Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Izzy_*now* on February 03, 2012, 06:47:03 PM
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It’s come to mind in a round about way that I never had a hero when I was a child. The closest to one was Captain Marvel, who said, “Shazam” and good things happened.
I realize neither parent was a hero, nor were my siblings, or any relatives, even as I grew older.
Then the time came when I realized what a special person my Daughter was and I think SHE became my hero. I also think that is too awesome a responsibility to have attributed to her, unknowingly. I pinned all my hopes on her, and was afraid of losing her because I knew I didn’t “live up to my hero” at her age equivalent and older. She must have sensed this?????
The feeling that I was beneath her, not worthy, came when she was in high school, studying, calculus and other subjects of which I had no knowledge. I had high hopes for her, there were disappointments, but she came through in the end, and I lost her.
My two relationships with men, proved them to be not worthy of being on a pedestal.
Opinions, please? Even you please Dr. Grossman.
Did you have a hero, or stumble blindly through life as I did?
Thanks
Skits
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A woman who was a friend of my family took me horse riding, took me to parks, to the beach. One really hot day when I was with her and walking barefoot on hot cement she picked me up in her arms because my feet were burning (California).
She was the only adult that showed me any love, compassion or warmth when I was a kid.
I'm glad for her....because of her I imagine that I might possibly have some ability NOT to be a complete Nar-witch like my mother.
But I have to admit there are times that I find that I am not a sweet, cute-sie, or warm person, I'm pretty dark, serious, bitter, I'm a basket case if I try to have a relationship with a guy.
If I had any hero it would have been her though. Due to her I eventually realized how void of caring my family really was and how bizarre and unkind my mother is.
Sadly she had emergency brain surgery due to encephalitis (brain infection). She never recovered.
She never had her own children so in the end I think her time with me was as valuable to her as it was to me.
Overall she was an average person, not extraordinary by any hero standards but she was important.
I remember a couple of gifts that she gave me: a necklace that she made with little mother of pearl birds and a landscape sand thingy. It's just that I felt really special when she gave them to me. My parents never made me feel that way-there was always a begrudging sentiment that my parents had.
I have still stumbled into a big hole.
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Was reading something I thought interesting about a man whose father died when he was a baby. He picked out men to spend time with that he saw as being male figures. So he got to pick out qualities by his own choice (his heros) BUT he didn't have to
undo any harm.
There is like a whole thing of understanding and recouperating from harm that was done....as opposed to the void of just not knowing and not having. OR for (a lot of us probably) both VOIDS and HARMS...It's a lot to navigate and even after navigating it and understanding it that is just the start...so okay I could write a book about it but I still haven't built myslef from here. Yes, I've lived and I've done stuff but a huge HUGE piece of me is missing. I'm not 100% here and I don't 100% even know who the h@ll I am.
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Thank you Starlight
--for your reply.
I can understand how that friend would mean something to you, with that attention to fun and also alleviating your 'footburn'. Were you an adult (what age) when she had her brain surgery? or a child. Did you understand at the time?
Wow do I understand when you mention stumbling into a hole. I think I didn't crawl out of it until somewhere in the past 10 years. I've did it one step at a time, and all that is left is that my daughter does not want me to correspond with her.
This "hero" thing is, as was my intent, if my daughter were asked, she would say "My mother"...as being an essential part of all of her life, but I see I wasn't. So her hero was her absent father, just a fantasy in her mind.
I just happen to be watching a movie (which I didn't know was about abortion) "If These Walls Could Talk", and it takes me back to 1963 when I suspected I was pregnant, told her father, went for a checkup and came back to say to him, "Hi Daddy"! His first short reaction, I forget now, but believe it meant--- "I wish it weren't so!"-----then I thought I was mistaken as he brought in his family etc---and I left mine out!
I wonder now what I would be doing if I had, as I thought, had an abortion, Canada, 1963? or a "Home for Unwed Mothers, then adoption-- what to do? I cannot imagine!
I saw a photo of her on Facebook from Christmas 2011--well I didn't see the face it was of one of the little kids of her partner, and she was in a sofa chair behind, showing from the neck down. What I noticed was her left hand and it appeared to be missing its index finger. I thought, "Oh that poor person has lost an index finger".
I closed down the program but went back a week later, because an awful thought occurred to me when I saw another picture of her in a red blouse. Then I searched the site for the person with the missing finger; it was her and I was so upset. She was renovating their house and with all the sawing, (and my child + teen fear of saws,) I "knew" she'd lost a finger, and she is left-handed. I just didn't know how to handle that.
I waited another week until I was under control and my physical therapist had time to check with me, showed her the pictures and she saw the situation differently. In order for me to "unlock" my view, rather an optical illusion, I had to take a picture my therapist, in my sofa chair, demonstrating what my daughter's hand position was to make me believe she had NOT lost a finger.
What a big relief to see it through Karla's eyes!
I had to take a long time to "know who I am", and it was after some therapy, not during. I would sit for hours, just thinking about everything and I finally realized that I was very distant, if not absent, from my emotions, then...knowing I am not an N or a psychopath... I had to search and came up with Avoidant--- but somehow it didn't ring true until I came across Schizoid (skits), last year. The more I read the Forum, the more I see that that PD is a combination of things, none so terrible, but all put together it defines me.
I am okay with that now!
Good Luck to you in your Search for who you are! I don't know your age, but I am in my 73rd year and all I can say is that it has been a wasted life, although I have examined it over and over again! I really needed an essential person to guide me!
xxx
Skits
I think I have a hero now in my physical therapist, whom I have known since July 2009 and we are both in sync! I sure appreciate her (42)...... and she me!