Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on July 08, 2013, 07:23:18 PM
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I adopted an adorable little rescue who is a complete cupcake with me...
but has nipped at (first) a few friends and now BITTEN one. Not a deep
bite but very unprovoked, and she broke the skin. On each leg!
I am distressed because I don't know if I should keep her. On our own
she is just the perfect companion. Super affectionate, funny, dear, and
very peaceful in the house. It's when people come in that she loses it.
I will talk to a trainer, but it's likely fairly hardwired fear biting or territorial
biting. I know it can be managed with crating and leashing-during-company
and permanent vigilance, but the truth is, I got a dog to reduce my stress.
She does in many ways, but I'm just not up for having to worry about this
for 10 or so years.
I wonder if it's more fair to her to return her (it's an excellent, high-end,
and no-kill SPCA) so she'd have a chance to be adopted by someone who
can do long detaled behavior training with her. I just can't. It's already
pushing the envelope to have to leave her for 3 looooooooong days per
week (and two shorter ones) while I work. But the director told me it's
still a home for her, and better, and she'd cope.
She's just adorable. She's recovering from huge surgeries (removed top
--the ball--of the hip and has steel plates in the other hind leg). When they
got her as a stray she'd obviously been hit and never treated (she is
terrified of pickup trucks, so that seems clear)...and she has had litter/s
and was full of parasites. So clearly, not well socialized and nobody taught
her anything.
I just don't know if with all the other worries/stresses in my life, I should
take this on. She is precious and I'm a softie, but drawing blood, and
being anxious over friends' visits, would put a big dent in that joy.
Advice welcome.
thanks,
Hops
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what if you just put a mini muzzle on her for the duration of "stranger danger"...or is that considered unkosher
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Hops:
I think you might want to return this dog.
It will be an added stress.
It will add tension to your life.
It will be a problem, now and in the future, IME.
Get a dog you can take into town, tie outside Starbucks while you get your cup, and enjoys pets from strangers. Very social and enjoyable, and will still bark when something's askew at the house. After midnight. When you just watched a scary movie.
Good luck with your choice,
Lighter
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Aw, Hopsie, this is a horrible situation for you to be in. Unfortunately some dogs have been through such a bad time that they develop problems that need really specialist help/training. As sad as it is, I'd be inclined to take her back. It might be that you could still walk her or something until she is rehomed again, or even that they can sort out the problem and then she could come back to you?
We've had two situations with rescue pets in the past. The first was a dog, who was gorgeous but, when out with me, attacked anything that came near us. She was fine with my boyfriend and behaved perfectly when out with him, or the two of us together, but me on my own and she went for anyone or anything that got too close. It got to the point that (a) I avoided walking her and (b) when I did take her out I had to keep her on her lead and go to places early in the day (or late evening) so there was less chance of seeing anyone. As Lighter says, it's all extra stress and if something really bad happens you will find it so hard to forgive yourself.
Our second rescue was a cat who had some real behavioural issues; I worked really hard with him for about three months, following advice from the vet and the rescue centre. He nipped and bit and generally didn't like people. One morning he attacked my son, no provocation at all, and I had to take him to hospital the next day because the bites were infected. He went straight back to the cattery that day.
It's such a shame because I do think it's people that make them like this, and some people I know have had lovely pets from rescue centres. But I agree with Lighter, you don't want to be constantly worrying about what might happen and dog bites can leave permanent scarring. Hopefully the rescue centre might be able to retrain her so she calms down a bit? xx
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Thanks much, guys.
Boat, the muzzle idea would work but so would a leash or closing her in a bedroom.
I just don't want to commit to years of vigilance against "stranger danger" if it's deeply rooted.
Really love this critter but don't feel ready to commit to a constant maintenance of safety thing.
Lighter, that's right. I want a dog who can love being out in public, not only me.
But lord, she is the SWEETEST "home companion." If it were the two of us in
a bubble, I'd be happy with her forever. SO sweet in her interactions w/me.
Tupp, I'm waiting for a return contact from the SPCA...hadn't occurred to me I
might return her "for rehab" and then try her again. I wonder if that would work?
Thank you all,
Hops
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Hi Hops.
I have had a few (bad behavior) rescue dogs. She may be a sweetie with you because (she is being possessive) with you (your house) and so on. It's work to Try to turn this around. First...it's your house. You are (head dog). She does not get to run your house. Have you given her full freedom? I am a firm believer of crate training. When your at work ( crate). When she eats ( out of your hand) then allow the bowl. When you walk around house (leash her to a loop on your pants) she must follow.... take lead.... It is a LOT of work. The leash (was my best friend when I was training) with company.. I now have a doxie that is a sweet as can be and will roll on his back with just a certain tone and what I say...Leave it alone...and he does. But it's work!
I for the 1st time in 15 years bought a Pug puppy. The reason I choose pugs is because I love their personalities!! And of course my friend is a pug breeder.
This litter was the last. I loved her dogs so much I had to get one of the last of the pups. My other friend bought 2 and my teenage sons friend bought one. So
I'm up to my eyeballs in pugs..play..the pug run..and the little clowns of dog world.
If you want to give your new fur kid a chance 1st let her know your not her possession. Make her earn (with good behavior). You can try some of the above.,
Ah! It's hard when you become attached!! I do love dogs!!
But I have returned one and had to put another down (was extremely dangerous) 105 lbs..
Deb
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Hi Hops,
It might work, I have a friend who trains difficult dogs and she reckons most dogs can be helped, but it takes a lot of time, energy and you need to really know your stuff - plus you'd have the worry of what might happen when friends visit while you're trying to do it. So they might be able to do something, it's lovely that she's bonded with you like that, bless her, and I hope you can work something out xx
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Hops:
With so many wonderful dogs available for rescue, I just see you with sweet lab mix dog that loves to go out into the world, and embrace fellowship.
If you return this dog, you can inform the folks in charge that she's the perfect dog for someone who's interested in home protection........
[i with the expectation the dog will never ever be for public consumption.[/i]
Won't greet burglars happily at the door.
Can't be bought off with a treat, bc it's THIS dog's job to protect and defend.
That's something special, and there are people out there who actually seek those kinds of dogs OUT.
Women dealing with dangerous ex's are absolutely looking for lovely companion dogs that can also make them feel safe in their homes.
Giving her back doesn't mean you're giving up on her or letting her down. It could mean you're making her available for someone who NEEDS this dog.
Right now.
Just say'in.
Lighter
ps There are dog trainers who actually train dogs to BE what your little friend is right now. It's a particular thing. Not necessarily a BAD thing. Yes, it adds stress to your life, but it could be the thing that makes it possible for someone else to sleep at night, kwim? Perhaps the shelter could contact aq women's shelter to find out if there's someone out there looking for this little friend right now?
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I've gotten some reassurance that she may just need some time to heal, and trust that I'll protect her, and that she can venture out into the world and learn that people are friends.
I'm right now thinking I wanna give it a go.
Haven't had this much love in my home in ages...we spent an hour just talking (well, me--she was wagging) and goofing around on the floor and being silly...sooooooooooooo healing.
I'll see what the trainer says before I decide it's not worth it. She's not a vicious dog, she's a scared dog. But only 3 y/o....she might be young/plastic enough to learn some happy new realities. I'll just be responsible about handling guest visits and introduce other new outings gradually, in small excursions, as she regains strength.
But if it really does happen again and shows me it's an intractable problem, I will not be afraid to make the hard call.
xo and thank you for caring about me!
Hops
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Hope it all works out, Hops, will be sending healing vibes to your pooch! They are lovely friends to have, fingers crossed she starts to feel safe soon.
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Hi Hopsie:
I'm so glad you found a buddy!
Yes, I'm familiar with this behavior. My old "buddy" has bitten several people - including me. We know it was abuse from before we untied him from the tree we found him under. It's not even a herding, protective response. The groomer won't work with him, because she won't muzzle him and he bit her. So I muzzle him and "work with him" - i.e., not force him to do anything he obvious REALLY doesn't want to. Makes for funny hair cuts!
He is unpredictable about the biting. I have actually seen like a switch get flipped - in his eyes and demeanor - and watched happy, huggy, waggy Raleigh get replaced with Cujo. In an instant. This is a huge, huge problem when company is here - especially the little people company who aren't able to follow rules like: don't wave your sandwich around and get it near the dog. The dog gets separated a lot - and since he IS really social and he just loves people and is protective of the little ones - he doesn't understand and feels left out. But I can't take the chance that he would flip his switch and bite someone else.
The vet has tried paxil - to calm him down, but really that was just a temporary brain reset. Mike & I take turns "herding" him - letting him know he's safe and we want him around, too. Sometimes, half a dramamine helps, too. But Raleigh's about 60-70 lbs; those dosages need to adjust. We have all the other old-age issues too, along with a life-long recurring ear infection. SIGH.... he'll be 13 next month; quite the old man for either Cocker/Golden Retriever... and he's a mix of both. The biting has gotten worse, as his physical condition has declined... something to think about for the future. We had been able to trust him with the babies in the family, when he was younger. They climbed all over him.
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Dang. I hear y'all. She's still on probation, but I really am going to work
with her for a few months and see what happens. Before the Big Decision.
So far, I have noticed that with my gentlest-natured friends, she's doing fine.
Comes over and with one, just sat there and soaked up lots of petting.
Perhaps it's true that you can rebuild a fearful dog's confidence, after a long bad time.
I sure hope so. But I'll take the trainers' advice to heart, as well, and balance it
with my own limitations.
Because our evenings are ridiculously blissful. This critter CRAVES affection
and once I sit on the floor with her, it's an amazing cuddle.
You'll think I'm ridiculous but I swear there's a lot of communication. Most
of the time I keep it upbeat and a little goofy, and we do things cheerfully.
But last night after a lot of tickles and such, I paused, rubbed her belly with
its distended teats, and just looking into her eyes, said or "thought" (can't
remember) to her: I know you had puppies, and I am very sorry that you
lost them. I said it like...serious compassion.
She stilled, looked at me seriously back, sighed, then licked my hand.
(And she's not a licker.)
Sure felt like a two-way exchange of something deep to me...
Then we're back to bouncing around and happy together stuff.
xo
Hops
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The fur-baby knows....she knows. No such thing as a dumb animal.
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Well, Hops... I wasn't trying to dissuade you; more pointing out what it could be like if she doesn't reform over time. It's do-able, if you remember that your new friend has "been there, done that" too -- and may have reasons for acting less than friendly that you can't know.
Raleigh's just fine with one stranger at a time. When it's a group of people, he does get overwhelmed, over-excited and it's simply too much for one dog to keep track of at once. I kinda know that place, too. LOL... that's why I'm always close to the edges of those scenes, and not smack dab in the middle, myself.
M has always said, that our dog is a total empath; he reads my emotional state and experiences it himself. (I used to think this was a way of trying to stick the blame on me, for the dog... rather, it's simply a reminder to check on self-awareness of my own state.) He's always been a friendly, waggy, social dog - with almost everyone. Freakily enough: it's A - my D - that makes the fur stand up on his back. And he growls when they arrive, instead of the happy, "company's here" bark he saves for everyone else - including UPS and the FedEx lady that brings him treats.
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Hmmm, that.
I bet my pooch would growl at my D as well (should she ever turn up).
I just sent her a laptop since I'd read on her blog that she needed one.
Should've known better. Furious, nasty texts about me "stalking" etc.
So I am now no longer trying to "keep the door open." She wants
absolutely nothing from me or to do with me, but also texted that
she would be in touch with me when she felt like it. So, there's
that. Once I got over it I realized I am re-calming much quicker.
She couldn't have spelled it out more clearly, so I cancelled the
laptop (I had texted her to watch for the pkg). And I guess I'll
stop paying her cell phone every month too. Been doing that in
cash at the kiosk for two years. But if this person won't call me
and wants nothing, I think that should stop now too.
It's sad because she's unwell, unemployed and needs help.
It's just that she doesn't want it from me. And I accept it.
Anyway, back to pooch.
Encouraging visit from the behaviorist who gave me a lot of
tips and thinks sh'es not inevitably a lost cause. I will work with
her for a month or two to retrain her to look to me for direction
and not be in charge herself, keep her controlled when visitors
come, and reward her for the usual obedience things. She's a
smart little pooch and I think she'd like to be happy so I'm not
giving up yet. She needs lots of new experiences in the world
where she learns most people are good, I will keep her safe, and
going out and interacting is fun. The behaviorist reminded me
that the trauma she's been through may have been extreme.
All in all, given that, I think she's a cupcake. And I am discovering
I can direct and guide her without some faux-ferocious dominant
act, which isn't natural to me. Mostly, cheerfully redirecting her
attention and training her to always look to me for leadership,
seems to be the idea. No nonsense and not anxious does it best.
Wish us luck, it's a happy project. She did great on a challenging
long walk this morning, with scary dogs and strangers running
and a big roaring schoolbus. Just praised her lots and we kept on
going. Now she'll sleep all day long and not be stressed.
Hops
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But if this person won't call me
and wants nothing, I think that should stop now too.
Well, you're honoring her request, the way I see it.
It's sad because she's unwell, unemployed and needs help.
It's just that she doesn't want it from me. And I accept it.
((((Hops))))
Anyway, back to pooch.
All in all, given that, I think she's a cupcake. And I am discovering
I can direct and guide her without some faux-ferocious dominant
act, which isn't natural to me. Mostly, cheerfully redirecting her
attention and training her to always look to me for leadership,
seems to be the idea. No nonsense and not anxious does it best.
Well, remember Ceasar's Dog Whisperer show, and channel being the pack leader. The leader isn't always cheerful. Sometimes the leader is all snappy fingers, and serious faces if I recall correctly. Maybe even a finger jab in the side here and there to get things back on track. I went through the same sort of thing with my oldest child as a pre schooler. Well not the finger pokes, but I had to reassure her outright it wasn't her job to keep things on track, the adults had that job. If that child didn't feel the adult in charge had things in control, that child stepped up and tried to take over.... lots of anxiety about it. YOU have to let this dog know you're in charge, I suspect, so the dog can relax and be a follower? Oh heck, I seriously do not know, Hops but I'm sending you pack leader vibes so you and your pooch can relax into a lovely layed back life together.
Wish us luck, it's a happy project. She did great on a challenging
long walk this morning, with scary dogs and strangers running
and a big roaring schoolbus. Just praised her lots and we kept on
going. Now she'll sleep all day long and not be stressed.
It's a wonderful feeling to get up and out and exercise our furry friends, knowing how relaxed and happy they'll be the rest of the day. I really don't like putting it off till later in the day.
Good luck, and may the leader vibe be with you.
Lighter
Hops
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And I am discovering
I can direct and guide her without some faux-ferocious dominant
act, which isn't natural to me. Mostly, cheerfully redirecting her
attention and training her to always look to me for leadership,
seems to be the idea.
SOMETIMES, this works with some kids, too. Sometimes, it doesn't.
Last weekend, there were a series of cheesy "God" movies on the tube. It's hot and humid here, and so that keeps me housebound, as I try to adjust to this climate. (Winter is much better, even when the weather is foul and bitter cold, off the ocean.) We watched Evan Almighty again - which I think is my favorite one; it's also the cheesiest. Bruce Almighty came on right after - I think it was a Morgan Freeman marathon - and the relevant bit here... is when Bruce has the Almighty's power... but he still can't get the love of his life to love him, too. God tells him: the job and powers don't come without certain conditions... like Free Will.
By now, I think we all get that your D's illness is probably getting in the way of her really exercising her Free Will. It's got her all wrapped up in the demands of the illness. My youngest is kind of struggling with that, too. It's really hard - even with the gentle reminders that it's OK - for her to admit to herself, accurately assess the situation, and then ask for help. We're workin' on it. I have to remind her that pushing people away, isn't what she really wants to do. I sure hope your D comes to understand that "help" is like energy... the old E=MC2 equation... giving it doesn't use it up; it just gets passed on when she's in a position to help someone else. And it's not a "control" thing, a boundary violation, or a projection thing, either... it's simply gently guiding her along her own path... and finding the right way to get free of the tangled wrappings of the illness, that's got her all locked away in endless, relentless battle. Help is trying to give them the tools to do it themselves.
Self-preservation comes in, too. I've been screamed at on the phone, based on some misunderstanding going on in A's confused mind. After telling her, I get angry when I'm yelled at like that - and hurt too - if she continues, I simply hang up on her. When I had a chance to get a word in edgewise, I explained: I have to protect the me that gets hurt. And I have to protect YOU, from the righteous anger that will erupt in self-defense, if you don't respect this one interaction rule. So, yelling at me like this, is always going to get you cut off - got it? Then, I pat her on the head and tell her I understand why she's angry - but flinging poo at everyone about it, like some howler monkey - kinda prevents people from getting close enough to help.
Where you are is a lot worse, Hops. I think the pooch will help a LOT. What kind is she? Another mix that includes beagle? :D
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Thanks, Lighter, for the comment about the phone bill. Literally, that's what she said. Practically, it's self-sabotage if she snips that lifeline. So I think I'll ask my T about it Monday...and let him help me think it through. My options are:
1) Quietly continue to pay it w/o acknowledgment as I have been, for my own peace of mind (but perhaps risking new fury if she notices or wants a new --more current --power struggle)
2) Communicate (which she does not want but which would reach her) a brief text, such as:
I understand you don't want gifts, and would like to know if my continuing to pay for your cell phone is welcome.
OR
I would like to continue paying for your phone if that's okay. Rather than cut off that support abruptly, if I don't hear from you, my plan will be to keep on through the end of the year. If you want me to stop now, you can let me know. (That way, if she is silent, I know what to do.)
3) Cut it off in pique, or because I choose to literally take her at her ranting word: "I don't want anything from you." It is likely the illness talking but it's also what she said.
That's what I want to walk through with my T. It's so FF-ing complicated!
But the one thing I did see, after this pummeling exchange of nasty texts, is that she's not better, her demonization of me has hardened and become even more extreme. She draws some strength from it, and rages the moment her control of contact is messed with even by a text. I've sent about 4 in two long years. And one letter. But that, to her, is "stalking" (because she posted her address on Amazon and was furious that I had used it to send the sole letter--heartfelt amends letter--to).
It is a no-win situation, and regarding her phone (she's unemployed, NEEDS one) -- I'll just try to figure out the least-bad option.
Back to pooch. Whew. MUCH easier than child.
Thanks PR and Lighter for all the encouragement.
I have read quite a bit and it turns out there is a wide challenge among some experts to Cecar Milan's philosophy...that's where the "cheerful redirection and leadership" rather than "alpha pack-leader dominance leadership" thing comes in. It fits better for me, so I'm working in the latter [edit: whoops, I meant former] way. There are lots of specifics, and it's not passive at all. The attitude is no-nonsense and I'd exert swift physical control on a time in emergency, but this more collegial approach seems to be helping. Some believe it's a bit wacky to try to act out being an animal in a pack, because as human beings with dogs, it really is a different kind of relationship.
Anyhow. We'll see how it all turns out. I'm happy to be doing this.
Is she my substitute daughter? Hah. The thought has occurred...
And PR -- I get you, about what real help is. I am so glad you still have contact with A., so you can offer the kind that is sane. Much light and hope that she continues to find her way... Any news on the kids?
love
Hops
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Hops:
So glad to read you're making headway with the darling dog. I hope you can work into a lovely routine you both enjoy.
sKep: I'll be keeping you and Hops in my prayers.
Lighter
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I took her downtown to the pedestrian main drag last night
and we sat at a cafe. It was so sweeeeeet. She'd clearly never
seen such a parade of people and dogs before and though she
was tense, she stayed alert and interested, and even coped
well when a couple of strangers stopped and gently pet her
(they asked first). I was proud as punch!
And it was a wonderful way to end my own evening, sitting
in the twilight with her, sipping a brew. What a difference
having another being to go "out" with.
The cafe folks downtown here are so welcoming to dogs.
They even bring out special metal water bowls. It's a very
happy scene, with strollig musicians, art hung in trees,
just my favorite thing about this place.
I'm at the point where I can't imagine not keeping her
(of course). We're a good match.
xo
Hops
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Hopsie, you sound like a good match. A true and special friend. You deserve that xx
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Well, H and I were in a bit of a tizzy over "what's going on" yesterday... but it ended hopefully. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything, until after the court date on the 12th. All parties seem focused on the same result right now and my fingers are crossed.
The eval of the oldest boy came back, validating A's claim all along - that the oldest boy is a high functioning Aspie and that his biggest challenge is in decision making. (That explains a lot.) But he does NOT need to be in LD classes at school, and A agrees with my idea, that the LD approach may actually be detrimental to his progress. If the kids go back home, they'll be back in their great school again, and A can work with those folks to get this child some tutoring to get him up to grade level, before he goes on to high school. In fact, she was feeling me out about backing her up in case she has to pay for tutoring because she feels so strongly about this helping him. (Huge, huge change in her attitude; before she was insisting that nothing could be done.)
This will be a monitored situation and family counseling will also be required, if the kids are returned. And I'm well aware that there needs to be on-going interaction, support, and openness between the 3 of us: H, A & I going forward -- that we're not to "normal" relationship yet. Trust levels are still on the low side; A is starting to work through the heavy emotional work which makes communication/relationship awkward; and H & I, because of A's previous level of distrust and lying to us... can very, very easily project our fears of the worst onto the situation, making it even worse. Things are proceeding slowly and I'm even more convinced these days, that everything happens for a reason -- or that we can assign meaning to most things that happen. :D Not sure which it is - or that it matters.
OH... and H is trying on a new career: movie special effects! She says it uses a lot of stuff that's in her brain, like math, science, engineering, physics... that she hasn't used in a long, long time... combined with artistic creativity. She is so excited about it, and it's contagious. :D
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That's wonderful, PR...so much hope for all of you.
How about the younger boy's eval? Any insights there?
So glad to know the older boy may get a chance at a reset.
Special effects sound like a far cry from nursing, but a great
fit for an imaginative, somewhat intense person...good outlet
for those parts of her.
love,
Hops
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Hey, Hops.
I think it's H that's considering the movie effects.... not A, sKep?
About the update..... I got chills reading it.
Still have them.
It appears things are heading in the best possible direction for everyone involved, and they unfolded in their own time, in their own way after all.
Whatever it is you're doing, I think you should keep doing it, ((((sKep and family.))))
Hops: Glad your pooch had a good experience out in public..... seems promising. Things can only get better as you two make new friends, and begin socializing with dogs and people on a regular basis. Reminds me of playdates and children.....
you want your child/dog playdating with peers who have excellent social skills so they learn good ones, right? Being around other calm, social, relaxed animals, and their owners, might be just what you guys need to transition into a comfortable routine where you don't have to worry much? Be mindful. Maybe start slow. Good luck: )
Lighter
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:D >>>>> http://cdn.trendhunterstatic.com/thumbs/chia-pet-animal-costume.jpeg
I know, I know, it's almost totally off subject. Was trying to find a photo of a mature chia plant which these trendy-nutritional chia seeds come from. Found this instead.
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EXCELLENT laugh, Boat...thank you!
And not at all off topic.
One of my greatest joys in bonding with this pooch is the daily permission to:
talk silly
act idiotic
make unedited bizarre noises
tell her at length how: perfect, funny, smart, brave, cute, goofy...she is
plop her on my lap for the pure pleasure of the way she sighs, snuggles in cloooooooose, and deposits a small kiss on my nose in appreciation (BOY, I don't know if it's the "rescue gratitude" or the "beagle snuggliness" but this is the CUDDLIEST dog I've ever had!
And I think the Chia pet outfit is plumb awesome.
My pooch, short name LB, is a little wonky in the hind end still, but the surgeon just released her from only-leash-walking so I can now just open the back door and let her run in the yard. First time was an explosion of delight--she'd been penned up and post-serious-surgical for many months. She ran, she spun, she rolled in the grass--and kept looking at me like, are you SURE? Pure joy to watch.
She'll always have a funny gait, but this a.m. she walked well over a mile with my pal and me. She's stronger every day (developing impressive thigh muscles on the rear leg that had the ball/hip part removed...that's how she'll always compensate for the missing bit).
The other leg had had a terrible fracture that was grinding into her knee with every step.
She was so hurt and had lived with it for a long time, untreated. Don't know how many litters she's had, but at least one.
And now, after all that hard stuff...at about age 3, she's discovering how people like her, how life is fun...and every time I take her somewhere new for an adventure...it is so NEAT to watch how she is trusting me to protect her, and though she has some fears, she is just marching along and staying open to new stuff. It was amazing to be on the busy (I mean, hundreds of people walking there) mall the other night...crowded and boisterous and loud, and after a little jitters, she settled down under our cafe table and got through it just fun. Few children wanted to pat her and that went fine too. She's my HERO!
It has changed my life immeasurably to have this living creature to come home to. Worth every bit of cost and inconvenience.
She rescued ME.
love
Hops
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Hey Hops,
Glad to see you are still here. Sorry about problematic puppy. Puppy seems like your daughter is some ways. Tends to bite.
If you offer help to people who don't want it they bite. I have noticed this and I have the tendency to want to help because I can see the big picture. Wounded people and animals need to come to you in their own time. It might take a very long time.
For many reasons my daughter seemed to be in a rage at me. Some of it was parental alienation because of the naricissist ex husband. Some of it because I was so desperate for her love and heartbroken at the state of our miserable relationship. She found this really repellent.
At the same time I got a resuce cat who was in really bad shape after being mauled by dogs. She lived under my mattress for two weeks and came out when I was asleep. She used to be completely freaked out and any hand coming toward her was a fearful thing. She is still a bit scared and I know how to approach her, never from above.And don't do a lot of petting either. She llike to lay on my arm when I read and purr. She bites strangers. With a cat this is not such a problem. She is a wreck and probably alwars will be. She has been through a lot. I just accept her as she is. With daughters this is so much harder.
It is so painfo
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Yep, lighter's got the girls sorted out... it's H that's into making things blow up for the big screen!
Yes, I think there's a reunion gonna take place before school starts. H is gonna fly down and spend a couple days with them, help with the transition for the boys... who rightfully might have some trust issues. The little guy is doing good; sometimes we cross our fingers and count our blessings -- and don't go looking for trouble! Big brother is going to need some intense tutoring between now & HS. He's been in LD classes all through elementary school, and is several grade levels behind. Getting back into his "good" school for the next year or two is a great environment; lots of support.
Mama is back in classes - this time for EMT certification, and is still busy with meetings, counseling, work and classes. (Same stresses as before). But it's only 5 months to go, till she's qualified for a job with a bigger paycheck... I've been clear about helping with daycare and tutoring costs and she understands better, that this is a requirement. (There will be oversight for 6 months and family counseling, too).
I need H to refocus on herself and her life; I sure want to do the same for me. I might get my phase 1 "to-do" list done this year, around the house... and then I need to get out in the community: find where I fit in around here and can be useful.
Hops... LB sounds perfect and finishes off my mental image of your cottage, with flowers and pole beans and a rolly-silly beagle who loves to make you giggle... (I guess WE might bite too... being in unfamiliar circumstances and a little scared... what with our pasts... etc).
:D
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Thanks, Sea...your LUCKY cat is just that, and I'm so glad she's loving company for you.
Bravo for your patience and understanding.
I'm truly not experiencing LB as problematic -- she's pure delight.
The early nips were fear based and only in the house...she's been plucky and increasingly
accepting of strangers every time we venture out. I'm feeling that I can definitely keep
on living with her and enjoying her.
What blows me away about her is how willing she appears to be to move forward,
and leave her wounds behind. (I'm taking notes...)
There have been no more nips. There'll be tests of that, when I have more people come
over...but now I know what to do. I got instructed in my own boundary setting with her
and it's made a huge difference. She needed to learn that it's MY job to be protective
and that apart from burglars (or hopefully, deer--once I put in the dog door)...hers
is to be sociable. Or if not, to be calmly tethered to the piano (long leash and she
can reach her big soft bed) while I have company. It's not a big hassle.
I think once she gets to know regular visitors, she's fine. With one good friend,
there's no longer any need to leash her. It's obvious that they've become friends.
She's not a sad case or a tragedy. She's a reminder of what it's like to come back
and grab life and live it!
Sigh. Daughters...different. I went through another wave of grief yesterday,
unpacking some more memories as I sort some stuff. Hard to accept but I
am most days, able to reclaim my intention to be happy, have a meaningful
life...reach out, find other sources of love and connection.
I am terribly sorry for her, but the fierce wall she's put up can't be taken down
by anybody but her. And it may not happen. That's what I have to face, and
RE-face, in order to move forward. Release release release...
Lighter, sorry I got the girls mixed up but thanks much for the update.
It really does sound hopeful on so many levels. Where the hell would they
be without your support? I can't think about it. They are lucky, all of them.
muchly,
Hops
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sKep:
I hope H refocuses her attention on herself. That would be a relief.
A seems so very busy in the right direction.
If she can manage to juggle all the balls she's launching, please God let those achievements propel her to the next level of personal growth. Sometimes carving one's own niche is the very best of catalysts. I'll be crossing my legs and arms, eyes and fingers for A and her boys.
And Brava to you and your little beagle pal, Hops. It's a happy thing to picture unexpected beagle romping. She must have been so amazed to be pain free, and free to do things she probably can't remember being able to do..... and with her new protector/companion happily looking on. She likeluy feelsl the happiness and gratitude radiate from your every pore.....
just like you feel hers: )
It's a wonderful day on this thread.
I want to add that my mom's at MD Anderson receiving the very best of care right now. She started another round of treatment with the newly approved chemo....... her doc is one of the guys involved in R&D on that drug. It targets just the cancer cells, anddoesn't enter the bodie's healthy cells...... she won't lose any more hair, or have her immune system devastated is my understanding. I'm so hopeful!
Somehow, astonishingly I'm prepared for the new school year to begin. I don't know how with the move, and all the travel, and tending to other things, but there it is. I have only good things to report, and I'm going to get ready for bed on that note :D
Nite,
lighter
ps I found something important today I've been looking for the last 2 weeks! Whoo hoo!
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Lighter...WHAT MOVE? Yikes.
You have an amazing attitude toward your Mom's journey. I am awed.
And PR, I said "Lighter" when refocusing on your girls...jeez.
I
am
senile...
Sorry.
xoxo
Hops
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Hopsie this thread keeps getting me all tearful; it sounds like you and lovely pup are doing great things for each other and long may that continue!
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No worries, Hops!! My brain's been doing more of that lately. I need to go back & play some of my puzzle games again and get a massage. Hubs has pointed out that I've obsessed, been anxious & Mrs. Grumpypants ever since talking to my mom. And my brain has "shorts" in it. It's all part of the processing of that call. Another week, and I'll be rarin' to go again.
Lighter:
She started another round of treatment with the newly approved chemo....... her doc is one of the guys involved in R&D on that drug. It targets just the cancer cells, anddoesn't enter the bodie's healthy cells...... she won't lose any more hair, or have her immune system devastated is my understanding. I'm so hopeful!
NOW, someone's thinkin' with their dipstick!! I really hope this helps your mom. A drug to fix one problem shouldn't increase the risk of causing 15 more. It's about time someone thought of this.
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Hops:
Yup yup yup. A move at the beginning of summer. Still have to sort everything out, but not too worried about that right now, and.....
I mix up my own children's names a lot of the time: )
sKep:
My mom just received 2 more good pieces of news....
no need for another biopsy. They can do all necessary tests with blood samples at MD Anderson. That's great bc she's feeling pretty bad from MRI dye and chemo right now.
Also, her tumor markers dropped 70 points in a week. It's interesting bc her markers have always gone up, up, up, even when she was on chemo regime and Herceptin, and she's been off both of those for a good while.
I'm going to continue hoping her juicing regime 5X a day, metformin and the antifungal drug, thiabendozol, are helping along with nutrition/supplement support from wonderful homeopath. I remain hopeful her immune system can come back online.
Tupp:
Hop's update was wonderful, wasn't it?
::nodding::
Light
Recent info on METFORMIN/easy to understand/lots of studies represented
http://www.integrativeoncology-essentials.com/2013/02/metformin-supplementation-and-cancer-treatment-more-highlights-from-naturopathic-cancer-conference-oncanp/
Info on Thiabendozol
http://www.statesman.com/news/news/state-regional/old-anti-fungal-drug-could-have-new-use-in-treat-1/nRNdb/
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Dog and Dolphins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0xs428VJTw
Dog and Horse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlsJHKLshVk
Dog and Goats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jno9m1lCEI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY_v1Gr9Ao0
Just cute stuff
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Dog and Dolphins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0xs428VJTw
Dog and Horse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlsJHKLshVk
Dog and Goats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jno9m1lCEI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY_v1Gr9Ao0
Just cute stuff
Oh how cute! Nothing like animal vids to make you feel all mushy :) There was a lovely article in the paper the other day about a dog that got a little boy with Down's Syndrome to play with it, apparently the boy doesn't interact with people at all and is always alone, there were some lovely pics of the dog pawing at him and nuzzling him and eventually the little man put his arms around him and gave him a hug. Very restorative being around animals, I think!
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THANKS, Boat!
I can't get enough of them.
LB is thriving, and such a Downtown Dame.
She makes friends everywhere, still a little tense
with big groups but gets loads of pats...her face
attracts people. Had an older couple just melt over
her last night at an outdoor cafe downtown...ohh
I'm going to hate the cabin fever months!
She's still territorial in the house, but we're working on
it. Big test this evening when 6 noisy women from my
Covenant Group come for a meeting at my house. LB
will start the evening loudly objecting in the back bedroom
but I'll bring her out on-leash after a while...
OH. I had an extraordinary dream after a long evening
cuddling with LB. My old first dog, a huge yellow lab I
loved almost too much (she's his namesake in part)...
was lost in the big river. I was calling him, watching him
falter (based on a true event he mercifully survived)...
and feeling awful because I was too scared to plunge
into the current and save him, and because my voice was
so weak. I was devastated, weeping by the edge, when all
of a sudden the water beneath me was filled with a golden
light, I saw many beautiful fish going back and forth, and then
from deep in the depths, up he came straight to the surface,
and I grabbed him and hauled him out, crying--he's alive!--
he was paler, and thinner, but he plopped down and I was
holding him in joy, and he gave this "huff" noise that was
EXACTLY as he sounded in life...and I woke.
The dream blew me away. I interpret it this way:
--LB's daily love and especially her yearning for full-body
touch and affection have been peeling away a kind of
shell I've grown around my heart during recent years of loss
--My fear and weakness and sorrow that I couldn't rescue
my old dog (like my D) were real, and
--Some beautiful, spiritual force saved him -- and when
he came to me, he rescued ME. (Exactly how I feel about LB.)
Didn't do it justice but that dream was a gift, one of those
major-dream events.
xo
Hops
Wish us luck!
xo
L
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How is LB settling in, Hops? Is she expanding her range of what she'll tolerate as "normal and acceptable"?
The weekend before Halloween, Raleigh said goodbye to us, and died in the night. H & her fiancee M were here and they helped a lot. It was Sunday, when he obviously couldn't get comfortable anywhere. Hubs had gone out - an exception to routine - that day and I thought perhaps it was having company and that "lost" member of his herd and routine that just made him anxious. But by that evening, it was pretty clear that he was simply miserable and his breathing was ragged. M said we should get him to the vet in the morning and volunteered to help; giving up a day of fishing. Raleigh hated going to the vet.
We got him to bed, and he seemed more comfy -- said goodnight and tucked us in -- and moved to the living room. It must not have been long after that, like he signed off his last job and that's where I found him the next morning. He was 13. He didn't want to be a problem or upset me. When we sat with him petting him, trying to get him to relax - he just leaned right up against my leg and gave me a look, like "thanks, mom"... (I'm still weepy over the old mutt...)
Our old, raggedy "used" cat - Caffiene - who was H's cat until she couldn't keep her, is still kicking. She's 17 or 18 now. It's clear she's having some more trouble with her stomach - she's always been sensitive, so I'm primed to keep making sure she's still breathing. Raleigh was tough. H's bloody mary's for us "planters" notwithstanding. I still miss him, his bark... being under foot in the kitchen and right at the door, if we go outside side.
And my feral cat - the m'eow-m'eow - is trying to take over as the "guard dog". And clown, too. She'll need a playmate after Caffiene goes, because already, she's sleeping where the dog always slept. She's only 5 or 6.
In so many ways, this dog was my interface, excuse, and relief from being overwhelmed by larger groups of people or strangers. Even, sometimes, between hubs and I. Oops - sorry I can't stay at the party - the dog will have to be left out. Oh, we can't travel overnight - the dog can't travel comfortably anymore, and he's too old to board and not used to it... I guess now, I either have to decline out of lack of interest honestly (but diplomatically)... keep showing people my hermit card... or just go try some of these things and leave open the space for maybe, possibly, having some fun.
Raleigh was supposed to be hubs' dog. I was the one who took care of him - except, after we moved - a couple years later, I convinced hubs he could feed him, in the morning. I feel like I end up taking care of every (thing), (one) else... and the favor isn't returned much. Coming down with a cold this morning - so naturally whiny & weepy anyway. Figured I'd touch base and tell you what was up down here. Since this was a doggy thread & all...
I'm OK. I just miss him a lot.
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My heart goes out to you, Skep...losing a pet is so hard.
The most unconditional of unconditional love.
May your grief be gentle.
LB is developing a big personality and really enjoying life.
xo
Hops
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The weekend before Halloween, Raleigh said goodbye to us, and died in the night.
I'm OK. I just miss him a lot.
(((sKep)))
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Glad to hear LB's blossoming! I knew just how rough it was for old Raleigh to keep going, as long as he did. I tried to talk to the vet about "end of life" plans... but they just wouldn't go there. Keep treating symptoms... and he'll be fine, seemed to be their philosophy. I was just trying to be realistic, because he's always been overweight for his size (full size golden retreiver body on the large version cocker spaniel legs made him a 3/4 sized golden...) and try as we might, there was only so much more weight he could lose (and 10 lbs of that was his wooly coat!!). We tried pain pills finally for his back legs... and I did my best to suggest that perhaps it was ALL a strength issue. I could watch him standing at the bottom of steps trying to remember how to go up them.
The night before - he was as normal as could be. So it was quick. He told me with his actions - and because of everyone's schedule that day - I spent most of his last day with him, alone... commiserating with his discomfort; and trying to comfort him as best I could. Poor buddy...
so it'll be a while before we get another dog; but there will be another dog! ;) Yesterday, we went out, knocking around some of our favorite beach shops, doing some creative research on future projects... and we didn't have to worry about getting home in time to let him out before he couldn't hold it anymore.
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Aww, bless him.
He was lucky to be so loved, and you lucky to have that unconditional heart in the house.
"Rainbow bridge" always strikes me as so treacly...but I know they stay with us even after they go.
They're THAT loving. (They know we always needed them more than they needed us.)
(((((((((((Raleigh)))))))))))
((((((((((((PR)))))))))))))))
Hops and LB
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Thanks Hops.
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Hey Hops,
Just read through your thread and about your little dog :) So glad she has worked out - it is hard to teach a dog when there are set in habits sometimes. But even dogs who are part of the family can create bad habits - our Henry did when my husband was deployed and we got busy and weren't paying enough attention to him! I had to go read a ton of articles and follow the steps to get him back to behaving! We have a second dog now - a Frenchie. When we first got him, they did pretty well together. Over the years we had them together we did have some issues, but we socialized both pretty well - as it sounds you are doing! You need to post some pics!!!!! We just lost our Henry a month ago. He was my first dog and my baby. He had a good life and we loved him so much. The dogs add so much to my life. They love you no matter what. I go home every day after work and my Gizmo sits in my lap for a while and he's so darned excited to see me :)
Love hearing the stories! So happy for you...
I also see you D situation is not better :( I hope you are somewhat at peace. Remember you can only own/control so much and the rest you need to let go. I am trying to do this as well.
xxxxoooo Beth
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How is LB?
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Hi, Boat, thanks for asking!
She has serious cabin fever and is NOT fond of the polar vortex.
She's goes outside reluctantly to do her bidness.
Picks up her feet and glares at me like, "Why have you frozen the ground?"
But in the cuddling dept., she's a champ, and I know we'll make it to spring together.
Any pets where you are?
Hope you're not freezing too....
love
Hops
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:? nah I wouldn't think that most creatures should like polar vortexes apart from penguins and white bears
It's been mild here, I've been wearing a single pair of jeans or leggings with tunics :) And a knit loop scarf, a hat that I made and a thin-ish jacket over a sweater or polar fleece.
IF it was really cold it would be doing leggings under pants, multiple pairs of socks at the same time. Multiple mittens at the same time. I've done all that before, even two hats. Not sexy at all :)
I'm just pretending it's spring, wearing floral stuff with long sleeved shirts under.
Dog torture booties, an acquaintance of mine got her dog trained to wear those in the winter :)
My roommate has a Rottweiler and mutt downstairs, they pretty much have a whole living room to themselves the room they live in has no real human furniture etc. It's kind of redneck. I would leave them in the garage personally. Gave them a bit of hotdog tonight. They are okay, we haven't bonded or anything I am just a possible hand out provider.
They also don't get baths very often (possibly never) so I generally just stay away but they are cool for the most part. I'm allergic so it's not that much fun. I pet them on occasion, the gray mutt likes to chase sticks but sometimes gets skittish (was told she was a rescue). The mutt is pretty sly and sensitive. I would probably offer to attempt at walking them but I kind of let my room mate take care of that and not get involved. I think they are funny to watch sleep the gray mutt will lay there on her side with her legs sticking straight out and her eye balls will look at me but her body is just stuck there. The Rott snores really loud I can hear it on the second floor of the house.