Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on August 09, 2014, 11:10:20 PM
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Been away for a while. Been wasting a lot of time on my computer still though. Working full time. I don't have much to say. Probably I do have something to write about but I feel guarded.
lots of distraction activities, been spending a lot of time in computer "chats" shrug ... I tell myself that I shouldn't be and then I also just say oh well... don't judge it
This might be the longest span of time that I haven't seen my mother or really conversed with her. There might be an email from her but I haven't checked my personal email for idk month(s)
I just feel like I am getting old
A completely morbid focus at the moment is that I am reading about the psychology of Hitler, there is a question that people ask ( Was he Mentally Ill OR was he EVIL)
on some level I shouldn't ask or maybe focus on gruesome stuff, it's not popular to be real
I read that lots of the children who survived the holocaust experience developed emotional problems etc. and....ugh this isn't a post that I will want to follow up with
I wonder what makes people "evil"
I guess Hitler and his "half niece" lived together and she killed herself
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There are several who have drifted back in recent months Garbanzo. Welcome back.
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Really glad to hear, you (((((((((((Boat))))))))).
I also get fascinated with some dark subjects, always have.
Currently watching the series Manhattan, before that The Assets,
and even read some about Eva Braun the other day (my mother
shared her hairdresser after the woman moved to the U.S.).
Maybe it's appealing in the "I think I got problems, but..."
kind of way? I always loved good mysteries and thrillers, too.
You feeling the Dog Days of August? Tends to weigh folks down.
I love summer most. The heat, wearing less clothes, all fine
by me...
xo
Hops
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Hi G, good to see you back :) xx
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Thanks guys for welcome
Heh, small world Hops.. the hair-dresser connection.. reminds me of that idea about 7 degrees of separation or whatnot.. I work with a guy who moved from England to usa, he was on tour with his band, he met a girl hear who is the daughter of a lead singer in a known band.. got married to her.. now he is on tour with his father-in-law.... my brother was a hair-dresser and he cut the hair of the guitar player in that band that my co-worker is going on tour with...
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Hi Garbanzo... this, hit me like a ton o' bricks... I can, relate:
it's not popular to be real
Can I riff on that a bit? Nothing personal, really - just the observation that now, more than ever, there is social pressure to "belong" or identify oneself as being part of a group. And well, I think a lot of people have a need to belong; they need the acceptance and recognition of their "selves" from the group - the emotional security of the group. <hey: what's emotional security? is that a "thing" really - or a fleeting, transitory state of being?>
Early on, in HS... this group thing was real predominant (didn't exist for me at all in grade school), but I'd seen that the exchange of being "accepted" into a group (or not) was a trade-off; an exchange -- the security of the group, for giving up some individuality and freedom. To me, that was a box; a cage... and I didn't want to be pegged as being in ANY of those boxes. So, I floated on the edges of many of them - participating to a degree - but never letting them "own" me to the point that I felt trapped; as if I'd sold my soul to them for security.
A group offers social activities. Sometimes you work together, with a common goal - using your individual skills/strengths. Sometimes you just hang out together and enjoy doing nothing productive; sometimes you just have fun. Groups tend NOT to support introverts, unless you develop an extrovert persona that you put on for those occasions FIRST... JUST to participate in the opportunity to feel like you belong to the group. Trying to pick one, maybe two people to have a "real" conversation with isn't always a good strategy either. Sometimes it works. [just using the pronoun "you" incorrectly to keep it simple; I don't mean YOU, Garbanzo...]
Well, that whole "group" thing is kinda circular for me, in any case. I tell myself, I like to think... that I have enough self-confidence in who I am, to just be me and not worry about being part of the "group" and I go, I'm social, but I'm seldom "real" - no one wants a serious conversation at a party and it's still a change from my normal routine, so in that respect - it's "fun". But the inner child part of me is desperate for some "real" connection, while at the same time she's putting out all the signals of:
"don't come any closer; that's far enough - biohazard, toxic waste, nasty awful stuff - past this point." When I got her home, the last time, I spent a couple weeks asking her who said she could come out of her cage and terrorize all those people who were just trying to be nice... after all, she is supposed to be neither seen nor heard... you know?
My inner child is a real terror about the "group" thing... at least, to my extremely inexperienced, victorian, puritanical "idea" of how one is supposed act and what one is supposed to talk about... and all that changes, and goes away... when I'm in charge of what's going on, handling the logistics, delegating, heading off the "awkward moments"... and not burning the appetizers. I'm a miserable follower and feel more comfortable being the leader. So, what's your role in groups?
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Wow, PR...such timing.
Last night I had to decide whether I was going to get going and turn up at my high school reunion,
and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The whole group thing in school was so unpleasant for me
that I couldn't imagine much pleasure in re-encountering those people now.
It's a feeling of I should have gone, but ... but ...
So I stayed home and ate pasta.
Hops
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..................So I stayed home and ate pasta.
Hops
And folks staying home to eat pasta is the moral of the story. 8)
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Get momentary glimpses of WANTING to journal for about 30 seconds to a 60 seconds on my way home from work. During my walk home. By the time I get home do not feel like writing much. Whatever it was I had to say kind of came and went. Been happening for the past year now. Not able to sit down much and just write. Haven't been feeling voiceless at all. Have been feeling like everything is old and I don't care and I am just a hunk of flesh.
Not a complaint. Just kind of a statement. Well I am going to eat some chicken soup from a can thank god because I am too tired.
I am tempted to log into my work computer system because there is something that I feel I didn't get done at this retarded retail job.
I do have more to say. maybe later as all I want to do is eat soup and space out.
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You've really been whittled and refined by what you've lived through, Boat.
You're way more than a hunk of flesh.
I think this is healing time for you, and it looks inactive.
But it isn't...
I think things will small-ly, gradually, begin to turn.
love
Hops
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Thx Hops
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kind of have that old person life is over feeling going to go for a walk in a few mins out to the grocery store pick up some milk same thing not much to say here
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Love to see you posting Garbanzo.
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Not over.
Fat lady hasn't sung.
You
miss
art
Eh?
xo
Hops
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I just googled the term "Scold's bridal".... where a cage was put over a woman's head and she was publicly humiliated with the cage on. I was not aware of this device, something from antiquity but interesting none-the-less, not much different from the whole sharia law thing.
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And the "scold" was a woman who was NOT voiceless!
Her anger was disallowed...
Ugh.
World of women can get to you.
Hops
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Maybe Hops, Hi there Hops 8)
My room mate made in inversion blended veggie soup and gave me a bit, tastes really good. Has butternut squash and other vegs.
Just in a dark mood following the news of beheadings and such.
I decided to look up the number of people who have been amputated in our current war and it's been like over 200 people according to what I found though I am not sure how accurate it is. It's not like widely advertised in the news exactly or maybe I have just missed it. So I am just kind of into that dark subject because misfortune sometimes fascinates me. It's the way that there are SO MANY PEOPLE in this world who go through a hard time. It's not just a few sad stories. It is so many people.
I am okay. just doing laundry and having hot tea, listening to the country radio. Looking at old black and white photos and reading about surgery.
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Who did Garbanzo used to be?
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This hread was started by Garbanzo, aka Boat That Rocks and Green Bean.
(Hi Kelly! Good to hear you.)
And Hi Boat! Hope you're diverting your mind from the horrors in the media.
It is too much for me right now -- find myself reverting to old shows like Foyle's War,
I guess as a reminder of decent people enduring tough times.
Hope you're hanging in, less depressed...
Hops