Hmmmm.... just quickly riffing mentally here, I may change my mind about this after I ponder & observe some more...
INTUITION, yes. That is a big contributor to the meaning we assign events, especially interpersonal ones. It can over rule conditioning. But we do have to consciously engage it; too often in the moment - we're just running on auto-pilot and that's when conditioning takes over. In my experience, intuition pops up, and speaks the truth BEFORE conditioning, or reactions pops up. I've put boundaries in place, bc of my intuition, but failed to enforce those boundaries, bc..... bc...... I allowed the conditioning to come up, all painted and in very pretty form, presenting as something it wasn't, and my failure to honor my intuition was the true failure. It wasn't the conditioning, as far as I can tell. I walked away, and felt relief.
I was targeted, and tricked by an ASPD N, bc of my failure to honor myself more than the pretty stories the PD was weaving. I knew better, and my failure was enforcing the boundaries.
If we SEEK, and we set up a close replica of the original situation that could be left unresolved to our satisfaction... then, how can we possibly expect different results? It's akin to the old cliche about the definition of insanity; it's really just up to US, to do something DIFFERENT; try another way; something NEW. We need to grant ourselves permission to take that risk, fly by the seat of our pants, and really DO something different. I think we seek to set up the initial problem ONLY IF we fail to give attention to the difficult emotions around that story/problem.
IF we bring up the emotions with the ability to bring logic and problem solving skills to it, then we don't have to repeat to resolve. We simply give our brains the chance to process the emotions, so they can be filed away in the FINISHED AND DONE file, once and for all. Until we can do that,
there's always the chance we'll repeat the struggle in an attempt to relieve the stress that keeps popping up in our brains, the exact stress in the exact same places in our brains where the initial stress happened. In that case, it FEELS like we're in that spot, the day it happened, in the same place it happened. The brain can't tell the difference. The brain shifts into fight or flight automatically, and we keep getting the same results till we come up under the sympathetic nervous system, engage the parasympathetic nervous system, and engage higher thinking.
Maybe people can't even see that; until they have actually identified what they are seeking; accept that it failed to provide the expected results; and it's merely a concept in their mind The story is just a concept... the emotions are very real, and in need of our attention.
That's why they keep coming back up, over and over. As long as we're experiencing them in the limbic system, with all the judgment, and fear around the initial wound, we can't bring our higher thinking online to finish processing and filing the hard emotions where they need to go. - a thing, apart from the self. Which means it can be edited; changed; with work and conscious attention. Not edited. Processed, and filed appropriately. Once we do that, the emotions stop clammering for attention. We have relief around that emotion, and the stories are no longer charged for us.
I think we're talking about the same thing here. Not really sure; )
Lighter
Aye-yie-yie... I know what you two are talking about. Where if ya don't start deconstructing the problem right away and looking for points where you can change it... you feel even worse. IMO, that's because of past roles parenting the parents; we put that pressure on ourselves to try to hold things (and people) together. And then that whole thing can spiral out of control. Emotionally; bio-neurologically and then physically.
What mindfulness is suggesting one do, isn't 1/2 hr of meditation so much as... giving yourself permission to "take care of yourself first". To take a time out; breathe yourself present in your body FIRST... allow yourself to remember "I'm safe in the here and now"... and really feel solid in that space before turning to look at the "problem" again. Some people can do that during activity, as well. Washing dishes works for me - especially putting dishes away in my small kitchen. I turn that into moving meditation, tai chi, dancing... whatever. Just to get "present" in my body. It kinda sets the tone for the day, for me.
Aye-yie-yie... I know what you two are talking about. Where if ya don't start deconstructing the problem right away and looking for points where you can change it... you feel even worse. IMO, that's because of past roles parenting the parents; we put that pressure on ourselves to try to hold things (and people) together. And then that whole thing can spiral out of control. Emotionally; bio-neurologically and then physically.
What mindfulness is suggesting one do, isn't 1/2 hr of meditation so much as... giving yourself permission to "take care of yourself first". To take a time out; breathe yourself present in your body FIRST... allow yourself to remember "I'm safe in the here and now"... and really feel solid in that space before turning to look at the "problem" again. Some people can do that during activity, as well. Washing dishes works for me - especially putting dishes away in my small kitchen. I turn that into moving meditation, tai chi, dancing... whatever. Just to get "present" in my body. It kinda sets the tone for the day, for me.
I'm TOO respectful of other people's boundaries and not defensive enough of my own. That led to a complete lack of communication about some basic ground rules, agreements, and mutually accepted understandings.
our intuition can work all this out, and help us sidestep the old struggles. It just has to stand up to the old hope.... and require we honor the intuition more than we honor the desire to resolve the old struggle
we don't have to repeat to resolve.
::munching blueberries the size of grapes::
They're really good. Most are tart and sweet, just the way I like them. I don't like bland ones, and the occasional moldy one doesn't upset me. The discomfort, if there's any discomfort now... and there is.... is more about MY eating something I bought for the girls.
Usually I don't eat fresh fruit in the fridge. If the girls don't eat it, then it typically dies, or I've frozen it for smoothies, or as little blueberry popsicles, which youngest dd likes. I've felt that way about food for years.... eating what they left, not preparing a plate for myself, bc money was scary, and anxiety always kills my appetite anyways.
Interesting, Lighter, I'm very similar. I'll go to great lengths to do nice meals for son but when it comes to myself it's often bits cobbled together in a 'that'll do' manner. I bought a cookbook in the charity shop last week that suggests meals made from foods that help with certain types of health problems - things to keep your heart healthy, things to balance your blood sugar, things to help with anxiety and so on. A lot of the meals look really nice but they contain ingredients that I don't usually buy because of the cost and it was interesting for me to notice how difficult I find it to spend money on food and cook myself good meals every day, rather than every now and again. Mmmm, more to ponder.
It's concerning, but I'm managing to stay in observer mode. Mostly.
SO... yesterday with T we explored feeling worthy enough, and that lead to an hour long dash down one triggered rabbit hole after another.
I'm not over the legals, I have more hard feelings for third party bystanders and enablers than I do toward my ASPD N husband as my expectations for him came into focus pretty quickly. Not so with the systems, law officers, and people who should do the right thing, but have so often fallen down, failed, done the wrong thing or just a little favor for a buddy(Judge in the case I'm thinking about THIS SECOND), then thrown the case into a baby judge's lap so he didn't have to look at what he'd done, or deal with it. Maybe putting faces in the room where he threw a stink bomb (fig.) just isn't pleasant, but WTH has to happen when people without standing to BRING a case get to file an Appeal, and win it, on the case that was thrown out? That makes my eyes cross, and there are years of this kind of sabotage and heinous fuckery I'll have to finish processing, and put behind me.
Yes, exactly the same, Lighter! My mum was only able to carry out that decade long campaign of abuse because so many people helped her. That people who have chosen to do a job that involves helping vulnerable people (as all public sector jobs do, in one way or another) and then chose to ignore the procedure and legislation and lie and manipulate the situation to give more power to the abuser than the abusee - that bothers me so much more than anything my mum did. And more so because it means we know we don't have a safety net. The services and support systems that are supposed to be there when we need protection or help are so flawed that they can do us more harm than good. Certainly for me, it's what makes me want to keep away from them. And it's a frightening world when you know you can't rely on doctors, the police, social workers, judges and so on to just do their job properly, regardless of their personal feelings about a situation. Very scary.
So, we did an excercise where I talked about a time I felt empowered, what was I wearing (favorite boots), what color comes up around that (black) how it felt to BE in that space.... I felt in control, remembered the click of my heels, and the purpose in my strides.... always very physical.... I felt that power in my hips.
Then we shifted to a time I felt vulnerable, and at the mercy of. That color was gray... it was dark, and lonely, and I could picture a grey sky framed by leafless black trees.... but gray was the color not feeling worthy.
We put the black in one hand and the gray in the other, T mirroring me, and held them like little balls about a foot apart. The right hand, holding the black... tingled like crazy. The left hand felt lighter. Now, we're sensing how each hand feels... the brain processes in symbols and finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas at the same time, and will make sense of them. I won't bore you with it all, but we moved the hands closer together, and talked about how that felt, and what I saw when I pictured the gray... then pictured the black. What were the changes, etc.
So interesting that it actually creates a physical sensation. Do you think you are more emotionally/spiritually sensitive than an average person or do you think anyone doing this would experience the same thing? it sounds quite incredible. Does if feel scary while you do it?
When we eventually merged hands my fingers experienced an electrical shock so intense I was surprised there wasn't any noise associated with it. A few fingers actually hurt. We explored the black and feeling empowered, then examined the gray and back and forth... not sure exactly how that went, bc I was trying to FINISH it. Sometimes I go in thinking I'll really pay attention and try to remember what happened, but it never goes that way, bc I can't do both, and I'm there to process as priority.
I was feeling OK when the hour was up, but then.... I wasn't. T used EMDR. I focused on the somatic sensations, which were all neutral... shocking considering the emotional upset, but in these cases I focus on the feelings of neutrality while doing the EMDR. it was really difficult to follow her fingers with my eyes for some reason. Sometimes my tongue wants to help out, but not this time. It was just so darned hard... like my vision wanted to stop on her face. VERY hard to think about bodily sensations and follow the fingers. Each time she stopped and checked in... I felt better. This is called desensitizing, and I can do it on my own.
There was another pass or two with focus on anything that felt pleasant in the body,and I have to say... .just feeling neutral was a very pleasant feeling for me.
Tupp.... it's nice to put the story on the shelf, then do really important work by focusing ONLY on the somatic sensations. I think it takes the retraumatizing factor down to a footnote very quickly, then helps to process the source trauma, but that's what happened last week, and I'll post about that on it's own.
Lighter
Fork. I can't find my notes on last week's T session, but will put down what I remember.
This was the second time we processed a particlary triggering story, and I notice I'll just blather on and on if the T doesn't stop me pretty quickly.... put the story on the shelf then move on to what we're there to do.
I AM RIGHT THERE, in that moment, unable to distinguish between then and the present.... I am engaged fully, as I was in those moments. She sees that, and cuts it right off. We focus on the sensations, we do some EMDR, we check in and note any changes, then dive back into the sensations.
Yes, exactly the same. It's almost like an out of body experience for me. I know I'm spiraling, I know I'm out of control, I know I'm reacting to something from the past and not from the present - but I can't step in to do anything about it. It's like watching a crash in slow motion, when you can see the cars are going to hit but there's nothing you can do to stop it.
At a point we bring up the event, and I think about it from beginning to end while doing EMDR. Check in with how I'm feeling, focus on that and do more EMDR.
It's like we bring up the distress, then calm it down, bring it up, calm it down, and so on. Put numbers on it. In this case I had a very sharp stabbing pain in my back, left side which is associate with being chakras, and being betrayed in a nutshell. Made sense to me.
Yes, makes sense to me as well.
Next we go through the story and loop it from beginning to end more than once while doing EMDR, then check in on feelings, and address them witih EMDR.
I'm not sure what happens next, so will jot down approximates....
Bring up someone INTO the scenario we look up to, trust, feel protected by and advocated by.... I chose myself, again, grown, calm, and helping everyone in the scene, which was intuitive for me.
It's telling that you choose yourself, Lighter, to stand up for yourself.
I went through the story as I wished it had happened, and that went pretty quick, compared to the other stuff. I noticed the original story was getting more difficult to bring into focus, when I tried, and was just not coming up for me when I tried to picture it as we went along.
Then it was time to put everything in to a box from the original story, or from a set of years, or an entire lifetime, or just an entire childhood, and I chose all the upsetting incidents I could recall, put them in the box, and chose total destruction through burning.
I built the fire in my firepit, and there were family membersd... everyone close, all deceased, and my siblings when they were younger, and our grandparents and parents comforted sibs and my younger self while I burned the entire box to ashes. Mom served food from a picnic basket.... children napped.... everyone sat in the old time yard chairs from my Paternal grandparent's yard.
I love that there was a picnic :) Does T talk you through that story or do you create that in your mind?
When the deed was done, I think we got up, and headed toward a bridge to our new lives. At the bridges edge we stopped to empty our pockets of everything from the past that needed to be left behind. I just had us take off all our clothes, and walk across the bridge in white cotton shifts, shorts and tee shirts.
When we got there we explored how that felt, then pictured a fountain.
Babies played in the spray, and grandparents sat on the edge, or in chairs by the side, and I dived in, and twirled, and did backflips in the water over and over... just all in, immersed, and refreshed.
I didn't think about the original story, bc in memory reconsolidation you want to let the new story continue processing as is. Every time we bring up a picture or story it's changed. Never static. It was easy to leave it alone, as it was the first time we did this for a different story..... I'd say I was 4 yo for the first one, and 11yo for the second story.
Those two stories were traced back from current trigger stories, and we worked on them until there was zero emotional charge involved with any aspect of the original story or the present-day triggers we started with.
It's easier to lean into the discomfort of this work when I know and trust it leads to processing the story, and into a serene place of relief, and gratitude it's done. I believe it will last, and so far so good... it's 100% remained in place. Old stories gone.
It's amazing that it's re-wiring your brain like this. And doing physical good, I imagine, by unlocking and unblocking things.
New stories in place... I experience so much relief where there was a lot of pain, tough emotions, and painful bodily sensations. Like a thousand pounds lifted. I don't care what the pounds were, or where they went, though I visualize them as
engaging unprocessed emotions in the amygdala....
the T assists with brain integration, helping to bring other parts of the brain online to support the amygdala, relieve tension around the story and in the brain, and make it possible to move that story into the processing center, then present it again and again to be processed until the brain has calmed enough to complete processing and file it into historic files in just the way I would have had that story go IF I HAD CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION.
I can't tell you how satisfying it is to EXPERIENCE that outcome, and process.... just the details that come out of my mouth when asked how I'd rather have had that experience go.... I'm always shocked by the details and direction, and those things come without having to think, typically, or with very little reflection. It feels like just the right answers were always there, waiting.
This is a pretty close approximating, and I didn't remember the fire, or the bridge, or the fountain from the first time we completed this process. It felt like we were doing this for the first time.
Shiftring into fight or flight mode feels a lot like being blindfolded and gagged.... sat on..... forced into a corner..... unable to move or shift out of that space, and it's EVERYTHING.....
I just didn't have the ability to remember those parts of the process when we completed the experience the first time.
I must not have had access to the parts of my brain that create new memories while I was IN that place..... and this time.... that I can remember more.... for me means I've calmed my brain enough to have some restored access during times of intense stress.... of reducing the stress, and it's hoped every time we get through this, along with consistent practice to fire and wire new neural pathways... I'll achieve more resilience, finish processing the unprocessed triggers from most to least powerful, until I'm able to regulate my emotions consistently as default setting. If not, I'll know how to calm myself and move into a place where I can regulate my emotions.
Will be so amazing for you to get to a point where all you're dealing with is right here and right now, Lighter, and being able to put all that energy into creating things that you want, rather than dealing with things that you don't. So amazing and much deserved.
Sometimes when we do check ins at the end of a session, something will come up... 2 sessions ago it was a T who harmed me and my children... the court appointed T who terrorized us an entire summer, and made my children fearl they'd be taken from me and given to their paternal grandparents in 2013.... THAT woman, the thought of her... that she made my youngest feel responsible for that terror.... is still in place, and T said it's my own self judgment that's behind that, which shut me up, and made me think.
What does she mean by your self judgement, Lighter? I was a bit confused by that. It's quite early here :) Lol
Just shutting down the cycle is an amazing thing. Bringing my attention to it.... and knocking the stuffing out of rage that's building and building... is an amazing thing.
Yesterday T told the story of monks burying a golden buddha in mud when their village was ransacked and overtaken by an enemy. Years later, after all the monks were gone, a child saw the glint of gold, leading to uncovering this beautiful buddha, and that reminded me of Tupp.
Lol, I often look in the mirror and think I look like I've been dug up, Lighter :) Lol
Just clearing out all the mud, and garbage, and judgments other people installed when we weren't able to defend ourselves, or make sense of it at the time.
Now that we're adults, and capable of defending ourselves.... and in my case, with help from a good T maybe to show me how, and keep me focused....
we uninstall the garbage, and remember what was always there.
And that brings me back to the gray black excercise. We're reconsolidating and changing the garbage stories INTO the original truth.
It's not hard. It's not a difficult process. It's relieving stress in the brain so the brain can do what it does efficiently WHEN IT'S NOT STUCK IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE/amygdala/reptilian brain. We're remembering what's been there from the start, and will always be there.
One last thing about yesterday's appointment.... I didn't realize I held some of the beliefs around the story of my ASPD N husband, and the first night he assaulted me and I thought I would be killed while listening to my oldest 4yo dd call our for me.... THAT is something I've never processed, and thinking about it was like experiencing someone else's feelings and thoughts about it, bc I just haven't done it. Ever.
Terrifying, Lighter, and more so because of the kids. I had one aggressive incident with son's father. He had me backed against a wall and was screaming in my face - not physically touching, but very aggressive, very violent, very unpleasant. Son was asleep in his cot, very young at the time, but what was going through my mind was that I could easily get away from this idiot and get out the front door - but I couldn't easily get away, get up the stairs, get son, get back down the stairs and get past him to get out the front door with son in my arms. And if I got out I wouldn't have any feeds, nappies or a change of clothes for son, either. It makes a huge difference when your kids are being exposed to that level of violence as well. We were, as children, although with us it was usually my mum attacking my dad. Makes it a much harder thing to deal with and yes, processing will be tough. But such a relief, I would have thought. You might need to change your name from Lighter to Lightest :) Lol
I didn't recognize my own belief system about it. I'd never asked myself, or allowed myself to process it.
It's time, and that one thing leads to a hundred, IME.
The journey continues.
Lighter
Thanks for describing this therapy Lighter. I'm finding it very interesting - but I don't believe (I could always be wrong) that it would work with my brain. Hol's on the other hand, might respond really well. Dunno.
It's so hard to predict what will work; how one might benefit... since we all live safe within our ego's comfort zone fantasy about ourselves. (Even though we believe the opposite.) LOL... sorry, it is very early this morning and I've been filtering a lot projection from Hol again from my own stuff.
::munching blueberries the size of grapes::
They're really good. Most are tart and sweet, just the way I like them. I don't like bland ones, and the occasional moldy one doesn't upset me. The discomfort, if there's any discomfort now... and there is.... is more about MY eating something I bought for the girls.
Usually I don't eat fresh fruit in the fridge. If the girls don't eat it, then it typically dies, or I've frozen it for smoothies, or as little blueberry popsicles, which youngest dd likes. I've felt that way about food for years.... eating what they left, not preparing a plate for myself, bc money was scary, and anxiety always kills my appetite anyways.
Interesting, Lighter, I'm very similar. I'll go to great lengths to do nice meals for son but when it comes to myself it's often bits cobbled together in a 'that'll do' manner. I bought a cookbook in the charity shop last week that suggests meals made from foods that help with certain types of health problems - things to keep your heart healthy, things to balance your blood sugar, things to help with anxiety and so on. A lot of the meals look really nice but they contain ingredients that I don't usually buy because of the cost and it was interesting for me to notice how difficult I find it to spend money on food and cook myself good meals every day, rather than every now and again. Mmmm, more to ponder.
I think I was a pretty "normal" parent before my ASPD H went off the rails. I could likely say I was somewhat self-focused (self-ish seems wrong) as a single person sailing through life with very little responsibility, save herself, home, and work out group/social group... they were the same. I remember looking at older photo albums of my life... after having children, and those photos created discomfort for me. It was ME enjoying my life, enjoying boys, enjoying my power at every level, and I don't know exactly what that means, except there was a change after that first physical assault that rocked my biology on a cellular level. I couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, lost so much weight I was sick, and that was really confusing bc everyone was telling me I looked great or telling me I wasn't special bc I'd lost the weight.... in other words.... they were envious and wanted to take me down a peg when I was in shock, and didn't need to be knocked down any more. I needed support, and someone to acknowledge my crisis. Anyway.... at some point my fight or flight system (Parasympathetic Nervous System PNS) flipped into the ON position, and it stayed on, with short bouts of flipping back,
but at a point my brain and body didn't see anything to be gained by switching, bc it was just harder, and so.....my adrenals were shot, and my "normal" was living in fight or flight mode. I remember watching it with some alarm. Understanding it was happening, but just not able to figure out a better way. That affected my parenting, food issues, healthcare issues, school issues, everything to do with parenting, and there were good and bad consequences to that I'm just now exploring.
The codependence might have been a thing for me, but the fight or flight coupled with parenting, and ongoing crisis/threat/danger ramped everything up..... for better or worse. I believe I was doing my very best in those circumstances, and I'm going to give myself a pass, undo some of the habits I developed during that time, and replace those habits and pathways that no longer serve.
I guess I'm saying I likely have some issues around worthiness from growing up with young golden child parents who had zero information about discipline, vs punishment and awareness around childhood phases. My mom SHOULD have been a beauty queen, and gone to college, and carved a life for herself before having children, bc her message to us was she made a mistake... we were mistakes.... if she had it to do over again she never would have had us, and we shouldn't repeat her mistake, which is why I was 36yo when I considered having children, and wouldn't have been surprised if I didn't have them at all. I'm not judging that, I'm just aware it's what it was.
My choices also inform my decision to NOT CARE about stuff, and how things look. I mean... there's resistance there that's difficult to explain until you look at my upbringing. Explains a lot, and I'm ready to process it and let it go now.
It's concerning, but I'm managing to stay in observer mode. Mostly.
SO... yesterday with T we explored feeling worthy enough, and that lead to an hour long dash down one triggered rabbit hole after another.
I'm not over the legals, I have more hard feelings for third party bystanders and enablers than I do toward my ASPD N husband as my expectations for him came into focus pretty quickly. Not so with the systems, law officers, and people who should do the right thing, but have so often fallen down, failed, done the wrong thing or just a little favor for a buddy(Judge in the case I'm thinking about THIS SECOND), then thrown the case into a baby judge's lap so he didn't have to look at what he'd done, or deal with it. Maybe putting faces in the room where he threw a stink bomb (fig.) just isn't pleasant, but WTH has to happen when people without standing to BRING a case get to file an Appeal, and win it, on the case that was thrown out? That makes my eyes cross, and there are years of this kind of sabotage and heinous fuckery I'll have to finish processing, and put behind me.
Yes, exactly the same, Lighter! My mum was only able to carry out that decade long campaign of abuse because so many people helped her. That people who have chosen to do a job that involves helping vulnerable people (as all public sector jobs do, in one way or another) and then chose to ignore the procedure and legislation and lie and manipulate the situation to give more power to the abuser than the abusee - that bothers me so much more than anything my mum did. And more so because it means we know we don't have a safety net. The services and support systems that are supposed to be there when we need protection or help are so flawed that they can do us more harm than good. Certainly for me, it's what makes me want to keep away from them. And it's a frightening world when you know you can't rely on doctors, the police, social workers, judges and so on to just do their job properly, regardless of their personal feelings about a situation. Very scary.
I guess I'm identifying the whole lack of mindfulness/awareness thing as reason people... all people.... are easily manipulated, and triggered into performing bad acts, and heinous fuckery going against every law, rule, moral boundary... . It's super apparent in life and death situations involving vulnerable members of society... children and victims of domestic violence in all it's forms... financial, emotional, physical, legal... all of them, and that's what I focus on NOW bc it happened TO ME and my children.
If I sat back, and looked around I'd see it everywhere, in all situations, bc it's part of the human condition. Sometimes I'm reactive, and sometimes it's a neighbor, and sometimes it's a police officer, sometimes a FOO member, sometimes my child, or a teacher, or attorney..... everyone benefits from learning skills that build resilience and emotional regulation. I imagine a world where teaching that to all children, and people in positions of authority and trust going forward, and I can see improvement everywhere. I'm hopeful.
So, we did an excercise where I talked about a time I felt empowered, what was I wearing (favorite boots), what color comes up around that (black) how it felt to BE in that space.... I felt in control, remembered the click of my heels, and the purpose in my strides.... always very physical.... I felt that power in my hips.
Then we shifted to a time I felt vulnerable, and at the mercy of. That color was gray... it was dark, and lonely, and I could picture a grey sky framed by leafless black trees.... but gray was the color not feeling worthy.
We put the black in one hand and the gray in the other, T mirroring me, and held them like little balls about a foot apart. The right hand, holding the black... tingled like crazy. The left hand felt lighter. Now, we're sensing how each hand feels... the brain processes in symbols and finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas at the same time, and will make sense of them. I won't bore you with it all, but we moved the hands closer together, and talked about how that felt, and what I saw when I pictured the gray... then pictured the black. What were the changes, etc.
So interesting that it actually creates a physical sensation. Do you think you are more emotionally/spiritually sensitive than an average person or do you think anyone doing this would experience the same thing? it sounds quite incredible. Does if feel scary while you do it?
When I was working out with my martial arts instructor, he gave me a book on Chines medicine that had me seated, hands apart in front of my belly, playing with the feeling created by widening and playing with hand position to feel the energy. It was interesting, and I COULD feel it... above my thighs, between my hands in front of my belly button, it was curious but didn't mean much outside I SAW there was something to ancient Chinese medicine, even if I didn't understand it. That was introduced in martial arts bc we were learning to do harm and trauma to people, and we were required to learn how to heal... the yin and yang principles.
Martial Arts instructor was big on the isms... as he put it. Taoism mainly.
The brain integration work helped understand energetic fields better, bc working on some people created all kinds of tingling and what felt like sparks... some didn't. Having brain integration performed ON me... I could feel energetic work IN my brain, like someone touching my brain, and it was real. Same with a point to the left of my belly button..... and that stabbing pain in my back had me arched up on the table during a session once... I was in terrible pain during a treatment session during a training session.
Everyone has an electrical circuit, Tupp. Some are very sensitive to it, and others aren't. I don't think I'm particularly sensitive. For one thing, during a training session I almost threw up, and got really sick during an intense session performed on another student with a big emotional issue. The instructor moved away, and I almost darted from the room thinking I had food poisoning. Instructor later said she was glad I felt that. I got the feeling she understood I had more sensitivity than she originally thought I did.... backhanded compliment delivered in a weird package, IMO.
Our chakras, and meridians are real, can be tracked scientifically, have been documented in medical journals, and we all have them. I spent a weekend suffering a headache after one brain integration session that was too much work at once... I feel asleep in the bathtub afterwards once, and woke up in cold water. Very odd, but proof work was happening, IME. I also couldn't type as well afterwards, and if I didn't share before... before I traveled I had a session to deal with breathing... I've always been a shallow breather bc of tense stomach muscles, and my feet had issues. The foot part was interesting with improved mobility and pain relief... joints had locked up around old injuries, and unlocking them helped a lot, etc. When we got to the breathing.... that's when I felt that first ligth tough inside my stomach.... like someone was inside, poking. I'm not careful enough with myself, and jumped up to see if there were any differences with the Brain Integration practitioner telling me to go slow.... and I found myself doubled over unable to breathe. It was terrifying. I bet I posted about it here, but I was looking around for relief, about to run out the door when practitioner convinced me to get back on the table.. she'd help me.... and I remember shaking like I shook when the first epidural of my life was too strong, tensed up my muscles so I thought they'd break... it felt like I'd shake myself off the table. That shaking started at the top of my body in this case, and as I resisted it, moved down to my feet, and bounced my feet around, then I fought it back up top... EXHAUSTING and I just couldn't let it be, and have it's way, and release..nope nope nope. Honestly, I think it's the same principle as animals shaking off their trauma.... my nervous system was ready to do that work, and trying..... I just couldn't take that kind of loss of control and fought it. When I went back and asked to repeat that work, ready to relax into it, we couldn't make it happen again.
The work, IME, can be done in different ways, with different people, using different modalities, and on our own. We all have access if we're interested in learning, and practicing, IME. [/b]
When we eventually merged hands my fingers experienced an electrical shock so intense I was surprised there wasn't any noise associated with it. A few fingers actually hurt. We explored the black and feeling empowered, then examined the gray and back and forth... not sure exactly how that went, bc I was trying to FINISH it. Sometimes I go in thinking I'll really pay attention and try to remember what happened, but it never goes that way, bc I can't do both, and I'm there to process as priority.
I was feeling OK when the hour was up, but then.... I wasn't. T used EMDR. I focused on the somatic sensations, which were all neutral... shocking considering the emotional upset, but in these cases I focus on the feelings of neutrality while doing the EMDR. it was really difficult to follow her fingers with my eyes for some reason. Sometimes my tongue wants to help out, but not this time. It was just so darned hard... like my vision wanted to stop on her face. VERY hard to think about bodily sensations and follow the fingers. Each time she stopped and checked in... I felt better. This is called desensitizing, and I can do it on my own.
There was another pass or two with focus on anything that felt pleasant in the body,and I have to say... .just feeling neutral was a very pleasant feeling for me.
Tupp.... it's nice to put the story on the shelf, then do really important work by focusing ONLY on the somatic sensations. I think it takes the retraumatizing factor down to a footnote very quickly, then helps to process the source trauma, but that's what happened last week, and I'll post about that on it's own.
Lighter
'm scrolling down to read the next bit, Lighter :) Lol xx
Yes, exactly the same. It's almost like an out of body experience for me. I know I'm spiraling, I know I'm out of control, I know I'm reacting to something from the past and not from the present - but I can't step in to do anything about it. It's like watching a crash in slow motion, when you can see the cars are going to hit but there's nothing you can do to stop it.
At a point, we bring up the event, and I think about it from beginning to end while doing EMDR. Check-in with how I'm feeling, focus on that and do more EMDR.
It's like we bring up the distress, then calm it down, bring it up, calm it down, and so on. Put numbers on it. In this case, I had a very sharp stabbing pain in my back, left side which is associated with chakras, and being betrayed, in a nutshell. Made sense to me.
Yes, makes sense to me as well.
Next, we go through the story and loop it from beginning to end more than once while doing EMDR, then check in on feelings, and address them with EMDR.
I'm not sure what happens next, so will jot down approximates....
Bring up someone INTO the scenario we look up to, trust, feel protected by and advocated by.... I chose myself, again, grown, calm, and helping everyone in the scene, which was intuitive for me.
It's telling that you choose yourself, Lighter, to stand up for yourself.
I think it helps me to hold my parents with compassion and give them the help they didn't have while raising young children. Their parents didn't know better. Their parents knew they were "special" and IMO my grandparents saw us, the grandchildren, as extensions of their children.... not separate, or worthy of the same gc treatment, certainly. Well, my brother was golden child II on my father's side of the family, but that had all kinds of biases towards men tied in also. My mother's side didn't see any grandchildren as important as my mother.
My mother's figure was more important than breastfeeding babies, for instance.
There was never a question mom would swallow that little pill that made her milk fall out at once. God only knows what they put in those earlier man-made formulas doctors shoved down mother's throats as "better than mother's milk." Asses. See there? I identify that harsh judgment and I do think it points to my inability to release judging myself. It comes and goes, IME.
I went through the story as I wished it had happened, and that went pretty quick, compared to the other stuff. I noticed the original story was getting more difficult to bring into focus when I tried and was just not coming up for me when I tried to picture it as we went along.
Then it was time to put everything/pictures/stories/pain into a box from the original story, or from a set of years, or an entire lifetime, or just an entire childhood, and I chose all the upsetting incidents I could recall, put them in the box, and chose total destruction through burning.
I built the fire in my firepit, and there were family members... everyone close, all deceased, and my siblings when they were younger, and our grandparents and parents comforted sibs and my younger self while I burned the entire box to ashes. Mom served food from a picnic basket.... children napped.... everyone sat in the old-time yard chairs from my Paternal grandparent's yard.
I love that there was a picnic :) Does T talk you through that story or do you create that in your mind?
I'm super private, so I mostly go through these steps on my own, without telling T about it as it happens. I don't think I could speak about it,
bc I'm just THERE, in that place visualizing, and it takes a lot of energy. A LOT of energy. Afterwards, the T always asks questions about how things went, besides asking me about how the feeling in my body changed or didn't change. She wants to know who I picked to be present, what we were doing, if I burned the box of pictures down to complete ash..... she asks for details, but only after I've processed in my own way, in silence, during EMDR to the finish. If she asks for any detail in the middle, I don't remember it, and I think I'd be put off by it, and perhaps thrown out of the moment.
About what the T says when she asks me to choose someone... .she'll say some people select a Saint, or a protective family member, or a superhero, or themselves as an empowered competent adult, and give me choices. I think I just nod when I have it, and I don't necessarily tell her what I picked... maybe after that EMDR moment passes, and we're checking somatic responses she asks.
If I was the T I'd want to know! I'd want more feedback, and this T does ask for it, eventually, but I doubt I'd share much if she didn't gently enquire, and she begins her inquiries by sharing her experience with that kind of session, or of another person's experience or of common experiences which do make me curious,
and engages me from a place of wanting to see how my experience stacks up to other people's. I find myself really interested in hearing more, and I give her something of my experience,and she reciprocates, and it's a give and take.
I would shut down if I felt she was barging into my experience for the sake of entertainment, which used to bother me with my FOO. She gently tip toes around my boundaries in a super respectful, overtly compassionate manner that IMHO is required to get to this place FOR ME. A bossy T, telling me what I MUST DO, how and when would not suit me at all, IME.
Like I said before, I remember more as the sessions go on. Maybe discussions afterwards, with me back in a good place, are what stick, or help the memories stick with more detail, and expanded content?
When the deed was done, I think we got up, and headed toward a bridge to our new lives. At the bridges edge we stopped to empty our pockets of everything from the past that needed to be left behind. I just had us take off all our clothes, and walk across the bridge in white cotton shifts, shorts and tee shirts.
When we got there we explored how that felt, then pictured a fountain.
Babies played in the spray, and grandparents sat on the edge, or in chairs by the side, and I dived in, and twirled, and did backflips in the water over and over... just all in, immersed, and refreshed.
I didn't think about the original story, bc in memory reconsolidation you want to let the new story continue processing as is. Every time we bring up a picture or story it's changed. Never static. It was easy to leave it alone, as it was the first time we did this for a different story..... I'd say I was 4 yo for the first one, and 11yo for the second story.
Those two stories were traced back from current trigger stories, and we worked on them until there was zero emotional charges involved with any aspect of the original story or the present-day triggers we started with.
It's easier to lean into the discomfort of this work when I know and trust it leads to processing the story, and into a serene place of relief, and gratitude it's done. I believe it will last, and so far so good... it's 100% remained in place. Old stories gone.
It's amazing that it's re-wiring your brain like this. And doing physical good, I imagine, by unlocking and unblocking things.
I see it as relieving stress in the brain, bringing up traumatic events, moving them into processing centers/midbrain/feeling areas, checking the somatic input, working on the somatic with EMDR, checking the feelings, presenting the story to the brain again with EMDR, then checking the feelings, and how it looks, what's changed, etc. EMDR on the feelings to further reduce stress, then checking, and we just keep presenting the information to the brain, over and over while relieving stress. We don't move on to the next phase till we get to zeros or near zeros.
New stories in place... I experience so much relief where there was a lot of pain, tough emotions, and painful bodily sensations. Like a thousand pounds lifted. I don't care what the pounds were, or where they went, though I visualize them as
engaging unprocessed emotions in the amygdala....
the T assists with brain integration, helping to bring other parts of the brain online to support the amygdala, relieve tension around the story and in the brain, and make it possible to move that story into the processing center, then present it again and again to be processed until the brain has calmed enough to complete processing and file it into historic files in just the way I would have had that story go IF I HAD CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION.
I can't tell you how satisfying it is to EXPERIENCE that outcome, and process.... just the details that come out of my mouth when asked how I'd rather have had that experience go.... I'm always shocked by the details and direction, and those things come without having to think, typically, or with very little reflection. It feels like just the right answers were always there, waiting.
This is a pretty close approximating, and I didn't remember the fire, or the bridge, or the fountain from the first time we completed this process. It felt like we were doing this for the first time.
Shiftring into fight or flight mode feels a lot like being blindfolded and gagged.... sat on..... forced into a corner..... unable to move or shift out of that space, and it's EVERYTHING.....
I just didn't have the ability to remember those parts of the process when we completed the experience the first time.
I must not have had access to the parts of my brain that create new memories while I was IN that place..... and this time.... that I can remember more.... for me means I've calmed my brain enough to have some restored access during times of intense stress.... of reducing the stress, and it's hoped every time we get through this, along with consistent practice to fire and wire new neural pathways... I'll achieve more resilience, finish processing the unprocessed triggers from most to least powerful, until I'm able to regulate my emotions consistently as default setting. If not, I'll know how to calm myself and move into a place where I can regulate my emotions.
Will be so amazing for you to get to a point where all you're dealing with is right here and right now, Lighter, and being able to put all that energy into creating things that you want, rather than dealing with things that you don't. So amazing and much deserved.
Sometimes when we do check-ins at the end of a session, something will come up... 2 sessions ago it was a T who harmed me and my children... the court-appointed T who terrorized us an entire summer, and made my children fear they'd be taken from me and given to their paternal grandparents in 2013.... THAT woman, the thought of her... that she made my youngest feel responsible for that terror.... is still in place, and T said it's my own self-judgment that's behind that, which shut me up, and made me think.
What does she mean by your self-judgement, Lighter? I was a bit confused by that. It's quite early here :) Lol
T wants me to understand I've always done the best I could in every moment, considering the circumstances, widen my gaze, and understand that everyone is doing their best with that they have. My judging someone else means I haven't dropped judgment. I'm still flipping back into that mode. If I'm judging others, I'm certainly judging myself, and if I'm judging others I haven't widened my gaze to understand all humans are flawed, and doing their best, which relieves me of the need and desire to judge anything or anyone. Things aren't personal. They just are.
Two appointments ago we worked on cutting energetic ties with imaginary scissors. This was about that backstabbing pain again. She associated this with energetic ties between people that keep us joined. She said I could ask higher powers of my choice, that make sense to me, to help. For instance, I could ask a beloved Grandfather to use his pocket knife, so familiar from our fishing trips. Someone who believes in Saints, and is comfortable asking them for help might picture that Saint using a sword to cut that tie, and so on.
Just shutting down the cycle is an amazing thing. Bringing my attention to it.... and knocking the stuffing out of rage that's building and building... is an amazing thing.
Yesterday T told the story of monks burying a golden buddha in mud when their village was ransacked and overtaken by an enemy. Years later, after all the monks were gone, a child saw the glint of gold, leading to uncovering this beautiful buddha, and that reminded me of Tupp.
Lol, I often look in the mirror and think I look like I've been dug up, Lighter :) Lol
Today I honestly considered getting dreadlocks. For real, lol. I'm questioning my idea of what I should look like, and what society tells me I should look like. Widening my gaze; )
Just clearing out all the mud, and garbage, and judgments other people installed when we weren't able to defend ourselves, or make sense of it at the time.
Now that we're adults, and capable of defending ourselves.... and in my case, with help from a good T maybe to show me how, and keep me focused....
we uninstall the garbage, and remember what was always there.
And that brings me back to the gray black excercise. We're reconsolidating and changing the garbage stories INTO the original truth.
It's not hard. It's not a difficult process. It's relieving stress in the brain so the brain can do what it does efficiently WHEN IT'S NOT STUCK IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE/amygdala/reptilian brain. We're remembering what's been there from the start, and will always be there.
One last thing about yesterday's appointment.... I didn't realize I held some of the beliefs around the story of my ASPD N husband, and the first night he assaulted me and I thought I would be killed while listening to my oldest 4yo dd call our for me.... THAT is something I've never processed, and thinking about it was like experiencing someone else's feelings and thoughts about it, bc I just haven't done it. Ever.
Terrifying, Lighter, and more so because of the kids. I had one aggressive incident with son's father. He had me backed against a wall and was screaming in my face - not physically touching, but very aggressive, very violent, very unpleasant. Son was asleep in his cot, very young at the time, but what was going through my mind was that I could easily get away from this idiot and get out the front door - but I couldn't easily get away, get up the stairs, get son, get back down the stairs and get past him to get out the front door with son in my arms. I have more experiences of being trapped, thinking I'd die, while frantically trying to think my way OUT of the house, with my purse, with my car keys, with my children.... just not die, and which door I might get to, and the desperate acceptance I'd have to go without the girls or we'd all be done, and these racing terrible truths... that I'd never be able to outrun him in the street, or to the door.... putting the butcher block between us, then the dining room table... and I could have circled forever, bc not circling was death. I think I'll be working on this stuff in the next session, and it's not scary. I lean in bc I want to release the energy tying me to it, and be free of it. I deserve to be free of it, and that's the mission now; ) And if I got out I wouldn't have any feeds, nappies or a change of clothes for son, either. Once I dreamed a nuclear blast was heading towards us, and I was getting things together for after we were killed by it. I got diapers, and clean foot in jammies together, and it felt SO real. The mommy imperative... the desire to care for our young... to attend to them is so strong. In some of us anyway. Not all. It makes a huge difference when your kids are being exposed to that level of violence as well. I think all violence is detrimental to the children. The statistics say exposure to parent on parent violence is just as detrimental as experiencing the violence for children. We were, as children, although with us it was usually my mum attacking my dad. Makes it a much harder thing to deal with and yes, processing will be tough. For me, the physical assault was devastating, and threat to my children all but shut me down emotionally, and physically. I don't know what the massage T did, but he hurt me quite badly in order to get my lungs working again. I think something was locked, and pressing into my lungs, as I recall. It's all a blurr. Interpersonal terrorism should be reevaluated, IMO. The same way the courts changed their view of chokeholds... terrorizing dependent family members and children should be reevaluated with stiffer mandatory punishments that deter, or stop abusers in their tracks bc they're in jail, trying to get bond, IN a system that's difficult to get out of once they're in. Take some of the pay off OUT of the equation. Educating everyone, so those abused are more likely to report the first or second assault... teaching people what abuse looks like, etc. So many people are raised in abusive homes, it feels and IS normal to them. Honestly, men hitting little children, and babies for heaven's sake. Why would we allow that, particularly female children? I never wanted that to be my children's normal... being hit by men who are supposed to love and protect them. That's just nuts It never made any sense to me when I started researching discipline, and really LOOKED at my childhood, and how most people in this culture approach child discipline. I taught my girls no one had the right to put hands on them in anger. They shouldn't accept name-calling, raised voices, or word salad when engaged or trying to engage in discussions. But such a relief, I would have thought. You might need to change your name from Lighter to Lightest :) Lol
You know, that's a great idea, ((Tupp!))
Lighter
I didn't recognize my own belief system about it. I'd never asked myself, or allowed myself to process it.
It's time, and that one thing leads to a hundred, IME.
The journey continues.
Lighter
Phew! A lot of work, Lighter, but so rewarding! I am thinking I might look for an EMDR therapist to help me process everything that comes up as I tackle my paperwork mountain next year. 32 boxes and lever arch files, all representing nearly two decades of abuse, inequality and repeated experiences. Mmm. Might be worth investing in some practical support to get through that. I will look into it further. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I'm glad you are finding it all so useful xx
Thanks, Hops: )
When I think of getting to a more peaceful place, I think of getting my face off the glass.
I was used to having my face pressed up against the glass for years, and I was used to getting my face OFF the glass. One thing I never understood, until recently........
there were two sides to the glass.
I had choices... I could step back, and gain the same perspective I'd always had..... or I could lean into the glass/pain/discomfort, drop judgment, and.....
fall through to awareness around where that pain started.
I just had no idea, and it still feels like one of those tricks of SEEING a stereogram. You can't see it from just anywhere...... focused just any way. It takes practice, and I hope I'm not jinxing myself; )
The journey continues, and thanks for all the support, wisdom, and patience you've shared with me and the board through the years, ((Hops.))
Lighter
Now I REALLY want to experience Reiki. I didn't see T last week. Forgot she had a retreat. I'm asking this week; )
Tupp, as I moved through my morning ablutions I thought about how my days are different since beginning T.
I noticed zero emotional charge when I moved a file off my bed. Normally, there's a chemical dump, and that sets the tone for the rest of my day. I could have been touching a spoon or laundry... just nothing. It was great!
Writing about it now, I think of it as shuffling a huge deck of cards, pulling out jokers as I go.... with the goal of removing all the jokers. The jokers aren't good or bad. They're just not necessary for the games I want to play now.
I needed those jokers for games I used to pay. They aren't good or bad. They no longer serve. The jokers are unprocessed memories, sensations and emotions... stories I guess, and it's just time for them to go.
OK... I'm going to deliver rambutans to the boy recovering from leukemia... 3 flats, his favorites, yum! This is a miracle, and we're so grateful he's responding to treatment in the best possible way: )
Lighter
I have had interesting chats with the acupuncturist guy about all these sorts of things and I do think some people's brains are just wired differently and function better in different ways. We were talking about that thing about acceptance - just accepting the situation you're in and not fighting against it. But I immediately think of all the injustice and inequality that I think we should fight hard not to accept and to just go with. So for me I kind of take what I want from these things now and leave the bits that don't work for me. At the minute I'm finding it easier to cope with stress because I can channel my anger or frustration or whatever into moving and/or setting up some work from home. I have another goal to work towards, which helps me cope. Before I felt like whatever I did drilled me deeper into the pit and if I focused on that I just fell in a bit more. So I have no idea why it helps some people and not others :) But just wanted you to know you're not the only one it doesn't work miracles for :) Lol xx
Hi, Tupp:
The little man was home from school, in discomfort from freshly installed port in his chest. He didn't notice the rambutans, but he will; )
I didn't realize he's in for 3 years of chemo.... the father said it's WEEKLY chemo. That's 3 hours on the road IF traffic is perfect then add the treatment and wait times.... just daunting. I had no idea.
I the meantime, he has a new puppy... white with big black symmetrical inkspot marks that make him look like a wonderful Rorschach test... with one black spotted eye. Just lovely, and he has 3 flats of rambutans under the Christmas tree.
Lighter
Last 2 T appts were very meh. I wasn't sure why, but today was the first day I've felt OK since the island.
Sister has flu now and said it came with debilitating depression. I so identify with that as the last of my cough is about done... I think it took the low feelings with it.
I worked in the house doing floors, cleaning cabinet doors, fridge interior, laundry, stripping beds and making carrot ginger soup with carrots so big and amazing they look like they could be from the movie SPIRITED AWAY or the PETER RABBIT stories.
I roasted beets (beautiful) and steamed broccoli. Really love broccoli cooked that way. Craving it in soup.
The moss is loving the rain... just an amazing spring green, all of it.
I've been limping along, getting to mechanic, putting Christmas lights away, filling house with meals we can eat for days while waiting for the flu to release it's grip.
Found a T for dd. We've been shopping them, and this is number 5.
::crossing fingers::.
Lighter
I find myself leaning into curiosity, again, without judgment or any expectation. Radical acceptance without any emotional reactivity other than happy to understand more about it. I don't have any desire to learn FROM IT... for future use. To discern the past. I simply don't care to draw any conclusions about it.
It's interesting to notice when I'm going from one distraction to another and missing the moments between thoughts. Sometimes I smile and nod to myself... THAT's the thoughts and living in the future RIGHT THERE... and I pull it back to what's around me... think about my breathing.... the shapes and colores around me.
Things feel less disjointed as I SEE the different pieces, become more familiar with them... internalize the process of noticing as habit and BEING.
I was pretty tense around planning and packing for boat trip to island coming up.
And then I put it down. It's going to be what it is... worry worry worry or no worrying.
It's better to be right HERE, right now. There's pleasure and flow in doing what's in front of me, without worrying about what comes next, kwim?
That's where the joy is.
Right...
in....
THIS moment.
::breathing deeply::
Yup yup yup: )
Lighter
Tupp:
I think partly it was the prep for court, but also just the hyper-vigilant state of BEING. We had to live with every consequence, which was out of our control, so we became hyper-focused on everything we could control.
Yes, I can identify with that, Lighter. I think also, with parenting (from the perspective of your parenting being questioned), anything you do can be portrayed as a negative, depending on the perspective of someone else. Take your daughter's recent sleepy day off. Some would say that's good parenting - you're encouraging healthcare, appreciating the need to rest, allowing her to make her own choices (thereby encouraging independence in adulthood). And so on. Whereas some would argue she should have been forced in - a day off encourages laziness, a lack of responsibility, an attitude of not bothering, and so on. And I think, when you know that anything you do can be used against you, if someone else wants to make it a negative, that hypervigilent state sees you covering all possible bases and it's exhausting. Yes, I'm nodding!
T and I talked about food stuff at last appt. It was't about what I thought it would be about, I'll say that. More about control and feeling unworthy balled up together.
Yes, that makes sense to me, too. If I cook from scratch, I'm a good mum. If I stick a pizza in the ove, I'm lazy and don't care about his health. That's how I feel about myself so I can understand that it's about control and needing to be worthy. Yes.
While packing yesterday I notice that old familiar sense of urgency creep in. I noticed it, banished it or didn't and went on. Banishing is better. Much better. This moring has been pure joy in motion... just focused solely on ONE thing at a time, in the present... so nice.
Yes, it almost feels like if you acknowledge it's there, it won't keep banging on the window asking to be let in?
I hope the new pathways, old business filed away in historic files (no longer creating the reactivity that USED to pop up in those areas) and being aware... able to choose something else (most of the time, not ALL the time) is working itself into a new way of BEING in the world. Of SEEING and FEELING and, more than anything, of cutting out the chatter maybe.....
like I'm a firewall maybe? At some point, maybe the firewall will simply be that open amazing field my T keeps referring to..... SO MUCH SPACE.... and there won't be much chatter or judgment to deal with at all. And I'll BE that open spacious grassy field with a view of all the trees and pebbles and flowers without effort.
Maybe there will be automatic acceptance and curiosity about EVERYTHING..... maybe?
Imagine being in that state almost all of the time, Lighter - so freeing and easy? Oh, that's what's happening, is it? How interesting! And then just getting on with what you're doing. Sounds almost yogi like? How nice :)
Last night I was tired and about to sleep when I felt a little weird... not bad or good, just weird. I thought.... Is this what my Dad had? A little brain bleed and will it kill me or leave me recovering from a stroke? It's hereditary.
The interesting part of that, from my perspective, is I wasn't worried or frightened or upset or wishing I'd done A, B and C that day.... I was just at peace with it and curious what would come next. Truly. Curious. No stomach flip at the thought. It was acceptance.... as default. I guess. It felt so much better than what I think of as my "normal" response.
That is interesting, Lighter, although I'm glad it wasn't a stroke! But yes, nicer to have a calm reaction than an immediately panicked one.
BTW, I think my brain was adjusting to 12-hour fasts AND small amounts of nutrition-dense foods....salads and bone broths with lots of water(sprinkled with a little pink salt) taken with anti-inflammatories.
Yes, makes sense that might be shifting things around a little.
I've also been stretching ANYTIME I stand up and feel a bit stiff. I refuse to walk funny ONE MORE STEP. I don't care where I am or who sees.... I STRETCH and that takes care of the stiffness.
I've been doing the same! How funny! Stretching at the bus stop, stretching on the bus, at the cinema, in the queue at the shop. We were in a shop during the week and son told me to stop dancing - I was bopping around to the music in the shop and hadn't noticed. When we went to the arcade yesterday son was in once of those racing games, the one where you sit inside a car and race? I sat in the passenger seat and read my book - wasn't thinking about what other people would think if they saw me. Taking care of self - it's a new one, isn't it??!
My left hip started creeking earlier this week... meaning I noticed some hinkiness with lifting left knee, which was a problem this time last year. The stretches I got from the book PAIN FREE fixed it, more precisely so that's a no brainer.... DO THAT.
I gave a copy of the book to my neighbor whose overcoming catastrophic illness, and I'm curious to see how he feels about it and if he tries it. I'm not sure if he can read well or at all... he lost his good eye during the illness, had a stroke, lost a lot of skin and some ligaments.... other things, but he's a warrior and mostly engaged in Western medicine to gut his way back... had his colostomy reversed, but expressing huge interest in "alternative" ideas at this point, for the first time. He's "awake" now.
The book PAIN FREE by Pete Egoscue is a big deal with alternative med practitioners... .there's a clinic near my very active friend who suffers from cartilage loss (major loss) in his shoulders mostly, but knees too and he still... he plays high-level tennis, bikes 60 miles a week average, swims, works out with weights used to compete in Jujitsu... triathlons, monitors his sleep with his fit bit, etc. He's been going to his ortho guy, getting death shots, discussing surgery while I've been saying GO TO THE EGOSCUE CLINIC and just see what they have to say! You're lucky to live a half-hour away from them, GO! They'll align all the joints in your body and you can start building the cartilege back! But noooo... he wouldn't do it until his orthopedic surgeon told him to, lol.
Last week his ortho guy told him to try Egoscue.
The active friend called to say he made that appt. They asked him some interesting questions....
"Did he have a fear of snakes?" I thought that was very interesting, yes yes yes.
He went on..
"How did he feel about shrunken heads?"
Well that tells you how friend really feels about it. He's joking now, but honestly... I think he's desperate and Western meds done all it can without making jello of the joints, which happens sometimes before folks get to Egoscue.
I have no feelings about it either way and I have to say... last year this time I would have felt resentment and frustration over his refusal to make that appointment a year ealier. Now... 3 years after i began suggesting it.... he goes bc his Ortho told him to. That he's done more damage and not begun treating the cause and building back those joints.....
feels.....
almost neutral for me. There was a small shot of heat through my stomach, but I think it was almost my expectation I'd feel something negative.
I don't.
This is huge progress, IMO. I used to worry about his joints, and fret and neeeed him to make that appointment. That's changed.
This is ringing so many bells with m, Lighter, I have always felt so obliged to share anything that might help with anyone that might benefit from it and then feel dejected if they don't rush off to do it or if it doesn't work for them. And I just haven't been this time. I know loads of people who might well benefit from this EMDR - but I'm finding I'm thinking, they know I'm doing it, I'm talking about all the ways it's helping me. If that pings a recognition in them that it might help them and they want to ask me about it, then I'm happy to talk. But I feel like I want to save my energy for me now, and people who want to take it further themselves, rather than trying to rescue everyone around me. We're putting on our own life jackets before fastening other people's now, maybe?
I'm limiting my radio/tv severely. I notice I go to turn them on without thinking about it. NOT turning them on refocuses me and helps dial in what's going on inside. Things pop up. I breathe mindfully often throughout the day, which IME is a game-changer.
I haven't been doing that but I might give it a go now you've mentioned it!
The boat trip will be sometime in the next 5 days... depending on weather. I'm not keen on loading the boat down then taking off in high seas, nope nope nope. I'll get wet no matter what's going on, but want things to be relatively calm and sunny. Brother said 20 foot waves are 40 feet tall. DID I post that already? That's super interesting to me. I have a fascination with the ocean, some fear and lots of wonder. My hope is to learn how to drive the boat, handle it in any conditions and make the trip myself. I think I'll know pretty quickly if it's my thing or not. WOO HOO! Deep sea fishing again soon! Not much, and only Queen Trigger fish.... so much fun. Better than lobster, SO GOOD.
That, for me, is bravery in its highest form! The thought of a forty foot wave has me getting as far away from any pool of water that may be anywhere near me :) Lol, I will be glad for you to make the journey on calm seas, Lighter, with some fishing and beautiful sunsets to enjoy, no storms to cope with! Do you ever get seasick?
The journey continues.
Lighter
I think you're spot on with the metaphor, Tupp. Also, we can view life and the sea and what comes next as friendly or unfriendly. I I'm choosing friendly!Tupp:
I think partly it was the prep for court, but also just the hyper-vigilant state of BEING. We had to live with every consequence, which was out of our control, so we became hyper-focused on everything we could control.
Yes, I can identify with that, Lighter. I think also, with parenting (from the perspective of your parenting being questioned), anything you do can be portrayed as a negative, depending on the perspective of someone else. Take your daughter's recent sleepy day off. Some would say that's good parenting - you're encouraging healthcare, appreciating the need to rest, allowing her to make her own choices (thereby encouraging independence in adulthood). And so on. Whereas some would argue she should have been forced in - a day off encourages laziness, a lack of responsibility, an attitude of not bothering, and so on. And I think, when you know that anything you do can be used against you, if someone else wants to make it a negative, that hypervigilent state sees you covering all possible bases and it's exhausting. Yes, I'm nodding! Well those days of being judged and attacked are gone now, Tupp. We're safe.
Our nervous systems will shake it off when we feel safe. We'll leave it behind, where it belongs.
T and I talked about food stuff at last appt. It was't about what I thought it would be about, I'll say that. More about control and feeling unworthy balled up together.
Yes, that makes sense to me, too. If I cook from scratch, I'm a good mum. If I stick a pizza in the ove, I'm lazy and don't care about his health. That's how I feel about myself so I can understand that it's about control and needing to be worthy. Yes.
While packing yesterday I notice that old familiar sense of urgency creep in. I noticed it, banished it or didn't and went on. Banishing is better. Much better. This moring has been pure joy in motion... just focused solely on ONE thing at a time, in the present... so nice.
Yes, it almost feels like if you acknowledge it's there, it won't keep banging on the window asking to be let in? Yup... we tend to it. Ask it what it has to say..... coming to our senses.... what do we feel? Where is it in the body? Breathe into.... calm it down and go back to the present moment. That's how I experience it lately.
I hope the new pathways, old business filed away in historic files (no longer creating the reactivity that USED to pop up in those areas) and being aware... able to choose something else (most of the time, not ALL the time) is working itself into a new way of BEING in the world. Of SEEING and FEELING and, more than anything, of cutting out the chatter maybe.....
like I'm a firewall maybe? At some point, maybe the firewall will simply be that open amazing field my T keeps referring to..... SO MUCH SPACE.... and there won't be much chatter or judgment to deal with at all. And I'll BE that open spacious grassy field with a view of all the trees and pebbles and flowers without effort.
Maybe there will be automatic acceptance and curiosity about EVERYTHING..... maybe?
Imagine being in that state almost all of the time, Lighter - so freeing and easy? Oh, that's what's happening, is it? Why YES, TUPP.
I think it is: ) How interesting! And then just getting on with what you're doing. Sounds almost yogi like? How nice :) It's joy and energy and flow too!
Last night I was tired and about to sleep when I felt a little weird... not bad or good, just weird. I thought.... Is this what my Dad had? A little brain bleed and will it kill me or leave me recovering from a stroke? It's hereditary.
The interesting part of that, from my perspective, is I wasn't worried or frightened or upset or wishing I'd done A, B and C that day.... I was just at peace with it and curious what would come next. Truly. Curious. No stomach flip at the thought. It was acceptance.... as default. I guess. It felt so much better than what I think of as my "normal" response.
That is interesting, Lighter, although I'm glad it wasn't a stroke! But yes, nicer to have a calm reaction than an immediately panicked one.
BTW, I think my brain was adjusting to 12-hour fasts AND small amounts of nutrition-dense foods....salads and bone broths with lots of water(sprinkled with a little pink salt) taken with anti-inflammatories.
Yes, makes sense that might be shifting things around a little.
I've also been stretching ANYTIME I stand up and feel a bit stiff. I refuse to walk funny ONE MORE STEP. I don't care where I am or who sees.... I STRETCH and that takes care of the stiffness.
I've been doing the same! How funny! Stretching at the bus stop, stretching on the bus, at the cinema, in the queue at the shop. We were in a shop during the week and son told me to stop dancing - I was bopping around to the music in the shop and hadn't noticed. When we went to the arcade yesterday son was in once of those racing games, the one where you sit inside a car and race? I sat in the passenger seat and read my book - wasn't thinking about what other people would think if they saw me. Taking care of self - it's a new one, isn't it??! Yes... it's new BUT it's also not something I'm thinking about, planning or trying to make happen.... this time. It's just flow INTO doing without thoughts about anything else. I don't think about helping others in those moments. It's complete immersion without distraction. I know I'm a good person, but I'm a better person when I take care of myself first, consistently.... and that comes and goes... that state of being..... without thinking.
My left hip started creeking earlier this week... meaning I noticed some hinkiness with lifting left knee, which was a problem this time last year. The stretches I got from the book PAIN FREE fixed it, more precisely so that's a no brainer.... DO THAT.
I gave a copy of the book to my neighbor whose overcoming catastrophic illness, and I'm curious to see how he feels about it and if he tries it. I'm not sure if he can read well or at all... he lost his good eye during the illness, had a stroke, lost a lot of skin and some ligaments.... other things, but he's a warrior and mostly engaged in Western medicine to gut his way back... had his colostomy reversed, but expressing huge interest in "alternative" ideas at this point, for the first time. He's "awake" now.
The book PAIN FREE by Pete Egoscue is a big deal with alternative med practitioners... .there's a clinic near my very active friend who suffers from cartilage loss (major loss) in his shoulders mostly, but knees too and he still... he plays high-level tennis, bikes 60 miles a week average, swims, works out with weights used to compete in Jujitsu... triathlons, monitors his sleep with his fit bit, etc. He's been going to his ortho guy, getting death shots, discussing surgery while I've been saying GO TO THE EGOSCUE CLINIC and just see what they have to say! You're lucky to live a half-hour away from them, GO! They'll align all the joints in your body and you can start building the cartilege back! But noooo... he wouldn't do it until his orthopedic surgeon told him to, lol.
Last week his ortho guy told him to try Egoscue.
The active friend called to say he made that appt. They asked him some interesting questions....
"Did he have a fear of snakes?" I thought that was very interesting, yes yes yes.
He went on..
"How did he feel about shrunken heads?"
Well that tells you how friend really feels about it. He's joking now, but honestly... I think he's desperate and Western meds done all it can without making jello of the joints, which happens sometimes before folks get to Egoscue.
I have no feelings about it either way and I have to say... last year this time I would have felt resentment and frustration over his refusal to make that appointment a year ealier. Now... 3 years after i began suggesting it.... he goes bc his Ortho told him to. That he's done more damage and not begun treating the cause and building back those joints.....
feels.....
almost neutral for me. There was a small shot of heat through my stomach, but I think it was almost my expectation I'd feel something negative.
I don't.
This is huge progress, IMO. I used to worry about his joints, and fret and neeeed him to make that appointment. That's changed.
This is ringing so many bells with m, Lighter, I have always felt so obliged to share anything that might help with anyone that might benefit from it and then feel dejected if they don't rush off to do it or if it doesn't work for them. And I just haven't been this time. I know loads of people who might well benefit from this EMDR - but I'm finding I'm thinking, they know I'm doing it, I'm talking about all the ways it's helping me. If that pings a recognition in them that it might help them and they want to ask me about it, then I'm happy to talk. But I feel like I want to save my energy for me now, and people who want to take it further themselves, rather than trying to rescue everyone around me. We're putting on our own life jackets before fastening other people's now, maybe?
I'm limiting my radio/tv severely. I notice I go to turn them on without thinking about it. NOT turning them on refocuses me and helps dial in what's going on inside. Things pop up. I breathe mindfully often throughout the day, which IME is a game-changer.
I haven't been doing that but I might give it a go now you've mentioned it!OK... so the TV and radio are mostly OFF. I listen to Eckhart Tolle.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi3d0Maed68&feature=youtu.be
this was the one I listened to while cleaning the tub... I mean... I detailed that tub.
It was wonderful. I took apart the handle and bleached it.... took apart the drain and cleared/bleached it. All down to the surfaces.
Another HUGE thing about not having the TV on is.... I find I don't have the urge to eat so much. TV on.... there's almost an underlying tension of need and desire to figure out something to eat..... and I mean constant. TV OFF... I don't notice hunger or desire to put food in my mouth. I find I'm enjoying that almost empty feeling again in my life while making mindful choices when I'm truly hungry. If the TV is off I'm likely to put on a pot of bone and veggie broth and have several cups through the day then a super large salad or two..... and I'm OK again. But once that TV goes on....it feels like Pavlov's dogs.... IS there a message coming through the tv.... eat eat consume eat OR am I just used to a pattern of behaviors? Not sure, but it's a no brainer to keep the TV off when I'm practicing mindful eating.
I also like moving through my day when it's quiet, which is new. I guess I could put a beloved familiar movie on, as background... I don't watch... it's just noise, but..... I'm curious what I'll find in the between the noise and thoughts.
The boat trip will be sometime in the next 5 days... depending on weather. I'm not keen on loading the boat down then taking off in high seas, nope nope nope. I'll get wet no matter what's going on, but want things to be relatively calm and sunny. Brother said 20 foot waves are 40 feet tall. DID I post that already? That's super interesting to me. I have a fascination with the ocean, some fear and lots of wonder. My hope is to learn how to drive the boat, handle it in any conditions and make the trip myself. I think I'll know pretty quickly if it's my thing or not. WOO HOO! Deep sea fishing again soon! Not much, and only Queen Trigger fish.... so much fun. Better than lobster, SO GOOD.
That, for me, is bravery in its highest form! The thought of a forty foot wave has me getting as far away from any pool of water that may be anywhere near me :) Lol, I will be glad for you to make the journey on calm seas, Lighter, with some fishing and beautiful sunsets to enjoy, no storms to cope with! Do you ever get seasick? I was a car sick kid, but I don't recall being seasick. Reading in the car is a big NO NO. Being on the boat, the last trip... no problem at all, thank God.
The journey continues.
Lighter
I am really glad all of this is unfolding for you, Lighter. I shall keep a picture in my mind of you on a boat, with the sun on your back and a clear and calm ocean in front of you :) It's a good metaphor for life, I think :) xx
I want to jot down stuff I've been noticing and working on.
Being heard is huge for me now. Speaking with a calm steady voice, not getting emotional and speaking so I feel heard. Sometimes things come out harsh, in my father's words... with his delivery..... and it's like a blunt object falling.
That's not my way, but it's coming out when I can't find a way and get frustrated. I see that. I notice I don't want to do that. I can speak without getting frustrated going forward....and that's about feeling entitled to be heard, have voice and take care of myself. It's my job. I'm supposed to do that. It's not up for debate or discussion. I get to do that. People can listen or not, but there are consequences.
I get to state boundaries and consequences for overstepping. I get to enforce those boundaries. There's no question that I will or won't. It's just how it is. No fretting or worrying about it now.
I'll handle responses, protests and whining as it comes up and it will come up. That's OK as long as I don't have to control what others believe or gain their understanding. I don't need to.
How I feel and what I understand is the important piece in this.
I feel closer to sibs for the effort to speak up.
I feel understood, like I'm in charge of getting my needs met and will get them met.
I don't need others to understand or be OK. I want them to be OK, of course, but that doesn't determine my mental stability.
I'm responding (more often) and reacting less. It takes no getting used to. It's just a change.
Lighter
That's BIG, Lighter!
About the voice control and demeanor, and not channeling father. Bravo. Yup yup yup yup. It feels super important right now.
I notice that you often mention consequences. Knowing your background in martial arts, I'm sure you mention them in the same calm, unthreatening way. It might be challenging to NOT see dialogue or emotional interactions with loved ones in terms of BATTLE.
I never engage in battles and this speaking up for myself, even in my father's words, is new for me.... or so it seems. Typically I just leave. Having kids meant I COULD speak up, easily and often when necessary, bc it was for my kids. Speaking up for myself is different, but getting easier with coaches like you and examples to help drive the info home.
Probably the most important consequences in drawing boundaries, in my experience, don't have a ton to do with others (except of course with kids). But mostly, I think, the most valuable consequences are for the self. Such as: I think I've been talking about boundaries and reading about boundaries and watching others deal with boundaries BUT without realizing how difficult it is to do when I'm in reactive mode. I haven't sussed out reactive vs responsive till recently and so...... the topic of boundaries has taken on a new heft and weight. They're very real and accessible. I didn
I didn't understand how the "light switch" flipping WAS REALLY being stuck or not stuck in reactive amygdala brain. All the talking in the world, understanding, making up mantras just couldn't penetrate and take hold... grow.... internalize and become default and I couldn't understand why. Knowing why is helpful. Knowing it still comes and goes, as it is now.... I'm having a moment.... the kids see me spilling things... 3 things in 30 minutes and so I STOP, put down glass and liquids and breathe. Post. Examine what's going on internally. Think about how difficult it is to remember or utilize boundaries when in fight or flight.
--This dialogue is feeling toxic or borderline abusive to me. My consequence for myself is that I will say, "I am feeling frustrated so I'm going to take a half-hour for a walk. We can continue when I get back." (Or, later today, whatever....)Ya..... I have more trouble disengaging when I'm dealing with younger sib. There are certain people I've never walked away from, still have to fight the codependence stuff. I can usually identify the projections and exaggerations... but it's hard to take a break. I'll think about that. I understand it's a good choice and appreciate your writing it out here.
--This person (non family) does not appear to be hearing me. I will state my request (same calm tone) two more times. If it's not responded to, I will say: "This is not satisfactory to me. I will find someone in a management role to see how to get it resolved." (And then exit.)I can HEAR this more clearly now.... practice it proactively.... make a habit of it.
Stuff like that. If there is any risk of internally confusing "consequence" with "punishment", it might be best to make the first priority defining consequences for the self. That de-escalates most conflicts, I think. It helps not to live in battle mode.
You know I make all this up, right? Just my opinions. But they do come from years of pondering and thinking about boundaries, fwiw. I wrote a big response to this post... I think it went away? I don't see it on the board.
Anyway, I have a situation with a father at our school sending Instagram messages to underage girls..... I'll DO something about it, just not sure what yet.
AND a mother is asking me to take her child in, during this viral thing, and keep him in school, care for him bc her immune system is compromised and she doesn't want to get sick if he brings it home.
I have a child already going to school, pretty much same classes, so she figures I'm already IN IT.... it won't matter if her child is here. I have conflicted feelings about that... not in the feeding and staying on him with school work... getting him to school and home but with the questins.... WHAT IF HE DOES become ill? I think it's a mistake to think about it while I'm still shooting adrenaline from oldest dd driving to the store (girls decided to buy rice, beans and tp, just in case) so it's just a very difficult day I'm not comfortable making big decisions around. Will see T tomorrow so I'm giving self permission to let things simmer till then.
Thanks for responses, Hops.
Lighter
Hugs and kudos,
Hops
Today it gently rained nonstop. The moss is happy and green. I would have pulled weeds, but I didn't want to be in the rain today. Sometimes I do.
Walking meditation for me today was cleaning the kitchen. I mean... I cleaned under the stove, put away clean pots and pans sitting out for days which requires organization.... cleaned floors and counters which means things get cleaned deep into corners and rinsed.
I and clean fridge out tomorrow.... Thursday is trash day. Groceries coming Friday.... or so I think. T appointment and I should have written down what I wanted to talk about bc there was something... and now I'm drawing a blank.
I think my bra is too tight to think clearly.
Yup, that was it. I remember now.
Lighter
I'm all about boots and sandals, Tupp.
Lighter: )
Appointment with T today a good one.
It's difficult to widen one's gaze to the point of BEING the sky watching clouds go by.
It comes and goes. Main message....
just let the clouds be.....
just let it be.
Breathe.
The mind wants to work on those things and will IF we allow it..
like a self-cleaning oven....
the clouds will turn to mist and be gone.
Refusing to give our attention to the worrisome things means we free our minds up to focus on being present....breathing... allowing the brain to function as it was meant to.
Looking down on the world and what we label as good and bad gives us the ability to just notice them without judgment, which is really really REALLY hard sometimes for me.
I understand latching onto the negative/evil/bad stories means we're less capable of responding. This I understand. This makes sense.
The world will always have light and dark. There can be no other way. Accepting that, accepting we can't control or change it..... learning to change the way we see it is all we can do and that brings more peace and happiness in our consciousness. More peace and happiness in one person's consciousness is a part of everything... we aren't separate.
It's not easy to keep this in focus but...
all we can do is work on ourselves and internal worlds.
I asked about the Tibetan idea of the afterlife and there was much about hot boiling caldrons of oil, and of being beaten BEFORE suffering the hot cauldron of oil, and many many levels of torment and punishment that did go on. At some point we talked about the hells on earth. I'm still not clear on the original question and answers but am positive the amazing feeling of dropping into awareness..... of the joy and smiles it brings to my face, is something I wish to expand on and cultivate, particularly during this time.
I can do THAT.
I have a couple of books I plan to get to... Budhha brain being one.
T saw the yard and what I work on.... she didn't realize the yard is all moss, every inch of it. One of my favorite things in the yard is cleaning up edges and borders. Today is sunny and mild and breezy and THAT's what I'm going to do for a couple hours..... I consider it a treat.
Lighter
I understand latching onto the negative/evil/bad stories means we're less capable of responding. This I understand. This makes sense.
Clothes washer was shut down when I woke up this morning. Things were going so well, too. I called the repair guy and he'll be out Monday or Tuesday to look at washer and the stove top.... replace one of the heating elements. Maybe he'll have a better stove for me instead. This one is out of production, but has a downdraft, which I need. Maybe I can find a newer one for the same money as a new heating element. I guess repair guys are considered essential workers, cause he's very busy.
The new moss friend texted her day was going really well. Yesterday she was upset over something she resolved. Helping her is like working on a lovely Japanese garden....bc her's is very Japanese, while mine is more of a mountain wood moss garden. It's more creativity, more interest and more fun.
I think it might go down to freezing tonight. It was cold this morning so put a pot of ham and bean soup to cook..... will make GF cornbread from King Auther SO GOOD.
Also made a Szechuan noodle dish with pork.... there's enough food for several days. I can focus on other things this weekend.
Happy Good Friday... Happy Easter.
Lighter
Wash machine needs replacing. Could fix it....control panel going. The bearings making funny noises too. Maybe 800.00 in parts alone. That's nuts. Will look for another very soon.....and shop for a few groceries when I do.
Repair guy will check on stove parts and get back to me, I've been checking parts and they're super pricey. Might look for newer stove.
The moss is happy for the rain, but covered in storm debris. I'm working in short bursts. It's not bad. It's not feeling good either.
Lighter
I'm hungrier in the evenings, Tupp.
Since we aren't cooking rice and lentils and beans all the time I feel better, but I sometimes hurt myself with food...meaning I eat too much.... too much dairy and sugar.
The neighbor is pushing me to teach him to punch properly.... he's come so far, but..... watching him stretch a bit was a wake-up call.... he's still so compromised. Some ligaments and muscles were destroyed... larger ones I didn't know about. I can build him up, and make his stronger. That appeals ot me. I wonder if that's a healthy thing or a codependent thing.
It feels like a healthy thing for both of us, but it informs me...... sometimes good feelings set off alarm bells for me.
Maybe part of it was how hard he was pushing me. How little he understands about nutrition, but believes he knows a lot..... his idea of good nutrition is not drinking cokes all day if he's going to drink beer in the afternoon, so....... it's a bit frustrating and I'm really not in a mood to explain or discuss it. I was impatient with him today when he kept on and on. He's one of those type A driven men who acts, and doesn't listen. I don't mind having the discussions if it goes both ways. I don't think think he can hear me. That dampens my mood to train him. I won't be lectured. I will bounce ideas and experiences back and forth.
Lighter
I used to think of discomfort and pain as messengers... something's out of balance. Something needs to change. I need to make a move.
Now I think of it as feedback.... something more useful than a messenger even.
That's my thought for today.
I'm interested in what comes up... as you pay attention.
About the feedback.... I realize it's usually about something I haven't accepted.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a wonky tire with a lump in it. I grasp the concept of radical acceptance, hang on pretty well, get flipped around by something reactive... which throws me for a loop, then come back around to acceptance.
Again.
It's getting easier, bc I understand it more deeply and experience such relief when I manage it.
Lighter
Tupp:
I looked up Youtube vids for Yoga with Adriene. She's adorable and her dog is pretty relaxed fellow. Her voice is really soothing too. I'll select a couple of her workouts and begin. Thanks!
Tupp and Hops:
I haven't sought out rough hoods. Rather, I've tried to support businesses I used to support weekly..... I've been to the one downtown ONCE in 2 months, and only bc it was close to the lab. I really don't want it to go out of business. I don't.
I have to say this..... my gut says I'm more likely to use this as a jumping-off point for showing the girls where to find and how to deploy and use the pepper spray in the car door, rather than skirt around our regular stores. We're NOT in what's considered a dangerous city BUT times they have changed.
How much will I let these changes.... change me/us? This is something I'm considering right now.
I'm not fearless.
I'm proactive.
I don't want to have regrets in either direction.
Lighter
My experience isn't what most people experience, btw.
Lately, I've been waking up with a very good mindset. Very present. Very aware of being present, and how easy it is to NOT be.
Pathways are building. Things get easier.... even when I'm challenged. I get back to center more quickly. It's revelation to begin a day mindfully, sans effort.
THIS is what I've been missing. THIS is what I've been working towards in so many ways, coming from so many directions.
Feeling very much at home inside my own head. Learning to notice anxiety or sadness and come back to myself.
Nice.
For anyone interested, my T said to practice thinking about a thought..... SEEING it for what it is..... and seeing what happens to it. What, exactly, IS a thought we're having?
My experience isn't what most people experience, btw.
Lighter
even if it's not OK all the time. It's OK.
REaaaaaallllLy trusting is different than trying to trust, of feeling I trust, IME. Internalizing trust, that all will be well....
Hi, Tupp:
T said that most people experience their thoughts as
not being solid or real. They dissolve away when one focuses intensely on one thought.
My experience is more of moving away from the thought, judgment or feelings of other people. Moving back into my head and heart. Turning away from.... turning back to myself. There's joy and ease in this lately.
Today I observed the deepening levels of healing and being present... like a door opening.
More an observation of leaving behind old limited thoughts. Of having more spaciousness available to me. Of having unlimited ability to create and experience after years of feeling very limited and crushed into a small space with repeating thought patterns I wasn't aware of.
I'm hoping this passes and continues expanding into what comes next.
I've noticed my mind hasn't been able to rest for many years.... 15 years maybe.
When I first began seeing this new T there was lots of amazing work done. I assumed that was the goal.... and it seemed like my goal at the time. To FEEL better.
Once I felt better, which I hope I wrote down, bc it's gone and I can't recall that particular shift..... once I felt better, once I could get myself out of a hole with breathing and everything I've been posting about..... I didn't understand what comes after.
Once the tension and weight of repetitive thoughts are relieved.
Once there's room for other things.
Once the brain calms down, learns to calm down, begins laying down new pathways and strengthening them.
Once there's distance and rest, for a period of time, for the brain to make lasting change.
It felt very mechanical, at first. It felt like... picking up a tool, that felt unwieldy, and ill fitted to the hand, and using it, despite the whonkiness.
It feels more fluid and internal now. It feels streamlined... like the gloppy parts and edges have been smoothed away. More useful. More comfortable, requiring less bandwidth on my part.
Like rusty old wheels have been ground down and oiled.... able to move freely again. I feel there's momentum, and I'm not attached to continued momentum. I expect and will embrace forward, backward and sideways movement in this process.
I won't judge it. I'll strive to embrace it and marvel at the process, knowing I'm moving toward more spaciousness, more ease, more joy.... even if it's not OK all the time. It's OK.
REaaaaaallllLy trusting is different than trying to trust, of feeling I trust, IME. Internalizing trust, that all will be well, is an unexpected shift I didn't see coming.
I wonder what's next.
I look forward to experiencing it.
Lighter
I've pushed beyond that fear, and rolled my brain into rest's arms, for the sake of resting, sans expectation of what I MUST or SHOULD do, bc I've rested a bit. Again, I repeat, but it bears repeating, IME.
....
Rest beyond stopping.... is..... what happened
Lighter, I've sat with your post for a few days as it was so layered and so much of it really resonated and struck a chord with me. I'm often struck by how similar our paths and experiences are. Me too. ::noticing the shame threatening::. I know your childhood was harder than mine. I think I always have some wave of shame wash over me when I see similarities in paths... as far as the legal go, then remember how different childhoods were. A negative voice always rises up and tries to shame me, when really..... it's not helpful.
No one had a perfect childhood. I can have my stuff, and it doesn't mean I'm comparing at all. I never do. But that voice.... I'm noticing it, and seeing what's underneath it. What other people think, I guess. My anger... my protectiveness rises up, too. Like I COULD protect you, ever. Silly. I can't, but there's reactivity there..... bc you should have been protected, of course. And this comes down to acceptance.... still struggling with that, and noticing it.
T said to look for that... when things come up, feel wrong... to see if I'm fighting acceptance. I DO, still. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. Internalize it. Make friends with it.
Do you think that inability to rest and be okay with resting comes from running away from trauma, of some kind? Not being good enough or going through something painful? Keep busy, keep proving you can do x, y and z, keep striving to be better and eventually you'll feel better? Do you think that's where it stems from for you, or is it something else? It's what kept coming up for me as I read and thought about what you'd written (I think you have written a self help book by now, by the way, you could print off a lot of your posts and bind them together and it would be a really good self help bible. Lol). I think there IS underneath all the seeking/avoiding... deep things we uncover and discover with patient awareness. With ongoing curiosity. With getting past what we do to avoid feeling and seeing.... very similar to crying like a small child... just letting it all goooo. We take deep breaths, hold our breath, we resist and fight it without being aware. The same with going deep, underneath the stuff we can see now, to see what's underneath it. And we all have stuff. We all have to figure out how to use the new tools and apply them, over and over, till things get easier.
What little child wants to KNOW their parents are bad parents, much less toxic and dangerous? That's something that's hidden away and locked up tight, so the child can survive. It has to be unlocked, but the unlocking doesn't have to be difficult if we relax into it and give permission and parent ourselves through it, IME.
For all those pieces to come together...
awareness,
remembering the tools,
remembering the mission and breathing throughout the process,
creating space for something wer'e trusting in, but unable to anticipate, bc it's new....
continuing to create space, which means we silence the negative voices, and go back to resting, avoiding judgment... i t's like riding waves.... easier on the downside. Harder on the upside,but it's the same wave, and maybe we create the hard and easy in our minds. Maybe, once we have the tools in hand, and the space... it just works without effort.
Maybe letting it happen, rather than doing it... is the secret. Simpler than anything we've ever done, but everything's been hard, or we interpret it as hard, bc...... running tapes in the background, seeking and avoidance behaviors to keep from seeing the tapes.
It's a silly comparison to make, but I was watching Nigella on the TV (cookery lady, do you get her over there?). And she often talks about cooking tips and recipes that were passed down from her mother, grandmother and aunts, and about her own memories of helping her mum cook. It got me thinking about my mum, and that I can't remember her ever teaching or showing me anything, or explaining anything to me. Never taking any sort of initiative or interest. Only criticising. The attention only came when I did it wrong. I don't find that silly in any way, Tupp. It makes me very sad, and I want to hug young Tupp so badly.
To SEE and experience that closeness, through Nigella's stories and shared experience... that makes so much sense to me. Of course your experience is conjured when you listen and watch sometihng altogether opposite your own experience. I think that's information you're ready to see and process. I wonder how much of it is about final acceptance... your mother was broken and flawed and doing her best, however wretched and toxic, her best based on the causes and conditions she was raised with. Whatever went wrong... it wasn't anything you could control. You didn't create those conditions. You suffered bc of them, and nothing about it was rigth or good. You were a beautiful, worthy infant who deserved a good enough mother you didn't receive. Nothing can change that. Accepting that.... is perhaps part of releasing the haunting, the avoidance the seeking behaviors behind it? It's real and it's inside your bone and skin and brain..... and you deserve to finish it... make peace with it.... accept and file it in historic files. Lord knows... what hope of doing that did you have during the last 15 years? With her constant attacks, that were very real. There's no swiping that under the rug, Tupp. No healing in the midst of threat and battle, IME.
I see the need for deep forgiveness, for us both, bc maybe we feel we SHOULD have overcome it... gotten past it.... healed through it, but honestly..... I don't think there's a soul on this earth, outside an experienced monk, who could have. People say things.... they have SHOULDS and they don't understand how that's just complicating the process, IME.
DOING more isn't the problem. It's releiving the pressure that's built, so the brain can rest, and shift and process and finish everything held up by trauma, and stacked for future processing. THIS is the time for processing, and the creating this backlog will have to change for the process to continue. This is tied to childhood, and not so easy to tease apart... so many things, on different levels, but SEEING that can't happen until we stop judging and shift reliably into observer mode... and continue resting... even when habit pulls us out of rest.... shift back, again and again and notice what comes up. What stops us. Why. And continue. It's trusting we'll be OK if we release all the habits that got us through, isn't it? Our brain pathways don't want to change... they believe their keeping us alive... there's resistance there as well. Another layer, but it's interesting now. Not threatening. Not daunting. Just interesting to see what's there... what comes up. WHere it takes us. Trusting we can handle it now.... trust helps us stay out of our limbic systems.... brains integrated, and on line.... capable and ready to do the processing.
cultivate. I am resting physically but it's not happening in my mind yet. There's all the judgment and guilt to notice and quiet down, IME. The bartering I used to do..... so unconscious... promising I'll do A and B and C IF I allow myself to rest for a while... not long.... and that's the thing. Resting beyond anywhere we've ever gone before... takes focus. And that can feel like work too. Focus on rest. On noticing what comes up, dealing with it and continuing.
But as you say you took the physical rest first and the mental rest followed. The mental focus on rest was like a merry go round.... resistance kept coming up, and my permission to feel it, notice it and continue past it kept coming up, over and over. So I will keep resting.
Rest and notice what comes up. The voices.
Judgements. Bargains. Then pat it on the head, let it know it's no longer necessary, you can rest safely now, and keep resting more deeply your mind, your guard, your expectations for what you must do. Let all the shoulds go.... and stay curious... aware.
I've noticed how tired I've been since son had his college picnic. I felt very stressed by having to get up there and it's interacting with people that I find stressful - what they might do and what they might say.
I felt very much like that. Then I just went to that bbq and enjoyed myself immensely. Beyond my ability to comprehend, in fact. I dont' know it if was trusting or time having passed or what, but it got better. Your situation included people you'[ve had conflict with, and things that perhaps could have upset your son. Maybe you needed to be as protective as you felt, OR... maybe it's OK to trust and shift into observer mode... get very curious and see what's really there. Honestly, the guy interrupting your quiet lunch... that's reason for protection and anxiety, IME. I used to be knocked sideways by it too... and I think there are types of people drawn to quiet people who aren't smiling and engaged in the world... which was always me in public. I live in my head. That attracts some people, and that's OK. We can say.... I'd like to chat, but I'm having lunch now. Have a nice day. Bye. Can't we? Without feeling responsible for the person's feelings? Right? I think we can, but we have to figure out WHY we feel responsible for others, when all. we have to feel responsible for is OURSELVES. Figuring out what's ours and what belongs to others, and internalizing it, is part of things getting easier, I'm sure. It was a hot day as well and I was conscious of having to just hang around for a couple of hours in all that heat. Plus got chatted up by a man in his 70s and it bothered me - that need by some to put their own needs first without any thought for the needs of the other person (I was sitting eating my sandwich - in no way giving off signals of any kind that I wanted a man to ask me if I was married or not and start talking about taking me out for a drink). It bothers me that I give energy to dealing with that politely instead of just telling someone to f off. There's sometihng in between, Tupp. Firm assertion.... I know there is. I don't want to be hostile to people. But sometimes I wonder if it's what you need to do. I've gone off on a tangent now. Lol, I just mention it because it was to do with feeling tired and needing to rest, I think xx
I think rest is a really good place to notice what's going on, Tupp. And... my tangents are waaaay longer than yours; ) Lighter
trying to save someone else can be tied into saving myself too
It felt like we broke above some cloud cover, as two grown adults speaking to each other, instead of him, adult, to me... child.
I don't know how to determine ownership of self-care and caring for others....
when it's overstepping, to do so. And that's the thing.... NEEEDING someone else to be OK, to feel OK myself, is codependence.
every time I jumped in to fix someone else's problem, I was denying them the chance TO LEARN HOW TO FIX IT FOR THEMSELVES
It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs.
That storm sounds like a brilliant analogy for life, Lighter, and one that we can't access when we're still dealing with all the 'stuff'. I've got x, y and z in place. I can do no more than that. Let's just enjoy this. Yes. Amazing that you've come so far along this journey now that you can choose whether or not to be scared. You've got that much control over your own responses now. Wow. Did you imagine you could get to that point? I know over the many years I've been working on myself I've often wondered if I can reach a true state of 'I'm just doing my thing now' and genuinely not be thinking about other things. What an inspirational story from you. And it sounds like a lot of fun as well! I love storms but I do remember being out in one once with my son and a thunder clap going off directly above us and dear Lord, my heart nearly stopped. It's just so loud. Mother Nature showing she's a bad ass :)
I really resonated with what you wrote about forming a secure attachment with yourself. Makes so much sense and is something that can cause problems if we don't manage it in our earlier years, I think. I've often felt that I'm acting at being a grown up, rather than actually being one. I think the secure attachment is a part of being a grown up.
T's crying. How do you feel about that? I feel similar to how you feel about it, Tupp.
The first time it happened I had the feeling the T had zero answers, and nothing helpful to say... though she very much wanted to help. She was very in tune with my story as I told it in present tense.... I talked about my late husband as though he was still with us. I never referred to him in past tense..... he was IN MY FACE, still next to me, chasing and threatening me inside my head... relentlessly. My nose was on the pebble, and my body was reacting..... my biochemistry had been hijacked for 2 years at that point. I think she realized it, but had no vocabulary.... training to understand or HELP ME understand it.
She saw what was, but didn't understand how I got there, or what I needed to get myself OUT. She didn't understand the concept of getting a nose off a pebble, IMO.
It would have helped me so much to have the ability to create emotional distance, and access my parasympathetic nervous system.... I had no idea what it was, much less what it did or how much control I had access to IF someone walked me through it. That T had nothing to give, and her feeling of being helpless and hopeless, for me, made me feel I was inflicting my pain onto her, and doing harm TO her. I was in no position to caretaker her, so there was no question I wouldn't go back. She didn't deserve to suffer with me, and I see now how a T CAN have empathy, but stay focused on calming the brain and body so the brain can do what it was made to do.... and does efficiently.... process information efficiently when stress is reduced. When trauma is addressed and reduced.... consistently..... without judgment or expectation.... just very frank, helpful steps and avenues and zero judgment. Well.... IME it's quite a trick to point out judgment of oneself WITHOUT judging. Everything is about reducing stress... giving permission to be kind and forgiving with oneself, always. Unconditionally. Making it a priority.... and reminding it's not a perfect process. It's messy and comes nd goes and we return, gently, consistently, and continue on without losing focus on the mission. I knew I couldn't help that T, so I didn't go back. I couldn't help myself, much of the time. There was no question I'd feel better while watching her suffer too.
There was a Psychiatrist who saw my ASPD stbx with me, as a couple, and each on our own. He'd headed up a male pscyh ward for.... criminally insane men... I think. Written many books. Was likely past the age of retirement...... and he spoke to me very frankly. Zero compassion. I read his notes.... I didn't much like him. I remember almost losing control of my bladder in his office when he said... "The goal of these sessions has shifted from reconciling a marriage to keeping you alive during a potential divorce..... the danger isn't riding the tiger... the danger is in getting off the tiger." I'm paraphrasing, of course.
No one, up to that point, had been willing to consider I was in mortal danger. HE understood, and he doubted my ability to divorce without being killed. I remember it felt like the floor dropped out from under me.... adrenaline hit me..... it hit my feet and hands painfully. All the while... this man just blinked at me.... looking for..... a reaction? My response? I was just quiet... wide eyed.... very used to NOT showing any response, no matter what was said or done to me at that point. But that T understood what he was seeing and hearing when he spoke to STBX ASPD. His dx was Psychopath with heavy N features.
When I went back to see him, after ASPD died, The T was very flippant..... he said something like....
"You should have aimed for his foot." I believe it was at that point I decided he was past the age of retirement. He never had anything helpful to say.... ever. He was always very hopeless..... he said.....
"there's nothing to be done.... you couldn't do anything different to get a different outcome... you're trapped... at the mercy of... etc." Paraphrasing here, but that was the message AND he presented as someone with all the answers and very large ego.... had written books, blah blah..... very sure of himself, and had zero empathy. That was equally unhelpful, but moved me into a deeper sense of dread and fear...... a whole'nuther level, in fact.
The T who referred me to him was a psychologist who was getting pretty frustrated in a "THAT's what sociopaths DO" sort of way. I'd say ASPD did THIS, and he'd respond in a droll manner... "That's what sociopaths DO." And he had zero help to offer as well. Just.... nothing outside "That's what Sociopaths DO." He realllly needed me to GET THAT. To stop talking about all the things being DONE TO ME and my children. To.... do what? I have no idea. He had no tools for calming myself. In fact, he often said things that were very upsetting... sort of like the Psychiatrist... very frank doomsday stuff about how I was at the mercy of. He SO got that. I remember him explaining to STBX ASPD how saying things to me like..... "He sure would be sorry if something bad happened to me in a divorce." The T said it would have been like a man cleaning his fingernails with a big sharp knife, while telling his wife it sure woudl be terrible if anytihng bad happened to her.... if she didn't comply with him." Just dreadful. Not good answers. NO answers at all, really.
I wonder if I'd had tools for calming myself... not pills, if I'd have fought my way out of that situation and avoided all the trauma and terror and tragedy. I won't know, but I clearly SEE how it would have helped, even if it didn't save us
__________________________________________________________.
INSERT HERE:
I left out I'd spoken to ASPD STBX in anger ONE time during 3 year period in courts... He grabbed me on the stairs, in front of witnesses, and hurt me.... I snapped back at him.....
"I'm going to divorce you and marry another man who your children will call Daddy."
_____________________________________________________________
So, that one thing..... was a slip, said in anger.... with a man's hands on me in anger...... threatening... harming..... I said it and I meant it and he knew I did. It was all but done and over in the courts, but so far away, bc ASPD was adept at using and manipulating the justice system. I believed him when he said I'd be screaming, and running away like my hair was on fire just to escape the court system.... when it was all done and over. He showed me what he meant, right from the start. Manipulating my own attorney..... making it so hard. Making me look insane, like a liar, like a participant on Jerry Springer show..... manipulating me with fear.... and see.... I really can't help but wonder how things would have gone if I HAD THESE TOOLS. Could have calmed myself down. I did what I could..... I had a really good neuromuscual massage T who unlocked things so I could breathe again.... walk again... get off the floor and keep going again. I didn't have anyone who could do that with my mind, and it felt like I was blindfolded, on an operating table.... with all these shadowy men standing over me with sharp instruments..... and I was at their mercy. I remember that vision vividly. And I remember feeling I was standing on a high cliff.... toes over the edge..... wind whipping my hair around my face, wrapping it.... hair in my eyes and mouth. The wind so loud I wouldn't be heard, even if I screamed, which I didn't. I'd learned to be still, and wait. Just...... not move..... not react..... it was my default, until it wasn't, and then it was again, then it wasn't. I'd be energized by a task.... get smacked down by someone on my team of attorneys, and they never all agreed on ANYTHING. Then it just.... was my default. I think I'd still BE there if not for this T.
Another T.... somatic T..... did the "Feel your seat, wiggle your toes, notice the trees" thing, but didn't explain anything about WHY or what we were doing it for. Nothing about about the brain, biochemistry, reactivity, fight or flight or parasympathetic nervous system.... nothing. I guess I'm someone who does better with more information than less. It seems like everything I've learned has built on itself, IME.
There were Ts in my first marriage. The first one put me on Paxil, which shut down my body AND left me suffering physically on top of emotionally. I fired him and made him write a letter stating he'd made a mistake prescribing Paxil, bc it was harmful, not helpful and wrong to prescribe in my case. I was in a very dysfunctional marriage, and the next marriage counselor I saw just said it out loud..... after listening to my husband talk and talk and talk and complain about me.... just when it was MY turn to speak... the T shut it down, handed me a divorce attorney's card, STBX a divorce attorney's card, and told us to leave his office, and never speak to each other again, bc "H had no empathy for me, and every human being needs empathy."
H and I left that appointment in a daze. I felt voiceless, but had learned I often left that T's office feeling anger. Then... later.... I sort of got what he was saying and agreed with him...but grudgingly. That T was right, but he was also an ex marine with a very gruff manner, and old fashioned view of women that really did harm when I saw him with the ASPD stbx.
That T was also the person who introduced me to my favorite martial arts instructor, so.... things sort of evened out.
e had many over the years who've cried in front of me and said they feel tearful and/or emotional about what I said and to be honest, I don't like it. I get that's it's probably about showing you that it's okay to feel emotions and respond to them but I kind of like them to be strong and stoical. I think it pings too much on my "I must look after you" buttons and I feel like I have to watch what I say so they don't get upset. Does it bother you if they do it? IF my current T had cried, I don't think it would have bothered me in the least, BC she very steadily moved along a healing path, and she's very centered and level in her own mind and body. She has answers. She knows how to share and teach them. She has zero ego investment and she doesn't feel hopeless. She has answers. She's confident and that's her manner.... her tone.... her eyes pour out and transfer calm, caring reassurance....
all will be well, and I didn't understand it, at first, but she brought me along, however much I struggled or fought at times.... she found a way through, and I wasn't always able to hear her...... wasn't always able to understand or calm myself enough to understand. That's more truthful.
I saw her enough times..... was lead OUT of survival mode enough times to finally understand.... finally trust... finally comprehend how holding on to the injustice... mostly around my children being harmed and leveraged in order to harm me...... was doing ongoing harm I could check and reverse. THAT was an important message I finally got. I needed to hear it. The current T has lived it herself. She practices her own healing journey daily. She's been here. She's gotten herself out, and she's living a joyful life... she doesn't believe she has any problems when she things about it. That's how far her nose IS.... off the pebbles. As I gain more distance, I gain more understanding and control over my own perspective. Expanding spaciousness for ourselves.....
is EVERYTHING. That wouldn't have made any sense at all, this time last year.
And seeing the world through the eyes of a child. I've found that so much with my boy; giving him the sort of childhood my mum didn't give me - the playing and making mud pies, long walks in the woods gathering acorns and leaves, reading stories, dressing up, finger painting, all that stuff. It was like it healed up the little girl in me who longed to do that. My dad did that stuff with me, I was lucky in that respect. It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs. Really lovely reading your posts. I think this T is a very good fit for you.
Sometimes, I think it can all be (over)simplified down to shifting our thinking, feeling, rumination and obsessions away from we accept we CAN'T do... to accepting and acting on, what we CAN.
Lighter,
You brought back a lot of memories. After my divorce I went to ONE therapist who said, after I had completed my story, "let's get you on some meds. You can't be okay after an experience like that." The fact is, I WAS okay--well not in the grand scheme of things, but I was in the immediate. Never went back.
I'm sorry that happened to you, CB. There's a lot of marginal and bad Ts out there. I thank God for Doc G and this board. I'm so grateful for the Ts who help and don't harm.
Watching movies is hard. So much of the sub plot is this kind of crap that women have to live through(most esp the historical stuff I like to watch). Can't decide if the stories are worth the PTSD.
Youngest dd and I were talking about how there aren't really thaaaaat many plots. Sometimes I see that SO clearly. Like a laser.
Everyone focuses on the symptoms... the conditions. They don't call out the causes for what they are... common and something the global community should develop zero tolerance policies for. That's not the way it is, though, and somehow I manage to not feel despair while pondering it. I used to feel ONLY despair.
It's maddening, don't get me wrong, but there's an absence of despair now. People are entertained... not moved to CHANGE the foundational reasons we're dealing with all this drama, and writing stories and scripts...... and that's OK too.
I just SEE it so clearly. It's my need for my external world to line up with my internal world... I think. The INFP in me. I've passed this intense desire for justice to my youngest dd. She noted that too, yesterday. She doesn't see it as a positive attribute. More of a curse, unfortunately.
When you watch your favorite programs....
I wish you more emotional distance, expanded resilience and less reactivity. The reactivity... the PTS is devastating. I hope it transforms into an ability to respond and be responsive in the ways you can be. The ability to act, and do what we can, is part of healing, IME.
I'm glad you got out too, CB.
Lighter
CB
So nice to read, Lighter, without the judgement or the pressure to get things done, get things right, not to upset or offend (healthcare professional) - just doing the day, easy process, doing it as it needs to be done rather than super charging through the list. Nice!
Yes! No lists. I'm pretty familiar with what needs doing, by now, in my life. There are things that MUST be done to standard..... even if the standards are changing, and I trust I'll DO that without badgering myself, driving myself and scaring myself all day about them, kwim?
BTW company came and we had a terrific time. They didn't spend the night, though the house was ready for spend the night guests. We cooked, with the guy pulling grill meister duty..... just an amazing time and the girls and I are luxuriating in a very clean house, very happy ME and going out and doing stuff... yesterday was cool and breezy. Youngest and I just went into the world and did stuff..... bought Chinese cooking wine, gf soy sauce, and black sesame seed oil..... SNOW PEA LEAVES! We love snowpea leaves,except for pulling them off the stems, and we made a terrific yummy meal, seeing chicken then roasting it in the yummy sauce with eggplant we got at the FARMER's MARKET! We love the farmers market but haven't been in months, and we also got corn and big slicing tomatoes... the ugly ones.... amazing and we're going back to get peaches TODAY... will leave after this post, in fact: )
And so sad about your father's mum. The obsessive cleaning seems to be a thing we've all talked about on here; I do feel it was very much the way women proved their worth in a time when they couldn't access education and to be divorced or single was considered a very bad thing. I used to have a friend who cleaned obsessively; she was abused as a child and even a tiny speck of dust in her house made her feel so filthy that she couldn't cope with it and just cleaned all the time. It's sad how we look back and see the way our parents, grandparents, great grandparents all dealt with the things that made them feel unhappy or worthless and how those things became things by which we were judged (not clean enough, not pretty enough, not well behaved enough) and so we take that forward and so on. Generational trauma, Hops, as you said. It gives me the same terrible feeling of helplessness to read that, as it does to hear about eating disorders and being trapped in abusive relationships to keep little children safe. Just helpless.
And then I wonder about the current generation and if their parents are damaging them in the same way, by not making them clean or wash clothes or take their turn to cook dinner. Most of my friends' kids do nothing around the house and generally money is just given to them without any condition attached. I wonder if that does them a disservice for later life,I'm pretty sure it does. in the same way that I feel my mum constantly cleaning did to us (I don't think it damaged us that she cleaned all the time, but it would be really nice to have some memories of finger painting with her or making pasta necklaces or something). Awww, you so deserved finger painting memories and making little valentine cards with your mum. Be interesting for all of us to be looking back at some point in the future and seeing how the patterns change or if they do. I was talking to my T about some of this... and I think my sister and I were buffered by the fact we had each other, as twins, always. We found things to do, even when we were alone for long periods of time... we were playing at the edge of a pond, waving orange safety flags in the road, drawing on walls, playing in a sandbox, on a swingset, in the orchard, and just basically running around to the neighbor's houses getting yummy treats, and helping out in the garden, etc. We had lots of freedom, but we filled that time with social, physical and creative outlets, even if we were punished for some of them. Try flushing your mum's bc pills down the toilet and see if she's as happy about it as you are... not. WE DID THAT. We'd scoot our cribs together, then crawl back and forth. Once, I'm told, we emptied our diapers and finger painted on the wall, never a dull moment with twins, and we always ALWAYS blamed little brother, even when he was flat on his back newly born.... "brother did it!" So.... I don't think we missed having a mother sit down and do things with us, bc I don't recall that she did. I remember watching mom's angry feet stomp by the bed, sister and I were hiding under, as she looked for us.... not sure what we'd done, but she was mad and we were getting spanked. I remember being spanked and sat on front stoop, to have a proper cry, AFTER my mother failed to properly supervise us... that's when we were waving flags in the road. For the life of me, I don't understand why parents hit little kids for their own failures. She should have spanked herself, not us.
I've digressed again! I'm glad you're in the flow. Are your friends still there? xx Friends didn't spend the night, but they will in the winter, as will cousins, and I'm pretty sure I digressed all over the place. Have to get youngest dd and go to the school now, then farmer's market, for peaches!
Lighter
My experience with PDs is they feel obligated to destroy anyone who exposes them, in any way they can manage, and they lose their minds when it happens. Not pretty. Usually scary, with the kids getting used as cannon fodder.
I can't say that's the exact case with my In Laws.... it wasn't just that. More complicated and creepy, IMO. Think crime syndicate with a bruised eye over the lawsuit.... their golden child looking foolish for having to pay a fair settlement in a divorce... they, particularly my MIL, couldn't abide that. SO much crazier, now that I think about it.
((Tupp)), it sucks you have flashbacks while doing yoga. I hope you put that on the list, and deal with it in T.
Lighter
I tried breathing...and counting my breaths...and being mindful. Letting my thoughts flit around and settle on whatever it was I was stewing over that moment.... My mindfulness state is about 30 seconds max :(
Learning to sit and focus on breathing isn't something we turn on and off, like a switch. We practice it.
Monks, who've practiced for 30 and 40 years say they're still practicing and when they master it, they'll learn something else. They never master it. It's imperfect practice, and is supposed to be. That's where we NOTICE what's going on inside.... and learn to notice without judging. We lose focus, notice, then go back to focusing on breath again. We treat ourselves like we'd treat any small child. With compassion and patience.
Thich Nhat Hanh is an author and shares simple mindful practices that help us learn HOW to focus, IME. , The Practice of Mindfulness is a book my T loaned to me when I first started learning to breathe and focus on mindfulness. There are different kinds of practice and some are more helpful than others, bean. You'll find you have preferences too. It's different for everyone. There are many books he's written... you might find a couple on Amazon that speak to you. It helps quiet one down, and focus on specific things to train the mind, which becomes less difficult, then familiar then one day you notice yourself sort of huffing, without thinking about it, and that's when your body understands and responds to stress automatically.... with breathing. We only practice... and it's never perfect.
I had the same difficult with martial arts...... berating muself for not doing something perfect the first or 50th time... I was just wasting energy I COULD have used to work on what I wanted to learn, kwim? It DOES get easier, bean.. with practice. However imperfect, it builds on itself, in ways we can't understand until doors begin opening. That might not make sense, but it's something everyone experiences differently, so it's not helpful to say it MUST happen like this or that, IME. It's just trying, doing your best, and not judging yourself, IME.
It's frustrating.... sort of like looking at one of those pictures you can SEE only when the eye focuses a certain way. I went through times of anger, even..... more than frustrating. I don't think I could have stuck with it IF I didn't have a really great T doing her own work.... meaning she;s dropped her ego and is available to me in a way that's new and refreshing in Therapists... for ME.
In my case, and maybe many people's, the discomfort of learning something new has to be outweighed by the disomfort of remaining mired in suffering, which is where I was at.
Honestly, being a strong person, capable of gutting one's way through crisis, suffering through a life filled with shots of adrenaline and reactivity..... slows one down in the process. If one hit rock bottom more quickly, it's likely one would be open to new coping strategies sooner, rather than later, IME. I think our schools should teach mindfulness, meditation, acceptance, releasing outcome, and SEEING the little child in everyone....
right before teaching healthy boundaries, enforcing them and following through with consequences. Accepting something, that can't change, is different than being OK with something or giving permission for it to have happened or to happen again.
Acceptance is the emotional act of no longer STRIVING against the tide and stream. It's the act of getting out of the stream and walking with the wind.... it frees up energy to focus on what CAN DO. It frees energy up to be responsive, and less reactive. It gives us moments between stimulus and action.... so there's time to consider and select a particular response.
It's an escape from circular thinking and reactivity. It's gaining distance and SEEING the entire field. It allows us the time to see more possible responses and discern the best possible choice, Ime.
Many people worry worry worry as their primary coping strategy without understanding there are other ways to cope.
DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN, to impact a situation positively.... THEN putting the story ON THE SHELF..... going back to being present in the moment... doing things that bring us joy INSTEAD of worrying... is another coping strategy available to us. And it's better, IME.
...
Being mindful FELT like it had many moving parts to me. And I couldn't hold them all in focus at the same time... for quite some time. I still can't, truth be told. They just get more familiar, and habit turns into new default settings in our brain's wiring. Not quick, but it's a process open to all of us if we keep trying, IME.
Dropping all judgment, about everyone and everything... just getting very curious about what comes next.... and leaning into finding out what that is...
extending massive self-compassion to ourselves... consistently as we can......
getting very very curious about what's going on in our internal worlds....
remembering, when we judge others.... we do this bc we're also judging ourselves.
It gets easier as we practice imperfectly, then practice some more, IME.
We learn to discern our own inner wisdom from the voices installed by other people... and we become familiar with them.... work on making peace with them.... EMDR helps process old traumas stuck in our brains. If we can just reduce the stress in our brain, our brain will process troubling emotions in milliseconds, bc that's what our brains do efficiently, daily..... and they will do it with the old trauma when we give it a chance.
Back to breathing and mindfulness....
Non judfmental curiosity..... resting in awareness...... these words take on more meaning as we practice, IME. Only words, b ut then we make connections and build on them. Until one begins to practice and read and notice things come up. And those things don't kill us or destroy us.... they just show us more things and so on, until we get used to embracing truths and causes of our conditions so we can make new choices and changes to patterns that no longer serve. [/b]
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Does anyone practice this daily? I am struggling to form the habit and wonder if there are any tricks to getting started? My therapist practices daily. She does yoga. Goes to retreats and participates in worldwide conferences over the computer..... and her experience..... because her work helps her to drop all ego when dealing with clients... accept where we are, validate us, teach us to do better.... feel better....
to suffer less.
THAT was why I was in the T's office. I was SO ready to suffer less, Bean. Just..... less. When that happened it was a revelation. My T wondered if I didn't want more than simply "feeling better". Honeslty, I would have been happy with that small gain, bc it felt so LARGE to me. I was patient.... I kept my appointments, usually with frantic bits of trying to meditate right before the next appointment, but in her office... she focused me very keenly on what I was learning and I leaned in with everything I had... even when I was unable to release frustration and anger and judgment and simple ACCEPT something I couldn't change. I had a difficult time accepting that acceptance wasn't saying something was OK. It was simply getting out of a strong headwind.... and working WITH the wind. Acceptance is accepting I can't DO anything to change something, then turning toward something I enjoy or CAN change. Giving my energy to something that will impact my life in a positive way, and lead to more of what I want... more joy... more fellowship..... more flow and less suffering. These things I could agree with my T about.
Learning how to get my nose off trauma pebbles..... that was more difficult. We worked through the largest traumas, one by one, typically with EMDR... eye movement and changing stories in my brain... calming my brain down so I had access to my WHOLE brain for logic, reason, creativity and problem solving skills instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off in survival mode..... trying to solve problems I simply couldn't go back and solve in the past, bc the past is gone forever. T helped me find a way to move those traumas INTO my processing center, integrate my brain so I could SEE the problems/trauma with all my abilities at hand, SOLVE and move that trauma INTO historic files, in my brain, so I wasn't reacting to the same things over and over and over again. There was just quiet and peace and NOTHING when I thought about them.
I don't meditate like I could, and I refuse to say SHOULD, bc I feel I learn something every day and I pay very close attention to what I'm feeling and how I'm responding or reacting. I can tell the difference now, even if I can't stop myself reacting, I AM AWARE, and I understand what's happening inside. I understand what I can do to gain more distance, have more choices and be more responsive.
I also am thinking a lot about Pia Mellody's "negative control" and "resentment" as symptoms of codependence. I can definetely see these traits in myself (and realize that after going through therapy I have decreased both tremendously). I found Pia Melody super helpful too, but that was just a starting point for understanding WHY I was codependent and how my reactivity, around someone, indicates I have work to do in that area... lessons to learn.... something I'm working out for myself. Viewing that person or that problem as a lesson, rather than a difficult person/problem I need to banish... has been helpful. But aren't these symptoms more prevalent in the Narcissistic rather than the Codependent? Especially the Resentment, which manifests itself as Anger at the smallest slight. N's have their own path and work to do. It's not our work. We focus on our work, and our path and we learn to see the wounded child in everyone... in ourselves.... the Ns. Everyone has causes and conditions they're dealing with. Ev3eryone is doing their level best, based on the causes and conditions they've experienced.... when they know better, they'll do better. One of the red flags to me has always been that an N shows you who they are when they so easily get angry, and hang onto resentment, and it is disproportinate to whatever you have said or done. Absolutely, Bean. They will gaslight you with their anger, making you crazy (if you are codependent), such that you are months later stills scanning your memory for What exactly You did to Anger them. Of course, nothing. ugh
We do that until we learn to do better, and STOP scanning, worrying and wondering. We learn to mind our own business.... what is ours to tend to, in other words. Primarily self care. We forgive ourselves when we forget not to overstep or try to fix or help..... bc we're human and have a wounded child inside our hearts too. Just like the N..... there's trauma and wounds in each of us.
We may extend compassion to the N without allowing them to trample our boundaries. It would be unwise to engage someone who's not honoring us or relating to us with reciprocity.
I was also wondering about the rage that the N feels when you cut off their N supply.
When you think about it, Bean..... what does an N rage remind you of? It's not an adult response to frustration, is it? It's more like a toddlers tantrum.... an immature response... a very harmful coping strategy that might have worked for them when they were children, but no longer serves in adulthood. It's self defeating to rage and bully like a big toddler to gain some illusion of having control.
It reminds me of the saying.... one person can't make two people happy, but one person can make two people miserable. We can accept an N is broken, unable to do better, and is making sad choices based on their causes and condiitions. N's have trauma too. They're less resilient... they suffer a lot, bean. It doesn't make the harm they do OK. It doesn't. It doesn't mean we allow further harm. It just means we accept the N is suffering bc of causes and conditions... the same as we suffer, and we learn to see that in everyone. To have compassion. To be patient, but also to tend to ourselves, self care, and good boundaries.
It feels odd to stop doing the things I;ve associated with who I've always been.. in the past, IME. Just today it struck me... I'm not DOING this codependent thing anymore.... SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY? No. DO I need to go back and do it some more? No. Can I turn back to what I was doing, and enjy that thing again? Yes, and that's what I did. As I do it more and more, it gets easier, more familiar, I choose it more often, and eventually it will be my brain's new default setting. I won't have to fight for the right choices so hard.
But then, there will be new lessons and new COWs,(Crisis Of The Week) and that's just life. I can accept it, or I can fight and rail against it and let it control me. I'm trying to calm my brain down, with breathing and mindfulness, so I have every option available to me..... so I have a few moments to consider my choices.... so I don't repeat old self defeating patterns.
Moving on from N abuse seems almost difficult if not impossible for a Codependent. Just my random thoughts after several months of being cutoff from my N stepdaughter...
For me, understanding what's going on INSIDE my brain..... why I repeat mistakes or habits that aren;t serving me..... understanding WHY sometimes I can't STOP worrying about what might happen..... catastrophizing... or worse... going over past events I can't change..... THESE things happen when my biochemistry is hijacked by my amygdala/fight or flight/reptilian brain, and I can't think my way OUT of that mode, no matter how hard I try. In fact, thinking makes it worse, IME.
When I learned my brain was ringing alarm bells, LIKE A FRIGGIN TIGER WAS CHASING ME.... I understood WHY breathing HELPED. Breathing, calmly..... filling my lungs from the bottom to the top... like filling a vase... then releasing it slowly.... while FOCUSING ON EACH breath.....
is something one cannot DO if a tiger is giving chase.
Breathing is a tool. Think of it as a pair of wire cutters, sneaking up, beneath the alarm bells, and cutting those wires. If we breathe calmly, our bodies understand that as NOT BEING IN DANGER!
We take back control of our biochemistry, and breaking that down a bit further.... what that means is we engage the part of our nervous system responsible for calming down the fight or flight mode.
Our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) shuts OFF fight or flight survival mode, and we cultivate tools to do that. Because fight or flight mode shuts down access to our frontal lobe.... the part responsible for reason, logic, creativity and problem solving.... is it any wonder we can't fight or think our way OUT of upsetting, circular patterns creating suffering and frustration for ourselves?
I don't know about you, bean, but I believe we all deserve less suffering. Everyone on this board is a kind soul. A well intentioned soul.
Whatever you find in therapy, I hope it's more joy, less worry, more responsiveness and unconditional acceptance of what can't be changed.
Victor Fankl said....
"Live as though you're living a second time, and as though you acted wrontly the first time."
This, for me, is important today, bc we're all working out lessons we're meant to learn right now. We're all here experiencing hardships in order to understand compassion... patience.... a deep abiding understanding that we're all dealing with trauma and our wounded inner child. There can be no compassion without cruelty. No light without dark.
We all are products of our causes and conditions.
Your sd would do better if she knew how to do better. She doesn't lash out in self defeating ways, bc it brings her joy. She does this bc she's suffering, and she's terrified of what's behind it. She's on her own path. You can't fix her. Her father can't fix her. She has to do her own work.
Learning to SEE ourselves in all suffering beings connects us. We don't have to allow abuse, and accepting that abuse happened isn't the same as saying it was OK, bc it wasn't and it never will be.
I found a new poem today, and I'll put it here.
Poem: Please Call Me By My True Names
By Thich Nhat Hanh
Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow— even today I am still arriving.
Look deeply: every second I am arriving to be a bud on a Spring branch, to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, to fear and to hope. The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that is alive.
I am a mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river. And I am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.
I am a frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. And I am the grass-snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. And I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am also the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hands. And I am the man who has to pay his “debt of blood” to my people dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.
My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names, so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names, so I can wake up and the door of my heart could be left open, the door of compassion.
One more thing, and I know I've posted on and on here...
but one more thing.....
today I really felt what it's like to drop all ego and SEE the suffering of someone who's done great harm to me. To hold a space for them... filled with compassion.... and really SEE how their suffering has shaped them. It didn't make what they did to me OK. I simply could see..... causes and conditions shaped that person. It wasn't a choice, in other words. That person was acted upon and that innocent little child, they were, did what it needed to do to survive. And the suffering... I recognize it in myself. I recognize it in that person. It connects us.
The truth is, I've learned so much from hardest of times. When I calm myself down....
get my nose off the pebble or problem I'm struggling with.....
I see greater possibility, release expectation and accept what comes at me..... do what I can, then turn back to what brings me joy in THIS moment..... that's the difference between joy and suffering for me.
THAT's my choice to focus on what I CAN do, and not what is happening TO me, or has happened to me.
Sorry it took so long to respond, bean. I have company and lots going on.
Lighter
bean
A healthy ego, won't easily enter enmeshment or co-dependence - because there IS an actual true (and good & healthy) self-interest or ego. As in the UNbalance of one person always giving; always doing; always emotionally available - and the other always taking, never emotionally available.... and sometimes even intending harm. The reciprocity and balance is what is healthy.
I notice the moments where self judgment and guilt used to slide in all the time.
I noticed it today, and..
It really felt like a big empty space today, waiting to be filled.
Lighter
Time to experiment with filling space with new things!
Time to experiment with filling space with new things!
For me at the moment I'm mostly filling space with biscuits, Skep ;) Lol x
Time to experiment with filling space with new things!
For me at the moment I'm mostly filling space with biscuits, Skep ;) Lol x
Lol, Tupp.
Us.
Too.
I'm also looking for deeper daily meditation practices....maybe outdoors in this amazingly cool and breezy fall weather. More walking meditation.
The work you're doing....I'm in awe. Are you adding EMDR to it?
Lighter
There are ways to make the hard physical work of homesteading easier, Tupp. You don't have to always be the "mule" pulling a plow... there are even ways to minimize weeding, which I still enjoy immensely even if I do get tired; it's just the satisfaction of creating the visual "order" I like. I'll bet even your son would enjoy parts of that kind of work.
Sometimes, mother nature "wins" - and there isn't a decent way to cope and get a crop or have your herbs/flowers do really well. Sometimes it's too much rain; not enough; too hot... a host of other things. Wrapping my head around the real commitment it requires to maintain a garden space, permaculture bed, animals... I face a lot of resistance; excuses (It's too hot! I'll be sick and out of commission for days! waaaaah.... poor me) And so the work to overcome that, do things in a timely fashion, not find a handy excuse continues.
I think it's because at one time the bulk of the work - planting, tilling, weeding, harvesting & preserving - fell completely on my shoulders with very little assistance that part of me has held on to that resentment. And the voice I hear, when I am choosing to do/not do... is exactly the know-it-all, always "right" voice of Ex#2. He always dictated how it "should" be done - but he didn't DO IT. I did. And I wasn't permitted to say "no". I haven't quite exorcised that yet.
Ahhh.....neighbor and I could sellout brains burning SO HARD, but done and caulked. Looks amazing, btw. Really finished off the very simple room and open cabinets. Just really pleased.
Dryer arrives tomorrow with an 8 hour delivery window, grrr.
The happy piece in all this is selecting and handling things I love, or thought brought me joy. I'm discovering what's truly special for me, and editing out everything else from all over the place.
Now, when people walk into the house thru the garage, they enter into a pristine room with uncluttered lovely sieves holding beautiful and functional laundry room items, and little else. So pretty.
It brings me joy.
Lighter
I'm taking a moment to pack up my father's lake house to check on the board, and..
You're dream brought tears to my eyes, ((Tupp.))
You know I was checking flights your way a few years ago. I can absolutely picture that visit with you. Your dream made me so happy: )
Lighter
It's mine and everyone doesn't have to approve of it.
Taking care of other people's feelings and what they feel are priorities, for me. Reacting to their anxiety shuts down my ability to assess....
new capacity to feel and extend compassion to my younger self
The Heart's Intention
by Phillip Moffitt
SETTING INTENTIONS IS NOT THE SAME AS MAKING GOALS.
UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE CAN LEAD TO MORE SKILLFUL
LIVING AND LESS SUFFERING.
Once a month, an hour before the Sunday-evening meditation class I teach, I offer a group
interview for students who attend regularly. These interviews give them the opportunity to
ask questions about their meditation practice or about applying the dharma to daily life. In a
recent session, a yogi who dutifully meditates every morning admitted, "I must be confused
about the Buddha's teaching on right intention. I'm very good about setting intentions and
then reminding myself of them. But things don't ever seem to turn out according to those
intentions, and I fall into disappointment.
At first, I could only smile in response. What a good question! When I asked her to explain
these intentions, she proceeded to describe a number of goals for her future - to become less
tense at work, to spend more time with her family, to stabilize her finances, and more. She
was suffering from a kind of confusion that seems to afflict many bright, hardworking people:
mixing up two different life functions that are easily mistaken for each other. All of her goals
were laudable, but none would fit within the Buddha's teachings on right intention.
GOALS VS. INTENTIONS
Goal making is a valuable skill; it involves envisioning a future outcome in the world or in
your behavior, then planning, applying discipline, and working hard to achieve it. You
organize your time and energy based on your goals; they help provide direction for your life.
Committing to and visualizing those goals may assist you in your efforts, but neither of these
activities is what I call setting intention. They both involve living in an imagined future and
are not concerned with what is happening to you in the present moment. With goals, the
future is always the focus: Are you going to reach the goal? Will you be happy when you do?
What's next?
Setting intention, at least according to Buddhist teachings, is quite different than goal
making. It is not oriented toward a future outcome. Instead, it is a path or practice that is
focused on how you are "being" in the present moment. Your attention is on the everpresent
"now" in the constantly changing flow of life. You set your intentions based on understanding
what matters most to you and make a commitment to align your worldly actions with your
inner values.
As you gain insight through meditation, wise reflection, and moral living, your ability to act
from your intentions blossoms. It is called a practice because it is an ever-renewing process.
You don't just set your intentions and then forget about them; you live them every day.
Although the student thought she was focusing on her inner experience of the present
moment, she was actually focusing on a future outcome; even though she had healthy goals
that pointed in a wholesome direction, she was not being her values. Thus, when her efforts
did not go well, she got lost in disappointment and confusion. When this happened, she had
no "ground of intention" to help her regain her mental footing - no way to establish herself in
a context that was larger and more meaningful than her goal-oriented activity.
Goals help you make your place in the world and be an effective person. But being grounded
in intention is what provides integrity and unity in your life. Through the skillful cultivation of
intention, you learn to make wise goals and then to work hard toward achieving them without
getting caught in attachment to outcome. As I suggested to the yogi, only by remembering
your intentions can you reconnect with yourself during those emotional storms that cause you
to lose touch with yourself. This remembering is a blessing, because it provides a sense of
meaning in your life that is independent of whether you achieve certain goals or not.
Ironically, by being in touch with and acting from your true intentions, you become more
effective in reaching your goals than when you act from wants and insecurities. Once the yogi
understood this, she started to work with goals and intentions as separate functions. She later
reported that continually coming back to her intentions in the course of her day was actually
helping her with her goals.
Doing the Groundwork
What would it be like if you didn't measure the success of your life just by what you get and
don't get, but gave equal or greater priority to how aligned you are with your deepest values?
Goals are rooted in maya (illusion) - the illusionary world where what you want seems fixed
and unchanging but in truth is forever changing. It is in this world that mara, the inner voice
of temptation and discouragement, flourishes. Goals never fulfill you in an ongoing way; they
either beget another goal or else collapse. They provide excitement - the ups and downs of life
- but intention is what provides you with self-respect and peace of mind.
Cultivating right intention does not mean you abandon goals. You continue to use them, but
they exist within a larger context of meaning that offers the possibility of peace beyond the
fluctuations caused by pain and pleasure, gain and loss.
The Buddha's Fourth Noble Truth teaches right intention as the second step in the eightfold
path: Cause no harm, and treat yourself and others with Loving-kindness and compassion
while seeking true happiness, that which comes from being free from grasping and clinging.
Such a statement may sound naive or idealistic - a way for nuns and monks to live but not
suitable for those of us who must make our way in this tough, competitive world. But to think
this is to make the same error as the woman in my group interview.
In choosing to live with right intention, you are not giving up your desire for achievement or a
better life, or binding yourself to being morally perfect. But you are committing to living each
moment with the intention of not causing harm with your actions and words, and not
violating others through your livelihood or sexuality. You are connecting to your own sense of
kindness and innate dignity. Standing on this ground of intention, you are then able to
participate as you choose in life's contests, until you outgrow them.
Naturally, sometimes things go well for you and other times not, but you do not live and die
by these endless fluctuations. Your happiness comes from the strength of your internal
experience of intention. You become one of those fortunate human beings who know who
they are and are independent of our culture's obsession with winning. You still feel sadness,
loss, lust, and fear, but you have a means for directly relating to all of these difficult emotions.
Therefore, you are not a victim, nor are your happiness and peace of mind dependent on how
things are right now.
Misusing Good Intentions
When I offer teachings on right intention, students often ask two things: "Isn't this like
signing up for the Ten Commandments in another form?" and "What about the old saying
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions'?" First, the Ten Commandments are excellent
moral guidelines for us all, but right intention is not moral law; it is an attitude or state of
mind, which you develop gradually. As such, the longer you work with right intention, the
subtler and more interesting it becomes as a practice.
Hops, this next part is something that's been niggling at my brain in reference to M and reactivity his behaviors bring up for you, but also his reactivity to your reactivity, if it makes sense.
In Buddhist psychology, intention manifests itself as "volition," which is the mental factor
that most determines your consciousness in each moment. Literally, it is your intention that
affects how you interpret what comes into your mind.
Take, for example, someone who is being rude and domineering during a meeting at work. He
is unpleasant, or at least your experience of him is unpleasant. What do you notice? Do you
see his insecurity and how desperately hungry he is for control and attention? Or do you
notice only your own needs and dislike, and take his behavior personally, even though it really
has little to do with you? If you are grounded in your intention, then your response will be to
notice his discomfort and your own suffering and feel compassion toward both of you. This
doesn't mean that you don't feel irritation or that you allow him to push you around, but you
avoid getting lost in judgment or personal reaction. Can you feel the extra emotional space
such an orientation to life provides? Do you see the greater range of options for interpreting
the difficulties in your life? I feel that's important if you're to spend any time with M.
As for those good intentions that lead to hell in the old adage, they almost always involve
having an agenda for someone else. They are goals disguised as intentions, and you abandon
your inner intentions in pursuit of them. Moreover, those goals are often only your view of
how things are supposed to be, and you become caught in your own reactive mind.
Mixing Motives
One issue around cultivating intention that trips up many yogis is mixed motives. During
individual interviews with me, people will sometimes confess their anguish at discovering
during meditating how mixed their motives were in past situations involving a friend or a
family member. They feel as though they're not a good person and they aren't trustworthy.
Sometimes my response is to paraphrase the old blues refrain "If it wasn't for bad luck, I
wouldn't have no luck at all." It is the same with motives; in most situations, if you didn't go
with your mixed motives, you wouldn't have any motivation at all. You would just be stuck.
The Buddha knew all about mixed motives. In the Majjhima Nikaya sutta "The Dog-Duty
Ascetic," he describes how "dark intentions lead to dark results" and "bright intentions lead to
bright results." Then he says, "Bright and dark intentions lead to bright and dark results." Life
is like this, which is why we practice. You are not a fully enlightened being; therefore,
expecting yourself to be perfect is a form of delusion.
Forget judging yourself, and just work with the arising moment. Right intention is a continual
aspiration. Seeing your mixed motives is one step toward liberation from ignorance and from
being blinded by either desire or aversion. So welcome such a realization, even though it is
painful. The less judgment you have toward yourself about your own mixed motives, the more
clearly you can see how they cause suffering. This insight is what releases the dark motives
and allows room for bright ones.
Sowing Karmic Seeds
For some people, the most difficult aspect of right intention has to do with the role it plays in
the formation of karma. The Buddha classified karma as one of the "imponderables," meaning
we can never fully understand it; attempting to do so is not fruitful. Yet we are challenged to
work with the truth that every action has both a cause and a consequence.
The primary factor that determines karma is intention; therefore, practicing right intention is
crucial to gaining peace and happiness. In Buddhist teachings, karma refers to "the seed from
action." This means that any word or action is either wholesome or unwholesome and
automatically plants a seed of future occurrence that will blossom on its own accord when the
conditions are correct, just as a plant grows when there is the right balance of sunshine,
water, and nutrients.
Whether an action is wholesome or unwholesome is determined by the intention that
originated it. On reflection, this is common sense. The example often given is that of a knife in
the hands of a surgeon versus those of an assailant. Each might use a knife to cut you, but one
has the intention to help you heal, while the other has the intention to harm you. Yet you
could die from the actions of either. Intention is the decisive factor that differentiates the two.
In this view, you are well served by cultivating right intention.
When I'm teaching right intention, I like to refer to it as the heart's intention. Life is so
confusing and emotionally confounding that the rational mind is unable to provide an
absolutely clear intention. What we have to rely on is our intuitive knowing, or "felt wisdom."
In the Buddha's time, this was referred to asbodhichitta, "the awakened mind-heart."
It is said that a karmic seed may bloom at one of three times: immediately, later in this
lifetime, or in a future life. Conversely, what is happening to you at each moment is the result
of seeds planted in a past life, earlier in this life, or in the previous moment. Whatever your
feelings about past lives, the latter two are cause-andeffect phenomena that you recognize as
true. But here is a thought to reflect on that is seldom mentioned: Whatever is manifesting
itself in your life right now is affected by how you receive it, and how you receive it is largely
determined by your intention in this moment.
Imagine that you will have a difficult interaction later today. If you are not mindful of your
intention, you might respond to the situation with a harmful physical action - maybe because
you got caught in your fear, panic, greed, or ill will. But with awareness of your intention, you
would refrain from responding physically. Instead, you might only say something unskillful,
causing much less harm. Or if you have a habit of speaking harshly, with right intention you
might only have a negative thought but find the ability to refrain from uttering words you
would later regret. When you're grounded in your intention, you are never helpless in how
you react to any event in your life. While it is true that you often cannot control what happens
to you, with mindfulness of intention you can mitigate the effects of what occurs in terms of
both the moment itself and what kind of karmic seed you plant for the future.
Developing Resolve
Buddhist teachings suggest that there are certain characteristics called paramis, or
perfections, you must develop before you can ever achieve liberation. One of these qualities,
right resolve, has to do with developing the will to live by your intentions. Through practicing
right resolve, you learn to set your mind to maintaining your values and priorities, and to
resist the temptation to sacrifice your values for material or ego gain. You gain the ability to
consistently hold your intentions, no matter what arises.
Right intention is like muscle - you develop it over time by exercising it. When you lose it, you
just start over again. There's no need to judge yourself or quit when you fail to live by your
intentions. You are developing the habit of right intention so that it becomes an unconscious
way of living - an automatic response to all situations. Right intention is organic; it thrives
when cultivated and wilts when neglected.
Not long ago, the yogi gave me an update on her efforts to practice right intention. She said
that for several years, she had pushed and pulled in her relationship, getting irritated with her
partner for not spending more time with the family and demanding that he change. One day
in meditation, she realized that this was just another example of her getting caught in wanting
more. In truth, there was nothing intrinsically wrong with his behavior. It was just that she
wanted to spend more time together than he did. She immediately stopped making demands
and was much happier.
Soon after this first realization, she found herself in a situation at work where all of her
insecurities were ignited. She was in a meeting during which an action was being proposed
that she felt was unfair, and she sensed anger rising in her. But before speaking, she left the
room to reflect.
When she returned, she was grounded in her intentions to be nonreactive, to seek out clear
understanding, and to not be attached to the outcome. This allowed her to participate in the
meeting in a calm, effective manner, saying her truth. Surprisingly, the group came to a
conclusion that, although it was not what she thought should happen, was at least something
she could live with. "Sometimes I remember to work with my intentions," she told me, "but
then at other times, I just seem to develop amnesia and completely forget the whole idea for
weeks at a time. It's like I had never been exposed to the teaching. I mean, there is nothing in
my mind but my goals. I don't even consider my intention." I assured her that it is like this for
almost everyone. It takes a long time to make right intention a regular part of your life.
At times, the benefits of acting from your intentions can seem so clear and obvious that you
vow, "I'm going to live this way from now on." Then you get lost or overwhelmed and
conclude that it is more than you can do. Such emotional reactions, while understandable,
miss the point. If you make right intention a goal, you are grasping at spiritual materialism.
Right intention is simply about coming home to yourself. It is a practice of aligning with the
deepest part of yourself while surrendering to the reality that you often get lost in your
wanting mind.
There are only two things you are responsible for in this practice: Throughout each day, ask
yourself if you are being true to your deepest intentions. If you're not, start doing so
immediately, as best as you're able. The outcome of your inquiry and effort may seem modest
at first. But be assured, each time you start over by reconnecting to your intention, you are
taking one more step toward finding your own authenticity and freedom. In that moment, you
are remembering yourself and grounding your life in your heart's intention. You are living the
noble life of the Buddha's teachings.
Tupp:
I stored things at my Dad's, so there were painful jabs while dealing with them. Feelings if being.....well....feelings you can imagine being dragged through threatening systems by PD people doing all they can to destroy you while focusing painfully on your children to leverage and do trauma....and what was lost while defending and eventually counter attacking, which isn't in my normal character.....what it all cost my children, nieces and nephew.
Yes, not my normal character is just how I feel about my own situation as well. So revealing and such a good way to put it. I'm a lover, not a fighter! I just wanted to get on with my life - raise my baby, go back to work, meet a nice man, buy a little house, maybe have a holiday or two! I never dreamt I'd spend fifteen years battling my way through paper led battles and layers of deceit and injustice. But you can't not do it? The kids will suffer if you don't fight back; I found that hard to get my head round because I'd rather have walked away. But that option wasn't available.
THAT was tough, then came the home movies with shift in perspective. Turning away from a closed door of joy was how it felt....and I realized how attached I've been to the loss. I realized I don't want to manufacture that now very familiar dynamic in the present.....it was an emotional release....like a hand releasing something hot. A reaction....not a response, which is weird to BE reactive, suddenly, in a healthy way! Maybe for the first time, and bc of all the information taking root and space....crowding out old habits and unconscious beliefs.
Yes, attached to the sense of loss had me nodding. And I've found it very hard to move away from 'what my mum did to me' to focusing back on her, her awful childhood, her loveless, colourless marriages, her endless sacrifice of herself and her drinking in order to cope with it all. But I feel more able now to see her as a damaged person, rather than as my mum? Or as I wish my mum could have been? Is that the way you feel with your dad now?
Honestly, mining the depths of unconscious beliefs is a layer of work moving things forward in jerks and spasms, feels like, IME, but.... that's part of moving forward and inhabiting new space....not leaving any major layers of habit and understanding unseat with and behind, holding back, dragging behind, clawing and struggling....taking focus back, rattling and creating distraction I couldn't identify before but now tend to and try very hard to process and move into historic files with intention.
I feel I'm not at all done, but now have basic tools benefiting my style and ability to cope....to expand my window of resilience, as my T says.
Writing that out.....I feel very keenly the years of frustration and confusion when feeling centered and in the zone went away.
Yes, I find I feel very miffed when someone or something pops my bubble now. I like being able to go through my day without having to battle my own mind (or my nervous system kicking off or some trigger or other causing a panic attack). It's nice to be in that zone and unpleasant when it dissipates.
I have such compassion for myself and inability to just FIX it. The more I tried to think my way out, the harder it was.
I am so glad you have compassion for yourself and everything you've been through/are going through ((((Lighter)))))
I did collect useful information helping me understand and make sense of the therapy sessions, which I don't think I would have, otherwise.
I could be wrong, of course. Dropping expectation is a default now, not just a fleeting comfort during crisis and terrifying threats I couldn't control.
I think I believe all will be well, all the time now, rather than believe or struggle to believe, bc I'm stuck in my limbic system too long, not understanding why or how to get OUT if I can just remember to breathe and get very curious...things start falling into place, like dominoes. Feeling better begins dropping into place and new unconscious belief systems begin organizing , shifting, building and finally taking up residence without creating resistance and persistence of the old, if that makes sense.
Not only levels to notice and attend to, but ways to attend to help the process, rather than force and extend, with more frustration and judgment popping up, which I remember keenly suffering through.
THAT has largely been extinguished, as of now. I AM kind to myself.
I DO stop shame and guilt before it gets inside.
I don't judge...and that's key. Its6also a work in progress. So.etimes I have to remember, backtrack and SEE the situation without reactive anger.....and I do try. I think I mostly succeed now, and it's an amazing lesson if I don't. I compare and notice how each feeeeels, so different.
Again, a small release of emotionally dropping something dangerous and hot.
Dropping something dangerous and hot feels like exactly the right description. It makes no sense to keep carrying it, right?
Maybe the real shift is understanding how detrimental old habits truly are....believing....internalizing and processing fully so all the reward evaporates and leaves a void where new defaults are primed to....slide into place. The old default patterns fully processed and moved into historic files with a resounding slam.
Maybe. Not sure. Writing that last part doesn't feel as solid or known and understood, frankly, but I suspect that's the case.
It makes sense to me, Lighter. I was doing a meditation this morning in which she focuses on choosing new time line. The theme is that you release your old time line as it no longer suits you; you've learnt the lessons you needed and you can take them into the time line you choose for yourself. She refers to changing from surviving to creating and I think that's so true. Such a big difference between getting through the day and enjoying and savouring the day. I'm hoping for much more of the latter is coming your way now (probably with lots of moss! Lol xx
Lighter
Tupp:
I have managed to see my parents as wounded children....humans....not flawed parents only. It really brought serenity around those relationships for me. I was at the lake recently....after a big storm, and the day after was sunny and warm and very windy. Really beautiful. I saw Dad's house and land and the lake through his eyes and...
this is a little odd, but I wished he was there, looking with me. I took what remains of his ashes and threw them into the wind....they went so high! It felt like he was happy and free of the room he'd spent the last21 years if his life.....not caring about his dream of a farm. It was poignant and uplifting.
I've had a couple major shifts. Mostly being very mindful about gratitude and the numbers 555, 1111 and 440 are coming up over and over for me since. I grasp concepts more easily. I SEE more meaning in things I couldn't understand befire.
I'll write more about it when I figure out this wireless keyboard.
In the meantime, I'm very busy with big projects and my girls are doing ok.
Lots of traveling back and forth to lake and home this week, so not posting as much.
Will update soon: )
Lighter
I realize....I have energy and the will to do this work. It's bringing us closer....esp little brother. Lots of processing taking place. Getting to know each other...moving past old ideas of who we were to each other.
I'm feeling solid IN my body...at home. Calm. Safe. Reactivity happens but it's easier to see and deal with.
I'm happy.
being in your own motion
knowing I have a choice. In knowing I can put her down and turn away whenever I choose. I'm not ready today, but sense I will be soon, and that will be the right time for me.
Yup, the scary MIL is the only one left living. I had a friendly relationship with ex h's mother. I plopped my babies in her lap and fed her. I remained friends with my ex.
And....it IS amazing progress to notice very little reactivity around that contact. I'd say it was zero, but that's not entirely true, bc I didn't just put it down. I thought about her intentions and tactics and let her pov....her story, really, touch my need for justice and truth.
It gets easier to let that go. Acceptance sometimes seeps in slowly. Sometimes it floods in.
We made lots of cookies to be iced. 2 batches of icing wasn't enough to ice half. Will make more today.
My sister and I tag teamed yesterday. I took first shift in the kitchen. She took the second. I think I got the better deal.
I neeed spaghetti today. Will pick up sauce makings when I get glasses fitted and lunch with dd20.
I'm excited about the lake house. Lots of things coming together quickly. Sell or Airbnb....it's forward movement. Walking meditation.
:: nod::
How is your editing of spaces coming along?
Lighter
Brother wished us a happy birthday....via email, earlier this week. We've given him space to have and process his feelings. Everyone should receive that space, imo.
The first real contact....face to face, was this weekend. Nice enough phone calls then fast paced sharing of ideas while walking the lake house together. We ate together. He's on heavy equipment wrenching all the bushes and trees out of the ground. Alas, the bountiful fig tree sits atop a bonfire the size of a commercial building.
I'm afraid I ate too much....stayed up working too late......my nervous system was on high high alert.....Im not gonna lie. I'm feeling out if sorts....brain buzzing, not in a good way. Interesting to note it's very mild compared to what it would have been a year ago. I'm more tired, but also more focused....I can see the entire field, which comes and goes, but mostly comes.
So, back to work sorting bedding and drapes. The BIG edit continues.
Lighter
I should tie it down, but resist.
For people who are obsessed, if you respond to even one out of 30 attempts to contact you (even if only to reject them again), they will view those 30 attempts as a success because their goal was achieved, getting you to engage which feeds their obsessive fire. Their obsessive behavior will only extinguish when they have absolutely no contact to feed their fire.
The day went like that....like a filter on my brain was uninstalled. Like I stepped into myself.
Today the list is clear and mine and is THIS how men typically move through the world?
Thanks, Amber. DD18 and I talk without pretending, thank God. I have a small group of friends who enjoy talking about our truths, but I'm not sure how to go about my day with everyone else. Mostly I'm focused on whatever task I'm working at. I'm often not chatty ATALL, but then I can be super engaged with people dealing with troubles...it's interesting to think about how one presents....authentic vs fake. Serious vs playful. Engaged vs distracted.
My internal dialogue right now is....
Ya, Lighter...... you had a thought, were reminded of X, just keep trotting past that very real thing we're beyond now, it's ok.
I think having a response is better than letting the reactivity hang there....left to self correct while part if me observes.....tapping an agitated toe.....with expectations.
Back to non judgmental awareness.
Still no mail. Last night DD18 and I checked the mailbox and DD Said....
"Crazy Cat Man knows how to stop short of trouble with the law. It's like he's balancing his self control with skirting any consequences."
She's so right about that.
Lighter
Taking the focus OFF what other people do and say..... to focus directly on what I say and do..... CAN DO..... is the way I want to go.
Restore a child's viewpoint and provide safety and support for that inner child so it can release vigilance and need for understanding...
NRP found the chemical in DD immediately then tested me ...same thing, but our bodies handled it different. DD was neurological. Mine was heart.....
to re experience the trauma with my whole brain, capable of processing the trauma, filing it in my historic files and releasing it completely...... so it's no longer slamming around in my brain.
If you can't return to your safe space, inside yourself..... if you haven't created that safe space...
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I couldnt believe how much better it got when they moved out, Lighter! The stuff they pulled when they were home (even as full grown adults) got worked out real fast when there was no one else to clean up the mess they made. A couple of them had a day of reckoning with a roommate. I KNOW those days of reckoning will take place. I cringe when I think about it, but lean into it, CB.
I'm living with my son now--he isnt living with me, we are roommates. So I cant be parental about stuff and sometimes it makes me crazy. But I know the days are numbered. Some of what I get bent out of shape about are the things that I do to keep myself less anxious. I cant control someone else's behavior so I blame them for my anxiety. It will be interesting to see what I'm like when I'm in my own place for the first time. It's coming up! Ya. I know some of my anxiety is MY stuff. Sharing space should have morphed into the girls going off to University with roomates. In the meantime, I have a burning desire to communicate simply, identify problems and focus on solutions.
I think we're used to operating in a boundary impaired society, with imperfect boundaries in place and we're dealing with our more or less regulated emotions..... control dramas...... and I'm feeling pretty sick to death about going over those same dramas without resolving them and moving on to something new.
I get the underlying anxiety about your daughters and their mental health issues. I'm there. It almost feels impossible to picture them managing without you--you cant let go, but you know the natural progression of things is that you will. I have laid awake nights wondering if mine will take their meds when I'm not there (as I'm sure you wonder about yours and food). I've stared a lot of possible outcomes in the face and its daunting. What I know is that I was a hugely stabilizing force for as long as they needed me to be. We are all entering a new stage. I think we're entering new stages, ready or not. I try not to look down the road..... it's not productive.
Yours is coming too. I know this is crazy making--esp as you keep trying to have a conversation that will hopefully make them "get it". I love your daughter's humor. My kids pull this on me too--it really is funny but its NOT. Dammit. I have come to grips with the fact that they all roll their eyes at me behind my back.
I've thought about dropping oldest dd21 back at the house with the dog, but youngest dd19 is super angry at DD21's refusal to do basic chores and pitch in. She's been angry for a very long time. It boils over which makes me really uncomfortable. Sometimes they get along fine. I avoid the conflict, when possible. Dropping the girls off at home, and comingback to the lake to work sounds really good to me....I long to do that, honestly.
Now, that said..maybe DD19's anger is necessary, in our family dynamic, bc I've been SO allergic to conflict? Maybe DD19's anger has a function in our family dynamics and I should stop judging it good or bad.... just experience it and allow her to have it without trying to calm or placate her. Maybe?
And I'm learning to manage my emotions..... consistently.
I do believe I suffer bc I hold unrealistic expectations for how my daughters and I get along and how things are in our extended family. Keeping my eye on all the moving balls is confusion and frustrating. What I want to do is pare the dynamics down into their simple parts and KNOW them without confusion. I feel there are too many moving parts right now, but mostly around my children. I'm still discovering dots and learning about all the available choices.....and there's still choices popping up.
I'm so ready to address causes, discuss them and resolve them without getting caught up in reactivity. Mine and other people's reactivity... stuff. And I know I don't have all the answers, but..... I get to feel Ok about the things keeping me level... bringing me back to level.
I guess I have to make peace with weilding my own power, setting boundaries and eforcing them like a mother bear protecting cubs. Even when people consciously or otherwise confuse and upset me about what's really happening. And that's my stuff...... to notice when I'm being gaslit and sabotaged.
Is THIS about my needing to be liked and agreed with? LORD, why do I have to learn the same lessons from 10 different directions without SEEING it's the same old lesson, I just haven't figured that one thing out. Yet?
I'm dropping DD21 off and keeping the Pug.
I guess that's IF DD21 wants to go.
Grrrrrrr.
I want to get barefoot and paint things. The cabinets, mantles and master vanity..... and walls in Robin's Egg Blue.
Thanks for the input, CB.
CB
...it can't be done via the head-centered, intellectual approach. Too much possibility for being misled. There are a LOT of surprises on that journey. Like one doesn't lose the ability to apply that stringent intellectual discipline. But it's not only, not needed ALL the time - it's an obstacle in itself, at some times.
So "going flat" as just stopping all pretending sounds really authentic.
I was watching the same scary TV about killers that Tupp had been, so I was imagining something like the sociopathic stare just-before-violence one always hears about. Glad you cleared that up!
Yikes, no. Not a serial killer shark- like "flatness." Just a very focused annoyance/anger that's about to be turned into action or words. I think it speaks to my shying away from feminine toughness...... or anger..... or assertiveness.... maybe? I'm not sure how to blend toughness and femininity in a way that's comfortable. Maybe healthy boundaries takes the confusion out of it?.
I think you're spot on about the listening and the boundaries and the letting go of saving friends from their own bad relationships.
I think with my poet friend I need to get used to stepping out or away more rapidly. I focus hard on what she's saying, and damned if it's not a bit triggering. They are locked into a somebody's-gotta-WIN this argument stance, and it's exhausting just to hear about.
The last time I heard a friend share that kind of struggle.....i just flat out told him how tedious and boring it was to listen the struggle, bc it was always the same struggle. I didn't need him to see it, but I needed him to stop talking about it for my own mental health. On reflection, using the words tedious and boring wasn't a compassionate way to express that truth. It was all I had in my tank at the time...... it was me letting that build up over a period of years...... then losing my ability..... to be honest AND compassionate/feminine/healing and who says I have to always always be feminine and healing and compassionate? Of course I would strive to be centered and compassionate, given a choice, but thats not.....I'm not perfect.... or a monk..... or capable of holding everything for everyone, which I used to feel responsible for, I guess.
That seems to have passed.
I'll count it as a win, if an imperfect win.
About her/their fears of being alone, boy can I relate. I spent a year after breaking off the future-commitment-pretenses with M and trying to be his best friend anyway, out of residual love and affection and some dependent fantasy he'd still view himself as a future security for me as "his best friend." And he often tried to encourage that with little remarks now and then... But since I wrenched myself through the NC decision, the amount of freedom and peace and energy to do new things and meet new people has been coming through VERY clearly. Don't miss M!
YAY! YAY! You're doing great, Hops: )
It's hard not to project that positive result onto friends when we see them spiraling. I actually feel as sorry for him as for her...he's out of his depth and she can be very condescending because an academic tone (lecturing and "educating" him about sexism, etc) really sets him off. Then he says something belittling about her that she takes as a sexist-pig insult, when I often think it's just he doesn't have her depth of language or education, and speaks like an older regional southern man from a brutal family. She has many right points but presents them always as his "homework" and he is condescending in turn because he's very insecure about who he is as a man in this confusing new social world.
How frustrating and sad, Hops. That WINNING! thing is really tough.
And tedious.
And boring.
Also, he has a felon son with bipolar and dangerously high BP who's pulling at him constantly for money and that pisses her off too, because he's contributing economically and she's watching him just bleed away his savings to try to rescue the son, who may not be salvageable. (That's where some of my compassion for him comes, because I know the desperation with a spiraling child.)
It's difficult to support/help a child recover rather than enable them to remain ill.... esp if we're allergic to conflict, IME.
He's frantic on the phone with son all day and then she wades in and gets all furious about his comments and remarks that always begin with "YOU...never/always...etc."
I think they're in a very sad kind of cage match. I always pictured my brother and his wife clinched together..... their fingers in each other's hair.... death gripped together. Cage match is an apt description. Yup. You won't solve that one for them.
Meanwhile, you also remind me how important it is not to let my advocacy and love of my friend damage my own mental health. Thanks for that and I couldn't agree more, calm boundaries and stepping back -- NOT so much leaping in.
There's power in letting things be. Stepping back can be an act of self preservation, esp if folkes aren't able to hear us. Talk about a lesson in acceptance and releasing outcome. Our stuff rubbing up against other people's stuff.... our coping strategies creating avoidable tension, certainly the case for me with this friend. Stepping around the tension is better, if we can't change the original problem, IME. We can still be OK, even if our friends and loved ones aren't OK. It changes nothing, costs them and us nothing to keep ourselves level. Why that so difficult to figure out, Idon't know., but it is, IME. Hugs back to you, Hops.
Lighter /b]
hugs
Hops
I realize I have an image of it.... an idea of what it has to be..... and it always includes escalation, but that doesn't have to be how it goes
I haven't been worrying about settinng boundaries with Yelly Guy and that's a good thing, bc yesterday it happened organically and without any reactivity. I'd just spoken with the Cowboy and he decided he'd bring his zero turn mower back to the house and I'd borrow it to do that bit of mowing Yelly Guy used to do. Right now Cowboy trades smoked meats with his other next door neighbor for lawn mowing services.
I chatted with the Nurse for a minute on my way to talk to Cowboy.... she had this look in her eye...... just.... she doesn't get it and I decided not to talk to her about Yelly Guy again.... at least not till she brings it up, which is likely very soon for reasons I'll explain.
Working in the drainage ditch pulling weeds and lobbing them into the piles of leaves and branches on both the Nurse's side of the ditch and mine, I worked for about an hour to clear the ditch properly. It was very hot, but not buggy and I enjoy the work... weed pulling meditation. The moss and ferns growing on the bank is increasing.... I enjoy watching that happen.
If Yelly Guy weed wacks the weeds into the ditch, they turn melt into messy and smelly decaying muck and then it takes hours to clear AND I end up covered in muck with my boots full of the stuff. Not good, so when the Yelly Guy whisteled up on me, like Sheriff Andy Taylor, all southern charm and ease I didn't think about my response....
I just grunted and gave him a short glare he couldn't possibly mistake for a come'hither look.... just..... I'm done having him mistake politeness for an invitation for him to make unwanted advances. Done. SO done. I can't believe I'm writing this, but..... I have no plans to ever be polite to Yelly Guy again. That might come to pass... will see. I still like his wife and might muster it up IF she's standing there, but maybe not. I'm trying to decide how much self sacrifice I'll make for the comfort of others and why I do that.
YG went on to say "Well, I'm glad I won't have to bring my weedeater over tomorrow."
I said "No. No, you won't have to bring your weedeater tomorrow or any other day, bc I have this handled,. just like I have the mowing handled. Thank you for your hard work, but you won't be mowing my weeds any longer."
Yelly Guy whined "Well, I do it for everyone."
I ignored him, told him to say hello to his wife, then went back to my weeds. I don't know where Yelly Guy went.... i didn't look up from my work.
Yelly Guy WILL "tell on me" to the nurse, and she might feel some way about it. She might want to talk about it. We can do that.
I need to drive the mower I borrow over her property...just a smidge... to get to the other side of the drainage ditch.... I think. maybe not. Will have to look at it with the Cowboy. I do't expect the nurse to have a problem with it and if she does, I can come round my house and access under the power lines another way. It would mean the nurse has chosen to go to war to defend Yelly Guy's honor.... that wold be a huge PITA.
That's my update and my sister texted "don't back yellly guy into a corner."
She's concerned YG will lose his mind and go nuts...which is a possibiliity, but I'm done living small and fearful to avoid being harmed or attacked by large, or small, men who don't like hearing the word NO.
Right now Yelly Guy still has reason to BE ON or arouond our street, bc of nurse. Once that's settled, and it will be very soon, anytime anyone sees Yelly Guy will be reason for concern and perhaps to call the police. Won't know till I hear from nurse.... depending on how crazy Yelly Guy's story is, I'll know. I wonder if I need to clearly state the conequencs for boundary stomping TO Yelly Guy. I mean, I expect him to overstep the boundary..... I guess I could have stated the consequences yesterday when stating the boundary, but
1. I do figure YG has to be a wounded child and I don't want to harm or provioke him and....
2. I SHOULD be able to state a simple boundary and just have it BE a boundary that's honored..... and......
3. It feels wrong to threaten to call the police on someone who's performing a "favor" without asking anything in retun besides pressing into the space of people the good deed doer is attempting to have unwanted contact with/sex/whatever against their express wishes, kwim?
Evereyone on the street is used to Yelly Guy mowing that grass and walking through this cul de sac to access the forest on a daily basis. That changes IF Cowboy, who's deeply distressed and maybe ashamed of the story, and I TELL the neighbors what Yelly Guy is about and that's bad ju ju, it's a very negative conversation, it's news no one wants to be true or deal with, IME. People often shoot the messenges when hearing that kind of information, is what I'm trying to say...... and I have to tell you.... I ONLY care what 3 of my 7 neighbors think. As long as I have those 3 people on board...and I think I'd have 4 of them on board, then all is well on Lighter's cul de sac.
I was thinking... if Yelly Guy appears to just fade away..... it's not an indication all is well. I'm not going to worry about it. I have a lock on my crawl space. The house is locked up. The only person with a key absolutely hates Yelly Guy.... I'm putting in some cameras, just to what I can see.... there's electricity in the shed, so a camera there will show me everyone passing or coming onto my property. Will be good.
So, I'm thinking the neighbors need to know it's not OK for Yelly Guy to come'round any more. If the nurse would ask YG to stop using her then there's ZERO reason for YG to be ON our street. Not that he can't access my yard and home through the forest, bc he can. it's just that his presence, from this moment forward, won't mean anything positive. It will be a boundary transgression at best and heinous fockery at worst. Once the camera is up on the shed, I'll know if Yelly Guy is accessing my property.... feels pretty well buttoned up.
I'm learning to wait for the other show to fall with grace and restraint. I will cross that bridge when I get to it and not worry about it until.
Lighter
If only Yelly Guy posts were works of fiction, mouse.
dropping story and just allowing facts to speak creates HUGE space and spaciousness
What are your thoughts on entities and ghosts..... energy left behind?
I've had 2 experiences, both in the house I went to HS in....both in my bedroom, dropping down from the same corner in the room. Turned out, my sister was having her own experiences through the years and whatever that was, perhaps, mistook me for her on those 2 occassions.
My Step Father had an encounter with a UFO while picking peas in the country. Completely silent, very brightly lit..... he was a teen and the man wasn't one for telling fibs.
Other family members have experiencs with entities or ghosts going back generations in one side of the family.
My T says it's all about fear and pieces of people left behind, particularly around addiction and addicts. She said it's like a shadow. Shine the light of connection and love on it.... it dissapears. It's all fear based... once fear is gone, the shadows go.
What do you guys think?
What's really important.... what matters? What will I feel truly matters in 10 years... after all the choices have been made and all is done?