Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on April 19, 2013, 06:25:34 AM
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Hi all :)
Well, as some of you know we are in the midst of possible legal action regarding my son and medical negligence. I have been following both Izzie and Lighter's threads and one thing that has struck me is the need to be on top of things and keep on at solicitors and other professionals.
I am not good at being assertive, particularly with people in power or authority. I find it hard to stand my ground or say my piece. I was very disappointed to find out this week that something essential hasn't been done and some questions that I asked went unanswered.
So this weekend's lesson in being assertive is to write to my sol with my concerns about the situation, make it clear that I am not happy and do not want things to continue this way and to state clearly that I want my unanswered questions answered.
Eek! Makes me feel ill just thinking about it. But needs to be done, I need to learn how to do this stuff. So will let you know how I get on with it.
Also had another weird dream last night and woke up realising that I am allowed to say no. As a child I couldn't say no, that wasn't allowed at all. I'm an adult now. I need to get my head around that and start reacting as a well educated, independent, capable woman, not like a five year old who knows she'll be in trouble if she doesn't do what someone else wants.
More eek! But remembering "oh" and "don't take it personally" :)
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Good Luck to you, twoapenny,
It is far easier to be assertive when you know the truth, or have proof of the truth, whether it be receipts or invoices, or the Daily Journal you will keep about all the relevant occurrences.
My pain journal is 4 years long, and it was difficult to stop entering notes, which are now irrelevant. I have every email to and from and in it's own Folder. When a question arose I would go to my Journal, search for the "word", see the date and then go to emails in that date area. That, in particular, made me feel more in control of answers, especially as the years passed.
xx
Izzy
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I wish I was as organized as you, Izz.
Tupp.... you get'em girl!
Don't ask.....
don't get. That's saying for a reason, and the DA does respond to pressure, calls, and constant requests for action, IME.
Light
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Pretend like you have been giving a terminal cancer diagnosis. That is when my filters went down. What are they going to do, kill me?
Now I say anything I want to anyone I want!
It is liberating! Who cares if they like you?
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Good Luck to you, twoapenny,
It is far easier to be assertive when you know the truth, or have proof of the truth, whether it be receipts or invoices, or the Daily Journal you will keep about all the relevant occurrences.
My pain journal is 4 years long, and it was difficult to stop entering notes, which are now irrelevant. I have every email to and from and in it's own Folder. When a question arose I would go to my Journal, search for the "word", see the date and then go to emails in that date area. That, in particular, made me feel more in control of answers, especially as the years passed.
xx
Izzy
Hi Izzy,
Thank you! I know what you mean about paperwork/proof etc - I probably have kept too much but I would rather end up burning a couple of boxes of stuff that doesn't get used than realise I've chucked something I could have used. Although it isn't as well organised as it seems yours is! I do love the ease of communicating via email, so quick and ready made copies with the time and date on them :)
I wish I was as organized as you, Izz.
Tupp.... you get'em girl!
Don't ask.....
don't get. That's saying for a reason, and the DA does respond to pressure, calls, and constant requests for action, IME.
Light
Thanks, Lighter. I hadn't chased him up about this at all. I was given a rough time frame which meant we should have known about now whether or not we had a case. With that in mind, I emailed him a couple of questions about something else I want to look into, based on the assumption that he had a good idea now of how our case is shaping up, only to be told he's done nothing. Sometimes it's things like this that throw a curved ball - I trusted him to do his job properly without me having to be on his case or check over his shoulder (other people's responsibility, giving up control, trusting in others to do what they need to, etc, etc - plus the guy charges a fortune) - only to discover he's done nothing and we're no further on now than we were a year ago (other than the bits I have done myself). So I do need to start insisting on monthly updates and make sure he's doing what he needs to. Sheesh. He's on the big bucks and I'm doing the work. Perhaps I need to retrain? :)
Thank you, Overcomer, it's difficult, isn't it? I'd never be that slack if someone were relying on me because I wouldn't like them to think badly of me, then I find it didn't happen because I don't like being pushy :) Ironic. Will get on the case over the weekend :)
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This part's easier than some others, for me.
You've got to tell people what you expect, what you want... otherwise, you're expecting them to mind-read (and that NEVER works like it does in the movies! LOL) And I find I have to change my ideas about that action... it's not demanding, B*tchy, whiny, or any of that.
It's the not speaking up part, that I realize (all these years later), that's presumptious, assuming, and unfair.
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Well I thought I would update this a little as things are going well, although not as expected!
I decided that the firm I had instructed were not the right people to be doing this. This is my fault; I didn't do enough research or ask enough questions before instructing them. Valuable lesson learned and not a mistake that I will be making again.
I also decided that my focus in this needs to be my son's health, rather than the legal case. Although I hope both will come to fruition in time, his health must take priority and I can't manage both at the same time. So the legal case is on hold, probably until next year, when I'll start looking for a better, more appropriate firm to take it on.
Some of the information that came to light via the previous firm may have some bearing on my son's health problems. In order to get the assessments done I had to go back to the doctor. I generally avoid anything to do with the public sector (which in the UK is pretty much everything) because I'm so scared of the false accusations coming up again and a re-run of what happened to us last time, which went on for years and caused so many problems for both of us. But ......... I wrote down everything that was relevant, saw the GP, spoke openly and honestly about what I feel we need now and he was very understanding and supportive and put some referrals in for us. It's the start of a long process, but we are over the first hurdle and now waiting to see what happens next.
I am still tracking down old records and have had a lot of problems in this area over the years. But I have tracked down a set that has been missing for a long time and am going to see them tomorrow. I wrote a long letter explaining everything that's happened and what I am trying to do to get the records corrected. Again, the lady was very nice and understanding and didn't seem surprised - I'm wondering if she had an idea of what had gone on because something in those records doesn't fit? I will find out tomorrow.
Stage three was contacting social services today. I have been so scared of going near them for so many years now that it has taken me three months to build up the courage to make that call today. All it was is to get my son a card that gets him free swimming; we can go more often if I don't have to pay for it but I've been too scared to ask. I find talking on the phone particularly scary as people have lied in the past about what I did or didn't say, so I generally try to put things in writing. I explained to the guy about what had happened before and that I was worried that our records were wrong. He was very understanding, has asked me to write in with all the information so that he can update the file and then amazed me by saying that malicious referrals were very common and that is was usually family that made them!
All in all it feels like better people are coming our way, so fingers crossed that continues and things get resolved in some way at some point.
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awwww Tupp, that's WONDERFUL.
I admire it so much when people recognize their own small steps and report on them, and even give themselves a much-deserved pat on the back for confronting fears and pushing through....
BRAVO.
xo
Hops
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Tupp:
No sound lucid, focused and on point.
No vengeful agenda, but your son's health as priority...... knowing how to take stock of your reserves, abilities and resources is important and just what you're doing, IMO. Wise Tupp to take honest stock, and make the best choice, even if it's not a perfect choice.
Unfortunately part of helping your son is tied to the past, the records, the people, and the systems that helped your mum harm you and your son.
I completely understand being triggered, and very very cautious about contacting those organizations.
It sounds like you're being mindful, approaching each task with a goal, and managing to resist making your conversations about the past, but rather about what you need to accomplish going forward.
So hard to avoid those darned rabbit holes, I know.
Lighter
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awwww Tupp, that's WONDERFUL.
I admire it so much when people recognize their own small steps and report on them, and even give themselves a much-deserved pat on the back for confronting fears and pushing through....
BRAVO.
xo
Hops
Thanks, Hopsie. Today was really hard. I was in such a state by the time I got to the appointment that I actually thought I might be sick and when I came out I just wanted to cry. But the lady was very nice and professional - I think it's the lack of professionalism we've encountered at times that's been really hard to deal with. There were no nasty suprises in the paperwork, which is good, but just reading that stuff my mum said and did - my own mum! - is still really upsetting and, as I think I've said before on here, the thing that upsets me the most is that the campaign of harassment she waged against me was the most effort she'd ever put into my life. I find that difficult to get my head around and I really seem to feel physical pain in my heart now when I think about this stuff.
What was good is that it seems there were people in my corner who fought on my behalf when all of this was going on, which I didn't know about before because of confidentiality and so on. But it's nice to know she didn't pull the wool over everyone's eyes.
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Tupp:
No sound lucid, focused and on point.
No vengeful agenda, but your son's health as priority...... knowing how to take stock of your reserves, abilities and resources is important and just what you're doing, IMO. Wise Tupp to take honest stock, and make the best choice, even if it's not a perfect choice.
Unfortunately part of helping your son is tied to the past, the records, the people, and the systems that helped your mum harm you and your son.
I completely understand being triggered, and very very cautious about contacting those organizations.
It sounds like you're being mindful, approaching each task with a goal, and managing to resist making your conversations about the past, but rather about what you need to accomplish going forward.
So hard to avoid those darned rabbit holes, I know.
Lighter
Hi Lighter,
You are so right about my son's health now being tied to those past records. I think what I've got my head around now is the need to do certain things day to day - things that help him in the here and now - and then pick those other things apart as and when I get the time. It does feel like it's getting easier, I think just knowing how the system works helps. I think my frustration at the minute is my mum's need to control - she couldn't just let my son be, his whole life had to be lived according to her agenda. It's so wrong that his medical history is incorrect because of her. But it will get sorted eventually, it's just a long and drawn out process
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Tupp:
Sometimes I think I must make peace with the fact things won't get sorted out (proper) until or after the children are grown.
Well..... that makes it difficult to remain focused in the here and now.
Accepting, once and for all, that thing won't get sorted in any timely manner comes and goes in and out of focus.
Doing what needs to be done, caring for my children in the best way possible, might not leave time, or hardly any time, to sort the legal stuff. I have to wrap my mind around that every time.
I think we'll never get justice with the pd's, and that's just the plain truth. Nothing to think about anymore.
As far as the professionals they manipulated and used to harm us..... can we have them removed from positions of authority where they'll likely continue to harm others? Maybe. Should we do everything we can to ensure that happens? I don't think so. I think all we need to do is make our best effort, outside of caring properly for our children, and hope that it helps people understand who these people are at some point.
To do nothing doesn't feel right.
To make our lives about them doesn't either........ it's a balance.
If they continue to harm others, it will likely show up on their record. It will add up. It will be enough for me to do what I feasibly could in order to protect others from the harm my children and I have suffered in the system.
And that's what it boils down to, I think.
Maybe the people who helped the pd's harm us are victims too?
I could look at it that way, but then I remember these are people in positions of authority ALLOWING themselves to be manipulated, and to harm the most vulnerable members of society. They're simply in the wrong place, doing the wrong job, victim or not. I can't do nothing, but I should do something.
((((Tupp and son))))
Lighter
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Hi Lighter,
I think the way I see things now, in the simplest terms I can, is that everything my mum did was about control. So every time I do something to do with that whole situation, at the expense of something I want to do, for me and my boy, no-one else, is still her controlling me. She's still pulling the strings. And I think that's what really made me stop and look at the whole thing. I think the ultimate justice, for me, is that I escaped her. I know the thing that bothers her more than anything is to see me happy, healthy, settled, content. It's so bizarre, that's all most parents want for their kids but my mum feeds off misery and other people's misfortune.
I will carry on with the work but it sits at the bottom of the list and, like you, most days there isn't much time free. But I've chipped away at it over the years and I feel like it's definitely moved in my favour over time. And I showed her how strong I was; she thought I'd crumble and crack up and I came out of it stronger and healthier than I'd ever been (I did crumble and crack at times but I never let her see that).
I think what you say about the public sector workers who have done wrong is spot on; in the UK there is such a culture of covering up that there's no interest in weeding out the bad apples. But I've made complaints, made people aware, said my bit. I think that's as much as we can be expected to do, it's down to others to deal with that and do something about it.
I see my sister as a victim of my mum as much as I was, but the people in authority who acted for her lied, cheated and covered up. I think they found kindred spirits in each other. But what's been nice is finding people, as I've gone through the records, who've done their jobs properly, checked her out and dismissed her as a fantasist. And that's what I'm trying to focus on, the good eggs. There's also a sense of handing it over to fate now, letting some higher power than me sort it out? It kind of feels alright :)
((LIghter and kids)))
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Hi Tupp,
I think it's outstanding to recognize for yourself when you are winning by continuing or by ending a fight.
Nobody else can define that for you, and it sounds as though you've been very thoughtful about reclaiming your own mindspace.
You are the one who gets to say, I've done enough. Or, I'll do this bit more. Or, I want to set it down.
It's your definition of "enough" or of "justice" that matters. It's great to hear you respecting your own opinion.
xo
Hops
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Yes, good luck (hug)
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Tupp:
For me, it's not just about "holding people accountable," it's about getting to the exit door.
IF I invest time and funds in going on the offensive WILL it end my struggle sooner?
IF I file complaints against opposing counsel, will that stop the current legal actions against me, or at least end the next one before it begins?
CAN I impact my situation?
CAN I get myself to the exit door more swiftly, or am I on a set course no matter what I do, so why put any effort in?
I can tell you this......
I had to put the effort in I have or I would have lost everything.
I tend to think that's been the case with you as well.
Now we can see light at the end of the tunnel.....
is it really close to being over for us?
Are we fooling ourselves?
Don't know....
::shrug::
Can we sit back, and wait for things to be over, or do we have to be proactive to get to the other side?
Up to this point I'd say I could have shortened my struggle by being more proactive than I have been, but it's impossible to know for sure.
Frankly the lack of knowing for sure has been vexing me, and it will interesting to see how things turn out so I have those answers. I'm pretty sure I've wasted energy in some directions that could have been better spent in another, and on it goes. At some point I'll sit down and figure out what time was well spent, and what wasn't. Right now I'm going to raise children, and take whatever steps I can to keep moving toward the exit door according to my attorneys and gut.
Looking back, my gut's almost always been right.
Lighter
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((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It's so wrong that people find themselves in situations like this, having to fight for no real reason other than someone else having an issue with them and deciding to run it to the nth degree.
Not being proactive - at certain times - wasn't even an option for me, as I'm sure it wasn't for you. If I hadn't fought I'd have lost my son and, given that the claims against me were that there was nothing wrong with him at all (it's now looking like he suffered a brain injury during the birth) he'd never have got any of the care and support he needed if he'd not been living with me. The thought of what they would have put him though by refusing to accept he was poorly is something I just can't think about. And if there was any threat like that to him again I'd fight tooth and nail a second time, too.
But, as you know, kids need to be raised, and that takes time, energy and money, especially when they have health problems. Getting to the bottom of whether or not he did suffer a brain injury is going to be another battle on its own, as is finding another law firm and getting that ball rolling with a view to a negligence claim. The false accusations - at this point, if the most I can do is have my amended version of events added to the files, that will be enough. If I can take it further, great. If not, that's okay too. I'm at that point now where I just want peace in my life. I want to enjoy my son, get out and make some new friends, start re-building a life that isn't based on my mum's notions of how I should be living and isn't controlled and influenced by her. What a lot to do! I think now it's fight where it's necessary and conserve energy where possible. It's taken a toll on my health, physically and mentally and I don't want it to get worse.
I am hoping, so much, that your situation resolves in some way that is okay for you and your kids. There was a long period for me were giving in just wasn't an option. Now it feels more like a tortoise and a hare situation; I can still resolve it in a way that suits me, but I can do it at a slower pace. I suppose I feel I am in control of this now, whereas for a long time other people were and I had to work at their pace.
(((Lighter and kids)))
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I am in control of this now
HUZZAH, TUPPPPPPPPPPP!
xo
Hops
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I am in control of this now
HUZZAH, TUPPPPPPPPPPP!
xo
Hops
Ha ha ha :lol: Thank you, Hops :D xxx
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Tupp:
When we aren't meeting crisis, and rising to threats we have more choices about how we spend our time.
The children won't be children for long, and so we turn our attention to them.....
what else can we do?
Be as proactive as we can, where we can.
OK.
Do what must be done to get to the exit door.
Yup.
I saw a saying in the store the other day.....
"Life isn't about learning to weather the storm,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."
How do we spend our moments while life goes on around us?
What do we choose to latch onto, and give our time to?
Learning to make time for special rituals with our children, and especially self care, is difficult. Esp when chaos and crisis is raging around us.
It sounds like you're focusing on the right things. Not giving up the good fight, but shifting your intentions, and remaining mindful about what you want to give your son, and have for yourself.
Yes: )
Lighter
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Hi Lighter,
Yes, I see what you're saying here and I suppose we can only do what we can do in all aspects of life, I guess that applies to everyone, across the board? It's useful to keep that in mind, I think.
I realised today - and I'm wondering why it's taken me so long to notice this now - that I am simply afraid of saying no or of having any kind of opinion that doesn't suit another person. I think I had been so well hammered into shape as a child that it's taken me this long to realise that the way I behave simply isn't appropriate.
Last week a parent at a club my son goes to asked if we could car share. I've turned it over in my mind all week. It isn't convenient for me; I go to an activity myself while my son is at his club so I'd still have to do the journey each way making it pointless from my point of view. I then looked into doing a different activity somewhere else and felt upset that I would have to give up this tiny bit of me time I have finally carved for myself after twelve years of doing without. I then worried about the fact I don't really know these people very well and wondered if I could offer to do both runs instead as I'd be going that way anyway and then got resentful that it's always me that seems to do the extra work. Then I started to worry about the fact that there is a problem with the catch on the back seat that would need to be fixed before I could safely carry a passenger and was getting in a flap about where I was going to find the extra money to get that done and when I was going to get the time to do it.
And as all of that became a bigger and bigger problem I suddenly realised I can just say no to them and it really shocked me that I was preparing to go to such extreme lengths to accommodate the needs of other people. And as I look back over the years I can see that that has probably been at the root of so many of the things that have made me unhappy.
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Yes, you can say no to them especially when they are not an employer paying you etc.
Not everybody can fit into the same car pool. Tell them that you would like to but you have other appointments etc.
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I suddenly realised I can just say no (http://I suddenly realised I can just say no)
Woo hoo! Go, Tupp! Yee hawwwwww!
Present for ya: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51 (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51)
Hops
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Thank you, Hops and Green, yes, it seems so obvious now but it feels incredibly unnatural, it's very odd. I was so worried about telling them no; in my mind I can hear my mother's reactions to being told no to anything - ranging from quiet fury to not so quiet! In the end I just said I couldn't do it, they said no problem and that was that. I hadn't realised how big a part of my life this is. I leant some items to a friend a couple of months ago. At the time she asked to borrow them she offered to come and collect them and I said no, I'd drop them off. Then she offered to bring them back and I said no, I'll pick them up! I only realised today how bizarre this is, I don't know what it's all about! I texted her today about coming to fetch them and she offered to drop them in instead, I had to force myself to say yes! It felt completely unnatural and as if I were taking the mickey or something. I really need to work on this, I can see how this has had such a negative impact on my life now. How funny that it's been there all along and I didn't see it.
Hopsie,thank you for that link, I will have a good read through when I get the chance, it looks very interesting :)
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Yah, I get it, when I had $, I sometimes went to this lady massage therapist. I would fold the sheets up after the whole thing. She would tease me about it. She would say, "you are so polite!! Nobody ever folds the sheets"...
It's just the way we are, always hyper-vigilant that we will offend somebody or encroach or inconvenience somebody else. BECAUSE we were taught that we were inconvenient so we try hard not to be... We are used to not being number one.
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Tupp:
I'm so proud you
just
said
NO.
OK, you fretted a bit first, but we usually fret, and say YES!
Amazing revelation about how we sabotage ourselves, and how we can stop: )
Congrats,
Lighter
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Yah, I get it, when I had $, I sometimes went to this lady massage therapist. I would fold the sheets up after the whole thing. She would tease me about it. She would say, "you are so polite!! Nobody ever folds the sheets"...
It's just the way we are, always hyper-vigilant that we will offend somebody or encroach or inconvenience somebody else. BECAUSE we were taught that we were inconvenient so we try hard not to be... We are used to not being number one.
Green that is exactly it, hyper-vigilent describes it so well. I go over and over things from every angle, every possible way and I just hadn't realised how much. I bought a torch yesterday and it doesn't work. I was going through umpteen different scenarios in my mind and was on the verge of not taking it back to the shop and just buying another somewhere else. But then I realised what I was doing so I'm taking it back today and will just let them handle it. I think that's part of it, as you say, being so used to having to be responsible for other people's thoughts/feelings/responses - I don't know what it's like to let other people deal with what you hand them rather than it being the other way around? How funny.
Lighter - thank you so much. So funny how these things suddenly become so obvious to us. So yes, the fretting is still there but progression, not perfection, yeah? :) xx
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LOL, I work in customer service, people return stuff all the time. As long as it was recently purchased like it sounds that it was, just say "This is a defective item return, I want a replacement please". Or refund.
It's like a one line phrase hon. :) Good luck!! (hugs)
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LOL, I work in customer service, people return stuff all the time. As long as it was recently purchased like it sounds that it was, just say "This is a defective item return, I want a replacement please". Or refund.
It's like a one line phrase hon. :) Good luck!! (hugs)
Hi Green, I know, it's silly, isn't it? I took it back and they changed it straight away, the second one doesn't work either so I'll take that back, too! It's just this over thinking thing, I'm scared of my own shadow these days but it's getting better with these little things, I think just noticing it sometimes can help as well?
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ya, I know what you mean.