feel like a lot to manage for her, what with both of them working more at staggered (sometimes overlapping) times - and the resulting extra chores for me, taking care of dogs and feeding birds. She has imposed a giant obligation on herself to "take care of mom" -- which is bigger than it has to be. I have been telling her, I can and WANT to do things myself. But that's not sinking in yet. Coz I don't work the way she does, and make everything an urgent "get it done now" priority. I know better than to spread myself too thin - and am only beginning to surface from the business stuff (administration) I've been submerged in.
She is also dealing with changes in the outside world too. What she sees of the city scares the crap out of her now. But she's being pretty pragmatic about dealing with the fear, most of the time. She lived there long enough to know how to sense trouble before she has to deal with it. But sadness & worry for those she cares about who are still there, sometimes can make her unreasonable. She forgets, in that state, I've lived through "hard times" and know cities too. Because I don't now, reads to her, like I can't possibly imagine.
This kid is a whole package of "stuff", for sure - and adulthood so far, hasn't really done more than wear off a little of the rough edges. LOLOL. Think: FORMIDABLE. And yet, she can revert to silly, giggly, playful sweetie in the next split second. I think she got the weirdo gene.
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Hi,Amber:
I'm SO happy B has surgery scheduled and has someone, YOU, on his team to oversee and help. I can't imagine all the hospital stuff he's tried to get through without a good advocate at the hospital.
Hol will figure her stuff out and learn from your mindful boundary setting. Sure, she'll push back, but that's OK.
The push back my youngest was serving has calmed itself and she's talked about what was behind it...... explained it. It helps us both understand and keep moving forward. It's not always pretty, but it's in the right direction and that has to be enough.
I'm happy to read about your garden,but notice I have zero interest in planting and caring for much right now. I have one large hole to dig and every day I touch my shovel...... move my arm..... consider it, then put it off a bit longer.
Lighter
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I get the not wanting to plant & care for "something else". I am still trying, especially the veg garden - which needs more tilled up & seeded - the squash, beans, etc - pretty quick. I also need to pot up some herb seeds. So far, I've gotten valerian established.
I feel I've been pulled in too many very different directions again. What with the medicare crap, taxes, Hol's need to be "heard" about whatever rolls thru her head... and am kinda sitting down, crossing my arms, and saying to myself... when is someone gonna take care of ME? So far, that ain't on the radar. Though Hol did help me with a particularly difficult toilet tank disassembly. I made one fix myself; and the tank still leaks... so just about everything inside needs replaced or I buy a new toilet.
A week ago, my brother texted me late. He'd taken my mom to the hospital because she was short of breath, seriously. They've diagnosed congestive heart failure and very high BP. But it just hit me wrong that late at night; along with the realization she'll be 90 next spring and sort of a long-held secret wish that my life could just be free of the conflicting feelings I still have about her. Since I was about 12, I've wanted my mommy back - the one before she lost it when her mom died. Somewhere in there, my old mommy still exists and still feel very intensely about how she hasn't been able to retrieve that self - for her own sake. She and I don't have anything that resembles a relationship, so it's not like I can plead with her about that.
I've known for some time, that this time was coming. I've expected to feel all kinds of things about it too. So it's not a surprise. Why should feelings about her death be any less conflicted than the last 50+ years, ya know? Fortunately, I'm no longer responsible for handling her affairs - I think. I'll need to talk to brother about that. Have some business things to follow up on with him anyway.
My subconscious is working through a whole bunch of stuff lately in recurring dream landscapes. The beach house, other living situations/people... I'm just kinda watching them and not letting the fact I'm having strange dreams become a new puzzle to solve.
I still have a few plants to put in the dirt - a real nice foxglove I bought locally, some marigolds and nasturiums. The kitchen bed needs weeding and my car needs a bath, badly. Years of pollen stuck to door frames, etc. Poor thing will be 10 years old next year! But I'm glad I haven't been tempted to trade it in or sell it, since it gets great gas mileage still. And I probably put more fuel in the farm vehicles than I do the jeeps.
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I'm so sorry, ((((((Amber))))). We all have incipient inner orphan grief, and we can be in our 60s or 70s when the final door to a different outcome with parents closes in our face...
So to that little girl inside you, tenderness. And to your lost mother, peace and as much comfort as possible. It's a major chapter -- the last one. Closing the book takes a long time after, but it will work its way through the psyche and free you.
I think it's got to be YOU who steps up with the boundaries that give you space to care for yourself. Dang it. Just if you can, do it (= say it) before you feel resentment or anger rising. You don't have to justify or detail it or blow up about it, just assert your needs. We're all selfish and deaf so it helps to have someone just say what's happening.
I'm feel all pontificant today and just got properly smacked on the wrist for wrongly correcting a word thing in the Post. Hmmm. Did me good, so do dump salt on what I opine....
hugs
Hops
PS I am blowing $$ on having my 2008 car detailed (interior only). I have to drive a couple people to a gathering and Pooch had a smelly accident...ugh. But it'll be a joy to drive once the doghair-upholstery is spruced up. All the bending involved in doing it myself is not an option at the moment. My back just seized up this morning when all I did was bend down to collect a jar out of a low cupboard. Made 5 power shakes anyway to freeze. Pea protein, frozen spinach, blueberries/banana/tart cherries/mangos, turmeric, stevia, soymilk. Not elegant but gets those nutrients in.
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((Amber)) Maybe writing unsent letters to the mum you had before age 10... will help? Not sure, but I hope you find serenity around your mother. My heart wants to walk your inner child through memory reconsolidation to rewrite that story in your Nervous System. Do you see a T and does she do that kind work?
Hops:
Your shakes sound yummy.
Do you switch the soy milk up or do you have one you can't live without?
I've started using Kiki milk which isn't perfect....almost a little grainy, but I can't argue with the ingredient list.
What do you do to unsieze your back?
lighter
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I just leave my back alone and ask nothing more of it that day, Lighter. It's pretty pale compared to former fitness, but I'm coming along. Heart test #2 out of 3 is done and normal. So I'm feeling pretty optimistic and starting to believe that as intense as the chest pain and irregularities have felt, it may have been pure anxiety. Very possible. I won't know for sure until Sept (or maybe Nov.).
I only use Westsoy because it's the only one with 2 ingredients: soybeans and water. All the others have thickeners and weird stuff I'm not interested in. And I like the shelf-stable packages too. Normally for my smoothies I use kefir but I was out.
hugs
Hops
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I haven't felt the need for a T, in over 10 years Lighter. I did enough memory work during my time back then, I can do for myself what is necessary - IF it's necessary. And if I need a sounding board, Hol is ready & willing to call BS on anything I might concoct which isn't real. LOLOLOL.
Just the acknowledgement that little me, has long hoped that mom would put her self back together is enough. I think. There hasn't been any real relationship between us most of my life now. Adult me, is able to take care of little me. (And apparently LOTS of other things & people sometimes, too.) We've had limited contact - I've developed the ability to know when I'm not able to take her constant monologue of woe and never take suggestions, protecting myself. That's helped a lot. I've given to her what I CAN give; and it isn't relevant if that's "good enough". I can even accept that. She isn't a perfect human being, any more than I am. And people have different talents & capacities.
It's just a thing happening now - along with all the things - in my life at the farm. Like Buck returning on Friday. Hol maybe going to work for a week on a new production. Maybe having to feed the birds and care for dog(s). This "thing" with my mom isn't ever going to be resolved. And it'll be OK. Since it seems to have sufficed this long. I'm not unduly concerned or worried or emotionally upset by this. I don't HAVE to DO anything at all about it - and understand the real limitations of trying. Nothing much at all is going to change in my life, when she does die. She's only been warning me for decades & decades that she's going to... as if I don't have a clue about that particular law of nature.
There is plenty in my life to enjoy, to play with, to challenge myself and to learn. So, while the Matrix world of virtual reality consistently reinforces the utter horror of how bad things can be - they ain't that here. Not by a long shot. So we've been unplugging from it more and more. Finding strategies for staying informed and on top of things - without permitting our states of consciousness to be overrun with messages of despair, futility, and ultimate inescapable doom. That's been absolutely wonderful for keeping us focused and motivated. Productive. Work IS good for the soul. The old adage about Idle Hands comes to mind.
Hard times come... and hard times go. And people survive everything - including dark ages. People might be nicer or happier (genuinely) if we all learned to stop self-sabotaging our selves, every other turn. Tend our own gardens and not make so many things "our business". Think how much time we spend or waste - having/expressing opinions on things that are not our actual business. Doesn't mean we don't care about people - but everyone has to row their own boat for civilization to "work" out. No one else can actually do it for us.
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Acknowledgement is everything. That inner dialogue with little Amber was powerful. I've had a similar experience with my inner child (the day I literally saw and interacted directly with her in a self-hypnosis daydream) --acknowledged and apologized from my core to her: "I'm so sorry you've been so sad, and I will never leave you alone again". And the next moment (I've described it here before) changed my life at a spiritual level: I actually felt her arms come up around my neck and rest on my shoulders. In that moment on my sofa, I felt gentle pressure on my shoulders.
Blew my mind and confirmed the reality of our inner child for good for me. I'm really glad you're connecting with her at this time. You're also doing an outstanding job as an adult taking care of her -- the core self care.
I hear you about "virtual reality" but tend to feel being plugged in is necessary for me. I do believe the state of the country is my business because I love it. I refuse to let go and watch it fall. Even opinions -- mine aren't prescient but they're heartfelt and mostly fact based. I recognize a tilt or slant in several of the mainstream sources I generally trust, but also know that doesn't eliminate their capacity to also reveal and reinforce facts and truth. The fourth estate is essential to the survival of democracy, and I can walk and chew gum at the same time. I believe that unexamined cultural myths and irrational conspiracies and most of all, deep cynicism about journalism, are destructive. So I opine away...sometimes publicly, other times with people who disagree and challenge me, or with others who agree but could use encouragement to say what they think.
But I avoid pointless argument, not cut from that cloth.
I think you sound really grounded, Amber, and your perspective on dark times is a valuable one. Thanks for sharing your positive belief in humanity, it's a wonderful reminder. Rev. Warnock was very eloquent in a recent interview about how he/they kept doing the work, and how John Lewis got himself to keep stepping forward regardless of what faced him on the other side of the Edmund Pettis bridge.
hugs
Hops
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Amber:
B arrives Friday. YAY.
Right?
I forget if you gave details or dates for surgery.... is he coming in for surgery? Is that next week?
Hops: I've felt powerful shifts too...... inner work can chage EVERYTHING and make it something new and uplifting..... process it OUT of our limbic systems.....make it right and put it away... put it down for good...... just amazing. I don't remember you sharing that story about your mother and feeling the pressure on your shoulders, but I'm so glad to read it now. Thank you for sharing that.
Lighter
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You're welcome, Light.
It wasn't my mother, but my own inner child I "met" that day.
I literally bent down and looked into my own 5 y/o face, saw the soft brown curls of her hair, saw my own hazel child-eyes looking into mine, knew the shape of my own face, saw and felt my child-self's deep sadness and loneliness. I was adult me in the moment, bending down in her cheery yellow room, looking into "her" face. Then I said that heartfelt apology and promise, and that's when she reached up and put her arms around my neck.
For one second I physically felt her soft arms rest on my shoulders. That touch brought me "back to" where I was sitting on my LR couch. To the present. Changed forever by how real she was/is.
I need to remember that moment, feel my gratitude for that event, and acknowledge and be tender toward her, much more intentionally and often. If I ever think I have no guiding light, I do -- she's it. She was completely pure, innocent, and open and she deserves/d all the care and protection she needs, forever.
hugs
Hops
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Yes Lighter, next Friday morning he's scheduled for surgery. FINALLY! :D
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On calendar. Woo-woo good vibes to you and B on Friday.
The surgery, if I followed, is implanting a new/different internal pain pump thingie?
(Oh please describe it in ways a Hops-brain can visualize...)
Echo YAYYYYYYYYYY!
hugs
HOps
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Ahhh, makes sense, Hops and thanks for clearing that up. So powerful.
Amber, I'll be sending pink light and prayers for the best possible outcome next week and beyond. I hope this new doc is comperent, on their best game and cares about every patient..... Friday morning, it is.
Lighter
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Yes Hops, he'll be getting a new pain pump Friday. We like the docs; but the office staff and gov insurance maze are less than competent/responsive.
It's a relatively small device and drips morphine into the spinal column thru a tiny catheter to the CNS. Nowadays, rate of delivery and all that is digitally controlled, including fill schedules/alerts/etc. Going to play it by ear, but to keep him from going stir crazy, I think we're going to try some day trips. Lots of things close he hasn't seen yet. Moving around, walking, will be better for him. And if I can't keep his mind occupied, he'll go do stuff he shouldn't be doing and make another problem.
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Bionic B!
Woo hoo.
And ain't he responsible for occupying his own dear mind?
I'm excited he's having this procedure and all fingers and toes are crossed that it brings him serious relief. Absolutely unbelievable that he had to go through torture for SO long before the way was cleared for what he needed.
hugs
Hops
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How's it going, Amber?
What has to happen leading up to surgery?
Does B have to sign a POA or something, just in case something doesn't go well? DO you have decision making power while he's not capable of making deicisions?
You, as always, don't have to answer, but I've been through enough of these rodeos to understand an inch of proactivity can save one from miles of red tape and frutrating trouble best avoided.
Lighter
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Well, so far so good Lighter. Yesterday was a couple of tests the surgeon wanted; those were local. We were able to accomodate the change in location for the surgery... thanks to Hol's availability to drive. While it was upsetting to process that change at the last minute practically speaking, we did it. So, there's a few things to keep us occupied till we have to sleep early, to be awake at the crack o' dawn to join the commuter rush hour Friday morning. Hol is the "wheelman" any time there is city driving to be done - because my old irrational fear of getting lost is BASED on getting lost in cities. Drop me out in the wilderness and I'll find my way home, every time.
Going to plant some bluebells Buck brought - out in the woods, pot enough aloe to start an aloe farm, plant the flowers & herbs I have started and maybe weed my kitchen bed. Danged deer ate the flowers off my valerian! The stalk was 4 ft tall.
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Plant away, my dear and remember you can't control everything. You're the sky.... the location shifts, the driving and the deer munching your valerian flowers are the clouds and storms.
Maybe consider getting a hotel room Thursday night, so you're near the surgery center, to take some of the stress out of this?
I'm glad Hol is available to help: )
Lighter
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So, our driver bailed on us, due to an objection from S. So we're leaving today and spending the night on the VA side of the Potomac. That way, no worries about rush hour traffic in the morning; we'll only be a few miles from the surgi-center. Much to put in order this morning, so I'll leave it there for now.
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That's smart, Amber.
I believe you'll be just fine.
Take your time, breathe, and stop often as you feel like to reassure yourself you're on track.
Anyway, you don't need my advice -- GOOD LUCK, BUCK!
hugs and comfort--
Hops
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Oh, dear.... S scuttled Hol's offer to drive you guys?
Sounds irrational and unreasonable..... a tad ungenerous, but what do I know?
I know you're going to handle this beautifully, problem solve proactively and do your best to keep B calm, safe and well cared for.
Please thank B for his service and tell him we're hoping for the best possible outcome..... his pain levels reduced, a more normal life restored.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter. Traffic was horrible yesterday, hotel decent & clean, and neither of us slept well - tho I slept long. We are early; way early - LOLOL. We had to go out in search of coffee.
I don't give 2 rat's patooties for S's concerns or druthers. I know Hol felt bad about not driving - but honestly, after seeing how bad traffic was we'd all have been nervous wrecks. It took us 1/2 an hour to go 1.5 miles getting off the highway.
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What time's B's procedure?
Will send pink light tsunamis...
(Even if you don't see this in time to say.)
hugs
Hops
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I hope you found good coffee, comfort in being way early and relief about letting Hol off the hook with regard to her offer to do the driving.
We're here, thinking about you guys.... waiting to hear news with prayer and positive thoughts.
Lighter
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You OK, Amber:
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ALL IS WELL!!
Surgery was fast, accurate & the best result (so far) we could hope for. He's doing good. I've fed him good. Follow up is Wed. And then they turn the pump on, if things are still good. He's got an initial shot that he's riding right now. Moving much better. No glitches or hiccups, and I got plenty of kindness too from the staff.
We're both very happy. We're "home" and Hol has company that we enjoy and will spend time with tomorrow. Last night was a bit rough - but I knew it was coming and accomplished what I set out to do. He has his own demons & ghosts. But he's also happy with the results so far.
It is indescribable what a relief this is. We've worked together a year, to make this happen. Traffic was abominable - but I wasn't hollaring "uncle". He's never had anyone with him before. We are happy!!!!! We know life is still hard, but this is an accomplishment we need to celebrate. It's one less thing - hopefully.
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Home, by gosh that was fast.
I'm smiling ear to ear things went well. Long overdue.
You're surfing real good, Amber.
Lighter
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I'd respond but the top 2/3 of my head has fallen off because I wasn't smiling ear to ear but all the way around my skull and it worked like a zipper separating so I've got to feel my way through the house to find the top part and stick it back on with peanut butter and then go sit in the sun so it'll set.
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Well, the painkiller wore off about 3 am. It hurts - from the surgery - but his back doesn't hurt yet. He just has to stay "quiet" (for him) until Wednesday.
We're both kinda wrung out tired. But ultimately, I do believe this is going to be worth it. This med group specializes in pain management and spinal care. And comparing the past surgeries, these docs have made smaller incisions and patched him up cleaner; did less additional trauma to surrounding tissue.
Other than knowing he's got a new pump (this one is named Josey) and he has stitches or staples... he's no worse for wear.
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::still crossing fingers and toes::
That's all good to read, Amber.
I'll not jinx anything with upbeat banter.... just glad to hear so far, so good.
Lighter
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Naw... I wouldn't worry about jinxing anything. Even if there are billing issues later - we'll deal with it.
Day 2 after surgery:
He is sleeping pretty well. Not pushing too hard to get back at it, at his normal kick-ass pace. We've kept him busy enough to keep his mind from drifting back into old neural pathways. And he is expressing his amazement that things are going better this time, than any other before. Lots of things helping. Incisions are smaller, less bruising than previously. Pain in his back is only now starting to make a return engagement - but it's only 2 1/2 more days till the pump gets programmed (on a controller in B's hands) so when he does something aggravating to the injuries - he can boost the dose within parameters.
I finally hit the wall last night & fell asleep on the couch early after realizing I needed to get us a room (and website wouldn't work), driving there - being uncomfortable on so many levels in the city, the search for what turned out to be the elixer of life in a coffee cup the next morning, flawless surgery & the run as if chased by the devil on the way back home. And it's HOT again.
But we're still tired & will entertain ourselves for a bit today. I can piddle around the house too. Have a very easy job for B.
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That's as good an update as updates get, IME, Amber.
Flawless surgery is EVERYTHING... it's enough.
Lighter
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How you guys doing, Amber?
Everyrhing still OK?
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Doin' about as good as one could expect Lighter.
Today, is the followup appt so fingers crossed he goes fully pain managed today. We've been making do, with what has come up. It's been over a year since he's had either piece of the system implanted and it takes a little getting used to. But he's been sleeping really well.
I'm good. I'm starting to let him do some light stuff again since he's going stir crazy. I've gotta get moving now. More later.
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OK!!!! his preliminary (very minimal) drip has been turned on. We go back in 2 weeks for a rate adjustment, if needed - then the parameters on his controller will be set and he doesn't go back till September for a pump fill. I'm hoping then, they also get us set up with home infusion for future fills.
This was the goal of this trip, and now, I can focus on getting his incisions to heal up. The back one looks real good; front one where the pump is needs some air and more time.
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What an incredible relief it must be for you both, Amber.
How is Buck responding to periods without excruciating pain?
I so hope you see signs of bloom.
Bless him and bless you too.
What a loooooooong endurance saga, you've both hung in.
hugs
Hops
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I guess there are worse things than having to drive to get the pain pump refilled.
I do hope the pump can be filled closer to home, but that's small potatoes IF the incisions heal, the pump restors B's life and the paperwork goes smoothly.
It's a miracle B's at this point, honestly.
How does airing out the front incision work, Amber? CanB work with his shirt unbottoned out of doors?
Lighter
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He's not shy about hanging out or working without a shirt. And there's no one out here to object. And it's bloody HOT again. Today he's going to load some stadium lights on my trailer so we can deliver them to a nearby farm that holds special events. He brought them to go in the shop - and he changed his mind about lighting, so we ended up with hanging, plug in LED shop lights. These will donated to a good cause.
Got his first shower last night so it was time for fresh bandages anyway. Back incision is small and almost completely healed up already. Bandaid is all it needs. Big bandaid. ;) Front incision about 4.5 inches long and a 4x4 gauze pad and waterproof seal handles that pretty well. The stitches are self dissolving and the sewing is a work of art. No leaks so far. So after the shower he goes shirtless to let everything completely air dry and air out.
I have a betadine salve and a colloidal silver wound spray (both antibacterial) to boost healing.
It's 24 hrs since the first level of dose - less than 1 thousandths of a milligram - was turned on, on the pump. I can tell he's moving easier and he's been able to do things that hurt just a week ago (surgery was last Friday). He's going for a walk and will disassemble and load and tie down the lights today. As long as he doesn't do a lot heavy lifting and working in awkward positions for another week - I think he'll be fine.
He's even noticing the difference between this surgeon's work and the previous "butcher"; and he was treated well by the med staff too. Hol has been hovering somewhat and going out of her way to help. She's a tad "over" helpful - but the two of them do get along way better than I feared. S has been working a lot - so she's been trying to find useful things to do around here.
Both of us have our peculiar habits or ways of doing things - but there's been plenty of "space" for each of us to be who we are. So while the anxiety over the surgery was high, we're just about right and cozy with each other. It will be a new experience for both of us - when he's more pain-free. It's really been EASY to be around him. It is going to require a firm counter to his tendency to overwork himself - but there is plenty to be done around here all the time and since he likes to work in the heat (and I can't) we can find a happy medium.
We took a drive yesterday looking for Ice Mountain - the only arboreal forest south of Canada - and maybe because the road was so challenging and it was new for both of us - we didn't find it. But he got to see another section of the county and walk around the grocery with me. Maybe over the weekend, I'll take him the other direction and show him the house I built with Ex #2. There's a farm market or two I want to check out in that area - local, grassfed meats and other produce. And I definitely want to take him to the valley where the little cabin is, I used to own, when he's more able to scramble over streams and rocks. He likes to hunt fossils and that seems to be "the land that time forgot". We also make that a "loop" drive and catch the ski area to the west and Mount Storm and some of western MD, on the way back.
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Wonderful. Physical healing going right, not traumatic.
Wonderful. Y'all feeling/discovering a good groove together.
WONDERFUL. The thought of you two exploring, going out together, learning the area as a pair.
*BFS here.
hugs
Hops
(*Big Effing Smile)
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Amber:
Sounds like healing is really going well. I can't say I understand the front and back incisions.... did they go through B's entire body to perform this surgery? In any case... so glad B feels the difference and believes the surgery went well this time. Keep focusing on the positive strides and build momentum. The butcher is gone and in the past.... that's over.
It sounds like you guys made a good decision on the lights. Everyone wins there.
I'm puzzled by Hol hovering after she pulled out of helping after offering...... S complicates matters,. I know. I'm sure it's odd for Hol too.
I love the idea of seeking out arboreal forests and fossils. It seems you and B will be running around grinning with bugs in your teeth soon. I'll keep looking for positive upates and reserve my WHOO HOO till the stitches are dissolved, perhaps: )
Lighter
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LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
He's going to have to just turn me loose on the Ducati; I don't ride double. :D I haven't heard it fire up yet; and I fully expect the old lust for that deep throated growl will hook me, once again.
Go figure! the next followup appt (expecting a slight step up on painkiller drip rate) is on the day of the full double Buck moon. More than one of us will be yelling woohoo.....
All in all, it's a good Independence Day weekend around here. No big shindigs... just enjoying summer & ourselves.
I don't have the bandwidth to entertain Hol's issues - I know she has the tools to sort it out herself, and I am sympathetic but not letting myself engage much further. Not my monkeys. Most I'll do is dig out the name & phone number for my T - if she's still practicing and still in the area.
Got woke up this morning, from a txt from my brother - my mom is now in assisted care for rehab from a couple of minor strokes and in full kidney failure. She won't stay awake long enough for dialysis and has stopped eating. They're asking him to change her revival "code" to just let her go peacefully in her sleep. I think he's OK with that; he sounded really solid when I talked to him. NO; I'm not in a place to make a fast roadtrip up there, even tho Buck could drive part of the way. But since she doesn't really know who I am, at this point... it's a kindness to everyone for me to stand down and wait this out from a distance. Then the real work will begin on the hoarder's stash.
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I'm sorry, Amber. And hope she passes in peace.
I'm also sorry she wasn't the mother you deserved.
I'm glad you've found peace and balance around it and
understand why you're not going to say goodbye. You'll
do that in your own way.
Hoarder stash. Ooof.
hugs
Hops
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Whew boy, you have a lot on your plate, Amber.
I remain in awed by your indomitable spirit. You've navigated rough waters and risen above trauma....particularly with your mother and childhood.
I feel as though I'm watching you fly over mountains to embrace blue sky...along with it's clouds and storms and winds....... seeking out joy and modeling great and good discernment...what's yours....what's not.
Hol hasn't processed her trauma. Yet, If you could do it for her, I'm sure you would have, but you can't and you know it in your bones.....
now.
I have no advice for dealing with your mother's passing. You know what's right for you. How amazing to trust yourself and your intuition.
Yes.
Lighter
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It seems my life isn't meant to have any quiet, open space, downtime. Maybe at some point I decided to ask the universe to fill my life with "one thing after another". And that wish was granted, in spades! ;)
Whatever. My man is doing the hard work of healing, by sleeping longer and more hours than he has in most of the years and years I've known him. The back incision is healed enough that I didn't bandage it last night. Bandages itch in this heat & humidity. (That's the access doc used to run catheter lines into the spinal column, Lighter.) The front incision looks WAAAAY better, sooner, than his previous ones. That's where the pump is. And yes, the outline of the device is slightly discernable - B hasn't been able to put on much weight/inches since the doc suggested it would help the implant heal in better. He just doesn't sit still long enough.
I need to keep him focused on light-duty tasks as much as I can and maybe get him out walking some to keep his strength up. All the surrounding physical systems as he adjusts to the absence of the majority of the back pain. Keep his mind busy, too. He brought things to do that are very low physical demand... but he's not that bad off.
I guess I need to revive my current track of "things" to do and let him start defining his own day again, since I did "win" a full week of non-physical activity compliance from him. We have things to plant; aloe to pot; I may need more potting soil. I have a pair of moccasins to make and purse to repair. (Snap buckle failed.) It looks to be a kinda rainy weekend and I do have a list of "Buck jobs" to do... little things that won't require a lot of heavy lifting. Next week, we have lights to hang in the shop and stuff to move from barn to there - which means I can move my seed starting stuff back to barn.
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Maybe B can learn leatherwork from Hol.
Maybe you can teach him to knit.
Maybe he can take more responsibility to be mindful his body....
Sounds like you do have good reason to be tired and yearning
for some you-time, Amber. Hope you can soon claim it so you
don't burn out.
You could feed him deep-fried everything, though. (Joke!)
hugs
Hops
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Maybe B can learn leatherwork from Hol.
She's a novice; he can teach HER.
Maybe you can teach him to knit.
I never learned to knit.
Maybe he can take more responsibility to be mindful his body....
Yes; No - the man requires adult supervision because he reacts with 20 yr old brain in 65 yr old body. :D
Just because I'm pretty busy, doesn't mean I'm tired. B & I do get downtime - sometimes together; sometimes separately. Nothing I'm doing feels like "work". This weekend, anyway. His energy energizes me - by osmosis, maybe. Everything is REALLY GOOD right now for me - as it should be in the real world. So, nothing negative should be implied in the fact that I've never really had much "slow, downtime" in my life. Just that one stretch after I moved.
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Got it. No distortion, no drama.
It sounds fantastic that his energy energizes you.
Lovely -- lovely and wonderful!
SO happy you're feeling so happy, Miz A.
You were patient for this and it's a joy to think of you two now.
hugs
Hops
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Happy Independence Day!
Yeah, I know the country (and world) has lots of problems. But, that's always been the case, n'est-ce pas? It's kinda nice to spend time contemplating all the things that are right with the world for a change. It mingles nicely with one's gratitude list.
Independence is something I've been contemplating for awhile. And I think I've come to the conclusion this is an often-overlooked "state of mind & being" in the pantheon of characteristics of a healthy person. Not anarchy, mind you - because true independence includes a recognition and acceptance of the responsibility for the requisite consequences of not conforming. If one is "as young as they feel", then why not cultivate being as free as one wants to be? (Within the limits of the social contract, of course. Do no harm, is still an important principle in Independence.)
Anyway - just some random pondering & musing for the day before this week's "Monday".
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Yodelayyheehooooo!
How are things across the valley, Mz Amber?
Thinking of you and Buck, fingers and toes crossed.
hugs
Hops
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We're fine as frog's hair Hops!
Having a blast & he's started working his way back into working again.
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Happy dance!
Yay,
Hops
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Finally....
Yes.
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So, last week the skilled nursing facility took Mom's lab results again and her kidney function has dropped significantly. Mom nixed dialysis, went it was first suggested. But the care team was suggesting she be moved into hospice. That's prompted quite a few conversation with Bro. He's the health POA.
[So, like many geriatric patients - she has multiple issues. Type 2 diabetes, HBP, a 90% blockage in the carotid and has had 2 minor-ish strokes. She's sleeping a LOT and is unresponsive, except to Bro.]
Fortunately, even on a sensitive topic like this our communication has improved a lot in the past couple years. We decided it would be good to ask mom again - if she wanted to take a chance that dialysis could help her (she's been TRYING to do the therapy to recover strength/dexterity from the strokes). She hasn't given up the will to live yet, per the Bro. He's had to fight multiple doc's "expert opinion" that it would be too risky to try it. And I took the position that ANY chance was better to try, than just resigning yourself to the indignities of a kidney failure death. But that ultimately it was his call.
I've been in daily talks with him, providing support and lending my way of thinking through situations. Letting him vent, and just ramble out his thoughts & feelings on the matter. There isn't any point in me trying to talk to my mom - and I don't really WANT to. When I initially let you guys know about this decline in her health, I explained that I had anticipated the whole smorgasbord of complex emotions to bubble up for me. And this has been the case, but fortunately it's mostly been just one feeling at a time. Nothing overwhelming, but it has definitely been stressful, emotionally, for me.
I'm getting "time off" from it, too. B's been lovely to be with now that his pain levels are managed better. And we're happy just being in the same room or off doing things on our own for hours at a time. My role is less about monitoring his pain and trying to find him some relief or comfort no matter how temporary or effective. Which is opening new doors. He's definitely a keeper.
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People are so different, and there's no perfect choice in end of life situations.
For me, a kidney failure process would be just fine, especially if I'd already become mostly unresponsive. But I don't care about dignity, just comfort and pain relief. I'd rather be on my way out than try heroic things to extend my time, particularly if doctors are advising against it living on may doom me to new strokes or more decline. Your mom may be an instinctive fighter or maybe not pursing dialysis would be a relief. You and your Bro know her best.
Sounds like she hasn't left a clear Advanced Medical Directive to ease him! Dang.
Comes a time when treatment can be torture and personally, I'd pass. But that may not be true for your mother at all or suited to her personality.
Hope you and Bro weather it all well and that when the next step comes, she'll get through it peacefully, whatever it is.
Must be hard hearing these updates and feeling some confrontation with the past, (((((Amber)))))). I hope Bro can decide and trust himself with whichever way he goes. Maybe it will be good for him to embrace the trust he's been given and feel confident in his own reasoning. It's just not possible to make everyone in a family have the same opinions, and impending death is such a stress.
On the happy note, it's just a joy to hear about you and B living life at last, together. After all the time and struggle and all B's pain and your deep patience, it seem almost unbelievable that it's finally come to pass. SO glad for you both.
hugs
Hops
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Obviously - I don't know how my mom REALLY feels about this part of life, given the LC I created & maintained and her increasing mental fog. Only what she's said to me over the years and what I've observed, separately. And I have my own preferences.
I understand many medical procedures are suffering-inducing and no guarantee of a resultant "quality of life" worth (IMO) living. Others may have different ideas about those qualities. That was why I suggested he ask her what she was willing to go through to not die (it's inevitable anyway) within a month. Bro has been doing fine with the responsibility of decision. He sees both sides in the matter and hasn't been trying to delegate the decision. Just keeping me in the loop and asking me to help fill in blanks in what he thinks he knows. So, I've been supporting him, as best I can. It's a rare opportunity for us to revisit old parts of us (individually and as sibs) as openly and vulnerable as people are in this situation. That's going pretty well.
My mom - as far as I know - has been a complex mess of self-sabotaging bad habits (minus the "vices"), emotional conflicts/issues than she's tried to assuage with those habits, distrust of traditional western medicine -- and demanding of the same docs that they "fix" her. The idea that perhaps she could fix herself simply didn't exist in her understanding of life & the world. It's been her innate strength that's helped her endure so long, as her habits combined with genetic predisposition to the chronic physical ailments. Whether any acceptance, letting go or fight exists in her... is outside my experience of her.
I have always had some hope, that she would be able to breakthrough her life-long gamesmanship/covert manipulation tactics and just be real (not even my "imaginary" mom). She made some baby-steps toward that before she started forgetting how to use her phone and what my name was. I've said what I needed to say to her over the years. I am comfortable letting her go and have no agenda surrounding her death. I have some sadness that it wasn't important to her to create a real relationship with me. But that is, what it is and I'm used to that nugget of reality. Other people don't quite understand this bit about me - and it doesn't bother me. It wouldn't give her any comfort or permissions or anything for me to try to "help" now.
Bro is processing his emotions within the experience of his decisions and responsibility. Doing pretty well at both too. So, he's not "needy" about my support; he's pretty clear about expressing himself and whatever connection still exists between us seems to be making up for the things one or the other of us aren't all that good at. So except for the frequency of communication between us, this is going about as peacefully as anyone could hope for.
Dialysis started yesterday; doc sez it'll be a week or even a month before any significant changes will occur. But given how the toxins will amplify all her other issues, I think the brain fog will be the first noticeable difference - IF it's not too late for this to help. It very well could be; Bro and I talked about that potential for this to be an exercise in futility and unnecessary intervention. So we're in wait & see mode now.
On the stroke side of things, I have some suggestions that helped Jean out a lot, that could be just the thing for my mom to re-engage with her own "agency". IF she can stay awake for longer periods of time.
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No news is good news, right? We've been a little busy with to-do lists - or well, B has since he's healing up well and the pump is doing what it's supposed to, easing the constant pain. The heat has me retreating indoors worrying how much the a/c is going to jack up my power bill.
Hol isn't working much right now; S will be gone for 5 weeks on a major high-profile job. She is remaking a work apron for a friend and finishing up some sewing projects in her cave of a basement where it's cooler. She's holding down the fort. She's going to help B out with a few things.
I'm just being a domestic goddess, enjoying the break from stressful things; worry; and thinking about solutions for the next phase of B's move-in. Which is the final one... and so space needs to be reorganized, function & purpose considered, etc. I have a few minor leather projects I can work on... and feel a pattern-buying spree starting to bubble up. I have 20-30 yr old fabric in my "stash"... so I need to think about rotating that fabric out for newer stuff.
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It sounds like busy PEACE.
Loved this, Amber.
Enjoyyyyyyyyyyy....
Cooling breezes,
Hops
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I would love to see pics of that 30 year old fabric and what yu do with it, Amber.
Always great to read B continues to heal with greatly reduced pain levels. YES!
Lighter
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Still no great "breaking news" around here. Which I suppose is a good thing. No plans yet for that old fabric Lighter. B is still here; he's had weekly follow up appts. to adjust the dosage on the painkiller delivery and a mild reaction (infection) to the surgery. The first pump fill is scheduled for early Sept, so he doesn't want to drive back to his house, only to turn around a week later and drive "home". It's been a month and this pump looks to be staying in place. Incisions are healed well and we think he's on his final adjustment for his normal pain levels. He's sleeping MUCH better, I can tell already. And longer; less restless.
So, there is plenty to do around here for B. He's just finishing repairing & getting Helga ready to get inspected. Hopefully she passes this time, 'coz the Almanac is predicting one of the East Coast's more "normal" winters. Hol's old 70's road warrior doesn't do well in snow.... and it too died on a grocery run last week. Much more minor problem, B thinks - delayed maintenance on Hol's part and she will assist so she learns how. S isn't around much this whole month so she's home holding down the fort.
Rudi needs brake pads and spacers to keep the big wheels from rubbing; my normal jeep still needs a sensor & an oil change. I just realized the jeep is gonna be 10 years old next year (and still has less than 50k miles on it) and Rudi is going on 20.
We found an actual shoe repair shop "over the mountain" and B had two old pairs of his favorite boots resoled. He's a very happy boy! I may try to clean up my rockies to take over there and see if they can be saved. They're 30 years old and have hiked the canyons out west and hand dug several gardens. Nothing new feels the same as well-broken in boots.
I'm trying to convince Hol that she doesn't have to be stopped cold on her landscaping projects & greenhouse, just because S isn't here to help. We can help her. I know she wants S's participation but she is also understanding that, in the name of progress (and the usual household domino phenomenon) that compromises have to be made. We'll see what she comes up with for a decision.
Trying to find a way to give raises to shop employees, the end of this year and raise the dividends a little (to cover the obscene taxes) at the same time. Social Security shorted B a month's payment over some clerical error too... so his budget is tight right now too.
I've heard nothing else from the roofer and last time we talked, he pushed my job to Sept because he's so busy. All because he didn't remember I had picked a color for the steel. :rolleyes: Getting chimneys cleaned next week so Gabe doesn't have to work on a hot metal roof. And wood splitting/stacking is on the list for the next couple months. I've got to go pick tomatos this morning before the big garden gets ripe - I'm trying a new heirloom variety: Siberian. They're a bit smaller than a normal salad tomato but way earlier. Taste test comes later.
B and I are getting lots of time together... and it's very FUN. We're working out the usual old people quirks - the idiosyncrasies of how we do things - now. And that's going well. We're not so stuck in our ways we can't adapt. And MOST of the time, I still have plenty of covers at night! ;)
No news this week on my mom. Bro has been fighting for dialysis to continue and that she be allowed more time to sleep/recover from the strokes. Docs want to move her to hospice. I've said my say and have tried to give him someone to bounce ideas/feelings off of and support him. I felt like I needed to put at least one thing down for a bit - and it was this, for this week. My guy in charge at the shop, is going in for back surgery next week and will be off for a couple weeks - and soon to transition to part-time. His replacement has been managing just fine on his own for a bit, so chances are there's a road trip in my near term future. Meet the new bookkeeper and start working on relationship with guy who'll move up. Can't say I'm really looking forward to that drive - but if I take B with me, we'll do a little sightseeing along the way. Before the snow flies, maybe.
New kitty has settled in with the other boys to become part of my pack of guard cats. They've been terrorizing the moth population out in the yard... LOLOL. Stinks still has the most impressive jump but his belly is very round now since B spoils all three with treats.
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You sound on top of things and up to your tasks, Amber. It seems your business came through and is chugging along. That's really good news.
I'm glad B is healing well..... getting the pump up and running, finally. He deserves that relief, if anyone does.
Your dream of farming...... of sun warmed tomatoes in the field...... it;s been fun to watch you build the reality wtih Hol, S and B. Loo
I'm looking forward to more updates and hope your mother is comfortable, whatever she chooses to do.
Lighter
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I always hear responsibility coming from your posts, Amber. And such competence.
It's a lot, and it's remarkable. The thing that seems so much more important than what you do, list wise, is how much you enjoy it. There's a lovely savoring in getting things done.
I couldn't even call you a role model as you're an olympic Zamboni compared to an old-school ice cube tray.
I'm pretty sure the above was incoherent, but you'll get whatever's worth getting, I know.
Just so pleased to hear the B-notes coming through to the top line. Joy in the morning!
hugs
Hops
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A zamboni, eh? They are pretty cool machines in action. First time I've had that applied to me though! LOLOLOLOL
You might lean more toward the ice cube tray end of the spectrum though, if you tried to find my tomatos in the big garden. The weeds are almost waist high again, with all this rain. B has been keeping me busy with running for parts to fix vehicles, using the ranger to get around - and we've been running to town a lot for his appts. Hol has needed regular mommy-attention with S gone so much; he won't be home until very late tonight - and tomorrow leaves again. Her abandonment issues are starting to conflict with her independent, responsible & competent streak... and I'm her closest opportunity to sit & chat with. I think she's going to go visit an old friend and swim next weekend tho.
I much prefer B's company to hers. He is so easy & fun to be around - and almost anything said between Hol & I can trigger a reaction in one or the other. I know we're spending too much unstructured time together but I don't see that being fixable. Maybe I can suggest a collaborative project to her; keep her mind off ruminating so much she becomes a whistling rattling teakettle.
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OH... and B & I are moving into a new phase of planning; getting ready for his big move things need to be better organized around here. It helps he's as OCD about organization as I am (though in practice and during work - he makes a squirrel's nest of mess).
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If I could speak to Hol.....
I'd tell her what I'm trying to tell my girls, Amber.
"It's OK to feel the pain and face the suffering..... it won't kill you, though it feels as thought it might."
Mom can't fix this for you. It's inside you and it's something you have to fix yourself now. You CAN fix this yourself. I trust you can and believe in you.
My girls are stumbling through a very uncomfortable path...... I trained stoicism into their little Nervous Systems and as I loosen suffering's hold on me, my deaprture from stoicism alarms them. They don't know what to do with it.... yet. They will.
Learning to replace stocism is a very whonky unpretty thing, IME. Toes can't point and there';s no sucking it in, emotionally.... it's ugly and traumatic but it's how trauma gets tended to, IME.
We all deserve to tend to be tended to, as does our pain, IME.
More about that on one of my threads; )
Lighter
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Stoic, she is NOT. Hence the need for almost regularly constant social interaction. She hasn't quite made friends with herself yet.
But she IS trying all on her own; I'm just the resorted to "last resort" when she's sick of arguing with herself about herself. Some of it is menopausal hormones, for sure. But there's a lot more than that going on.
Eh, it is what it is. She looks to be busier this week, or at least more of it. Which means I'm left alone.
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I hear you, Amber. Hol's distress comes out all over the place,. but it seems to me it's just symptoms she's stressing over.
You steady her and she goes on the way she goes.....
Hol can hang on to the edge longer,. bc she strong and bc you're steadying her grip.
At some point, dropping off the edge..... maybe being allowed to drop off the edge to really FEEL whatever the root cause is leads to healing and growth and emotional freedom.
One of my girls is really going through some tough times and it was coming out of sideways and all over the place...mostly aimed at me, but it wasn't about me. It's about her and she was just unsing me as a distraction..... there was some drama, btw.
But the hard nut of her original trauma was something she was holding on to with perseverence and great strength. She's recently relented and somthing cracked and it poured out with immense relief and it was so so so hard to get there.
Part of getting there was my dealing with her distress better.... just letting it be....not propping her up...... not allowing her to make it about me or anything else, really. Just redireting her back to herself withi compassion and making it clear she was going to be the one to fix her stuff.
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I think both of you mothers have done an extraordinary job of learning not to fix it, with your Ds. All the more remarkable because they live with you as adults.
It's impressive. When they do fully settle into autonomy, they're going to be stronger dealing with their stuff. That's for sure. Or will find other people to trust and to help. I admire you both for being able to witness when asked without joining. Huge.
What a gift.
hugs,
Hops
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(((Hops)))
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Amber, was B exposed to toxins during his service?
Doesn't sound as though his line of work would've done that.
But I was hoping that some provisions/improvements in the burn pits legislation would somehow trickle to all injured vets, and thought of all B's been through. Haven't read the fine print.
So happy y'all are together on the mountain. And envious of your cooler temp (I think?) and all the nature that surrounds you.
Enjoyyyyyyy...
hugs
Hops
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Very likely Hops. He was a diver and has assisted in all kinds of underwater salvage & rescues for local law enforcement and after storms; mechanical work too - even on heavy equipment.
But when you sign up with the military, they assume absoutely NADA responsibiity for any physical issues you might encounter or incur along the way. In reality. It's only because of laws, that the VA even pretends to help... and their execution oftentimes is less than professional. Especially considering how long (or repeatedly) these soldiers were facing inhuman trauma and life/death situations. So, there's psychological wear & tear to consider also. Thus, it's always been, throughout history - when they weren't killed directly in battle.
I don't have any realistic hope that any funding will actually benefit actual vets healthcare; it'll disappear into the admin/bureaucracy never to be seen again -- so that they can ask for the same budget the next year, in the standard "use it or lose it" scenario that exists all thru government agencies. And the only result will be more hoops to jump thru to obtain care & constant monitoring for vets.
That said, he's experienced this for so long it's normalized for him. He knows how it works, and is a stickler for following the rules. The new doc and this organization are a major improvement. This is "new"; takes some getting used to for him. It's so easy to expect the same negative care & results. Those old neural pathways ya know? Expectations delivering results.
It's been a month. Incision has healed up well in that time - and he HAS been able to work with the level of pain relief he's getting now, which is microscopic almost. It's enough for the affected nerves. Only issue keeping him from going back to finish the purge & packing is a slight infection; that was treated immediately and competently. B's mind does worry over that alot given prior experience. I do what I can to help him sort out fear of repetition from actual fact.
Overall it's going well Hops. Just putting one foot in front of the other and figuring things out; brainstorming ideas, and just playing around. :D
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So, the studio work.
The last of Hol's things have been moved. I've been scrubbing the floor, moving items, deep cleaning & designing in my head. Trying to get a feel for functional arrangement of flat surfaces. And looking at all my gack displayed on shelves - wishing it would just all go away. Like oil painting crap. Oils are tedious, touchy, and one has to wait for them to dry before proceeding. Most of my images are personal & therapeutic for ME - and I'm seldom that distraught anymore to bother with the lovely, expressive "get the composition on quickly with passion" phase. One canvas in 30 years? Hmmmmmmm. Perhaps it's not worth it keeping all that around.
Like my old etching zinc plates; poundage there. I don't have a press (studio floor wouldn't hold it anyway). And the ventilation requirements far exceed the building's design. Before moving to the beach, I invested in a nice watercolor taboret. Even back then, the last time I thought I had time/interest in making art... I was extremely tentative exploring that medium. And ended up back with my paper & pencils; occasionally pastels. Which felt pretty good. And I have done quite a bit in that medium; even lately I finished a portrait of Mike.
A lot of Hol's friends are artists. And one thing I've noticed about that generation is that it's almost more important that they IDENTIFY as an artist -- as make art. There is one exception; the former photog who's been making collages of disposed cigaratte paper/filters. He's been regularly producing pieces, albeit it may also be a form of art therapy for him too. The work/style is evolving, I can say that for him.
As for me, I never made a big deal out of being an artist. The label is almost a stereotype and people regularly told me I wasn't a "normal" artist. LOLOLOLOLOL. You know, raising kids, driving boys to soccer practice, making meals at normal times and paying the bills on time. But I never let the identification go. It was always something I could "fall back on" when I got too old & decrepit to be of much use otherwise. So I saved all those tools. Drug 'em around move after move. And now, I just want them to go away.
It's like armor that's outlived it's usefulness. It's in the way. Of what I don't know yet. Like having long hair down to my butt, that took a long, long time to grow; eats up hours a week taking care of it; creates tension headaches from the weight and is like wearing a wooly mammoth in the heat of summer. It's in the way; not functional; serves no purpose; takes up space. If I keep my watercolors, papers & pencils - I can still make images. Been watching some bookbinding vids too. I learned that one summer before my senior year and made a few books with fancy pull-outs, die-cuts, all handprinted. I have linoleum blocks & tools & inks. Could still print that way.
But the things I know about sewing and needlework seem to be more valuable in the society we're transitioning to. Useful. And it was my first creative medium. And there seems to be rising energy in/around me to just dive in and revive the old studio motto:
I know by going where it is I have to go. (Theodore Rothke)
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LOVE all this thinking, Amber!
And btw, apropos of nothing, I love pastels. Did a wild series of pastel self-portraits when I lived in the attic of the Louisville Courier Journal film critic. She was pals with Ned Beatty. I loved that city.
My guy pals used to come look at them all over the wall and try not to show that they liked the one with bare boobs best.
Identity labels don't matter. Your capacity for human happiness, in whatever personal form, is functioning fine.
hugs
Hops
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Ahhh.... the long hair and art supplies, Amber. So heavy, take up time and space, but they're a part of a person with long hair and an attachment to art supplies... I understand.
As I read your post I thought about your cutting your hair........
and I was envious at the thought you could and I would never shed my own..... hair or art supplies.
The idea of putting away, giving away precious art supplies felt so sad to me...... and my daughters dive into them and use them all the time, so....they're here to stay.
But the hair....the last time I cut mine, was before trial. I guess youngest dd was about 6 or 7yo and she was so angry.
"I had a lot of good memories with that hair, you PUT IT BACK!"
The ttuth is.... shorter hair is a HUGE PITA to deal with.... much more difficult than longer hair I can put up and out of the way in 3 seconds. Shorter hair looks like someone else's hair and I';m completely unnerved every time I see myself in a mirror....... it was a dreadful time and I think it's shaved head, like Tupp, or long hair for me.
I think the moss was my oil painting-like habit...... tedious and time consuming, perhaps not worth keeping it around. Will see.
I'm curious what I'll keep..... things are going to go. I;m just not certain which things.
Lighter
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I'm not either Lighter; not sure what will go and what will stay. It was easier to box up the last of Mike's tools & collections from the studio and relocate them. There are some photos in that category too. My hair is growing out again, just to be able to pull it back and my stylist is on maternity leave.
The outdoor work has two giant obstacles for me. One is heat & humidity; I simply can't acclimate to it. The other is bugs. Noseeums were late this year, and I got nailed back in June; still have red welts on my back. We have a bug zapper on the porch and when I came out a few nights ago collected 20 mosquito bites within the space of 5 minutes. The one welt on my back has B worrying over it and doctoring me, for a change. It's still not serious but it does itch and bother me.
Furniture changes - minor ones - are in order too. And storage management. My pantry plan for part of the garage downstairs hasn't materialized. The studio garage needs a LOT of reorganization and we have a good bit to move from the barn to the shop. Every blessed vehicle needs a day of B attention and parts. B is cutting down dead trees for firewood and Virginia pines (which are invasive here and grow like weeds). The garden needs it's fall makeover after I earth any surviving plants from the waist high weeds. And I need to get my seed starting stuff moved to the barn and order more seeds. And a TON of tree trimming and removing suckers from stumps, etc just landscaping cleanup.
SIGH. I might have to recruit Hol. And she has her own list of important jobs. I guess we'll touch base later today again and see what their schedule looks like again.
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Anybody local who'd welcome some hourly yard work?
hugs
Hops
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Once again, no news is good news.
B's infection is clearing up now. Both my jeeps have been added to the "must repair list" - brakes. Rudi's almost done. All the bobcat needs is some grease - and shelter. Still have a gas tank to weld on the backhoe.
I've got blinds & curtains to put up in the studio. Debbie's coming out for a long weekend away from "crazy". Hol's getting ready to go back to work for a couple weeks; and she's sorting out her differences with S.
We're planning a low-key relaxing weekend. A bit of a road trip, if the Grand Cherokee is done in time - there is a farm I want to check out for grass-fed beef. There are 3-4 sources locally now and the farmer's markets are all over the place on weekends.
B's been cutting/splitting wood for the stoves this winter - and to clear out around the shop. He's in no hurry to go back... LOLOLOL. Which suits me fine. But he'll have to - he keeps needing tools he doesn't have here. LOLOL.
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Just got the call last night - my mom has died.
Bro was set to take her home for hospice today. He's a tad upset about that - but now that it's over, I think the relief will set in. Both Hol & I have been expecting the call for days now. She was less of a fan of my mom than I was. My only regret is that now there isn't any way to resolve our differences. We had said everything that needed saying by the middle of the lockdown... so the only thing left was just accepting the finality of not being able to address those differences.
I kinda don't really feel anything one thing or another; I knew she was dying back in June.
So after the cremation, I guess Bro & I will discuss the hoarders' pile of stuff left behind. We would need a couple of large uhaul trucks to deal with it - and then I'm not sure where it would/should go. Maybe donations for a lot of it. Only thing I know I have dibs on is my step-dad's treadle sewing machine.
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I'm sorry you didn't get more closure and understanding from your mom, ((Amber.))
I found myself feeling all kinds of ways after my mother passed. I found healing I couldn't find while she was still alive, beginning with her memorial service, so maybe resist feeling your time for closure has passed. It might just begin.
About the hoard.... there are companies that haul everything away for you. If you can find one that does it for cheap, maybe cosider them. I bet that sewing machine is smack in the middle of that hoard.
::shaking head::.
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter.
Mostly, I found myself thinking I "should" feel something different than I was feeling. But mostly I just feel free. So I get the healing side of this. Talk about waking up into a new reality, tho! ;)
It's a pretty day here. I have all the makings for a long bonfire (and really, it's due). Buck is a big help with accepting that people are who they are... and we can let go without regret; accepting that things are the way they are.
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I'm sorry, (((((Amber)))))). Not because this is a Greek tragedy, but because no matter how an individual reacts to loss -- it is always individual -- there's an inner child present there somewhere. Hugs and gentle company to her. (I'm glad Buck's with you now. And that your mother's misery is over.)
That child may feel relieved, scared, sad, guilty, confused, liberated, angry, lost, numb or any of these and so many more emotions. It's such a swirl for a while. Individual.
I like Lighter's thought that sometimes more healing and closure happen after a death that could not happen before. Something that occurs to me is that no matter our age when it comes, when our second parent dies -- even or maybe especially a toxic one -- on some biological or metaphysical level, being orphaned is a new identity. Sometimes even when we've looked forward to that freedom, it is still a disorienting feeling. That wears off.
I knew when my Nmom died my main feeling was relief. I had already done most of my grieving for her (what she was and couldn't be) over the course of years. I was also exhausted; so some sorrow, but no tears. Now and then I very briefly miss her, just in a momentary flash when, say, folding something the way she taught me to.
You just do you, wherever your feelings and reflections take you. I know you'll listen to what floats up and you'll be safe with it.
hugs and comfort,
Hops
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I had already done most of my grieving for her (what she was and couldn't be) over the course of years.
Exactly this Hops. After 50 years.
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So, B's pump refill was yesterday. And it was deided that yes, pressing ahead to also replace the stimulator (electrical signal to nerves) would also get done - and the process began yesterday. Insurance approval first; psych eval (which is std protocol), and then schedule surgery. We'd been talking/planning about getting back to finish packing and move the next load - but we have another appt next week to give him some latitude on the pump dose rate, with his own controller.
So, we're kinda shifting gears in our planning process a lot. This new pump and several adjustments have made it possible for him to start living more like a normal person - there's less uncertainty in the morning about whether he's going to have a good day or will be miserable all day. His sleeping patterns are normalizing; less waking in the middle of the night and fewer headaches; fewer serious muscle spasms. Overall his quality of life is improving.
Less chronic pain has contributed to more fun times for us, too. Though it's all homely and just being together fun. We 're really getting to know each other at a deep level. It's all just organic, unstructured, the two us as each of us are... and it's incredibly uncomplex and easy - and FUN. Hol isn't understanding this, at all. Seems she's still working through her pre-ordained pattern of a relationship and the level of her satisfaction and getting her needs met. And I think she's having a relationship with her mental image of who she thinks S is; or what he has the potential to be... instead of realizing that with some efforts on her part, what is would work just fine. And if it still won't - it's within her perogative to end it and move on with her life. Instead of cycling around in questioning, imagination, and her struggle with self-image.
Yeah, she's an overthinker par excellence! It is not in her vocabulary to just be grateful for the many things that are going just fine... and continue doing it the next day and the next. It has to be something ELSE; impressive, spectacular, maybe something that will up her value socially among her peer group. (Because she's seeing it through a negative lens too often.) But she's going to work for a couple of weeks and I'm sure that her life here is going to look a lot better when she gets home.
I'm trying to rebalance how much time I spend with her because she's perfectly capable of working through all this crap in her head by herself. And I want to invest in MY life, too. I think she gets that.
There is less "waiting for the other shoe to drop", now that my Mom has passed. As if I couldn't see how much dread I felt about her next phone call or medical episode. Or how much space in my head she took up. There is more room now. And honestly, I'm hearing less of those nasty judgy self-critical comments too. Which is like breathing crisp fresh air on a fall day...
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How does Too feel about therapy? If you step back, maybe she'll seek out professional advice?
You sound real good, Amber: )
Lighter
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I've been strongly suggesting T for a long time, Lighter. Years. Mostly on her own - but if asked, I would be willing to do a joint session. She is just not a believer in the benefits, for various reasons. It matters not that I've told her that it would take some effort to find someone who is a good match for her. A "guide" to fixing oneself would work best for her, but first she needs convincing that T isn't going to "fix" anything; that's her job once she discovers how she's sabotaging herself.
Anxiety seems to be her nemesis. But then, I was about her age when it hit me like a frieght train too. Her perimenopausal symptoms are tough; hormones very wonky. But, progress is being made anyway. She did actually ASK for some support last night without being overcritical of what was able to be offered.
She is a person who functions best in a busy, demanding, structured environment with a smaller amount of free time. I thrive on unstructured free time - even if I do have to fight my tendency to be lazy.
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I'm really sorry, Amber.
If Hol could open herself to having her own experience in therapy in the nearby city, her whole life could grow more peaceful and focused. She could heal and bloom.
IME, sometimes even the very first "interview for information" appointment she makes could pay off. And if the fit's not quite right, it's just as valuable to talk with a second or third professional. She'll know when it's right.
Sending good vibes to you both. Plus B.
hugs
Hops
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You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
Yes, she knows the value - despite her misgivings - of therapy. She has to seek this on her own or the effort is wasted energy.
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Boy, do I understand the horse story.
My advocacy and urging backfired hugely.
Good luck. Hope Hol wakes up one morning and decides
she is worth it, capable of change, and deserving of peace.
hugs and happy Sunday,
Hops
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No worries Hops. We're all trying to do the best we can with who we are and what we've got to give.
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Ahhh.
I meant that my advocacy/urging about therapy with my own D backfired hugely. Anything I proposed was automatically rejected.
I still believe if she'd been willing to do family counseling with me, we might have found a way through. She went to a couple of appointments: rejected the first therapist and announced her "divorce my mother" plan at the second.
Ah, well. All water over the bridge now.
hugs
Hops
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Yeah, Hol's issues aren't with me, thankfully. Sometimes it sounds that way, but she's actually indulging herself in some role-play rehersing using me as a stand-in. It confuses me sometimes, and others who witness this weird shift she does. But it's all an attempt to alleviate the level of extreme anxiety she's trying to manage/work through.
She isn't a person one would think would have an issue with direct, blunt, confrontation (from her external persona) - but she is. Behind that blustery, you can't push me around mask - she is a softy marshmallow. We've talked about the possibility of trying to get those two sides of herself to play nicer with each other, toward a single objective. She definitely gets it - and I definitely understand it's way harder than it sounds.
She's working this week and next. It's good for us to have some "time off" from each other. And the working is good for her too. She doesn't have time to spend overthinking the least little things right now. So.... we'll see. I have every confidence she'll be able to find her way through the maze she's created in her mind to a practical (for her) resolution. And I am remembering she needs the positive feedback, better.
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Sometimes it feels like people, myself included, resist taking responsibility for choices and self care as others are carrying some of that responsibility, IME.
Responding with the question....
"what are you going to do about that?" is a complete response, IME.
As much as I want to trouble shoot and help serch for solutions.......
I KNOW the best thing I can do with my girls is be present, really HEAR them and trust them to resolve their own issues. I still find it difficult to repeat their words back to them, verbatum. I just do and my head snaps up when my T does it to me. Just not natural, but I realize it serves a purpose.
If I don't believe my girls are grown, capable young women...... why should they?
Please note..... I'm talking to myself here as much as you, Amber or anyone else. I try on "keeping my yap shut" and it's powerful. It's something I'm working on.
Lighter
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Yeah, I do this more & more lighter. She IS working thru it on her own, too. It helps that right now she's away during the week working. Home just on weekends. But there is a noticeable shift about her lately.
MOUSE:
Keep writing your thread! I can see/hear something very important going on in it. To you, of course. I wanted to offer you some encouragement, let you know I believe you are in the process of breaking through what's kept you stuck all this time. That's all; carry on!
Well, we're being kinda lazy this morning. B has been moving some of the tools that have been stored in the barn, into the shop - it's 100% his domain - and I'll move my seed-starting operation up the barn for next spring. I'm finally able to get the last of the plants planted or in the ground now. B is gonna help me dig taters and put the garden to bed for this winter. We have some finishing bobcat work to do around the garage doors of the shop too. I need to plant garlic.
The Siberian tomatoes are about cherry tomato size; dark red - almost purple - and VERY good! My echineacea bloomed for the first time this year; valerian as well - and I have some strange orange flower on a plant I thought was Baikal Skullcap... but looks more like calendula. It's an odd bloom for that tho. I'm going to have to find homes for the 5 pots of aloe B brought soon, and get the hibiscus and bluebells planted.
Then we have a good sized washtub to find a home for.
There is STILL a big pile of wood to split down at the studio but the main thing now is to get his move finished, house sold, and make that break. We started pricing Uhaul trucks and <choke!> I can't believe how much they want to rent them. But then, I haven't rented a car in years... so maybe that was a gradual increase.
Speaking of budgets... I hope everyone's doing OK with food, fuel & utilities so far. This is a good time of year to buy some bulk items, and preserve (can, dehydrate, freeze, etc) them for times of bad weather, or just BEING under the weather. I need to add a couple whole chickens to the freezer... pull out last Christmas's ham... and get busy freezing up small portions of soup. I'm certainly feeling the pinch around here at the grocery store! And I need to start gathering some baking supplies for winter.
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I'm skipping through catching up on stuff Skep, I just wanted to say I was sorry to read of your mum passing - I know it's kind of odd if the relationship hasn't been conventional! I'm glad Buck's medical stuff seems to be moving in the right direction xx
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Thanks Tupp!
I haven't had much sadness about my mom. But that also seems to be OK. Only thing that's come up for me, is that I'm the next one "in line". And I'm not fussing much over that either since my druthers & plans have been settled for a few years now. (And unless I get hit by the Sweet Meteor of Death, I'm not in danger of passing any time soon.)
How are you doin? (I'll go check your thread.)
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I know what you mean Skep, parents passing is a step nearer the inevitable and I think there are some parts of the circle of life that none of us are in a rush to get to! We are doing good, thank you, things are much better than they were before and everything is looking more manageable :) xx
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Been a busy stressful week. B is making plans to leave and get the next load organized; he'll only be gone a month and then will be back in time for my birthday and may stay till January. We are working on a plan/checklist for making that next load - the LAST one.
For several years now, I've been looking for a clean and solid 4 door hardtop wrangler to replace the grand cherokee with all it's electronic doodads of distraction and startling "command center" demands and warnings. The car beeping at me, can scare the bejesus out me at the WORST possible moments because I'm an active, engage driver who actually ENJOYS driving. I don't often just toodle along casually, especially on our two-land twisties. There is also less to troubleshoot and fix on the older models - and because of our terrain & weather & open roads - I wanted a manual again. I love driving Rudi, but B has one more change to make that will solve the problem Mike created when he put such large tires on it.
Finding one has been a needle in a haystack search. Most had already been customized by guys who grew up with the Transformers movies... and had just as much electronic junk on them as the new ones. Price tag reflected it, too. Others were driven into the ground with high mileage and needing a LOT of work to be reliable. So, last week on the way to the grocery, I spotted one at place that usually has all kinds of interesting vehicles/equipment for sale. We stopped on the way back to look it over. Everything on my short list was there; B approved the work on the suspension & lift kit... and the price, while high for it's model year, was fair given the lift alone was worth $5k and was recent. Drove it the next day and bought it.
And I've been driving myself half-mad being conflicted about spending the money right now - because the roofers started the very same day I drove/bought it. B and I talked through the pros & cons of the simplicity of the wrangler over the higher cost & complexity of the newer cherokee... and that helped. But we also need to get some kind of equipment & wood shed built/constructed to protect the investment in our "tools" and to minimize propane usage through the winter. Electricity hasn't gone up much here yet. There is also the problem of state inspections for "modifed" vehicles - ie, lifted.
And we've been SOOO busy lately, that I'm having to push driving miles & miles to a DMV until B leaves... and then I have the problem of having a driver when I sell the cherokee to the dealer over the mountain. The dealer has been calling me multiple times a day to make an appointment for them to look at it and price it for me. SIGH. Top that off with the insurance agent calling asking me to pick a time to review my insurance needs........... !!!!!! I've got too much on my to-do list already to be dealing with all this admin crap.
But it looks like Hol and/or S will be around now. So I won't have to deal with their animals - that's one relief. Unless Hol gets the coordinator position pushed on her for this production. She is the only one on their crew that CAN, but she doesn't want it. Even if she does like the paycheck. She's framed it as beating the crap out of her body just to make tv content for people who never get up off the couch. And she is resenting it. As would any sane person who only got 10 hrs of sleep in 48 hrs.
I am truly spoiled having B here. So many things are getting done, and by coincidence he had mechanical work to do on all the vehicles & equipment that would've been beyond our capacity to deal with when they failed. The yard work has been neglected but in the scheme of things, that's not terribly important right now. Roofer is going to pull his trailer in front of the porch Monday anyway. And I'll need to do a thorough walkaround looking for loose nails on the ground - even tho he picked up the majority of them. He helps cook, he's not a messy guy either - even though it looks like things have exploded in the garage, barn & shop right now while he's moving, organizing and working on the last bits of things. There is going to have be some more inside the house projects too over the winter.
OH... and I'm still working on an interim window project in the studio (and organization) to help manage heat and cooling out there too. The site environment wasn't at all considered in the design of that building - nor insulation or heating/cooling. But that project is probably going to have to wait till 2024. And we must needs do a little road/ditch work this fall before things get worse. Rick left us in pretty good shape before he moved; there are a few places that need attention though.
Wheeeeeee!!!!! this is the crazy stuff I have to try to ride herd on around here... like trying to corral tripping squirrels that have had too much coffee. And it's why I alternate between exhaustion and sleepwalking... and running my ass off. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
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I think you're happiest when you're busy, Amber. Sounds like you're grabbing life by the hand and running.
Very glad B seems to be healing up.
Lighter
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I'm working at trying to stay centered in all this. My irritable button has been pushed a lot lately and then the internal conflict over spending money on the jeep also contributed to being off balance. So I'm taking a couple days to REST and do things I like to do before dealing with all the other stuff again.
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I was thinking when you got the Wrangler you'd sell the Cherokee which, being newer, and given the sky-high values of cars these days...you'd come out ahead?
Couldn't agree with you more about the annoying/intrusive electronics. My 2008 Prius has what I consider a dang TV in the dashboard, though it isn't anything like, and I've never once figured out how to work the radio. One station all day because if I hit the wrong button I'm lost. I extra-loathe its charming habit of emitting a very loud beepbeep every single time I'm going in reverse, to which I screech in my head: If I don't know I'm driving backward, take my keys. But noooo, I gotta listen to the damn UPS-truck reverse beep every time I leave my driveway or park anywhere. (Not removable by mechanics, either...I've asked.)
I hope it's mostly happy-busy, Amber. You've waited a long time for some peace and quiet. Sorry B has to be gone for a month. Then one more absence in January and he's home with you for good?
Hope so. Keep on truckin' but try to enjoy the drive.
hugs
Hops
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Oh yes, the plan is to sell the cherokee. I do NOT need to support this many vehicles - I can only drive one at a time! LOLOLOL. I do need to hand wash the dang pollen off and clean up the inside tho. And that's not happening real quickly right now. Roofers' tools are blocking access to the garage/hose. I MIGHT get a chance to do that today, depending on how warm it gets. I did just run it through the local car wash.
Next week is going to be busy, because I have to get insurance, tags for the wrangler - run over the mountain & pick up the rental with B on Wed... and then hopefully, have B follow me to the dealer for the appraisal. I think they think, they're selling me a new car... even though the website clearly states they will just buy "your car" from you. So we'll see. The new jeeps are even worse than the cherokee for "bells, whistles & beeps".
Right now, I'm just having a lazy morning catching up on my doom scrolling. Hol was flat out exhausted when she got home - and she didn't even try driving after she got off work Fri. night. So I'm giving her time to hang with S this weekend... and her dog (who was ever so good on a difficult day!) and remember she lives here. LOLOLOL. There's more craziness than usual going on with this job - but there are two new guys working in her department, so she's less needed. Think she'll be home at LEAST two weeks, before S finishes up working and gets to stay home.
Well, I dunno how much I'm getting done today... but it won't be much unless I get moving. Roofers are going to be here (and banging on the part over my bedroom) at 7:30 am tomorrow. I'm really over contractors right now... but I really needed to get this done and the dark green metal looks good!
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Ooo, dark green metal roof sounds gorgeous.
I can see it.
And rain on it will sound wonderful!
Did I understand right that after going home for a month, B comes back with a next-to-last load to the mountain, then goes back one more time in January to return with his really-final load? As in, B sez: "I live here now." ??
Hope that means his house sold and all is moving in the right direction.
Sounds like things are moving well for Hol too unless she's begun to hate the job as well as be tired out from it. I imagine TV production is very high intensity. Is S in the same biz?
Do I ask too many nosy questions? LOL.
hugs and enjoy your break (doom scrolling is ballooning here, good lord it's awful).
Hops
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We're trying to pull that together that way Hops. And this trip isn't "going home" to his state - it's to collect all his stuff to COME HOME. Lots of things aren't exactly working right or copascetically. So yeah -- maybe 2 more trips; maybe 3, it just depends on 9 million variables ya know? :rolleyes:
The house is sold - kinda. It's a private deal and that can be iffy. But his granddaughter is a realtor and developers are working in his area so he's not terribly worried about getting it sold.
Roof is about half done; this morning he said he'll probably finish early next week. They aren't going to work here Friday. They're working on the really complicated side of the house now, with a porch & two gables. Takes longer to cut all those angles for the valleys in the roof.
I'll know more about where Hol is with working in this industry next week. Ambivalence is kinda giving way to absolute decisions about what she wants and what she won't do. It's definitely been hard on her that S has worked every day but weekends the whole past month. But that's also clearing her head a lot too. So it's a wait & see still. For someone who's absolutely social -- she was so HAPPY to get home to peace & quiet. She doesn't have a lot of good to say about the Gen Z "kids" trying to work in the industry, being the last generation to grow up with electronic devices. LOLOLOLOLOL.
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Well, B just left this morning. He'll be back in a month. He's driving right into the storm, which should be making landfall near his house in a couple of hours or so. He has an offer to stay with a friend in NC tonight, but knowing him he'll drive straight thru until he can't. It won't be his first time - he drove home in Hugo from a base in CT.
We're supposed to get a couple inches of rain from the same storm tonight, tomorrow and Sunday. So I was delighted that the roof was finished today. Looks much better with a metal roof than those old rotten shingles. Shouldn't need replaced in my lifetime (the remainder anyway).
SIGH. I really didn't want him to go and he drug his feet almost all morning. So he got a late start and because this truck is governed to 55 mph it's going to take him till tomorrow morning to get home (especially if he pulls off to sleep). But it is what it is. We're staying in constant touch. I need to text him friend's phone number.
And now... for some absolute slug-time! Been an extremely busy week.
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Ahhhh, Amber. Driving so long, sleeping in a truck.... pushing himself when B's still healing and his body could really use special care and kindness.....
makes me uneasy just to read about it.
I hope he makes it safely.
We had winds and cold rain last night. It's sunny and calm today... not so cold, but chilly.
How are you guys doing?
I bet Hops had some weather too.
Lighter
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It's still raining here Sunday morning Lighter. Highs have only been in the 50s. I'm doing OK Lighter - I still enjoy my alone time a LOT.
B made it home last night and I didn't hear from him again after he unloaded the truck, so I HOPE he ate that pizza and went to sleep. He hasn't been there since June and there are a few things that are making his life difficult about now. I'll try to touch base with him in a bit. He mighta thrown his phone in the river, 'coz he kept getting calls fom people who wanted him to fix their generator. For free of course. :rolleyes: He closed his business because people felt entitled to free work from him.
He's going to be a closely guarded secret after getting completely moved in! I don't like to share. :D
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I'm glad B arrived safely.
Maybe it's time to change his phone number.
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Yup; very very soon.
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You must be missing him a lot right now, Amber.
And you'll find yourself in the space that you're keeping warm for him.
Big hugs
Hops
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Aw I'm glad all the B stuff is working out, Skep, I don't know how he manages those long drives at night, I get so tired on a long journey. I hope his house sale all wraps up easily and he gets the last of his things out and back up to yours :) Aw, it's really cute, do you think he'll be all moved in properly by Christmas. You can all have matching Christmas PJs lol :) xx
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S came home from work 2 weeks ago; sick. A week later it was Hol's turn... and now I've got the crud. SIGH. I'm doing all the usual; no I don't think it's Covid. I'm still getting SOME stuff done as long as I pace myself.
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Yoicks, Amber, sorry to hear this.
Hope you succeed at pacing yourself, or maybe a couple
days of just being, rather than so much doing?
Yucky bugs begone. Glad you're sure it ain't covid, cold
viruses are still having fun with us. If you decide to check,
these come in the mail fast, in my experience. They're free.
https://www.covid.gov/tests (https://www.covid.gov/tests)
hugs
Hops
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No fatigue Hops; very slight fever and a few muscle aches. It wouldn't even rank as a bad flu. (And I have had those). The worst is the uncertainty of where I am in space when I'm moving around and when stationary - assorted similar wonky perceptions. And the nagging headache... which isn't that bad, just won't go away.
Good thing I was able to stir myself to make a fast pot of chicken soup yesterday.
Had to go sit up at the shop and wait for a delivery of an important piece of equipment for B's tools. The morning chill felt pretty good this morning. His next run up here is first week of November and he'll likely be here for weeks again, unless he's at the point with his appts that he can go collect everything for the last move.
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Hope it passes fast. Glad the symptoms are light.
In my experience, hearing about it from about 8 people, covid turns up very differently in different people at different times. Some barely noticed but tested since they realized they'd been exposed; others were really flattened, sick as dawgs.
Personally, I'd test because I'd want to know either way. But YMMV.
hugs
Hops
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Hope you're fully recovered soon, Amber.
Light
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Thanks Lighter! Workin' on it.
Hops, since all three of us have basically the same symptoms, if Hol tests we'll have a better idea. I've got some gastro symptoms going on too now. Ginger & lemon tea seems to be helping that. But it does remind me more of some awful "daycare" bugs we got exposed to while I was still working. I reallly haven't had more than a cold or sinus congestion since I quit working.
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Yoicks.
I know you'll weather it well, mountain Mama.
But it ain't fun, and I'm sorry!
hugs
Hops
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Well. I don't feel anything like I did when this first hit... but I'm still feeling "weird in the head". Like between my ears, eyes & sinuses. And that's annoying because of the recent sinus/ear episode I had. I really don't want that back. We're getting a stretch of steady soft rain this morning and it's warmed up some this week. Not bad for October.
Hol's already cancelled this weekend's girl get together coz people have kids. She had a bit of a relapse yesterday evening, but her hot bath & bed ought to cure her low tolerance for boredom and doing nothing, self-created challenge. But then, she did have things she HAD to do earlier in the week. Me, I just put everything on hold - including the oregano I harvested and dried last week. It's gonna have to go back in the oven again before the jar, I think. Been a week.
I have one quick post office run to make out today, then see if I can get my brain to focus on the collection of financial numbers my book keeper sent me. I've got decisions and phone calls to make before the end of the year.
It's been peak color in the trees around here up till this week. I think this is about the end of that. It was glorious while it lasted. But I still have all my yard clean up and garden prep to do; some landscaping around the shop to manage drainage. Projects out in the studio. And not much energy yet or recklessness to push it. I would like my head symptoms - brain fog - to completely go away before I attempt too much. Appetite is back though; craving weird things I don't normally eat.
Well, kitties want their breakfast. I think I'm gonna be fine... so y'all worry about and entertain yourselves! ;)
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Loud 'n clear....no clucking!
Keep us posted anyway and we can cluck on our own time.
Or NOT cluck. Celebrate Amber's sturdy resilience!
I'm for that, hang in there.
hugs
Hops
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Maybe more accurate description:
absurdly stubborn refusal to be laid low just because "I don't feel good".
The worst seems to be past now. But the head congestion and runny nose stuff is back again. Brain fog has cleared too. I'm still not going to push myself to "do" until next week. I was in the middle of cleaning the guest room when this hit. Buck's coming home end of next week. And it's just going to be fine no matter what. Still, I'm going to take it pretty easy through the weekend. I'm sleeping heavily, still.
This wasn't your normal head cold or flu, but it wasn't THAT far off. Could be whatever this new variant is, ya know? Less threatening.
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What a PITA, Amber. I hope your at full speed soon.
I'm still not recovered full from March Covid bout.
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This is not a cluck.
But a feathered inquiry.
Possibly with eggs.
Wish I could bring you some soup!!!
hugs
Hops
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LOL.... I'm about "souped" out Hops. Nothing even sounds appetizing. I might pick up an order of italian or mexican carryout today when I come home from grocery shopping. Maybe drive the other direction & get a house burger -- they're excellent burgers.
I'm absolutely bored to tears, I think.
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Podcast time?
I never do that, preferring reading print sources (online) and watching YouTube interviews, etc.
But Poet loves them. Just sent me a link to one on Ukraine. I won't so that one but probably it'd be a good thing to explore (interesting podcasts generally) for when I'm cooking or doing something dull that takes a while.
hugs
Hops
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We had tacos for our Halloween crowd last night......very yummy.
My sister made a pot of Bolonese sauce,SO GOOD and comforting. Like a big'ol hug in a bowl.
Lighter
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Think I'm rounding the corner now on this. Still a lot of nasal congestion but my head is finally starting to feel more normal. The weirdest thing I felt the whole time, was like I was fading - bleached in the sun - a mere hologram of myself. As if my whole personality was draining away and I was only a miserable body.
And depressed because during all that boredom, my mind wandered back to the weeks & months I was a sick kid and my mom tried to take care of me... first illness with no mom on the planet, and that tweaked the self-pity button a bit. Instead, I had bossy Holly simultaneously trying to recover herself and needing attention and telling me the "right way" to go about enduring this.
My energy & stamina levels are the last to improve... but that's coming back a little. I strictly enforced the rest & liquids regime to the point that it was the better part of valor to be a slug until I got my head & awareness centered back firmly in my body again. I felt kinda guilty about that, too... but I literally couldn't maintain attention long enough to make a cup of tea the worst days.
The neuro-perceptual effects makes this the WEIRDEST virus I've ever gone thru, including the Hong Kong flu in the 60s. I do NOT want to get this again. I'm still trying to recenter completely. I'm glad we cancelled the girl's weekend. And I go get my haircut today, after rescheduling last week. Weather's been beautiful and warmer again. I think that's helping. B rolls in with the next load on Sunday and I'm making Shepherd's pie with lamb. He may not be able to eat when he gets off the road, but it keeps pretty well for leftovers.
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So glad you're beginning to feel better, Amber.
And it's good that you have been so strong for so long.
You have even been strong enough to nurture yourself.
Hard to believe that covid can find its way to a mountainside but this virus IS novel. May you avoid reinfection always and feel completely well soon. I can't imagine it otherwise.
hugs
Hops
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Shepherd's pie, yummy!
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Well, my energy started recovering just in time to cross the last "prepare for winter" items off the list. And deal with the first big load of Buck stuff in the house. We traversed what little things came up there pretty easily. Now we're designing together and that's fun. He's actually got some excellent ideas, even though he's massively colorblind. LOL.
The witch of November is here today; bitter cold wind. But the new roof seems to have cured the draft problem we had. And hopefully I'll have new gutters next week. Friend of ours in Kentucky woke up to 6 inches of white stuff a couple days ago. Helga got inspected finally, and passed, so Hol has something to drive that's reliable in the snow. Buck has seriously improved it.
He made me dinner for my birthday and let me play princess for a day. Got a cute card from my brother, who's engaging in a lot more interaction with me, since my mom passed. I've been appreciating the improvement in that relationship. And people are starting to show up in my dreams - and I'm dreaming like crazy these days. Weird stuff sometimes. But none of it's bothersome.
We seem to be hitting a bit of a quiet, content, sweet spot around here right now. I'm just gonna roll with that for the time being. Started thinking about baking yesterday again, but kitchen work is still kinda using up a lot more energy than I expect. Still, I want to so today I might sift thru the cookbooks and pick out what I want to make. It might be a baklava year again.
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OMG... we're going to get our first white stuff falling from the sky today!!
Not enough to shovel thankfully, but I'll have to collect kitties from outside and keep them entertained for a bit unless they nap.
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We've had iced over tadpole containers for a few days here.
Had to run around and shut off outdoor plumbing to shower and spickets..... pull in the hoses.
I hope you guys have plenty of wood and coco!
Enjoy the snwo, Amber.
Lighter
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Well, snow never amounted to anything, and then it got cold & windy. Still waiting on appt for stimulator. So, B hasn't been as busy this trip. When it warms up, he's got things to do in the shop.
Deb is coming out this weekend & the kids are gonna be gone. So we'll have a relaxing time instead of the usual mayhem. Buck will grill ribs and I'll make some sides & dessert and we'll stuff our faceholes. :D
Gutters finally got replaced; and leaf guards installed.... so no more big jobs in the house. I can move on to the studio and decks when I save up enough "kitty" for it. I have mending for B and a couple of projects for out there. It's definitely a cozier space with the new blinds and curtains.
So, I think we're finally in hibernation season. My seed catalogs have started coming in! Time to move my seed starting setup and think about garden again. And meanwhile B & I are talking about remaking the main living space into "our space".
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Enjoy your hibernation time, Amber.
We just smoked 4 racks of ribs....will pack them up for travel tomorrow.
Good food, fires and fellowship is about my holiday speed.
Enjoy your visit with D.
Lighter
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I would enjoy it MORE, if my weird dreams would stop. Been dreaming about my Dad for some time now. This last one, his mom (an evil witch of a grandmother) and Mike and his brother (who is still on this side of the dirt, I believe) were in the dream.
I did figure out WHY this dream; Mike passed 7 years ago tomorrow. Time flies when you're getting older. I don't think there is any processing or things to let go on that topic... but you never know, do ya?
And I HAVE been a tad busy lately. Most of it has been fun or an adventure. There's only been a little crabby irritation about things; a little overwhelm about being "needed" so many different places/things; only a little insanity of the dysfunctional family kind.
And B is in a really good mood this morning... "Dad Jokes" abound.
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How wise of you to be so aware that you noted the "anniversary reaction" your subconscious was dealing with, Amber. That is really wonderful.
And are you getting B. some Dad jeans to go along with his jokes? I think it's a fabulous sign of his happiness that he's telling you lame jokes. Love it!
I'm entering winter with a happy plan, despite some adjustments this year about life itself. I'm inviting a dozen friends (plus anybody, really) to join me this spring at an animal sanctuary on a gorgeous 400 acres -- to help me celebrate my bday! I'm so tickled by the idea, and Poet friend is coming all the way from Michigan for it.
Whoopie. I told them I'd thought of waiting for my 75th but that one will require a parade, so heck with waiting.
I'm just full of joy at the prospect. I soooooo love being near animals. Since most of us will be old ladies (and a few old gents) I told them if they prefer they can kibbitz by the fence while I get blissed out and smelly patting everything that enjoys it.
Woo and HOO. I hope you have fun plans to celebrate life itself that have nothing to do with accomplishing stuff, too.
It's really, really nice to hear about you and B, catch glimpses of this amazing turn in your life.
And, remembering Mike, feeling that gentle reminder of that love, is beautiful too.
Hugs,
Hops
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Oh my.... what ARE these strange feelings I'm feeling consistently day to day? You know (hopefully) - what I'm going to describe. Happy, buoyant, bubbly, playing, and fun stuff! Lasts all day and from day to day... and doesn't really dissapate when I have something I have to do. WHO IS THIS ME???? LOLOLOLOL.
I can't say B is responsible for this, altho he does contribute to it. Even on those days when he's ready to chew nails and blow things up out of frustration and irritation. (Not literally; but he gets very angry and takes things too too personally sometimes.) Even then, I mostly hang on to this new "state of being".
I have energy busting out all over - a distinct contrast to the covid fatigue. Sometimes that energy is even concentrated & focused. LOLOL.
I might have to surrender my queen of sarcasm & snark card. Indeed, I'm sure my reputation is going to suffer. I guess I'll have to pass on the torch and let myself be put out to pasture... since it's a hell of a lot more enjoyable than where I used to spend my days, emotionally.
In very short order, B will bring yet another load... and perhaps it will be the LAST load, depending on a LOT of things. He'll run home in a week or so, and then turn around around and be back in the week between Christmas & New Year's with that next load and to make his pump fill appt. (We're checking into Home Infusion for later on.)
Hol is maybe gonna miss the "old" mom... and bribe B to bring her back - NOT. LOLOLOLOLOL. This is just such a weird - ie, unusual, state for me to be in other than momentarily and usually for an obvious cause. This has no direct causation; it just IS. It is IMPOSSIBLE to find anything to worry about regarding it; and there's nothing to analyze, or explain. Hol has found just the right kind of stable & consistent male mentor (Dad substitute) in B and those two are thick as thieves - even texting each other ideas to bounce off the other or offer help to each other. An unexpected bonus of "gravy" in this situation.
OH... and now that hearing aids are OTC, I found an affordable set that are working for him. No batteries, they're rechargable. It's making a world of difference for him - he was missing a lot... and ME, because I often have to repeat myself 3-4 times to be understood. Unlike the kind that merely amplify EVERYTHING, these seem more filtered to accentuate speech. My voice tends be a deeper range, which is precisely the frequency that cuts out for him. The brand is Audien and I ordered online. We'd recommend them. They're pretty comfortable for him to wear for extended timeframes too.
It seems that even on the days we're not deliberately chasing fun - when it's the mundane same old same old - we're still having fun and I'm all happy happy joy joy silly. Not giddy, like in the early days... this seems to be a more permanent change. What the hell, right? You only live once... so why NOT?
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That was an amazing update, Amber.
YES.
So glad everyone getting along too.
You're surfing real good!
Lighter
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Happily absorbed ALLA THAT, Amber. I'm so glad for you!
Who cares what explains an upbeat mood, it's just wonderful one has come to visit. Long may it stay, but either way it gives you a lovely neural fresh groove for it to snuggle into again.
Meanwhile, I highly recommend Netflix's Lady Chatterly's Lover.
You may need smelling salts.
hugs
Hops
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Hmmmm. Lady Chatterley's Lover? I thought the classics were verboten these days? LOLOLOL. But it could maybe plant some ideas in someONE's busy brain.
If only they hadn't jacked up their subscription cost (with way too much comic book content); I cancelled Netflix a couple months ago being "expense conscious" these days.
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Well this ice storm lasted 2 days. Power came back on Friday afternoon. Cell tower is still crappy tho. So I'm reduced to phone usage. Oh the suffering!! LOLOLOL. B's getting shop organized & has been cutting trees that came down. We're going over the mtn today so MAYBE we'll have a stronger signal when we get back. Everything is cell based, so the tv & wifi are down till the tower is fixed.
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Dang. I'm so internet-addicted I fear seizures
if/when a blizzard takes it out. Hate power failures!
Friend told me she follows some long-term weather
site that predicts a blizzard Dec. 23-24. She also
likes bad news, so there's that...
Stay cozy! Glad B's back.
hugs
Hops
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Did your freezers stay cold?
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Freezers & lots more "conveniences" on whole house generator, lighter. Sadly, the cell tower doesn't have the same redundancy during storms. I got the genny after hauling water for 4 days in a Feb. outage. Thankfully it was Hol & S doing most of the hauling coz I was busy splitting wood, cleaning stoves and feeding fires.
Took me a bit to figure out web stuff on my phone Hops. It's tiny and typing is all text style - sigh. But I have a large library of music CDs and movies, so I'm not going thru cold turkey withdrawal. LOL. Called in the cell outage (finally! got thru) & Wed is the expectation on repairs.
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Well, so far, the Goddess of Winter is saying: oh, you grew up with lake effect & -25 wind chills?? HERE, hold my beer and watch this!! The second round was much colder; much windier - but power & internet were not out as long. The new jeep - Fenris - is definitely an artic wolf. Had him in 4W Low and practiced driving our icy hills, at a stately & measured amount of speed. A couple tail swishes going around curves were expected - jeeps are pretty light in the back end - but nothing I haven't dealt with driving other vehicles, in other lives.
By the time Hol's birthday guests arrive on the 6th, the daytime temps will be back to the 50s. And that means MUD.
I'm making baklava for the party - found a recipe that uses only a little sugar in the honey/orange/rosewater syrup so I'm looking forward to trying it. Life goes on - weather or not..
Need to get my seeds ordered for this year. Going back to my reliable herb source for some more medicinals. I have enough of last year's seeds left over that I can share with the kids. I need to purge the seeds over 5 years old. (I still have "emergency seeds" either vacumn packed or vacumned sealed & frozen -- my own Svalbard.)
Hol & I are already talking about the projects for spring - some work is easier to do when it's NOT warm & wet.
And Buck will be back with another load of parts & tools at New Years.
Haven't had a good SNOW storm yet, but maybe that'll wait till Feb this year.
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Well, Happy New Year's Eve. I don't have anything spiritual or profound or clairvoyent to convince me that next year is going to be much different than this year (as far as the world outside the farm). Buck is bringing a BIG load this time so the back & forth nature of this relationship is almost over. He has an old marine buddy helping him load today; and some hotrod hand truck too.
He is so excited this time (he's only been gone 2 weeks) that he hasn't been sleeping again. :mad: That makes the drive so much more difficult. It's 12-14 hrs one way, as it is. And that's without adding weather into the mix. I can't do that in one shot - and even Hol would see the sense in breaking it up. I can't make him sleep, he's a big boy and making his own choices - but he has promised to sleep tonight/tomorrow.
And I am having laughable dreams about Mike acting out in a jealous way. Of all things... it's silly. REALLY SILLY given the skillset Buck has kept "fresh" all these years. But I suppose that's just my way of acknowleding the importance of both relationships to me - and letting go of; processing out the lingering "guilt" and "disloyalty" reflexes.
My old old friend (from Jr. Hi) V, and I have been chatting back & forth a lot again. We've known each other more than 50 years. She hadn't heard about my mom dying and just last weekend - she passed on the news of my Aunt's passing. The last of that whole generation. Since I'm only a day's drive from her, she may come visit. She's supported herself, put her son thru college, and almost paid off her house by crafting/sewing primitive dolls. Now she's moved on to bigger accounts and storefront displays... and no; she's not an art school grad. We were in HS art classes together and both worked at the Hobby Shop... she has skills for sure! We are alike in a lot of ways - and different in some significant ones and the perspective of; reflection of all that between us over the years is really interesting. Her birthday is the week after mine - and we joke about being switched at birth in the hospital. LOL.
Holly's big party next Friday keeps getting bigger. I think we're gonna have to stack everyone who's staying overenight. Fortunately it's real casual and potluck. Everyone will bring something. She didn't want presents (still purging stuff to make room in her hut) so I gave her my stack yesterday. She loves the fake fur onesie and it fits perfectly. I think she'll probably live in it the rest of the winter. LOLOL. I'm contributing a baklava and I guess I need to make that no later than tomorrow. I've already chopped the nuts.
I'm finally getting some real SLOW days finally - even with all this exciting stuff swirling around me. She doesn't understand the attraction of days when one doesn't "do" anything other than just basic living stuff: laundry, dishes, cooking. But then, I don't consider any of that "doing". Stuff I look up/research online... also not "doing". Thinking about doing, maybe. But dayz like this are what lowers my residual anxiety levels, lets me unreel my imagination... and "see" things in a new light. I absolutely need these days. (NO, I'm not even planning...)
She and I are sharing the studio again on our own moccasin projects. We got them cut out yesterday. Mine, is a style I used to wear. Color is different than I designed - but now I'm getting new beading ideas; think I'm going to go for a thunderbird design. (Iteration of the pheonix) Hers are more elven/stormtrooper boots; taller upper - about Uggs classic boot height, and straps pockets etc are getting contemplated as she makes this first pair. (She has 3 lined & zippered leather tote bags going in her own studio at the moment.)
The ice has melted, resulting in MUD. Helga is solid mud from the driver's door back. Fenris, my jeep, hasn't been out as much. The ranger has caught a branch in the seam of the roof and I can't break it or pull it out yet. The ranger is my go-to vehicle unless it's an off the farm trip. Rudi is safely stashed in the studio garage - and I need to get his seat covers put on. Fenris is next for seat covers. I got a little rubber ducky with a tag on it on the windshield the other day at the grocery store. Sez: NICE JEEP... LOL. I guess it's a thing with jeep owners. Along with the jeep wave.
The little mundane events and interactions of a "slow" life are absolutely the best "side effect" from my decision to situate myself here in the steep woods. All the "big" ambitions, desires & thrills of younger ages are boring as crap to me... even though sometimes pursuit of those, result in interesting life stories. Nope; my biggest challenge is trying to master sourdough bread. Even a proofing box didn't help. All the perfect preparation in the world and the loaves would make better building material than a delivery system for butter & jam. But I WILL figure it out!! I know it's something I'm doing or the conditions of my environment.
Anyways, I hope next year brings y'all what you need/want most too! I am definitely NOT going to be conscious at midnight (snoring maybe)... and don't have a shred of curiosity (having satisfied it decades ago) about how others conduct themselves at NYE parties.
And B will be here Monday again. :D