Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on November 03, 2012, 02:40:23 PM
-
Hi all,
I wasn't really sure what to call this, I'm just a bit miffed and needed to vent :)
Christmas is coming. A difficult time of year for so many. Fortunately, for us, life is better these days so I no longer dread Christmas the way I used to, but it still rings a few bells and I'm very mindful of others who are not so fortunate.
I have an older step-brother, who has learning difficulties. His mum passed away about eighteen months ago and I have tried to help him out where I can. He is lonely, and people take advantage of him. He is quite difficult company at times, he can be very negative (family trait!) and it's very difficult to get him to see things in a different way, or try something new. He lacks confidence and, as my son is disabled, I find I am quite drained when it comes to dealing with other people, but I feel sorry for him so I see him when I can and try and help him out if possible.
I have been invited to a friend's for Christmas dinner, which I am really excited about. I was worried that step-brother would be on his own, though, so I've offered to cook him a Christmas lunch before I go to my friends and then invite him for the evening if he doesn't have anywhere else he'd rather be.
This is where it gets complicated! My nephew is currently living with my step-brother. His mum - my step sister - is living in a tiny flat with her new chap, having just gone through a very unpleasant divorce. She has three grown up kids, including the nephew, and three grandchildren. I didn't want to invite my step-brother if it meant my nephew would be on his own, and I didn't want to invite that nephew and not the other one as I know what it's like when you get left out of things! So my thought was to speak to my sister and ask her if she wanted to do lunch at mine on Christmas Day. Even though we will be going out, it won't be until the afternoon and I have a lot more space, so I was going to ask if she wanted everyone round at mine, I'd help with the lunch and then go to my friends for my own lunch.
As I'm writing this I'm shaking my head, why do I do all of this? I know how it will pan out :)
I spoke to my sister this afternoon, assuming she hadn't arranged anything for Christmas as she hasn't mentioned anything. It's all arranged, everyone's going to her, apart from the step-brother who's being left alone, and myself and my son aren't invited either.
I'm not massively annoyed, just a bit irritated that there are still quite a lot of people that I think of who don't think about me. She doesn't know we've been invited out anywhere so as far as she's aware we're on our own at Christmas. It's not a huge deal, it's more the fact she hasn't even mentioned it rather than the fact we aren't invited, and more the fact that I was making plans in my head to make sure everyone was happy and not alone when those concerned were not feeling the same about me.
Grrr. No biggie. Just needed to vent and off load. Thank you for listening :) Love Tupp xx
-
Hi Tupp
I sure don't have any answers.
When I was little we spent Xmas with Dad's side of the famiy and New Years with Mom's side of the family. All cut and dried.
Things changed when we girls had boyfriends and weren't with the rest of the family, then marriage and our own children/in-laws and the crowd becomes larger, then divorce and the crowd becomes smaller and I was beginning to hate the holidays with a passion.
One year I had 4 invitatiions and was so confused when I had turned them down, as I wanted just a Xmas alone with my D, about 10. Then they all called and wondered where I was.
FFwd to now. It has been since Xmas 2003 that I have not celebrated a Holiday and I am fine with it.
Karla, my therapist is my best friend and her place is totally off limits for accessibility and she understnads that I don't care to go and she likely would not care to be fussing over it, so we have our own dinner out on another day, whenever a time comes to celebrate: just she and I, not even her husband, and I am fine with that.
......and when my mess is all over and we celebrate with a BIG party, it will still be just she and I at a favourite place to enjoy!
It will work out for you somehow!
Iz
-
Tupp:
It's obvious that you care more about other people than you do yourself. That's amazing, and uplifting, but it's also a vulnerable place to live when the people around you care more about their selfish needs than anyone else.
It sounds like you knew instinctively you would be having that Christmas lunch with your older stepbrother to me.
Your sister isn't going to change her spots at this point, and it's very sad she didn't invite the step brother, her son lives with, or you and your child.
She's broken, and she can't do any better, I'm afraid.
What might help is letting her know exactly how you feel.....
share your fears, your vulnerability, the pain being left out without any thought has brought you over the years.........
that you forgive her, and you're going to change your expectations going forward to avoid dissapointment.
I'm so glad you've been invited to a lovely celebration dinner at a trusted friend's home...... that friend is likely becoming part of your chosen family.
You need to create a new family for yourself, as sad as that is, and let the others go, IMO.
They aren't going to change, and you deserve to be with people who are as careful with others as you are..... reciprocal care, gratitude, and trusting only those who deserve your trust, Tupp.
Go ahead and have that Christmas lunch for your step brother.... how kind of you, and your soul needs him to have that in order for you to be OK. You're a rare being who needs others to be OK, so you can be OK too............ so rare.
Enjoy that Christmas feast with the people you love, and who love you back..... that's what you want to model for your darling son.
Whether you have that chat with your sister, send a letter, or just let her go without a word, or don't let her go.........
that will probably take some journaling, but I think speaking your authentic piece would go a long way in dispelling the annoying feelings/anger/sadness you feel from being left out yet again.
I also think she deserves to hear your truth.
((((Tup and son))) You're so kind, and dear.
How could they not love you?
Because they're broken, and they can't do any better, that's how.
It will be ok.... keep building your chosen family, and modeling something better for your son.
Lighter
-
((((Tup)))))
Lighter gives such good advice. What your sister did was truly hurtful, and you have every right to feel upset about it. You're a warm, wonderful, compassionate person and anyone in their right mind would give you a place at the head of their holiday table!
But Lighter is right, sister is not in her right mind (none of our FOOs are) and they're not capable of acknowledging feelings (their own or others'), acting considerately or being decent. In addition, the holidays seem to bring out the worst in them. N-families are grinches in disguise! Maybe they're not even aware of how destructive they are, but there seems to be some compulsion to ruin the holidays for everyone.
I'd grieve this betrayal on your own. Feel it, journal about it, and then do something really nice for yourself--something that will make the day really special for you and step brother & son. It could just be planning a new dish, something experimental or something you'd never consider bringing to your sister's xmas feast. Or it could be planning a Christmas walk you and your gang could do together.
I wouldn't expect sis to be able to acknowledge your feelings of hurt. It's way more important that you acknowledge them to yourself and then reclaim the holidays as your own! Try to look at it as a chance to celebrate in a new way. In YOUR own, distinct way.
My T always used to say I went into situations considering whether other people liked me, instead of considering whether I even liked them. Maybe instead of considering whether your sis wants to spend the holidays with you, consider whether you really want to spend it with her. The answer might be surprising, even liberating! And it will free you up emotionally so you can begin to decide what YOU want your Christmas to look like. New routines can be frightening at first, but they can also be really exciting.
sending lots of love your way, Kay x
-
Hi Twoapenny,
I think you're on top of this one. So well thought out. I think the same as lighter, sometimes changing our expectations of the irregular people in our life is the most sensible thing to do. If you can forgive them too, the scenario gets even better.
tt
-
Hi Tupp
I sure don't have any answers.
When I was little we spent Xmas with Dad's side of the famiy and New Years with Mom's side of the family. All cut and dried.
Things changed when we girls had boyfriends and weren't with the rest of the family, then marriage and our own children/in-laws and the crowd becomes larger, then divorce and the crowd becomes smaller and I was beginning to hate the holidays with a passion.
One year I had 4 invitatiions and was so confused when I had turned them down, as I wanted just a Xmas alone with my D, about 10. Then they all called and wondered where I was.
FFwd to now. It has been since Xmas 2003 that I have not celebrated a Holiday and I am fine with it.
Karla, my therapist is my best friend and her place is totally off limits for accessibility and she understnads that I don't care to go and she likely would not care to be fussing over it, so we have our own dinner out on another day, whenever a time comes to celebrate: just she and I, not even her husband, and I am fine with that.
......and when my mess is all over and we celebrate with a BIG party, it will still be just she and I at a favourite place to enjoy!
It will work out for you somehow!
Iz
Thank you, Izzy. I am glad you've got to a point where you are content with your holiday plans. They put a lot of pressure on us, don't they? Seems a bit of a silly tradition when it makes so many people unhappy and alone. Your Karla sounds like an angel :) I hope your situation is sorted out soon and you and Karla paint the town red. Soon, hopefully! :) Thank you.
-
Lighter, thank you, as always, for your kind words. You are right, I do put myself in this position over and over. The positives are that I tend to recognise it more now, and more quickly. It's funny how difficult we can all be, some thinking of others too much and some not enough. I think it triggered some things that have moved around in my head for a while. I seem to attract people into my life who are very, very close to me and then vanish when their lives improve. I've had a number of situations now where I've thought I was good friends with someone and then discovered I was filling a gap for them and was discarded once no longer needed (and we all know where that started!). But it's good to have the perspective and to be able to see it a little better from outside of the situation.
The friends who have invited us for lunch are like a surrogate family for me; I am certainly closer to them than my own family. They're lovely people, all a bit mad (in a nice way, they're good fun), very generous and very understanding of my son's special needs. It will be a lovely afternoon at theirs and you are right, I wouldn't be happy if I knew my step-brother was on his own all day. Time to start waving bye bye to some people and putting myself first. It's like ripping off plasters! Thank you for your love and understanding. Tupp.
PS Are you still walking on cloud nine because YOU WON?! :) I still smile whenever I think of it :) xx
Kay, thank you too, for your kindness and good advice. I couldn't reply for a while after reading your post because the bit you said at the end about considering whether I wanted to spend Christmas with my sister really hit home. I thought about it through the afternoon and do you know what, I don't? If I'm totally honest and put other people's feelings aside for now I really don't. It was a bit of a shock to me, to be honest. How funny that we don't see these things until someone else points them out. Thank you for your honesty and your support. Tupp.
Tear Tracks, thank you. Yes, different expectations and forgiveness. I'm getting there. The path is clearing for a brighter future and all that! Thank you xx
-
Lighter,
PS Are you still walking on cloud nine because YOU WON?! :) I still smile whenever I think of it :) xx
I am walking on cloud 9, and I am a very happy camper, Tupp: )
And guess what!?!? The Judge's office phoned my attorney yesterday and gave us a date to have our legal fees ready for consideration when she rules on awarding legal fees! WHOO HOO! I was afraid her final order excluded fees, but I was happy anyway! Hey, it feels so good to feel so light, and normal again! YA!
Here's to standing up to the PD bullies, doing the work to document their abusive conduct, and holding them accountable for their terrible deeds....
::raising coffee mug::....
Sometimes the simple act of advocating for ourselves is a balm.
Lighter
-
Lighter,
PS Are you still walking on cloud nine because YOU WON?! :) I still smile whenever I think of it :) xx
I am walking on cloud 9, and I am a very happy camper, Tupp: )
And guess what!?!? The Judge's office phoned my attorney yesterday and gave us a date to have our legal fees ready for consideration when she rules on awarding legal fees! WHOO HOO! I was afraid her final order excluded fees, but I was happy anyway! Hey, it feels so good to feel so light, and normal again! YA!
Here's to standing up to the PD bullies, doing the work to document their abusive conduct, and holding them accountable for their terrible deeds....
::raising coffee mug::....
Sometimes the simple act of advocating for ourselves is a balm.
Lighter
Ah Lighter, I am so happy for you and your girls :) Having someone back you up officially like that is worth its weight in gold, but knowing you might get some of your money as well is the icing on the cake. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you xx
-
And following on from Lighter's comment about advocating for ourselves being a balm - today I practised being assertive - no more overly nice Twoapenny!
My sister arrived, unannounced and upset over something that had happened earlier in the day. I only see her when she's upset about something. Several things strike me - one, that she never calls to check it's okay to come round first, two, that I don't see her unless something bad has happened and three, that the reason I never see her is because she's always doing stuff with her partner and grown up kids which is, of course, absolutely fine, but why does she come to me when she's upset and not them?
I didn't try and comfort her, I just said I was sure it would be fine and get sorted, I didn't offer her anything to eat (I normally feel like I need to feed people, I don't know why), her brother was there at the time (the one the Christmas hoo ha has been about) and she didn't want to talk to him, normally I laugh and joke and fill in the gaps to make everyone feel better but I didn't and just let the awkward silences grow. I carried on with what I was doing anyway, made it clear we were going out and they both left after about half an hour. I didn't feel guilty - in fact I felt quite pleased with myself.
I don't mind listening to people's problems or helping people out but I am realising that there are a lot of one way streets in my relationships and they're not heading in my direction!
-
And following on from Lighter's comment about advocating for ourselves being a balm - today I practised being assertive - no more overly nice Twoapenny!
My sister arrived, unannounced and upset over something that had happened earlier in the day. I only see her when she's upset about something. Several things strike me - one, that she never calls to check it's okay to come round first, two, that I don't see her unless something bad has happened and three, that the reason I never see her is because she's always doing stuff with her partner and grown up kids which is, of course, absolutely fine, but why does she come to me when she's upset and not them?
I didn't try and comfort her, I just said I was sure it would be fine and get sorted, I didn't offer her anything to eat (I normally feel like I need to feed people, I don't know why), her brother was there at the time (the one the Christmas hoo ha has been about) and she didn't want to talk to him, normally I laugh and joke and fill in the gaps to make everyone feel better but I didn't and just let the awkward silences grow. I carried on with what I was doing anyway, made it clear we were going out and they both left after about half an hour. I didn't feel guilty - in fact I felt quite pleased with myself.
I don't mind listening to people's problems or helping people out but I am realising that there are a lot of one way streets in my relationships and they're not heading in my direction!
Hear!! Hear!!!
-
Tupp:
It's nice to see you put yourself first.
Something to practice feeling empowered by, while resisiting the knee jerk barrage of guilt you're expected to feel.
It sounds like your sister uses you for a dumping ground when she's feeling negative, and that you've traditionally been a safe place to dump, receive care, mommy food and comfort whenever she chooses to use you. She probably doesn't even know she's doing this, but you can stop it, or even better, let her know you're stopping it, how it makes you fee, and why.
Frankly, I think you need to speak your authentic truth, even if the listener refuses to hear.......
at least you heard yourself speak it and felt you were worthy of having that voice, kwim?
Also, your son will learn when you're able to model being open, honest and truly present in a relationship (((Tup, and son.)))
Lighter
-
Thank you, Bonesie :) xx
Lighter, I think you're right. It's not just my sister either, quite a few of my friends - in fact the majority of them - pick me up and put me down whenever they feel like it. I need to start being honest with people about how it makes me feel.
I find it quite difficult. I had to go out for the day today because I felt so angry that if my sister had turned up again I'd have let rip, and I don't want to do that. She sent me a text saying she hoped she hadn't upset me and she was sorry if she had. I haven't replied yet, I've been thinking things through. I'm thinking perhaps text is the best way to deal with it. A letter seems too formal and if we do it face to face she will cry and I find that hard to cope with. So a simple text message, non confrontational, simple, open - this is how I feel at the moment, x, y and z and just leave it open - no demands, no insistence, just I can't do these things any more - plain, honest, simple. It's feeling at the minute like the best way to deal with it. What do you guys think?
-
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud, maybe something along the lines of "I feel that there are some people in my life now that I only see or hear from if they are upset or have a problem. It would be nice to see xxxxxx when you are happy and in a good place and not just when you are feeling bad and things are going wrong. I am very busy all day, every day with (my son) and it isn't fair on him or me for people to just turn up, it interupts the work I am doing with him and stops me from getting things done, and I need to get things done in order to cope and manage on my own. It would be much easier for everyone to call and arrange convenient times instead of turning up unannounced."
Just drafting, but maybe something like that? I also think I should say that I do think she ought to do something with her brother over Christmas, even if it's just half an hour for a coffee. I don't think it's a lot to ask of someone and it would mean a lot to him (and it frustrates me that his own family can't be bothered and are happy to let me sort it out knowing that I just don't have it in me to leave him by himself all over the holiday). So perhaps I need to include a sentence suggesting that as well.
Thanks for letting me vent/off load, it helps to get it on screen and out of my over worked head :)
-
Tupp:
You're gifting your friends and family a part of yourself when you're authentic and share your fears, and hurt with them.
You can provide an opportunity for understanding and better communication.
You can listen to their response and make informed adult decisions about where you really want to file that person in your life based on facts, and not fear.
IF you decide to put healthy boundaries in place surrounding visitors, it doesn 't have to be viewed an an act of aggession.... it can be a simple request with consequences stated rationally. Nothing personal, no anger, no blaming, just you taking care of your own needs appropriately which can feel so wrong or bad if you don't know what boundaries are or feel you're worthy of them.
Time to start practicing. It gets easier my dearL: ) I like writing things like that out too, and the reader can go back and re read as needed without any unintended inflections getting in the way, kwim?
Heck, I think a letter is fine, not too formal at all. (besides I peck out texts v e r r r r y s l o w w w ly; ) Not to mention editing is a PITA.
Love,
Lighter
-
Hi ((((Tupp)))) --
I had your posts rolling around my mind today, but couldn't get time to answer.
What kind of rises up for me, is that I wonder...perhaps you are lonely.
(Lord knows I often am.)
The approach of the holidays (hell, EVERYTHING about the holidays) makes it so much harder.
If you kind of set aside the whole Hollllllllllllllllllllllllllliday frenzy/expectation/cultural trigger to start feeling some FAMILY happiness...could it also be true that you need more dear, good, reciprocal friends in your life?
I think that whole question means (plus the feelings you're having in a lot of friendships you do have) that it just hurts more, when FOO members bang on bruises, hurt or hurt with neglect, etc.
I hear you about your awakening to a lot of your relationships being NON-reciprocal. Good for you for noticing that, this is huge. Really. I think it has enormous impact on one's future happiness when one begins to see that an adequate measure of reciprocity is what characterizes healthy relationships. Even if one hasn't had many, spotting that, and learning to instinctively retreat when it's all one-way...is what people WITHOUT N-scars do!
Who knew!!!!
I salute you for this realization. Some of your struggles also remind me a bit of what gets labeled "codependency" -- and some of the classic literature on that might lift your spirits, and boost your self-esteem, right about now....
With love to you,
Hops
-
Hi Hopsie,
Thank you. The co-dependency stuff is spot on. I feel like I've drifted back into a situation I got myself out of, at least partially. I am terribly, terribly lonely and now being honest about the fact that I have very few real, healthy friends is feeling difficult.
I kind of feel tied to people if they've helped me or been nice to me in any way in the past. I feel like I owe them. I always feel like I'm getting above myself if I start 'making demands' (when really I'm setting boundaries). I've had so many friends over the years who've simply stopped calling once I'm no longer useful. I'm in that sort of place where you clear out the bad bits and then you're left with nothing for a while. I don't meet many people, and certainly not many who I want to spend much time with.
I also find it impossible to ignore people who are feeling something that I've felt before - loneliness, fear, isolation etc. I know how bad it felt for me and I can't bear to think of anyone else feeling that way. I find it hard not to be likeable, even if people only like me because I'm doing things for them. I think I read something about that being a fear of intimacy as well, not being able to connect on an emotional level so keeping it safe with practical help rather than bearing your soul. I have my library of self help books, it seems it might be time to start leafing through them again!
-
Tupp:
You're gifting your friends and family a part of yourself when you're authentic and share your fears, and hurt with them.
You can provide an opportunity for understanding and better communication.
You can listen to their response and make informed adult decisions about where you really want to file that person in your life based on facts, and not fear.
IF you decide to put healthy boundaries in place surrounding visitors, it doesn 't have to be viewed an an act of aggession.... it can be a simple request with consequences stated rationally. Nothing personal, no anger, no blaming, just you taking care of your own needs appropriately which can feel so wrong or bad if you don't know what boundaries are or feel you're worthy of them.
Time to start practicing. It gets easier my dearL: ) I like writing things like that out too, and the reader can go back and re read as needed without any unintended inflections getting in the way, kwim?
Heck, I think a letter is fine, not too formal at all. (besides I peck out texts v e r r r r y s l o w w w ly; ) Not to mention editing is a PITA.
Love,
Lighter
Thank you, Lighter :) It's really bothering me again now, I felt alright about it earlier today. Part of me wants to be honest and say how I feel, the other part just wants to cut them out completely and not have to deal with it - fight or flight response, I suppose. I think dealing with it is healthier.
-
Hi Twoapenny,
"You can please some of the people all of the time. You can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."
Abe Lincoln
A teensy weensy cliche - and it only addresses a teensy weensy part of your situation. :()
tt
-
Hi TT,
Thank you, I know what you mean and it does help so thank you for posting :) I feel better now I've slept on it; I'm just going to tell her (and some others) straight and if they get upset/angry etc then that is just how it is. I work really hard with my son, I've every right to expect people to visit when it's convenient for me, not just for them and also to expect them to see me as a person with thoughts, feelings, emotions and not just as a skip they can dump all their stuff into. I've realised that most people I know are like this, really I've known for ages but the prospect of admitting how lonely I am and how I have very few real friends (and the ones I have are miles away) was just too much to cope with. It's out now though, and I'm dealing with it so it's onwards and upwards from here. Thank you xx
-
Just thinking about loud again. Some of the friends I am complaining about only visiting when they have a problem will do me favours if I ask them to, but there's no two way socialising between us. I'm wondering if they have a co-dependency thing going on with me as well? Perhaps that's why we're drawn to each other? We help each other out when necessary but then flounder a bit when it just comes to spending time together and enjoying ourselves?
-
Exploring, educating ourselves, and discovering our own truths is so much more interesting than dwelling on the flaws of others, or repeating unhealthy patterns with the same unsatisfying results.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to add and experiment with additions and subtractions to our lives every week?
We could decide to replace one thing/activity with something uplifting, interesting, engaging and totally something we'd normally never consider..........
then DO IT!
I don't know why that's so exciting to consider, Tupp.
I think bc it might be like cracking the closet door and finding unexpected sunshine and lollipops for some of us.
MMMmmmm, Jolly Rancher Watermelon lollipops!
Light
-
Lighter I've no idea what Jolly Rancher Watermelon lollipops are but you've made me want to try some :) Excitement is the way forward :)
I've sent my text, the reply back is that she didn't come to my house with a problem. All the stuff I wrote about people turning up unannounced, how busy I am with my son, how it would be nice to see people for good times and not just when things are bad has been ignored. Her text to me yesterday was apologising if she upset me, now I've explained what I am upset about she is denying it. I am too tired for these relationships now. I will text back that I thought she had come with a problem and just leave it at that. Now I'm off to hunt for lollipops :)
-
Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a stream of consciousness now, I'm just jotting things down as I think of them!
Something that I've been thinking about a lot this morning is that virtually no-one spends any time with my son. He is the loveliest, sweetest, cutest little man, yet no-one in my family wants much to do with him, and some of my 'friends' don't bother either. I hadn't really thought about this much before. But now I am, I'm realising I really must spend time with people who do want to be around him and not keep letting other people take up my time - they take it away from both of us and don't give it back. So I need to clear those people out so I can make space for more people who love him as much as I do.
-
And another one from me!
There have been a couple of texts back and forth with me and my sister this morning. I don't want to argue about it - particularly not over text - so I've just said fine and don't worry about it. I've said my bit and been honest about how I feel and now I'm just not going to let anyone in if they turn up unannounced or give out tea and sympathy to anyone that I don't see for any other reason. Now she's sent me another text saying she is worried about it and me and she's going to let me have time out? I've no idea what to make of it so I've just put my phone away, I'd be interested in what you all make of that? I think my mindset now is it's done, I've said my bit and there's no point discussing it, it now needs to be down to me changing my behaviour and being more assertive, putting myself first and so on. So I think I'm going to just leave it as it is and do nothing now.
I've also just been to see my friend whose daughter died a few years ago, it's the anniversary today and I just went to take some flowers to her grave and stood there while my friend sobbed in my arms. She's still in so much pain and probably always will be, it made me think that life is too precious to waste it on people who don't appreciate you xxx
-
Hi Tupp--
I'm wondering if a way to derail yourself from an intense "rescue people so they'll love me" approach to 1-on-1 relationships,
which backfires in your not being appreciated and feeling lonelier...would be to begin to approach relationships that are more
about COMMUNITY BUILDING than they are, at least at first, about 1-on-1 intimacy or bonding?
IOW, though I know I bang on this like a broken record...what if you and your dear boy got involved in an existing, positive
community? I'm always mentioning how for me, it's the Unitarian Universalists, but it could be Quakers, or any liberal denomination,
or a well-run and very well reputed organization of volunteers that embraces family rather than only individual participation.
I think if the focus on other people that you try for a while is "focus on other people while doing something TOGETHER for something
ELSE -- e.g., a cause or purpose or creative endeavor or social change issue" -- THEN, you are more likely to make friends in a
healthier way.
Community really, truly...is healing.
love
Hops
-
Thank you Hopsie, that is definitely something I will think about and try to get into. I like the suggestion very much. Thank you :) xx
-
And another one from me!
There have been a couple of texts back and forth with me and my sister this morning. I don't want to argue about it - particularly not over text - so I've just said fine and don't worry about it. I've said my bit and been honest about how I feel and now I'm just not going to let anyone in if they turn up unannounced or give out tea and sympathy to anyone that I don't see for any other reason. Now she's sent me another text saying she is worried about it and me and she's going to let me have time out? I've no idea what to make of it so I've just put my phone away, I'd be interested in what you all make of that? Did you feel a pang of rejection/panic/fear when you read your sister would be giving you a time out? I'm thinking she's either using a terrorist tactic to get you back in line, or she truly doesn't know what you're talkinga bout (bc she's insensitive/clueless or any number of other reasons) and doesn't want to make things worse, or deal with trying to understand. Honestly, it sounds like everything's about your sister when she's involved in anything. What really clues me in is her refusal to invite her brother to large festive gatherings....... and she doesn't invite you either. WTH? That's cold, thoughtless and selfish conduct, and she isn't able to see that? Something's busted inside her, Tupp. She can't do any better, and that leaves you adjusting your expectations, and doing what you have to do.
As long as you care about how sister views you.... as long as her accusation get the knee jerk reaction she's used to getting from you.... as long as she's able to control your behavior bc you're afraid of being viewed as a cold, heartless, mean person you won't be able to make better choices without terrible guilt/shame and discomfort. Time to have a come to Jesus with yourself.... I suggest journaling this all out till you've internalized it all and can discuss it with anyone without becomoning triggered by anything anyone says. THAT is when you start valuing what you think more than what others think of you. That is when you can make better choices with serenity. It's not about punishing others, or being cruel. It's about self care and modeling that for your son. It's about having a life with reciprocal relationships that require you and your son have your needs met as well. I think my mindset now is it's done, I've said my bit and there's no point discussing it, it now needs to be down to me changing my behaviour and being more assertive, putting myself first and so on. So I think I'm going to just leave it as it is and do nothing now.
I've also just been to see my friend whose daughter died a few years ago, it's the anniversary today and I just went to take some flowers to her grave and stood there while my friend sobbed in my arms. She's still in so much pain and probably always will be, it made me think that life is too precious to waste it on people who don't appreciate you xxx You're right, life is too short. Now is the time to make the decisions you wouldn't normally make, IMO. Now is the time to effect change for the better, bc you know better, Tupp. Lighter
-
Lighter, thank you again, I'm feeling fine with it now. It's funny how you just get to that point where enough's enough. I'm just leaving it where it is. If she calls sometimes and wants to meet up for coffee or something that's fine, but I'm not doing any more running around or agony aunt duties and I'm not going to ring her to check she's okay with this (which I think is what she would be expecting). The phone works in both directions and it's always me that rings so I'm getting on with life and she (and a few others) can do whatever it is they want to. It feels a bit uncomfortable but I know it's right so I'm just sitting with it. Thank you xx
-
Tupp:
You sit with it for a while, bc you don't want to fill that discomfort with familiar unhealthy things out of habit.
Once you decide what you won't continue doing, then it's time to decide what you'll replace those things with, which is just as difficult, IMO.
Coming up with new habits is difficult but can be done.
What becomes habits, becomes pleasure; )
Lighter
-
Thank you again, it does feel uncomfortable but I am sitting with it anyway and things will change at some point. Thank you xx
-
And just to update a little further - have arranged a Christmas get together with the mums I chat to at swimming (whilst the kids have their lessons). They're all nice ladies so it will be good to have a proper chat and get to know them a little better. Have also been thinking about Hopsie's idea about community projects of some sort; at first I was floundering a bit as it's difficult to take my son along to things as he's autistic and prefers being at home but it's also difficult to get babysitters, so I felt a little bit stuck at first. But this evening I realised that I take him to lots of sports groups for disabled children and I could offer to get involved with fundraising for them or something like that. So feeling like I'm moving in the right direction. Thank you :)
-
Tupp:
I like the idea of you expanding into volunteer time with the groups your son's already familiar and comfortable with too.
You do what you can, and in your case you pick and choose the things that won't stress your son, but may perhaps broaden his horizons.
Lighter
-
You are a FABULOUS mother, imo, Tupp.
Doing some of these new things to attend to your own needs as a social being,
is part of being a good mother to him. It will make you wiser, stronger, more confident.
A mom who has community, sees how she truly is always part of something bigger, and has a sense
of perspective, purpose and joy...that's all better for him too.
As to awkwardness in going together with your autistic child, I'm not sure, but I think our
culture understands a lot more than we used to, about autism. And regardless, I know some
communities will do all they can to make you both feel welcome. And sometimes, I think it
helps to inside your head, declare YOURSELF a welcome and worthy part of community.
To see yourself as someone who is valuable, worthwhile, and completely worthy of belonging.
Does he have trouble in public behaving in a "socially acceptable" way, or is he just his
quirky spectrum self? I believe it is a GIFT to communities to have opportunities to learn
how to get along and interact with those who are different. Boosts the humanity of us all.
I think you have terrific instincts.
hugs
Hops
-
Thank you Lighter, I was wondering how I'd find more time to do things and then realised there are probably things I can do at groups we already go to, even if it's just staying behind for ten minutes to help tidy up.
Thank you, Hopsie, for such a lovely compliment. It's not his behaviour that's a problem he's generally very good, it's more that he finds all sorts of situations stressful and if he gets too stressed out by things (even things he likes can stress him out because he's so sensitive to noise, certain kinds of lights etc) it really wipes him out for a couple of days and makes him unhappy. Sometimes we've been to a new group or activity and something about it has made him just refuse to even enter the building and there's nothing on earth that will get him inside! Even if I was a forcing kind of a person (which I'm not) he's bigger than me so I can't do anything about it. But regardless, I will keep my eyes and ears open, now that I'm open to the idea I will probably see something that's worth a try and we will definitely give something new a go :) xx
-
Wild thought. I wonder if it would be helpful to him to have a really excellent pair of sound-absorbing earplugs?
Not visible to others really...just something he could put in before going into a group situation where a lot of talk
and unfamiliar sound might overwhelm?
I love my earplugs. (Have raging tinnitus so I put them in for lots of things.)
Dunno if that relates to his feelings at all. Just a wild-hair thought. (Or wild cilia, har har...)
xo
Hops
-
Yes, Hops.
Earplugs or maybe the ability to put on headphones and listen to soothing sounds, music or whatever works.....
language tapes?
I like books on tape, and for a while there I went to sleep listening to THE MONSTERS OF TEMPLETON...... it truly helped me stay steady when my mind wanted to jump around, and scatter like a monkey in a tree. I enjoyed listening to the book as much as the voice on the recording soothed my nerves.
Lighter
-
Ah thanks you two, his hearing's so sensitive he wears ear defenders to bed! The type that blokes wear when they're drilling roads and what have you! Bless him. He just needs a lot of down time in between activities, thank you for your thoughts and suggestions, we will find a way! :) xx
-
I am working on being around kind people - fill my life with what I like and leave behind what I don't :) Chatted to a friend today who offered to have my step-brother for Christmas so that I can have a break. She's never met him but she is kind enough to offer that. Another friend I spoke to later in the day invited us up for Christmas and offered to pay for our coach fare so that we don't have to deal with things. Such kindness from people and my time is taken up with unkind ones! How silly I have been. Such kindness on this board, so many people going through different things but still taking time out to help others. All is good. Thank you for your support and for being there.
-
Well I have been struggling a bit with this recently. Even though the contact I was having with people wasn't healthy it was contact and I've found it difficult to be very, very alone over the last couple of weeks. I am sticking to my guns, though, I need to break these habits if I'm ever going to change them.
I haven't heard from my sister. Usually I would have contacted her by now but again, I need to stop doing it so I have left things as they are. I am finding it difficult - I know all of this will be 'my' fault - but I know I haven't done anything wrong so I will carry on regardless.
I am trying to be more honest when I speak to people. I don't usually like to moan and complain but I have come to the conclusion that I am doing too good a job of making out everything's great all the time as a lot of my friends seem to have no idea how difficult things are sometimes. I was chatting to one of the mums at my son's swimming club and mentioned that the hospital had told me at very short notice I needed to take someone with me for my son's next appointment and it was too late for me to find anyone to take the time off work. She has offered to come with me which was very kind of her. Usually I wouldn't have mentioned it but it seems there are advantages to admitting you can't cope with everything alone!
I've also decided to juggle my money differently and use some money I currently spend on my son to go out one night a month. I do need to look after myself better and a cinema night - even if I end up going on my own- every now and again would help. I won't do it until after Christmas now because money's pretty tight but it's not long to wait :) Have also reconnected with an old school friend and will be seeing her soon so things are still feeling wrong but are going in the right direction.
-
((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))
-
Tupp:
You sound so spot on right now......
so hooked into your reality, and fixing patterns that need attention.
It's OK to be human and talk about it with friends.... so glad that mother offered to help. Accept that help, and know it's good.
It's OK to not always be stoic........ I think it makes us easier to know, and engage with frankly.
Adding a piece to your self care ritual will give you more energy to care for your son..... a very wise investment.
::nodding::
Lighter
-
That's very unkind. You are taking it well because you have become healthy and understand that it's not you - it's them! You are so thoughtful to plan for your step brother. Please give yourself a ginormous hug from me and kudos on being such a good person. May you have a wonderful holiday season knowing that you are living as you should.
xxxxxoooooo
-
Bones, you are an A* hugger, I think you should get a certificate or something :) Thank you :)
Lighter and Gratitude, thank you for your support and words of encouragement, it is greatly appreciated.
There has been some communication between my sister and myself, it isn't perfect but it's a step in the right direction so I am glad that I have said what I did and that it seems to be moving in a more positive way than I thought it was :) I also went to the medical assessment with my son today which was horrible but the other mum came along with me and she was very supportive so I appreciated that a lot and am glad she was there. A couple of things I've noticed as I've thought about all of this over the last couple of weeks are that:
1 I rarely, if ever, admit to any kind of negativitity in my life - being tired, worried, scared, not coping etc - because in my family any weakness was used against you and I was generally expected to cope without complain regardless of how difficult anything was. It was very much a Stepford Wife approach - smile, look shiny, keep the house tidy and nothing else matters (or is allowed). So another new thing to practise; understanding not everyone is like that and some people accept problems as part of life and will help you with them instead of using them to batter you more!
2 I've tended to develop very intense friendships with one person in the past and then rely on them for everything - a replacement mother, presumably. Invariably those relationships dissolve eventually and I'm left very alone until I make a new 'best friend' and then I do the same thing again. Now that I've realised I do that I want to try and create a network of people I enjoy spending time with and try to spend roughly equal amounts of time with each, so that I don't fall into that 'you are the only person in my world' thing again. Not healthy! So yes, feeling better and I think moving in the right direction. Sometimes I think perhaps just putting it out there helps, you know, just making a decision to change even if you're not entirely sure how to?
Thank you all for your help and support, it really means a lot to me. Tupp xx
-
Tupp:
I think it's difficult to learn how to receive if one's role has always been giver/teacher/helper relationships.
You pay attention to how admired healthier people navigate relationships..... you learn to recieve AND give.
You learn to put boundaries in place, and to defend them gently, but consistenly......
enforcing boundaries doesn't require anger, or drama, thank goodness.
Balance is good: )
Lighter
-
I want to try and create a network of people I enjoy spending time with and try to spend roughly equal amounts of time with each, so that I don't fall into that 'you are the only person in my world' thing again. Not healthy!
BravO, Tupp.
What a huge, hopeful insight.
Thank you for sharing this!
xo
Hops
-
I agree with Hops! You are being smart and really thinking about what will make your life good and happy. ((((((((TAP)))))))
-
Bones, you are an A* hugger, I think you should get a certificate or something :) Thank you :)
Lighter and Gratitude, thank you for your support and words of encouragement, it is greatly appreciated.
There has been some communication between my sister and myself, it isn't perfect but it's a step in the right direction so I am glad that I have said what I did and that it seems to be moving in a more positive way than I thought it was :) I also went to the medical assessment with my son today which was horrible but the other mum came along with me and she was very supportive so I appreciated that a lot and am glad she was there. A couple of things I've noticed as I've thought about all of this over the last couple of weeks are that:
1 I rarely, if ever, admit to any kind of negativitity in my life - being tired, worried, scared, not coping etc - because in my family any weakness was used against you and I was generally expected to cope without complain regardless of how difficult anything was. It was very much a Stepford Wife approach - smile, look shiny, keep the house tidy and nothing else matters (or is allowed). So another new thing to practise; understanding not everyone is like that and some people accept problems as part of life and will help you with them instead of using them to batter you more!
2 I've tended to develop very intense friendships with one person in the past and then rely on them for everything - a replacement mother, presumably. Invariably those relationships dissolve eventually and I'm left very alone until I make a new 'best friend' and then I do the same thing again. Now that I've realised I do that I want to try and create a network of people I enjoy spending time with and try to spend roughly equal amounts of time with each, so that I don't fall into that 'you are the only person in my world' thing again. Not healthy! So yes, feeling better and I think moving in the right direction. Sometimes I think perhaps just putting it out there helps, you know, just making a decision to change even if you're not entirely sure how to?
Thank you all for your help and support, it really means a lot to me. Tupp xx
You're welcome, ((((((Tupp)))) and thanks! Sometimes I can't find the right words that are adequate enough so I'm hoping that a hug will do.
Bones
-
Bonesie, sometimes I think a hug says more than words can, you know? It's appreciated (((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you everyone for all of your help with this. I just wanted to feed back a little because it's been a few weeks and I'm suprised at how easy it's getting! The guilt's gone, I've said no to a couple of parties I was invited to that I didn't really want to attend, I've turned down a Christmas invite because I just want a few quiet days at home after Christmas to put my feet up and eat chocolate! I've spent time with a couple of people I know and like but don't really spend time with, trying to work on building new friendships and at the very least enjoy my time with people more instead of having to endure it. Why do we put ourselves through these things?! Thanks again :)
-
Bonesie, sometimes I think a hug says more than words can, you know? It's appreciated (((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you everyone for all of your help with this. I just wanted to feed back a little because it's been a few weeks and I'm suprised at how easy it's getting! The guilt's gone, I've said no to a couple of parties I was invited to that I didn't really want to attend, I've turned down a Christmas invite because I just want a few quiet days at home after Christmas to put my feet up and eat chocolate! I've spent time with a couple of people I know and like but don't really spend time with, trying to work on building new friendships and at the very least enjoy my time with people more instead of having to endure it. Why do we put ourselves through these things?! Thanks again :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bones
-
Thanks, Bonesie :)
My sister just turned up, talked about herself for ten minutes and left again (after leaving the front door open so the house got cold). Some things never change :)
-
Thanks, Bonesie :)
My sister just turned up, talked about herself for ten minutes and left again (after leaving the front door open so the house got cold). Some things never change :)
((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))
You are so right! Some thing never change! :)
*shakes head while watch sister waltz out the door without bothering to close it behind her.*
-
I love this question, Tupp...I think it's actually the answer to a lot of tough times.
Why do we put ourselves through these things?!
Thanks for this,
Hops
-
Tupp:
How do you feel abou it now?
Lighter