Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mudpuppy on November 13, 2013, 03:27:12 PM
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My perfect wife passed away a couple of weeks ago.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. Did chemo in 2006 and was in remission for 4 1/2 years. It came back in 2011 and she went on palliative chemo two years ago.
Seemed to be holding her own but things quickly overwhelmed her about a month ago and she stopped breathing as I held her hand at 3:45PM, Nov 1st.
Thanks to everyone here who listened to my stories of her over the years.
She'll always be my angel of the first degree...
mud
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Oh Mud :cry:
tt
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Dear Mud,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Is there someplace (charity/foundation/cancer research organization) I can send a contribution/donation to in order to honor your wife and your love for her? If so, please let me know, either here or by personal message.
Richard
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As you have been a brother angel to me, and I imagine so many others, Mud.
I am so very sorry. There are no words that can suffice.
Light and constant love,
Hops
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Doc G,
My wife always liked contributing to St Jude's Children's Hospital.
mud
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Mud, I am so sorry to read this, and so sorry for your loss. You obviously loved each other very much. Please know that I am thinking of you.
Twoapenny xx
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My perfect wife passed away a couple of weeks ago.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. Did chemo in 2006 and was in remission for 4 1/2 years. It came back in 2011 and she went on palliative chemo two years ago.
Seemed to be holding her own but things quickly overwhelmed her about a month ago and she stopped breathing as I held her hand at 3:45PM, Nov 1st.
Thanks to everyone here who listened to my stories of her over the years.
She'll always be my angel of the first degree...
mud
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mud)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry. :(
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I am so sorry for your loss Mud. I'm not on the board much and don't know the people here well but one thing that was very apparent to me was how much you love your wife and how much she love you. I hope the love and memories you two have shared together bring you comfort. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and everyone that loved her. She must have been a very special person.
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Oh, mud, I am so sorry. I have always adored you and wished for your wife to be cancer free so you two could be together. How are you doing? Is your grief terrible? Do you have children - I forget your family make up. What is your support now?
You are such a wonderful and loving husband. I know she lived, and died, in comfort and happiness. I am sure her only regret was leaving you.
Sending you so much love and sweet memories.
Beth
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OH MUD... I'm so sorry. I saw Lighter's note awhile back and wondered...
We'll gladly accept you in the circle of Amazons, with our bonfire, and just hold you as long as needed.
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((((Mud))))
I'm so sorry you lost your angel.
Lighter
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Mudpuppy,
I really hope you are doing ok this Christmas and all the time. How blessed you were to have your sweet wife and to know such love.
Words can't convey what is needed but I send you love and hope that you are healing from the loss of your wife.
Sea Storm
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Mud, you have been such an encouragement - and I eagerly look forward to your posts. I'm so sorry that she declined so quickly. May you be blessed with friends who will share your loss with you without speaking. May you be blessed with friends who will pray for you. May you find comfort in the great faith you both have.
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Thanks to everyone's kind remarks.
Jan 1st was two months and I guess now I need to get started trying to live again and begin looking forward, rather than back, especially since it's the start of a new year.
mud
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Mud, I don't come to the board much at all anymore. I just thought I'd pop in to see if I saw any posts from old acquaintances. I just read this and am saddened by your loss. I think I was reading of your fight for a lot of the time I was on the board even before I was diagnosed with cancer myself!!
I go in for surgery on the 17th up at Mayo. Another attempt to beat this cancer! I will take prayers from you!!
I, again, am so sorry for your loss!!
Kelly
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Same here (((((Mud))))).
I just happened to peak in here for the first time in ages and I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss.
I'm glad you posted here to let us know. That's a good plan….look forward…..it's a new year….yes! Good stuff!
What else can a person do to move on? And we must move on…….or otherwise stay still eh? (otherwise known as stuck……stagnant…….not your way,
or your wish, I bet, or would it be your wife's wish either? Not).
May you go on with a peaceful heart and positive energy and so many wonderful memories to carry you through.
Sela
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Mud:
If you feel like putting the pieces back together, then it's time.
S would certainly want you to move forward, and be happy.
You know she would.
Light
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Thanks Sela, Overcomer and lighter.
It gets a little, almost imperceptibly, easier every day, but she still never leaves my mind, either front and center or as a kind of background radiation.
Hope there is somebody out there, not necessarily like her, but equivalent to her.
mud
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Dear Mud......I have no words to express my sadness for your loss....Your Dearest one is with you always....Love and Light Moonlight
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Well Mud, all one can do is hope. Glad you have not lost yours. That's a good thing.
I love this little poem:
“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson
Moonlight!!! Good to see you're still around!! 8)
Sela
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I don't know about moving forward. i don't think it is such a good idea after a loss so great. Just let it be whatever it is. Expecting that you need to move on is a tall order for your recent loss.
I hope you have compassion for whatever you feel for a long time. You know the stages of grief. Not for the feint of heart to ride them out. Hard journey.
Blessings,
Sea storm
For some reason I am kind of worried about you.
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I don't think there are any tidy stages of grief. You get tossed into a washing machine of fairly random cycles and duration and every person has their own machine with its own settings. Some people are out and functioning in a month. Others never get out and maybe don't even want to; they hold the door from the inside if somebody tries to open it for them.
Everybody else is in some middle ground waiting for the next spin cycle to come on and knock them off their feet again until they can finally get out and breathe again, although they're pretty wobbly and shaking the water out of their ears and the soap out of their eyes for a long time.
mud
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Dear Mud,
Never heard a better analogy of what it's like to grieve. It has its own time frame and as you said, it's different for each individual. Hearing your analogy makes me believe that you're aware and as prepared as you can be for its manifest twists and turns. Time is your friend, but in the dark times it feels like your enemy.
tt
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Mud:
You know where we are when you need to share the sadness, or how it feels to begin feeling better.
In the meantime, I hope you're breathing in the Spring air, and taking notice of the world again.
I know everything stops when you enter the struggle you've gone through. The world passes you by, and you get used to letting it.
It's OK to enter back into the world.... S would want you to.
lighter
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Kind of beautiful that real love goes so deep. C S Lewis writes that it is the price he is willing to pay.
Love is so important to thriving.
Good to hear you again Mudpuppy. Mudpuppy is such a good name. That you can even talk about life renewing itself and having the handle on the iinside that you can control to let others in sounds really positive for letting love in. Too much suffering destroys a person physically, mentally, spiritually. Yesterday someone told me that the brain does not know the difference between physical and mental pain. And that aspirin helps for both. To break the cycle and the stuckness. I don't know but it sounds interesting.
If someone got their leg lopped off people would rush to help and do everything possible. For broken heart, not so much. Nevertheless, Love BIG. If it comes along and you feel that oceanic, moon tugging, heart racing feeling just throw yourself off the cliff. Or maybe its different. Love is just is like a little bird that surprises you at your birdfeeder and you feel delighted at its spirit. The movies don't portray it much. Just the sex part and it is so much more.
I don't get moving on. It took me a year to be able to take me face off the ground and look up when my partner died. It is probably different if you had a partner who was a good person,loyal, kind, honest etc.
A
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Hmmm not done yet. ..... Sure makes me think.
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It is probably different if you had a partner who was a good person,loyal, kind, honest etc.
I sometimes half seriously wish she hadn't been so perfect so I wouldn't miss her so much.
Since she was perfect and made me perfectly happy I have to hope somewhere is another perfect girl like her, willing to take a chance on a very imperfect guy. Otherwise what's the point of it all?
mud
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What's the point of it all ????????? You are a ittle sad old friend.
Mudpuppy.
You will definately find love again. It will be different but unimaginablly wonderful.
There is a little snail sitting beside my lamp. It's beautifully carved and old. He has his head out of his shell and has very long antennae. He can go back in his shell any time of course.
Besides you have the art of encourging women to ruffle their feathers in a lovely way. No kidding. There is flock of females here who just love to hear from you and want to know what you think and feel. Look at Walter Mathau. He was so imperfect and so adorable. Its just so bleak and hard to be alone if you aren't used to it. It is like eating rust. Someone told me that and its true. I am not good at it. But getting there. It doesn't hurt to be alone now.
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((((((((((((Mudpuppy))))))))))))))
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Despite the anguish, Mud, might be too soon to be worrying about a replacement mate.
You have to heal first, and then see what the new shape is in you for a partner.
And that should take a while. Don't rush it. But DO make seek find good friends...
Are you seeing people, all sorts, plenty? Any risk of you self-isolating now?
I wish I could be there to drag you out for pizza and rambling yak.
Hops
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Just read about a study of people in grief and some were largely over the grief in a month some in 6, some in a year and some never.
The one thing above all I learned in going through all this is, one size fits no one and what is right for one person is disastrous for another.
For some people the best healing is someone new to love. For others they'll never love anyone else again.
Some people ball up in a cave; others go every place they can.
Like a hot stove, the person going through it usually knows what hurts to touch and what doesn't.
No criticism intended of anyone; only that except for that initial pain when you can't usually function well enough to hurt yourself anyway, grief doesn't really take your common sense away; it just hurts.
If a person becomes clinically depressed for an extended period or can't get over the magical thinking then they need an intervention. For the rest of us it's just like the rest of life; you make mistakes, you make good decisions, you just do it all a lot sadder for some indeterminate period that we seem have little control over.
mud
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Wise words Mudpuppy.
Blessings to you. Good to hear from you.
Sea Storm
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Sometimes it seems like we are all in a big trance that is lead by science. In the olden days women would become budhist nuns and feel the grief for the rest of their lives and do a walking chant to alleviate the pain of loss. In Wuthering Heights there was that monster love that captures a person completely. Just like some people don't cheat on their spouses because they love them more each year and don't throw them away like a used car.
I find it hard to find love and it just does not happen.Other things fill my life. Other kinds of love that are very rich. I think its good for me.
I told my realtor that maybe I need to find a husband as they are so handy and he said,
Oh Jeez then your troubles have really begun.
He is pretty smart so it reinforces my belief that I need to learn to be happy by myself in this lifetime. I didn't think I could do it but I am getting their.
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So (((((((((((((Mud)))))))))))...
are husbands really handy or is that a myth?
Can one discover this with third husband?
Wanna be my third husband in a year or so?
Irreverently,
Hops
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Dear Mud,
This is worth every word even though long...because of the end.
(No skipping ahead!)
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/02/17/140217fa_fact_angell?currentPage=all&src=longreads (http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/02/17/140217fa_fact_angell?currentPage=all&src=longreads)
Hope it comforts,
Hops
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I read the article and was so touched by it and excited. It really is exciting to listen to someone so honest, funny, intelligent and alive. I would marry him. The thing about sexuality with people who are older is that they need to turn out the light. That is it. Who cares about the sagging skin. After getting used to each other, then the light can come back on. There is still fire and passion.
I would marry that guy. What bliss to talk with him and how lovely he is. He knows how to love.
I think Mudpuppy is a lot like this guy. I also think it is a great idea for Hops and Mud to meet.Preferably in a grand old hotel somewhere. If they don't have the money we could take up a collection. And Hops is perfect. We ALL know that. Perfectly kind and honest and open and brave. Plus she is religious and a bit churchy and I think Mud is probably that way too. Staunch, sterling, reverent and life loving.
I know this is rather bold of me but there is no one going to be flogged.
Please don't take this as advice, it is just a wonderful experiment and a flight of faith and fancy.
On second thought... take it as advice.
Lots of love,
Sea
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Oh, silly Sea....very kind but I was totally joshing.
Trying (ill-advisdedly) to cheer up Bro' Mud.
I'm old enough to be his momma, likely!
But thank you for sharing the silliness.
(Sorry Mud...no offense meant. And I do hope you
read that wonderful article.)
Hops
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Any new prospect is going to be a good ten years younger than me and will have to pass a thorough and rigorous physical. I can't eliminate the chance of going through that again but I can minimize it. I am joking....well half joking anyway....well a quarter.....
I did read it and sent you a PM Hops.
mud
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Mudpuppy,
Goodness. Next partner is going to be ten years younger. Just a little heads up on that one. It is not a guarantee of good health. Better to get genetic screening or something like that. Apparently, you can learn a lot though heredity if you are astute enough.
My ex had Porphyria. Looking back it is quite clear what his symptoms meant but it was not diagnosed. He was younger than me. I doubt anyone knew about his father or grandfather who had it too.
I feel very sorry for you, Mud. Grieving is very hard work. Very tiring, painful and time consuming. I send you kind thoughts and hope you take time to do nice things for yourself and connect with people who care about you.
Sea
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Just a little heads up on that one. It is not a guarantee of good health.
Well, since my wife was five years younger than I am now when she was diagnosed, and the docs told us it had started as much as eight years before she was even diagnosed, my head is already elevated, which is why I said;
I can't eliminate the chance of going through that again but I can minimize it.
Just trying to reduce the odds. Can't do any more than that.
Yesterday would have been her birthday. Went up to her grave for a while. Not a good morning, but the afternoon was a little better.
mud
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Sorry for your loss Mudpuppy,
These anniversaries, birthdays and holidays seem to bring the loss very close. Blessings to you.
So hard to know what to say to comfort you.
Sea