Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: finding peace on July 23, 2013, 11:53:25 PM
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Had a subdural hematoma (aka brain bleed)
Was med vacced to Hospital of University of Penn from my local hosp.
Best neurology unit in the world
Very, very close to dying - would have died had I not been co-optered to U of P
Had a 50/50 chance of living - turned out I was on the lucky side of 50
My H did this........... after breaking my ribs
My heart is breaking
Know what I need help with?
I feel sorry for him
Am in excruciating pain
And yet, still feel bad for him
Please, please give me a reality check
I feel bad for him..... I know he can't handle my pain because of his pain.... I know this.... and yet I am in agony .... help me please
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Finding Peace - I am so sorry you have been so unwell but so glad you have pulled through. I truly believe things happen for a reason - perhaps you've come through this because you deserve a second chance at a normal, healthy, happy life.
Feeling sorry for abusers is very common. It's part of the cycle of abuse; it's what makes us keep going back for more and it's how they manipulate us into doing what they want instead of making healthy choices.
Are there domestic abuse groups you can contact for support, advice, counselling? In the UK we have things like Women's Aid and Victim Support. Is there something similar for you?
I think understanding why you feel the way you do is key to breaking free from it. It takes time and I'm guessing you have physical healing to do as well as emotional.
In the meantime, no contact is essential. Are the police involved, is he being prosecuted? xx
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Peace,
For your own sake and safety, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get away from your abuser! Call a Hotline! Get to a House of Ruth! GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION.....PLEASE!!!!
I know my communication is based on emotions so I may not sound rational. A friend of mine, who I have known since BEFORE she was born...who I held in my arms as a newborn 33 years ago....was beaten to death by someone who professed to love her!!!! PLEASE DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bones
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Peace,
I am SOOOO sorry to hear this. I am afraid FOR YOU.
You are right, that he has his own pain... but please, ask yourself this question:
With all the pain you're going through right now, would you almost kill someone because of it? I don't think you would.
You do not have some magic powers to relieve his pain; you do not hold the key to helping him sort out his puzzle, solve the mystery, make him all better. No one can, except himself - but instead of doing that - he chooses to "feel better" in the present moment by hurting someone else and trying to release his pain -- by physically harming someone else. There will be a next time; no matter promises are spoken.
Only YOU can decide to save yourself. But, don't you have kids? Don't you have a responsibility to protect them, too? PLEASE: you need to save yourself FIRST, to be able to save the kids. Do whatever it takes. Do it right NOW and do not stop to do anything else first.
Everything else, will come after that first step and you will have plenty of help with that. Just take the very first step.
We love you and know that there is never, ever a time that love expresses itself like this. You are in grave danger - no matter what he says now - and you HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP YOU, WHERE YOU ARE.
Didn't your doctor ask you what happened? Did you tell him or her? He or she can help you take that first step.
(My screen name was PR...)
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Dear finding peace,
The first thing you must do is find safety and take care of yourself. Then listen to all the fine advice from the posters on this board. You’re worth it and you deserve it.
Thinking of you,
Richard
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Peace, that place you got to before...when you posted here about his abusiveness and how you loved him despite that...
remember that post? Please, go re-read that.
Nothing has changed.
Except it's worse.
And if you can't find that grain of strength within yourself to leave him now, you MUST appeal to authorities to help
you do it. Prosecution (I hope that's inevitable, as police must report, and not left to you.) Restraining order.
Moving away with no forwarding address.
Even though you are willing to wish death on yourself because of a twisted idea of what love is, I do not believe
and never would...that you are willing to wish your children to lose their mother.
Whether it's an epiphany that you, in fact, are NOT "assigned" the job of being loyal to someone who's willing
to kill you--or an epiphany that you are nearly killing your own children by not deciding and following through...
Please, save yourself. AND them.
That's the reality, dear Peace.
And delivered with love.
Please keep posting, let us know.
Much strength, or just enough--either will do!
love to you, and healing, and the first steps back to sanity--
Hops
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Peace,
The only chance he has of getting help and dealing with his own pain, is if you stop taking his pain onto you. You are right. You are seeing his pain. You arent imagining it. But you have the wrong solution. It takes a lot of TRUE caring to let someone go, to let them face the consequences of their own choices, when it seems easier to protect them. You have to face the fact that by letting him continue to punch you, you are standing in the way of whatever hope he might have. He may never get better. Ever. But for as long as you are there to deflect his own pain onto, there is no chance at all. What I see from your post is that you think you are more concerned for him than you are for yourself. If you truly are, you will let him go--let him face FINALLY the consequences of ignoring and not dealing with his own pain.
We who are empathetic are aware that we see things that others dont. Sometimes we think that means that we are also wiser than others to the solutions. We need to recognize where our TRUE gifts lie, and where they dont. Because you see his pain, you think you see what he needs. You think that he needs to know that you will love him no matter what he does, that you will stay with him no matter what he does. You know what it is like to be abandoned, and you dont want him to feel abandoned.
What you dont know is that the thing you can do for him that will show the most love, is to let him go. To keep offering yourself as his punching bag is to let him (and you) think that he can displace his deep, unacknowledged pain onto you, and that will make it better. It wont. If he kills you, you will have taken all the pain he can give, and he will still be right where he is now. The ONLY hope he has of getting better, is without you.
Can you do it? Can you have the strength to walk away from him, to prosecute him, so he will have to face his own demons? If you go back, you will have a brief "honeymoon" period, but it wont last. Your suffering will not heal him. This is his own private journey and it is time for him to walk it alone. It is time, Peace. Let him go.
CB
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P.S. Peace,
Please get better. I miss you. I don't want you to die. And I don't think you want to die either. I think you are in pain. Reach past the pain to the part of you that wants to live. Come back.
Love
CB
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While under, I had some hallucinations, but other than that most of it was a total blank - completely lost 2+ weeks of my life - I am so very tired of life, I really want that total blank again...
I now have short-term memory problems, balance problems, vision problems....
You all are wonderful - thank you so much. Am so very, very tired.
Am not making much sense - sorry, need to calm down - can't post legibly right now.
Within the blank... did you feel like you were cupped in the arms of some great comfort? That it was OK to put down all your worries, wishes, hopes, to-do lists, the expectations of others... and simply let yourself be taken care of?
I hope so, because that place is real and it helps, at times like you're going through Peace, to remember that place. It's through that place, that you can heal, really rest and gain re-freshment, and find and take up your true inner strength (which sometimes also comes through gallons of tears)... to do what you have to do, to save yourself and your kids. That's the place where I think the "real us" lives.
Sounds like you're not quite ready to take any action yet. OK. You've already been through so much and it sounds like you're still recovering from the injuries. I get that you don't feel like you can do one single thing right now. You poor dear! You're right, you know. But it doesn't take any more energy to make a phone call to your doctor, a woman's shelter, or even the police to tell someone who can help you - because you NEED help right now while you're getting well and getting your strength back. Someone who can keep track of all the to-do list, the details, and help you care for yourself and your kids until you're fully recovered. It doesn't take any more energy to make that call, than it does to post to us -- and that's help that can be there in person within minutes. Surely, your doctor asked what happened, right?
Please get help to leave him.
As to the balance, memory and vision problems... these will get better, if you're properly cared for. But you DO NEED someone to look after the things you normally do... and you, too... until that time. Each person is different in how quickly they recover, but I know from experience that additional stress - of any flavor - slows down the process. So, keep it simple - one thing at a time. The big questions, the "why" questions... those aren't going anywhere. You'll get around to working through them. But you have immediate needs:
Thing #1 - call in some help to help you leave and be in a safe place to recover. We need a "report" from you that this is accomplished before we move on to Thing #2.
You're going to be all right, Peace. There's nothing "wrong" with you; not the you I remember from when I needed help. It's just your turn to let people help you.
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((((((((Peace))))))))))
You can heal from this. The beauty of blank is okay if the blank is rest, all the rest and time you need to heal.
The blank of death isn't beautiful, it's forever, and destroys hope.
Don't mix them up, honey.
Your beautiful heart is going to beat strongly again, and your mind is going to become more clear, and your courage to live will come forward. That is what healing organisms do. Let nature work with you.
This is what the universe wants you to do...not just survive, but thrive. And make a different world for yourself and your children.
One thing at a time. Get well. And please...don't add beating up yourself to what you've already been through. His problems belong to him now. That is right.
It is not your job to make him well. As your thoughts keep returning to the same old groove of pity for him, gently redirect your mind...try to think: I feel compassion for myself. I am no less a person. I deserve love as much as any human being. I deserve peace.
Finding Peace--please listen to the child inside you, who wants to live, and grow, and feel the wonder of life again. She's there--as real as the weary adult exterior you--and if you give her a chance, she'll survive. And become someone just amazing.
love,
Hops
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(((((Finding Peace:)))))))
You're husband is broken. He can't be fixed. No matter how much he loves you, or you love him......
he's broken in a way that won't allow you to be with him any longer.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
This is a very difficult reality to come to grips with, but you can't pretend it's not the truth any more.
You're still here, and you're this wonderful person who can be OK on her own, and find other people to love again.
How strong you must be to hope and wish and try so hard so long for your husband?
You can use that strength for yourself now. To accept the truth, choose yourself, recover and make the life you've always deserved, but put on hold out of compassion and love.
Time to turn some of that compassion and love into self-care.....
time to let the thoughts about your h just float by, don't latch on to them, turning your focus back to yourself..... gently. Mindfully. Don't beat yourself up, this is going to take some getting used to.
Now.....
What do YOU need?
It's your turn now.
Please know the emotional pain is a messenger. You need to hear what it has to say in order to move through and beyond it.
Don't be afraid. This is your journey, and we're holding you in our thoughts and prayers. ::gather wood for the fire::
Lighter
You have permission to just let go of the WHY questions....... it doesn't matter why your h is broken, or can't understand or make connections anymore. It's done.
You can let go of your need to help him KNOW and UNDERSTAND, bc you tried your best, as long as you possible could, and now you know you can't save him.
The only one you truly can save is yourself.
You have permission to not worry about your h's journey anymore.
It's your journey to spend your gifts, forgiveness, and healing compassion on yourself.
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Peace, I think it is hard to heal sometimes, we get so used to being the way we were that changing is difficult. But it is possible. At really difficult times I have just focused on getting through the next ten minutes - not worrying about before or after but just keeping it simple and concentrating on me. Even that is hard, we're so conditioned to put others before ourselves no matter how much it hurts us. But it can be done, and as you know this board is such a great source of comfort and support, keep posting, you are in my thoughts. xx
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Hey you all, love you so, so much :) trying to put a happy face on.
You don't have to pretend life is all rainbows and bunnies and ice cream, for us. We know it's not like that, all the time.
We can walk those darker paths, right along side of ya and hold your hand.
You did that for us, remember? We will return the favor.
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How are you today, (((((Peace)))))?
Are you still hospitalized? How is your body healing?
When you go home, will you be on your own, with kids?
Who will step in to help you?
Hope you'll share about support and resources for you,
none too small. No steps are too small either.
Thinking of you.
with love,
Hops
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Peace:
You don't have to put on a happy face for anyone on this board.
We've all walked similar paths as you.
Not the exact same.
Familiar.
Your job can simply be to learn new coping strategies, boundaries, problem solving skills.... how to survive, heal and grow. As you do this you'll be modeling it for your children. I can see very clearly how you all deserve that.
THAT's a path you can mindfully choose for yourself.
It's the board member's honor to share what we've learned.
It's why we come here.
You have such an amazing spirit, (((Peace)))....
For us, teaching/sharing hard won lessons is the next step in learning, and we're so glad you're back: )
Lighter
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How are you, Peace? Thinking of you today and wishing I could package up some "peace" to give you. I agree with everyone who has written in the last couple of days. You don't have to put a happy face on, or try to be upbeat. We will listen and care for you even if you arent upbeat. Although sometimes watching something really funny helps me even when I feel terrible. If I were there, we would watch some stupid cat video on youtube. That always makes me forget how bad I hurt--even if just for a minute. Like an aspirin for the soul.
Let us know how you are,
CB
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Peace:
I know you're exhausted, in pain, and contantly overwhelmed.
Please remember we're thinking of you, and listening when you need to reach out.
Lighter
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Dearest FP
I just cannot believe what some people have to endure just to get through life. I include myself, yu and many others on this Forum.
I cannot believe the choices we make and I am positive now that if we cannot learn some wonderful lessons from our parents, we are on our own. There is no God watching over and protecting us-- my newly developed opinion, with my own experiences.)
I have been through similar to you, then 2 car crashes, then one after another that I cannot keep track and right now
:I do not know what to do:
I just recently realized that the choices were mine----not what _god_ set out for me, and I have basically been taking the road always travelled. Well now for a change. *I* will look after me, and not depend ion ANYONE else and travel my own road.
I know not what else to say.
Best of Luck
xx
Izzy
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Hi Peace... how're ya doin?
Getting better, I hope.
Been thinkin' about ya!
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I am so sorry this happened to you. No one ever deserves this kind of abuse EVER. No one. No dog, No cat, No child. And certainly not a woman. NEVER. No matter what you did or mistakenly think you did to deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it. I used to get beaten up by a man I loved more than myself and more than life. I could not stop loving him no matter what happened.
It has taken me decades to begin to understand it.
For some women like me we are trauma bonded with our lovers. This means that when someone hurts us, instead of getting away as soon as possible we are HOOKED. It is like being addicted to heroin or smack. Nothing anyone can say seems to penetrate the connection between the man who hurts us and our hearts. On top of that is the humiliation of still wanting them 100 percent no matter what they do to us. Sometimes when the beating was really bad I was like a beaten dog and I would go with anyone who could give me even a morsel of love and it was always him. So we spiralled into hell.
I am good at keeping up appearances and looked ok on the surface. But this was like a death dance.
I have learned that is being trauma bonded. The reason I was trauma bonded is because as a child I had to love my parents no matter what.
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Dear Peace,
You don't have to put on a happy face. The journey of finding people who don't require a happy face is just beginning for you. Find people it is ok to cry with. They are rare and good. Those tears honored by someone who cares will carry you to a new place you didn't even believe was there.
Rant, rave, cry and do it in OPERA if you want. This is a safe place. No one will say it is wrong to feel. You sound like a woman who needs the help of other women who care.
Many blessings to you.
Sea Storm
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Hi Peace--
I don't know if you're able to be online.
We'll be here when you are able to.
And despite our urgings, nobody's going to judge you for anything.
Love and hoping to hear back from you when you can,
Hops
PS--(((((Sea Storm))))), that was amazing. Thank you.
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Hiya Peace...
How are you doing this week? Inquiring (caring) minds want to know!
Big hugs...
Amber
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Peace:
Where are you now?
Are you back home?
Lighter
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(((Peace)))
I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Rest and heal. We are here for you. Come back and talk when your ready. Your not alone.