Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on December 08, 2014, 01:59:59 AM

Title: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on December 08, 2014, 01:59:59 AM: Too tired to have a voice

exasperated

feeling like the voice is impotent, stories are pointless

too old for anything to matter

nobody is listening

These things, if it makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like I had or have something inside of me, something to say but then I am always too tired to say it.

There is nobody to say it to. It doesn't make sense when it comes out. It isn't said quite right.

Every major life event or circumstance is summed up into an "oh well" it's kind of sad I guess, if I were to care it would be sad
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: teartracks on December 08, 2014, 03:40:47 AM: Hi Garbanzo,

I read all of your posts. I hear you. I've missed you.

tt
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on December 08, 2014, 10:29:59 AM: What TT said...

Boat, you've been deeply stressed for years.
You were homeless. Then in a stressful shelter.
You had conflict with your self-absorbed Mom.
You had to move several times in a short time,
from one stress to another for a while.
Then your brother died.

I think your present numbness is a natural
response because healing has a long curve
and it really does take time. The psyche as
well as the body breaks down under so much
stress.

But it doesn't have to be permanent. If all
your body and brain were willing to do these
days was function enough to get to work and
back and keep the lights on and feed yourself,
that'd be plenty.

I think your voice is bright and beautiful and
brainy. And when your energies return and
some more of the healing is done, that voice
will have plenty more to say.

I'll always want to hear you.

love to you,
Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on December 09, 2014, 12:23:33 AM: Thanks guys, very very nice sentiments spoken by you two.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: teartracks on December 09, 2014, 03:45:56 PM: Should have included I care.

tt
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on December 18, 2014, 12:19:16 AM: My mother has texted me today asking to meet with me this Friday. What would you do? She makes it sound quaint, meet at a place that is a store with nice things for sale, have some lunch.

She only wants to see me once or twice a year. The whole time she barely asks about anything important in my life. The most she might say is ask me what size shirt I am wearing and make some kind of assessment about me being thin or un-thin. As soon as she meets me she is already telling me when she is needing to leave. She knows exactly in five minute increments how much time she has been hanging out with me. It is some kind of familial obligation ritual which I do not understand.

It only seems to be a detriment to myself when I avoid people. Doesn't matter how unsatisfying it is to hang with them.

I hear a voice inside of me saying "why bother" She wants to go to the store I do not. She wants to eat lunch out, I do not have much interest. Why does she do it?

Well she sent me another text demanding that I tell her tonight if I will meet up with her. I told her I was exhausted from working retail during pre Christmas rush which is true. I told her "do whatever you want". There I released her from any obligation, I bet that is all she wanted anyhow.

I called her after I got off work today and she seemed glad, she didn't want to drive to meet me anyhow. She started complaining about driving. So there it's over for now.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on December 22, 2014, 12:17:44 PM: Whew.
It's good that you made a decision, I think.

My Nmom was obsessively focused on "lunch dates" and I found our contact
just as empty. Still, it was for her, I think, a ritual way to "do mothering."

Kind of a Ladies Who Lunch solution to a connection that she didn't know
how to make emotionally, and that was worse than hunger for me.

I endured many an empty lunch but it was that sad dance of skeletons
on an empty ballroom floor.

Much tragedy in the gulf between children and their Nparents, but
I did find by the end of her life that compassion for her vulnerability
healed my broken heart. Being able to feel pity for the way she was,
and stop blaming her for it, enabled me to remain spiritually alive.

I still go numb sometimes especially with fatigue...but the creative
soul is still in there.

I hope your soul finds beauty and rest, even if not in your mother's arms,
Boat.

love
Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Ales2 on December 22, 2014, 12:36:35 PM: Wow Garbanzo and Hops I could have written both your posts about NMom visits.

Mine now does the "ambush visit". She lives 120 miles away and so she drives here to see me and then calls from about 10 mins away and wants to "drop in". She knows if she asked for a planned visit and the answer would be NO. She did this about a week and half ago. Tried to spy on whether I am working or not, bringing a box of hand-me-down goodies. None of which I wanted or needed. If I would not have been home, she would simply have left the box. This is a ploy to be "nice" to get me to visit for Xmas.

Content of the visit is simply filler - I talk about my dumb cats, we watch you tube videos, about cats and I talk weather, politics, all superficial stuff. We cant have a real conversation about anything that matters without it escalating into a an argument. She has no real concern about my situation at all, she simply wants the attention and to be thought of a good mother. She completely undermines my growth, she knows that there is no attachment for me there and I want my own life.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Twoapenny on December 23, 2014, 02:26:00 AM: Quote from: Garbanzo on December 08, 2014, 01:59:59 AM
Too tired to have a voice

exasperated

feeling like the voice is impotent, stories are pointless

too old for anything to matter

nobody is listening

These things, if it makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like I had or have something inside of me, something to say but then I am always too tired to say it.

There is nobody to say it to. It doesn't make sense when it comes out. It isn't said quite right.

Every major life event or circumstance is summed up into an "oh well" it's kind of sad I guess, if I were to care it would be sad

Hi G,

I have felt like that over the years. For me it seems to come and go in waves - sometimes I feel positive about working on myself, moving forward, improving my life, and at other times I just feel like what's the use, no-one cares anyway, no-one even notices. But eventually that goes away and I feel like working on myself again. So I think my advice would be if you're in a lull, try not to worry about it too much. It might just be that you need to recharge your batteries a bit and eventually you'll feel like picking it up and 'speaking' again, whether it's on paper or with another person, or just within yourself. I think we often underestimate how draining all this emotional stuff can be, and sometimes I've found that I don't start to live through really tough stuff until years later, when life is a bit more comfortable (ie,we have regular money coming in, somewhere to live, food on the table and so on). And then that numbness and oh why do I bother starts to come out, but eventually it's done and things shift again.

Re meeting up with your mum - I am finding more and more these days that I don't want to waste the little bit of time and energy I do get on people who are draining. Life's too short. xx
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on December 24, 2014, 12:42:06 AM: Yah, I read what you guys wrote.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on December 25, 2014, 12:13:34 PM: With your draining job, Boat, I am not sure how you copes but
still hope you will:

Can you find SOME way once a week to do two more things?

1) meet with other people in some regular form -- like a volunteer thing
or a church or a free support group

2) do art with other people

That's it -- I forgot....get your little cups or egg cartons ready with
some dirt and plant your garden seeds at a sunny window.

What I really forget is whether you have a bit of yard and permission
to plant there. Or a wee patio or balcony? Or a community garden
w/in reach?

Love and hope to you, Boat -- it will get better.

love
Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Overcomer on December 29, 2014, 10:00:34 PM: Who are you Garbanzo? I mean, what is your old name??
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on December 30, 2014, 07:23:20 AM: Allow moi to butt in, but Garbanzo is the lovely Boat That Rocks, and later Green Bean.
And I missed a couple.

(I asked permission to keep calling her Boat since I loved that one and she said okay!).

Ta Boat, Ta Overcomer-Kelly...

Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Overcomer on December 30, 2014, 11:17:50 AM: Well, I knew she'd been around for a long time due to the amount of posts. I realized I think I joined this place 10 years ago! Oh, I miss when it was open and lots of fights broke out, it was pretty entertaining and I learned a whole lot from you characters!!!

I'm still dealing with an aging Nmom.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on January 06, 2015, 06:12:37 PM: on Saturday I had to meet up with my mother she started bothering me again about getting together and she pretty much insisted so I met her after I had a haircut. I wasn't very present during the haircut, didn't communicate very well to the hair stylist what I actually wanted her to do with the hair cut O_O I literally just said "same old same old" to which the hair dresser semi frowned at me.

my mother gave me stupid stuff I didn't want, a pair of socks a piece of fruit, I guess i can just throw it away

we didn't talk about my brother at all, we didn't really talk very much about anything in general which is typical, I can try to start a conversation but it doesn't go anywhere
simple conversations, conversations about her holidays and how people are doing, she repeats the same thing to me over and over. I've seen her have conversations with her friends and neighbors she actually can talk with them

oh well, maybe this will be the last time I have to meet her in 2015
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on January 07, 2015, 09:45:10 PM: Well, it's from the ether, but fwiw...here's a
GREAT WARM LOVING APPRECIATIVE TENDER REAL AND GENUINE COMPASSIONATE HUG FOR ((((((((((((((BOAT-BEAN-GARBANZO)))))))))))))))

You hafta just imagine it, sorry, but it's real and I am grateful to have you to send it to!
My fat maternal streak always makes me feel real when I have somewhere to express it sometimes.

love to you
and
Happy -- surprises -- possibilities of good -- New Year,
Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on January 25, 2015, 10:35:37 PM: Aww, thanks. Much appreciate. Your big fat maternal streak actually made me smile. I think it was a smile for the first time today.

Was just about to write about feeling sort of "out of the group or loop" And feeling kind of alone and sad today.

I feel like a just need an area to go and place what I have been keeping bottled up. Sometimes I guess the stereotype is that people bottle up things like anger and resentment, as I type this though what I am thinking is that people can also bottle up other things like loneliness or sadness. I never talk about it, not to the people I live with, not to anybody that I work with. And really there is nobody else. I find that there is something relaxing about being alone. As soon as I am around people it's like my awareness goes in their direction and I feel sort of frazzled or exhausted a lot of the time. I am somehow lonely but also not wanting to socialize. And that is kind of where I am at with that. But all of a sudden a strong desire for rosemary potato has come to me. But I have chili. I could put a little left over chili with the potato and then it is proper. okay. I am going to make some. And it's in the oven for whatever it's worth.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on February 05, 2015, 09:36:12 PM: Today was a day where I left work feeling crumby and thinking about now is probably a time I should start to apply for other jobs. That kind of change represents instability though.

I just want to write it out. I work in a call center. The call center is one big room on a floor of a building in one of those business parks that is like steel colored buildings and parking lot and then freeway noise and a strip mall near by.

All I do is answer the phone (a 1-800) and make notes all day long and make phone calls to our suppliers. The company just sells "Stuff" pretty much the company attempts to bait customers on the internet. There is a company website with tons of stuff lots of it seems to be out of stock or discontinued and even advertised wrong.

Today I picked up the phone, a woman was talking. I found her order and account stuff in our database. There is a list of notes on every person's order. When I first started working at this job I was shocked at how many employees made notes on a single order for simple issues.

So anyways. I often feel like I don't have time to understand the situation before I get to respond to the customer, they launch into their "issues" within 30 seconds they are already full force with their onslaught of grievances. Main thing is probably that the customers have had enough dumb interactions with the company that it aggravates them to the point of having an emotional break down at which point they then get on the phone and scream at me about something that I have just that very second glanced at for the first time.

Our phones have timer's on them. I can see the seconds ticking. Our computers are also very slow.

So the woman was complaining that the tracking number she had was a bad tracking number. I was kind of saying "um hum" and "okay" etc. While listening to her complain I was trying to also read the copious list of notes on her order. There was a new tracking number that I was going to give her but while I was looking at it her voice started to literally go up and up and up into a shrill freak out rant. I just couldn't handle it. I told her I was going to disconnect the call if she didn't stop yelling. It was stressing me out. Inside I just feel like I am being tortured and anxious and I feel like I can't breathe. I ended up putting her on hold. Thing is wherever she was going with her shrill voice it didn't sound like someone asking me for help. All I feel like is I am being used as a whipping boy.

She ruined my day. I am sure that is what customers want to do. They want to make sure somebody gets punished for whatever went wrong.

So a senior rep was standing by who hopped onto the phone and talked to the customer. When she got off the phone to the customer the senior rep then belittled me because I told the customer I would disconnect the call if she doesn't stop yelling. The senior rep then said to me "you know how this job is"...

so now I am quietly trying to figure out how to vent without getting fired, really how to get some kind of revenge but really I can let it go.

I want customers to ask me for help. If they say I have a problem and I really need someone to help me with it... well that is okay. I am really not equipped with nerves of steel and am not good at taking customers that are completely flipping out. I am not the person for it.

After it was all over I made a very hasty note on the order stating that the customer called in escalated and that she had been given a bad tracking number earlier today prior to speaking with me and then I put in caps "THE CUSTOMER STARTED YELLING AND SCREAMING" right on the order notes because that is exactly how that interaction went. so I got my note in before my stupid senior rep could put her dumb notes in.

I went back and actually read the notes, her product was lost in transit by the shipping company and this I guess is what she was pissed off about. It sucks but it wasn't a shipment of organs for a heart transplant. It was a first time I had even seen her order. The rest of the day I was exhausted and one of the customers asked me how I was and I said "okay" and she could tell that I wasn't really okay. So not only do I have to allow customers to yell at me for something I have nothing to do with I also have to pretend that I am okay after all of that. I am not. I hate it. I feel like I am too old for this. Whoever runs the company only ever looks at their pie charts and stocks graphs. I am not sure that I have even seen the president of the company even walk through the call center and she is just on the other side of the building.

It is very hard for us to get a response from our own transportation department when something has gone wrong. We are not allowed to call them, we have to send them emails. The rate at which emails are replied to is about the the same as if we were sending usps snail mail messages inter-departmentally. Sigh.

When something arrives damaged to a customer it is hoped that the customer will figure out what to do with it on their own. But of course there are elderly people and so forth who can not deal with it. There are also just super snooty people who wont do anything. So we in customer service have to try and get our transportation dept to arrange for removal of broken items something which they seem to hate doing. We are supposed to ask customers to have the stuff donated, try to have services for the blind to come pick up the stuff. Even if something is totally trashed we are supposed to suggest this and push the customers in that direction even when it obviously is a hand off or shirking of responsibility. Giving people the run around basically.

My co-worker who sits right next to me heard everything the senior rep said to me, being talked to like a 5 year old. She said the reason why she had been crying the previous week is because she was reprimanded for an issue that happened with a customer. I don't cry, I get angry or more vocal

Humiliating employees isn't going to stop customers from being pissed off. It's sort of sick.

I would say the reasons why customers are pissed of is because of the process.
The customer picks something, their credit card is charged promptly. The order is then given to "the manufacturer" which can mean all sorts of things. Sometimes a manufacturer is mostly a warehouse in the USA that receives those rectangular train car looking things coming over on a huge boat from china. For the most part the business is designed to take people's money without doing much of the actual work. FedEx and UPS and the freight carriers do most of the real work. Ha, the guys who move something that weighs 600 pounds, I would say they are doing the real work.

There is a sheet of paper that are like scripted responses, they are not like how real people speak so for that reason I have never said them. Maybe I will try to read the script to the customers word for word lol and then if it just pisses off customers even more I can write that on the order notes. LOL

eh but for a dose of reality I went on the internet and read customer reviews about the company and there are many bad reviews so it is somehow validating to read those.... isn't that twisted ?

I looked up the head people of the corporation, they are in Forbes magazine articles I guess. From the looks of them they are some sort of zombies. Okay maybe not zombies. I don't know what they are.

I want to write an anonymous letter to the company telling them that at no point have I ever had training at this company for how they want us to deal with screaming customers. Nor at any point ever has there been any training for service recovery etc. But you know what is the point. I should just try to move on.
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on February 06, 2015, 05:15:23 PM: I just did the chat in service to the company where I work. Afterwards I filled out a survey.

This is what it says

Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback

Our Last 100 Ratings

39% said great

13 said just ok

48 said not so good
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on February 06, 2015, 10:10:28 PM: God, that sounds draining...

It must be really hard not to take this job to heart (conscientious people with consciences are always troubled by these kind of jobs)...

But remember oh remember...you didn't make this model for consumers to contend with, or crappy manufacturers to exploit...
you're in there only for your own sustaining right now and THAT IS OKAY. It is a GOOD, a social GOOD, that you, yourself, are now sustained, able to survive.

And good for you for recognizing the humanity of even the most around-the-bend caller. What can you do when put in an impossible quandry but try, and then release it...just release it, since it's an unreasonable place built on an unreasonable model.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must feel, Boat.

But know that you are not harming any one. You are doing the best you can do in a ridiculous setting. And one day you won't be at ALL worried about what their (ridiculous) expectations are.

Sure. Why NOT look for another job for a period? It can't hurt to remind yourself there are doors and you have keys. Good mental exercise to do this periodically and YOU NEVER KNOW when a better situation could be possible.

Hope lives in not knowing and we really don't.

love
Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Meh on February 07, 2015, 04:16:26 AM: Thanks for reading Hops. you always have something nice to say :)

sorry I just wanted to get it all out even if it's just me making one long complaint about complaints
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Hopalong on February 07, 2015, 09:40:40 AM: Nooooo apologizing!
Eloquent complaining is a SKILL.

A narrative. Stories gotta get out, they gotta gotta gotta gotta.
Another good.

You are not a complainer, you are a storyteller, doing good.

Hops
Title: Re: Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.
Post by: Gaining Strength on February 07, 2015, 03:41:44 PM: Garbanzo - what a difficult job at times. I have been on the other side and know that it can be frustrating to be the customer and knowing that the other person on the phone is as frustrated as I am. It's the company policies ultimately. They seem to care nothing about creating policies for creating happy customers and happy employees. It's a numbers game to them all about the sales numbers. How short sighted. If they cared about training they could probably increase sales. Instead every pays such a stiff price. I'm sorry you had to experience being screamed at by the customer and belittled by your supervisor. What a terrible position to be in.