Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on July 03, 2013, 07:28:54 PM
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It's 4:22 Pm where I am Pacific Coast time. I am supposed to get off of work at 6:00PM, I left early. It is weird to come here to say this but the truth is I don't really have any friends. My mother called me at work and I let it go to voicemail because I am not suppose to take calls.
When I went to break I picked up my voicemail and she asked me to call her, she said it was important. I thought that she probably wanted me to baby-sit her stupid dog.
When I called her she told me that my brother had over-dosed. I asked her when it had happened and she wouldn't give me any details. I started crying on the phone in the break room and then pretty much wailing in the hallways at work. I took the elevator back down to the second floor and the human resource manager was near my desk I told her I was leaving.
Then I needed money to get on the bus so I went to the bank, I got the change, remembed I had a check to deposit pulled it out and gave it to them the bank teller asked me what my plans were for the 4th of July, I told her that I just had a death in my family and I just want to deposit the check and leave.
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I have to go clean up my stupid room because somebody is going to come over and look at the whole space to rent it. I'm going to go home and clean up the room, take a shower and come back to the library and sit down and write.
My aunt left a voicemail msg on my phone telling me how sad it is, and my phone looks like my mother tried to call me again. I just didn't pick it up. I had gotten off the bus and decided to walk over to the grocery store.
Just feel like I needed to deposit this somewhere that people know a little bit about my family etc.
I'm gonna go clean and shower and then avoid the apartment for a while.
Or maybe I won't come back to the library. I feel like there is no place for me to go. I certainly don't see the point in going to my relative's house and I doubt they even invited me over.
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My brother's birthday is on the 4th of July...so it was a planned over-dose. He had actually talked about this many years ago.
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Dear Green Bean,
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Please take care. Thinking of you,
Richard
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Thanks
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((((((((((((((((((((Green Bean)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Bean, I am so sorry to read this, and so sorry for your loss. A death is a terrible thing to cope with at any time, but within difficult family situations it becomes so much harder.
I know what you mean about not having friends; I felt like that for a very long time (and still feel that I don't have many). But I've found the comfort and support from my cyber friends here on this forum so uplifiting; it just made me feel like I wasn't completely alone during those very tough times when it seemed that no-one understood or cared about me. People here did.
So keep posting, even if it's just a stream of consciousness thing so that you can get things off your chest and onto the screen so it's not all bubbling away inside you.
Thinking of you, and sending love your way.
Tup xxx
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I am so sorry Beanboat...isolation makes loss much harder.
I am very sorry.
I'm really glad you came to tell us here.
I hope there's some bereavement support you can find,
hospice groups, or such.
love,
Hops
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I just feel tired. My mother and my aunt seem like they already are making decisions about the memorial service and not including me.
There was a friend that my brother knew since high-school. This morning I was able to contact his father on Facebook and he is going to tell my brother's friend. I feel better that I was able to get in touch with them. His father said that my brother was like a son to him.
I called my mother this morning and asked her to slow down with all her frantic plans and try to figure out who should be included and how.
She seems to be immediately concerned with cleaning out his house and "giving it back to the bank". I don't understand why this is all happening so fast. Maybe she co-signed on all of the mortgage stuff etc. But I would think there would have to be some kind of grace period for that stuff.
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Bean, I'm not here much anymore but I do still check-in.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, just a big hug.
And I hope if it helps you to just document things here, you do so.
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Not sure that "grace" is in your mom's lexicon, Boat...
but you can have your own grace in mourning him,
and say farewell in your own way and at your own time,
regardless of what ceremonies the family creates.
You will find your peace. Your brother is safe.
Awfully glad you reached out to your brother's friend
and got those kind words from his father.
Thinking of you,
Hops
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It feels like my life has changed immensely. Even if I didn't maintain a close relationship with him, I knew he was still on the planet, now he is really really gone.
I really want to call his friend but I'm not sure if I should or not. His friend is the only person that I knew somewhat that had a relationship with my brother outside of the family context.
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Called my mother's phone number to get contact info for my brother's friend and ask her if she thinks it would be okay if I contacted him. She actually sounded like she was enjoying the long drive to my brother's place I guess because she gets to see his two kids. She doesn't seem that upset at all really.
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Hi Green Bean- So sorry to hear about this. I'm very sorry for your loss. There really are no good words to help with this. Keep posting here and reaching out when you can. All the best to you during this tough time.
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FWIW, I see nothing whatsoever wrong with calling your brother's friend...
in fact, might be a really good idea.
Maybe you could ask if he'd like to meet you for a cup of coffee.
You could just say it'd be good to talk to someone who knows him,
since things are a little awkward with family.
What's to lose? If he says no, doesn't mean anything.
If he says yes, that would be a comfort.
xo
Hops
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PS -- Your Nmama likes drama. And death is a drama.
It doesn't mean she didn't love him at all.
But if she's an N, her love when she can tune into it, is a blunted thing.
Remember that she has a mental illness that means where you might
expect softness, realizations, piercing loss, sorrow...you may see a
lot of weird off-tone, chaotic or confusing reactions instead.
Remember that this is her mental illness and personality disorder.
It is very sad but has nothing to do with your own grief, which
you are entitled to feel in your own way.
I am so sorry you lost your brother, and so tragically.
I would be very glad to hear a story about him -- good things
you remember or feel, as well as the bad.
I won't be able to feel grief when my brother dies, I believe.
Your brother is lucky that you are remembering him with some love.
hugs
Hops
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Yesterday evening I talked to my brother's friend over the phone. I hope I am not making it worse for him. It was good for me in a way though. I did need to speak with somebody outside of the family about my brother. He told me that he was best friends with my brother since Freshman year in highschool. That my brother was there for him when he needed it the most, that they had good times together when they were younger but that my brother also put him though hell.
In a weird way it was re-assuring to know that even his best friend had a very difficult relationship with him there near the end.
He said that his divorce really tore him apart.
He also said that he thought my brother just really needed somebody to love him unconditionally.
I had given Rob's (brother's friend) family, the phone number to reach my mother at since she had been the person speaking directly with the coroner etc.
He told me over the phone that my mother seemed emotionless.
It's a bit hard for me, I Don't take much comfort in speaking to my relatives.
Rob my brother's friend had said that he really felt it was time for my brother to die. I know what he means, and he didn't mean it in a bad way. My brother was tormented. It's just hard for me though.
I don't believe my brother wanted to die, I think my brother wanted to live but didn't know how/wasn't able to live life well.
In my mind if only I can understand things enough then I feel like maybe there could have been a solution.
I Know I will have to make peace with it somehow.
ITs' really hard for me to understand what would have helped my brother.
I think my brother wanted my mother to understand how much pain he was in.
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Wow.
What a meaningful validation to talk to this man, who saw your brother so clearly.
I'm so glad you reached out to him.
I hope you can sit and talk with him more.
That was very powerful to read.
It's validating too, to hear someone else feeling genuine grief.
(You can grieve hard even for people who caused chaos, from their own suffering.)
I understand why he said your brother is okay now.
love
Hops
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The other after-math is now my father thinks he is re-connecting with me. And that it's-self is a whole can of worms. My father said in an email the other day that he was thinking about moving to my area and he is asking for my address and all sorts of things. I told him no.
He needs to be in like a retirement community or something where there are other people around. I can't be his only social connection in life.
It's sad we are all kind of loners, myself, my brother and father don't have large social networks.
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My mother seems kind of hyper. She keeps saying that she has to "give the house back to the bank". I think she is concerned about the cost of paying the people at the morgue and stuff like that. It's valid because death even costs money...though ...whatever
My father is trying to give me stuff like photographs of me and my brother when we were kids...and I'm not ready to deal with it. I've been crying every day since I found out.
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Thanks everybody for your comments.
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In the end I don't know if it was personality disorders, alcoholism, emotional pain, physical pain that killed my brother. I guess all of it was too much.
I just feel burdened with his passing away. I don't know what my grieving process is suppose to be.
I really need to build my own life. That is separate from my mother and father etc.
I feel like I knew his death was coming for a long time.
Also I am not sure if I should try to connect with his children or not. I will e-mail their mother I guess and ask them.
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PS -- Your Nmama likes drama. And death is a drama.
It doesn't mean she didn't love him at all.
But if she's an N, her love when she can tune into it, is a blunted thing.
Remember that she has a mental illness that means where you might
expect softness, realizations, piercing loss, sorrow...you may see a
lot of weird off-tone, chaotic or confusing reactions instead.
Remember that this is her mental illness and personality disorder.
It is very sad but has nothing to do with your own grief, which
you are entitled to feel in your own way.
I am so sorry you lost your brother, and so tragically.
I would be very glad to hear a story about him -- good things
you remember or feel, as well as the bad.
I won't be able to feel grief when my brother dies, I believe.
Your brother is lucky that you are remembering him with some love.
hugs
Hops
Thanks
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I just sent an email to my nephew's mother. They have like 3 grandmother's including my mother Maybe they are fine. I don't know.
Probably I should go out and do something this weekend.
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My brother was supposed to get surgery for a pain-pump device. He was on a waiting list for the surgery to get it. There was only one doctor in his area that did that procedure, the wait was long and then they ended up telling him that he couldn't get it done because of his other health problems he wouldn't be a good candidate for it. So that was a recent disappointment for my brother.
There were a lot of factors going on with him, family riffs, unhealthy relationships, my Nar-mother, alcoholism, drug problems, chronic illnesses that he had two spinal surgeries for.
It was maybe just too much for one soul to take any longer.
I'm going through that thing where I am thinking what-ifs. Like what if I had a discussion with my brother about the concept of Narcissism. I'm think my brother never really learned about personality disorders. I think about things like if I had called him and just told him that I loved him....would that have helped him at all. I do wish I had done those things.
I think some people just come into the world with harsh and unfavorable circumstances.
I always wanted to just have a nice BBQ with my brother, like a normal family thing.
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There is something that I want to write about but I'm not even sure what it is.
I'm dreading going back to work Tomorrow. I feel like I want a little more time to be able to just feel what I feel instead of going into busy mode.
My brother's friend texted me last night asking me if I was okay, it was really nice, he said he would like to stay in touch that it would be nice to have some connection to my brother. I don't know maybe he is just doing it out of duty or something.
For some reason I think I am having a harder time with my brother's death than anybody else in my family, so be it I guess. My parents seem to be taking it in stride and are having a weird "truce" and seem to be making peace with each other. A little too late really to be any benefit to anybody else but themselves.
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Today I moved to a newer/different apartment. It's good because this morning I left behind a condo that I moved back into--but in the past my mother had a place there and my brother lived with me, so it's good to be gone for a handful of reasons. I have a room mate but I also get to have my own bathroom and it's much cleaner and less funky than the other place.
My co-worker flaked out and didn't bring her truck to help me move. So my old room-mate ended up helping me move, I think she wanted to connect with me more. She hugged me like three times. It just takes time to open up to people I guess.
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Had to go back to work today. Would like to write more about all of this but...don't have internet at home. I am sitting with my laptop on the sidewalk outside of the local Starbucks..sheesh, this one closes early.
Writing it out off-line doesn't appeal to me at all.
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I really need to build my own life. That is separate from my mother and father etc.
I feel like I knew his death was coming for a long time.
Wow. I just quoted this, coz I think it's important - what you wrote - for YOU.
And I wanted to say, that it seems like you have figured out the grieving the process - the way YOU do it - just fine. There are always gifts in that process, which sometimes we don't notice till later. I know for myself, that old memories and feelings all sorta jumble together and threaten to sweep me off with them in some bouncy tumbleweed sort of way, at first... then, when it all calms down, it's possible to just be one thing at a time... and rest... and figure out what all is now different.
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Just tired today.
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I'm so very sorry Green for your loss.
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Am having some canned generic chicken noodle soup.
My father has been sending me daily e-mails about moving/visiting me where I am though I pretty much have discouraged him from doing so. Beyond that I have only really been able to give him short bland answers. His most recent thing is he is saying that he has an issue with my mother not giving him ashes.
My father is rather manipulative, doesn't really seem to hear and understand what I am communicating to him when I say I want space etc. Same ol' crapola.
I don't really want to stay in touch with him, he never really went out of his way to be much of a parent, didn't do anything special for my birthdays when I was a kid, didn't do family vacations, didn't really spend much time doing anything with him really. Shrug, I am old and tired and want very little to do with him. I feel disinterested. Problem is he doesn't have a life of his own he never got re-married and stuff.
Been a really long week, I am tired as heck, I think I will do dishes, walk to the grocery store and then sleep. Exciting life I have!!
I feel zonked out.
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Fighting the urge to set my alarm clock, think I will just sleep as long as my body wants to sleep
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Good.
You've been going through some things that are very exhausting
and you're listening to your needs...let your body rest.
Healthy groceries, rest. And walking.
Good stuff. Good choices.
Hops
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Here is the nasty e-mail I sent to my father:
"Can you please stop sending me all these emails about ashes and stuff, if you want to talk to your ex-wife then do it. I don’t care. Leave me out of it. Been sick of this shit for decades.
I don’t want daily reports about this. "
--He was sending me page long e-mails once or twice a day all referencing how he was going to come and see me even though I made it clear the first time he mentioned it that I didn't want to do that. Then he started launching in about my mother not giving him ashes and crap like that...."your mother".....
I mean yeah I know my mother is a nut job but so is my father. NOW I am so old that I DON'T have to be between it.
I was polite at first, I said "I am still grieving, and I don't really want to talk about or deal with this right now"....
But he doesn't take a freaking clue....it's like he doesn't acknowledge or hear what I am trying to communicate to him and I pretty much have to be an asshole about it.
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Well I had a cup of coffee, I am going to take a shower and figure out what to do with my day. Probably walk by the farmers market that is close to me.
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Hey Boat,
You know, I'd love to hear (not that I need to) about how things changed for you.
I am gathering you're homed, working -- that is all such positive change.
Regardless of the How, I'm so glad.
Is there any place or time for a bit of gardening in your new routine?
Hope more new/good things, small or big, keep coming on into your life.
Hops
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@ Hops,
The gardening, no, no space or money for at the moment. Oh well. If I really wanted to there is a little balcony here and I could probably put a pot of herbs out there, not gonna fuss with it though. Though I do love gardening! Alternatively I may try to do a little bit of yoga at home or something now that I live someplace with a clean floor, doesn't cost me anything and it would probably be good for me.---That is about it. This morning I went to a farmers market looked at some tie-dyed dress and shirts, just got some lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, onion, came back and made a salad. That is about all so far for my day. Drinking another cup of coffee and had my legs up for a bit.
May go out to some local thrift stores/ try to find a place to get my hair trimmed. Just nothing too important really.
I looked at bouquets of flowers at the farmer's market.
Also last Sunday is when I moved in and the stuff really just got plopped down, I may try to organize a little bit and....IDK, mainly I live out of boxes/bags and it never really gets organized, I barely bother to unpack anymore.
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Went out shopping after work at a discount store and bought a new outfit for 18.00 a top and some leggings. Am really tired now, it's midnight.
Wish I could read everything on this board and relax but it's not happening right now.
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Glad you got some new duds, Boat...
you sound weary but well.
Rest up, be kind to yourself.
Hops
PS--When/if you wanna unpack, I'll cheer you on.
It makes you feel better (I think) to create some small beauty around you.
Peace.
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Minutia:
I just unload my minutia here, nobody asks me how my day was when I get home, my room mate was already retired for the night and I got home at 9:30 Pm, after doing time consuming errands after work. Ate some Jalepeno potato chips, made some salad.
Had to go to a group meeting at the temp-to-hire call center job where I am at. At first they said "you are doing customer service, we don't expect you to do sales",...now it's "you are supposed to be doing sales"....."we don't care how long you talk to a customer"...and there are people who walk around constantly telling people to do more chats while they are also on the telephone and setting up returns etc. etc. Some woman claimed that she was ....(something missing from sentence) peshe? called back to somebody else in the call center, I was already talking to a manager about it--then the second call center person walked up to the manager about the same customer...
I better go to sleep, was gonna type something else though now am tired.
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It's Sunday night, today I didn't do a whole lot, I went to a thrift store and after not really finding much that I wanted or needed was tired, sat down ate a sandwich and came home and took a nap for about 2-3 hours I think, woke up did some laundry and hand-washed some blouses and such. My room-mate probably thinks I am nuts, I have realized that hand-washing clothes is very out of the norm for most people.
Was thinking yesterday how stone-washed jeans became popular during my life time, cell phones, internet, etc.
Tonight my mother called me and left a message since I didn't hear the phone ring somehow. I texted her only this "I got yr msg"...then she called immediately and started saying she needed me to help her and how....people had said they thought it was a bad idea to make necklaces for the children with ashes in it. I guess one of the kids requested that IDK.
I told her I didn't want to talk about ashes and stuff....It's already dragged out the discussion of ashes and urns, and where the ashes are going to go and with whom. She then asked me how the job was going, and I said I just want to eat my dinner. Then she was just kind of disgusted with me. She also sent me an email trying to get me to pick out urns for the children and stuff.. I'm not even sure if the children should have that stuff, I think a photo album might be better. She also asked me if I want to scatter ashes with her here, I guess because I am not going to go to the funeral. I don't want to, I feel like it doesn't matter. I just don't want to think about it right now.
I've already told her that my hair has been falling out etc. etc.
She already knows from previous conversations that the job I am doing sucks, that I still don't have any dental/health insurance and that I am not saving any money.
The only reason she called is because she wants me to do something for her.
It doesn't matter anymore. She said "I only have one chance to get it right".....LOL well, it's a freaking funeral. Think something didn't go right already.
I might sleep soon, it's like I have got stress exhaustion that wont go away.
Life just seems massively overwhelming, with nothing ever really getting fixed.
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Again, I am just very tired that is all, but I started sipping my sleepy time tea, and it is 10 PM here so it really is time for me to sleep soon. I was gonna come here and biotch because my mother's "side-kick" (my aunt) sent me an email that says how I own my mother more...and my dead brother blah blah blah...but I am way too tired to even complain about it in detail like I usually do.
I'm suppose to be doing something more but I am so tired, I find myself not really stopping until 10 PM at night and still I don't seem to be getting enough stuff done.
Had one important phone call to make, tried to do it on my lunch break but couldn't get through the line. So that didn't happen. Which sometimes happens, the planned things don't work and the unplanned things take over.
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((((((((((((Boat))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Bean))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((Buddy))))))))))))))
I have been thinking so much about sleep.
It's part of what I do for work, to read and write about it.
I know it's a mighty healer.
I hope you can get more sleep.
Grief can be exhausting, flattening, gray, heavy.
And piercing, sweet, shocking, beautiful.
It is very tiring.
On top of a tedious job?
Things ARE getting fixed in your life, though...they ebb sometimes.
But what a different place you are in, my friend. You really have
come somewhere. You are not over. You are not done. It is still happening.
For you: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/8052.Pema_Ch_dr_n
I think any of her books would be a comfort. Or I hope so.
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops
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My mother keeps on sending me shit, photos of me when I was a kid with my father, repetitive updated internet invitations to my brother's memorial service. She sent an invitation to her husband's family....LOL her husband never said 3 words to my brother and her husband walked with a loaded shotgun last time I saw him...it's plenty reason for me not to go to the funeral. My mother invited her husband's son who only met my brother maybe once for 10 minutes...if at all. THAT is why I don't want to go. She is inviting her whole repertoire of her husbands family and friends....people who never even knew him and not surprisingly are declining.
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going to sleep too late again,....I want to write but kind of having a shut-down feeling
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If you want to share the date and time, Boat, I'd be glad to put it on my own
calendar. I'd close my eyes and concentrate on you and your brother at that
time, just send some extra love out to you.
I'm agnostic but there have been times when some things have happened
that tell me...that "good energy" or "deep mind" is doing good.
love
Hops
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That is very sweet of you hops. Thanks
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Tired, bored, lonely, tired, and a beer is all I got going on tonight.. goal is to brush my teeth in next 10 mins and sleep early. Mondays in a call center (bang head on wall here)
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I hear you hear you hear you.
Deflating jobs, while lonely (much less grieving) are really hard.
Okay. So....I am working in a small way on some similar challenges.
For now, health. Like -- sleep, eat only healthy stuff, walk daily, keep that going...
Bear on, Boat...don't let it all come home with you.
Make some small joy in your home. In one room, even. On one shelf or wall.
Drained as you feel, I would stake a lot on boasting that I think I know one thing about you:
Creativity is what will give your life purpose.
You are an artist. I don't know what form. But I really believe that is true.
When that finds space in your life...damn the torpedos!
hugs
Hops
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Just tired is all.
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Fecking hell, my father sent me an email saying he was going to be in this area for no real reason...and to contact him if I want to see him...he kind of creeps me out. Fact that I try to make it clear over and over...don't really want much to do with him...and he doesn't F-ing GET IT!!!
I'll just try to be zen about it, not all guilted out or something.
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Fecking hell, my father sent me an email saying he was going to be in this area for no real reason...and to contact him if I want to see him...he kind of creeps me out. Fact that I try to make it clear over and over...don't really want much to do with him...and he doesn't F-ing GET IT!!!
I'll just try to be zen about it, not all guilted out or something.
Green, you have nothing to be guilty about. No-one's obliged to see anyone, about anything. Finding your dad creepy is really unhealthy (speaking from personal experience here, although in my case it was my step dad). It's not a sign of a good relationship. Can you block his email or are there other things you need to be in contact about?
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Yah he just called me and I rejected the call on my phone. Bleh...If I don't respond to his emails he still calls me, that is what bother's me...like respect my decision already!
Anywho I made some cut off shorts out of a pair of denim jeans I was going to throw away, only think is they are not very soft, they have some polyester in them. But I like the waist line, it has a high waist thick band.
Going to go to do some thrift store therapy for a couple hours. Then only adult grown up bore business I guess.
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Find anything good at the thrift store, Bean?
I gotta go, too.
xo
Hops
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Hiya Hops. Found a lace blouse that is in a very light cream or off-white color. Almost white. It's 100% lace all over. It's made out of cotton and polyester. The pattern is like those old-fashioned table clothes, not really fine lace but a little larger lace. It has a very deep V-neck and a slight cross over. It's see-through so I can wear a light or a dark tank top underneath it. It was a large size, since I am not really a large, I am usually more Medium it is kind of a fluke that I bothered to look and found it in that section. I thought the whole day was a loss because I spent a lot of time feeling like the place had been really well picked over at that point. I think I really like it, it looks perfectly brand new and unused. It has a little bit of high waistline which isn't my favorite but oh well. And it is a little bit long. It's kind of a simple thing but I am glad I found it because it sort of looks like a wedding dress. Very feminine and summery. Since Summer is FLEETING in my area it's part of my celebration of summer.
White and solid light colors are almost extinct from my wardrobe.
I also got a jean mini skirt, it's okay. I don't love it but it's okay. Was thinking about bleaching it out. I'm kinda of going through a denim skirt phase. I wonder if I dress appropriately for my age. Somebody where I work who is about 7-8-9 years younger than me said he thought I was his age. Oh well. When I was young I would wear clothes that were too big for me and "grown up clothes"...
also one of the few benefits where work is that I can wear jeans and jean skirts and all sorts of casual clothes.
All my jeans have flat slouchy butts, I'm going to have to do something about that.
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The thing with my father and relatives is that I've always wanted it to improve and in the case of it not.....then it could be a chapter of my life that I can close the door on.
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Also I got a just above the knee dark blue denim skirt that looks good with the lace blouse but my black slightly mary jane flat shoes that I wear (practical). Don't really go with it.
That is kind of me. One pair of tennis shoes. One pair of black work shoes that look fine with a mini skirt but look bad with longer denim skirt.
I'm not sure what kind of shoes should be worn with that denim skirt. Never owned high heels in my life. Need something comfy and still practical. Probably need nude flats.
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I tend to like sort of ankle boot kinds of shoes, but clunkier.
With anything. Can't wear heels at all.
The lace top sounds great. Why am I not surprised you
enjoy putting together outfits? ARTISTS do that...
I dunno if your father can ever improve his vibes. I can
sympathize with your desire to close the door.
He's probably reaching out to you because he's in some
shock that he has lost his son. And you are still his child.
But if you don't think any shift will ever happen, well,
you are entitled to take care of yourself...
Hops
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How about some knee high boots with that longer denim skirt? Maybe something in a soft suede that have a flat heel? A pair of tights, and this will go from fall to winter.
Suede can be "revived" - there's a special cleaner for it, then use a short, very stiff (even brass wire) brush to lift the nap again. I've had a number of phases where denim skirts were a staple, when I couldn't wear jeans everyday. I love me some boots (they seem to breed in my closet) as they go with my stretchy legging jeans, skinny jeans... to compliment the "pirate look". Longer blouses, tunics and jackets - et voila! ;)
I haven't been in a pirate mood much, lately. Taking everything waaay too seriously again - but I see a "break" in that coming up in short order... as therapy.
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Yes probably skept
Yawn, I am tired that is all I got to say tonight is Y-A-W-N
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Morning, Boat, Bean, you Fashion Plate...
And morning PR/Skep, hope all's well there.
Beautiful day here. LB and I had an adventure:
Off to a coffee shop (she rattled in her seat all the way until she realized ummm, nooo, this is not the vet's office, and these nice people are rubbing my ears...and omg, this is a new PARK!, and now...ohhhh scary trucks but whatz an Egg McMuffff....blissssss!).
....she got the meat.
This might be how to convince a traumatized-pooch that Going in the Car Might Be Worth the Risk because...
you
just
never
know...
I"d swear on a stack of something this dog never had a bite of ham in her life.
Joy in Mudville!
8)
Hops
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LOL sounds good hops, yes I am sure that if she gets pork products everytime she goes for a ride she will learn to look forward to the trip
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Went out to see a movie by myself this evening, decided to come home early and departed the theater before it was even over. It was that Elysium movie. Just felt sort of stressed out when watching it, it's kind of a dark movie.
Shrug, I kinda thought I wasn't going to enjoy watching it because I'm in the wrong mood I guess for it.
It's 9 PM here. Haven't found the energy for applying for new jobs though I need to.
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This is the weekend when the memorial service is occurring for my brother, probably on Sunday or maybe it is tomorrow, I don't even remember.
Right now I am so tired, I wanted to go up to the store and get a beer and my legs are like concrete. I am going to sleep as soon as my laundry is done. Can't believe how fast my weeks have been going by, like scary fast.
Not even sure what happened today, somebody looking for parts for an ancient item his father owns, people who said that they didn't get what they ordered, or people trying to figure out how to get their stuff for less money sometimes they can't even get their story straight...so and so told me it was brown, no they told me it was material, no they told me it was leather. Sigh.
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Sometimes I come here sort of feeling that there could be something that I would write about but then nothing comes out afterall. I think after all is one word. Maybe not.
There are so many things a person could think about. Lots of distractions and stuff. Anything and everything seems to take up space in my mind, and only a few times where I feel like I get an over all glimpse of what the heck is going on in my life. I really have nothing to write about at all. I feel kind of blank.
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Well on my Sunday I spent the better half of the day washing stuff and giving myself a "facial"... basically like plucking out my eye brows and "mustache" and actually looking at my skin. It feels like a guilty pleasure just to spend some time taking care of my physical body. I mean for a very long time I have felt like I can't relax and like I have no personal space and I pretty much still feel this way. Even though I have my own bathroom to use at the moment that I don't have to share with anybody...I feel uncomfortable using it. Like I have to hurry and get out of the shower as fast as possible and anywho. My skin doesn't look great, I kind of react to all the coffee I drink. It's kind of a good thing for me to look at myself now and then because it makes me want to adjust my diet. I mean a person doesn't feel good about how they look, it's not really fun to style my hair or get dressed up or anything. And then I Stop really looking in the mirror at all, it's like I just ignore it now. But today for the first time in a long time I spent some time looking at my skin and considering it and noticing my eyebrows and stuff.
I know a lot of people go through this from time to time.....the whole self neglect thing. I'm really tired of it. It's Sunday and I feel guilty for wanting to relax and file my nails....
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Wow.
I love it that you're perceiving the guilt...
confronting its reality...AND...continuing to
practice some new self-care...in your
OWN
BATHROOM.
Made my day.
xxoo
Hops
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Thanks Hops. I've been doing a man-routine, but I am not a dude. Like wash my face with bar of soap...the end.
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Since today was a Holiday somehow it was slow at work, I guess most people decided to do something fun and relaxing so didn't call us at the call center. IT was good, I got off of work and the weather was nice. I left an hour early not really sure that I got explicit permission to do so but it was the only way I would catch my bus home. I bought real parmesan on the way home. Made dinner now I am just enjoying the feeling of not being 100% drained emotionally.
I surfed the internet at work, not something I would normally do but hey I did it. I still had to work on a Holiday that most people get off, didn't get paid Holiday time but at least it was relaxing and I have tomorrow off of work because they changed my schedule around.
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went on a good walk today, place I haven't been for over 15 years-felt like a mini adventure, got to see some wide open farm land, didn't realize how close I was to it, saw horses, fields of flowers and smelled some scented geraniums, my fingers still smell like it --thank god for having the experience of just chilling
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went on a good walk today, place I haven't been for over 15 years-felt like a mini adventure, got to see some wide open farm land, didn't realize how close I was to it, saw horses, fields of flowers and smelled some scented geraniums, my fingers still smell like it --thank god for having the experience of just chilling
Sounds fab, green, I find the open countryside so relaxing, for me it's how life should be and people making money just got in the way of all of it. Hope you get to experience something that nice again soon xx
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Oh, wow.
I love hearing every small thing that you're responding to,
now that you're out of the shelter and working...
These small pleasures and comforts, like a bathroom,
good grooming, a beautiful walk...
Oh Boat. Gladdens my heart.
May they all continue. And grow.
You are growing a new life.
love
Hops
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Hiya green bean... I can relate to feeling that one "should" spend a little time doing the foo-foo stuff and all the conflict surrounding that. I keep thinking how nice it would be to lounge in a bubble bath and do the whole spa thing - facial mask, nails, etc. But the tick-tock awareness of how much time that would "waste" (not really, but that's what's in my head) keeps me from doing it. Like it's shameful to be so selfish for just wanting a little pampering. (It's NOT.)
I just saw your post today; woke up thinking I really need to give myself half a day to spend on "things I want" vs things I think I need to do, again. It's been awhile since I popped the umbrella open, took a book and lounged by the pool all day like some super-spoiled teenaged rock star... (and maybe that's the image that KEEPS me from actually doing it... it's really funny how that works!!!)
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Bleh, crazy storms outside, thunder and pouring out water.
I want to write sort of. Got to move again major remodeling is going to happen in this apartment and my room mate wants to cut her lease early. I kind of hope they post pone the remodel but I doubt that is going to happen. Sigh. And of course it's expensive to move etc.
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Aww, Boat.
I'm very sorry for that hassle.
I hope you find a spot that will feel good
and that you can snuggle into...
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
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I could probably stop writing about me discovering my mother's Narcissism or whatever she has. Because that is like a done deal.
Now, maybe I am at some kind of loss.
I wish there was something that replaced my family experience but there wasn't and there isn't even a point in talking about that any more is there?
My aunt in Pennsylvania (my father's sister) sent my mother a card intended for me I guess. With a photograph of my grown cousins. I guess one of my cousins has a family which is kind of weird to me because the last time I saw my cousins we were all still kids ourselves.
My father contacted me via email saying that he wanted to give me my great grandfather's accordion (Something my brother coveted I guess). My brother did have it.
Thing is I really don't want to be bothered. I don't have any use for this stuff.
It's kind of like now that I am older, there is no continuation of family and what existed before seemed fake now. I'm tired I think I am going to sleep soon
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I can relate, Boat.
Every now and then I wake up just stunned that I'm essentially family-free, now.
I do still think about it.
But it is less fresh, and the wounds are healing.
I focus a lot on my PHamily of chosen friends, and do experience my UU community as family.
They are in my life weekly, at least, and usually more than once.
It helps so very very much.
Otherwise, I would feel alone, peripheral, always on the fringe.
It took me a few years to intentionally build all those relationships.
And I am still open to more friends.
love
Hops
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Want to write on here, just a simple personal blurb as if I was writing just to myself and only to myself..though when I do come here not much comes out. Mostly all I can write is that I feel pooped out and guilty for not exercising and feeling good inside my body. Instead my belly and thighs feel rather chubby and bloated all the time. Also I forget that I even have this physical flesh container which this "talking" self, "self-talking" self, "writing self"...well this flesh that I live with and AM. I get not only so far inside my mind, but so inside my problems it's as if I start to inhabit the "mental picture-image" of what the problem is. The problems are real,....it's just really not fun how much is lacking from the rest of my life. IF there were other things then maybe the problems wouldn't take up so much space themselves. The problems would then have to readjust to a slice of the pie instead.
not sure what else to write about, drinking a cup of mint tea and going to go to sleep soon I hope
It's all kind of a constant--the part of self care. SELF care requires constancy. Tricky part being is that life keeps changing with so many variables...hard to get everything working all at the same time.
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Tricky part being is that life keeps changing with so many variables...hard to get everything working all at the same time.
This is so true, Bean! I think the hard part, for me, is thinking that there is a sustained place in "life"... where some people are able to get everything working all at the same time, with that constant motion and it's always like that. Whenever I've gotten to know people like that, I've found out I was wrong in my perception of their "perfection".
They're just really good at maintaining the IMAGE of perfect juggling... and they hide their frustrations, accept their failures and try again, just like we do. Sometimes, these kinds of people have also got stories like ours, too. Families like ours. Any of the times, I've ever let something slip - or intentionally tried to describe my "mom-bro" - there is instantaneous recognition from others. They know people like that too. (yeah, every once in a while I find out that this new person IS like they are too... ya pays yer nickel; ya takes yer chances...)
As far as relating to our bodies, especially as they age, I'm on the same wavelength as Hops... we gotta keep moving to feel good. It's just too easy to sit for hours... I need one of those treadmills with a small desk and power plug on the front to take my computer with me...
and it's just sooooo tempting, when my bones ache, the nerves in my foot hurt... to just pook out and plunk down into a cocoon on the couch and read what other people are talking about... because I'm so bored listening to my own crap. But the problem with that is that the chi stagnates... which causes even more aches and nerve issues... LOL... so I try to remember to BALANCE all that... some days, I remember better than others... and some days, I just say: F it. Doin what I want to do... and I don't wanna move. So there. :P
It's all good, Bean.
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I find drug addiction really scary and disturbing. I am looking at an article: http://news.msn.com/us/first-cases-of-flesh-eating-narcotic-suspected-in-us
sometimes I think I am some kind of wimp, I find most disease and illness disturbing to some degree
I mean are drugs like these developed intentionally by some "EVIL" being like the Joker character in the batman movies..... honestly I don't understand people or the world or anything
I find it odd that NASA/military or somebody? hasn't developed some kind of "blocker-drug" that can somehow make the effects drug use impotent meaning something that could be put into a person's blood stream that causes a brain to not "addict" or un-addict IDK what I am saying right now....sleep time
I find it odd that my brother died of a drug over-dose because it is somehow associated with being lower class and I never identified with being "lower class" when I was growing up even if maybe we were and still am.
Always like there were two sides. There is some side of themselves that people take to work that they show the public and then there is something else I guess.
When my brother was in high school he played guitar of course and I remember him practicing a song by the band "Motley Crue" called Dr. Feel Good. My brother had a tattoo with this phrase *dr.feel good* that he later got covered up with something innocuous. I asked my brother why he got it covered up and he told me that it's because the song is about drug-dealing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XHcPYorSJw
The band being interviewed about their drug use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDYbe4v8vw8
(sometimes I wonder about the above, if the band members never really had serious addictions but played it up as part of their bad-guy persona".. I just wonder
Other statements:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3SQBRCmTjY
Just weird stuff that I am watching tonight
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On my theme of youtube videos. Was watching an interview between Richard Dawkins and this other person Ted Haggard, (near end of video)....and on youtube Ted Haggard was described as possibly showing Narcissist facial expressions.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a Narcissistic facial expression.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmMv0ceWTVQ
Was curious what you tube would bring up about narcissism but what I found was mainly something about ego-maniacs and that doesn't seem to fit my mother. Ego-maniacs are like over the top!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94Uie7UCdOU
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The Ted Haggard story is sad to me in so many ways...I was deeply fascinated because of my upbringing. Narcissism is very probably part of it, but I also think that's bred into many preachers. Saddest to me is the adherence to human-written texts that get people utterly bollixed up about their own reality, and so often block the capacity for compassion...and self acceptance.
"Class" is another thing that makes me nuts.
You are a first-class human being, Bean.
Hops
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Thanks @ Hops
Tonight I am just tired, glad to notice that finally the country radio station that I listen to has some new song selections mixed in with the same 15 songs they replay over and over
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Now my mother says she is giving some of the boxes of things of mine that are just sitting in her huge basement to my father for some weird ferking reason. I just sent an e-mail telling my father that I thought they were both weird ass holes or something like that.
Oh well. Life is a biotch, weirdness is to be expected. Considering I haven't seen my father in over 10 years or more like 15 years it's pretty stupid that she would give anything of mine to him. But she knows I wouldn't like it, hence the motivation for doing it. I wish these people would just die. And she prefaces the email with How are you? Hope you are doing well...she doesn't hope that I am doing well. Obviously.
What do I do? Block emails, change phone numbers....just disappear. And it is stupid because I would feel alone and like I have no family...but I already am pretty much alone with no real family so what am I doing?
Do I finally quit them cold-turkey? My brother is already dead obviously. Well. Just re-focus on something else I suppose. God something has got to change. I'm tired of this.
I'm on the verge of calling my father and saying a bunch of nasty shit to him, tell him he is a manipulative piece of shit. Apparently he is moving here or something like that. What a fucking weirdo. I wish he wouldn't.
I don't have to be nice.
Yeah I am going to call him and tell him to leave ME and my stuff alone.. He has no business messing with me in any way whatsoever. And I am not going to be nice. I'll try to be a calm jerk instead of a screaming insane maniac. Nope this isn't happening.....quiet polite little me....is not happy. I find it very odd that my father who was divorced from my mother many years ago now is having some kind of interaction with her. just fucking weird --weirdos
we are not in this together.....that is a clear "mantra" of my "family"
I'm too old to be like this. I should be buffered by having my OWN LIFE. right if I had a life, a good one, I would be buffered from people and things from the past....losers that don't mean shit anymore
ASSHOLES
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My minutia:
This Sunday am awake early so in theory I have plenty of time to write. Grumpy of course because that is just the way I am these days. I have Sunday off, go back to work on Mondays which are the busiest day of the week at the call center. And then I have Tuesdays off. So now I don't have proper weekend.
I spend bunch of time chatting with people that I really don't know, even though it is the same group of people.
One in Canada, one in Pakistan, one in Ireland, one in New Zealand. It's interesting but a pointless waste of time. I need some kind of down time though. I feel like doing nothing when I get home after work, often I get home at 7:30 PM or later because of the bus trip.
Just sitting on my rear, listening to the radio and drinking coffee. May try to make a phone call about a hair cut.
Got to consider my complacency, discouragement....and my really fed-up and angry disposition...I am unhappy probably...I don't really expect to be happy....my life has really been drudging and enduring scenarios that I don't want to be living.
doing nothing and time just passes by
I procrastinate against applying for other jobs for a number of reasons (1) I don't wish to explain (2) because starting a new job is change (3) because when I was living in homeless shelters I got burnt out on applying for jobs and not being offered anything (4) I don't have a career the resume doesn't look impressive to anybody (5) No university degree (6) It requires more sitting on the internet (7) it's not fun and not how I want to spend my day off of work looking for another crap job. (8) (number8) currently I can wear jeans and tennis shoes to work, I would not look forward to putting on slacks at this point
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Well, I made a couple of phone calls about appointments for hair cuts, just left messages. My hair is driving me crazy, I'm 35 years old and I keep it kind of long like a younger person. It's become more and more frizzy the older I get it seems.
I probably need to stop reacting emotionally to life. Some people just are solid when they do things, it's not a big emotional trama or hassle all the time. Not every thing in life has to be a big internal emotional drama. IDK.
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1. Death of a spouse
2. Jail sentence
3. Death of immediate family member
4. Immediate family member commits suicide
5. Getting into debt beyond means of repayment
6. Period of homelessness
7. Immediate family member seriously ill
8. Unemployment (of head of household)
9. Divorce
10. Break up of family
It's that list of stressful life events..... LOL uggg...
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I want to read some Richard Dawkins books:
haven't picked up any of them
The Magic of Reality: How We Know What's Really True
The Selfish Gene
The God Delusion
Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder
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Speaking of following rabbit holes on the internet...I think your Dawkins video, Boat, got me started on this particular voyage...and I'm long fascinated by blogs about people who've escaped cults.
So I wound up on this blog. She writes well, and I particularly enjoyed her FAQ page where she made really clear how she stands on different kinds of things. The woman is a walking assertiveness lesson, and boy is that a fur piece from where she started!
http://www.mycultlife.com/ (http://www.mycultlife.com/)
enjoy?
Hops
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Waking up by eating Smarties candies and a cup of instant folgers coffee.
Right at this very moment 9:50 I am scheduled to already be at work. Well, my radio alarm clock didn't go off this morning. So I am debating between just calling in sick or going in late.
Feeling stressed out because I could be fired for this, it's only a temp job and I haven't called in sick except for the 2 days off with my brother's situation.
Lots of normal jobs allow for people to be late or call in sick on occasion. I had so much vacation and sick leave saved up and the good job I used to have, I frequent had over a months vacation time stored up at any point in time because I rarely called in sick etc.
I feel anxious about going in to work late.
If I just call sick then I could spend the day trying to mess with my resume etc. I don't know what to do at this point I feel torn.
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Waking up by eating Smarties candies and a cup of instant folgers coffee.
Right at this very moment 9:50 I am scheduled to already be at work. Well, my radio alarm clock didn't go off this morning. So I am debating between just calling in sick or going in late.
Feeling stressed out because I could be fired for this, it's only a temp job and I haven't called in sick except for the 2 days off with my brother's situation.
Lots of normal jobs allow for people to be late or call in sick on occasion. I had so much vacation and sick leave saved up and the good job I used to have, I frequent had over a months vacation time stored up at any point in time because I rarely called in sick etc.
I feel anxious about going in to work late.
If I just call sick then I could spend the day trying to mess with my resume etc. I don't know what to do at this point I feel torn.
Ah Green, that's a horrible situation to find yourself in, whichever way it goes I hope you feel better about it all soon.
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Too late to be helpful, but in case it's useful sometime:
My advice in this instance would be as soon as you realize you've overslept,
immediately pick up the phone and call your supervisor.
Apologize, and keep it simple:
"I'm very sorry but I missed the alarm and need to let you know
I am going to be late this morning. I'm hurrying and should be in
by XX o'clock. I'm sorry this happened, and I'll see you soon."
I think we develop huge fears of just telling the truth when we make
a mistake. But...human beings are:
--ALLOWED (birthright) to make mistakes, and
--INCAPABLE of controlling others' responses
That means, when you offer the best you've got (truth, apology,
getting a better alarm clock) -- how a supervisor reacts or interprets
it all, is on them. So...if you try, you can learn to speak your truth
and then release the outcome. That tends to dissipate anxiety, as
you've done the best you could in that circumstance.
Most of the time, a decent supervisor, hearing a responsible and
adult calm message like that, will respect your effort. If not? Well,
if oversleeping were a crime, I'd be doing time!
Hope that helps sometime.
love
Hops
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^^^....Hi Hops ....^^^
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My father called my telephone over the weekend. Left a non descript voicemail message. Apparently he plans to move to the state I live in, AND even has some plan of associating himself with me whether I like it or not. I did not return his phone call. There is more I could say but I have to get ready for work soon. Why won't he just get the *ucking hint that after not maintaining a relationship with him for the last 10+ years. I really want him to go away.
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Would it be painful to briefly summarize the story of your father, Boat?
I need a refresher...if it's okay for you.
(And if it's not I'll go back and read.)
xo
Hops
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I'm awake early today, 6:30 AM, is my day off of work, anxious, have a lot to complete etc.
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@ Hops, he is just weird.
I wouldn't know how to summarize it, I could try though it's not fresh for me, it's just old and worn out etc.
One thing is that he doesn't have any current friends, he has old friends that he knew in high school and he is using these old friendships as a basis to move closer to me even though I want nothing to do with him. He said, "I have a lot of friends in your state and I could move there but that really has a lot to do with you". I think he is kind of mentally delusional. When my brother died he told me that two people contacted him, "friends" from work. Though he hasn't worked in a long time now. Those two people I highly doubt contacted him, I think he almost has "imaginary friends". It is hard to describe Hops, he is probably an alcoholic and co-dependent as he is very emotionally clingy and needy. When I was growing up he had no conceptualization of me being a separate person from him and needing to turn into an adult etc. I know people joke about father's that don't want to let their kids go or grow up but whatever his deal is I want nothing to do with it. I've had a lot of bad and deprivation etc. I want my own life, and have the freedom to try and make the BEST out of it.
I don't know what his deal is, and I really don't want to get into his mental world, if I were to sum it up in some kind of stereotypical phrase it would be this:
My father is an unemployed, daily alcohol drinking, emotionally draining and controlling, imposing "bum" who will not go away.
He was living with my aunt/his sister for a while, then he moved in with my brother. He says he doesn't need to live in any kind of assisted care facility or whatever but he has health problems and he doesn't appear to want to TRULY live independently. I suggested to him that he try to live in some kind of "community/like retirement situation"... to which he wants nothing to do with. AND THAT IS HIS OWN decision. Cause he is not going to glob onto me, that is kind of my fear, that he will come here, find me and not go away. I just want space space space. He doesn't "get it" that he can't use one other person as his sole social outlet and connection and I FELT LIKE that when him and my mother divorced.
When I think about the funnest most stereotypical "father" experience....was when my UNCLE took me and his two boys fishing earlier one morning, he woke us up early, it was an adventure and we got to ride in the back of his truck and we all went out fishing. I have ZERO memories of my father like that. My father is almost a self-imposed "shut in", growing up he would always say that gas money cost too much money so there was never any point of going anywhere. I didn't take sports classes, I didn't go to the zoo,....there are a lot of things that I just didn't do as a kid. His whole personality is like that though just weird and depriving. The Halloween costumes I had were made by friends of the family who noticed that if it was left up to my father I wouldn't have one. Birthday parties, my father never had one for me.
He went over to my brother's house to help clean it up. He explained to me about syringes he had found in a back room where he was cooking whatever drug he was doing. Still don't know exactly what he over dosed from. My father had to tell me in detail about "blood spurts" on the wall. I find this weird and uncomfortable and it's hard to explain it, he is socially inappropriate and there is more gory type stuff that he told me about. He depresses me. Other people if they had to go into a house it that situation, they would just go in and out as fast as possible.
He also has health problems that frankly I don't want to think about because even I don't have my own health insurance.
I'm not married, it's just me, my life isn't stable at all and I don't want the psychological burden or emotional strain of participating in his problems because I have my own.
He never got re-married when he was divorced from my mother....and I was his emotional vent for the divorce...he never stopped talking bitterly about the divorce etc. HE never would have thought that it is NOT what a 6 year old kid needs to be exposed to. They just were losers, my parents were, and didn't know how to be parents, and took very little joy or interest in my life. And now it doesn't matter any longer that all was a very long time ago.
To be honest both me and my father don't have social relationships....and I don't want that to be some kind of sick reason why we are stuck to each other. We are probably schizoid personalities or introverts or something.
When I found this voicelessness board it was right after I lost a good job in health care. I had quit taking an anti-depressant wellbutrin.. and that combined with the job loss put me into a real "funk" but honestly at the same time I think it was a little bit of a psychological wake up for me at the same time. I never started taking antidepressants again after that. I felt that there was a "fog of illusion and delusion" that I kind of came to grips with.
My father's world is a mental place that I don't want to hear about, I don't want to talk to him, what makes it worse is that he has that "man of the house arrogance thing" that guys get when they are used to being the person who is in charge or has power. So that is enough about him. It's a bad old drag of a story.
I want new people in my life. Different landscape. I want a life that is radically different from what I grew up with and I was somewhat achieving that when I had a good job.
The past really is the past. Really the only thing that dominates my life and cuts it into segments of time are my paychecks, the paychecks time frame is the current event.
well this isn't exactly what I was planning on writing about but there it is.
I really need to apply for more jobs and stuff like that feh hard to find the time to do that with my current job though....today is going to be busy.
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I really need to start telling myself about the possible opportunities inherent in certain activities. Like the job-application process. Feel really out of the loop and flow and that my work skills are not that valuable so kind of bummed out about the whole prospect. But really I have to get pumped up about it and try to get excited about something. It's 8:00 AM this day can not end without me putting in some job applications. :D
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I don't want the psychological burden or emotional strain of participating in his problems because I have my own.
Absolutely clear. And BRAVO for it.
He is an emotional vampire, and your blood is busy sustaining you.
I hear it. And am totally impressed.
So...the absolutely only answer that I see is BOUNDARIES and ASSERTIVENESS.
That is what puts YOU in control. There will be no invasion of your headspace OR your lifespace that you don't permit.
It's tough but I am positive you can do it.
Couldn't recommend more heartily than you seek out assertiveness training...even that free online thing I posted recently.
You are sounding HEALTHY and focused to me, Boat.
Good luck with your day, and one good day at a time is exactly what changes things.
(If you miss one, etc., so what. Just get up the next day.)
I read something recently that hit me: The only thing you have to do is begin.
The next day, also begin. Just keep beginning the thing that needs to be done.
That's really, I guess, what there is no yesterday or tomorrow, only today...really means.
Huh!
Hugs,
Hops
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Well on my day off I made a mushroom omelette for breakfast.
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If any of you ever get bored and want to chat then I would give you my email.
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Hi Boat,
I'd offer email in a heartbeat except I've mostly had a "rule" that I only do the board
in general...
don't even like PMing.
Also because you're so interesting I'd check my email 20 times a day.
xo
Hops
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It's no problem Hops!
I probably shouldn't be spending my time chatting with people but I do. I chat with somebody in England, Ireland, New Zealand and Pakistan. I think it just gives me a distraction.
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This morning I went to drop of a $200.00 deposit at a room for rent that is small and in a 70's style house. The woman who rents it told me when I gave her the money order that she has 80,000 dollars in college loan debt, found out that her teenage son drives a car to high school but doesn't apparently have a job. The woman gave a business card, she is a family counselor and works 2 days a week. There is only one shower in the house and would be shared by 4 people. So not too excited about it but at least I have some place to go. AND I am tired having to always say to myself "it's not ideal but it is something". Oh well. There is also a Rottweiler in the garage that I will have to make friends with in order to access the washing machine and dryer. So yeah. Feh. So is the cycle of my life. I am going to add more in a few minutes.
Um, I have been cleaning on my Sunday. Bleached everything in the bathroom I use, then cleaned part of the oven out and the refrigerator and washed down cupboards and appliances.
I don't feel like going anywhere, got no way to go easily and nobody to go with. So no weekend trips for me but at least I got a walk in I suppose.
So the person gave me her business card she is a family therapist and she deals with sex issues...I knew I sensed some kind of vibe from her she is kind of a sex therapist. Figures. I'm going to miss my current room mate she is so normal, nice and down to earth.
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I am procrastinating against applying for other jobs.
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Feel pretty far away from spirituality right now. Used to be that I would go to Buddhist circles and stuff like that, READ about spirituality in one form or the other. Now it all kind of seems silly to me- silly and distant stuff. I look back and I question how could I have spent so much time on that stuff.
Not sure why I am posting this, just an observation of myself I guess. It's funny how it is easier to believe in those things when I feel good and harder do believe if I feel bad.
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Hey Boat,
I'm wishing there were a more cheerful house for you to share...are you on your own for finding a room to rent? Just looking up notices, etc?
I understand what you mean about spirituality being harder to find when you're down. I'm feeling that way too. For me, it's about winter coming. I've been saying to myself stuff like: All you have to do now is get up, do the day, endure it, and spring is going to come.
I'm feeling isolated again and really need to do something about it. My schedule makes it hard. I think living alone wouldn't be so hard if I had some way of meeting a friend during the week. Now, with the pooch, I have to come home first and take care of her, and so then it's hard to unplug myself to go out again just for some human connection in an evening. But I need to, so my project is to figure out how.
I think if she can go with me and wait in the car, since it's no longer hot out, that'd be better...
Chin up Boat...this too shall get better. (I like meditation that's not "about" spirituality but just lets me connect with whatever I can connect with that day, without labeling it...)
hugs
Hops
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Today was my day off from work, I got on a bus went over to a small down-town area of an adjacent city. Got some Chicken Satay for late-lunch. After I walked out of the restaurant and was standing by a bus stop a fire engine showed up, an ambulance showed up and the city sheriff showed up in an suv.
There was a man in a wheel chair on the side walk that was the focal point and some guy standing somewhere near him that I guess had called the emergency services, maybe a neighbor, maybe his care taker I am not sure. Maybe the guy in the wheel chair was suicidal. Again I am not sure what the detail was about that. The guy in the wheel chair was yelling no when the fireman tried to get close to him etc. It was an electronic wheel chair and in the process of trying to get away from the fireman was going out into traffic and blocking traffic etc.
Well like clock work there was a car packed full of 4-5 people guys and one gal who parked in the parking lot across the street and then started yelling at the man in the wheel chair heckling him. Although young they certainly didn't look like teenagers. When the excitement died down they drove away seemingly not really having any other reason to be there and then when they drove by I flipped them off. Of course I should not have done that.
I could be silly for saying this. When emergency services show up should it not be illegal to harass the situation?
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Hey Boat,
I'm wishing there were a more cheerful house for you to share...are you on your own for finding a room to rent? Just looking up notices, etc?
I understand what you mean about spirituality being harder to find when you're down. I'm feeling that way too. For me, it's about winter coming. I've been saying to myself stuff like: All you have to do now is get up, do the day, endure it, and spring is going to come.
I'm feeling isolated again and really need to do something about it. My schedule makes it hard. I think living alone wouldn't be so hard if I had some way of meeting a friend during the week. Now, with the pooch, I have to come home first and take care of her, and so then it's hard to unplug myself to go out again just for some human connection in an evening. But I need to, so my project is to figure out how.
I think if she can go with me and wait in the car, since it's no longer hot out, that'd be better...
Chin up Boat...this too shall get better. (I like meditation that's not "about" spirituality but just lets me connect with whatever I can connect with that day, without labeling it...)
hugs
Hops
Yeah I guess we go through stages and phases. Just noticing that the things I used to do in my free time have fallen by the way side and my beliefs have also kind of been stripped away and useless. shrug oh well
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Yah I have nothing much to say only that I am rather lonely. Have to work tomorrow yay!
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(((((((((((((((((((Boat Bean)))))))))))))))))))
I like it a lot when people say they're lonely.
It is so taboo to admit it in many settings...like we're all supposed to be flippin' cowboys or robots...
I have thought and written and felt a lot about loneliness.
Even recently. I hate it.
But I do know it can come and go, if I remember to keep
a light expectation of good things (and stay "out there" -- volunteering, parking my
butt in the UU pew even if I'm not in the mood since I always feel better after the service).
I think, for me, it's like --- there, i recognize myself as an organism that lives in community.
When I don't go for long stretches, I am an organism that lives in isolation. Plus, the
repetition of seeing the same faces, like 'em or not, week after week, means that I am
actually experiencing belonging.
And in small classes or groups, I get to know people. We schedule stuff.
I think a volunteer gig could produce very similar results, too.
hugs
Hops
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Hum well I wouldn't mind a lonely cowboy :P don't think they go to church much.
I agree with you Hops that lonliness is something that most people probably don't want to admit to but if asked directly most people would probably admit that they get lonely. There are a lot of factors rolled into it I guess. Maybe I will come back and write about it maybe not. I'm used to being alone, took me a long time to understand when I was feeling lonely and what that feeling sense was. Guess it has become my mode of operation almost. During times of stress I feel it more.
It's a good thing that you have your church routine going on for you, also liked the way you mentioned that some of the people you like to see and maybe some others not so much because that really IS the truth of social situations one can not rule out going just because there maybe some people one does not feel comfortable around because there is bound to be somebody who clicks.
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I'm being lazy, bought a cup of espresso stand coffee and a package of bacon came home cooked it up. Now just sitting on my bum trying to figure out what to do with my day.
Kind of feel like things take me forever to get in motion, to get the ball rolling to make things happen. To get it done. Not little things I mean the larger things in life. I am the opposite of a mover and a shaker.
Got no plans for the day only to take a shower, try to buy some fall related clothes like some leggings and long sleeve shirts or something like that.
I guess I could say that I am in a depressive slump though since I quit taking medication for depression I have quit identifying with the term depression.
Not having a car also makes it harder to get out and about. And not having a life makes it harder to make friends.
I would probably just go for a drive in the country today is all. Walk around somewhere that is about it.
There are no movies that I want to watch they all look dumb.
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http://www.livescience.com/13260-bully-victims-brain.html
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Just need to write this out. For a place to deposit it. Like making a bank deposit routinely, now I am in the habit of putting my garbage here.
I don't need a response.
I'm upset at the moment, now awake much later than planned on, mainly because I am frazzled, literally am shaking.
Mainly about my father who has now moved to the state I live in since my brother dying.
I basically called him tonight responding to an email that he sent me.
Have said it to him in not so nice terms.
"Don't want to see you"
"Don't want all of your emails"
"WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND"
My mother had some belongings of mine in her basement. Of course I shouldn't have anything at her home at all. But lucky for her she has plenty of vacant space in a house that she has ownership of LUCKY for her again. My father took it upon himself to "possess" my belongings.
So basically he is in my state and has my stuff now all of which somehow he claims he didn't plan etc.
So I called him I told him to leave my things alone, I told him to leave me alone. And in the end I guess he is getting negative attention out of it.
I wasn't yelling at him but it was barely a notch down from that, clear loud talking. I feel hostile and I don't want him around.
Why is this so stressful -- I feel like I am having the proverbial "emotional meltdown".
Maybe I should just conceptualize him like a stalker. I say I don't want to see you and yet somehow he still is contacting me and referring to meeting etc. AND I have made it abundantly clear that across state borders is the perfect amount of nearness for me.
I don't like him. That is my right.
I don't need this in my life it feels bad. It feels stressful. It's disrupting my sleep.
Relatives suck I have no idea if there really is such thing as non-toxic relatives. All I know is that I can't take it anymore. I've been through a lot.
I'm too old for this shit. I am so wide awake and wired right now. Few hours ago I was going to sleep.
This isn't healthy it is stressing me out.
What I really want is peace. I am closer to my "peace" when he is not in the picture. I am closer to feeling OKAY when this stuff isn't going on.
I have had my own life for a long time apart from my father. I feel claustrophobic. I feel angry. It's like a nightmare-my mother and my father communicating with each other in the same state etc. My f*cking moron of a father thinking that he is now friends with my mother. It's non of my business I don't care what the fuck he does but he has to stay out of my life.
I don't care if I have to be a royal biotch. Somebody once told me that growing up means you realize that you have the right to say "FERCK YOU" and I agree. I am going to make him miserable, he eventually will get it that I am a pain in the ass and not a little push around nice girl any more and he will go away. I am going to be tired tomorrow and I am going to make a very mean phone call.
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Was going to write but I am too tired to do so
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I'm tired, have to pack stuff tonight. Got off of work late now it is 9 PM
Also I think I am getting sick or it could just be stress
I want to write but don't have the energy/time right now.
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Hi Bean,
I know you said you didn't need a response but just wanted you to know that I read it, understand where you're coming from and am thinking of you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Green Bean)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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.............."Family and Friends there are the people you trust most when you need them to be there"
This is an advertisement that I am listening to on the radio right now.
I am trying to wake up and get back to the packing quickly though this is not a fast moving process for me right now. I wish could spend the day writing. That kind of settled chilled out feeling that is pretty much a prerequisite to really being able to spend the time to write or something.
At least I have someplace to go I guess. Though there are no coffee shops or anything around that area, kind of nowhere area. Going to take some garbage out the dumpster and grab a cup of coffee at a coffee stand then come back and resume efforts. :) slowly but surely
Well packing is very near to complete, little pick up truck coming here in about an hour
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Well it is done the move is over with already though I haven't unpacked anything.
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Sheesh. Hate that you had to uproot, Boat.
Hope you can create some coziness and a space for art and color.
Is there a yard? Can you grow stuff? That could be satisfying,
to plan a simple bed for spring...start collecting household compost, etc.
I hope you find things to like there...
xo
Hops
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Hiya Hops,
Actually I don't plan on staying here for long. Not long enough for spring to come and watch anything grow. I really didn't want to come here it was just what became available in my price range and area etc. Though thank you very much for all of the well wishing. Moving made me lose my appetite this afternoon. Literally I was hungry and then I wasn't high anxiety stuff. LOL
Well today I have itchy bug bites on the back of my knees. So I think that crappy place has given me fleas or something.
I swear its ALWAYS something in life.
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Well Today is my day off of work, so I guess I better go to do my errands, going to pack up the lap top and take it along with me etc.
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Been asking myself why I still come here and if I even should because typically I come here and kind of complain about things that are bothering me etc.
So today I started thinking about that.
I think some of it comes from aloneness. So it seems I have identified a definition for some of my family background that I hope is overall something from the past and if it is from a different time I should/could/would or have moved on.
What I struggle with now overall is aloneness. I think if I wasn't feeling so alone in every endeavor that life wouldn't be quite as stressful possibly, maybe each little thing just wouldn't seem like impending doom.
I always feel like my life is holding on by a thread and I'm only a blink away from some kind of disaster that is out of my control.
Overall that is how I feel alone and out of control. Though, I have some tools. I have a functioning lap top which does help me to at least be connected to information.
Today at work I left early because I was having some kind of issue. If I had to explain it I would say that it's quite likely it was an anxiety attack though I'm not 100% sure sometimes panic attacks seem really legitimate. I went back to my desk two times trying to stay but just needed to leave telling the human resources person that I was going to go see a doctor though I then realized that the community health clinic which I had gone to a couple of times before takes no walk in patients whatsoever. I know that I do not need to see a doctor when I am having an anxiety attack though I felt like I had some kind of lump in my throat. When I left work I had a headache, a jaw-ache and literally could feel the tension in my face muscles and I still feel my jaw clenching.
Anyways there are some other things I must complete this evening. So I will go. I think I write here because maybe in my imagination it is like talking to an imaginary friend. I really don't know.
I have only stayed 3 days at my current rental place and already it seems like a place where I better do my best to cut my losses.
This morning the other "renter" was having a conversation with the rentee.....she is an older woman in her late 60's and it sounds like she was told she needs to move into a smaller room. As far as I can tell there are 4 rooms two of which were occupied by herself and her kid. It seems like she was trying to have the kid sleep downstairs in the living room or somewhere? So she could rent out 3 rooms.
It's not a large house. She told me she was 80,000 in debt. She only works two days a week. When I was leaving for work this morning she was running a bath and then she was back in bed watching TV.
Feeling not good about it all.
XOXO from me to me?
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I ain't imaginary.
I care about you, Boat.
I had acute panic attacks for years...horriblehorrible.
And haven't had one in a decade or more. It will get better.
I think you're smart to recognize that aloneness IS a risk factor
in life. As much as poverty or mental illness. If writing here, sometimes
more or less, helps that even momentarily, it's worth doing, imo.
I know loneliness drove me here in the first place, and talking
(to myself, the ether, AND my VSMB companions) -- eases it.
Meanwhile, getting various little clarities about myself one step at a time,
has helped me a lot to also do new things in 3D world, to help
my life get better.
I hate when it's too gradual and I understand how on the edge you
feel. I hope you will keep trying to find a way to get support,
counseling you can work with, community of some kind. You
have already taken some major steps for yourself in the last
year. Then you had the trauma of your brother...and father.
No wonder you're feeling additional inner stress, on top of
work, crap housing. That's emotional wounding that CAN heal.
You're right that human connection insulates you from disaster.
I will keep you in my thoughts and light,
Hops
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Thanks Hops
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Today I signed paperwork to transition from a contract employee to a regular, no major change in benefits or wage so it was rather pointless. Stressful also.
I'm tired of change. especially when it is not particularly gratifying
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Bean I think the aloneness is what many people find difficult. I find the sheer weight of what needs to be done every day overwhelming. From the small things - like every drink and snack - to the big things like the fence needing repairing and the house needing redecorating, to the really big things like not being able to sustain relationships and worrying about my son - it all has to be done by just me, and I guess that's the same for you. Added to that I just seem to find most people annoying these days so I end up staying in by myself because it's less energy than dealing with people who are driving me nuts. I wish I had an answer - if I come up with one I will let you know!
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Had a weird dream about being prego and fatty. aka pregnancy. So I googled meaning of that type of dream
Came here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/13/dreams-about-being-pregnant_n_891547.html
Found this paragraph kind of interesting, the bit about the power. Mainly because in North America we are supposed to be past women's lib. and also because it reminds of an aspect about Narcissism.
Who tends to have dreams about being pregnant most frequently?
"Dreaming about being pregnant is an extremely common dream, particularly for women," Mead says. "However, I've had some male clients who also have pregnancy dreams. Since becoming a mother is one of the more socially accepted ways women get to experience and wield power, it can be a very rich and varied territory for dream analysis."
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Last night I had a dream that made me wake up feeling a bit funky and sad, sucks when a dream starts the day off like this.
The environment was in some kind of town/city as in some place that was kind of like las vegas or a china town. Don't have the time to write this now. Though not sure if it matters.
Was with my father and I lost him in the crowd, didn't know what hotel he was staying in had no way to find him.
Walked around the winding congested metro area and couldn't find.
Feeling Rat Racy it's my day off and I can't relax.
At job I was signed on permanently, got a letter from my staffing company just said thank you for your service. Typically there would have been a paycheck in it. There wasn't so it means I might have to wait for the next pay cycle. I don't think that is fair they didn't even tell me they wouldn't be sending the check this week and I was still employed with them.
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Sweeter dreams tonight, Boat.
I note that some part of you misses your father.
Is that something you want to think about?
love
Hops
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The part of me that has some emotional feeling about my father is a little kid/child part of the emotional life that is too naïve to know any better.
It's not a priority in my life
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I called my father because he now has $800.00 worth of my personal belongings.
Pretty much he wanted to tell me his stupid justification for now owning my stuff which I bought brand new. I told him he could have gone out and gotten his own stuff.
I started yelling on the phone at him I called him a piece if sheet. He said I was being verbally abusive.....ah duh....
I really want him to go away, I don't like him.
It only confirms to me that it was true that I was voiceless when I was growing up. My voice never mattered.
Now so many years down the road all I could really do was listen to my own voice talking louder than his during this "conversation".
Basically if he wants something he is just going to be a slime bag about it.
I need to go turn the microwave on again. Be back in a few.
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I just can't keep composure having to talk with him.
I'm not happy with him having my stuff and any respectful person would respect that. But he doesn't.
I frequently think about just cutting losses now in life. Though some how I am finding myself in situations where I feel like there are numerous situations where there are "losses" and at some point I don't want to have the feeling of losses any longer. Literally losing money.
I'm angry.
I'm also tired.
I felt like the further I got away from him the more "progress" I was making because I feel better when I don't have to deal with him. It's 100% conflict and his warped universe. Now here he is again and now it's costing me money on top of it.
It just never goes away ever. My parents initially must have recognized some kind of mutual mental illness in each other and therefore found some affinity in each other long ago.
Why am I still dealing with it?
There were no real "relationships" in my family that healthy adults have. I mean I would say it was nothing but manipulation from every person's part. manipulative relationships --not the same as real interpersonal relationships
God just let it be over already
I feel like I can never be who I want to be. I don't want to be defined by something from the past.
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I'm awake drinking instant coffee, trying to get motivated to surf craigslist. It's almost 7 AM. I am sitting cross legged on the floor and have the country station on.
Oh that reminds me I need to make an email about my prescription if that is the one thing I do today Halleluja however that is spelled.
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Sometimes country music just says it ALL.
I'm sorry you're feeling bleak.
Here's my all-time favorite for you, Bean...moved me so much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_IqxxaLs0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_IqxxaLs0)
xo
Hops
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Hi Hops, I never saw this person perform on AGT.
That is pretty cool, kind of weird how humorous the audience thought he was considering there are an awful lot of "rednecks" in this world.
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I got through my work day
I made it home
I am getting emails from my mother about my father being in possession of my stuff so now my father and mother are teamed up I guess now that my brother is dead, a rather new alliance there
Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day
Wondering if I can come up with some kind of "plan" for the future
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Going to do errands and shop inefficiently on my Sunday off of work. :)
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My shopping was not very eventful. Still haven't gotten "winter-wear".
Instead I screwed around in the dollar store, bought some tinsel garlands and just got finished wrapping them together in spirals to make them twist of two colors.
My inner child loves tinsel LOL--no for real she really does. Now I have an issue with glitter on the floor. I better clean it up.
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Another day, just time going by. Working and nothing else.
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I called my father because he now has $800.00 worth of my personal belongings.
Pretty much he wanted to tell me his stupid justification for now owning my stuff which I bought brand new. I told him he could have gone out and gotten his own stuff.
I started yelling on the phone at him I called him a piece if sheet. He said I was being verbally abusive.....ah duh....
I really want him to go away, I don't like him.
It only confirms to me that it was true that I was voiceless when I was growing up. My voice never mattered.
Now so many years down the road all I could really do was listen to my own voice talking louder than his during this "conversation".
Basically if he wants something he is just going to be a slime bag about it.
I need to go turn the microwave on again. Be back in a few.
Ah, Green. My mum did something similar, with jewellery of mine that she had for safe keeping and then denied having. It was all about control and mind games. I walked away from it. For me, the most powerful weapon in the fight against 'them' was silence - to completely ignore, not to respond to anything, not to interact in any way shape or form. I haven't always managed to do it. Sometimes I've been so angry I've let rip. But on the whole I've acted like they don't exist. ((((((((((((((((((((((Green))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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I should sleep just surfing the net
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Just another day going to work, eating a TV dinner in my room etc.
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The part of me that has some emotional feeling about my father is a little kid/child part of the emotional life that is too naïve to know any better.
It's not a priority in my life
Those little kids sometimes deserve the time and attention, to listen to them - and hear what's important to them. Sometimes, they've kept secrets for a very, very long time and it's not fair when they're really in pain. When the little ones are ourselves, we can truly help them and free them and care for them, the way they needed to be cared for. Mostly they need to know someone cares about them. It can be enough that we care for ourselves, when we were/are that little girl.
I feel kinda like I'm buttin here... so feel free to tell me to get lost, OK? You've kinda triggered my busybody "mom" gene... LOL!
I'm worried about your new living arrangement. Trust your intuition on that, OK? I really think you need a "safe" place. Safe from... whatever it is that is causing your panic attacks. You're really smart, so I know you'll figure that out for yourself. But, if you can find a place that's safe enough to listen to that little one -- she will help keep you company, and you might not feel so lonely (and vice versa) -- and I'll bet you a box of donuts and a starbucks, that she'll also be a great friend and partner in your endeavors.
Big hug, green bean!! Just because.
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Today I slept longer than I wanted to just so I wouldn't wake my room mates up now I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my morning/day.
Literally like I will probably spend the day trying to tidy up and figure out what to do with the day.
Oh well I have things I need to get done instead of going out everyday.
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My day at work was pretty good today.
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Hi Green Bean,
Just read your story and I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and for your whole situation.
I want to read the rest of your story.
Sending you a quick hug since I have to run and do something for work.
Beth
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Hi Grat. Ty
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Today I have a slight hangover being that I only had one beer last night. Though today I am royally tired just waiting patiently for this coffee to kick in.
Haven't been here much. Feel like my words are stuck and cant come out.
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Just the Holidays kind of suck a little bit. I think the Holidays really sock it to you about HOW MUCH your life sucks rest of the time one can kind of "pretend it doesn't suck so much".
I think I am going to drink tea and sleep early tonight, that is about all I've got to say I think.
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Been missing my brother the last couple of days. His ex-wife hasn't contacted me once which is fine but she doesn't say anything about my nephews which is maybe none of my business.
My mother has emailed me asking if I am going to meet up with her before Christmas to which I have not responded.
Tomorrow is my day off of work and I can not decide what to do.
My mind is blank, just listening to music.
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Is it taboo for you to reach out to the ex wife and ask about nephews?
Wishing you peace, all the good things coming into the silence, Boat.
Hops
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@Hops Well, she is remarried and has more kids and a new husband etc. It's just something that she wants to be gone and over with which is understandable.
I've never met her in person and I don't think I have ever even talked to her on the phone. I think I sent her maybe 2-3 emails. I avoided her and my brother for a very long time because I knew the situation would not turn out well.
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You know that mental state of trying to make one's SELF SMALL and out of other people's WAY. Not bothering other people... Kind of like trying to take up less space and stuff...
Well even at my age I go in and out of this place of smallness. I don't want to take over everything I just want to be me. I want my own space. Literally.
I especially like those people whom LIKE it when I am myself. :)
Ever notice how some people like you more when you are yourself....and then there are just those other people.... I don't know it's morning time here. I literally feel as though maybe there is not enough space for me to brush my teeth here. Sigh.
:( ): Should go back to writing some kind of gratitude list and give myself a pep talk Or just come here to write a little more. Been out of my writing phase for quite a few years now.
Just feeling okay should this be a struggle... really !! ? !! JUST FEELING OKAY JUST FEELING AT EASE JUST BEING ONE's SELF shrug
In fact I feel like I am going to blow up LOL feel really uncomfortable and uptight.
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You know that mental state of trying to make one's SELF SMALL and out of other people's WAY. Not bothering other people... Kind of like trying to take up less space and stuff...
Well even at my age I go in and out of this place of smallness. I don't want to take over everything I just want to be me. I want my own space. Literally.
I especially like those people whom LIKE it when I am myself. :)
Ever notice how some people like you more when you are yourself....and then there are just those other people.... I don't know it's morning time here. I literally feel as though maybe there is not enough space for me to brush my teeth here. Sigh.
:( ): Should go back to writing some kind of gratitude list and give myself a pep talk Or just come here to write a little more. Been out of my writing phase for quite a few years now.
Just feeling okay should this be a struggle... really !! ? !! JUST FEELING OKAY JUST FEELING AT EASE JUST BEING ONE's SELF shrug
In fact I feel like I am going to blow up LOL feel really uncomfortable and uptight.
Completely understand this. I get like everything just gets stuffed in so that nothing can move. A therapist I used to see compared it to that drawer or cupboard that most people have at home that they bung stuff in when they don't really know what to do with it and eventually you shove one more thing in and everything comes spilling out. I find when I get that uptight I usually end up having a really big cry and it eases off after that. I hope it gives a little bit for you soon, Green.
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My father invited me to spend Christmas with him after I flipped out and screamed at him on my telephone. WHAT THE FERK is wrong with him. Creep. He still has my stuff. I can't stand him. I am not going to respond to his email.
It just makes me uncomfortable that he doesn't take a clue that he has like no normal social understanding of "go away" and "don't take my stuff"
I want my own life
I want respect
I want to be healthy
I know what I want and also who and what I don't want in my life.
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I didn't respond to my father's email. This morning I composed a few possible responses and I re-realized what I already know that it is futility and to just treat it like a stalker.
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Pretty much any correspondence or even the thought of it. Or correspondence even if I don't respond back it makes my day more dark. My father contacting me just makes me unhappy because I spent years trying to wean him off of the idea that we had any kind of relationship.
He calls himself dad when he contacts me and it just looks so weird. Like truly in my mind and emotionally I moved away from that concept.
But whatever right.
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I don't even know what to write about. All of the complaining and venting I have done basically hasn't really CHANGED anything. Maybe it has helped me have some kind of perspective but HAS NOT CHANGED ANYTHING.
One of my current roommates is a family therapist. She is so full of crap. She goes to the food bank and gets free food and then she tries to get me to eat it but I don't want it. She says that she spends a lot of money on the crap she tries to give me like she is doing me some kind of favor but she already told me quite a long time ago that she goes to the food bank and the containers have the bar codes crossed out... LOL that is what they do when they don't sell something.
I think it is sad that so many people put faith in those people who are educated or in a position of authority when in the end all they are doing is bull craping the patient and taking their money like charlatans.
"Have you seen a therapist"..... how many times has this phrased been said? I have seen 1o of them, my brother had seen them and he is dead. My mother saw them and my brother even dragged my father to see one. LIKE WHAT FECKING use was it. NOTHING improved.
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UNCOMFORTABLE AND AWKWARD. shrug I have to go take a shower. writing this out feh... I am tired of always WAITING FOR THINGS TO IMPROVE
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Maybe I should not focus on things improving and instead just focus on ... trying to make life more enjoyable?
I'm really grouchy.
My work sucks my living situation sucks. It's tiring.
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This Sunday morning I could not sleep in. My roommate's woke me up even though one of them is always bitching about noise at night and me waking up too early.
So today I discovered she is now doing group therapy out of the living room apparently. Listening to it as I walk by to the kitchen just makes me want to laugh cynically. This therapist who is full of shit herself. LOL Kind of annoys me there is no real living room space here and the dining room is uncomfortable and doesn't get used it's a large table with greasy chairs and linens. Yah I am just bitching but I am just in a pissed off mood right now. Mainly because she pretty much says anything to get people's money and then changes the story later fucking bitch.
She uses a "therapist's voice" it's like a game or something that adults play. It reminds of me children playing make believe.
Why did we ever start thinking therapy was real?
God I need some coffee. Well I got some java and I took a shower. At least I am kind of partly dressed.
I just haven't had enough time to myself recently or time to rejuvenate and it is really making me very very angry I feel like I am going to just start screaming at somebody.
Maybe I need to journal or something and now I have a headache going on. Like I just feel so frustrated and anxious that I can't even think to get my words out.
I have to talk to people all fucking day long AND I have to do chats with them....it's one of those stupid customer service jobs. The manager that was there yesterday is a complete douche bag and even burped right in my face in the past. The customer's should see that if they think THEY are not getting good customer service.
I don't want to do a job where people burp at me and I don't get benefits.
I don't want to have roommates at all any more. My last room mate was okay just one other person. BUT HERE people are always in the way. ALWAYS there is never a time where I have the place to myself EVER. I HATE IT. I HATE THAT THIS IS ALL I CAN AFFORD.
I am too fucking old for this. Half of my co-workers still live with their parents and that is how they can afford to work there. WHEN I started that job I was just like NO WAY is this going to be a long-term gig.
If I had participated in the section 8 low income housing that I qualified for before I WOULD HAVE MY OWN apartment and I would be like a welfare loser BUT I WOULD HAVE MY OWN FUCKING SPACE. I didn't go through all this shit in life to BE HERE.
I DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT IN LIFE TO BE HERE. Truly this statement is what is nagging at me right now.
I am going to take a Tylenol and go catch a fucking bus.
The city gets on my nerves too, smells like exhaust all the time, strip malls, people driving around in their fast cars, this is not really where I belong, this just isn't for me.
I feel hateful and I have to keep it all to myself. Pretend to be nice when I really fucking hate my stupid asshole roommates and my fucking employer. I have been working there 6-7 months and haven't saved diddly squat.
I was reading about the economic recovery after the big drop and that the jobs that were created are paying 50% less than the jobs that existed before IDK. I'm got some fucking co-worker that lives with her parents, she drives a Subaru and she talks about how much money she has in her savings account and crap and I just want to give the bitch a fucking concussion.
I'm sick of helping customers all fucking day long and having them demanding that I have to guarantee they will get something by Christmas when I have absolutely no control over it. I sit behind a computer and all I do is answer the phone and push buttons on my computer, I take payment that is the extent of my reach there. I Hate my job. There is this really obese woman that sits to the right of me and she makes weird comments about me dressing sexy for the managers there. But I never say anything about her. Like what can they all say weird shit all they want and I Can't say shit.
this curser is slow now WHAT THE fUCK I ance even thyep a uckinfg sentence ---------
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Ahhh, Boat. I'm sorry.
Sending you support...
breathe, breaaaaaaaathe...
It will ease.
You deserve some peace, and release.
Do you sing? Maybe a choir would be good.
Like ... the opposite of nerve-wracking interaction with people.
It cuts beneath the surface irritants and brings out something where
we all do connect.
Remember, you are an artist. And a gardener.
And it's winter.
And almost SOLSTICE, which means soon the light and sun
will be back.
What are the options to look for a different house, plan for that?
I'm so sorry this is such a frustrating and painful season.
Season is the word, and seasons do change.
Hang in there, just breathe, breaaaaaaaaaaathe....
love
Hops
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I'm just grouchy and pissy Hops. Feeling claustrophobic. Yeah breathing is good.
Yah Hops new plans. Yes I used to sing, not well but I did do it.
NEW plans
new PLANS
this is a good mantra
I mean years ago I went on a road trip with people and it was fun but after being cooped up with them day and night, night and day, all sleeping together and in camp-ground showers together and eating together..... I was about ready to pull my hair out I would sneak off by myself just to relax. I'm just on guard around people like very aware and uncomfortable of other's presence. I like togetherness but I also need (my place and my space). I get seriously grouchy if I don't have my place and my space always been this way since I was a kid.
And yeah I am a gardener and I have bulbs blooming on my desk at work and orchids and all kinds of pretty cool stuff that makes me happy. Somebody told me that one of my co-workers actually took a photograph of my desk. I like pretty and clean and cheerful, orderly chick places. :) I've got nothing of the sort going on where I live because I feel like I have no real space here and like I don't even want to bother making myself at home. The other night I sat looking at my ceiling light thinking of something I could do with the shade to make the light a little more eyeball friendly during the winter etc and then I started thinking of what I could do to make myself comfortable here.
Just having a pissed off thing going on for me right now. It's just the way things are going. I spent over an hour waiting for a bus that never arrived for some reason and it was raining outside and now I am waiting for that dude to get out of the kitchen who was in the kitchen this morning when I left 5 hours ago. Sigh but now I am here and am going to make coffee and dinner.
I feel like doing some organizing of my room stuff. And I did this a little bit of it at least the bottom of my closet is together.
Seriously why on earth do I post my personal stuff on the internet....I question myself for real this is dumb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjnuIm4_aKM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtOyU1fwQ-M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLSwKPcI6tM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SypUFTnGkZo
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Oooh. Saw a few min of one...painfully funny!
You're an introvert, right? I know lack of privacy and peace
is torture for introverts.
I'm not even an introvert but I would go there on that camping trip too....
I think you are going to keep going forward, and find a better sitch.
I don't have proof, but I believe it.
Hugs
Hops
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I'm awake, not feeling very good, kind of feel like I am getting sick or something idk, having a cup of coffee about to turn my music up loud.
Did not very much today, cooked some potatoes and veggies. Drank a lot of coffee. Sigh. Some days the feeling of waiting for a bus to get on it and then go wherever, have to do this for everyday of work don't want to do it right now.
Watching you tube videos. Was going to go out to the town where I used to live but it's an epic bus trek to do in one day, been thinking about doing it for months.
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Today I got to listen to two guys at work hurl racial insults at each other. But in a work environment where the HR person talks about douches and crack pipes there is not much to be done but try to ignore it. Though I started calling the guy who started the dispute by a feminized version of his name which doesn't help I guess.
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Today it snowed here. Was pretty, woke up to the surprise of seeing it covering everything outside!!! beautiful and now it is melted
and now it's going to rain for the next 8 days straight
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As ever, nature and her beauty go straight to your soul, Boat.
So glad you had that snow.
I keep thinking--Boat = art.
Painting, drawing. Watercolor.
These are small, portable, low-cost things.
Your soul needs beauty, color. You are so creative.
I just think you need to do art. I wish there
were a class. Just a quiet class with a great
teacher, where you'd go and lose yourself
in making beauty once a week. I think it
would heal you a lot.
There. Bossy Hops-Rx-o'-the-day.
Hops who knows unsolicited advice
can be annoying. Please forgive.
love to you,
Hops
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Yah I know. Have not had access to my hobbies recently. It's true. Though it is almost at the pinnacle top of the needs Hierarchy, it falls by the way side, requires tools and space and the sense of justifying time allotted to that activity. But again Yah it's true.
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If it's any consolation, I'm right there in the same mood myself, Bean.
I've wondered a couple times, if it's just this years' version of the "Holiday Crap"? I want to duct tape hubby and put him on the riding mower and push it off the dock. I feel like I'm not allowed to have "me space" whatsoever... and when he keeps insisting on being where I am... I defend myself. I wish I could find a guy he liked to hang out with, and make play dates for him... so I could have some time to declutter, clean, and just hear myself think.
I won't hijack your thread Bean. But it's not just you, OK?
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Spent Christmas alone but not even peacefully "alone".
What I am doing isn't working. Having roommates at my age, especially ones which have hygiene issues.
Did make some nice food for myself however :) that was easy
tomorrow back to work with all my metro-sexual coworkers and probably back to phone calls from irate customers who didn't get their ordered Christmas gifts delivered to them by Christmas because they ordered at the last minute
everything feels pointless when I look at it from some logical perspective
I'm tired of people saying "it will get better" been waiting for it to get better for the last decade + I'm kind of more looking at it from a "what the ferk now" perspective
Feeling claustrophobic need to do something about this.
Have found myself in a continuous pattern of being where I do not want to be and not having a real way to change it
Fundamentally I just need more money, it's not more deep than that, life is pretty simple and shallow
seems like the only point of life is for people to put as much money in the bank as they can and build their own mini empire with homes and vehicles and that is all there is, miniature fiefdoms, how different to think this way compared to how I thought about the world 15 years ago, where there was some kind of significance in "Saving the environment", "ending war", having a cause, "social justice", liberalism, ...... it's said that people tend towards being more politically "conservative" as they age and moving away from liberalism. Where I suppose liberalism has something to do with idealism, conservatism has something more to do with selfishness.
I don't care about my job, don't give a sheet if customers buy stuff or not, it's kind of meaningless
Don't care about the people I know in 3-D, really wish their dramas were remote and far away, :) maybe keep busy busy busy is the key to it all
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"Daughters of madness" book Susan Nathiel
might as well just start a reading list or something
I've noticed that "resilience" is a new buzz word just like co-dependency was a big buzz.
My last therapist used the word resilience on me but it was pointless because all I really want to say to them is "I'm missing out on life" even if I am alive
I don't blame my family at all anymore I am way too old for that and it is all so OLD news by now but it sure as hell hasn't been a pleasant ride
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Lazy day slept till 11:00 PM. Don't want to get on the bus because I wait for the darn thing everyday commuting to work. Found a quicker bus to take though that drops me off closer to work which is good I guess but still lame. My brother's best friend sent me a text yesterday wishing me a Happy Holiday which was nice but I don't know exactly what to think about it not sure if he now feels obligated to keep it touch with me. I almost don't want to write anything about my mother because it all just seems dead and over. She sent me an email telling me she is going out of state to visit my grandmother who is very old by now and she is having my brother's two sons fly over to her which kind of sucks in my opinion having young kids take airplanes by themselves and all because she had me do it my whole childhood and it was when I had the first panic attack that I remember.
Also I don't know why she thinks it's a good thing to make the kids see a shriveled dying old woman that they barely even know. It's kind of creepy. Maybe there is no point in me telling her this because it's already a done deal I just kind of doubt that it's good for the kids it's more like for her sense of "fake family" which she also tried to force and maintain with me. I also think about if I will ever tell my nephews "the truth" but then again maybe they will not ask me or maybe their mother will eventually tell them more. But mostly it is probably best to say nothing about the past and just move forward.
In my own zone I feel very unmotivated to apply for jobs etc. I've not got any specialized skills anymore. Used to make two times the amount of money I am getting now for the 40 hours a week I give them of my life. And then I have to ask myself what part of my life am I giving to myself and I come up with a blank and I know I should do something about this yet I don't really have the energy or a solution at the moment and pretty much I think I have been writing something like this for a while. I was okay when I worked a good job or was taking some kind of classes because I felt like I had some kind of longer term plan now at the moment I do not.
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Awake early today, didn't sleep well unfortunately, because last two days have been feeling under the weather and could have used that extra rest.
Awake, and trying to figure out if this new schedule is going to be any better for me at all or if it's just going to suck.
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So far my new schedule is helping me to not be stepping on the toes of my roommates and vice versa, now I just have to be sure to get enough sleep.
Avoided being screamed at by a customer today who was stating "I don't care what your policies are" or just prolonged the situation, but still cringe ((yay))
I still feel awake too oddly enough :) YAY
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Eh, my roommate is now having a work from home schedule so my plan for the whole shift change doesn't make much of a difference as it turns out.
There is a manager at my job who is flirting with me. Actually tickled me today, yah, I'm not offended, it's entertaining but highly not work appropriate but then again the whole company has ow standards in that regards.
So I am slightly wondering if there is any chance that anything would come of it.
To make it weirder he is a different race, so that adds another layer of haziness of like "how am I suppose to respond to this/interpret this/ are there some kind of special cultural rules" etc.
the manager /co-worker thing is probably the messier part of it
It would make my brain explode if I were to think about it so I am not.
Plus the fact that if he was kind of serious he should just ask out on a date or something. Which the idea of honestly terrifies me.
This has nothing to do with voicelessness. But hey honestly I Can't formulate a single plan in my head about this. Nor do I even know if I should say anything to him about it. Not saying anything is rather passive.
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Yep, today I got teased for blushing by that guy etc.
I haven't responded to this stuff directly.
Not really sure if I want to do anything about it.
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Well he didn't flirt with me at all today. I think maybe he was tired from his weird shift and all.
Heh look at me wanting it to turn into a date or something like that
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Was on a dating site, there was a photo of an older women in some guys pictures who looked a lot like my mother. It makes me think how some part of me still wants to say like:
"I miss you, I wish we could see each other more often"
It's like maybe I miss the façade of who I WANT her to be. I miss like that ideal love-object... not even ideal, just sentient at least.
There is something about Nar people that one could say it's like they are non-sentient. Any whos..
I know I don't miss my mother, but I miss what I could have had in a family still and now I am getting quite old to feel that way. I judge it as baby-ish.
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Heck no, it's not babyish.
Check out the comments with this article: http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/20/a-risk-in-caring-for-abusive-parents/
People right up through middle age and beyond have the same feelings.
You never outgrow a need for love, even when you are forced to look for it elsewhere.
Hops
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tired today, the company I work for does shipments to people, if the stuff arrives broken and is large sometimes we make the customer deal with disposing of the product themselves and it can even cost money
today I had a customer who was going to have to pay $200.00 to dispose of something which was broken, we gave a refund for the cost of the product but then the customer calls and complains to me about have the broken junk sitting around and needing to get rid of it
our business doesn't have a regular way for disposing of these items
one manager offered 20.oo a different manager said the customer was "shit out of luck" the first customer service person who talked to the customer told him to call us back and that is when he got me..... and the previous person never finished that case so now it's sitting on my lap
I get annoyed for as much as my stupid company talks about customer service they do not have a method in place
the customer contacted 2 charities to see if they would take the broken stuff and they would not.
so now I am in the position of giving the customer the run around or ignoring him IDK really what is expected of me in this case
it put me in a really bad mood when I left work as I Was already tired and grumpy.
I took a little bit of a nap, did some laundry.
going to sleep soon, that is all, wishing that I had somebody to talk to but I don't
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Called in sick today, am very tired of my living situation. Since now it has evolved from me sharing the bathroom with one other woman to now 2 men..... this is not what I agreed to.
Last night I was feeling well, like the flu or something IDK
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Since I am home sick I am logging into turbo tax. Reset password, request W2 form from the business that hasn't sent me one yet.
Looking for rentals on Craigslist and it sucks.
Actually I found all 3 copies of my W2's So I think I am almost finished with my taxes now.
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Having chicken soup, feeling depressed that I can not seem to find the kind of rental that I need and that rent is so expensive.
This place where I live now has 6 people living in the house, it's WAY TOO MANY
plus the person organizing it had asked for rent payment to her early because she over spent, meaning the deposits have all been spent by her also
a lot of the decent room rentals are more than half of my salary
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I feel heartsore for you, Boat.
I am so sorry that you are paid so little that you have to live in these circumstances.
It's not right.
I hope hope hope you can find another place to live, with gentle companions.
A little peace.
Hops
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Thanks Hops,
You so often really read what I write.
Often I feel like I shouldn't be venting because it seems like I always have something that I am not happy about.
And now the woman who is organizing this roommate situation is pulled up into the driveway. She doesn't seem to have a real full-time job another point of annoyance which I have discussed with another housemate here. She isn't very focused on work it seems. IDK
I do know that with my previous roommate I didn't vent about that because it was clean and peaceful and we were on the same page about what we wanted I guess.
The current positives are:
Since I called in sick on Saturday and I normally have Monday and Tuesdays off this results in me having a 3 day weekend even if unplanned and feeling sick it was still a good reminder that sometimes I NEED A LITTLE EXTRA time to get my own business done, such as the taxes. YAY
Positives:
I don't have a lease, as soon as I find something else I can leave
I went through my clothes and tossed a handful of items I don't need
I've only called in with being sick once in the past 8 months at my job
Some kind of dental and health insurance is supposed to kick in soon from my employer, it's not great, it has a large deductible and a total limit of benefits which is only like 1,000.
Still I can see what use I can make out of the insurance.
I've done nothing crafty for like a whole year, I might invite one of my co-workers to go to an art museum with me or something. Somebody who keeps pestering me to do stuff.
Going to check about this right now.
I think I am going to organize my stuff a little bit more and then get out of here for the day.
Okay that is done I sent a text to my co-worker asking if he wants to go to an art museum that has received really good reviews and we haven't been to it. Really hope he doesn't think it's a date. I think he will be thankful just for the entertainment of it.
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Finished the last step of the taxes, it is submitted and done now I just wait for the refund to come :)
Feels so good to get something completed.
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Now I am cross-referencing my dental insurance list of preferred providers with YELP reviews. Oh the Joy.
Really not sure that Yelp reviews are reliable.
Not certain what my criteria is
Maybe how soon I can get in to get all of the work done could be a criteria
(speed and efficiency)
(nearness)
(cost?) I'm not certain if most people even get a price list from their dentist. My insurance will only cover part of it so it's going to be relevant.
I know none of this has to do with voicelessness but it's my current event
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You bet it does, imo, Boat...
hard-working people living on the edge of poverty or destitution?
I can't imagine anything much more voiceless than that.
It's GREAT news you're finally going to get a little health care and dental.
Hope them choppers shine...
Hops
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Thanks Hops, yah my progress for today was getting the dental member number via phone call prior to the cards being mailed. Cross that off my list. Baby steps.
I'm feeling very frustrated with trying to figure out my benefits. They don't make it easy and they have one of those crap phone lines that is robotic to call for help. And then one must say representative 5 time before a person answers and then there are transfers so it's already a fail. BUT working through my frustration I have emailed a dentist that I think is covered on the plan to see if we can MAYBE set up an appointment.
I just stress out about everything.
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Not sure if I said so but manager walked up to me and said I was getting my measly test-required raise now on my next paycheck :) Really glad because I had forgot about it. But the prior day I was about ready to stop into somebodies office and have a fit about it.
Also had some guys off of a dating site ask to meet me but I'm too wimpy and afraid to meet them in person... :( Sigh
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The raise turns out to be a little bit more than what I had been expecting. Not a lot more, just a little bit more. :)
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A well-deserved ray of sunshine to you, Boat!
Have you ever done the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University classes? Changed my life.
And they arrange to cover fees for those what needs it, too.
HOO ah!
Hops
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Hoo ahh :)
This guy right here you talking about : http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu
Never have looked into it because 10% of nothing equals nothing. No for real, people have to be making more money than they need to spend in order to save.
I've got zero debt right now, never carried debt etc. accept for a medical bill.
I'm looking Hops, sessing it out on youtube of course http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8nTaXHwauk
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I swear I need my own personal electronic complaint box where I can type up all my frustrations though I think I am too tired to do it now. Feel like maybe it shouldn't be in this thread.
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There were two facebook accounts that I had set up over the years, and never used them really, they only existed so I could log in and stock other people's Facebooks :P
So my email got msgs from one of the accounts but I always treated it like spam and totally ignored it
Tonight I pulled up my emails and saw that it was an old account that my brother had friend requested. Of course I feel a little guilty that I never accepted it.
I accepted it and looked at his facebook account. I posted a photo of him and me when we were kids on his facebook page.
Feels like a time warp like I am 3 yrs old and 10 yrs old and 20 years old and 100 years old all at the same time.
Not sure what I am trying to say here. I'm not stuck on it, I don't think about it constantly but I never really got to talk to anybody about it.
I texted his best friend occasionally IDK
I feel like I never got to talk it out enough or something. I also still have no contact with my nephews which maybe doesn't matter to anybody I don't know.
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I'm so glad you found that FB account.
I hope you'll meet with your brother's friend sometime.
I can't think why this isn't an excellent place to wail, kvetch, grieve,
and verbalize anything at all.
And I get it -- 10% of nothing. He is very motivating, though.
Might be other/additional ways to earn money that would start
you up and onward. You can always go watch the videos (that's
how they start the classes...and they're really good, psychologically.)
I am not anything like Dave Ramsey politically or religiously,
but for some reason, I found he REALLY motivated me about $$.
Good luck and of course you're still grieving...ever checked out
going to a bereavement group? Exactly what they're for.
Hops
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(hi Hops)
It snowed here last night between me commuting home and then a couple hours later opened the door and there was a fresh layer of snow on the roofs, trees, and shrubs.
On of my roommates from Arizona just zoomed off in his car to get groceries. I hope he knows to go slow and not slam on the brakes etc.
I had a log of goat cheese in the fridge so that is my breakfast :P
I'm still waking up having my first cup of coffee.
Last night one of my co-workers that I had hoped we could just be friends told me he was attracted to me via email. (not the manager, a different person)
Sigh. I literally told him : "Dude, you are in my friendzone"........ because hey he needed a direct answer so I figured that was direct.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE
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Today is my day off of work because I work on Saturdays. Yep I get to have days off. This morning around 9 AM my roommate decided that she would knock on the door to my room and try to open the door for some hard to comprehend reason. I was awake but still laying in bed and obviously not dressed nor ready to contemplate her bizarre plans for disturbing me.
It obviously is not an emergency the house is not burning down. Why she doesn't go to work until after 8 AM and arrives home before 5 PM yet has massive financial needs and debts.... really doesn't make sense to myself and my other roommate who doubt that she has any job at all. Why she decides that for some reason she needs to get inside of my room also is not comprehensible.
Luckily I had stuff in front of the door. :) See I am not so paranoid after all.
I'm beyond annoyed and uncomfortable. I'm really too old to live like this. It always just seems like some kind of f'ed up problem.
Sigh.
Okay what is that saying "STAY CALM AND CARRY ON" Clearly I need to keep on moving on moving on moving on etc. etc.
I'm so aware of this city time clock feeling of hurry hurry hurry, anxiety and I wish I had more real motivation to get stuff done that I need to do.
-
:) Today I set up a physical exam appointment in a couple of weeks. Also dermatologist appointment because I had been diagnosed with skin cancer a few years ago... and tentatively a dental appointment for March. :)
I feel sort of relieved that I can actually do this stuff now. Sigh. Wish it was all happening quicker but at least it is happening. Not being able to get proper health care etc has been bothering me.
I still need to review the details and make sure I understand my insurance. (It's not great but at least it gets my foot in the door) Thank goodness. I feel better about this.
-
Had to bring up the issue with the lead-roommate who is the "therapist" and subleasing the 4 rooms in the house that she rents.
She walked into my room in the morning on my day off of work. I was still in bed not fully awake and undressed.
Not happy. This would only be okay if it was something worthy of being woken up for (emergency, or pre-discussed situation)
She has serious boundary problems and my boundaries when violated = high anxiety.
So I was cooking a hamburger and I explained to her that I'm not okay with her coming into my room I told her I wasn't dressed etc. etc.
She actually got sarcastic with me about it. She is a licensed mental health therapist. Same person who said that her mother and grand-mother were bi-polar. She also is sharing the same room as her 18 year old son lives in now .....WTF.
The reason why she decided to come into my room was because one of the dogs was "out"..... something which happens regularly. She could have left a paper note in the kitchen I would have seen it when I woke up. The dogs are not exactly well cared for anyhow. The "things" aka pets don't get regular walks, maybe they get taken out on an excursion every one to two weeks. Her dogs, her problem. I was pissed.
So that was uncomfortable. But apparently she also did the same thing to my other roommate because she thought "she heard her alarm clock going off".... which wasn't happening.
Any whoop. At the library at the moment. Moving forward.
-
I have moved so many times that I am finding it very difficult to find the motivation to do this again. Moving stressed me out every time.
It's the unknowns, the process of knowing that it's always a gamble. Though often one can kind of get a read on the situation. I knew when I moved into this current place I was never going to be happy here.
Heck life is a gamble
Relationships are a gamble.
Some seem to gamble less and just get it RIGHT more often though.
-
At Work:
In office, in packed together cubicles.
There is this guy who today and I was getting distracted by his conversation. Heard "Raunchy" "STD's"... and "Dryness".... etc. etc. Then as the day progressed he kept on talking about how he was questioned by police for a report of assault because he pushed some woman sounds like a prior girlfriend or his ex wife I have no idea.. I guess this is what Valentine's day brings out in this guy...
Any who I sat there thinking, Okay ignore, ignore, ignore... But I'm at my desk, and he is at his desk... and you know I feel like I'm not in a work place when I hear this kind of stuff.... So I sent an email to one of my managers asking if they can re-broadcast an email to people asking for toned down a work appropriate conversations.. This has already been done before and I didn't prompt it that time.
It's a call center and customer's have complained about what things they hear on the telephone.
So I got called into an office with the human resource person who I am intimidated by LOL and the head department manager and they ask me who specifically was saying this stuff and I told them what dude it was.
Sigh, I Should probably just try to be classy and calm about it. I always get stressed out like I am going to be punished for saying something.
I was sitting there wondering why nobody else around that area says anything about the situation.
I feel like a 6 year old who is being told by their grandmother to go stand in the corner.
I even left work today wondering if I would be terminated IDK.
Shrug. It is what it is.
-
Life feels like a pressure cooker sometimes LOL
I woke up this morning at 4 AM with a nightmare... that one of my co-worker's relatives was spitting up blood and laying in a parking lot and we were standing there helplessly waiting for the ambulance to come.
I think it's because I now have a male roommate that gets off of work at about 1 AM or something like that.. and then come in a while later. IDK what is going on with me but my sleep is screwed up recently going through find-new-room-mates..... figure-out-insurance-- budget budget budget... the regular anxieties.
I Stress out about everything.
-
:) My co-worker was nice enough to take me to look at a couple of places tonight. (a condo and a house)
-
Just feeling loneliness tonight, having soup, had an okay day at work
Thought I had found a rental that would work out but I got cold feet due to lack of details etc.
-
I hate that alone-really-ALONE feeling. Hope it passes soon, Boat.
I will try conjuring up a peaceful, pleasant, clear, uncomplicated roomie sitch for you.
Let's test my feeble mental powers.
hugs
Hops
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yah I feel slightly better sort of, :) not quite as lonely exactly
-
Kind of just another day of feeling lonely.
Been raining all day, really ALL day.
Gonna have some cinnamon tea and take a shower and sleep maybe.
-
I hope you find somewhere nice soon, both in your mind and your home. We all need a sanctuary.
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I wish you had a good, good buddy, Boat.
A couple of them. Life saving.
Isolation SUCKS. Hie thee to art class?
Go out for soup before class?
Join a walking Meetup?
hugs
Hops
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Oh Thanks Two and Hops :)
8)
-
Just got off of work, got home. Haven't really done any thorough journaling here. Really wish I could write a bit, just get it out and get perspective if such a thing even exists any longer.
Probably I should bother writing this. I've been feeling lonely, feel too old to still live the way I have been with roommates, not that there is an age limit on that but still. One of the women I live with is older than me like in her 70's and she spends a lot of time with horses, equestrian type. Spunky.
So I guess I start to feel as if I am not anonymous on here. IDK
There are a couple of guys I have been messaging off of a dating site. I feel that I need to grow the ferk up because I don't have the confidence or guts to date people. In my head there are so many excuses that I come up with, I shoot myself down before anything even has a chance.
The two guys are too far away. Only one of the two seems like it could be sort of an okay thing.
Truth is I don't even know what to look for, I mean I have an inkling about some basics and such.
So yesterday I had a doctor's check up, since the insurance kicked in I figured I would go get a physical, it was pretty in and out and uneventful, maybe I should have seen somebody else because the doctor seemed like she was just trying to get me in and out the door. Then again maybe nothing major is going on with me.
The internet dating this is kind of sketchy etc. And since the two people don't meet in person first there is a lot of wiggle room for miss-perception I guess.
Soooooooo..... I guess that is something I wish I could do is stop being single. I think that since over the past few years that I have been on this board and my understanding of my family situation has evolved I don't have a fake feeling of family. I feel alone.
So there.
I'm rather pitiful too when the thought of meeting somebody comes up. Had 3 guys ask to meet me in person but it's just that I am terrified.
maybe more later
And I'm tired of looking at dude's profiles there are so many, I need to get past this, I really do. I need to grow the hell up.
-
You are NOT "not grown up."
You have been through hell and back, and you're a bit shy, and you're an artist, and you've had huge losses...
and you can just take your sweet time, and take some wee risks (meeting the sweet ones, JUST for coffee -- when you just wake up one day and really want to and not one second before...)
And read A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.
And breathe.
You're not going to be lonely forever, Bones. I bet it on a stack of something.
love,
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
Having Salad and Chick soup. Doing laundry yadayadayada.
Looking through on-line dating sites reminds me of when a person clicks through a whole bunch of television channels and still doesn't find something to watch. Kind of a sign that something entirely different has to happen.
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Was a busy day at work, no "bored time". Some people say they get bored at this job, I have been so busy the past week. I think I should probably go back to sitting next to somebody who jabbers non-stop like I used to because the less work I do the less work there is.
Conversely the more work I do the more work there is.
Not having any progress on the dating site front... oh well.
Got a annual "bonus" at work : $50.00 LOL big whoop.
Today I realized that since my work schedule has been changed on me.. that I will only have a one day weekend :( booooooooooooo and now I have to work on the day I had scheduled a dental appointment.... Boooooooooooo
Sigh.
-
There is a new guy at work kind of quiet, I think he might kind of like me or something IDK, maybe I should try to talk to him. I shall at least pay attention to his name because I have no idea what his name is, I am very tunnel visional. Not even sure what visional means but it sounds okay.
-
Customer ordered something in November. Was out of stock. Finally shipped in Feb.
Cost was aprox. 1,000.oo
Snafu with shipment and transportation caused the product to be shipped back to the warehouse of origin.
It was at the local station meaning ready to be delivered to customer when our transport people cancelled the order.
Instead of us(retailer) calling the customer... the customer got a phone call from the drivers saying it was cancelled.
Our transport department calls shipper(drivers) and cancels. Customer calls us wondering what is going on...I Send a msg to my transportation dept... Can not get a response from my own transport dept and am unauthorized to tell them to deliver to customer. Our transport dept thought for some reason that 2 were accidentally being shipped to customer and that customer already got one. I talked to customer and the customer got NONE. Everything that I can look up tells me only ONE ever shipped, I call driver, they only have one.
Customer waited patiently. Paid for it, had their money held up for months while waiting for it to be back in stock.
I contacted our transport people and a manager 4-5 times because I am lowly and don't have tools to do squat... say we have to get this delivered to customer who still wants it instead of it being turned around back to point of origin. NO RESPONSE from my own company... to MYSELF... yep we can not talk to our own departments.
So I tell a manager where I Work that we have to get a communication to our transport people and give the customer some kind of compensation. He refuses... I get pissed off at him . Customer gets pissed off hangs up on me.
Customer calls back demands to talk to a different manager who then gives customer a credit...to keep the order and wait for us to get our act together. ...
My department lead tells me that it's not about the fastest resolution, it's about "customer service"...... WTF WTF WTF
Customer wants a refund.... we will not give her one because the item is still in transit and my company already paid freight to get it out to her...
NO fault to the customer.. she didn't change her mind after it was shipped SHE WANTED IT. She was reasonable and patient. My company was F;ing incompetent.
____________
Whole bunch of changes were made to our data base/website system...
Our case system for flagging orders isn't working. Instead of a link to a case form coming up.. it links to an email form.
So I told our computer people... this is linking to email instead it should link to a form to start a case..
The response I get from our computer people... "this button doesn't actually allow you to send out emails"
My response... "hmmmm.... but we use cases to track issues" WTF the point is we can't make any new cases BECAUSE THE CASE FORM is not accessible now. Been broken for days.
Was working on a 8,000.oo-10,000.oo sale at the end of my shift...but since I am hourly am required to clock out.. can not stay and finish the quote.
I'm about ready to walk down to the store and buy some beer. berrrrrrrr
-
Just too tired
-
It's really maddening to work for a crappy business.
Especially as smart and creative as you are, Boat.
Hang in there,
Hops
-
There is a therapy session going on behind my back. My back which is propped up against the wall in my small room.
The roommate decided to turn the room next to me into her office so that she doesn't have to pay money for a legit office space. She lives in the living room with her 18 or 19 year old son. Bed side by side.
I feel like a mouse that can't move. I want to take a shower, my room is a mess, I need to move stuff around and clean. I didn't know this was the day her client was coming in.
LOL, ..... it amazes me that anybody would pay her for therapeutic counseling. I guess people just want to feel like they have (guidance) and (not alone) and that somebody else (knows better)....
This evening is something that might as well be scrapped. Oh wells.
-
Bleh, I come here and complain. Bout it.
.... "This is your life"...... that is what she is saying to her client.... I feel like this breaches client-therapist confidentiality because I can hear every thing they say.
I don't know if these clients might be out of their minds or just average people IDK.
It's a man getting therapy for some kind of relationship issue with a female in his like, I think his mother. I was trying not to pay attention.
I guess she can't do this on the weekend so she has to do it between 8-9 PM on a week night.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I have been spending time on dating sites. Wasting guy's time. Because I am too chicken to meet them in person, I figure the chances of it working out is about like finding roommates on Craigslist but at least I don't have to screw my roommates.
-
Wanted to write though all the things I have to speak about are mundane types of things. So wrote and then erased the writing.
Wish it was okay to have a mundane outlet that I could speak even if what I have to speak about isn't impressive to anybody.
Yah. Had dinner, having a beer will jump into the shower and sleep.
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Aha! I humbly submit my confidence that I can help you with this dilemma!
I, Hops, Queen of the Universe, Hereby Decree that the Personage Known as Boat That Rocks, Green Bean, Garbanzo, and I Forget, Doth Have My Imperial Permission to Wax at Any Length of Her Own Choosing Upon Matters Great, Small, Mighty, or Miniscule, of Whatever Importance or Lack Thereof is Meet in the Judgment of the Forenamed BoatBeanGarbanzoIForget, Etcetera....
I think there are other Queens and Kings o' Universe hereabouts...I believe I've met them in my Potentates Anonymous meetings, so do hope they'll also chime in....
xo
Hops
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:D Hops
You're so funny.. !
-
Lonely and in pain from a BAD and rare hang-over. + some varicose vein type issues in my legs....ouch Alcohol is not good for this.
Now eating too much cod liver oil for some inexplicable reason... Time to just take a shower and go to sleep for heaven's sake.
-
Step
away
from
the
beer
...and have no hangover tomorrow!
xo
Hops
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DOWN: My mother sent me an email saying that if I don't respond to her she worries, but of course this is only after she completed a long vacation NOW that her vacation is over she requires a response from me.
I almost wrote "Thanks, I don't need it. Why worry at this point (brother's name) is dead.
The I censor myself thinking well maybe this isn't mature... Bleh
UP: High light of my day was buying my co-worker a giant Easter egg and then filling it with Black Jelly beans because she told me she liked them. Though I am not sure if this was really much of a gift. It was her Birthday. At first I thought she didn't like me when I first worked there she gave me weird looks. Then we sat next to each other and started talking, then we got moved apart then the new seating chart put us back together now she talks my ear off... I think we might be sort of friends IDK she is just a talker I think. But it's nice sitting next to her. She told me that it was the high light of her day... didn't dawn on me that anything I would do would be the highlight of somebodies day :)
DOWN: My crazy roommate offhandedly told me some dude is moving in this weekend by the way... and she is going to be out of state when this happens.. I feel uncertain about her like... hum is she coming back? And I think she smelled like marijuana unless it was her food, not that it's a big deal, it's really not but still... Its a weeknight. :( GROUCHY I so need a home.
-
Just a question to myself: "Do you ever ask yourself WHO is really running the show here, being the SHOW which is my life) I am
-
Yes, you are.
And anyone cool enough to do the black jelly beans gift...has a lot of promise ahead.
I hope you seize the reins and take yourself seriously and take yourself to every
resource--including education or more education--that you can find.
You can build something, Boat. I am absolutely certain of it.
You can build a life.
If you'll dive deep inside yourself for that purpose, and commit yourself to
step by step, creating a life. Small step by small step...
I will be here in 5 years, or 10, absolutely thrilled by what you've done.
xo
Hops
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@ Hops :P
-
Garbanzo,
You are awesome. I love your posts. Black jelly beans are so unique and thoughtful. There must be a better living situation. Almost anything would be better. A strange guy moving in and she just drops it on you. This is pretty crackers of her.
I totally agree with Hops that you have untapped potential. Your mom continues to yank your chain that is for sure.
I am sorry for the loss of your brother. It has been a lonely road. I know it has been for me but it is ok now. Coming here helped to take me to another reality where I can let people in and keep bad people out.
Lots of love to you Garbanzo.
Sea
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@ Sea & Hopster... Thanks guys 8)
Do what makes yourself happy. :)
This is something worth pondering for a few minutes each day...
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some guy on a dating site has asked me to go on a cruise with him, I haven't even met him in person... kind of nutz dating stresses me out I swear I can't handle it, it's all like cause for a total neurotic, anxious meltdown. yeppers that is the truth of me
-
it's 5:30 AM here, I am up early for a doctor's appointment that I made over a month ago, I should be happy to be getting this done, and in fact I am trying to psyche myself up for this.
having coffee, a nice morning to myself the first in MONTHS
I did a whole day shift swap with somebody else....since my appointment is so early it might allow me time to go to art museums afterwards!!!!! YAY or at least go buy some yarn or something like that :)
not very much sleep, this is something I will need to work on soon, I think the almost? full moon shining into my window woke me up because I remember opening my eyes this morning and looking at the moon's glare thinking bejeezus that thing is intense today
Looking at the google page for today and how it is Irish themed for the Holiday and I am wondering to myself if this holiday is somehow not politically correct because it celebrates the history of white immigrants rather than current immigrants which mostly seem to be coming from India/Asian/Mid East countries.... Sigh oh well whatevers this is probably not a politically correct thought just that it occurs to me that some people have a problem with this holiday just as there is somebody somewhere that has a problem with anything not centered around themselves :P Oh well
Back to my coffee and cleaning and bus trip planning. Luckily I only have to take one bus !!!!!!!
-
On Monday I went to a Dermatologist appointment for a check up, haven't had one in years and had surgery for skin cancer a few years back so needed to get checked. Did that. Major thing off my list as it was important to me to get caught up on all the medical stuff I couldn't do while I was going through my shiitttt.
When I went to the doc's appointment up side is afterwards I went to a art museum yay. Down side is my brother managed an apartment building in that area and I remembered the times that I went and visited him there when he was living at that location. Of course I hadn't even anticipated this. Someways my life is fake because I know I have grieved like a real person gets to, I've grieved like I don't know what but it sucks. carry on carry on, work on work on.. while life dwindles away.
going to wash dishes and make some chamomile tea for bed time.
____________________
Dating, I don't. I spend time chatting on a dating site with guys but I don't have the guts to meet them in person or even the vehicle to make it easier to do so etc. Shrug. Hell forbid that I would date somebody like my mother right? I am so tired right now and I can not "blame" everything on my mother.
I should just sleep.
-
I am so glad you got to an art museum.
I hope even with the dreariness, once you get moved to a mellower
place there will be time and a little space for a little art in your life.
I'm sorry another wave of grief for your brother hit you today. Maybe
one day you'll paint about it. Paint something for him, about him. If it's
like poetry, I found that the greatest grief was released from me into
the poem. It was a massive relief.
I'm going to see about whether I have a small skin cancer this morning,
coincidentally. I think it is. It's on my nose. Hope they can "shave" it down
with the MOHS thing. It's so common for pale people in their 60s who grew
up without sunscreen and plenty of burns. Ugh. We'll see.
About dating...you're lonely, why wouldn't you want to meet somebody?
I wish there were some simple 3-D way. Art class. A choir. A small volunteer
activity. All three. Exhausting, but being present with people repeatedly is
the only way to get to know them. (For me, that was a revelation.)
Hugs
Hops
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Hiya Hops, hope it goes well for you.At the moment my eyelids are already sleeping on me.. will have to catch up with ya soon.
Yeah the if they do the MOHs thing it can take a while for it to heal and go back to looking like normal. Sort of a process. :(
-
Sunday: Hung out with a co-worker for the first time today with this particular person.
I showed him a brochure of an art thing I went to and then he decided he wanted me to go do something with him so today we went to an art museum and also a greenhouse that he had never been to and then out to lunch.
We almost rear-ended somebody on the freeway, I mean really close call... because the traffic in front of us had stopped and we were going too fast.. I really want more friends but I am thinking it's not safe to get into a car with him. He texts constantly while driving and drives too fast.
It was nice to get out but it wasn't relaxing it was more like a jolt to my system. Next he wants to go to the zoo... and I want to go with him but don't want to die. I might say that we just don't get on the freeway.
He has ADD and he is a gay guy but he is pretty nice and it was good just to have somebody to talk to and we exchanged some stories about ourselves to each other. He told me that all his friends are "ADD" and that he thinks we are on two different levels but he said it was nice to hang out with me so I guess it was okay IDK
So that is what is up with that.
So tired though, neighbors are pressure washing their car and it's loud and the roommate started playing loud music at 8 AM this morning.
Just finished a conversation asking roommate to flush the toilet and she tried to say the toilet is broken... yet I have no problem flushing it myself.
-
Sometimes I just feel like I am going to have a total freaking melt down I swear.
-
I may have found a place that I can walk to work from. I looked at it today don't love it, is expensive but at least it might be more sane IDK.
-
Feeling lonely and stressed out. I think I left my cell phone at work... ferk it never did that before.
-
Tonight I need to pack though I want to sleep.
-
Woke up at 5 AM, set the alarm, early. is pouring outside, am packed for the most part everything is ready to go. Had yoghurt and a cup of coffee. Breathe... transition... change.. embrace change :)
Try, Try and Try again.
-
I am so glad you're getting out of this house, and by the time you read this,
you'll be in the new one.
I am so glad.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
And make space for ART.
It's also extremely cool on a lot of levels that you can walk to work.
Health, nature, feeling your body before and after a day in a cubicle...
Strength, wellness. Wishing it all for you Boat.
Hops
-
Thanks Hops, there is not a lot of health and nature in the near vicinity though, it is more just traffic and strip malls. My aim was for some temporary peacefulness.
I get kind of attached to the concept of place, even if I don't like the actual PLACE/SPACE I almost always feel sad/depressed when I move.
Yep, moved, didn't sleep well at all last night, I will give it a few weeks try and see how it goes. This new place is shared, sort of odd also but fewer people (3). It is however way over priced.
Was hella dusty so cleaned a lot yesterday not something I was looking forward to and woke up with puffy eyes, I hope this doesn't happen every morning.
I am refraining from buying lots of decorative items. Got a sage and off white striped bath mat that is all at the moment.
Next on my list: Dentist.
-
I feel unsettled and worried. Hopefully that will resolve itself mildly and peacefully. My anxiety getting the better of me I guess.
-
I am tired that is all folks
-
Of course you're tired...
How does your new room feel, is it getting a touch more familiar?
Hops
-
Shrug, enough about me for the moment How are you Hops?
-
I'm tired too, haven't been sleeping well.
Work's been going well since I kind of got furious enough to "take it back."
Cleaned my office space to a faretheewell, brought in flowers, put my head
down and starting cranking out more work than usual. Makes it go faster.
Even wrote a short intro to my "memoir" about the place...
Tomorrow I head south for a big trade show for four days.
Painful because each time I go, I pass right through my daughter's town.
But I'll be okay. And I do like getting away.
(I had a guy I've never met but online ask me to go on a trip, too!)
So weird. How about, uhhh, a cup of coffee first?
Some of these gentlemen seemed a bit cranked up...
hugs
Hops
-
I am tired that is all folks
G I'm glad you've got yourself a new place and hope that it settles for you and is a bit more comfy than some of your previous ones have been xx
-
Today was talking to my co-worker ---- (The last posting from your IP was less than 60 seconds ago. Please try again later. and.... You already submitted this post! You might have accidently double clicked, or tried to refresh. ) Blehhhhhh
Okay...
So Today was talking to my co-worker....
She told me how she was taking time off of work and going to Atlanta Georgia, so I was like: "Oh cool!!, you should go to the Aquarium, I think it might be the biggest in the USA (unconfirmed lol)" .... then she said.. "oh... I won't have time for that, we are immediately driving to Alabama to go visit my mother it's her birthday".... (I knew from a prior convo that she didn't have the best relationship with her mother)
So I said: "oh really?... I thought you didn't get on with her all that well ."... Well she doesn't
Apparently my co-worker bought a house for her mother because she was driving around living in a station wagon with my co-worker's dog... and then was living in a mobile home infested with rats or mice.. so out of some kind of guilt? (She calls in conscious) BOUGHT HER MOTHER A HOUSE. And she sold her own house and moved into an apartment....
I told her to tell her two sisters that she has Diarrhea and then skip out of the mother's birthday party and go play in Atlanta as vacation... She won't have time to do this and apparently she has to check on the house because her mother has burnt down 3 prior houses... yah she says her mother set 3 houses on fire. One time she went on vacation and left all the appliances on, another time she left the iron on... IDK... for real.. wow..
So that is the story that unfolded between me and my co-worker today and all I can think is how common strife is in family... but the fact that she bought her a house amazes me.
---------------
Yesterday one of the manager's told me that her mother calls her and says that she regrets the day she was born... who knows what that is about....
Not sure what my point is only that sometimes it seems like people just are not meant to get along in this world.
-
I am tired that is all folks
G I'm glad you've got yourself a new place and hope that it settles for you and is a bit more comfy than some of your previous ones have been xx
8)
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I'm tired too, haven't been sleeping well.
Work's been going well since I kind of got furious enough to "take it back."
Cleaned my office space to a faretheewell, brought in flowers, put my head
down and starting cranking out more work than usual. Makes it go faster.
Even wrote a short intro to my "memoir" about the place...
Tomorrow I head south for a big trade show for four days.
Painful because each time I go, I pass right through my daughter's town.
But I'll be okay. And I do like getting away.
(I had a guy I've never met but online ask me to go on a trip, too!)
So weird. How about, uhhh, a cup of coffee first?
Some of these gentlemen seemed a bit cranked up...
hugs
Hops
Sometimes a little bit of clearing and cleaning a space and a vase of flower helps!!!! :) Good that you had a phase of momentum.
I am just going to keep on making changes in my life until something really works out or until I get myself into another pickle.
Yah you got to be careful with dating sites.. some of them may not be in their right mind. For me I still don't have the guts to meet them in person. Serious social anxiety but also I prefer my own company a lot of the time IDK..
-
I requested some time off of work, don't know if I will get it but I did ask for it. Just a few days before and after my B-day
Will probably hang with my Gay co-worker dude again on Sunday
-
7:30 Here west coast time, Bob Marley on the Starbucks speaker system. With my laptop, couldn't sleep well at all last night, asthma and allergy acting up, woke up 3-4 times. Over taking steroid inhalers which is probably not recommended and generic Benadryl . And they charge about $200.00 for a little thing that fits in the palm of my hand, just glad my insurance is working. My Birthday was entered in wrong by the insurance company.
I'm always feeling self conscious about complaining too much but hey, life is about tweaking things until we get it right.
I've got no idea what else to write about this morning. I know there are probably tasks that I SHOULD do.
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I haven't seen my mother since my brother died. I texted her: "You never ask me if I'm okay"...... She responds: " I assumed if something was really wrong you would tell me. Hard to know by texting"
Of course that isn't the whole string of back and forths.
but it is a fact, I don't ever recall her saying "are you okay?" ever.
I know old old story. But I still have to deposit it somewhere. Maybe I can engrave something dreadful in her memory if she has a spot in her husband's cemetery plot or something. Hum... I know it's pointless but I wish it was just carved in stone somewhere how lame she has been to me.
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I'm sorry, Boat...
your mother just doesn't get how unloved you feel.
Breaks my heart.
Just for contrast, I yearn to be welcome to ask my D, are you okay?
She won't answer, not even text. I do not exist. 3 years now. Painful...
Anyway, enough of that one.
My job for that is to re-re-re-re-release it so I don't go around devastated 24/7.
hugs
Hops
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Today I called in sick to work. Only the 2nd time in like 10 months. Though I feel like I could lose my job over it. I have some PTO that will cover it but still, it is sunny outside so I figure maybe they think I am skipping out.
I called in sick to try and take care of some personal problems that I don't want to explain here because you more or less kind of know about it already.
It's just that I feel like I just want to cry. Like an exasperated : "hully-ferk" What NOW!? What ferking now god?
This morning I called the sick line and went back to sleep for 2 more hours because I have been feeling exhaustion for a long time now. And then when I woke up I had to deal with the situation at hand.
Now I am drinking a cup of coffee. I just have this over-all feeling in life like I am just not doing it right. Not living right. Like even when I plan and do my best something happens but I guess all I can do is keep moving forward. I just had an unexpected $2,000.00 expenditure... It's just painful in more than one way. I know it's only money but it kind of wipes out my savings from this crumby job. Savings that I had because I live a pretty dull and frugal life trying to save something so I can DO SOMETHING....
Oh well.....
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That would make me cry too, Boat.
$2000 is brutal, when you've scraped so hard and been so careful.
I am REALLY sorry.
And I REALLY hope you won't despair for long.
You saved it once. You truly can save it again.
You are stronger than you know.
And it is good to cry. An excellent and healing
and alive thing to do. It is good you can feel.
And spring is still here.
Love and comfort,
Hops
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Yah, Thanks Hops. I come here and just put stuff. Lots of it is kind of "bad". I don't really have anybody that I talk to though about my life in 3-D. I will come back to this in a second...
But yah, I kind of caught myself because I kind of go into a despair type of feeling. But now it's more like "at least I am okay"... is what my second thought goes to. Not to let any one thing devastate me. Anyways I am not articulating well, I have a long too do list for this evening's chores and tasks and I will frantically start now and see what I can accomplish in the next 60 minutes. My goal is to accomplish 50% of what I need to do in 60 minutes starting NOW. (KE-pew) race starts
And I got about 50% done in 2 hours time. Sigh. But enough is enough.
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Today I called in sick to work. Only the 2nd time in like 10 months. Though I feel like I could lose my job over it. I have some PTO that will cover it but still, it is sunny outside so I figure maybe they think I am skipping out.
I called in sick to try and take care of some personal problems that I don't want to explain here because you more or less kind of know about it already.
It's just that I feel like I just want to cry. Like an exasperated : "hully-ferk" What NOW!? What ferking now god?
This morning I called the sick line and went back to sleep for 2 more hours because I have been feeling exhaustion for a long time now. And then when I woke up I had to deal with the situation at hand.
Now I am drinking a cup of coffee. I just have this over-all feeling in life like I am just not doing it right. Not living right. Like even when I plan and do my best something happens but I guess all I can do is keep moving forward. I just had an unexpected $2,000.00 expenditure... It's just painful in more than one way. I know it's only money but it kind of wipes out my savings from this crumby job. Savings that I had because I live a pretty dull and frugal life trying to save something so I can DO SOMETHING....
Oh well.....
Gosh, G, I can identify with all of this so much - the endless slogging, the endless trying, that feeling like you're constantly swimming against the tide - and then one thing comes along and you've got to start all over again. It's tough. I don't know what the answer is. I am finding life is getting easier for me. Hopefully it will for you, too.
Completely understand re your mum not bothering to ask if you're okay. My whole family are very self centred. They just can't seem to have anyone else in their head space (unless they want something from them). I'm sort of the opposite, I've had to work at thinking about myself at all because I always thought about everyone else. It's hard. Again, no answers. Only keep chipping away at it, like you do. It's good to take a duvet day once in a while. I think the emotional stuff can wear us out more than we realise.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that your next lot of savings can go on something wonderful for you instead of something dull and mundane :)
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Yah, hiya two 8) , I just got back onto internet service here
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I am probably going to take a hot shower and go to sleep soon. Wish I had more uumph to type.
Today I thought I was going to get fired from my job that is a revolving door. But they didn't fire me today, possibly they were too busy to do so IDK.
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Or maybe it really is okay for a hardworking person to take a sick day occasionally?
Hope things flow on and jettisoning you isn't even on their radar....
Happy Duvet Day (great expression!)
Hops
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:) hiya Hops, yah I wasn't fired today so for not I am still employed.
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I had a productive day at work I think. Right now I am just tired, sad and lonely now that I am at home but whatever. Eating garlic take out stuff. Gonna crash into bed.
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Hi Garb and Hops,
I've missed your posts and it sounds like quite the similarities, or at least an understanding between you two. I have been a recluse!
G. I like garlic takeout stuff!
G. I am glad you were not fired!
H. Sick days are okay. I agree!
G. I have my housekeeper and my therapist as good chit-chat partners! Love it I think I have my best friend (therapist) from the 5 years ago accident and E. (housekeeper) from one year ago, than from say, Grade One.
Another post of mine tonight talks about my new $7,000 battery chair....but now "who pays for it?"
talk later
xx
Izzy
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Spring..
Just heard a thud in the backyard. Went out there squirrels on the ground. Mama squirrel came and got them, they fell a heck of a long way down.
Trying to clean out my clothing it is hard. I Don't want to throw stuff away. Sigh.
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My gay aka bi-sexual co-worker/manager... errrr.... put the "moves" on me yesterday night at the movies. Sigh. He is in the closet gay. Still hasn't told his parents, poor guy. Poor me lol. Well the day is coming to an end so I should prepare for bed and let tomorrow be a new day.
I am now thinking of pulling a pink skirt out of the garbage can outside... Maybe I shouldn't.
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Bought more clothes, and they mostly look like old clothes LOL being that the style is for things to be worn-in looking. Oh well. Cotton Chinos and cotton tees. It's Monday, my manager put on her calendar that she is going to review me in October... either she is really really reAlly building up to a chaaa-BANG of a review fest... or she is just planning. OR she hopes she doesn't have to talk to me before I get fired... Or she plans on keeping me around IDK what it means oh wells. Maybe it doesn't mean anything
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Jut planning, I'd bet.
If there were a problem, imo you'd have a hint by now.
Sounds to me like you've been working hard and being consistently professional about it,
despite the limits of the job.
It's probably just part of her job to review everybody.
And if there were an issue, you'd have received a warning or something, right?
The fact that it's not until October also seems very positive. (No sense of urgency.)
Routine biz stuff. Always nerve-wracking for the reviewee, but I'll bet you're
one of her most solid employees.
Hops
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Hoya Hops. What is going on with you over yonder?
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Listening to music. Thinking of dark stuff and how my employer owns my sad stunted arse. I want a portable music playing thingy / walk-man type thingy... whatever the modern version of such a thing is.
I don't feel much these days... ya know.. just tired. Trying to make some chump change sales. Don't think I closed one sale today.. In fact I think I may have talked somebody out of buying something idk.
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Sorry you had a dark day, Boat.
I've been there...a thankless job is just that,
so we've got to find ways to thank ourselves,
thank life, thank spring, thank birds, just
thank whatever the hell we can thank to
keep ourselves going with enough guts
to get through another thankless 8 and
RECLAIM THE REST.
I'm okay. This month is both beautiful and
tough, because my bday comes and no word
from my only child. Still staggers me but I
get up again and...so it goes.
Chin up old thing,
Hops
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Hops: Aries or Taurus?
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Yah, I try to make myself decent dinners, it is the one little thing I try to do for myself even if it just means an organic hot dog lol :P
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Taurus.
Hey Boat,
Do you have any space at all (balcony, porch, scrap of yard) that gets sun?
Could you grown something in milk jugs, any kind of container?
Like this? http://containergardening.about.com/od/floweringcontainergarden/tp/Ideas-For-Cheap-Or-Free-Cotnainers.htm
(http://containergardening.about.com/od/floweringcontainergarden/tp/Ideas-For-Cheap-Or-Free-Cotnainers.htm)
Hops
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Me too a Taurus :P Happy Day of Birth !
Well in my randomness of various roommates, there is currently now A LOT of yard space, not prepared garden space but the owner has said for me to farm away (it's pine needle soil, there is opportunity for herbs, some abundant oregano in the front yard area which I will be making something yummy out of eventually!!! Love oregano. . But it's not mine and all my rental situations really don't feel like the right place or thing for me to be doing. Anywho your suggestions are very nice and makes a lot of sense that you would suggest that. Today I walked by a cream shade dogwood tree in full bloom and made myself stop to take just a little more time to look at it and I thought about this type of thing. The need to re-connect with nature and the things which have at some point fed our souls. Gardening and gardens definitely have been something that I LOVED in the past for sure.
Ultimately you are very right in this regard. I need to do something other than work and worry.
This weekend I have a haircut scheduled :) And then the following week a dental appointment that I have been trying to organize for a long time.
I love herbs, because they smell so good and are medicinal and can be put into food or made tea out of... they really are awesome.
I did pluck the dead stems off some of the oreganos the other day while I was killing time waiting for the bus
:)
Yes, yes, yes, I could plant some thymes in a pot in the front.
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And you can plant tomatoes and salad greens and stuff you can EAT.
Yay!
Hops
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4/27th
Waking up to coffee and swollen allergic eyelids and country music and my lap top, and doing research and texted my co-worker to see if he wants to go to the zoo or something.
This morning I am reading about negotiating with Liars... great topic right.
http://sloanreview.mit.edu/article/negotiating-with-liars/
“[W]hat moralists would often consider merely ‘unethical’ behavior in negotiations turns out to be precisely what the courts consider illegal behavior.”
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:) Yay went to the Dentist and got my teeth cleaned. Last time I went to dentist and they did a filling no cleaning so it's been since around 2007 maybe or prior that I have had a cleaning because yes.. really have been without dental insurance for a long time.
The dentist and hygienist were so focused on positive things that they forgot to mention the grand total quantity of fillings I would need. I was thinking they meant 2-3... but on paper.. printed off it is 7 fillings :) Yay!!! for me!!!
Ironically one of my co-workers who is always seeing me brush my teeth at work said: " I bet your dentist loves you"..... nah.. they make more money off of decay then they do well preserved teeth.
How can 7 fillings be positive, plus they were saying that some of what they were showing me was going to be watched, that possibly begining cavities could cease if I am really careful about sugar in my mouth.
Browsed a hardware store. I only bought a small dealy bobber. The guys in that store practically made me want to leave it. Well maybe I will try a bigger hardware place, in fact I think I will look one up.
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Just waking up having a cup of coffee is all.
Day off today will be working on Sunday until 7 PM instead
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Hope you had a good day off Boat, and maybe
even got your fingers in some DIRT.
:)
Hops
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Well I have pinched oregano from my roomies front patch that is going wild if that counts... Oh I did go to an art gallery on may day off... after I completed the dentist visit that involved 4 fillings, a broken tooth and blood :x hence the day off.
But the art was truly good. :D !!! I heart art. Who knew a farm ditch in a misty landscape rendered in oil is my kinda bandaid... and now an evening of ice cream and beer.
How are you?
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Art YES!
About those watercolors, or that painting class........
I'm doing fine. Survived a "retreat" at Nboss' home that I
was apprehensive about. Love my technique of stuffing
earplugs all the way into my brain so I CAN'T HEAR his
hypnotic guru-mind-control "guided meditations" we
have to sit through each time, and which I'm violently
opposed to having imposed on us. And they end with
ohhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm which is fine if you
like it but I consider that a virtual prayer and I don't
meditate on demand in the workplace, but only voluntarily,
hence my personal passive resistance, which I relish.
Otherwise, though, I contributed well and calmly.
Over-caffeinated today so he barked at me for
interrupting (exaggerating it) but I know that's
actually because I had said NO at the end of the
retreat when he proposed an even-more-invasive
trust-building process between me and the abusive
Pman, which Nboss intends to lead "as though he
were a therapist" and mentioned how intimate, emotional
and "hard core work" it would be.
I amazed myself by calmly saying, "I am opposed to this
idea because I do not want to think of you as my therapist,
you are my BOSS. And I am concerned that it would be
very invasive. If there were a professional therapist
facilitator I'd be open to it, but otherwise I think there's
a danger that any toxic dynamic would just be perpetuated
in a kind of closed family system."
And then he shut up and looked utterly shocked and I
went home very proud of myself. I am DAMNED if I
will cooperate with any "emotionally naked" exercise
with me and the bully who's tried to damage me for
seven years, that is led by Nboss himself (whose
enabling and sexism is part of why the pattern
festered in the first place).
Very risky in a way because I know, and he knows I
know, that I am not being a submissive "disciple" (aka
employee) -- but that's where I am and I felt proud
that I said what I thought and protected myself.
Thanks for asking!
Hops
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Heck YAAAAA Goooo Hops!!!!!!! WOW you did it :) I am laughing and saying "hell ...yaaa" out loud while I read what you wrote.
This situation you are describing is just on another plane... kind of mind boggling
N-coworkers and bosses are bad enough but add on them playing make believe guru crap.. Oy veh
I am glad you feel proud and protected. Those are the good moments.
Well fuck being employed does not = a follower of a guru sheesh... funny business this is .
but yah it feels risky too I get that
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My relatives are all on facebook, all connected to each other somehow, they know what is going on in each other's lives, they ask and listen to each other about what is important.
The aunt and the mother who are "besties"
My newphews, grandparents etc.
I guess they all want to keep in touch with each other.
Roll eyes I don't even feel like writing. Kind of at a loss as to what to say or feel. So off of this site at the moment.
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Well it's Mother's Day of course. Today at work my customers asked me if I was a mother etc. and then they wished me a happy Holiday anyhow.
Got my fingers and toes painted yesterday. I was getting too lazy and maybe depressed. Figured it would make me feel a tid bit more civilized.
I matched the polish colors to pink and purple Rhododendrons.
Of course I felt some guilt at not contacting my mother but it is hard to know what to say or do any longer. Any nice thing I could ever have done for her doesn't equate a relationship with her. So that is old news.
Current news is that I am eating a hot dog and beer and should go to bed soon because more work for Monday.
Yah nothin' at all going on around here. I always felt this way in the cityscape more invisible.
At work it was so quiet that I did something I am not supposed to do and came up with a list of possible summer reading. The list is in a brown lunch bag with a can of pea soup. Going to grab it.
The Light Between Oceans
Falling into You
Toxic Deception
Gilead
Lords of Finance
Gulag
And a handful of others :) If only my eyeballs will hold up maybe this will happen.
I worked until 7 PM and now it is almost 10... feh. this is going to be a drop into bed evening.
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Well it's Mother's Day of course. Today at work my customers asked me if I was a mother etc. and then they wished me a happy Holiday anyhow.
Got my fingers and toes painted yesterday. I was getting too lazy and maybe depressed. Figured it would make me feel a tid bit more civilized.
I matched the polish colors to pink and purple Rhododendrons.
Of course I felt some guilt at not contacting my mother but it is hard to know what to say or do any longer. Any nice thing I could ever have done for her doesn't equate a relationship with her. So that is old news.
Current news is that I am eating a hot dog and beer and should go to bed soon because more work for Monday.
Yah nothin' at all going on around here. I always felt this way in the cityscape more invisible.
At work it was so quiet that I did something I am not supposed to do and came up with a list of possible summer reading. The list is in a brown lunch bag with a can of pea soup. Going to grab it.
The Light Between Oceans
Falling into You
Toxic Deception
Gilead
Lords of Finance
Gulag
And a handful of others :) If only my eyeballs will hold up maybe this will happen.
I worked until 7 PM and now it is almost 10... feh. this is going to be a drop into bed evening.
Hey G,
Your nail polish sounds fab :)
I've found the Mother's Day/Birthday/Christmas thing has got easier over the years. One thing that helps me is to keep in mind that it is something that's been commercially created to get everyone to spend some money. So even if I were in contact with my mum I don't think I'd make a big deal of it. I find I feel better if I do something nice for someone else on those sort of days - takes my attention off of the way I feel for a while. At Christmas I put together little hampers for elderly people in the area who are alone. Nothing expensive, just little good gifts, because I don't have a mum to buy a present for so it makes me feel better that someone else is having their day improved a little, you know? Mother's Day this year, I took my son to see a film (his choice) and then we sat by the river drinking hot chocolate.
I hope you slept well. It's another tough day out of the way, it might be a little easier when it comes around next year. Either way, at least you have fabulous nails to show for it :) xx
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Hey G,
Your nail polish sounds fab :)
I've found the Mother's Day/Birthday/Christmas thing has got easier over the years. One thing that helps me is to keep in mind that it is something that's been commercially created to get everyone to spend some money. So even if I were in contact with my mum I don't think I'd make a big deal of it. I find I feel better if I do something nice for someone else on those sort of days - takes my attention off of the way I feel for a while. At Christmas I put together little hampers for elderly people in the area who are alone. Nothing expensive, just little good gifts, because I don't have a mum to buy a present for so it makes me feel better that someone else is having their day improved a little, you know? Mother's Day this year, I took my son to see a film (his choice) and then we sat by the river drinking hot chocolate.
I hope you slept well. It's another tough day out of the way, it might be a little easier when it comes around next year. Either way, at least you have fabulous nails to show for it :) xx
:P Breathe!! Thanks for reminding me of the nails. So far so good, polish is still on :)
What movie did you two end up watching?
Drinking hot chocolate by a river sounds good to me. Sounds like quality time together.
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Was offered a slight raise today, talking peanuts really. $1.00 hour raise.
Accepting the offer would mean that the location of my work space would move to another side of the building that has a few issues. The air-conditioning messes up over there and it gets over-heated sometimes. There are more internal customers to deal with that are associated with the head corporation and when something goes up the chain of command it typically results in company wide rumors of a problem. The seating arrangement faces inward instead of out any windows. In towards the managers desks which makes it feel like a class room type setting almost. It is a bit more tightly packed together. I told them that I would be happy to be trained but that I do not want to move so I think I have declined it. They could simply have calls come over to me. It is more of a technical situation.
Right now I face a wall with a window and I prefer this. The raise seems like piddly squat though I guess I should consider it some more. They also just demoted somebody off of that team.... right now I feel cool with not being highly scrutinized. The first months that I worked on the job were under heavy scrutiny. Now the manager I have is pretty good. The other side of the building would be some managers that I am not entirely excited about.
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Tough call.
Adequate (barely) income vs being able to see nature outside a window (instead of a stall).
Ouch.
If the income boost would get you closer to something else that keeps your spirit alive, maybe worth it. But if you're more present-focused and you know what losing a window would cost you, I hear that too.
I had a semi-opportunity for an office change and turned it down because where I am, there is natural light.
I get it. (Then again, my change wasn't attached to a promotion or raise--which makes it a harder decision.)
Good luck with this--whichever you decide, that's going to be what's right for you at this time, I think.
xo
Hops
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Customer ordered large item over 1,000.00
needed to be shipped long distance
I spent much frustration spinning my wheels trying to figure out why the item had been lost in transit and no longer traceable
I contacted our representative with the shipping company they had said they had NO IDEA WHERE IT WAS OR WHAT WAS GOING ON
So based on that I of course thought well I have to figure out what the hell is going on..... naturally
I was told by our company management that I am forbidden from contacting the higher contacts with the shipping company.
yet it is my responsibility to make the customer happy and explain the process to them whatever the fuck that is
for me I like to figure out what is going on and then resolve it
Apparently people who do best in my position take a different approach of sweet talking or bullshitting the customer while having no real clue..
the managers also sometimes sweet talk and bull shit me which only makes me not respect them at all
okay who what where when how why or something like that
....
One of the head queen bees was called by my boss.. the result of that was that we were told the reason the item was "lost and not accounted for with no news..
was because of us.
Our business account had a "hold" on it whatever that means. So more or less it has something to do with us not paying..
I am exasperated and dizzy and I am going to lay down for a few mins or something.
And in the mix of it one of my co-workers started working on it. Telling the customer the item hadn't shipped because it was out of stock which was totally wrong. It was in stock and had shipped but was then frozen and no longer moving.
Okay multiply this by other stupid stuff which is also our fault.. massive headache I hate fixing dumb stuff. I didn't even fix anything.
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I've got a few days off of work. My birthday is next week. I almost totally unmotivated to plan something but that is why I took the time off.
well I will work on it now.
This is supposed to be fun.
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It's never too late to be what you might have been... "George Elliot" I guess was a quote by a woman who was never really a man..
How about young again... never comes back.
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Ya know, I think these days birthday serenity, a few peaceful thoughts
and a calm day...are way more important to me than fun.
But if fun is doable go FOR IT!
Art, art, garden, grow...
xo
Hops
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I am just coming here because I am feeling sad after work today. Guess this seems like a relatively safe place just to record stuff down. I'm self-conscious about coming here and being down too often for what is like socially acceptable before becoming a depressing/depressive presence. So I guess if it's a downer just don't read.
So with that little preface I wish I could elaborate more about this but I'm not really able to pin point what it is.
I can only guess at what it is:
Something about having had talked to a customer who seemed particularly nice or something? That then made me feel sad idk.
A co-worker asked me to trade shifts with her but it wasn't for an emergency or anything like that it's just a family dinner with relatives who live not too far away so I didn't really want to swap.. and now I feel bad or guilty for saying no?
I'm just lonely in general? I spend a lot of time in chat, a habit I developed while I was unemployed, but now I come home after work and chat with people because coming home to loneliness sucks?
Me becoming older idk?
not sure right now I wish I knew what else to say
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I hear you, Boat--
To me, loneliness is sometimes like a vat of cold congealed soup.
I step into it with little warning sometimes.
It also can hit strongly at the most beautiful times of year,
since I want to have someone to share little comments
about any of it. Weather, oh look--that bloomed, etc.
If getting on here, or on chat, helps you cope, bravo for it.
big hug,
Hops
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I empathize with your last post. I find it difficult to always be alone, year after year. If there is any socializing to do it is because I have arranged it. And that is mostly going out to public activities not getting together with others. I just don't get called and included. It is certainly painful AND lonely.
I am glad yo post here. I find it helpful in a way I do not even understand to come here and post. It helps me work things out. It helps to share my pain, my frustration, my hopes. Thinking of you Garbanzo - Happy Birthday.
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Hi Garbanzo, hoping you are okay, noticed you don't seem to have posted for a little while, hope you are getting some R and R and looking after yourself well xx
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Oh Hiya Two, and all. Thanks. Yah haven't really been on here recently. Feel like most of everything I've got to say I have put down.
My brother's birthday was on the 4th of July and he killed himself around this time last year so think I have just kind of had an undercurrent of sadness but whatevers it is what it is.
Emotions no matter how much I try to distract myself, well emotions are like some kind of under ground river, always there below the surface somewhere in the dark and all.
Kind of just wish I wasn't alone with my own company. Been spending too much time on my lap top, got sucked into group chats, lots of garbage talk in those kinds of chat rooms. I guess it draws me in and away from feeling that I am alone.
My roommate had invited me to watch Korean Soap Operas with her a while back.. I didn't because I feel like I impose on people and I didn't really have interest in it. Though idk I kind of feel that it is my own stupid fault that I feel lonely idk anymore.
just kind of the same old same old in my world
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Will that roommate give you a raincheck?
Sounds like a positive-and-odd (odd IS often positive) way to bond with someone,
or just make a friend. Even a light friendship is healing sometimes.
I will be thinking of you and your brother tomorrow, Boat.
Anniversaries are painful--time passing, benchmarks met and missed,
all of that.
Other than here (of course) -- how about laptopping less and
humaning some more? It's like vitamins. You need your human vitamin
every day so you don't develop rickets.
hugs
Hops
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I find anniversaries can affect us whether we notice it or not. I used to get really crabby every January. I always assumed it was the usual post christmas blow out, but then I'd realise the anniversary of my dad's death was coming up. It was odd, it happened every year but I still didn't associate the way I felt with him passing. Sometimes losing yourself in online chat/crappy TV/gossip magazines helps, I think, it kind of gives you a break from dealing with stuff. I guess it's keeping the balance but try not to give yourself a hard time about it. How's work going? xx
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Exactly Two, completely true about the anniversary thing being a shadow event
Heys, the work is ok. Getting to the burn out point of being in a call center for a year though. Last couple months been noticing that outside of work there is nothing going on in my life. Kinda of thinking about if this qualifies as a depression. I don't even use the word depression anymore like I used to, just quit the term altogether.
Just have downer stuff to write about that I don't much feel like typing out as it seems kinda null and nil
Going to sleep before midnight is my goal, been staying up too late
Been spending an innoridinate about of time in chat though and mostly there are young drug addicted male virgins lol in these kinds of chats..... not really my kinda group, I don't even fit in and they couldn't care less whether I am in or out, probably prefer that I am out of the room as apparently I am old and fuddy duddy
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Lots of echoes with me...
over-TVing, under-sleeping, under-exercising...
And I figure it's depression, summer style.
I think it'll pass though I do feel a little crazy w/it sometimes.
I wake up and many mornings the very first thought that
slams into my awareness is, "My daughter hates me."
That's why I feel crazy. Two years and I still can't
get my mind to accept it. Grief w/o relief although
it's not as acute, it's just constant.
Hops
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Yesterday Friday was my day off of work so I took 3 buses to meet mother and 3 buses to get home.
She had some paperwork that I needed, and I had been putting it off.
Was thinking of never seeing her again, just forgetting it but idk. Some people make a point of staying in touch with their relatives even when they don't get along. IDK what is right or wrong in that regards or what the point is.
We didn't mention my brother at all. Sort of like he is invisible and non-existent and this is part of what voicelessness is in my opinion. On some level voiceless people literally don't exist
She talked about her neighbor whom she probably has only ever met once she also talked about some woman on TV as if it was someone she cared about. Shrug. Well at least I got my stuff and that in itself is a sigh of relief. Didn't expect any different from my mother at all. It's just as if one is always waiting for them to maybe prove themselves wrong, act more human. act like they give a shit. It reinforces something IDK, the idea that this is okay and normal, and my only choice is just to go along with it because she is in the driver's seat. Its just not there, real family is not really part of the equation.
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Am looking forward to holidays though. The smells, flavors, lights and such. Even the corny music. I am hoping I will be able to work to gain overtime pay though. I want to put a Christmas tree in my room. We will see. Hardly worth the money since I don't own a house but we will see.
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Right now I happen to be looking at my brother's death certificate for the first time. I told her (crazy mother) to email it to me because facebook requires a copy of it to get the facebook page memorialized whatever that means. He killed himself two days before his birthday. He wasn't especially old either.
I've been putting it off. But I think I am going to do it. I know it's unimportant but my family excludes me from everything and anything. Wasn't invited to the coroners or to family gatherings this year for Christmas. I'm told after the fact. The way my mother acts its like she has washed her hands clean, she doesn't care that my brother is dead, it's sort of like a thing on her to-do list that she now doesn't need to do any longer.
Life and death are so weird. It's like the whole world is one big mess up.
I am reading the certificate upside down because my computer isn't giving me the rotate option at the moment.
Probably not what I should be ruminating over at Christmas time.
It says his occupation was "Salesman" not sure why I find this odd I just do.
I wish I could show his ghost like "hey look brother, this is what your death certificate looks like" Its a really dumb piece of paper that barely says anything about you"
I don't believe in any kind of heaven or after life though. I guess I should send it in now.
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Was visiting my mother's house. There was a book there she hadn't started reading. It's about grief. Haven't read a book in probably a year or longer. Haven't read a self help book in probably 5 years if I remember correctly. Haven't been doing shit but working and shitting. This book might be the right one for me, it's sort of like it found its way to me heheheh to sound like a new age freak. This author I read before and it's random that this book would show up. I am listening to the same song on repeat, I don't want to sleep, I want to stay up and write but I wont. There are some things I have censored off the board, that I haven't written about for my own privacy, I'm wondering if this sort of started me not writing as much here, as I come and then barely post anything. I think about the board but then don't want to come here, I am not sure why because I like this place.
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I never did read that book about grief. Just can't seem to focus on it. Eating ginger chunk cookies and beer.
A co-worker shoved me today for no reason, from behind, she also has been walking around with a back brace because she started an altercation with someone. So great- had to report that means tomorrow work is going to be a great joy.
I'm tired.
Talked to my mother on the phone about visiting with my nephews end of this month, her husband doesn't want me at her house really, my mother spent the conversation talking about how they are so busy etc. They always make themselves sound busy when in reality they are two retired people that have no hobbies but watching TV and walking a mini poodle. They spent the day driving to go have some fancy meal with their friends. Even though I scheduled time off of work for end of June maybe I will do some adult thing alone, go to a spa or something and just ditch the "family". My mother has yet to be able to discuss any plans so obviously there are none or at least I don't factor into it. Since I don't factor into it then I suggested to her that maybe I just won't show up and I will do something else.
I feel like I don't have a family etc. but maybe I am being immature. Maybe I shouldn't care, shouldn't be there. Shouldn't be involved. My mother doesn't really need to see me etc, she doesn't have any interest in including me much. Of course her sister/my aunt is included.
Even still my feelings are hurt. I feel unimportant, unloved, why do I still seek these from someone who will never care.
Probably self punishment but I think I should step away. :) It's hurtful and offensive to be excluded but of course it's expected.
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"I feel unimportant, unloved, why do I still seek these from someone who will never care.
Probably self punishment but I think I should step away. :) It's hurtful and offensive to be excluded ...."
Why? Because fully accepting the reality that she will never care is so extraordinarily painful, and because releasing that hope is like letting go of gravity. It's incredibly hard. But you can do it. Once you get there, imo, you will have a strength and peace you never imagined you were capable of. It won't be from anger. It'll be from embracing reality and non-denial as incredibly powerful friends to you.
Self-punishment for stepping away? Sounds like self liberation. Self respect. Self determination. Self love.
Hops
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Thank you for responding. Very nice of you. As for me this Friday night creating a massive hangover for Saturday AM.
You always reply, you don't even know me! You are like a comforting voice from an abyss. Ha Anyhow have a good weekend.
A song :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoorXJ470aA
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"You are like a comforting voice from an abyss."
Nicest thing I've ever heard, Boat. Thank you.
And you are real to me, Net or not.
I wish you out of the abyss, sitting with a kind listener.
You deserve 3-D comfort too.
love,
Hops
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As expected my mother handed the phone to my nephew and told him to call me and then she said she was unavailable to speak to me because she was busy eating. Manipulative?
Yeah, I said hi to him asked him to hand the phone to my mother and when she said she was too busy to talk I told her that so was I.
I had asked her for some kinda idea plan, at the start of the month, couple weeks ago. Nothing from her.
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Can you talk directly to your nephew/s and invite them to something specific you'd like to do with them?
Why does it have to go through her?
Everybody's old enough to communicate directly, yes?
She don't own them. Or you.
hugs
Hops