Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on May 17, 2012, 12:10:49 PM
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Hi everyone,
I mentioned in my last post that I'd be back...I think my VESMB voice needed to be quiet for a while.
Thought I'd update everybody, and ramble some. With apologies for not keeping up with you. I have
popped in to read and send invisible support. So glad the board keeps going. What an extraordinarily
valuable space this is. For me, especially during winters, it's been a lifesaver. I looked back recently and was
stunned at how many years I posted so regularly, and also how deep a "diary" it was. Painful but also
heartening at times.
So...in keeping with a desire to be less rambly (good luck, self):
Daughter: Has cut off contact though I will be writing her in around a month. Long story
involving her realization she couldn't care for her cat, and blaming me when I found a home for
him (though she'd asked me to take him and knew I couldn't keep him because of allergies and my
move). Truth is, she decided to let him go. And, she could not face how much it hurt. So, she amputated
our relationship. I don't know whether healing's in store. She didn't call for my birthday or Mother's
Day -- first time ever (and announced in an online forum that "The last time I talked to my mother I told her
was the last time I would talk to her.") That's not true, the note she left me said "Do not contact me for
several months" -- but it seems to be what's playing out. I have faced it as fully as I can, the
possibility of permanent estrangement. Certainly it's happened to people here.
That's the selfish part, my own grief. What matters more is how she is, which is not good, from
what I can tell online. She has shaved her head bald, makes reference to continual homelessness
and unemployment, and looks very thin. She's obsessed with MMA (extreme fighting matches, is a
fan and posts about it--I think it started because her Dad loved it and that's a bond with his memory).
I can't get that, but I'm a different person. I can't fix her, rescue her, or intervene. She has made amply
clear that anything I do or say engrages and weakens her at the same time. So I'm leaving her be.
Now and then when my resolve to detach weakens, I find crumbs of information online. I know that as
of a few months ago she did have some medication and some counseling, but I think her journey
with bipolar may be very long, before she stabilizes. The worst outcomes are too fearful to express.
I think wistfully of people with incomes and insurance who get the care they need. (Catherine Zeta
Jones is one famous example). I don't know how a homeless, unemployed person with a difficult
childhood plus possible ADD plus bipolar plus mild Asperger's is supposed to "rally" or "get better."
All I can do is pray that all her resourcefulness isn't overwhelmed. Though I suspect it nearly is.
I will send her some money with my letter, but ongoing financial support isn't possible. I still
pay for her cell phone, it's one lifeline. (And, should she ever want to call me one day...)
House: It's sold. I have to be out first week of June. I've put an offer in on one, a wee house
on a good street. But it's been a very neglected rental that one friend called a "money pit."
I'll be careful and am trying to negotiate right now with seller for major repairs, and am praying
I won't get in over my head with all the others (minor but many). We'll see. My options are very
limited here and I've been looking for a very long time, so I'm hoping this one goes through. If
it doesn't, I'm putting everything in storage and will "couch surf" myself for a while, until the
right one appears. That could mean a year+ of living out of a suitcase, but I'll do what I have to.
Church is good, friends are good. I am doing a "spiritual direction" process with the new minister
and finding some surprising comforts in it. With friends, I am anxious and needy and they are
beyond loving and patient with me. When the adrenalin of all this finally calms, I will be weak-
kneed with gratitude. Already am but can't yet express it adequately.
Work is what it is, boss included, and I'm making my peace with it most days. Very distracted
lately so am not as productive as I ought to be. Boss has been away for a week or so and
that's always a balm. Meanwhile, if I stay in the present, I can cope with it. And I'm lucky
to be employed, in this town, at this age. Got to hang on here...no new jobs popping up
for a 62-year-old. Once I move and settle, I hope to freelance more. Or write my own work.
Got to run...thank you for listening, all. And please forgive me for not offering as much
support right now as I've received. You deserve full presence and attention and I know
I just can't give as much as I've gotten, so fully and for so long, from so many.
with love to you,
Hops
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Hops:
I've been thinking of you, and sending white light every time I come to the board.
Thank you for the update, and congrats on getting the house sold. It's been a bumpy ride, but that chapter's closing..... no more dealing with brother ever again it's hoped.
Sorry to hear you're estranged from daughter...... I think she'll come back around, in an ebb and flow of growth, for a good while.
Hopefully the relationship will find new legs once she's been on her own for a bit.
I've missed you, Hopsy, and am thankful you have 3-D friends helping you through these difficult times.
Lighter
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Hops,
Good to hear from you.
Sorry about your daughter, but good news about the house.
Just sent you some white light; did ya get it? lol!
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Hallelujah on the house, Hops!
Even on the work (and exhaustion) that's coming with a move... hallelujah... THAT'S over.
The light-stream's on it's way... don't forget to bask in it for a minute or so... you sound like you're going to be really, really busy.
Miss you!
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Hi ((((((((Hops)))))))))) - Glad to see you back on here. And sending you the white light you requested and an open space for you to let it in.
You made a good point about it being an inequity in the system where some can maintain their life and receive help for bi-polar and for others its a severe hardship. Anyway, thinking of you and I hope things get better for your daughter.
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Hopsie,
I have been away from the board for some time, too. I wondered what was going on in your life when I saw you weren't here when I returned. I'm so glad you've posted and that you have updated on your life and how things are for you.
Reading about your daughter, certain things resonated with me. I spent many years wandering through difficult times, including homelessness, unemployment and mental health problems. Looking back, I can see that I pushed away people who were kind and who wanted to help. I felt so worthless that I needed to be treated badly; by people, by life, by the system, by myself. I'm not sure whether it was a kind of self punishment or whether I'd decided I needed to have a bad life and drew as many problems to me as I could. Whatever it was, I harmed people who tried to help and mocked, all be it silently, anyone who had sympathy or empathy for me.
I can't say whether any of that is what is going on with your daughter right now, but from your various posts relating to her over the years it seems to me that you have done, and are doing, the very best you can. You can't fix her problems or even make her see them, necessarily. It sounds as if you have left the door open for her, should she decide to come back, and personally I don't think there's much more you can do right now. It makes my heart break to read about your situation - you sound so much like the kind of mum I have longed for and I feel so bad that your daughter's place in life is such right now that she can't see that and feel able to open up to you and let you in. I am sending white light to both of you; I really hope that, in time, she can deal with her problems and the two of you can work out something that you both feel good about. Send a little of your grief my way; I can hold it for you for a while and make it a little easier to bear. ((((((((((Hopsie)))))))))))))
I am glad your house is fianlly sold. That has sounded like a heavy weight for a really long time now. I hope your new home becomes something positive and welcoming in your life, a place of safety and sanctuary. It is great that you have friends around you right now and I hope that situation continues Your job - well, I will pray that your boss goes on leave a lot, it sounds like it's easier when he's not there :)
No need to ask for forgiveness for not offering support; you do it even when you're not here. I've just had another big clean out and thrown out loads of old paperwork I don't need any more, books that I hang on to for no reason, out of date packets in the kitchen that just take up space in the cupboard. I find all of that really cleansing and I do it because you suggested it to me one time and it works so well. I always think of you when I do it and feel your support as I empty my cupboards and unpack some of the grim stuff that still lurks inside me. It makes me feel like I'm not doing it on my own. Thank you (((((((((()))))))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hey Hops - quick bit o' news - we put our old house on the market Monday, this week - and after I posted to you yesterday, we got a full price cash offer. Looks like (fingers still crossed) we go to closing next month. TOO fast for comfort; there is still much to "do"... but it'll all work out, I think.
Hang in there - all the tasks get done eventually. D will sort herself out. And this whole phase, too, will pass.
big HUGGS for (((((((HOPS))))))))
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Wow, Amber, that's amazing.
A full price cash offer kind of means selling your house would happen quickly, ready or not.
I'm sure you'll work it out.
Lighter
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Lighter, Anne, PR, Ales, Bones--Thank you. I really appreciate your messages. I somehow believe in the light-sending even though I don't understand why. Thank you for holding me in light.
And congrats on your own house sale, PR. Glad that went so easily.
Tupp. Thank you. I was so moved by what you wrote I didn't know how to find words for it for a while. Simply, the idea I might comfort you in some of those moments makes me very happy. What a generous way you "held myself up to me." I'm glad to have helped you feel less alone.
You have just done the same for me.
love
Hops
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You're welcome, Hops!
Bones
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Ah Hops - sometimes "good luck" means there's a whole lotta work yet to come. Hubs' hoarding tendency is coming back to bite us. Going back up next weekend to deal with it again; but I can still remember to send you some light kiddo! I can get online there - but I usually I'm more focussed on the "git R done" stuff... and there's still a lot to get done.
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YVW, Hops, and such a good person.
Keep moving ahead.....
the journey continues: )
Lighter
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Hops - remember when all the details of what you have to do seem like one of those snowballs moving downhill at 90 mph aimed directly at you... if you just step aside a few steps... at the right moment - it'll miss you!!
It's OK to sit, put your feet up, close your eyes and let yourself sink into deep, deep relaxation for 10-25 minutes, in other words. It will STILL all get done and in fine fashion, knowing you.
Here's a daisy and a dandelion to go with your light. NOTHING can keep these guys from growing back year after year. Just like you.
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Hops:
I'm sending you strength and energy for the challenges ahead.
::picturing you in clear sunny spaces::
I hope you've been able to edit, and pare down the things that keep you tied to the past.
I hope you have the energy to cultivate growing things again.
Remember to dance, Hopsy.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter. I did edit, but there's more to do.
I don't suppose a parlor grand is a past-anchor? :)
It will take up half the wee new LR. But I love it--it was
too beautiful to leave behind, ever. I have a "fairy
grandmother" -- my sweet Dad's mother -- whom I
never met but whose face is sweet and kind, just like
his. I have a portrait of her in this soft rose-pink dress
with pearls sewn all over it. I have her ring and piano,
and I always thought of her as a kind of angel figure, so
I'm happy to take her with me.
I've tried hard to winnow but I know that once I move in
(fingers crossed--closing is delayed due to last-minute
snafus and some last-ditch obstructionism from Nbro)...
once I move in, then I'll be doing another sift and quite
a few things will go right back into my van for donation.
Did the best I could. Got it all down to 1.5 medium
storage units (including furniture/applicances). But
I like the idea of less, less, less. And having closets
designed for 1950 in the "new" place and no other storage,
is going to make "less" a lot more imperative. Okay by me!
Cart before horse again...it's much more fun to look at
paint chips than to focus on all the organizing and list-making
and planning I need to be doing over the next few weeks of
couch-surfing. (Pleasant guest room at an old friend's is
working out very well.)
I am assuming, hoping, thinking positively, that the delay
in closing will be resolved this week. But lawyers are involved
again (it's just a last amount of reimbursements my brother is
arguing about--not the Big Amount, that's done.) On principle,
we could fight him, and my lawyer and I just have to sort out
what point is the point of diminishing returns. (At what point
is it more expensive, not just money but health wise, to go
back to court for the last amount because of principle...or let
it go.) I have a break-it-off-regardless amount in my head and
my lawyer is going to help me confirm that today. Then we'll
know what to do.
Meanwhile it feels a little scary that the closing's not secure yet.
But I do believe these obstacles will get sorted out and then I
really can focus on the joys/work of the new place!
Thank you for asking about energy. Not as much as I used to,
for sure. But rebuilding my health and strength is top priority.
I need to walk every day, eat no junk, and be serious about
health from here on out. I think this break of "guest-room"
living may actually help me to do that.
So I'll be off for a little walk now, before work. Thanks again
for checking in.
love
Hops
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I've tried hard to winnow but I know that once I move in
(fingers crossed--closing is delayed due to last-minute
snafus and some last-ditch obstructionism from Nbro)...
once I move in, then I'll be doing another sift and quite
a few things will go right back into my van for donation.
Dearest Hopsy -
I sympathize with the energy required from the above. All of it. I swear, I haven't even had the energy to think, feel, or even look ahead to the "next phase", once we get to our closing. I've not even physically been doing the work myself, yet I'm still exhausted. We've had a LOT of help from the kids and their friends.
GRRRRR, regards your brother just pulling whatever stunt he can for attention's sake and to "get one over on you" after all this time, and creating a one painful, tedious claw at a time process to extract yourself from any relationship with him. I hope your lawyer is able to sardonically convey the fact you don't give one rat's patootie about "what he wants"... and that he must decide, say, sign or not... right this very moment.
This makes the third and hopefully the "last" time (in 2 years) that we've moved into this house. But my Lbrain isn't functioning well enough yet to explain that. It sounds like you're doing good Hops - despite the delay; and looking forward to getting to the "fun part" of moving into a new space. There are a lot of fun parts!
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Hop's:
If you decide to let your brother win this last small battle, consider it a partling gift, and let it go.
I know you can and would, but it pains me to think about you wasting one more moment feeling diminished by your brother..... truly it does.
He's nearly out of your life, and he'll always be an asshat.
You'll get to live your life free of his choas, turmoil and drama...... WHOO HOO!
Getting that final trade out of the way may be worth a bit of money?
I have a baby grand taking up half my dining room, so I can't say you've chosen unwisely there.
Of course, I have to have help editing, and I'm not too proud to ask when it's needed.
You sound good, and strong.
Hope you enjoy that walk, and remember I'm sending you light, strength and courage for the chapter ahead.
Light
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Thank you Lighter...as of this morning, it's mine.
(Well, mine and the bank's.)
I love it.
Or I love the idea of it once a new roof is on, the little trees are no longer growing in the gutters, and the other zillion repairs are done. Tight planning, but I'm getting enough estimates to start a collection.
Took a close friend by tonight and she loved it too, and is already lurking to see what she might get nearby when she's ready to leave her country place and move in town.
It is so perfect in so many ways.
The neighbor I met this morning mowed the shaggy front lawn for me, unasked.
Wow.
PR, loved your image of "one claw at a time" -- what a perfectly viciously accurate idea. My brother is gone from me now, left to stew in his own sad, sour juices. I will begin to feel sorry for him again soon, but don't feel any lingering anything else. I choked up when his lawyer gave me a plaintive message from my sister in law: "Is it ok if I contact her now?" She is a sweet woman, just trapped in misled martyrdom. I was moved to hear she hadn't let me go willingly. Other than that, I feel nothing but relief. He's no longer my nightmare and doesn't need to take up any more of my life.
I even called my D today, after respecting months of NC, and left her a loving voicemail including my new address. I hope she'll respond at some point but am not going to stop living even for that hope.
All is well and I'm moving slowly forward. Much much much to do.
Thank you for your support and energy and compassion and good wishes...they've meant a LOT.
love,
Hops
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Oh, Hops!
Singing to the tune DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD:
"Ding Dong, his hold is dead, his hold is dead, HIS HOLD IS DEAD! Ding Dong her brother's hold is dead..... "
Your NB can't jerk you around anymore. He can't go behind your back. He can't hold up your life, and.....
he can't drag you under the stairs, a n y m o r e.
You're free at last: )
Wow, that gave me a chill, just processing it.
About your daughter.... whether she apprecited the call or not, it was appropriate to share your new address with her. Sorry that relationship isn't on the mend, but there's plenty of time.
You sound strong, Hopsy!
It makes me feel good to picture you in a new little nest , all your own.
There's a garden, and flowers.....
and maybe space for a wee bonfire; )
Lighter
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OOOOO YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!
I second the bonfire idea!
I just love that you're already able to start making this new place your very own - even if it's only "virtually" while the estimates come in. Sorta symbolic of the inner transition you're going through, too. Lots of repair, tidying up, prettifying... putting in order. Deciding what life without the old "ball & chain" of Nbro will look like...
How NICE that your friend is thinking about joining you in that location, too. That's an excellent plan.
OH HOPS - let the fun begin!
Big, big, big hugs and grins and giggles!!!!
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((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))
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Sending love, light and paint samples to your new home, Hopsie, :) and much love and strength to you. Not many could have done what you have. Hoping you're settling in and that soon your new pad will be cosy and just how you want it. Lots of love, Tup xxxxx
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Peeped in for a minute after ages and see your update. So sorry for the struggles still with your daughter. I can't imagine how hard that would be. Just wanted to send you love and good wishes and hopes for some light around your clouds.
xo Beth
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Lighter, PR, Bones, Tupp--
Thank you. Still plugging away. Still wondering why estimates take so loooong. At this rate, it'll be late summer before I'm out of the friend's guest room and actually living in my new place. But I'm still happy. Every time I go by, feel so grateful to have found it. Loads of plans for deck and garden but I'm sure it'll be a year before I can do much more outside than pull weeds. It's been neglected, but the bones are great:
lots of hostas
some irises
nice (untamed) shrubs to identify (dunno why but I love shrubs)
2 huge silver maples with shaggy bark
a crepe myrtle
a dogwood
bunch of mulberry trees along back fence
a mimosa
one lanky rosebush
There are other things that will emerge and more-garden-savvy friends will help me spot them.
(And, under the old sad doghouse a nice concrete pad that can be the base for a garden shed.)
Beth, it was lovely to hear from you. And thank you. Things are hard with my D, except in a way, estrangement is also a rest. Completely excruciating sometimes, a relief other times. It's a deep grief and sometimes a fear. The negative feelings come in waves and then they pass through. I've done a lot of reading about it, and found I am not alone. There really are quite a few "good enough" and "well intentioned" and "never abusive" and "loved with all their hearts" parents out there whose adult children have rejected them (often but not always it's daughters rejecting mothers). I've found two forums and a couple books. Some of the material from experts speculates that this is partly genetic, partly generational--boomers having been too strictly raised and overcompensating with their own children, who thus feel less duty-bound--and in many cases, divorce related. Makes perfect sense. If a certain child lives through divorce (in my case 2 but my D lived through 3, since her father divorced 2 times also)...and enough other upheaval, then maybe to that child in this generation, family literally is not something inevitable. It's discardable. They see their parents "discard" what are supposed to be lifelong relationships. That karma, when estrangement really happens, may come back to bite us.
Those may be some of the social factors. And then there's genetics, which is something no parent can "parent away", despite best values/intentions/efforts. Sometimes, given the right (or wrong) stresses, experiences and influences, something just "will out" in a child's character. Mental illness, in her case bipolar disorder, can be a factor too.
I can't measure the guilt, but am learning a lot about when to sit with how I DID harm her (my second too-quick marriage to an immature bozo out of my "need" to have a romantic partner, which treated her to half her childhood with him at the center, since he was more child than she was. This is a very deep regret, for her sake. There is a right-wing talk show person "Dr. Laura" who horrified me with her rigidity and bigotry but...was so tough about putting any child FIRST and on some boundary things that I found myself agreeing with her in some areas. And painfully. In this area in hindsight, in particular. If I was going to divorce, and remove that whole safety identity of an intact family, warts and all, from my 6 y/o's life, which I do believe I had to do--then what I owed my child was NOT dating, and NOT remarrying before she was 18. Stringent and involving sacrificing my desire for love/romance, but tough nougies. If I was going to have a child, that is what I owed that child. In hindsight, I agree with her. That entitlement of my own, to have "romance" regardless of her needs--that was wrong and it hurt her. I didn't see it that way at the time, but now I do. And it's one thing when/if she is willing to talk to me about again, I can again apologize for, and ask her forgiveness for.
Likewise, not protecting her adequately from my Nmother's massive influence and control--being both a hypnotized Cinderella myself but also benefiting from my mother's help when I was a tired single parent--not tabulating the cost to my D of that overwhelming influence--though then, I didn't know what NPD was, still, my instincts should have been stronger. And another factor was my over-doting, over-praising her...which gave her a whopping dose of entitlement. Those are the biggies and I own them. I was selfish. And I didn't know what she needed. The downside of the 60s, for sure. Over-reaching in the other direction.
On the other hand, to show myself some compassion/mercy, I also think about the things I could not control: the culture's continuing implosion and media poisons, her father's alcoholism and later death, his screaming fights with her stepmother (and her witness of that, weekends and summers--which I could have prevented I suppose by staying married to him--because although he yelled a lot, I didn't so it would've been less of that-- but I still feel in hindsight that my divorcing him was the right thing to do. I couldn't bear his yelling. I did not know how bad it was between him and his second wife, though I should have figured it out). And, her brothers (one step, one "half") dumping her after he died, which devastated her, her other (his third wife) stepmother glomming onto her and supplanting me (she became the pal, she sent my D money, listened endlessly to D complaining about me and, I believe, never encouraged her to forgive or reconcile with me, instead kind of "taking the space"--she'd not had kids of her own and had a strong interest in that. She also had, in a sense, taken my D's first stepmother's husband, then her house which she inherited from D's father whom she married literally on his deathbed, and even first stepmother's son. My D was on that list. At first I was truly delighted they liked each other...until stepmother gradually froze me out and I belatedly realized she'd become a "best friend parent" to my D, and I was no longer needed (once I stopped sending money).
Another thing I couldn't have prevented--my brother, her Uncle's, attack on me which literally destroyed the fragile shreds of family identity--cousins, etc., turning their back on us both after he began his campaign. That I believe tore her sense of family futher apart. (And my mother, her grandmother's, betrayal of me. I can see that in a longer historical context and forgive my mother...but it was another piece of D's "safe world" that got destroyed at the end. It's all been just too much for her. I don't blame her. Truly, I can understand why she's done what she's done. Too much loss/death/harm/pain...and I'm the living reminder.)
And, to comfort myself further, I remember...simply how hugely I loved her, always. Too much, too immaturely, too unawarely. But in my pure heart, where it was not flawed, so profoundly. Still do.
It's been shocking to read in forums how many parents of ECs (estranged children) found that these adult children ditched them for good when the parents stopped giving them money. I still pay her cell phone every month, though the irony of paying for it when she won't call me, even on my b-day or mother's day, doesn't escape me. But that's one thing I will continue. A lifeline for her in her situation (I don't know how she is surviving and that's where the fears kick in), but also...perhaps a future way to hear from her, one day.
Our last encounter was typically painful. She'd asked me not to contact her for "several months" (after blaming me for her own abandonment of her cat, something I understood as projection--she couldn't bear it, and in her state of mind she literally couldn't take care of him) and I respected that to the letter. When I did contact her, just a voicemail with my new address, I let it be. Then a week later I had a message from the company that owns her storage unit in Florida, a message for her...and texted that to her. A few hours later got a text (my first message from her since February): "What part of do not contact me do you not understand?" I prayed, read, calmed, sat with it...then texted back: "Forgive me for misunderstanding. Your note end of Feb., said "several [x3] months. I love you very much, Mom". A few hours later, one more text from D: "Try 24." Ow. So...I'm back to NC.
Pathetically, I was grateful, even despite her cruelty. She responded! But that's what it's come to.
Meanwhile, the book "When Parents Hurt" is full of advice--90% of it on letting go and understanding all I can do is atone when allowed, work on my own mental health, and happiness. Even happiness. And very much no-guarantees advice on how to better manage even these terribly fragile moments of contact in hopes of keeping the door open for something new to possibly grow, one day (though often it doesn't, and some adult children keep the abandonment complete and permanent). I work on it with my T, also. Probably, my next contact despite her edict will be to send her a b-day card in October. His advice, sometimes, is that I don't have to "obey" her orders to not speak--as her controlling me to that degree isn't healthy either. But I do NOT want to shatter anything fragile. So, if he advises me to take her "24 months" literally, I absolutely will. That would mean that in June of 2015, I can text my child again.
There. Naked, that's how sad it is. But I am also committed to my own health, and healing. I have times of great grief but also times of happiness. I will not become a ghost if I can help it.
I'm off to church where every week, I have the comfort of a silent candle I light for her. We also have a ritual of "atonement sand" where you can step over to a quiet corner, write in a sand tray what the burden is, and then rake it away to release it. Every week, after lighting the candle, I step over and write in the sand, "Harm to D" and atone, and pray, and then run the little rake over the words...
Thanks for asking. Didn't think I could share all that here. But there it is.
How are you, Beth? If you're up for starting a thread to catch us up, I'd be very glad to hear.
love to you,
Hops
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Hops,
Our families are such messes. And guilt can not be put on one person or many. And blame cannot be given to circumstance or illness or genetics. It's all happened together and people all made choices... and... outcomes are what they are. But you do have to move forward and I think you are doing so as well as you can. And letting your daughter go might be the best move at this time for both of you. At this point, you are both adults and both in charge of your individual needs. You need to find joy and happiness in your life. If she cannot be part of that joy right now, she cannot take away the oy that she has brought you at vaious times throughout your lives. You can love those memories.
xxxooo - I will do a catch up soon. For the most part, all is good. Life is moving fast and I am hanging on and mostly enjoying the ride.
Love, Beth
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Hopsie,
I felt so sad when I read about your current situation with your daughter. I can see why she has certain issues - let's face it, we all do in life. I don't think anyone escapes some kind of heartache or rough ride along the way - and I can see that you feel you made some choices that weren't great (hindsight is a wonderful thing). But, to be brutally honest, it seems to me that you are shouldering a lot of the blame for things that others have done to her and possibly for some of the things that she has done to herself. I think it sounds like you are handling it so well but it makes me sad that she doesn't appreciate you and realise how lucky she is to have a mum that loves her, cares for her, is willing to admit she's made mistakes and own them, not blame them on other people. I'd love to have a mum like you - as I bet you and everyone else on the board would, too!
So I'm hoping that, in time, as you move in to that lovely home of yours, tend and nurture your garden and look after yourself the very best you can, that she will realise how lucky she is to have you in her life and that one day we'll log on here and read an amazing post about the two of you sitting in the garden together, talking things through and doing the best you can. You aren't responsible for the things other people did to her and around her - they each have their own stories and their own connections. We can't be everything to our children all of the time and there's such a big difference between a loving parent making mistakes and an abusive parent using a child as part of their dysfunctional family. We all make mistakes, Hopsie, but I really hope your D is able to see that and let it all go. It's obvious how much you love her. I hope she's working through her problems and not just dumping them all in your yard. We want your yard filled with plants and roses! I wish I had a wand to make it all okay.
Thinking of you - sending love - warmth - hugs and friendship ((((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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What Tupps' has said is very wise.
Glad some others were able to keep blowing on the white-light flame, while I made a trip through the dark-side with one of my own Ds. I need to re-read your post Hops, just to make SURE you're not trying to steal the check and pay the price for your D's unhappiness with her life, you, and what she can't control or change; the mental illness.
I know you watch out for that. But sometimes our subconscious selves can be a just tad crafty about new or different ways to get into those fixes. And I worry about thorns, poison ivy, and biting insects in your garden.
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Beth, Tupp-- thank you for your great compassion. I am so grateful. Your mercy helps me extend myself, a bit of my own. I also coincidentally met with our minister tonight and our talk went very deep. He too reminded me, as you have PR, not to take this ALL in as my doing, or all my fault. He says, flaws and all...it's really not. And reminded me just as you did, Tupp, of how my memories of her loving me, and our happy times, are still real, in the present, part of me. And not something her present actions can take away. I can still feel them. And I do.
I really know it's really not all my fault, and if anything, I have vacuumed my past for ways I have contributed to her suffering, and atoned over and over. I just miss her. The loss is like having the marrow sucked out of your bones. i told him it shakes my identity to my core. He, like a good spiritual advisor, asked: "And what if she never does?" I mean that it really was a good question. I said, 'You're doing the Victor Frankl?" He kind of was.
Anyway, it led me to a place of peace, for now. Acceptance is the biggest word in my vocabulary right now, and he reminded me...that is what leaves room for whatever is on the "other side" of loss. Accepting it "is what it is" right now can permit my times of happiness regardless. And, acceptance also leaves room for me to be full of a different joy if it changes. Either way...desired outcome or learning \ peace in the present with all that it is, even the waves of pain...either way, acceptance is the only path to happiness.
I didn't say all that as eloquently as he did. But he did lead me somewhere good.
I can testify to that in the present because on the way home my transmission had a coronary, and I didn't freak out! Just called AAA, and thought how lucky I was that it took me all the way to where I'm staying first. (Well, within a block.)
Love and much thanks again,
Hops
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Oh Hopsie,
of course it's not all your fault! Life is just more complicated & mysterious than that and it contains equal amounts of joy, happiness, silly giddiness and encompassing grief and loss and lingering sorrow, never more than one can bear (despite how often it feels we can't bear any more).
But new chapters mean we have this opportunity to look around us again - to see the joyful things that are showered on us, on a daily basis - without the same old, tired frames of reference. Our contexts change and we can either move into it and explore and have fun or cling to "stuckness" with a ferocity of desperation that really doesn't make sense, once we ask ourselves "why?"
You certainly deserve all the opportunities this change brings with it to laugh, dance, giggle and smell some new roses.
I propose a toast to Hops and my undying gratitude for all she's given of herself to help me and so many others here see our own opportunities to grow and move on.
Here's to your turn, Hops.
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Oh Hops:
Just when I was really and deeply questioning my lifestyle choices (shouldn't I be dating/remarrying/providing my children with a father, and male/female relationship models?) your reflections bring me some peace. I'll try to slow and stop the reflexive chemical dump I have every time my youngest asks me to "find me another Daddy." Ouch.
As painful as it is to empathize with your heart, as a mother, I learn from your journey. It's been a gift, and I have no doubt that everyone walking the earth would make different choices, looking back. That's what it is to be human. We learn from our mistakes, we atone (or not) and we do better when we can. Your heart wants to atone. Your heart wants to heal, and that's a gift your daughter may unwrap in her own time.
Think about what that gift would have meant had your mother been able to offer it to you. It's a very special gift, Hops, and you can only do what you can do. The serenity prayer comes to mind here.
I love the idea of you caring for yourself, nurturing a cozy garden again, creating sacred space in your little nest, Hops. This place of safety and love you create will be there for your child when she's ready, Hops......
and she knows that too.
Another gift.
Lighter
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Hey Hopsie,
I sent my mum a birthday card yesterday. I've not contacted her in five years now, except to threaten her with an injunction if she kept hassling me. Some of the things I've been angry about in the past - things to do with my childhood - weren't really her fault, they were just bad decisions. I think part of my growth, as an adult, has been to see that we all get it wrong sometimes, and that's just how it goes.
The deliberate abuse - and her refusal to deal with the abuse her husband was dishing out to me - have been much harder to accept, come to terms with, deal with and move past. But your posts about your D have made me realise that I wanted to let go of the past, to move on without it controlling my life and to lift myself out of the groove that was created by all the bad things that happened when I was young. I don't want to be in contact with my mum, but I do want to feel that I've finished with 'all that'. Sending the birthday card symbolised, for me, letting go of the past and moving into the future, even though I don't know what the future holds and I find that kind of scary. I'm hoping in some way that action, that shift, will somehow move the universe/cosmos/God, whatever belief system any of us have, around one more notch and bring your D a step closer to letting go of the things that are holiding her where she is right now.
Smiley light thoughts being sent your way :) xx
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Beth, Tupp, Lighter, PR, and Tupp again--
You are the mercy seat.
I can't express how lifting, reassuring, and most of all KIND your responses are.
Thank you. From deep in my heart, thank you.
You have each one given me not only perspective but...how do I put it...like a comforting, full-eye-contact, reassurance that is so very meaningful. I know that coming from you, given all you each have been through, forgiveness of a witless mother with her own Nspots, is valuable beyond describing.
(And Tupp, that you sent your feckless mother a birthday card, with your own spark of forgiveness, brought me tears.)
MUCH love to all of you (off to try to negotiate like an Amazon with brass balls, I mean eggs, for a used car).
hugs,
Hops
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........ (off to try to negotiate like an Amazon with brass balls, I mean eggs, for a used car).
hugs,
hops
Well, I'm hoping you got the car you needed, and at the price you wanted, Hops.
In any case,
....::raising a (fig.) spear to acknowledge your struggle, intestinal fortitude, and ability to persevere in the face of overwhelming rhetoric from a used car salesman pretending to ask his manager if he can "go any lower."::
......I'm with you in spirit.
Let us know how it went.
Lighter
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My brass eggs were clanking so loudly it gave the salesman a headache.
It was a grueling day but I wound up with a decent vehicle at a good price.
Haggled and held firm.
However, I also felt the salesman was a good egg, no pun intended,
and times have been hard for anyone in/near the auto industry. The
independent mechanics who checked 2 vehicles out for me are also very
trustworthy. (Steered me away from one that would've been a big mistake
and reassured me about the one I chose.) So this morning I wrote thank-
yous and testimonials, and CC'd their bosses, etc. That felt good.
All in all, it turned out very well.
hugs
Hops
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Glad the car struggle's out of the way, Hops.
What did you end up with?
Lighter
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A used CRV.
Astonishing what they go for, even with pretty high mileage...but it's got a great rep for longevity. I got it for the lowest-end Kelley Blue Book value. They're scarce and I don't think I'd have had a chance at it except that it had been traded in the day before...hadn't even been "checked in." The salesman went tearing around in the boiling heat to get it washed/vacuumed, etc. So timing was fortuitous (they also were counting Jul. 1 as still the "end of the month" for their June quota, so that was lucky too).
It had "Mom's taxi service" stickers in the cup holders and is the highest-end version. So I fantasized about a well-to-do soccer Mom who serviced it regularly. The mechanic wasn't into fantasies but gave it a reality-based thumbs-up.
(I had newer notions but remembered: drywall or better wheels?) Dave Ramsey will never know how much to heart I take his advice. It was his inspiration that got me to sell my previous car and drive a true beater for two years. Glad I did. Car = can on wheels for going one place to another, not an identity thing.
I admit I like it, though--and it's a purty deep blue. The glam white newer one I was considering (briefly) was nearly double what I spent on Ole Blue.
My fav feature is the moonroof. But for some very strange reason, it also has a built-in picnic table in the back, I kid you not.
:)
Hops
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I was hoping you'd name the car, Hops. They are loyal, (mostly uncomplaining) friends.
Now, the picnic table is bonus gravy!! That'll open some up some possibilities...
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Definitely.
Seducing geezers.
:)
Hops
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We bought a used CRV and it was a fabulous little car! It had high mileage but no issues ever!
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Definitely.
Seducing geezers.
:)
Hops
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!
('scuse me... I have to run to the restroom now... I haven't laughed that hard, since... I didn't see it coming...)
I wish you good hunting, Hops!
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Glad you're happy with it, Hops.
Hopefully that deep blue color won't be too hot in the summer.
Surely it'll look clean longer after washing.
Lighter
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To clarify -
my inner "flirt" isn't dead... I'm just not allowing her much play time lately... so I'm positively pleased that you might be willing to go there and it suggests perhaps it's time for me - to just stop thinking so damn much... and have a little fun.
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hiya Hops,
I don't see any years mentioned, but my car is 23 years old. I bought it when it had been used for 2 years by a salesman (1991), as it was the best 2-door for a wheelchair. It has just over 170, 000 miles on it, like a 4? year old car?
If i live long enough for another car I will buy whatever I want, as I plan on the quick release axles for a new 'chair and the chair comes apart in pieces that I can put on the passenger seat!
xxoo
iz
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Izz, so good to hear you.
And I LOVE people who take care of their vehicles and get them waaaaay up there in mileage.
You have many many miles to go, I believe, my dear.
And I hope more of them are pain free. Or at least pain bearable.
(I was offered a friend's 300,000 mile car for a week...)
It's like having one of those amazing cats that lives to be 25. Generates a sort of awe.
Like you do.
love to you,
Hops